Joe Rogan - Jake The Snake's Hilarious Snake Stories

Dall started when he was 36. 36, yeah I started 36. 36. Imagine that. And the crazy part is you were one of his original mentors and... I'm the guy that said, I'll fucking teach you because everybody else said you're too fucking old. Yeah. Specifically Rick Flair. Rick Flair told him, Dallas, you've been a manager, you do this well, you do that well, but you're 36. Get a grip on it. You know, you're too fucking old to start. And when Dallas told me that, I'm like, fuck it man, if it's really your dream, he says, my fucking dream man, I want it. Fuck it, I'll teach him. And that's when I started, I moved in with him and then we had the infamous snake accident in his house. What was the infamous snake incident? I got busy with a girlfriend and forgot what I was doing upstairs. I was washing the snake off and went back downstairs to check on her and she caught me by surprise and raped me and it was horrible, but it was great. So I stayed and then I went, oh my God, I forgot the snake upstairs. So I ran back upstairs, realized it'd been two and a half hours and Dallas is just coming out of his bedroom. He's like, what the fuck? He been in the shower the whole time. I'm like, yeah, man, just stop. Yeah, I'm sweaty. Look at me. You know, I hadn't been in the shower yet, man. The snake was in there. So I get my shit, get it right out. He goes, why did you leave the shower? Dallas, I was watching some soap out, man. Fuck, get a grip, man. Leave me alone. So I go in there and fucking, fucking snake. Oh my God. I can't find the fucking snake. He's not in here. Oh my God. Which kind of snake was this? Is it a cobra? Cobra, yeah. Oh, jeez. They had three cats. Oh no. Oh, yeah, that's what I thought too. Oh no. So I started looking for it. Then I had to fess up the Dallas one was going like, dude, dude, dude, dude. You gotta find that motherfucker. My wife will be home in 20 minutes. I'm like, what? Holy shit. You know, I'll fight any man, but fucking woman, hell no. They will fuck you up. I run from women. They fuck you up. They wait till you're asleep and shit. Fucking come fuck you up again. Because we have dicks. We think, you know, they love me because of my dick or whatever. And you give them an end because they're going, I'm going to hear you so much. And then you fall asleep. Axe murder, axe murder. Here we go. I've been married three times. Your experience is very different than mine. Well, I've had three successful marriages. Nobody died. I did 13 years with my first wife, 13 years with my second wife. Four months with my third. So I'm getting better. A lot better. But it sounds like you're talking about prison. I did 13 years. And every time he says about marriage, I did 13 years. That's like Sam Knesset in the 80s. That goes back to my experience. Right. You know, my experience is unfortunate because what I've been through, I let a woman get this close to me. We're about to get started getting real, which is what I really want. But then I got to push you back because my fucker. Can't handle it. I can't handle it. I want to get back to this, but I want to find out what happened to the cats. Okay. Well, long story short, I couldn't find them. The same long. As long as I was there, how much? Well, right before she got home, I thought I would do the man thing and get in my car and run. That's what I did. That is what he did. Right. Wow. I had a slick fucking 84 Corvette that I knew would not look good with high heels going up and down it. Right. Because that bitch, that wonderful lady, she was a wonderful woman. She was going to fuck you up. She's going to fuck everybody up. Right. And if I'm not sleeping with you, you're not going to talk shit like that to me. Right. That's true. I'll listen to it if I'm sleeping with you. But that was it. I had to leave. I came back two days later in my defense, two days later. Okay. And when I got there, I see all these workmen carrying sheets of sheetrock. Sheetrock. I'm like, what the fuck? And then Dallas had told me they were going to do some remodeling downstairs. And I'm like, oh, they're working on my fucking room. Right. That's so cool. Okay. He's like, dude, 15 minutes pack of shit and go. What? You got to get out. One little snake and I've got to go. That's really bullshit, Dallas. And, uh, yeah, they couldn't find the snake either. So they wound up calling some people professionals. And the only way they found it was by carrying out several walls. And they finally found it on one of the walls. What did it do? Climb an event? It got in the vent wherever, I don't know, and got into the wall and... What the fuck? And they had to follow it through the house. How did they find it? By running out of walls. Jesus Christ. Yeah, so they were quite upset. I believe so. And my kitchen worked on once. And, uh, after they sealed the drywall in the back, I heard... Stay c That's where they hit the music. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I guess that's both of those. But I think that's a good thing. I think that's another thing. But if you look at the other side of these, The other side of these, The other side of these, You know, If you look at the other side of these, You know, The other side of these, You know, It's a giant Coliseum, man, A long ways across there. He wrestles. Goes into shower. Comes out from the shower. He's drying off. He looks up in the mirror. And in the mirror, He can see a pipe. Cobra has come up out of the toilet. And he's looking around the room. And then he goes back down. He screams, he runs across the fucking building nude, which got everybody's attention. And the police get involved. He comes down to Jake, where's your fucking snake? They're like, I really can't find it. So he had gotten out of my locker room and went into the toilet and took off and come up in that toilet over there. Jesus Christ, it fell off. But that fucking guy got on a fucking airplane that night and went the fuck home. Imagine if the snake sensed that he was scared of me and then went and found the place where there was the most beer. Yeah, I wonder if that, I mean, it only makes sense. Oh yeah, they can sense your fear. They would go after prey animals, right? Prey animals are terrified of them. They probably have a sense of fear. Who the fucking toilet? You imagine that? Goes through the toilet? I mean, I still have horror stories and bad memories of sitting on a toilet and a snake just bite me in the balls and ass and stuff. That happened to you? No, but I had those fucking dreams come to me because I had those snakes all those fucking years, man. Especially after that, knowing that they can travel that way. Well, they can. How'd you get the snake back? I didn't. I left him over there in fucking Australia. Didn't get him back. Sorry. Now he's taking over the country. Jesus Christ, where's that fucking snake? Yeah, it's in Melbourne. That's where I left him. How long do those things live? A long time. Like how long? 30 years? 30 years. So it's probably still alive.