Laurie Woolever Remembers Anthony Bourdain

I tried watching the Bourdain documentary but I just got too sad. I couldn't do it. And did it feel weird? Did you watch it, Roadrunner? Oh yeah. Did it feel weird when you knew that the voice was AI, sort of a recreation of his words? It didn't feel weird to me because honestly it was less than 45 seconds in a two hour film. Oh okay. So no, it didn't feel weird. I knew exactly where one of the places was that it was the AI but the vast majority of that film is Tony's actual voice and I think that really got lost in the discussion around the film. Oh it certainly did. Yeah, I was under the impression that the whole thing was, that's how people are, they're so gross. They always want to find the one thing that's negative about things. Yeah, it really bummed me out because that was the dominant conversation on opening weekend and it really kind of took away for me from the beautiful film. I was a consulting producer so obviously I have a dog in the fight and I want people to love the film but I think it's great. It is really sad. How far into it did you get it? I just started it and I shut it off. I just got too sad. Maybe it was my mood that day. I just wasn't ready to watch something like that. I was just like I can't do this. Yeah, I understand. I've been steeped in all things Tony for over a decade but since he died I've been making these books and working on the film and talking about him and so I've kind of got I think a layer of numbness in a way but sometimes stuff gets through. The first time I saw the film I cried like a baby when I was home by myself. I was really glad to be alone. There's always this feeling when someone takes their own life like if I could have just talked to them. Like if I was there if I could have talked to them. That's you know I talked to David Cho and he had that same take on it. You just don't know. You feel like you fucked something up. You feel like it's just there's no there's no there's no peace. You know if you're always if I think about him I just always think what a shame. What a shame. You know like a guy who was so interesting and so loved. You know I found out about it from Maynard Keenan from Tool. Do you know the story? I listened to you talk to Tom Papa right after Tony died so yeah he made kind of a joke. Yeah, Maynard's a funny guy and he was joking around. He said that you know he knew that Tony was really into jiu-jitsu and Maynard really into jiu-jitsu too and it's like we should have a celebrity match. That would be awesome. He was talking about it and then he texted me and said I guess the celebrity match is off and I was like what does that mean? I guess he had just assumed that I would have already known about it but I was in Chicago and I had just woken up. So then I googled it and I was just like oh. Yeah that's not a great way. I mean there's no good way to find out that news but that sounds like a particularly painful way to hear it. It was confusing you know. It's painful but it's almost like it's painful later. In the beginning it's just like shock. You're baffled. You're like how? What? Not there anymore. This person's not there anymore. Like if I text him it's not there. I have a phone that I won't get rid of because it has text messages from him. It's like that I can always go back and look at them. Yeah. Yeah same. I'll never get rid of my last texts with him. And what you were saying about you know you just wish you could have done something. I mean believe me that is a conversation I have had with so many people and I think to myself like if I had just been a little more I don't know something if I had said something or if I had been more supportive or you know I just I knew he was in trouble that week but I didn't it never occurred to me that he would take that action that he did. And the fact is he had a lot of people around who were very close to him who loved him and he had other people that were offering to come and be with him because they knew he was having a hard time that week and he said no don't come. So it's why was that week so particularly hard. He was there was some stuff in the media with with him and his girlfriend that was you know not great. You know he was very very in love and I think there was some I mean this I'm not saying anything that isn't public record and I'm always hesitant to talk too much about about all of that. It's you know it was it's out there it was in the Italian press and maybe the French press that that his girlfriend had been maybe or maybe not with another guy. There were a lot of pictures that made it look not great and I think that was really hard for him and you know you'll see they talk about it. It gets talked about in the film it gets talked about in my book. You know I think he was he was deeply in love and I think he was realizing that this relationship maybe wasn't what he thought it was or that it just I think he felt humiliated honestly you know and I mean that's a hard that's a hard thing for a private person to metabolize and then you know you're extremely public person who has been extremely public about this relationship. I think it was a lot for him to handle in that week. Yeah there's not much he can do when that happens in terms of like talking to a friend like words just don't work. Yeah you know like they don't you know you're not going to absorb them. Yeah it's you know it's I don't know that someone I don't know that a normal thing I don't know that a normal reaction to romantic trouble is to take your own life. You know clearly there's you know there are plenty of people who have trouble in their relationships who stay alive. You know he was a really complicated guy he was a really I think as as public as he was and as much as he shared about the way that his mind and his heart worked I think there was a lot that he didn't share and I think he was more troubled and more lonely and sad than I think any of us knew at the time. You know in the intervening three years I've learned a lot more about him and I thought I knew him inside and out. I was his assistant for 10 years you know we wrote a book together I had done some traveling with him not extensively but I did a handful of trips over the years. You know we were in contact every day and you know when I started to talk to people after he died there was just a lot a lot more to him a lot more to his story. Yeah whenever anybody recovers from a serious drug problem but yet still parties I was always like how's he pulling that off. Like the first time I hung out with him I knew that he had gotten over the heroin thing but I didn't quite realize how hard he drank. I was like whoa. Yeah yeah was that in Montana when you know that was later that was after I'd known him for quite a while. I mean I think the first time I hung out with him was in Vegas pretty sure. It was when he was married to Octavia and they were there for the UFC and I met him backstage. I was like wow. Watch the entire episode for free only on Spotify.