I Was Ass-less in an Ass-Based Economy! - Roseanne Barr

My grandma, she didn't like my dad. Oh no. He didn't like her neither. Really? That's a bummer. He said, if I were here, he would say, hey, call your grandma up in the winter. He said, go call your bubby up and tell her to come to the house and visit you kids and tell her to walk down the side where the icicles are so I could crawl out on the roof and fucking hammer it and it will fall down and pierce through her brain. Whoa. You heard this kind of shit when you were a kid? Yeah, it was all about that. The whole thing. This is your dad who was hilarious? So hilarious. Okay. What was wrong with your grandma that he was so upset at her? This is so, I'm assuming that was his wife's mom. Yeah, his wife's mom. Oh, she was a bitch. There was no bitch bigger than her. Big bubby bitch. Boss. She owned her own apartment house, had 12 units. She controlled everyone's lives who lived within there. Whoa. They're bark. You know? I like ladies like that when I don't have to be under their thumb. Yeah. You know, if I like just know them, I think it's fun. She got a guy under her thumb. This was, I want to write this as a two-room movie. I'll make it brief. One of her tenants was a guy who wore a golf shirt. She'd never seen that before. She's seen like one legged fuckers in an army fatigues, you know, in America because this was in the ghetto where she had her apartment house. And right by the bus station there. That's where I grew up. But, you know. Guy under her thumb? Oh yeah. So he's wearing these golf shirts. She's like Tyler, share thick Lithuanian accent. Tyler was in golf. I can't do accents. In golf shirts, he's going to golfing. It's a classy guy, you know. Classy, classy kind of guy. Classy customer. So he made the mistake of thinking she was a warm person as many people make that mistake with all Jewish women thinking they're warm and loving people. She wasn't. Well, she was, but there was a dark side there too. Dun, dun, dun. Yeah. So he tells her that he's a fugitive. Uh-oh. And that was her favorite show at the time, the fugitive. The one with the guy had one leg or something? One arm. One arm. One arm, right. The fugitive. That was our show. So he told her. He told her he was a fugitive. So did she turn him into the cops? Nope. She moved him underneath her apartment. Oh, under her thumb? I mean, she was under and she put him above and she hooked up a bell on a rope that went into his kitchen and her bed. And she goes, ding, ding, ding. You had a government running. And give her a fucking? No, no. She was a Jewish woman. Are you kidding? No. Take out my garbage cans to the street. I was hoping it was a positive ending. Oh, it was all labor issues. Time for you to cut the grass. I need you to go fix the toilet, number eight. Well, once she finds out he's a fugitive, he's fucked. Yeah. So she goes, so anyway, us kids was there. He falls in love with my mother who looked like Elizabeth Taylor. So my mom, he's thinking that, oh, her daughter, she'll help me out. She's working me to death, this old bag. So my mom being that way, too, she gets in on it. I need you to come over and cut my grass. And pretty soon his job was to sit at our dinner table between her and my dad and go, Helen, this is the most delicious roast I've ever tasted in my life. That was his job? Yeah. And my dad just sitting here like, yeah, it's good. She's like, make my husband jealous, too. So it became psycho and it goes on and on. I was 12. But at the end of that summer, he turned himself in. Couldn't do it anymore. It was worse being into her prison. Yeah. The two of them. Oh my God. Then they got in a family fight and tore at each other's hair over this guy. Whoa. That was my upbringing. Good job. Everything's funnier in hell. Your mom looked like Elizabeth Taylor? Yeah. She had a waist. God damn it, I wished I had a waist. I got my dad's body. He was a football player and they called him Jerry Bard. The boy built like a barrel. Because he had a barrel body. I totally got it. And so I thought when I was in Hollywood, I would get like a girl body with some ass cheeks and a waist. I'm still trying to work on that. Well you mean like surgery wise? Don't do that. Yeah like the Kardashian family, God I idolized them. They're out here you know. They are out here. Yeah. You've seen them? Yes I've seen them. Have you ever looked at their ass right? Not up tight. Pull that microphone. I have. Oh I'm sorry. That's probably with no headphones. Forget. I'm sorry. Yeah. I've seen their ass first hand in Beverly Hills. Did you enjoy it? I was, I was through. I never saw anything so incredible in my life. It was like the eighth wonder of the world. It was completely up. There was no sag whatsoever. Right. And I'm like see I just had like a crack in my back. I never had, I was assless in an ass based economy. And that was my whole problem. And I was like, my dad would be like you're never gonna get, and my parents both, you're never gonna get a husband because you're too fat. And you have, you know, you have no ass. You have no waist. You have no workout, you know, whatever. And you have a big mouth and no guy will ever like that. Obviously he was wrong. Well I proved him wrong. Three assholes.