Joe Rogan - Joey Diaz on Being a Volunteer Fireman

What about when I house sat for the guy that owned TGIF Fridays, he was on the board of directors. Did you? Yeah, when I lived on 435 faraway road in Snowmass Village, Colorado, I house sat. And the guy, the two years I was there, he came a week and a half. He came for three days and his daughters came for three days. They spent 2,000 on booze. They all got drunk and they left two days later. And I was talking to the daughter and she's like, yeah, this is my dad's got houses. All over the place. He had three in Colorado alone, like Crested Butte, Snowmass Village, and he had a house on the other side to ski over there because he liked two different types of powder. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah, no, no, no. Well, it's that world when people get that famous, when they get that rich, when they get that, the point where they live in some sort of weird lava land. He had a brand new Jeep delivered every year. And part of my agreement was I had to drive it like 50 miles a month to keep, make sure, because when he came to town, he didn't want no problems with none of his houses. Right. So he had a different fucking house sitter at every, and if you know what he did. Did you do a background check on you? No, listen to me. I fucking grandfathered into the house because my buddy from Jersey had it and his girlfriend came out to visit and he knocked her up. But the guy was difficult to get a hold of because he was in England and whatnot. So my friend just said to me, just just moving, don't say dick. And when he comes in, he'll see it's you and tell him I had to leave and shit. Keep my deposit. So I stayed there for like two months and he came and he's like, who the fuck are you? And I told him what had happened and that we couldn't get a hold of him because he was in England and he asked me for a couple of names. I had already lived in Snowmass for about a year. I left and then came back. So I had a couple of nice references for him. He gave me the thing and then left and I was not allowed in his home. So part of the deal was I had an apartment over the garage. I could use his car and it was 18 hours a month to be the shovel in snow or 18, 18 hours a month of work. So it was essentially shoveling snow in the winter and mowing along in the summer. He would give me little assignments, like paint the wall or whatever. I would do keep the trim up and ship. It was zero rent. I think he paid me 800 a month and I got to get a day job and ski and shit like that. The levitate was a volunteer fireman. You a volunteer fireman? So cocaine was 1800 an ounce at the time in Snowmass. My buddy said he'd give it to me for 800 in New Jersey. So I would go back and forth and I was making all this dough on it. The people found that the guy that they blew up, they put a pipe bomb in this guy's car and they blew him up. His name was Steven Graybo. He left a big gap in this fucking drug place. So I was going to kill him. Oh yeah, they killed this poor bastard. In Colorado? In Aspen. He was there six days before he was to stand trial. They could never get him for cocaine. He was making six million every six weeks. I spoke about this on the... Six million every six weeks. Every six weeks in 1984. They arrested him the first time in 83. They brought him to Denver. They found nine million altogether cash. Then in 84 was when he went... Every night he'd work out. He was a good looking dude that kept in shape. He had 20 different cars and every night he'd give the guy at the door $5 to start the car. The night the guy took the night off, he started his own car. They put a pipe bomb in his car and blew him up. He lived. He made it all the way to the hospital. But something went so deep up his ass that he just bled to death. So it left this gap. So this guy approached him and then he's like, man, these people are mad at you. They want to do business with you. You're cutting them out. So I had to talk to them and they said, listen, we never do a face to face. So they have an Aspen Club and they have a place called the... See if the Aspen Club is still... In those days, these places were a thousand a month to walk in. I knew a girl that used to go to the Aspen Club and she used to tell me she used to take showers right next to Barbie Benton. I'm a Barbie Benton and the Barbie Benton had a beautiful bush. She would tell me every night, Barbie Benton's got a beautiful fucking bush. It's perfect. So there's the Aspen Club and the Snowmass Club. Snowmass Club has golfing, condos around the thing. It was like 900 a month to be a member. I couldn't have been a member. So the only way I could become a member was by being a volunteer fireman. Then they'd give you admission. So for 90 days, I had a train, go up two flights, just hang out on a ladder, carry a rope. But basically, it was putting out... When tourists come, they don't know how to fucking turn on a fireplace. So they clean out the showers and they put them in and then these people would put them in a dumpster. So 10 out of 10, all you're doing is dumpster fires. That's all you're doing. But you got access to the Snowmass Club. So basically, I was walking to the Snowmass Club, give the girl the $10,000, put on your gym clothes, workout, and by the time you got back to your locker, the Coke was in the locker. It was all in. They were all in. Everybody was involved. Everybody was involved. So the girl that worked, she was getting a piece? Oh, I wouldn't know. All you had to do was say, hi, how you doing, Joey? Yeah, okay. Wow. And then later on, I'd go on the locker. The Coke would be there. I'd get like a half, eight ounces. You know, I was no dealer and I'd take it home. But then I started getting coked up. Every time there was a fire, I went to like two fires. Both dumps and there's 16 idiots with fire hoes. I'm like, is this necessary? They even gave me like a little fire truck, like a little Toyota truck with like a bell on it to go to the fires. Act like the third fire stopped showing up. For two months they could, where are you? Zero to base, where are you, Liz? I'm just an art and code, get my dick sucked. You want me to go put out a fire in a dumpster? Go fuck yourself. They came over and took the dumpster. And then I went to work with this other dude. There was three dicks. The guy I worked for was Dick Self, Dick Kelly, and Dick Doon was the mayor. So I had a buddy who used to go, you're surrounded by Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. So Dick Kelly had one of those snow companies and they wanted me to go and I don't know what they called y'all, Rogan, so straight. It's a high low that shovels snow. What's a high low? What's a low one? The warehouse, and it picks up shit. The little small truck that pushes snow around. So he was another poor bastard that made a mistake and hired me that winter. And yeah, it had to be that four in the morning. Four in the morning, I'm on my second grandma blow. He'd be in front of my house beeping, bam, bam, bam. I'm gonna go fuck himself. I'm not working tonight. He came and took his truck. I was on a roll up there. I was on a fucking roll. Guys who had snow trucks, when it would snow out, man, that was it. You weren't getting any sleep. There was a bunch of guys that I knew. In Colorado also? No, in Boston. Yeah, that's a business. It's a business in the wintertime. As soon as you hear snow, those people start fucking getting happy. And people would look out their window with their coffee, making sure you're out there with the truck up the driveway, pushing snow around. My buddy Jimmy, that was one of his side businesses. He was an electrician. The side business, he had a plow on his pickup truck. He would just fucking plow people out, do people's driveways. I went home this year, March 20th. I went home to Jersey. I had to do a show one night or a night. And me and Ari hooked up in the city. We ate in that little bull. We walked around the city in the snow and just started the snow. And by the time I got up the next morning, it snowed like a foot. I'd never seen anything like that. When I was a kid in Jersey, if it snowed, that shit was there. That shit stayed before there. It stayed there. There was no school. Stacked up on the side of the road. Stacked up on the sidewalk. Dirty snow. Bro, my town won't let a fucking ounce of snow land. Not an inch. Really? It'd be fucking tremendous. That night, the roads would clean the east coast. I'll never forget how when I left Jersey in 83, like if it snowed, like let's say if it snowed, and I had to take the bus up here, I would just call you and say, Joe, it's snowing. You'd expect me at 11. And everything was late. Whenever it snowed in Jersey, here's this big metropolitan area in New York City, and it snowed in the crippler city. They didn't know how to handle it. Newspapers wouldn't come. People get pissed off. The New York Post. I remember moving to Snowmass and getting a job at Aspen Electric. And that meant I had to get on the bus in Snowmass, go to the bottom of the hill transfer, and shoot the bus to Snowmass. I did this, and I remember the first time I woke up one day, and you know, in Colorado, you wake up on one of these 12 inches, it's just another day. Just another day. And I remember in 1983, they couldn't fucking clean up New York. And I'll never forget that morning, waking up in Aspen, like at 6.30 in Snowmass, and going, then I can expect me to about 10. And I walked in there at 10, and people were like, where the fuck have you been? And I'm like, it snowed out. The buses are running late. And they go, everybody else here came on the bus, and they all got here on time. They fucking busted me right out. Like Colorado was that far ahead of the game. Well, they're just so used to it. They were so, but like here I was living in this big metropolitan city, that four inches crippled.