Baby-Stealing Monkey on Bike Freaks Joe Rogan Out

They kill kids all the time. Like when people leave a python in a room with their baby, those horror stories, I've read a bunch of those. The python drops down and kills a baby. I've heard it even like a python comes from a neighboring apartment, drops down through the ceiling and kills a kid. Fuck. Bro. Bro. Imagine you're getting wrapped up by a python and you see the face coming over your head and you realize what's going on. It's clamping down on your head and it detaches its jaw and it's spreading around you like oh my god, you can't move your arms, you think your shoulder's broken, you're getting squeezed as it's doing this and it's got its mouth on your fucking head and it's slowly starting to take you into its body. I get scared of animals that like aren't even threatening. Like I get scared of like squirrels and whatnot if they look at me the wrong way. They're right next to you in a tree and they, some of those things pretend like, because I live right next to a really awesome park and I run through there almost every day and some of these squirrels, they're like people squirrels. I guess they must get fed a lot or something from humans walking by and they will pretend like they're going to, like they will just get right up in your face. Aggressive squirrel. I got scared at my chair in my hallway the other day. I thought, this is so stupid, but I was coming out of the bathroom, it was the end of the night and my chair, I have this one extra chair that sort of like moves around the living room. Anyway, it ended up at the cross the end of the hallway and it was just sort of hanging out and for some reason it sort of looked like there was like a crazy person like smiling. He thought each chair was a person you get scared? Yes, super scared. Like the type of scared, because I thought it was a person leaning back smiling and immediately my brain registered that as if there's someone leaning back smiling in your living room, you're completely fucked. You've got real issues. Right. Like my, and so my heart literally like felt like it was like, I'm like, fuck, here goes the next seven minutes. And did you just watch The Joker? No. You thought some crazy person was in your house? No, no, I had not just watched The Joker, but I did watch that. But you're scared of squirrels as well, you were saying? Yeah, I mean they can be freaky. They can act a fool, you know? You know what it is, I think? I think a lot of people feed squirrels. Yeah. There's a park in North Hollywood. I remember going there once and watching this old dude on his back and he would just lay on his back and pick up peanuts and hold them and the squirrels would come over and put their hands on his hand and then take the peanut and run away with it. They did it all the time and they wouldn't even go that far. They'd go a few feet from him and just start eating their peanut and then other squirrels would come by. And they apparently had some sort of a, they've been doing it so often, people know they could just, as long as you're not making much movement, you look safe and hold it out there, they'll come get it from you. But did you see the video of the fucking monkey riding a motorcycle that pulls up and tries to steal a baby? Unbelievable. If you haven't seen this, this is the most 2020 video you will ever see. It is 2020, encapsulated. Like this is how fucking mad the world's gone. Is a monkey on a motorcycle that goes zipping up the street, bails off the motorcycle and tries to steal a baby. My favorite part of it is I watched it like 20 times in a row and I love how the guy taking the video from his top story apartment, like is laughing. It starts and you don't see the monkey and then he sees the monkey on the motorcycle and he starts laughing and he's laughing more as it gets closer. And he even laughs one more beat when the monkey grabs the kid because he's like, ha ha, you know, like he's like, here it goes. Watch. Here's the monkey on the motorcycle, bails and grabs the kid, throws the kid to the ground. It's a little baby and starts dragging away, tries to steal him. And then he wants to eat the baby. Yeah. It's like a horror movie at that part, dude. And that guy runs out chasing after the monkey. Monkeys will kill you and eat you. That's a fact. If you're a baby in particular, monkey kills 12 day old baby after snatching it from his breastfeeding mother and family home. But where is that at? Where'd that take place? I was trying to, it just popped up when I was looking for it. Oh my God. What does it say there? In India. Agra. Yeah. Oh my God. The latest warning sign that primates are being forced into cities to search for food amid environmental destruction. This is November of 2018. No, I know. I just. No, no, no, no. I was just saying, imagine what they're like now. I was going to say, because did you see that thing about what's going on in Thailand where there was nobody in the street. So there was just like hordes of monkeys running through the street that are starving, that are used to tourists feeding them. So they're just hordes of monkeys running through like where the fuck is everybody? Where's all the food? Oh Jesus. Bro, it's crazy. Watch this. Crazy. It's so weird. It's so weird. And then on top of that, rats in New York City, rats in New York City, there's no restaurants open anymore, right? So the restaurants are not dropping off the normal amount of garbage and these rats are accustomed to it. Their whole ecosystem is dependent upon it. Look at this. Oh. Starving monkey gangs battle in Thailand as coronavirus keeps tourists away. Look at that. Look at that fucking picture. Oh fuck. The streets are filled with monkeys. Dude, if you're a little kid and you go wandering into that, I guarantee you they will kill you and eat you. Guarantee you. If you're a four year old kid and you go stumble into that, you're dead. They'll tear you apart. You know, they don't have rules. Such a strange animal. Like, they're smart and they're sneaky. Like look at this video. Oh. Bro, this is- No social distancing whatsoever. This is rats. Those are like rats. Yeah. They're so dangerous. Like, they don't give a fuck about you and they look mean. Some of them have mean faces because they've been used to other monkeys being mean to them and everything trying to eat them and kill them. Look at that fucking. They're tearing this one apart. Oh my god. Oh my god. See, this is the thing about rats now. Rats are cannibalizing each other. For sure they're going to kill babies and eat babies. These little crazy monkeys. Oh, people are feeding them. Good. Better keep feeding them. Better feed them poison. There's too many of them. See how many monkeys that was? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.