Joe Rogan and Brian Redban Have a Probing Conversation About Bidets

It's such a weird time right now that I keep thinking of what it's going to be like on the other end. You know, instead of just living, which I never really do, I never really think what's going to be like on the other end. I always just do stuff. You know, like whether I'm doing a Netflix special or whether I'm doing podcasts or doing stand-up, I just do stuff. I don't think like, oh, like do it like this. One day it'll be that and then maybe people will like this and maybe they'll, I just keep doing it. But now I'm like, what is going to be here? Like what, what is society going to be like with no restaurants? What is society going to be like with 50% unemployment? What is society going to be like if that disease kicks in again? And what's going to survive? So I'm wondering about the future now. I never wonder about the future. I always just kind of do. I'm so lucky now. I realize so, so lucky that I can do that, that I could just concentrate on the shit I enjoy doing. And that the big advantage of that too is it helps you be good at that thing because you have less stress, less things you're thinking about. More sleep for everybody. But now everybody's got to be a prepper. Everybody's got to be a little paranoid. Everybody's got to be a little, a little whacked out by this. Everybody does. Even people like you and I that would want to just blow it off and live in the moment. Now you can't. Now you have, especially if you have people you love that are relying on you, like you have to have food now. You have to keep food in your fucking house. Find toilet paper. That was a weird one. It is weird. I'm glad to have a bidet. Why didn't everybody go crazy for food? Why everybody worry about wiping their ass? Why is that the number one thing that seemed to be the issue? More than water. Yeah. Water makes more sense in toilet paper. Water makes a ton of sense and so does food. Like dry food. Get oats, right? Get oatmeal, shit like that, rice. Stuff that lasts a long ass time. You need pasta. You need stuff that you could just make with a fire and a pan and some water. You need to be able to just have stuff that will keep you alive for X amount of days. That's what you need. You don't need toilet paper. You need a rag and a sink and there you go. You got a clean asshole. Ta-da. You know? Or get one of them ones that we got in here. Squirty up the booty hoses thing. Love it. Woo. That was a sponsor that you can attach to the back of a toilet. It's not expensive either. Oh yeah. What is that called? Tushy? Tushy. How much does that cost? It's very reasonable. It starts off at $79. Yeah. So for $80 you get a clean asshole and you save a million dollars on toilet paper. And it takes like three minutes to install and it's the same water that you brush your teeth with. Perfect. It goes right into the sink after you clean your asshole. No. No, it's not that water. No, no, no. Maybe it's the same water. I know. It's real water. That was on the read and that was my favorite thing to say. Same thing. It's cleaning your butthole. Yeah, the warm water one is only $30 more. Oh, splurge folks. Unless you're a hard ass. Unless you're one of them Navy SEAL type dudes likes to suffer. Yeah. Yeah. And if you decide to get a more expensive one you can skip the air drying one because it just makes the whole place smell like your asshole. It's disgusting. I don't like the air dryer. I went over to this person's house once and they had a bidet and inside their bidet was a bar of soap and a wet rag and I was like, ew. What? Ew. Ew. Because that's how you use it. You get in there with that soap, you wash the old poop shoot and that water shoots up. The bidet is like the most un-organically friendly thing that's ever been designed ever. It's basically if you fall and slip. Something happens and you got slippery socks on or shoes. You fall, that pipe is going right up your asshole. That stupid pipe. It's in the middle. How do you fall? People fall all the time, Jamie. To the toilet. People die trying to climb fences. Do you know that? Those spikes on fences kill people every year. Coconut. You slip and fall in the bidet and it punctures your asshole like a robot dick. Think about what that thing looks like. It looks like the top of a hammer. The one we got, it doesn't come out until you hit the button. It's like a robot arm. That's different. That's different, but it's not a bidet. I'm talking about a bidet. No, no, no, no. That's a bidet seat. A real bidet. I got you. I got you. You're like, what? That's why it didn't make sense to you. You're talking like the real, real. You're imagining Joe like, no, don't come in my ass. These folks, it was a French doctor and his wife, we were over their house. They were French and they had this bidet. And it looks like, you know, like if you slip, like you're getting your butthole cleaned by this little fucking pipe that's sticking straight up with little, it sprays water and you're supposed to get up in there with soap, wash it down. That's the way to do it though. Better than the way we do it, I'll smear in everything. There it is. So that one's a, that's a safe one. Some of them have a protuberance. Used to have one like that, right? Some of them, yeah. No, no, Jim, what is that? That's a broken toilet. That is not a bidet. Jesus Christ, son. I'm trying to find one. Yeah, I'm trying to find one that sticks out more. All right. I'm going to give up here. What is that circle? Look at that. The drawing to the left with the red circle. Click on that. See, these look small. They're a little, maybe someone's a cruel person that had the house that I was in. Yeah, maybe it was one of those douche sticks. I know when I used to date that porn star, she used to have the anal douche pole. Maybe it was. That's a lot of work right here. Jesus, that's a hose. Look at this one. Wow. I was in New York once and I posted it on Instagram. The shitter had not one, but two hoses. Had a hose on either side. I didn't get it. I didn't get it either until someone explained to me that some, because it was a very fancy hotel and some people from other lands prefer to wash their hand, wash their ass rather with their left hand. It's the lefty style. For you to ask them to grab a hose on the right hand side and hose down their asshole, they'd be offended. You're not supposed to do that with your right hand. You're supposed to do it with your left hand. I had like that right. I had like a hose off of it. Yeah, two. On each side, like an industrial strength. I see. I think I'm making a YouTube video or an Instagram video. Huh. Yeah, it's a better way to clean your ass, that's for sure. The way we do it with toilet paper is really disgusting. It's fucking gross. You're just smooshing it around. If you had that shit on your eyebrow, not your taint hairs, but your eyebrow hairs, how much rubbing? There it is. One on the left, one on the right. What the fuck, dude? Look at that. I like that. Do you want me to get it out? Yes. With my shame. Is there poop juice everywhere? That one, man. That one's for a big asshole. Maybe one's for a pussy and one's for an asshole. Maybe you double jam right and left. Right hammers the clit. Because My Pudet has a pussy mode and an ass mode. Girls probably use that thing. Feels good on their butt. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Have warm water squirts up on your butt. I guess it's a smaller little thing than I remembered. So I don't think you have to worry. There's a bidet on the other side of the room, too. Look, if you see there, that's a bidet. So there was a bidet. See, that's what I'm talking about. See that little robot dick that's sticking up? Did you see it in the bidet? Watch. See, watch when they turn it around or when I turn it around, whether after I grab a hold of these two things. I was super confused. The other side has a thing that pokes out in the middle and that's kind of what I was talking about. And some of them are a little higher than others. But they're these weird little... There it is. I just... I don't... What kind of shit do these people take? This is not a shower. This is a regular toilet. And then a bidet. There it is. That little robot dick. Not that part. The other one. The one earlier. See? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. 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