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Ari Shaffir is a comedian, writer, and host of “You Be Trippin’.” His seven-episode live storytelling series, “The End,” is available now from YMH Studios. https://theend.ymhstudios.com https://www.youtube.com/@youbetrippinpod https://www.youtube.com/@arishaffir https://www.arishaffir.com
23 appearances
Shane Gillis is the co-host of “Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast,” a creator and star of Netflix’s comedy series “Tires,” and one half of the sketch comedy duo “Gilly and Keeves.” His most recent special, “Beautiful Dogs,” is streaming on Netflix. https://www.netflix.com/title/81635847 https://www.youtube.com/@MSsecretpod https://www.youtube.com/@GillyandKeeves https://www.shanemgillis.com
21 appearances
Mark Normand is the co-host of “Tuesdays with Stories!” and “We Might Be Drunk” podcasts. His new special, “None Too Pleased,” is streaming on Netflix. https://www.netflix.com/title/82155387 https://www.youtube.com/@TuesdayswithStories https://www.youtube.com/@WeMightBeDrunkPod https://www.youtube.com/@marknormand https://www.marknormandcomedy.com
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George Carlin, Books by George Carlin
Richard Belzer, Dead Wrong: Straight Facts on the Country’s Most Controversial Cover-Ups
Richard Belzer, UFOs, JFK, and Elvis: Conspiracies You Don’t Have to Be Crazy to Believe
Richard Belzer, Hit List: An In-Depth Investigation into the Mysterious Deaths of Witnesses to the JFK Assassination
Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.
Let's go.
We're back, boys.
We're back.
We are back.
We're Comedy Oasis.
That's right.
What's the story, Morning Glory?
It's been almost a year.
Wow, it's flying by.
What are we, 12 now?
Is this 12th episode?
I don't know.
I think we're away.
16?
Yeah.
What?
40.
Damn, that's a lot of drinking.
How many times have we played Free Bird?
Oh, we're playing it again.
We're going to go to the exact same episode we always did.
Yeah, we're going to talk about coming out of the closet.
Play Metallica.
Yeah, play Metallica.
R. Kelly.
So it turns out that that lady that was a scam, that was fake, the lady who
forced the guy
to fuck her.
Was it J.P. Morgan?
What?
Yeah, it wasn't real.
She was hot.
Yeah, I know.
Was that in the last one we did?
Jamie said it's fake, right?
It's fake?
Yeah, the news is going around that it's like, there was like a, the lawsuit is
not accurate
apparently.
It's like a retaliatory lawsuit.
So he just claimed that she said all those things and she made him fuck her.
Damn.
What a pussy.
Wait, is he an Indian guy?
I believe so.
Yeah.
Gross.
It does read like an Indian guy now that I'm thinking about it.
Like a scam?
He's like the horniest guy ever.
Just coming up with the hottest scene.
She called him cannons.
Yeah.
Once a lady calls her tits cannons.
Have you ever heard of a girl call her tits cannons?
Her own?
Right.
It's such an 18 year old or 16 year old boy thing.
I've never heard cannons.
Cannons.
I've heard guys talk about a girl's cannons when she's nowhere near them.
I've heard cans.
Cans.
Sure.
And torpedoes.
I've heard cannons, I think.
I'm pretty sure I've heard cannons.
Nick Cannon.
Jugs.
Nick Cannon.
Yeah.
Jugs.
Jugs.
Jugs are hilarious.
Sweater puppets, fun bags, knockers.
Just boobs and tits.
But a lady saying that?
That's no lady.
I'm sure.
She said.
If she did, that's no lady.
She said, I'm sure your fish head Asian wife doesn't have cannons like this.
Fish head.
That's what he said?
That's what he said.
She said.
Damn.
What's that to me?
More movies.
He's claiming it's that?
Strip tease.
No, no.
When she was the boss.
When she made the guy fuck her.
Disclosure.
Disclosure.
Oh, I used to yank it to that one.
Oh, gosh.
She was hot.
That fucking article almost made me yank it this morning.
I know, right?
I was laying in bed seeing that Twitter thing.
Fish head.
Damn.
Hot as hell.
She's hot.
Indian guys should write more slut.
This guy's a writer, yeah.
So if he got fired and he made up that story, what should the repercussions be?
Jail.
Yeah.
You can't just do that.
Especially.
For sure, if it was a guy, the guy would be fired.
If it was a guy and a woman claimed that the guy said these terrible things,
the guy would
be fired.
He would be shamed.
But no one's mad at that lady.
No.
No, no.
No one's mad at that lady for making him fuck her.
No, he loved the lady.
Even in the moment before he came out as a hoax, when they thought it was true,
her boss was
like, come on, he can't be doing that.
Yeah.
That's about as bad as he got.
Or he pulled her into the office and go, let me see him.
Let me see these cannons.
Bust out the missiles.
We just got to do our research, due diligence.
I just got to see the cannons.
Which also, we...
Cannons.
Just to...
He might be telling the truth.
Is it...
Are we sure it's fake yet?
Are we sure it's fake?
Can't a boy dream.
What a great way to have no one believe you is if you intentionally use words
like that.
Like, I would never speak that way.
There's been a string of middle-aged horrors going around lately.
Have you noticed that?
I love it.
It's back.
It's back.
Like, the reporter chick who's been banging the football coach.
Christy Noem was cheating on that guy with the tits.
Well, that guy with the tits was fucking...
God, the tits rocks.
Those are kids.
That was crazy.
The chick who wrote the RFK article that had a deeply emotional relationship
with him.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
But it was just texting.
That was the second one.
It was crazy.
Then there was the second one she had like that.
She likes to get to know her subjects.
The tits were wild, though.
Really?
Deeply emotional.
Pull them up.
Both back and forth?
His version was wild?
Wait, this is a while ago, right?
Yeah, this is a couple years ago.
Yeah, it was something like, let my river flow into your...
It was odd.
It's like a Dave Matthews song.
Damn.
Does he text like he talks?
Is it all jumbly?
But see, for a lady, it's like a free shot.
They never have to worry about getting in trouble.
No one's even going to be in trouble.
No one's going to be mad at her as a journalist, even.
It's not like she's discredited.
No.
No.
The husband was like, I'm kind of lame.
The husband?
Is she married?
The husband didn't love it.
Oh, she's married?
Which one was she talking about?
Oh, she's a freak.
Yeah.
The reporter with RFK.
Mm.
Allegedly.
He was a heroin addict, too.
He's a fun dude.
Fun.
Got after it.
Oh, yeah.
Lived his life.
I like him a lot.
Didn't used to stutter.
That's true.
It's not a stutter.
It's a vaccine injury.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
He didn't used to talk that way?
No.
It's from the flu vaccine.
Yeah, you see videos of him from the 90s?
He had a great voice.
Great voice.
Black hair.
Are you reading the texts?
They're hilarious.
It's like Prince Charles.
Any dude who tries to be romantic, it's like, you don't know how to do it.
It's a poem?
Yeah, it's a sex life.
Oh, as soon as you're writing a lady a poem, it's over.
How do we know this is true?
I think it was verified.
From what I remember, it was verified.
Olivia Nuzzi.
Nuzzi.
She sounds like a freak.
Yeah.
Yeah, she's sharing it, so it could be from anybody.
She sounds like Staten Island trash.
Your open mouth is awaiting my harvest.
Oh, there we go.
She looks like fun.
Not too shabby.
Don't throw a drop.
Your open Y-R?
Who writes Y-R for your ear?
Come on, really?
It's trying to relate to the youth.
Your open mouth is awaiting my harvest?
That doesn't even make sense.
You think he eats ass?
Because that's processed.
This is my favorite one.
I mean to squeeze your cheeks to force open your mouth.
I'll hold your nose as you look up to me to encourage you to swallow.
Whoa!
Don't spill a drop.
I am a river.
You are my canyon.
Wow, maha, baby.
Wow.
Okay, I'm not buying this.
That sounds like literature.
But I can't have a Pop-Tart?
You can't have Fruit Loops with the good colors?
But he's jizzing in her mouth.
I don't want these great Fruit Loops, dude.
It's not the fun.
You ever seen Canadian Fruit Loops?
They're bland and dim and dull.
That's what they're going to sell here now.
It's over.
We used to be a country.
It's over.
But there's got to be a way to make them prettier.
Yeah.
Without giving you ass cancer?
Right.
It's got to be some way.
Give us the ass cancer, bro.
A lot of people are getting the ass cancer lately.
Give us the ass cancer.
I saw that.
Really?
Way up.
The dude's like, since the early 30s, he's got stage three ass cancer.
Wow.
Yeah.
But he also took four shots.
Four of them.
Uh-huh.
Four what shots?
Ass shots?
Vaccines.
And that gives you ass cancer?
It can give you cancer.
Allegedly.
Did he boof the shots?
That's the way to do it.
If you really want to get massive on how to take the vaccine.
Stuck the actual needle right into the hole.
In West Hollywood, they're just going to plunge her.
Jimmy Boof it.
He got the boofer.
Well, Trump almost got a shot the other day.
Isn't that crazy?
Crazy.
That's the third assassination attempt on that dude.
Fucking guy run and ran.
You didn't know about the assassination attempt?
Not really.
It was at the White House press correspondence dinner.
Where Reagan got shot.
Was it Michelle Wolf?
Same hotel.
Oh, really?
So the trip advisor must be rough on that one.
At the correspondence dinner.
Was there a comedian there?
No.
Oz the Mentalist.
Oz the Mentalist, yeah.
Oz the Mentalist was the host.
You'd think he would have saw it coming.
You'd think.
He probably kept his mouth shut.
He's like, I think we're going to go attack two more Arab countries.
You know what's hilarious?
Metzger goes, did you see the fake assassination attempt?
Don't you know?
Don't you know about Gilgamesh?
And you're like, what?
Gilgamesh.
He always brings in his references.
The Rothschilds.
Bro, what are you saying?
I don't know any of the references.
Oh, you don't know?
If Metzger can't get it up, he's like, Israel.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everything's Israel.
If you get that bar, it's Israel.
Actually, pretty good excuse.
I'm going to start using it.
Yeah, it's solid.
Those Kanye clips you showed me were fucking wild.
He's the best.
He's so fun.
What's nice was the shooter was mixed race.
That's nice.
Is that nice?
That's nice because you're always like, don't be white.
Don't be white.
Or don't be black.
And don't be Arab.
Be a combo.
Don't be an Arab.
Just a American liberal.
Wow.
Just a standard American liberal.
Had enough of the, whatever you want to say he is.
Dictator.
Oh, right, right.
Fascism.
The whole thing.
Fascism, pedophile, you know.
He was like a smart guy, a valedictorian.
He was like a scientist-y guy.
I think he was a teacher.
Must be extra tough for those guys because they're like so, like, you haven't
gotten into a fight
since you were seven.
And then you're going to get a gun and try to, like, kill a high-level person.
It's like, what a step up.
Well, he shot a Secret Service guy.
Really?
You just hit him in the vest.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
They don't know who shot who.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
You're saying the Secret Service guy shot himself?
Not himself.
It might have been friendly fire.
He's trying to get out.
It might have been friendly fire.
Is it that lady again?
Yes, I think she was there.
The lady was there.
The one that looks like me?
We were joking around about it in the green room.
Imagine if she was like, I know I fucked up way back in July, but look, guys, I'm
better.
I've been working out.
Yeah.
And then this is their second assignment.
We didn't talk about this part yet.
The tweet?
This is the guy?
Oh, yeah.
The weird time machine tweet.
Yeah, this is nuts.
So the Cole Allen guy tried to kill Trump.
It's not inside the White House, though, right?
It was at a hotel.
No, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
An ex-account for 2023 wrote a single tweet with that name.
With what?
So it just wrote Cole Allen from 2023.
The profile belongs to Henry Martinez, a NASA scientist who's missing.
The background image is from a website called Time Machine.
If you de-digitize it, the 2024 assassination attempt photos appears, but with
a hole in the
head instead of the ear.
The profile picture is a green toad in a tuxedo with a glass, exactly like
Trump in the assassination
attempt.
Either it's the most elaborate psyop in history or someone from the future is
leaving clues
in the past that only make sense once the events happen.
Why does time travelers keep trying to kill me?
Wait a minute.
How is that picture the same?
That is not the same.
That's just a bunch of colors and you could decide it's the same.
No, you got to decode it.
Oh, it's like a more eye.
You got to squeeze your eyes together.
It appears if you squeeze your eyes together.
I'm trying.
Sailboat.
What do you do?
Like one of those things where you could see like words in a-
Yeah, it was always a sailboat or a guitar.
Always.
Mallrats.
Do you think that makes sense, Jamie?
This picture part of it does not make a lot of sense.
I don't think.
But it is weird that the guy-
The tweet is strange enough.
The tweet is nuts.
Yeah, the tweet is strange enough.
From two years ago.
So he's trying to work up the courage for how long?
Three years.
23, yeah.
Yeah, and then the fact that it's a frog.
It's one of those Keck guys.
Right.
Those nutty fucking pranksters.
It's funny if he was just trying to search somebody's name.
He just got it right.
He was just like, hey, there's a cool guy I met earlier.
Is that the only tweet this guy ever made?
I think so.
Whoa.
Weird.
There is a bunch of random Twitter accounts that have tweeted random names just
one time.
So I don't know what the odds of that happening are.
They're pretty slim.
I believe he's-
These are the eight guys we have trying to work with mentally.
So one of them will be activated and try to kill somebody.
So let's get a tweet ahead of time.
Yeah.
So that guy really was, is that factual though?
That the guy really was a NASA scientist, Henry Martinez?
Well, so when the people were looking up his history, he had a brief, I think
like an internship
at JPL, NASA, you know, Jet Labs or something.
Yeah.
And I think the other guy did too.
I don't know that anybody knows more than that.
It is weird where you find out a lot of these guys have all these weird ties.
Yeah.
That guy who tried to shoot Trump in Pennsylvania was in a BlackRock commercial.
Oh, yeah.
Weird.
What?
It's all connected.
I did a lot of commercials when I was coming up and BlackRock never, I didn't
get an audition
for any of those.
Yeah, right?
I don't know how you get that commercial.
I would love to get that gig.
It's got to be non-union.
Not only that, like, you definitely get brought into the fold.
He was teacher of the year, this guy.
So did this guy get a shot off?
Was he close enough to get a shot off?
Allegedly.
Jamie said allegedly he shot a Secret Service guy.
How are these guys getting so close?
But it might have been that lady, the fat lady.
Well, this guy shot him.
Maybe.
Trying to get her gun out?
Oh, shit.
Oh, I'm going to get in trouble.
It might have been a sick P-320.
It might have shot himself.
She's handsome.
It's just crazy that they don't have better security.
Yeah, what the hell?
How'd the guy get in the hotel with a gun?
Like, how are you not checking every room?
How are you not, like, checking everyone's bags?
If you know that the president and all, Marco Rubio, all these fucking people
are going to
be there, and you don't, and Oz the Mentalist, and you don't have someone
checking guns.
Why is there better security at the improv on Black Comic Night?
Yeah, throw up a metal detector.
It's just crazy that they don't check for guns.
That's wild.
On a day where it's like, the president is going to be there.
You didn't check for guns?
I get it if it's like a UFC sniper or something, where it's like, we can't
check everybody like
that.
It's like 20,000 people.
But, like, this is so small.
Because they're saying he did shoot him, but I don't, this was the first time I
see him.
Secret Service agent did not shoot himself.
I don't think there's any question of what happened here.
That video they're playing is the AI video.
Yeah, that's...
Oh, what?
This is the real video, which is blurry.
Wow.
And then AI, they enhanced it.
Because this fucking hotel has shitty old cameras, which is crazy.
So that's the guy running with the guy?
By the way, the guy's putting in some fucking work there.
There's some speed.
He's got wheels.
Yeah, he moves.
That guy can move.
Half black.
Half black.
Half black.
Wah, wah.
Teacher.
He can shoot.
Teachers, you know, they work at a school.
I mean, what did he think was going to happen?
He was going to get past all the secret security guys, get through the crowd,
find Trump behind
the stage, and shoot him?
Like, how do you think he was going to get to him?
I think these guys don't think it out, but I bet they go like, I'm going to
shoot him,
then everyone's going to love me.
Yeah, they're going to be Luigi or some shit.
It might be schizophrenia, too.
Yeah.
Yeah, he might be out of his fucking mind.
But he lived, right?
He's in jail.
Yeah, he lived.
The guy who shot Reagan was like, taxi driver told me to do it.
Well, he rules.
So I was like, we're not all there.
I think he's out.
Was it Hinkley?
Yeah, Hinkley's out.
He's playing music.
Yeah, he plays music.
I think we've covered this on that.
Yeah, he plays love songs.
It's terrible.
From that to Manson songs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he was inspired by Jodie Foster.
Jodie Foster made him shoot.
There it is.
I will be your man.
That's a threat.
2023, recent release.
Can't we get along?
Let's hear 2023.
I like his job title.
Let's hear.
Criminal.
I want to hear I will be your man.
Let's hear what Hinkley's, what his jams are like.
You're going to have to pay for this.
We have to pay for that?
No.
We'll have to edit it.
We'll see.
We'll see.
Oh, man.
He's got his name on the guitar, just in case you don't know who shot Lincoln.
Shoot him.
For things so long ago.
You cannot define me by what you do not know.
Oh, yeah.
He's trying to.
I misunderstood.
It's an MKUltra.
I misunderstood.
That's what MKUltra does to him, man.
Yeah.
He looks like his brain's been washed.
Yeah.
Like they just poured bleach in his ears.
Yeah.
They're going to release MKUltra files this week, I think.
Yeah.
I bet.
I bet.
Yeah, all right.
They were supposed to release UFO files.
A lot of black lines coming in that one.
Yeah.
Whatever happened to the fucking UFO files?
Did he do Kennedy yet?
Is Kennedy out?
No.
What?
What, JFK?
Yeah.
Turns out there's some stuff in there that we couldn't see.
CIA.
Yep.
Maybe some other ones.
Congresswoman Annapolino Luna Lance's house hearings on MKUltra next month.
What is that?
A gang?
No.
I did see a-
What's MKUltra?
You don't know what that is?
No.
That's the mind control experiments that the CIA did in the 1960s, 70s.
On just people going to hookers.
Good, honest people going to hookers.
They took advantage of them.
What?
That's one part of it.
Yeah, that was Operation Midnight Climax.
They ran brothels.
What a good name.
Great name.
Whoa.
What a good name.
Solid name.
Yeah.
But that's absolutely proven.
That's all from a Freedom of Information Act request and from some documents
that they found.
What was the guy's name that was like the head of MKUltra?
Jolly West.
Yeah.
And then he went and saw Jack Ruby in jail.
Yeah, Jack Ruby went crazy.
Yeah.
He started saying they were lighting Jews on fire.
I'm in hell.
Like they gave him acid.
Yeah.
He's also, he was connected to Manson.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like this guy was running mind control operations all throughout the country.
Wow.
They ran brothels where they gave the Johns acid and the ladies would come out
and give the
Johns acid and they would watch through a two-way mirror and then film him.
Whoa.
See how they react.
Fucking hell of a night at the brothel.
Yeah, I know, right?
That's so sad.
This lady's pussy is outrageous.
Talking to me.
Trying to get laid.
Next thing you know, you're fucking seeing Jesus.
Yeah.
Seeing cannons.
Jesus is a candle.
You lean into it.
That's a good night.
Right?
Trying to get a hooker.
You go, oh.
What the fuck?
Meanwhile, your wife's at home waiting for the milk and bread.
Yeah, you come back.
I'm supposed to be gone for 30 minutes.
He's just trying to get a handjob.
Fuck is he?
It's the worst lie ever.
The CIA, they drug me.
What do you want?
How many marriages would completely dissolve if prostitution was totally legal?
Well, it'd be a lot easier to do.
Are they talking?
That's the thing.
The hooker's talking?
Yeah.
No, but guys are bad at covering up.
It's like Uber ratings, you know?
Oh, that would be bad.
You know what I'm saying?
Like some Uber drivers, they won't shut the fuck up.
I would never want to see my passenger score.
Yeah.
I don't want an XL either.
For prostitutes?
That's bad.
You know what I mean?
If they made prostitution completely legal and then they had scores, do you don't
think
gals would do it?
I think they would.
I think there'd be plenty of gals that would sign up.
Oh, for sure.
If prostitution was only fairs.
They're doing it now and it's illegal.
How so?
Oh, yeah, they are.
So, of course, if you took down the barriers, they would keep doing it.
Isn't it legal in New York City now?
Prostitution?
Yeah.
Kind of.
I've never been caught.
What is the...
How many guys have you blown?
Motherfucker!
I was a guest in this!
It was right there.
It was right there.
Yeah, it was a lot.
It was in that beard.
It was right there.
But they did do something.
Were they like decriminalized sex work in New York?
Yeah, I think you're right.
Yeah.
Let's find out, J-Mo.
Sex work.
I love when they read in for that.
Sex work.
They always have unhoused sex work.
It's sex work until one of them is fucking your husband.
Then it's a hooker.
Exactly.
And if you call a girl a whore, she gets mad.
Like, which one is it?
Sex worker.
Call a girl a sex worker.
You're a fucking sex worker.
Hey, that's a legitimate profession.
Like that.
It's a pretty funny way to do it.
Prostitution is illegal in New York City, but enforcement and politics around
sex work
are in flux.
Ooh.
The influx.
With active debates about decriminalization and new protections for sex workers
and trafficking survivors.
Anyone else?
Well, that's kind of crazy, isn't it?
If you have protection for the survivors, so you're saying that they're victims,
but
then you're also decriminalizing it.
So you're making it okay to do, but you're saying that they're victims?
No, and where it is legal, they go like, no one's going to abuse you because
you don't
need a pimp.
Right.
Because you're going to public here.
Right.
Probably should be.
So that's, well, listen, if you can give someone a massage, you should be able
to jerk
them off.
It doesn't make any sense.
You got that right, Robert Kraft.
You do.
You poor guy.
Old bastard.
I met that guy.
You can't help think about that when you're shaking his hands.
Like, sorry they got you, sir.
Sorry they got you.
Just a normal thing.
It could have happened to so many people.
A hundred percent.
They set him up.
He wasn't even getting laid.
No.
It's handy.
And he's standard.
I never got a massage handy.
Me neither.
I'm down.
Every single massage I got, I've been like, I'll shit here.
You should have responded to those Epstein emails.
There's an app for it now called Tug or something.
I think so.
Don't ruin it for everybody that's on Tug.
Get on it.
Somebody told me how to figure out which one of the handjob places, which one
are real.
Epstein told me.
He goes, you know the one, no, a friend, no.
What?
Jiu-jitsu guy.
Jiu-jitsu guy, Epstein, yeah.
And he goes, you know the ones with like locks on the door?
He goes, no business doesn't want you in there.
If you have to buzz in, they're like, hold on, stop jerking.
There's a cop here.
My friend goes on a lunch break.
Like, it's pretty popular in New York.
People are totally, when I moved to Philly, every single person was like, yeah,
that's
normal.
Totally normal.
So, are the girls gross?
They're Asian.
I think there's a range.
And sometimes you get like a Ukrainian skank.
Skank.
Nice.
Fucking sexy.
Nice.
Could you imagine, though?
Skank you are.
Have some respect for yourself, whore.
How many relationships would just completely dissolve if prostitution was 100%
legal?
I think he has done already.
Well, I'll tell you, Thailand it pretty much is, and girls fuck on the first
date.
Date?
You're taking them out?
No, not those.
Regular girls, because if I make you wait, you're just going to get a hooker.
Really?
So, like, I better put out.
Wow.
I like that competition.
They seem a little looser sexually anyway in Thailand.
Yeah.
You know, with the whole ladyboy thing.
Right.
They're pretty chill with everything.
Yeah, they're pretty relaxed, except for kicking the shit out of people.
They're really good at that.
They're really good at that.
It's weird.
Weird.
Like, a laid-back society is so good at fucking people up with martial arts.
You ever look at ladyboys using their training?
Like, before they turned into full ladyboys?
Pull it up.
They train kickboxing?
What, ladyboys do Muay Thai, too?
When they were younger.
God damn it.
There was one famous one who transitioned to a woman, but kept fighting men,
and started
getting fucked up, because now she didn't have any hormones anymore, or balls,
and so she's
just getting the shit kicked out of her as a girl when she was dominating as a
guy.
Wow.
It's kind of sad.
Like, the one thing that you're really good at, other than sucking guys' dicks,
is fucking
people up.
No, you can't do that.
No, I meant on the streets.
See, that's a guy.
I meant on the streets.
Oh, wow.
Is it?
Yes, that's a guy.
Oh, right.
That's a guy.
Ladyboy.
That's a guy dressed like a girl.
No, I meant on the streets.
Oh, shit.
Like, if you pick on one of the streets, they all come after you, but then they
use
their training.
Oh, yeah.
No, I would imagine.
So they gang up and kick the box of shit out of you, and you're like, I just
wanted to
beat up a hooker.
Why are these half men coming at me?
Half men.
These dainty, dainty men.
All right, you need a drink.
I got one.
Oh, okay.
Cheers, boys.
Hey.
Hey, we're back.
Comedy, baby.
We're back.
The parks are being saved.
Dude, all over Latin America, anytime I got recognized, they'd be like, when
are we going
to get into the projector parks?
I'm like, I'm not really in the area right now.
As soon as I'm out of Uruguay, I'll let them know.
Yeah, I would get questions from people.
It was always that.
Same.
When's the next, protect our parks?
Anytime I run into someone somewhere.
Globally, too.
Australia, I got it.
New Zealand, I got it.
It's all over.
It is fun, though, when somebody, like, last week, somebody was like, April 30th.
And they'd be like, what?
Yes.
I'm like, keep it quiet.
I did that, yeah.
It's very fun.
The world needs us.
Oh, yeah.
It's good to be back.
It's a goofy-ass, fake fucking world out there.
Wow.
I can't believe how many we've done.
Cannons rule.
We got that going for us.
I want to talk to that guy.
I want to find out what really happened.
Interview that Indian fella.
So apparently they're saying he got fired.
Is that what the story is, Jamie?
He got fired, then he just made up the story?
Wait, you can't just make a public post on your boss trying to fuck you anymore?
Not anymore.
It all changed.
I think it was a lawsuit that was filed.
I'm not saying that the lawsuit is fake, but they're just saying it's horseshit,
is what
people are saying.
Does the lady still work there?
I believe what I read was that J.P. Morgan investigated, didn't find it
credible, and
she still works there, yeah.
That doesn't seem like what she got out of that.
If I was a guy, I don't...
We're going to put you on leave while we look this over.
100%.
Interesting.
100%.
And then, like, Trevor Bauer, like, oh, he found out it's fake.
Like, can I get my job back?
They're like, nah.
Was Trevor Bauer?
He works for the Long Island Ducks.
Trevor Bauer is a Cy Young, the highest award for a pitcher.
Phenom.
He got some chick, pretty much told all their friends, like, I'm going to go
get money out
of that guy.
Yep.
We got the text message to prove it.
Yeah, he kind of proved it all, but Dodgers, was it Dodgers?
I don't remember.
It was like, hey, you can't work here anymore.
He was with the Brewers.
Brewers?
No, I don't remember.
Moved to Japan.
Moved to Japan, tried to pitch there, and he's like, I'm good.
He told MLB, he goes, I'll pitch for free, and I'm a Cy Young winner.
And everyone's like, eh.
That's crazy.
Lost 300 million.
Yeah.
Now he's playing for the Miners in Long Island.
He loves playing.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
And what happened to her?
I think she got like a slap on the wrist.
Yeah, I think she was like, he was like, don't come after me anymore.
Don't come after anybody else anymore.
That's it?
She did photos with black eyes.
She got makeup done.
He beat me up.
He beat the shit out of me.
It was all made up.
It was a pretty crazy story.
Monsters out there.
Crazy.
But the crazier thing is like, if it is the Dodgers, say it is, to not go, hey,
dude, we were fooled.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Here's your contract back.
He should sue them for that.
How old is he now, though?
He's lost years of his career.
Yeah.
Probably over, right?
Yeah.
He's still great.
He just pitched a no-hitter.
Really?
Yeah.
He's playing against nine-year-olds.
That's exciting.
He's left in the minor leagues.
So spacey.
How old is he, Jamie?
35.
That's crazy, because when it all happened with him.
Yeah, he's 35.
He's 35 now.
It was about eight or nine years ago, wasn't it?
Yeah, 2020.
2020?
2021 is when he was suspended.
Five years ago, he was suspended.
So he lost his prime.
30 to 35.
That's prime.
Ruined his life.
He had just won the Cy Young.
He's just won it.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
And all she gets is a slap on the wrist?
Crazy.
He was pretty much like, go away.
She violated some part of the settlement and had to pay him 300 grand.
Oh, great.
That'll cover his fucking monthly whatever.
Yeah, the zin.
Jesus Christ.
That's crazy.
Got a couple zins out of it.
She only got fined 300 grand.
She cost him 300 million.
Exactly.
Oh, my God.
That's crazy.
Whatever you accuse someone of, if it's fake, you should get that punishment.
Or you're trying to get it done.
No, I completely agree.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
That's never the case, though.
Never.
Well, she can't play for the Dodgers.
Bah.
Who was he with?
That's the thing that's bothering me about this.
It was the Dodgers.
Yeah.
When that happened, it was the Dodgers.
Fake sports fan.
They've been on a bunch of teams, though.
Why did I think it was the Brewers?
Because of his last name?
Because of his last name?
Bauer.
Bauer Brewer.
Yeah.
So if he went to jail for it, that's what she should go to jail for.
Right.
Because if she's accusing him of sexual assault.
He was, I think she was just suing him, suing him.
And then public, whatever.
Destruction of reputation.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
That's all awful.
Poor guy.
You should have him on.
I would.
That'd be a great convo.
Holla at me, son.
He's also, I think, pretty funny.
No way.
I bet he is.
Yeah.
Bro, you got to get a sense of humor after that.
If you survive that, you survive that, I bet you have a wicked sense of humor.
Is that a plan in Japan where they all have tiny strike zones?
Yeah.
That's one thing I think we could all attest to.
Is that the only thing you think?
You survive a cancellation.
You come out on the other end just a little bit more.
Funny.
Yeah, a little funnier.
Nothing really matters.
A little more pop.
A little more pop to the punchlines.
He's throwing 102 in Japan.
How many kilometers an hour is that?
Kanye recovers from getting canceled to have the biggest concerts in human
history.
Yeah.
So funny.
Standing on top of the world with clouds.
Bill Cosby must be amazing right now.
He's blind, though.
He can't read his notes.
Oh, it's tough to read off a teleprompter.
You're a blind comic.
I don't think he ever read anyway.
I think he was all in his memory anyway.
But I don't even know if he writes or if he just sits down and comes up with
his stories.
Because he's like a story guy.
Yeah.
He is pretty good.
I heard an album.
It really paints a picture.
But then you listen to Kinnison and you're like, oh, this guy, Cosby, is very
slow.
Well, it's a different style.
It's like listening to, you know, John Denver versus Metallica.
You can't, you know.
Solid comparison.
Yeah.
You got to be in the mood.
Yeah.
Both good.
Rocky Mountain High.
I was blasting it last night.
Bro, that fucking concert in Moscow.
Yeah, it's the best ever.
That is the greatest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.
We're going to watch it later again.
We're going to watch it again.
We're going to watch it again.
Fuck yeah.
Norman, don't be scared of the repeating.
It's going to be a loop of that shit.
That's fine.
People haven't listened to this song in a year.
It's a yearly reminder.
We're going to close out with a live Freebird from 77.
Fuck you.
Did you get me a beer?
Here it is.
Look at this.
Oh, God.
We're doing it again.
Bro, come on.
Jamo, why'd you do that?
Deja Jew.
Imagine how pumped these people are.
Communism is dead for a little bit.
And then Metallica's on stage.
It's so sad that rock is dead.
We were talking about that.
Yeah, it's all queefy now.
When was the last time?
Where's the new rock bands?
The new Zeppelin?
White Star's been around for a while.
Those have to be smaller bands.
Right, but where's the big ones?
It used to be Van Halen.
It used to be the biggest part of music.
Rolling Stones.
Shredding.
ACDC.
I know.
I mean, Aerosmith.
Even Korn.
It used to be the biggest part of music was rock and roll.
What the fuck?
That's kind of crazy.
Nice.
Bodega Cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Available at fine bodegas all across Manhattan.
You got that right, Fetty.
Get a bottle.
But yeah, now it's country.
Country's huge now.
Country's huge.
Which is fine, but what happened to rock?
I know.
What happened to rock?
I love country.
I have no problem with country getting huge.
Yeah, what happened to rock?
What happened to rock?
Who are the biggest?
They said garage bands are coming back with kids, which kind of means nature is
healing.
That's a good sign.
Yeah, kids are tired of playing video games.
They want something real.
But the thing that doesn't make sense about rock music is everybody still loves
it.
Right.
Everybody still plays covers.
I don't know who you're making yet.
Oasis is doing giant arenas all over the country.
But they're playing old songs.
I took Acid at that Oasis concert.
Really?
Which one?
Where'd you go?
MKUltra?
Chicago.
Chicago.
I got MKUltra'd.
Yeah.
I was just watching the concert like, holy shit.
How fun is music on Acid?
It's the best.
See, I've never done Acid since college.
I go shroom now.
Acid.
It's responsible for Grateful Dead's entire career.
I see how it worked.
I mean, apparently, if you listen to the Dead on Acid, it's a totally different
thing.
They were playing to Acid.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, they weren't playing for you to not like it on Acid.
You're supposed to, like, hey, you guys are on Acid, let me entertain you for a
second.
Yeah, you're supposed to be on Acid.
It's like those ayahuasca eco-rose.
You listen to them normally, they're not that interesting.
But if you're tripping on DMT, they're pretty fucking incredible.
I got somewhere at Roger Waters.
We were doing a podcast here, me, Sigoura, and Bert, and you.
And you're like, what are you doing tomorrow?
Are you going to stay?
Roger Waters is playing.
I was like, oh, I got to.
This is so funny.
It's like, I was like, I got to leave.
He goes, why?
I'm like, oh, yeah, I don't know.
But I'm like, but my hotel, I have to check out tomorrow.
He goes, extended.
You were my personal guest of Roger Waters.
Change Ari's flight to the next day.
And I'm like, yeah, all right.
But then it was like, I got to find Acid on one day's notice.
Yeah.
You got to shout out Roger Waters because he was way ahead of everybody calling
out the
genocide.
Way ahead of everybody.
He was doing it a long time ago.
A long time ago calling out how they're treating the Palestinians.
I thought they even really got kicked up.
He's a little frosty with the heaves, though, is he not?
He got frosty with me.
Oh, there you go.
He got frosty with you.
He was livid at me.
You were fucking with him.
What'd you say?
He was on Acid and he was fucking with him after the show.
We were all hanging out and Roger was drinking.
This was sober October.
It was sober October.
We had a one day permission to do one thing.
Exemption.
Exemption.
Come on, guys.
I'll give you guys each a drink if you let me do one piece of paper.
I chose the devil's cabbage.
I was scared of the Acid because who knows where it came from.
I'm like, all right, I got a business to run.
I can't go crazy right now.
I did some.
Tony's ex did some.
And I remember we were back at the hotel and I was looking at this picture and
I was
like, damn, this is a crazy video.
Ari is full on weeping in the middle of the concert.
Full on.
This is amazing.
Balling.
This is amazing.
He came up and sat next to me and I'm like, what's wrong with Ari?
He's fucking freaking out.
I'm like, dude, are you okay?
I was not okay.
He didn't even know what the dose was.
He just took whatever the guy gave him.
It was fresh too.
I had to let it dry in the AC of the car over there and hold it on the vent and
let it dry
some.
It was like blob of paper.
It blotted, yeah.
Whoa.
It was so good.
See, that's the thing with that.
You don't know when it's going to end.
You don't know where it came from.
Also, you don't really know when it's going to start.
I took a little.
I took a little and I was like, this shit's not working.
Give me another one.
Oh, that old move.
Boy, that old move.
I stayed at a painting in my hotel room for 12 hours.
You know how many guys have ruined their fucking entire life by doing that with
edibles?
Yes.
Gotten that second one.
Got the second one.
I don't feel shit.
They took that second one and then they can't escape.
This is how those stories start.
Every time you're like, maybe I'll take the other half.
And they roll right into schizophrenia land.
Hey.
Maybe your mom's not really your mom.
Early years of comedy, I pitched a show and Lionsgate picked it up.
And they flew me out to LA to pitch the show to Netflix and Amazon.
It was the biggest deal of my life.
And the night before, I did Tripoli's show.
And he gives you a bag of weed stuff.
You know?
And I was like, I can't do weed.
I'm a wuss.
I'm a lightweight.
And he goes, well, take some CBD.
And I go, oh, okay.
I'll do that.
I want to get some sleep.
So I chugged a bottle of CBD.
And it was THC.
I woke up.
The bed was vertical.
I was hanging on to the post.
You don't know you're going to take it?
It felt like the carpet was sinking with me.
I was holding on to a chair.
You didn't have to meet you the next day.
I skipped it.
I couldn't go.
It was too high.
I was high for like 14 hours.
Oh, yeah.
You should have went.
My manager's like shaking me like, you've got to go.
And I'm like, I can't do it.
I can't face him.
Like Lee Syatt.
That's so funny.
You should have went.
Oh, God.
I would have sold a different show.
I would have shoved my hand up your ass and operated you like a puppet.
I would have made you go.
I don't know.
I would have sold like Duncan Trussell's show if I showed up.
But I couldn't face him.
And I think they dropped me after that.
Duncan is the absolute best at saying, like, fucking around.
Like, he was going, hold on.
I just got a text from my wife's boyfriend.
How's he doing?
Not good.
Turns out he's got syphilis.
Poor guy.
I hope he gets better.
Just casual.
There's nothing worse than getting that high.
Like, McCusker used to make weed gummies when we lived together.
He would make homemade.
Wow.
He would, like, try to make shit.
Gummies?
It was crazy.
And then I'd just be sitting there playing Xbox and he'd be like, here, take
some of
these.
And I'd just try them out.
But one time he left.
I did a show at a casino outside of Philly.
He gave me a bag of gummy bears.
Obviously, I got fucking hammered.
And I was just in my hotel room, just, I ate them.
I just ate as many as I could.
Did you know that they were pot gummy bears?
I did.
I did.
But I was hammered.
I was like, fucking, I don't give a fuck.
Gummy bears, they're so good.
I just killed that fucking hotel lobby.
That was great.
And then I woke up and it was in a casino with no, my room had no windows.
It was in the fucking basement.
And I didn't know my buddy was also, I was like, you can sleep in my room.
He was on the floor.
He was this kid that opened for me.
In the morning, I woke up and I was still high as fuck.
And I was just like, ah, ah.
In the darkness, I hear somebody like, Shane.
And I was like, ah.
That's something waking up high as wild.
Waking up high as wild.
I was like, who's there?
Who's there?
You remember the days where Joey Diaz would have people in the church or what's
happening
now?
And he would swap out the 25 milligram animals for 250s?
He did it to me.
There's like a package like this, whatever.
And I see it, it says 25.
I'm like, you know what?
I'm a 10 guy.
But when I'm with Joey Diaz, I'll go 25.
And then I ate it.
But then something nags in your head.
You're like, why was it 25?
It was like tilted.
Why was it open?
Why was it tilted a little?
Right.
And then I was just like, kept talking.
And I was like, picked it off.
And you just see 250.
And you're like, Joey, you killed me.
Oh, you would give Lee Syatt 500s?
What?
You would give him two 500s?
We just got Lee again.
We did a 420 episode.
And Lee was like, oh yeah, back to that.
Indy 500.
500 milligrams?
Yeah.
It's crazy, dude.
That blows.
You know what's crazy?
J-Mo, Jamie can do 1,000 and it barely hits him.
Shut up.
Is that true?
You have no body fat.
No, no, no.
He's got some weird enzyme.
You got to go with a slice of pizza or something.
Doesn't work on everything, man.
Wow.
Okay, fair.
Damn.
Yeah, it just doesn't work with his spectrum-y.
Yeah, anything more than 10.
Some people, every once in a while.
His brain, his super brain just shuts it off.
Like, nope, not interested, bye.
Wow.
Mine does not, dude.
If I take 10 milligrams, I'm like, oh.
Same.
Well, the UFC's are always great.
We took, like, 50 in just, like, six hours.
Well, you guys took acid at the UFC before.
We were up in the bat seats, and we took acid, and me, Red Band, and Diaz, and
then Rogan.
It was kind of early on, and Rogan's like, where are you guys?
We're like, we're up there, and he's, like, seeing us.
Like, are you guys flying?
We're like, we're fucked, dude.
And he's like, where are you?
And he goes, I just...
Half of my day was thinking about them being on acid, watching these crazy
fights.
Can you imagine?
It made me jealous.
It felt like the Coliseum.
Forrest Griffin came in, and everyone's cheering.
I'm like, why are you cheering?
You might get hurt.
You animals.
This is, like, 2005, then.
Yeah.
This is early days.
Yeah.
I just seen Brock Lesnar on acid.
Terrifying.
Bro.
He's a warrior, that guy.
Bro.
Like a Viking.
You ever see his daughter?
His daughter's a champion shot putter?
What?
What?
Bro.
No, wait till you see it.
She's a fucking athlete.
Oh, shot put.
She throws that iron ball.
What did he think?
He thought I was shooting a gun.
Bro, she's...
She looks a lot like him.
Oh!
You gotta see her.
It's definitely related.
Watch her.
Yeah, 100%.
Look at those jeans.
Hulk Hogan.
But watch the video.
Go to...
Jesus.
See if you can find a video of her throwing it.
I would not talk shit, Mark.
She's a beautiful, sturdy lady.
Brock Lesnar, Mark's talking shit.
I agree with Shane.
I have nothing but respect for you and your family.
Oh, is she albino?
I'm sturdy.
That is a fucking woman.
I know you do.
Look at this.
Whoa!
Pale honky.
Bro, that's crazy.
Imagine blowing your shoulder out, trying to fucking throw that thing.
Woo-wee!
Imagine her grabbing your balls.
Hachi-machi.
Can't get over the line.
Don't get over the line.
Make a warrior with those jeans.
Yes.
You're a proud buffalo.
What's the mom look like, huh?
She's hot.
She's just a tank.
She's a pro wrestler.
She's a fucking transformer.
She's a bulldozer.
She's Optimus Prime.
Get the mom up.
The mom is hot.
Oh, yeah?
She got all Brock's jeans.
That's the mom.
What?
Oh, my lord.
From WWF?
That's right.
Whoa!
That's the wife.
Sable was so hot.
That's what I'm talking about.
The puppies.
But, bro, look at his jeans.
Those jeans dominate.
Nice cannons.
Those are Viking jeans.
That's what Iceland looks the way it is.
Viking jeans.
Oh, is that them now?
Yeah.
Oh, hell yeah.
She's 10 years older than them.
She looks pretty good.
She looks great.
She's got a bit of a bulge, though, on the right.
That's her hands, dude.
Oh, God.
Hands are in her pocket.
You never know anymore.
Jesus, you're really risking it with.
I love you, Brock.
Brock Lesnar's gonna fucking kill you.
He's gonna find you.
He doesn't care.
Rock and roll.
He's writing your name down with crayons right now.
Norman.
Bad.
He's got that sword tattoo right here.
Just a real warrior.
Yeah, he said he got drunk and didn't remember it and woke up and was like,
what the fuck did I do?
Yeah, right, you just regret it.
That's a lame tattoo.
You just regret it.
For sure.
For sure.
Well, Steve-O's got a dick on his forehead.
Yeah, but that's for fun.
Yeah.
He's got tattoos on an ATV.
He was on the podcast and it was like first couple of minutes and I was like,
do you have
a dick tattoo above your eyebrows?
And I was like, yeah.
What?
I've done his pod.
I didn't notice that.
Good impression.
It must be new.
I missed it.
Yeah, it's pretty new.
Pull it up.
He was on a few months ago.
J-Mo.
Not even.
New Jackass coming next month.
Yeah, look.
Oh, man.
What a lunatic.
Wow.
Yeah, I wouldn't recommend that.
Post Malone tattooed him?
Post Malone tattooed him.
He's not a trained tattoo artist.
Well, I don't think he has to be trained.
Dick's got quite a curve.
He's pretty good.
Are there rules?
Yeah, he might actually know.
Are there any rules as to like who can do a tattoo?
I don't think so.
If you're in charge or whatever and like have a business, yeah, but.
You could just do it though.
You could just do one to your friend?
I saw fear.
You could just do it with pen.
Interesting.
Huh.
Interesting.
Steve-o's a good egg.
He's a fun dude.
Steve-o rules.
He's a fun dude.
Jackass rules.
New Jackass.
I was so excited when I heard.
It was like.
Oh, they're doing another one?
June.
Bro, he played a bunch of the scenes where in Knoxville did too, them all
getting concussions.
And I was like, I asked Knoxville, how many times you've been out?
He's like at least 16.
Wow.
16 times.
Out cold.
It's funny when one of them gets like Reddit rap for not going hard enough like
Knoxville
did once and he goes, fine, I'll step up and I'll literally blow a ball off.
And then like, and like Danger had one where he's like, I'll be the one this
time.
Knoxville always went so hard.
Yeah.
It was bad.
It was bad feedback.
But they were like, you're protecting your face too much.
He was like, all right, I'll show you.
I asked, I asked Wee Man.
I was like, who got PTSD this time?
He was like, England.
England's fucked forever now.
Oh, yeah.
Why?
What?
Why?
Because they put him in horrible situations.
What are they doing?
I don't know.
I'm waiting to find out.
What, Jamie?
I'm talking about this one because the last one they got him.
No, they got Danger Aaron last time bad with the bear and shit where you could
tell
he's like, this is never going to leave me.
And the fucking donkey in the one.
That was terrifying.
Donkey.
They'll kick it.
He just walked up behind when the goal was to get him bucked.
And they're nuts.
He has to stand behind him.
Yeah, he's just behind him like shaking and they're all making fun of him.
And the donkey kicked him?
Yeah, got him right in the balls.
Hard.
Oh, my God, dude.
They had him get into a room.
He obviously knew something was happening.
He knew something's up.
He had no idea.
He just can't be.
He looks great.
He does look pretty good.
Nice skin.
He was always a handsome devil.
He's a handsome guy.
So, he's in the room strapped to a table and doing like an electric chair.
They're shocking him.
He's like, come on, stop.
It's annoying.
But I get it.
And then what happens?
They cover him in honey.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, the balls.
And he's like, what?
Is that meat?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Relax.
This is out.
The fucking honey's in my eye.
Oh, shit.
Oh, God.
Oh, shit.
Something's opening.
He's got a chain on.
The bear.
Keep watching it.
The chain is probably just so they can pull him off.
Yeah.
Stay calm.
Oh, he's going to lick him?
The chain isn't attached to anything.
That's a good point.
Chain's free.
Oh, this is wild.
This is crazy.
Are you really allergic to bees, Aaron?
Oh, he's trembling.
And then they shock him.
What?
They're shocking him.
I didn't even get the answer.
All right.
We can't really.
Oh, is that like salmon?
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I believe so.
Oh, this is crazy.
He's so frightened.
Oh, he's got the paw.
There's nothing more in there.
There is, though.
There's nothing more in there.
That's not so bad.
What if he just came?
Yeah, it's kind of nice.
Yeah.
You see his pants get wet?
They fucked with him real bad, though.
This was...
Like, get him out, get him out.
Yeah.
So it's a trained bear.
Sort of, though.
But it's a bear.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what's nice is BAM.
They let BAM back in the group.
Oh, good.
Oh, really?
He's in the next one.
I heard he's skating again.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's...
Westchester, baby.
He's getting there.
So what happened to him?
He just went off the rails?
Drugs?
Pills?
Pills?
Pills.
Now he's back?
He's back.
Nice.
Come back.
Let's go.
BAM rules.
There's a video I saw, and it was like asking all the Jackass people who can
skate.
People are like, oh, Wee Man's pretty good.
And then someone's like, no, Dangerous is pretty good.
And then it just starts the Kyron just going, it's BAM.
And then John Knoxville's like, I can go to Ollie.
Like, it's BAM.
BAM was good.
I met him a bunch when I was going to college.
Really?
Really?
Yeah, I went to college in Westchester where they all were.
So, like, yeah, you'd see him around town.
He was just the nicest.
Yeah.
He was always just the man.
He owned that town, huh?
Oh, yeah.
He had a purple Lambo.
You'd see it.
It'd be at the fucking Wawa.
You'd be like, holy fuck, BAM's here.
Holy fuck.
Holy.
With his eyeliner.
Yeah.
I drove by Castle BAM.
You know the house they have?
It was right where I lived when we were filming tires.
I lived right next to it, and I would occasionally just drive over and look at
it.
Yeah.
Every kid's dream.
Skateboard shit in the back, the ramps.
He did some trick that was off a bridge onto a moving bus and then off the bus
onto the road.
I think you're thinking of the video game.
Oh, I love the game.
Maybe, but no.
This was real.
BAM's dad got fucked pretty hard, though.
What happened?
Well, they would just punch him in the face for no reason.
Phil.
He would just wake him up and just start punching him in the face.
It was great.
Sweetest man on the planet.
BAM, come on, man.
CKY.
Cut it out.
I'm sleeping.
CKY.
Fucking rude.
Crazy that those guys did that for so long.
Oh, yeah.
Like, that seemed like a thing you could only do, like, once.
Hell, they're still going.
Yeah.
One of the first places I ever did stand-up and hosted my own show was his bar
in Westchester.
Wow.
The note.
Like, how old are they?
Like, how old is Steve-o?
He's got to be 50.
Yeah.
50.
Here.
Look with him.
Yeah.
What are you going to do to him?
Oh.
Oh, the dad finally gets his revenge.
He's hiding behind the door.
Yeah.
That's all right.
Yeah, jackass rules.
Yeah, hell yeah.
Jackass is the best.
It's the best comedies.
That was a-
It's just crazy that those guys made a career doing that.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was-
They became famous just fucking each other up.
We all copied them.
Me and my friends were outside-
Yeah.
Filming us jumping into trees off the booth and shit.
Totally.
It was-
We all were like, this is the coolest thing ever.
Yeah.
They were all had to be-
They were the first one to be like, don't do this.
Anyway, that's the legal part.
Now watch.
And try to do it.
This shit's fun.
We're having a blast, though.
You should try it.
But don't do it legally.
Yeah.
How is the new Fear Factor?
I know Knoxville's hosting it.
I haven't seen it.
Knoxville, yeah.
He came on to promote it.
Yeah.
He's hosting the new Fear Factor.
It's very nice.
I love Jackass so much.
Yeah, me too.
He's a good dude.
Johnny Knoxville's a really nice guy.
The coolest.
Yeah.
Although his dick is broken.
That sucks.
I think it's fixed.
Oh, great.
I think they've fixed it.
Fix that nowadays.
All right.
It's themselves.
Fucking everyone's getting them.
I got them.
Everyone's getting dicks these days.
Wait, you got stem?
Yeah.
Whoa.
His knees.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
It's been one day.
I don't know.
How do you feel?
I feel fine.
Do you see that thing that I sent you today?
No.
I sent you an article.
This video of those ladies is saying that the one operation that has the least
amount of success
and is the most unnecessary is meniscus operations.
I had one, too.
I couldn't walk, though.
What do you mean?
I had to do it.
They said rehabilitation is better.
Keeping the tissue in there and rehabbing it is better than having it removed.
Interesting.
I don't know.
I had mine removed on my left leg.
Yeah.
But it does fuck with me more than my right leg.
And what did you have on the right leg?
I have a tear, a meniscus tear.
And you just left it?
Stem celled.
No.
Stem celled it.
I tore it doing a kicking contest with Joe Schilling.
Whoa.
With jeans on.
You're a jackass.
Jeans on.
This is totally jackass.
He just wanted to see who could kick harder.
Like, he heard I kick really hard.
He's a world champion kickboxer, so he wanted to kick this thing, and he wanted
me to kick it.
And I did it with jeans on.
What did you do?
A bag at the arcade?
We have this machine in the back.
Oh, the test.
You hit it, and it shows you, like...
You tore your meniscus on that?
Yeah.
Because you fucking rocked that thing.
With no warm-up at all at 52 years old.
Just fucking slammed it.
Joe Schilling came in three hours early and stretching.
No, he didn't.
He did no warm-up either.
That would be a great jackass.
Joe Rogan kicks you.
Yeah, that would be bad.
He had Butterbean punch him.
I saw that.
It's the hardest thing to watch, too.
Because he was already rocked and fucked up, and then Butterbean put him out.
And they're in, like, a Target or something.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, a Bodega or something.
Yeah.
The extra level, though, is that it's not just somebody.
It's Butterbean punching you.
Or it's not just taking a slap shot.
It's somebody from the Predators fucking slap shotting it at your face.
Oh, that's right.
He had Francis Ngannou punch him in the balls.
The cup test.
Oh, God.
They just kept telling him, like, your fighter's going to come today.
And they didn't tell him it's Francis Ngannou.
Oh, my God.
It's hilarious.
Oh, my God.
Oh, there he is.
This is mean.
I mean, this is too far.
I can't watch that.
Yeah, you can.
Watch it.
All right.
Let's watch it.
Watch this.
And Francis doesn't even hold back.
Oh, I mean, that's going to ruin your junk.
Oh, dude.
That kind of pain is crazy.
Oh, I feel for this guy.
Also, that's a terrible cup.
That's a shitty cup.
No one should ever doubt danger ever again.
Watch this.
One more time.
Oh, my God.
Bro, he put all of his 265 pounds into that, too.
The realization on his face when it's like, it's worse than I thought it was
going to be.
And it's real.
Bro, it's like getting hit by a car.
Right on your dick.
That's brutal.
Right.
Look at the eyes change.
And the thing about those shitty cups is sometimes those shitty cups hit your
nut.
Like, the cup, actually, your balls are kind of, like, poking out the side a
little bit.
Oh, my God.
And the cup slams into your nut.
It's also, it's not, they just got this at Target on the way to this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right.
It was like it was fitted.
They were just like, I don't know, just give me one.
Real solid cup with the compression shorts.
See, Gen Z or Gen Alpha will never have a jackass.
You don't think so?
No, I think they're too mean.
But what about these streamers that keep getting beat up?
Yeah, they're too mean.
Oh, is that a thing?
Yeah, these streamers are, like, picking fights at people and getting fucked up.
Intentionally dangerous.
Yeah, there's a lot of streamers that are getting that fuck beaten out of them.
In a good way?
Well, I mean, they're provoking people, and occasionally they provoke the wrong
person.
They fight club it until somebody picks a fight back with them.
There's this one with Tiki.
Tiki fought for the UFC.
He's, like, a top-level trainer, manages fighters.
And this streamer kid is in his face telling him he's going to fuck him up.
And Tiki's like, oh, really?
And he's like, yeah, I'll fuck you up for sure.
And then he, like, moves too close to him, and Tiki just cracks him.
Is that the elbow?
No, I think he punched him.
I don't know if he elbowed him or punched him.
It's so hard to tell because it happened so fast.
But it's like the dude's in his face.
And this is a dude, this guy.
Watch this.
And he's got a drink in his hand.
Damn.
Is it an elbow?
Slow that down a little bit.
That was right on the jaw.
It either is a punch or an elbow.
It's hard to say because it happened so fast.
Yeah, it's an elbow.
Nice elbow.
What did he say to him?
Nice elbow.
Are you sure that was an elbow?
He said he was going to fuck him up.
He said he was going to slap him.
I'll slap the shit out of you.
Something like that.
Is that just cause?
Yeah, I thought he's the wrong guy to fuck with.
Right.
Like, Tiki's really good.
Tiki Masala.
He's big.
I wouldn't, even if he didn't do UFC, I wouldn't walk up to him and be like,
What are you going to do, pussy?
He's actually crazy.
He needed to drop it.
And he's holding whiskey.
Yeah.
Well, that's probably why he didn't punch him.
He was so calm until the second.
But he dropped it.
He let it go.
Yeah.
Oh, really?
And elbows.
Nice technique, too.
One more time on that, James.
One more time.
If that was a hook, the kid's like, really bad.
Well, the elbows just as powerful, dude.
That's what I mean, especially coming out of Tiki.
So, let's see what he says to him.
He said a bunch of shit to him.
What?
I said straight up.
Are you the guy that got slapped on video?
I did, but I'll slap the shit out, you know.
Oh, you will?
I'm going to show you the inside of the house.
No, I'll make you another clip.
I'll do that.
Seriously?
I'll do that.
Oh!
There you go.
But some of these streamers, man, they make their whole fucking career out of
doing stuff
like that.
Oh, he got up.
Who's that guy?
Wow, he got up?
It's hard to say what's going on.
Or is that the bouncer?
Oh, it's his girlfriend?
It's hard to say what's happening.
It is hard to say.
It's not him that got up.
It's a girl or something.
Well, I think he probably got up, too, because I see the black jacket.
But it seems like he ran in there.
That's him.
Ran in there after him and threw a couple punches at him.
I mean, the fact that he took that is pretty impressive.
I'd be done.
I would have gone night-night.
Yeah, but you wouldn't have been there.
I wouldn't have been there.
You would have been going, I'll fucking knock you out.
You would have never done that in the first place.
The whole thing is crazy.
I'd be like, hey, he was talking more shit on the way up.
But there's so many of these guys that are picking fights.
They're just doing anything they can to get attention to go viral.
It's like a nightmare.
Walking down the street and someone's like, what's up, bitch?
Oh, boy.
Well, I'm going to look like a pussy.
I'm not going to do it.
I hate those.
It's some guy with his girlfriend at Target, and they just start mocking him
and mocking
the girl in front of him, forcing his hand.
It's like, dude, I'm just trying to shop.
I don't want to fight you.
Who are you?
That's how people get shot.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, you do it in the wrong place.
It's terrible.
But it's just these kids today, there's so many of them that are just trying to
get famous.
The number one thing the kids want today is to get famous.
They used to do a list.
What do you want to do when you grow up?
What are your goals?
A giant percentage of them are get famous.
That's true.
What's up with that clavicular homo?
You know what I'm talking about?
What's up with that guy?
I think he's the opposite of a homo.
Who?
I think his whole thing is looks-maxing to get chicks.
That sounds gay to me.
Looks-maxing?
What is looks-maxing?
Well, one of the things he does is apparently he hits his face with a hammer to
put micro breaks
in his face to make his jaw look stronger.
That's just trans.
You're just man-to-man trans.
There you go.
Oh, man-to-man trans.
Yeah, you've just altered your looks to make yourself more of a gender.
Wow.
Yes.
Interesting.
Gender affirming.
Yeah, it's gender affirming.
What about fake tits, then?
Is that trans for girls?
Yeah.
Let's do it.
Absolutely.
I like it.
No, don't take fake tits.
All right, leave fake tits, but you can't fucking make it- it's gender affirming.
If you're like, men look this way, then you're like, all right, so it's like
you can be something you're not.
He gets laid, though.
I'm sure.
Oh, I'm sure he does.
He's a handsome fellow.
He's very handsome.
Yeah, he's a handsome fellow.
But he's like pretty.
Apparently he does meth.
What?
Yeah, he talks about it because he finds it better than Adderall for
controlling his appetite.
That'll do it.
Like, this is the thing.
Like, they want to be lean.
The wheels are going to come off.
As lean as possible.
Yeah.
You can't do meth, but it's kind of entertaining.
It's easier than Adderall for controlling his appetite.
How about just self-will?
I don't-
This is when he overdosed the other day on stream.
Overdose.
It's easy.
What did he overdose on?
I don't-
Which one is he?
They don't-
That guy?
That's him.
Yeah, he is handsome.
He has a longer clip.
He's pretty handsome.
So what, did he just fall apart?
Oh, they took it off the camera, but yeah, he's just, like, falling down a k-hole.
He's about to be dead.
You know what, I actually saw this, and what was cool about it was how nice he
was to everybody.
Oh.
Like, even while he's, like, overdosing, he's like, people are coming up, can I
get a picture?
And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's probably on Molly.
That's cool.
Maybe he overdosed on Molly.
He looks like he's having eight.
Definitely Molly.
Yeah, it could be Molly.
That may be why he's so nice to everybody.
Yeah, that's not a k-hole.
That's not a k-hole.
I bet in one of those.
You don't smile.
Yeah.
Oh, really?
Oh, shit.
But is that overdosing, or is he just on it?
That's why it's-
The clips are going around saying overdosing.
It's for dorks, it's not overdosing, or he's fine.
Jester maxing is so funny.
These terms.
Look at his, like, a boy band.
Mocking and-
Mocking's hilarious.
Everything is toxic and dangerous.
Look at that.
The streamer looks maxing culture is top-
Culture.
What is gooning?
It's called a culture.
What is gooning?
Gooning is a thing.
We've had this argument.
What's gooning?
It's-
Jerking it off.
It's masturbating to just really obsessing over anything.
Wait, wait.
Hilarious.
Okay.
So, like, a stalker is gooning.
Ooh, could be.
I don't know if you're getting that right.
It's a reach.
Double goon.
It just means, like, you're obsessed over something, which is, like, masturbation
all the time,
and then it's become, like, obsession.
But I think it's stayed with masturbation.
It's definitely just masturbating.
It's basically just being as horny as you can fucking be, and it's very funny.
All right.
It is.
I've gooned quite a bit in my day.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You're a gooner.
I'm a gooner.
Yeah.
All right.
I'm just a beer, sorry.
What?
Can I get one of them beers?
Yeah, it's beer time.
I feel like one of those.
Joe Rogan's back.
Yeah!
Eight months off the sauce.
Wow.
Moderation.
He went on a-
Moderation is the key.
He went on a drinking withdrawal until Trump said he could do mushrooms as well.
And then he goes, okay, fine.
Fine, I'll drink.
What was that like, beating the Oval off?
Pretty fucking strange.
The whole thing was strange.
How about sending him a text message, explaining everything to him, and him
saying, let's do it.
Whoa.
Dude, let's do it.
And then the next day, he sees me-
I think that's his problem.
He keeps saying, yeah, let's do it.
He's getting texts from BB.
He goes, yeah, fuck it.
It always works out for me.
Shut down the straight.
He gives a fuck.
He showed up at the UFC event.
He shakes my hand.
He goes, it's done.
What?
And then a week later, we were in the White House with all the vets.
All those vets that had taken Ibogaine and saved their life.
You should have had, okay, it's missed opportunity.
You should have had all those vets, and then a couple dreadlocked white guys
who were
also like, this is going to help me a lot, too.
This is going to fucking rule.
I should have had Duncan.
I should have had Duncan.
Duncan, dressed like a shaman.
Everyone's going to benefit from this.
With a hat on like you're wearing.
You should have wore that fucking hat.
With a suit behind the present.
Well, I had a suit jacket and everything.
I was prepared, but it was in the other room.
But he goes, come on in the Oval Office.
So he brought me in the Oval Office early.
You were not wearing a suit?
I didn't see it.
I had a jacket.
I didn't have a tie.
I was going to wear a tie, but I hate ties.
I said, let me just dress like I dress at the UFC.
It looks fine.
So I wore my UFC fucking outfit.
So you were like Zelensky in a track suit.
No, I had a nice button-up shirt, nice pair of pants, nice dress shoes.
I was respectable, but I just wasn't wearing a tie.
But I did have a suit jacket, but it was in the other room.
But he dragged me into the Oval Office.
Come over here.
Look at this.
It looks so beautiful now.
He's showing me all the new gold work.
The Oval Office has gold everywhere now.
It's all gold leaf everywhere.
It's pretty impressive.
Who designed it?
The Persians?
Him.
He loves gold.
Definitely not the Persians.
Bin Laden loved gold.
He loves it.
He loves doing up the Oval Office.
Shane and I took a tour.
Me, you, and O'Connor.
Wait, what?
Yeah, we took a tour of the White House.
When?
Two years ago?
No, no.
A year?
A year.
Biden years?
No, it was Trump.
No, Trump years.
He wasn't there, so we got in.
But they were like, you can't go into the Oval Office.
We're like craning our head in with like our feet just on the outside.
Like, hold my hand.
Like in there.
Saw the big Gulf of America.
Oh, this is back.
Yeah, he literally just had a map next to his desk that says Gulf of America.
You're like, damn.
It's a map of water.
God damn.
Especially because you're like walking through and you're like, damn, Lincoln.
There's a lot of history here.
And then you see Gulf of America next to the desk.
Hey, fuck.
What is that really gross bill that they just passed, though?
What is that FISA bill that they just passed, Jamie?
Yeah, something just happened where people are freaking the fuck out.
Gross bill.
Belichick?
It's something to do with them being able to look into all your private
communications
without a warrant.
Oh, I don't like that.
Is there a new one Simone told me that every new car is going to have AI
testing to see
if you're drunk or not?
Yes, 27.
And then they also won't abuse it?
That's bad.
That's bad.
Bad news.
Wait, what was it?
They're going to be able to look at you while you're driving to make sure that
you're not
hammered, get video of you.
Uh-oh.
No more smoking joints in your car.
Never going to be able to drive.
Get an old car.
That's what I got.
Get an old Mustang.
Is that a real thing?
Saying the Senate's likely to reject the House passed.
Good.
Thank God.
We should force them to reject it.
Jesus Christ, this is crazy.
Three-year extension of Section 702 Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act that
allows federal government
to collect communications of non-citizens outside the U.S., though it often
includes communications
with American citizens.
But then if they suspect you of it, like with Tucker, Tucker was communicating
with Putin's
people to do an interview through signal.
So they took his encoded, so it's all encrypted.
They took his encrypted signal and they decrypted it.
Someone who knows this stuff, explained it to me, said it cost about $600,000
to do that.
They said they can decrypt encrypted messages.
They just have to get the data.
So somehow or another, they got the data off of his phone.
They unencrypted it and then they contacted him and said, we know that you're
meeting with
Putin.
He's like, how the fuck do you know?
They're like, we read your signal and he's like, what?
But he's like, yeah, I mean, I am meeting with him, I'm doing an interview, I'm
a journalist.
Yeah, well, that was his position, but it was also his position that he's using
an encrypted
app, like they, unless they're suspecting him of a crime, they shouldn't be
able to look
at his encrypted messages.
So like this idea that, you know, you're sending things on signal and no one
could read them,
I think that's bullshit.
I think it's more difficult to read them.
So local cops are not going to do it if you're just buying Molly.
Right.
That's not worth $600,000.
Exactly.
Right.
Didn't Hegseth shit get leaked too on signal?
Remember that?
Like a year ago?
I think that was because those people accidentally included a journalist.
So it was like a giant group of like 10 people or something like that.
And one of them was a fucking journalist.
These knuckleheads.
And the journalist has just released all the text.
So they were sending emojis after we bombed Iran.
Here's a fun story today.
Wait, that guy?
He's not alive.
Side note.
Purportedly written by Jeffrey Epstein weeks before his death in jail has been
kept secret
for years.
Why?
Locked up in a courthouse.
That means investigators scrutinizing his death lacked what could have been a
key piece
of evidence.
In the last hour, they're saying there's a note they found that just...
There's a brand new note.
Yeah, it just all of a sudden exists.
No one says...
They haven't shown it or said what it says.
They're just...
Everyone's not reporting.
Well, how about the fucking autopsy that says that his prostate was unremarkable,
but meanwhile,
he had his prostate removed.
Oh, boy.
There's a lot of people that don't even believe he died.
I think he's alive.
I think they just face-offed him, and he's living a good life somewhere.
You just think it changed him.
Yeah, I think that all the people that all go to that stuff, they're like, don't
worry.
If we kill you, then we're all worried about ourselves.
We're just going to relocate you.
Israel.
Israel, maybe.
That's what I heard.
From Metzger.
From Metzger.
It wouldn't be Israel.
He'd live somewhere like...
Why wouldn't he live in Israel?
That's the place where he's most protected.
It'd be like Cambodia.
No, they'll kill him in Cambodia.
You've got to live in Israel.
No, there's parents in Israel.
Of who?
People.
Yeah, but you know that's like the number one place where sex offenders go from
America
that are Jewish, that are in trouble?
They'll take anybody in.
I didn't know that.
Yeah.
They'll take anybody in.
Yeah, especially Jewish people.
They'll just take you.
Wow, Jews have had a run.
Madoff, Weinstein, Epstein.
Thank you.
Hell yeah, thank you.
The other guy.
Nice.
Hell of a run, you guys.
Cosbyberg.
Yeah, kind of proves Kanye's point a little bit.
I don't love the Kimmel shit is annoying.
Like the fighting with Kimmel over the jokes.
It's like, come on, man.
I mean, here's the thing about that joke.
Adam Krola had a really good point.
He said that joke, he said that joke on a Thursday.
On Friday, nobody gave a shit.
Who, who?
What?
Kimmel.
He said a joke about Melania.
He made his own mock White House press correspondence dinner.
Right.
And he said Melania has the glow of a woman who's recently widowed.
Okay.
Just does it.
It's an old guy joke.
Like he's going to die.
Yeah.
It could be.
Or an assassination joke, if you want to take it that way.
But he is old.
Wait, after the attempt?
No, before.
So it's on Thursday.
And this is Carolla's point.
That's a really good point.
He said, no one gave a shit on Friday.
It came out on Thursday.
No one cared on Friday.
No one cared on Saturday until Saturday night when the assassination attempt.
And then all of a sudden everyone's blaming Kimmel.
It's so funny that the right wing turned into the same fucking pussy faggots
that the left wing are.
It's the same shit.
It is the same shit.
It's human behavior patterns.
You could call them left or right.
I mean, this is why the left supports war in Ukraine.
It's like why the left supports censorship.
It's like the same patterns.
It's control.
Control and power.
You want your side to win.
Yeah, 100%.
That's where they found the note.
Where?
Nicholas Tartaglion found it.
Who's that?
Who's that?
The guy who killed him.
The fucking super jacked contract killer cellmate that he had.
You know that story?
No.
His cellmate was a fucking super jacked cop who killed drug dealers.
Yeah, dude was a gorilla.
I mean, fuck.
Show Ari a picture of the guy.
Tartaglion is this fucking huge, evil, corrupt cop.
Yeah, super guinea.
He's like a roided up guinea.
Damn.
Get the images.
I'd like to see this cat.
Look at him.
Damn.
Bro, imagine that guy's your fucking cellmate.
Jesus.
It sucks.
And he's killed four guys, four drug dealers and contract killers.
What's he in jail for?
Murder.
Oh.
Quadruple slaying.
He was in there for fucking dogs.
No.
That's a lot of dogs.
Look at the picture.
Dogs are on his buddies.
Cute dogs.
Cute little doggies.
He's a pretty good guy.
I told you he was kissing those dogs.
He's fucking murdering people.
And then they put him in the cell with Epstein.
And then he said Epstein tried to kill him 18 days before he died.
He complained.
Excuse me.
He said Tartaglioni tried to kill Epstein.
Epstein complained.
And failed?
He tried to kill him.
Yeah.
We tried to strangle him to death.
Whoa.
And they found him unconscious and unresponsive.
Cobb McGraw to break out of it.
Cobb McGraw, however you say it.
Whatever they do.
Cobb McGraw.
Cobb McGraw.
Whatever they do.
Yeah.
Cobb McGahat.
That whole Epstein thing is so crazy.
No one's going to jail for that.
It's pretty surprising that they're still not releasing it.
Here's what's crazy.
No arrests.
No one's being brought in.
Meanwhile, Comey is getting arrested for a photo of seashells that say 8647.
He's getting arrested for that?
Yeah.
He's getting charged.
What's 8647?
86 get rid of President 47.
But you could say kill.
But 86 is, if you get fired, what happened to Mike?
You got 86ed.
Right.
It doesn't mean you got killed.
But this is a crazy thing to arrest someone for.
Of course.
FBI arrested in Virginia.
Appears briefly in court.
Well, they already had it out for him.
I know.
They're just looking for any excuse.
The problem with these guys is it sets a crazy precedent.
That's the precedent.
That's already, that's the worst.
Like, that's crazy.
That's the crazy one.
FBI director.
It's like, oh, you went after me?
Well, now we're going after you for nothing.
It doesn't matter.
It's nuts.
It's nuts.
Like, you're going after someone for something that's just silly.
It's all so crooked.
Get rid of 47.
Right.
Free speech.
But it's just like arresting a guy for that is nuts.
Come on, we don't play that.
Yeah.
I mean, it's one thing, like, if you have, like, a photo of him, like, an AI,
you post an AI photo of him dead, you know, with bullet holes in him.
Like, wouldn't that be nice?
Yeah.
Yes, but also.
But even that.
Even that's okay.
Well, the Secret Service would visit you.
Not as an FBI director.
Right.
But he's a former FBI director.
So he's a private citizen at that point.
He'd already left the office.
It's crazy.
Trump can take a shot, but not a joke.
It's just retaliation for going after Trump?
Well, it is, but it's like they're just looking for any reason.
But it just doesn't seem, it seems like there should be other reasons.
Like, if the guy really was dirty, you should have something on him other than
this seashell picture.
Yeah, it's not.
He's not.
He just hates him, and he's using that.
I know, but it's such abuse of power.
This was my thing when people weren't upset about ICE people in the street with
masks on and no identification.
I'm like, this sets a crazy pressure.
Yeah, I understand you want the undocumented criminals out of the country.
I agree.
However, you're setting a precedent for militarized people with seven weeks
training to be walking around with fucking weapons of war and flak jackets with
no ID and masks on.
That's all I'm saying.
Like, this is a slippery fucking slope you're going down.
Yeah, it's no bueno.
But then also, they wouldn't have to be there like that if there wasn't these,
there wouldn't be any conflict if it wasn't organized, paid-for protests.
They paid people to protest.
They paid people because they had the fucking, all that fraud in Minnesota.
Yeah, but the response is it.
The reason why I was in Minneapolis, why the fucking, the protests were
strongest in Minneapolis and organized, because that's where all the fraud was.
That's where all the people were getting caught.
So they said, well, let's defuse this.
Mike Benz said it.
But it's not, you don't just give Rando's guns and go, all right, they overstepped,
so here, you're seven weeks training, go ahead, go nuts.
That's not the response.
Not just give Rando's guns.
They gave him a $50,000 signing bonus.
So, yeah, you get a $50,000 signing bonus.
And by the way, a lot of them, a lot of them are Mexican.
A lot of them are Mexican.
That's true.
Including the two guys that shot that dude in Minneapolis, both Mexicans.
Gotta make my nut.
Gotta make my nut.
Excuse me.
Hispanic.
Sure.
Latino.
Had Latin names.
Oh, interesting.
I was at the airport in Philly and an ICE agent was like, yo, my man, what's up?
And I was like, yo, chill, chill.
Fuck, don't ask me for a picture.
Do you see that Trump renamed it instead of ICE, now it's nice?
I saw that.
It's nice now instead of ICE.
So now you're protesting nice.
It's national.
Immigrations, Customs, Enforcement.
He's done it again.
That reminds me.
Man, our leader.
That's funny.
He's a wild boy.
Still funny.
That is funny, calling it nice.
Is your thing about to go off?
Is that why you're stopping it?
No, I just realized I left my kid in a Somali daycare.
Gotta go pick him up.
He'll be fine.
What happened to ICE while I was gone?
Did they go nuts?
No.
Yeah, they shot two people.
Well, you don't know about Alex Freddie?
You know what that's true?
They executed two citizens.
Good for you.
Boy, you've been gone, huh?
Killed two citizens?
Well, there's one lady that got killed in a car because they were trying to
tell her to
stay put.
She was protesting and fucking with them.
And then she drove when the cop tried to step in front of her car.
She's clearly turning her wheel away from him.
She's not trying to run him over.
And he just...
A cop or ICE?
ICE guy.
Yeah.
And he said fucking bitch.
An American-born citizen?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
A fat lady.
A crazy lady.
Kind of anyone, but yes.
Lesbian.
Allegedly.
Wow.
Well, the girlfriend was there.
Do you believe in them, though, for real?
Oh, yeah.
She looked like a lesbian.
You don't think?
No, they seemed legit.
Yeah.
She had a kid.
She looked like Brock Lesnar.
She's a newly lesbian lady.
Okay.
Newly lesbian?
What was the backlash on that?
It was pretty bad.
Protest.
It was pretty bad.
Yeah, pretty bad backlash.
And then this Alex Freddie guy was after that.
Did they manage that one?
The Alex Freddie guy was after that.
The Alex Freddie guy was carrying a gun.
And so he was open carrying or concealed carrying and physically pushing cops.
It was kind of crazy.
And then they tackle him.
They found out he's a gun.
This is where it gets crazy.
One of the border protections agents grabs the gun and is taking it away.
And unfortunately, the gun accidentally goes off.
The gun that he was carrying is called a SIG P320, and it's notorious for
accidental discharges.
So this is confusing because it's hard to tell because the video is a little
grainy.
But most people who are experts look at it, at least in the videos that I've
watched, say that that gun accidentally went off without the guy touching the
trigger.
So the cop has the gun.
The cop's moving away with the gun.
They say he has a gun.
Cop or the ICE people?
The cops say it's border protections.
It's not even ICE.
It's a different organization.
So the border protections guys are moving away with the gun.
The gun goes off.
And these guys think the guy has another gun.
And then they start shooting him.
And they shoot him and kill him while they have him down.
It's a rough video.
This is all my interpretation based on videos.
I might not be accurate, but I've seen the video.
It does look like the slide moves.
It does look like the sound of a gun going off corresponds with that slide
moving.
And that gun is notorious.
Like if you look up SIG P320 online, accidental discharge, you'll see tons of
videos of these guns accidentally go off.
I haven't had one of those in a long time.
I used to have them when I'm a kid.
Wet dreams?
Wet dreams.
You wake up.
Yeah.
Been there.
That's not accidental.
That's a fucking SIG.
Sorry.
I got too excited.
Bullshit.
Let's talk for 20 minutes.
Get back to it in a second.
Yeah.
So you missed all the fun.
Good for you.
But it's like the only reason why there were violent people in the streets
protesting is because it was an organized, paid for protest.
They actually physically paid people to be there and protest.
They gave them signs.
How do you get on that list to get paid for that?
You got to get on some wacky left wing newsletter.
I don't know.
Still like, yeah, you don't just put random people in charge of people.
Well, I mean, you do have to get rid of all the cartel members and all the
criminals that came across the border.
I mean, they let more than 10 million people into the country over four years.
America has a great way of like overreacting to stuff.
They're like, oh, Saddam Hussein's a problem.
Let's go in there and kill a million people.
Yeah, America does that.
Yeah.
We're like not the best people to handle stuff.
And we're like still like, we should handle it.
You know who else does that?
Who?
Israel.
Blame everything on Israel.
I'm not blaming everything.
Yeah.
They're a part of it.
It is amazing how many high profile Jewish people just, they have an opinion
about everything.
But when it gets to this, like, avoid that or come up with some random way to
justify annihilating an entire city.
Yeah.
It's just funny to me when Americans are like, hey, this other country's overstepping.
Yeah, we bombed Japan twice.
Yeah.
We were pretty brutal.
Hold on a second.
Afghanistan, Iraq.
Those fuckers had it really coming.
They were Jews.
Twice?
The second one was just going, hey, check this out, Russia.
I guess so.
But yeah, whatever.
Well, that was a long time ago.
That's true.
Everybody who did that's dead.
But based on today, oy.
Oy vey.
Oy vey.
Yeah.
It's a lot.
Like Lebanon?
Bro, what they're doing to Lebanon right now is crazy.
Well, they're looking for Hezbollah.
They've got to look under rubble.
Mm, Barney rubble.
One more time with that later there.
What else we got?
Thank you.
There we go.
It's a wild time to be alive, kids.
It's wild.
At least we're going to have drugs soon.
That's pretty nice.
Well, at least all those people that are hooked on pills are going to get off
of them.
A lot of them are, at least.
It's going to at least give them something that works.
How come we can't get free health care?
Yeah, right?
Why don't we do that?
I'm paying out the ass.
Why can't we do that?
I bet if they took all the money from fraud, it would pay for health care ten
times over.
Or Ukraine or Israel.
Oh, yeah.
Why not?
Right.
Well, that's what's annoying.
All these politicians are like, if we get this much money, we can cure this.
So let me ask you this.
You have all this money.
What are you doing?
I think 100% free health care would be an awesome thing.
But you also want doctors to be incentivized to be really good at their jobs.
For sure.
So you want like Dr. Gettleman, the guy that did your knee and did my knee?
He's a bad motherfucker.
Why can't we have universal health care and private doctors?
Yes.
We should be able to have both of those things.
Like public school and private school.
Right.
Public defenders.
You're allowed to have a public defender.
Dude, the ease at which I got treated in third world countries was like
annoying.
Yeah.
You just go in.
Yeah, you go to a pharmacy.
See somebody like, here's your pills you need.
Here's your drops you need.
Isn't it dirty needles and weird equipment over there?
No.
No.
Really?
It's Harvard trained doctors.
Come on.
There's just no upsell for universal health care system in America would cost
approximately
3.0 to 3.2 trillion annually.
Oh.
That's a lot.
Which is actually less than the current system that costs around 5.3 trillion
per year.
So we're talking about a savings of almost 50%.
Why don't we get free health care?
So a savings of $450 billion annually while providing coverage to all Americans
according
to Perplexity, our AI sponsor, which is never wrong.
The United States currently spends about 5.3 trillion in health care, $15,474
per person
as of 2024.
Even when something goes wrong and you have insurance, it's not paid for.
No.
You've got to spend $5,000 to get anesthesia and then another $5,000 to go
downstairs for
the surgery.
So what do you think is the problem?
What is causing it?
I'm not charged with it.
I would imagine the insurance company is trying to make you president.
Oh, thanks.
It's insurance companies.
You've got to have a Jew president.
I've never had a Jew.
I got my teeth checked in Ecuador and they were like, you haven't packed the gums.
I was like, all right, I was about to go home in a week.
I was like, when I go home, I'll fix it.
And they're like, are you nuts?
Do it.
People fly here to get that surgery because it's so much cheaper.
Flight, hotels, all that is much cheaper than doing it there.
And they're like, we have a surgeon.
And I was like, is he trained?
And they're like, yeah, he went to Yale Medical School.
Dude shows up, sacrifices.
Exactly.
Omish him up, pop.
Omish him up.
Well, this is why they clipped Bernie because he was trying to do this.
So they got rid of him.
That was one thing he was trying to do.
It kind of blows.
It's embarrassing.
All right, let's put it this.
How much would it cost if school, like higher education, was free?
Oh, there's too much money in that.
They won't do it.
Well, that's the same exact thing with health care.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's subsidized.
We're making too much.
That's where we're at as a country.
It's all.
And it's gone up.
It's the same reason we're doing wars.
Yeah.
Money?
Just to make money.
Of course.
The oil?
There's nothing else.
Not even just oil, but defense contracts.
They need...
They're raking it in.
I thought it was just for fun.
I mean, the war has already cost how much?
Let's find out that.
How much is the war?
Let's just say...
Globally, how much is the war?
No, let's just look at how much Iran has cost us.
There we go.
That's what I mean.
Wait, shake a guess.
Let's do bets.
Shutting down the fucking street.
How about Ukraine?
Right.
But I mean, just us spending money to bomb Iran.
Just that.
The simplest...
Just the bombs?
Lowest run without the economic impact, the oil impact.
What about the Hormuz and all that?
Because all that's expensive.
Well, that's a factor.
But let's just find out how much the raw money spent on the bombs.
25 billion.
25 billion.
Ah, that's dropping the bucket.
60 days into the war.
How much is Ukraine?
That's a lot more.
So what concerns me, not just...
Well, all of it concerns me.
One of the things that someone told me was that we've kind of depleted our
weapon supplies.
Because we don't have that many of those fucking missiles.
Yeah, everybody says that.
That was quick.
Well, we gave them all to Ukraine.
We gave them all to Israel.
And now we're fucking using them.
Zelensky's a mooch.
He just keeps wanting more.
I don't think it's...
30%.
Oh, you think it's is?
No, I think it's...
Adesanya?
It's us.
It's us.
It's the U.S.
It's money, but it's all together.
It's all a big scam, Ponzi scam.
Everybody's making money.
You should get Trump on here.
We're doing great.
Don't let anybody lie to you.
Maybe next time we schmooze them into free health care.
Maybe next time we schmooze them into a protect our parks.
Yeah.
Because of Trump being in here.
No, brother.
Let's do free health care.
Come on, dog.
It's crazy, too, because I've gotten...
There was a pill I had to get like three of when I went to Asia or something.
And it was like...
I got two here.
They cost me like 400 each.
And then the same...
It's the same drug.
In Myanmar, it's like $40.
Well, that's one thing that he has fixed.
One thing that Trump is working on is making whatever the low price is
internationally,
the price that people pay in America.
And he told...
He's fucking hilarious.
He was telling us...
I've got a friend.
I don't want to say his name.
Very successful.
He's a big guy.
He took the fat pill.
It didn't work.
But he was going on about how his friend went overseas.
He forgot his fat pill.
He went overseas and he was in Europe and he got it for like 100 bucks.
And he's like, this is like $1,300 in America.
It's crazy.
He's like, it's not right.
It's not right.
And so he made it so that whatever the low cost is in these other countries,
that's the
low cost in America.
That's what it costs here now.
Is that right?
Yes.
That's good.
Everybody's on it.
It's like, you're not going to get all good.
Any drug.
You know?
You're not going to get all good with any president either.
You know?
Right.
Sure.
You're going to get a lot of bad shit because all these people are surrounded
by demons.
They're surrounded by war hawks and demons and defense contractors and scam
artists
in the pharmaceutical industry.
There's all these fucking people that are trying to make sure that they can
make
the most amount of money possible.
Just all coke snorting demons.
Allegedly.
I was watching this documentary on the homeless here in Austin and they're
talking about how
like, I was on schizophrenia medicine and I can't afford it anymore.
And they're out there just sprinting around.
What happens if you take schizophrenia medicine and you don't have
schizophrenia?
Ooh, that's a fun night.
I think I did that.
A couple shots.
I think I took some antipsychotics and slept for four days.
Huge mistake.
It helps you.
I think it's a sleep.
It was an expired fucking antipsychotic.
He was like, you're going to take this.
Does he take it?
I don't know if he takes it.
It was expired, so I guess not.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, but expired medication, I was just reading this thing about that.
Like most expired medication is actually still usable, like up to 300% longer
than they
say it.
Yeah, it's like a little bit less effective.
It's still good.
Yeah.
Yeah, but I don't even know if it's less effective.
This thing was saying that it's 100% effective for a long period of time after
the expiration
date.
I don't know why they have an expiration date.
It's not like milk.
Right.
Yeah, the healthcare thing is really embarrassing, to be honest.
It's really embarrassing.
It's our mental institutions and some free healthcare for these fellas outside.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I don't know how to, I don't know how to, obviously no one knows how to
fix it.
And we got to do something.
A giant percentage of those people are addicted to drugs, right?
A giant percentage of fentanyl zombies, you need Ibogaine for all those people,
mental
health facilities, you need to get them on whatever medication to fix their
schizophrenia.
And it's also, it's not even like a fucking goodwill thing.
It's also like, we need to fucking clean our cars.
Selfishly.
It's for everybody.
So what are we doing?
Why, whatever.
Skid Row, Los Angeles.
What's the fucking holdup?
Skid Row in Los Angeles is 50 blocks.
50 blocks.
5-0.
The last time I looked, it said Americans pay more than two times the next
country for
healthcare, and we get the 17th best coverage.
And we're the sickest.
We're the sickest.
Yeah.
It's nuts.
We spend the most money, and we're the sickest.
Toronto, it was clean.
Yeah, you just go right to a doctor.
Right.
Even just driving around, I was like, this is crazy.
How are we getting, why is America dog shit?
I know, and our shit is locked up at the CVS.
Yeah.
They don't have that.
Everybody's stealing.
Wow, there's a lot of stealing.
It hurts me at Mark the most.
Yeah, yeah, I love to steal.
Yeah, you steal.
Why are you locking it up?
You fucking steal.
You gotta do this before you're about to steal again.
I got a problem.
A little bit?
Just to like airports and stuff.
A little shoplifting.
No, movie theaters.
You do it anywhere.
Come on, don't sell yourself short.
They're going to watch it now.
I got a sticky finger.
I'll steal food.
Just for a thrill?
A little bit of a thrill.
Can I get the Winona Ryder thing?
That's cheaper, too.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's cheaper.
The last time I saw Mark Steele, we're at a movie theater, and I got some
popcorn, and
I'm sure it's closed by now.
And then the lady turned around and got my popcorn, and then he just had beef
jerky in
the movie.
Yeah, they were selling it.
How'd you get that?
He goes, most expensive item.
I just reached for it.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
That's so weird.
They're chiseling us, too.
They upped the prices.
They upped the prices.
I mean, you get a Hudson News Clif Bar, it's eight bucks.
Not on my watch.
It's ridiculous.
Not on my watch.
Once you're on the plane, you're home free, you know?
That's true.
You're raising the cost for the rest of us.
Yeah, you are.
No, you are.
That's why I say Bunn Clif Bars.
They put that in.
They factor the theft in.
You're a successful person.
That's outrageous.
Habits die hard.
Yeah, you don't...
I steal, too.
No one's going to be sympathetic towards you.
You have money.
I'm not asking you to.
I'm just saying it's a fun ride.
I don't want it.
Does the beef jerky taste better when it's stolen?
Easily.
Everything tastes better when it's stolen.
It's so weird.
Diaz, one time at the airport, he just comes off from one of those bodegas, and
he comes
and he just shows me Tic Tacs, and I was like, what is that for?
He goes, yeah, right?
I got some.
I still got it.
And they just threw it in the garbage.
Wow.
And I was like, what are you doing?
I was trying to stay sharp.
That's a policy steal.
It rattles.
That's a hard steal.
That's a hard steal.
That's right.
Trying to stay sharp is hilarious.
I didn't want it.
I don't throw it out.
I eat it.
I don't throw it out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Joey's going in for surgery today.
Uh-oh.
Tits.
Sneak.
He's getting some.
He's getting cannons.
He's getting cannons.
Cannon reduction surgery.
He's getting top surgery.
He's getting his tits removed.
He's getting that big scar.
But him shirtless is rough.
How many times have you seen it?
Just once, and it's burned in.
I've seen it.
Joey Karate.
Oh, yeah.
Everybody's seen it.
Yeah, Joey Karate's great.
That fucking guy's such an animal.
He's a fun guy.
He threw high kicks,
and he's got his leg up to about his knee height.
It's pretty good, dude.
Is he around?
Did he move here yet?
No, but he's coming back and forth all the time.
There he is, Joey Karate.
Oh, man.
Look at that thing.
That looks like AI.
That's crazy.
Jesus Christ.
He didn't even stay up.
How's he alive?
Without context of a background, it's wild.
Wow.
Bro, that belly is crazy.
You're going to have a decent hog
if you're going to have that gut.
Oh, he's got a hell of a hog.
Is he grubbing or boozing?
What is that?
Food.
Food.
He's grubbing?
Oh, yeah.
Joey can't stop eating.
He doesn't really drink.
Always high.
He doesn't drink at all.
I go to eat with Joey.
It's a scene.
It's a fun time.
He loves it.
Oh, that poor Guy.
He goes off.
He eats.
He eats.
He fucking loves food.
But he's just-
Oh, my God.
You're a Chinese place by my place.
You've got to come.
He's the most fun human.
It sucks.
He's the most fun human that's ever existed.
Yeah.
No one's more fun.
It's a good egg.
He's barely a real person.
He's a human cartoon.
Barely real.
He's so funny.
So, he's still getting up on stage.
He's still doing sets.
Oh, he killed.
He killed.
He was here.
He did an hour.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, he's got all these great stories.
It's really, really good.
Really well done.
All right.
This is the man.
Good to have him back.
That's the thing about comedy.
We're kind of losing the wildness.
You know, when I started comedy, it was like Geraldo and all these guys are all
dead now.
Drugs.
I think it's kind of coming back now, though.
It's coming back.
I think it's coming back because TV's going away.
So, it's like it gets down to the root of what is really effective in comedy.
It's wildness is more effective.
It's more fun.
If you're sitting there drunk in a crowd and some dude's on stage going off
saying crazy shit, it's more fun.
Yeah, because you live through them.
It is more fun, but I don't know if that's actually here.
I think there's a lot of fucking guys with jobs.
Sober.
A lot of sobriety.
Got to get up early for a podcast tomorrow.
These young guys, though.
These young guys aren't like that.
A lot of these young guys coming up are doing drugs.
They're doing clips.
Oh, good.
Well, they're doing clips, but they're still wild boys.
Some people are still giving it, bringing it.
You hope so.
Well, even back then.
Late night at the cellar used to be so much fun.
I know.
When Mackey was drinking, when it was just a drinking crowd.
It was a lot of whiskey.
There's that here.
Here.
Here, for sure.
Yeah, here, for sure.
Like last night.
Yeah, last night was nice.
We did it last night.
Yeah.
Oh, what did I miss?
We just had a couple drinks.
Just some brosly and bros.
I was begging him to.
I've changed my new peer pressure method.
He's like, all right, come on, drink.
I'm like, no, I got to get up early tomorrow.
I was like, dude, you're going to call me gay and lame.
Bro, I've been gone.
I've had time to roomate on this.
You can peer.
You can peer with the best of us.
I got a new peer pressure.
Yeah.
He goes, no, I'm just saying, like, I want to drink,
and I don't want to be alone if you're a friend.
No, I was like, tomorrow's going to be tough for me.
I'd like it to be tough for somebody else.
Do me a favor.
Chug that fucking drink.
Beer one.
He always comes in.
He has no idea what your count is.
He just comes in.
He goes, you could do more.
I'm like, I could have done one or seven,
and you would have no clue.
You're just like, you've got to go more.
DeRose is up there, too.
DeRose is the worst.
He's the number one.
He's like, dude, do a shot.
It's my birthday month.
Yes.
Yes.
He's like a chick.
He's the biggest pig in comedy.
He is a pig, dude.
I hate him.
He'll pour shots in your mouth.
He doesn't care.
He'll tilt your hand.
He'll also go, like, come on, don't be a pussy.
Do a shot.
And then you do, and then 10 minutes later, he's gone, and he's at KFC.
He's so funny.
He always shits on weed people, too.
It's hilarious.
I know.
He hates weed.
It's so weird.
I like his classic drinker.
I'm with him, dude.
He's classic drinker.
I think he was just around a lot of all the New York comics got sober and then
just smoked
weed constantly.
Got bored.
Right.
And then they're like, oh, you're drinking again?
It's like, dude, you haven't had a thought in fucking seven years.
What the fuck are you talking to?
Right.
It's all munchies.
I mean, everything could be abused.
There's only a couple people in comedy that do weed, like, real good.
Like Sodor.
Sodor.
Jay.
Sure.
Where they're just the same.
Gomez.
They're just happy.
Chappelle.
Chappelle.
Chappelle.
Because, yes, most people go in on weed.
Freeze load.
They still are out and fine.
Right.
Yeah.
It's a personality thing.
Totally.
They're still active.
Yeah, mostly both.
It's also, I think, it's a biological thing because I think it affects people
very differently.
Definitely.
Can you get high when you smoke?
Yeah, Jamie gets high when you smoke.
Okay, cool.
Edibles just don't work on the kid.
That's wild.
Young Jamie shrugs him off.
That's crazy.
If you try to dose him up, he'll smile right in your face.
Jamie, I'd like you to have a brewski.
What's going on here?
It'd be nice.
We talked about this earlier, and I'd love for you to get involved today.
You talked at me.
I didn't really.
Oh, put on the beer.
Put on the beer.
All of a sudden, I'm talking.
Well, it worked.
He's drinking.
Hey!
He said something nasty, and that's fine.
I don't forgive you for that.
What did he say?
He said, you talked at me.
I'm trying to include you and let's have fun.
Jamie was a sassy bitch.
He's just being, he's just clarifying.
He's an assassin.
He talked at me.
I didn't talk at you.
How did I talk at you?
Well, you said it was a discussion.
I mean, it was one night.
We had a little discussion.
And then I said, let's go watch the Sixers-Celtics.
Let's have a couple beers.
Oh, that's a great night.
Go to a bar and watch the Celtics.
Hell yeah!
Peer pressure.
Fun times.
You can upload it with four beers or something.
You're Pierce Morgan.
Yeah, leave it till Monday.
We don't care.
When are you getting that car?
Tomorrow.
A tree fell on his car.
I know.
Isn't that crazy?
Really?
From what?
The winds here?
They're doing some fucking road work right in front of my house.
And the vibrations.
Oh, they're building sevens your drawer?
You got second towered?
Wow.
I really did.
You didn't even work on the street.
Also, the house I live in, I'm renting this house.
It's like one of those new prefab fucking or whatever those things are.
These new Austin houses, which are all the exact same, which I kind of don't
fucking like at all.
It's not a home.
Is that the same one you've been in?
Yeah.
It's like a 15-foot ceiling for no reason.
It's one floor.
El couch.
It has this type of wall that's like too standard.
It's a beautiful house.
It is very nice.
And the last house I was in was a fucking queen's apartment.
Right.
That had more soul than this place.
More soul for sure.
But when I first walked into the house I'm in now, I was like, holy fuck.
This is incredible.
It's just not a home.
Now I'm like a fucking piece of shit house.
It looks like a house from a porn.
It's an Airbnb.
It is an Airbnb.
It is weird how money changes you.
Like it changes what you're accustomed to.
You get a little accustomed to the nice things.
I was thinking about this.
Yeah, you get accustomed to the nice things, but I keep trying to change, and I'm
just not really changing.
What do you mean?
Well, as a human?
No, yeah.
The cement is dry.
You're always going to be Mechanicsburg.
Yeah, it's Mechanicsburg.
It's light beers.
It's like all of a sudden I realize I'm just getting drunk at higher places.
Right.
Like I'm just in a taller building getting drunk.
Yeah, with more expensive beer.
It's the exact same.
It's the exact same beer.
Everybody at Deep Creek.
It's the same beer, but the prices go up.
Yeah, yeah.
Everybody at Deep Creek was like poor white trash in like Maryland, and then
they like got rich.
And like when they were poor, like we could just barely afford one Bud Light,
and now they're rich.
Like 10 Bud Lights.
What is Deep Creek?
Deep Creek Lake is where pontooners go to parties.
Yeah, pontooners go to parties.
Where is that?
It's like deep, almost by West Virginia.
Oh, that's good stuff.
Man-made giant lake.
It rules.
Same with New Orleans.
We'd go out to the Boca Chitta and tube all day.
Remember tubing?
Yeah, tubing.
You'd sit on a river with a beer and a circle.
If you got a piss, you'd just jump down, walk along with it.
Yeah, you'd just pee in the water.
I think it's good that you're not changing.
It's a good sign.
It'd be nice if I could.
Nah.
Nah.
I mean, you'd change a little.
It would ruin you.
You got some good stuff going on.
It would ruin you.
Literally, if you said this to Shane yesterday, if you go, you've changed.
He'd be like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Well, it's just wrong.
Yeah, I know.
And I'd go, goddamn, I wish I could.
He'd dress the same.
But you're not going to stay in a Holiday Express.
Sure.
You've handled fame very well.
Shane, you've handled it pretty well.
You haven't gotten weird at all.
No.
Some people get weird just from the pressure of it.
It just freaks them out.
Almost everybody.
Yeah.
Almost everybody.
Yeah.
98% get, like, different.
I'm thinking of eight comics in my head right now who have gone full diva.
Yeah, they get weird.
It's very strange.
Shane, I know you have not changed.
Oh, the bottle?
You've changed, bro.
You've fucking changed.
What the fuck?
Wait, you horny-torty, motherfucker?
You work for Israel.
Now, this is the hot taste of aluminum.
Some people like the aluminum taste.
Bottle beer taste in a can.
It was a commercial I remember when I was little.
What?
Bottle beer?
It was some beer, and they go, bottle beer taste in a can.
I was like, is bottle beer better?
Way better.
I like the aluminum flavor.
Yeah.
I like, give me a glass bottle, bottle a lot.
What's this?
Bottle beer taste in a can?
Keystone.
That's what it was?
That's a shitty beer.
Bottle beer taste in a can.
What?
My memory's served?
Bad beer.
Just to crush those keystones.
This is a commercial from 1948.
That's what I remember.
Look how great it is.
I remember Israel got independence, and I was watching this commercial.
Have you guys watched the Hogan doc?
It's good.
It's great.
I fucking cried.
It's good.
Really?
It's so good.
When he's getting sued for taking down Belzer, and he's like, I was making $3,500
a month,
and I'm getting sued for $500,000.
I was famous, but not rich.
And they're like, what were we going to do?
Oh, he rules.
I didn't even know he got sued for that.
To go into MSG?
I mean, he choked the guy unconscious.
And he then dropped him.
He dropped him.
He was wearing it too far.
He could have.
I mean, Jon Jones used to do this all the time, but at least it was soft mat.
This was like hard floor.
He just threw him.
Yeah, but Jon Jones was doing it in a UFC fight against Ryoto Machida.
For someone who agreed.
He does it, and then if he just laid him down, he'd be like, point proven.
Right.
But he had to bring it.
He's on TV.
He couldn't have it after.
Drunk and on steroids and on coke.
Someone's like, yo, your shit's fake.
Is that what Belzer said, that he's fake?
It's so funny, too, because he's like, oh, you think I'm fake?
Is that fake?
You're like, no, but you don't do that.
When I'm talking, it is fake.
Do you remember when Jon Stossel confronted that wrestler backstage?
Yeah, it was great.
And the wrestler just bitch slapped him a bunch of times.
Slapped the fuck out of him.
I think that ruined that guy's career, though.
Stossel or the wrestler?
The wrestler.
Yeah.
I never heard of this.
I don't know.
I think, who was the wrestler?
Stossel's still around.
Stossel's still around, but I think it ruined the wrestler's career.
Because he beat the fuck out of him.
He looks like, I feel like in my head, he looks like Sid Vicious.
Well, he's a giant dude, and he bitch slapped him open palm to the ear, which
could definitely
make you go deaf.
But I mean, if you told BJ Penn in his prime or anybody, I think what you do is
fake, they'd
be like, it's not.
John Stossel was slapped twice by WWF wrestler Dr. D. David Schultz backstage
at Madison
Square Garden after calling pro wrestling fake during a 2020 expose.
Incident left Stossel with pain and ringing in his ears, leading to a lawsuit
against WWF.
Jewish wrestler.
You think he made money?
Oh, he just slipped right out.
Holy shit, I was like Batman.
At least he's not pissing in a kombucha jar.
He probably is.
Give it an hour.
Here it is.
So he's grabbing him.
He gets him in this sleeper hold, and he slumps, and then he just drops him.
Head hit the floor hard.
How professional is he, though, when he gets up?
This incident is from a 1985 episode of...
What the fuck?
So Belzer was talking shit, saying it was fake.
Great host, though.
He pops right up and goes to commercial.
Yeah, and he's like, all right, we'll be right back.
Yeah.
Heads bleeding and everything.
That is crazy.
Oh, wow.
Look at the blood on the back of his head.
It's spurting out on his jacket.
Look at that.
What a pro.
Yeah, that is quite professional.
He seems happy.
Look at Mr. T.
He doesn't seem upset at all.
And then he sued.
Yep.
But he's got to be a pro.
I guess so.
But also, you've got to be, you know...
I mean, his head looks like Kennedy.
$400,000 settlement.
Famously used the money to buy a home in France.
Jokely named it Shea Hogan.
That's fun.
He bought a house in France.
He lived in France for a while.
And then he was doing...
He's been a Jew.
He's had to be.
Yeah.
Got a lawsuit for that.
Litigious.
Yeah.
He didn't use to pay medical bills.
He bought a house.
Yeah.
That means that's a bonus.
In France.
It's a Jew move.
And I think he was still doing that Law and Order show and just flying back and
forth to France.
I met him once.
It's the funniest thing because I saw him in like early, early, like doing
those late night shows, you know, as a kid.
And it was like, oh, that's a comedian.
And then he's done...
A lot of comics have this trajectory.
Do nothing comedic.
Yep.
TV.
It's like comedic, coded, serious.
Well, he was a comic.
Yeah.
He did a lot of comedy.
I saw him do stand-up in Boston in the 80s.
In the 80s.
But then he became like just serious, just the funny guy in serious roles.
And not even that funny.
No.
And then drop stand-up.
Well, I think it's just money and ease.
It's so easy.
It's that velvet prison.
They start giving you money.
You start showing up.
You're going to craft service.
You're eating.
Stand-up is a blue college job.
I mean, also, his co-worker is a guy who made a song called Cop Killer.
Like, he's like, I'm rich now, too.
We're both rich.
Don't even worry about who we used to be.
Chris Maloney.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
Not Chris Maloney.
Yeah, so eventually they go, I'm just not like, I'm not 25 anymore.
I know, but I mean, it's still like, Carlin did it till he died.
Yeah, Rickles.
Carlin was a real one.
Yeah, Rickles.
Rickles did it till he died.
John Rivers.
But Carlin was like anti-establishment, never changed who he was.
That was what Belzer was beginning.
He was kind of a Carlin guy.
He was very conspiracy theory.
He wrote a book on Elvis, Bigfoot, and flying saucers, I think it was the book.
Wow.
I read it back in the day.
It's a conspiracy theory book by Belzer.
Wow.
Five different conspiracy books.
What the fuck?
UFOs, JFKs, and Elvis.
Conspiracies you don't have to be crazy to believe.
Wow.
Dead wrong.
Straight facts on the country's most controversial cover-ups.
Hit list.
An in-depth investigation into mysterious deaths of witnesses.
The JFK assassination.
Wow.
He's ahead of his time with that shit.
Yeah.
He was an interesting guy.
Jew-anon.
Very interesting guy.
Wow.
People loved him.
He was a respected comedian.
He was a crowd work guy.
Oh, yeah.
He was the host.
He was always the host.
Yeah.
He was a crowd work for us, I know, for five years.
Oh!
Wow.
Really?
Crowd warm-up.
Back in the day, he was, you know, like a comics comic.
Yeah.
But there was a bunch of those guys.
Like, Leno was the comics comic.
Totally.
Back in the day.
Oh, yeah.
When I started, they were like the second best comic.
They also had Pryor.
But, like, the second best comic.
Who was that going to be?
And a lot of people were like, who was Leno?
I'm like, what?
Isn't that nuts?
Yeah.
What?
Great comics.
Apparently, in the 70s, he was a fucking animal.
That's what I heard.
Like, you get that for a reason.
Yeah.
You don't do some open mic or who gets a Tonight Show.
Yeah, but it's that thing.
The Tonight Show was just the gold.
The golden thing.
Oh, he's got the bombs.
Not the fucking eagle.
And he's got glasses on now.
Oh, good boy.
Eagles.
Da, da, da.
The 70s was like the golden era for those kind of comics.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, you had Carlin.
He got, I think, four heart attacks from Coke.
Oh, really?
Something like that, yeah.
Maybe Pryor was four and he was three, but they were both up there.
Jesus Christ.
I didn't know Carlin had that many heart attacks.
I mean, give it a go, JMO.
I could be...
How many heart attacks did Carlin?
He had three heart attacks from cocaine.
Yeah.
We also had a pill problem for a while.
Yeah.
He had to get off pills.
This was like later in his life.
Right.
Like late in his life, he was hooked on the pills.
Oh, yeah.
Carlin.
Yeah, late in his life.
Big drug guy.
Deep into his 60s and 70s.
He was the coolest of all the old, amazing guys I met.
Definitely.
He was up there for sure.
But like, I had to go get him a sandwich.
Really?
What?
He did like a month at the store.
Shut up.
Yeah.
A month of main room shows.
Oh, yeah.
What year?
2000s?
2001, 2002.
Wow.
And I got him a Greenblatt sandwich.
I go, here you go.
He gave me 20 bucks.
I was like, oh, no, no.
Man, they covered it.
He goes, I know.
It's for you.
I was like, oh, all right.
Sorry, Mr. Carlin.
He goes, don't call me that.
Yeah.
He was cool.
George.
He was very unassuming.
He was hanging out in the back area by the parking lot.
He would also sit in the back in Mitzi's chair.
You know that one.
And if you did well, he'd stay open mic sometimes.
But only if you did well, he'd be like, good job, man.
Wow.
And then other people didn't.
And he'd be like, hi.
Yeah.
Wow.
He zinged me pretty good once.
Yeah, he was a real comic.
He did a book signing because he had all those books.
And I brought like four books to meet him at Borders on Wall Street.
And I waited in line.
And all these people are going like, I love you in Jersey Girl.
I love you in Bill and Ted's.
And I was like, ah, these people don't know comedy.
So I went up and I was like, I love this special, back in town, amazing,
whatever.
And he goes, what do you do?
I go, I'm a comic.
He goes, yeah, you got a real talent for jacking around.
That's what he said.
Jacking around.
I don't even know what that means.
What does jacking around mean?
He seemed like he hated me.
You got a real talent for jacking around.
Yeah, it seemed like he hated me.
He goes, you sound like a comic.
I go, oh, yeah.
He goes, yeah, you got a real talent for jacking around.
Jacking around.
I don't know what that means, but I'll take it.
70s lingo.
Yeah.
I mean, he was around the day when Lenny Bruce was around.
Oh, yeah.
He got arrested at his show.
Did he really?
He got arrested with Lenny Bruce?
Yeah, they were in the same cop car.
Really?
It's a big story.
That was his hero.
Carla came into shoplift.
What?
Delete that, Jamie.
No.
Jamie.
Jamie, delete that, please.
That was a dry bomb.
Jamie, delete that, please.
I didn't catch it.
We all tried to sort it out.
We didn't even know you were joking.
We all tried to sort it out.
Like, what?
Am I messing this?
What does he mean by that?
Leave it to Israel to bomb.
Oh, those guys paved the fucking road.
I'll tell you that.
Getting arrested for jokes.
Forget a heckler.
I know.
Or some blogger.
What?
Ruined...
Going to jail.
Ruined Lenny Bruce's life.
Totally.
At the end of his life, he was just reading off court transcripts on stage, and
the people
get so bummed out.
They're like, hey, tell some jokes.
Yeah, like, we're here for you to do the thing.
There's video of it.
I bought video back in the day, VHS tapes, of his recordings, and one of the
recordings
was him on stage in this small club, like, just reading off court transcripts,
and it
was just terrible.
It's like guys who get canceled, and that's all they talk about.
Right.
That's what happens.
Yeah, it does.
It becomes your thing.
It's so crazy.
You did an offhanded thing, and then now it's your everything.
You got beaten one race by a chick, and now that's your whole life by a trans
chick.
That one, she went nuts.
Wait, what?
That girl who lost who came in fifth at a fucking race by a trans chick.
Oh, well, hold on a second.
That one's kind of fair.
Yeah, that's a different thing.
No, no.
She should go, why the fuck is this allowed?
Not ten years later, when she's still made in her life.
What are you talking about?
A comic got beaten in a race?
Not a comic.
No, he's talking about the other lady.
I don't like your analogies.
I don't know.
It's a female athlete who lost to a trans athlete.
She's going, we should have laws about this.
The swimmer?
Which one?
Oh, that's Riley Gaines.
It's her whole fucking personality now.
She didn't go to school for that.
She was on a track.
One thing happened, and then she's like, completely changed.
Same as when comics get canceled.
It's like, oh, that's all BF forever.
She actually had a good point, because not only did she not lose to that person,
the Leah
guy, but tied.
And then the Leah guy got the trophy and not her.
No, no, no.
But there's more to that.
Leah Thomas.
No, they tied for fourth.
Yeah.
Fourth and fifth.
And they go, hey, we only have four trophies.
We're going to get killed if we don't give it to the trans lady.
Can we just send you one later?
Do you know how crazy that is, though?
Do you know how crazy that is?
You give it to a guy who pretended it was a girl.
I'd be mad if that was at a fucking comedy competition that no one saw.
No, they'll say, we'll send it to you next week.
Well, wait, why is the guy coming in fourth?
He should be one.
Yeah, for sure.
This guy sucks.
All of them lost.
Well, he sucked as a man.
There was a first, second, and third, and none of those people involved came in
first,
second, and third.
First, second, and third, nobody cares about.
Fourth and fifth is what they're arguing about.
Wait, I don't understand what your argument is, though.
It's like, who cares?
It's like, yeah, obviously who cares the fuck.
No, no, no, to make it your whole life after that is what you're saying about
canceled comics.
They become that thing.
I understand, but...
She was going to school for not that, and now that's her job.
Who cares what they're going to school for?
You're saying it changed your whole trajectory.
What'd you go to school for, bitch?
English, literature, breaking down analysis of life and stuff.
Are you doing well on that right now?
Yeah, pretty much.
Yeah, you're doing terrible with that.
It's like this moment right here that's failing you.
No, you say these canceled comics go and they make that their whole life.
Some of them do.
This chick is not doing that.
She tied a race for fourth and fifth, and now that's all she does for a living.
Okay, but what is an example of a canceled comic that's made it their whole
life?
I don't want to name anybody.
Right.
But we've just talked about that.
I understand what you're saying.
Sort of.
Jew is on Netflix.
Jew's on Netflix.
It's on Netflix now.
That is pretty cool that Netflix bought it after it was out on YouTube.
They didn't buy it.
They're just putting it up.
Oh, fucking Jews.
It's fine.
I don't care.
Hit the eyeballs.
It was already on YouTube.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I'm totally happy with it.
Can you keep it on YouTube as well, or do you have to take it down?
Hey, how many views did it have on YouTube?
Millions.
Eight million.
Eight million.
It should have been six.
Nice.
That would have been great.
Six million.
Shane at the Creek is like 50 now.
53.
That's insane.
Yeah, there's an Indian guy that broke the record in a week.
Wow.
Oh, is that right?
Indian comics put it up, and somebody sent it to me, and they're like,
he broke your record in a week.
Damn.
It's 55 million in a week.
Is it in Indian?
Is it in Hindu?
Yeah.
Is it the Cannons guy?
One of their 50 languages.
Yeah, he's gone insane.
That's crazy.
There's billions of them.
But how do you know, this is a thing with views these days, though.
There's companies that will jack your views up.
Yeah, but that's-
Sure, you've got to pay for that.
Yeah, but you can pay for it, but you can get millions of views that way.
You can see the difference in, like, we always do this when we talk shit about
people who do it.
Engagement?
Yeah, they're like, they're like, five million views, 30 comments.
Right, right, right, right.
And what is a view?
How much of you do you have to watch for a view to count?
I think it's just a click, a click off counts as a view.
That's a good question.
The best is when you send someone, like an agent or something, like a clip, you
know, for them to see.
And they go, we watched it, we're not happy with it, and you look at it like,
it still has zero views.
Ooh.
It's a private clip.
Yeah, you got to do it.
You definitely didn't watch it.
You liked it, we're not happy with it.
Yeah.
Or more embarrassing, when someone sends you something like I just did.
That guy sent me something and I've watched it 30 times.
Oh, over and over?
And it's just me and it.
He's going to see that all the views are just me going, oh, that's so sick.
Oh, that's so sick.
I feel bad for young comics.
Everything is about views, shares, number of followers.
How many followers do you have?
It's not even about funny.
Yeah.
It's not about funny.
I still think it is, though.
It is.
I think eventually the cream rises, but managers will literally be like, we've
got to hire this guy.
Yeah, but they don't know shit.
Well, yeah, they're clueless.
It's kind of like the industry in general.
They're like, how much money did your movie make?
And then if they don't mind getting an Oscar nomination, but that's not what
they're really in it for.
I just, with the comics today being worried about, you've got to put out clips,
you've got to do that.
It's like, sure, yeah, it's like, do it, but it's like.
Build an act.
I don't know.
Build an act.
Comedians always have excuses for why they're not successful, which is fine.
I did the exact same thing.
But they're all like, well, this guy, yeah, he's only got it because he put all
those clips out.
It's like, I don't know.
Whatever works, man.
Try to be funny and see if it works.
Yeah, who gives a fuck why someone's doing well?
Who gives a shit if a YouTuber's selling out a comedy club?
Who fucking cares?
It's about you.
What are you doing?
Exactly.
Just do your shit.
And I understand.
Oh, by the way, I fucking love that thing that you did where you did that
documentary showing all the leading up to Boulder, the new thing that you did.
Oh, you watched that?
Yeah, it was great.
Oh, wow, thanks.
The mockumentary.
Thanks.
It's great.
And it's a great insight as to the development of bits.
Oh, jeez.
I really enjoyed it.
I wish you were my dad.
Yeah.
By the way, I could be your dad.
Mark, I want you to know, he told me that behind your back earlier.
Whoa, thanks.
Me and I were just sitting out there.
He was like, you see that thing?
I was like, fuck no.
I'm not watching Mark's shit.
Yeah, it's an hour long.
It's good.
It's more than an hour long.
It's really good.
What is it, on the way to the special?
Yeah, I did a 10 sold out at the Dallas Improv, and the special taped like a
week or two later.
So I was just tweaking and fine-tuning, and I filmed all the bombs and all that
shit.
It's really great.
Cool.
It's really great because it came in a bodega, going over the bits, drinking
coffee, reading
over his lines, and then tweaking them and changing them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hour and 12 minutes.
Uh-oh.
Not the gay quote.
It's good.
It's gay.
It's really good.
So yeah, I hired a guy.
Go back to that quote.
The quote is relevant.
Struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart.
One must imagine syphis-syphisis.
That's a Salik is that.
It's a syphis.
It was.
Pushing the boulder.
It's the boulder.
We're shot in boulder.
Wait, did you do this?
I didn't do that part.
Who did this?
Albert Camus.
The director.
Matt Salikus.
You should beat his ass.
It is a little pretentious for what this is.
A little bit.
Now we come back to life.
That's what I should have started with.
Sheet's underwear.
Come back to earth.
Yeah.
Oh, God, Mark.
Why do you have a nice ass, you fucking homo?
I'm on the top.
I'm clavicular.
Why do you have nice legs?
You're close to me.
He micro fractures his butt cheeks.
I was deadly hungover there.
That's hilarious.
Just shitting it out.
But it's really great for comics to see, especially young guys coming up, what
the process is like.
To see a guy like you who's been in the game a long time is really good.
Yeah.
See a bunch of specials already.
See you bombing and tweaking and showing everybody the bits not working well
and then working really well.
Oh, thanks.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, there is this idea that everything is magic.
No, it's just work.
When you show them their struggle, they're like, oh, okay.
Just trial and error.
How many times have you seen Louie bomb and you're like, well, this guy's the
best ever.
Why is he bombing?
Yeah.
Chris Rock used to come to the store and the crowd would go nuts and he would
say, relax, it's not going to be that funny.
Right, right.
Lower your expectations.
He would tell them that because he was just running material and trying to find
every possible angle and get laughs occasionally and sometimes not.
And then tweak it afterwards.
Yep.
Yep.
That's part of it.
That's why Eddie Murphy can't come back because I don't think he's willing to
bomb for six months.
It's not even six months.
It's years.
We've had this discussion on this podcast.
Play R. Kelly.
It's also, it's the Velvet Prison, the movies, the fucking craft service,
getting picked up in a limo.
It's like the grind of writing your own material, putting it all together,
everything riding on your back.
Like that is a warrior's game and some people don't want to do that anymore.
It's also like you got to do a Tuesday at the stand where there's 19 people.
I also understand older comics back in the day not wanting to do it because
movies were so much more lucrative.
Oh, yeah.
And stand-up is not.
Stand-up is 10 times more lucrative.
It is now.
And it's like, dude, do stand-up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like just do stand-up.
I mean.
But stand-up is a lot of work.
I remember there was a couple people back then going, I would take a pay cut if
I did a sitcom and it was like a couple people.
And now it's like kind of everybody.
Yeah.
You'd have to make Seinfeld money like season seven and beyond to go, I'll take
off the road for this.
But now there is no Seinfeld money.
It doesn't exist.
I know.
Miss Pat is the only person with a sitcom right now.
What about this guy?
VT?
Oh, that's right.
But you have Tires is different though because it's a single camera.
Yeah.
Like Tires is like a show.
It's not a sitcom.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a show.
It's a great, funny show.
Thanks.
But it's like there's a difference between the thing that everybody wanted was
the live audience, four camera.
You do it on NBC, CBS.
You get residuals.
That was like the golden carrot that they hung over your head.
Totally.
Because stand-up couldn't pay.
Right.
Like that.
No, nobody did anything but clubs back then.
It was like Dice Clay.
We're at Spade's house.
And then afterwards it was Dane Cook.
We saw a billboard, a poster.
His thing's like a museum.
And a poster for Evening of the Improv with him and Chris Rock.
Who's that?
David Spade.
Oh, wow.
And I was there with Nate.
And he goes, you did like club for this?
And he goes, bro, we only did clubs.
None of us ever did theaters back then.
If we were really good, you'd do six days at a club.
Carlin did theaters.
Yeah.
Legends did theaters.
Dice did MSG once.
Yeah, Steve Martin a couple times.
Oh, Dice did MSG many times.
He did Nassau Coliseum.
Dice did.
Dice was doing enormous places when no one was doing it.
Dice was the original stadium act.
But then it was no one until Dane.
Right.
Between Dice and Dane, there was nobody.
And now it's a lot of guys.
And now people are playing at Des Moines.
They're playing arenas.
Yeah.
It's not that many guys.
I mean, it's probably at least 20.
Comparing.
Arenas?
Bargatze.
Kevin Hart.
Sebastian.
Tom.
Regularly.
Hinchcliffe.
Louie.
Well, hold on, fellas.
That's not diminishing.
No, no.
You, Sebastian, Gabriel.
He's 20?
Gabriel.
Gabriel's doing giant places.
Joe Coy, giant places.
Joe Coy.
Kevin Hart.
Matt Reif.
Matt Reif.
Giant places.
Matt Reif.
Segura.
Segura's doing arenas.
I met a guy.
I met an Indian kid outside New York Comedy Club.
Indian kids will do something.
And I was like, oh, what are you doing in town?
He goes, doing comedy.
He's like, oh, that's cool, man.
What are you playing?
And he goes, MSG.
That doesn't count.
I was like, what?
Indians don't count.
Indians count as much as Christian movies counts in the box office.
Yeah.
You'd be top 10 every time.
They're horrible.
That's hilarious.
Yeah, that's probably 10, 12.
You know.
10 to 20.
That's four arenas?
You see it on it.
Or do an arena every once in a while.
Reif.
Matt Reif.
Reif's doing a lot.
Yeah.
It's a matter of whether you want to do arenas all the time.
The point is, way more than no one between Dane and Dice.
Right.
For sure.
Yeah.
For sure.
Because comedy's so big now.
Yeah.
And there's a ton of guys doing 1,500 seaters.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A lot of them.
Oh, Schultz, I think, does arenas.
I don't know if he's regularly doing that.
Oh, he does regular arenas.
Yeah.
He does arenas regularly.
Whenever he wants.
Whenever he wants.
Burt.
Tom.
Yeah.
Tom.
Yeah.
There you go.
Tony.
There's a lot of people doing arenas now.
Mostly guys from my storytelling show.
Oh.
Which is also online.
Behind a paywall.
Behind a paywall.
The end.
The end.
These three guys are on it.
Arena comic.
Nice.
Theater comic.
Club.
Almost sells out Saturdays.
You sell out.
In Denver.
In Denver.
Well, it's just because you're likable.
Yeah.
Tony.
Nate.
We had a bunch.
You.
Tony.
Nate.
Tom.
Four arena comics.
That's wild.
The three private jets were at that show.
That's insane.
And we got paid 500 bucks.
I got a story.
You can cut this out.
You can cut this out if you want.
Cut back in.
And we're back.
We're back.
You should be mad.
I'd be furious.
It stunk, bro.
I wouldn't want to do that.
It stunk.
With that last jet.
We need a transition.
We need a transition.
Let's go back.
The 9-11.
Yeah.
What?
What does that sound?
Go, baby.
Go.
Oh, look at the gay Ayatollah.
Freedom's the only way.
Straits of hormones.
Iran needs to understand.
Freedom's the only way.
Woo.
Fuck the regime.
We're coming back, brother.
Yeah.
We're bombing everybody, brother.
Free health care.
We need to bomb everybody.
Fuck health care.
I don't miss people.
Dude, I'll tell you, I met so many people who shit on America while I was
traveling.
It made me more nationalistic.
I couldn't agree more.
Dude, if I go to another country and somebody's like, ah, you guys are blah,
blah, blah.
I go, dude, you guys are doing nothing.
Me and you are like, we need health care.
We're doing, we're fucking up.
And somebody's like, why don't you guys have health care?
I'm like, why don't you shut your mouth?
Yeah.
Because we have stealth bombers, bitch.
Yeah.
All the Australians, like, you treat your minorities bad.
I'm like, you wiped yours out.
Yes, we have football.
Blow me.
Yeah.
Yeah, we have college football, bro.
We have college football.
We got movies.
Solid points by everybody.
Once you go to another country, that's when you go.
Yeah.
Why don't you guys shut up?
Who's number two with stand-up comedy?
What country's number two?
England.
England.
Oh, sure.
Well, Ricky Gervais, Jimmy Carr, those are two greats.
Carr is great.
Carr is an international great.
Carr is the best.
Stuart Lee.
Carr is so good.
Carr's great.
He was so good.
He performed at the Mothership.
He's running all his new jokes.
I was like, this guy is a motherfucker, dude.
Great writer.
He's just dominant and so calm.
So smart, man.
Yeah.
He's such a smart dude.
Tight jokes.
Do you hear any of those brewskis?
I'd like to get involved with this.
What are you looking for this time?
America.
Glass or can?
I would never waste a glass on a bong.
Shane, you haven't changed at all.
I wish I could, brother.
It's time to change.
You don't want to change.
I haven't changed.
You have not.
I don't think I have.
You can't go out as much.
You did change very little.
Yeah, I get a little weird.
You changed, yeah.
You changed in unimportant ways.
You're more into hunting.
Well.
But it's not like it's different.
But that to me is like my way of staying sane.
No, you just got a new hobby.
That's not changed.
I do a bunch of things like pool, archery, martial arts.
Those things just keep me sane.
I have to do some things that keep me from going off the rails.
Yeah.
And staying off of Twitter.
Didn't you have a thing where your manager or business manager, one of them was
like, hey,
Joe, when you just started headlining, correct me, I'm wrong.
We're like, we got to have a talk with you.
And you're like, what's the matter?
And they're like, buddy, we don't want to get this out of hand.
We know you have a gambling addiction and we want to get you help.
And you're like, what do you mean?
Like you're blowing through money in a way.
And he goes, no, I just love lobster and steak.
Oh, I was eating steak and lobster every night.
Wow.
That's my first development deal.
My manager thought that I had a gambling problem because I was spending so much
money.
I'm like, bro, I'm eating steak and lobster every night.
And he's like, you're not worried at all.
You're going to run out of money.
I'll go, I'll make more money.
We'll figure it out.
I'm like, once we get in the gate, like I am one of those people that like, if
I figured
out how to get in the gate, I'm going.
I'm going to keep my foot on the gas.
I'll be fine.
Joe, you brought so many openers with you that we made more money than you.
We did the math once.
We're like, he's barely making more than us.
But it was about fun.
It was so fun.
It has to be about fun.
Because I did gigs with like local guys and some of them were great.
Like that's how I got to meet Segura.
Yeah.
I mean, I met a bunch of guys who became my friends that were like local guys,
but it was
like one out of 10.
And that means nine times I'm in a town, bored, watching TV, fucking not
enjoying myself.
And then being, sometimes they're mean.
Sometimes they step on your material.
On purpose.
On purpose.
Yeah, and sometimes they'll be like, don't do the negging thing a woman will do
where she's
like, they'll like shit on you on purpose.
She's like, I don't know you that well.
I'm trying to be nice to you.
I hate that.
Well, there's a lot of weirdness because you're the headliner and they're
jealous and they
think they should be the headliner.
I'm better than you.
Yeah.
You're going to go do local material and you're like, all right.
Okay, buddy.
Fucking asshole.
There's a lot of that.
Hey, you should do this.
Hey, let's switch tomorrow.
Yeah.
You can go on last for 15.
But the gigs were always a party.
We had fun everywhere we went.
We had fun.
Fun is key.
Like, I'll do Skank Fest and you make what?
$17?
Yeah.
But, you know, I have friends like, ah, you make no money.
I'm like, it's fun.
It's a great weekend.
I know who that friend is.
I'm just saying this to guys in the-
Wait, which friend?
One of Tony's agents was trying to pitch this fucking horrible idea.
Not even Tony's agent.
Someone was trying to pitch this horrible idea where Tony would take a
percentage of everybody's
podcast that was on Kill Tony.
He was like, no fucking way.
And I was like, that money, if you got it from them, it wouldn't change the way
you feel.
You would feel the same.
You wouldn't say, I feel so much better now that I have X more dollars in the
bank.
But you would feel like a piece of shit because you were fucking people over.
You would pay all that money back plus to not feel that way.
To not feel bad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You would give it all back.
You would do not be a piece of shit.
It's like-
There's nothing better than helping your buddies.
Nothing better.
It's kind of the only nice thing.
Yeah.
Shane pays people on the road out of spite.
What do you mean?
Like, Lev was talking dumb shit.
He was so fucking couldn't get out of his own fat way.
And he goes, no, clubs are better than arenas.
You're crazy.
And Shane's like, you've never done an arena.
He goes, dude, you know how Lev is.
Yeah, of course.
All Jews.
He's like, I know what I'm talking about.
And then Shane, out of spite, he goes, I'm going to give you a lot of cash to
come over
for me on the road.
And Lev's like, arenas are better and I paid my rent for the year.
Ah!
Yeah, those shows.
Your crowds are great.
Those shows are so fun.
You do 15 to 20 and just play the hits.
It's a great time.
Fun is fun.
Fun is fun everywhere you go.
You know, I play Xbox with a bunch of guys from the NHL.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Dude, it's crazy.
You don't know women.
I don't think I've had a woman in my green room.
It's just 15 dudes.
We're trying to have a good time here.
We're playing Xbox.
You can see the guy who owns the arena is so disappointed, too.
They come in thinking it's going to be cool because stand-up is cool now.
And they come in and it's me, Soder, and Shane playing some fucking video game.
It just smells like body odor.
And they're just like, ugh.
And the chicken nuggets and the Ryder.
Some of my Ryder's chicken tenders and a case of beer.
And it sucks.
Second worst pizza in town and bring it.
Yeah.
But that video game you play brings everybody in.
It's a great icebreaker.
Yeah.
It's the hangout afterwards.
I had so many memories of us like some town and just going to anybody in the
street.
Like, is there a place to eat around here?
Like, wow, there's a Fogo de Chava.
I was like, what?
Yeah.
Well, all you need is us.
Like, in a green room sometimes, I'm like, I don't even want to go to the bar.
This is the best.
It's the hang.
The hang's everything.
Yeah.
At the mothership, whenever it was like, we're going under Mitzi's.
I'm like, yeah, this is a great hang right here.
This is great.
We got liquor.
We got the elites.
Yeah, but Mitzi's, once it clears out, it's perfect.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Well, once the regular people are out.
Yeah.
Yeah, once the crowd leaves.
Well, that's the cool thing about Mitzi's.
It becomes a private club after 11.
Yeah.
That's nice.
Always lose my voice in there, though.
Same.
Well, Tony's chain-smoking like a fucking old lady.
He's chain-smoking, everybody's drinking, there's great music playing.
He's like, oh, hell yeah.
Tony needs a cigarette extender.
You need less than a man.
Virginia Slims.
His ability to write roast jokes is extraordinary.
Yeah.
It's very weird.
I gave him an angle yesterday on the-
Can we say?
What?
Is he on the-
He's doing a roast.
Oh, yeah.
I think-
Yeah.
I just gave him an angle.
I was like, what about this?
He goes, ooh.
I'm like, something like this?
He goes, yeah, but wittier than that.
Yes.
And I'm like, yeah, I don't know how to write a joke.
Well, as soon as you got off, I was like, they're there.
I'm like, yeah.
Now you do your thing with it.
I was like, those jokes are there.
He thinks in that kind of joke, roast joke form.
That's how, he's so fat, he-
Like, that's how his mind works.
It's really fun to watch.
It's like, that muscle's a different muscle.
It's a different muscle.
Both your guys was good yesterday.
It was funny watching them do a-
Gonna be a massive thing ahead of time for a crowd.
The crowd's like, this is so cool.
Yeah, well, it's cool because they get to see it worked out,
and they're going to get to see it live.
And you get to see people go, the jokes are good.
I'm very happy with the jokes.
And you're going out cold, right?
You got to open it.
Yeah.
That's tough.
I'm worried about, I don't think I'm a good host,
as far as the, hey, everybody, we're on live on Netflix.
I don't think I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to go, all right, fuck that.
Just be-
This is my joke.
This is my joke.
It don't matter.
Once you start talking, it's all good.
Dude, there's a video I saw of Waylon Jennings Jr.
I think it was him, and they're doing a roast, like a barbecue.
And they're like, we're here, waiting for him to show up,
but he's been barbecuing into this thing for the last 14 hours.
And then they come in, some ladies interview him,
and he's like, so we're ready for your roast.
He goes, oh, that's not mine.
He was like, no.
And she was like, what do you mean?
He goes, no, that's the TV thing.
Oh, that's fun.
I was like, what?
He goes, no, mine would be underground,
and we'd have moonshine.
And she goes, for the bass thing?
No, for fun, while we're waiting for the meat to come out.
Yeah.
He just ruined the TV version of it.
He was like, no, that's a lie.
Yeah, I got kicked off of Last Comic Standing for that,
because they put you in a room, and they're like,
they want you to have drama.
They're like, what do you think?
Who are you going to beat?
And I'm like, I'm probably going to lose.
And they're like, no, no, no, you've got to talk shit.
And I'm like, oh, they don't want me on here.
I'm going to bomb.
And they're like, what are you doing?
You're ruining the show.
They want you to be like, fuck that guy.
I'm going to take him down.
Just say, hey, guys, we know what this is.
I don't know how you would do it.
That's a tough part.
I'll do it.
That's a hard part.
I'll do it.
There's just a couple jokes that I'm like,
I know they're funny, but it's like, man,
that's going to be tough to tell publicly.
They're dark.
You had a couple jokes in there that were like,
you can hear the reaction of laughter or like, oh.
Yeah, and that's a fucking mothership crowd.
Yeah, that's exactly true.
That's a bunch of people that are like,
I paid good money to see somebody be racist tonight.
And they're like, bro, calm down.
It's hilarious.
The black jokes go hard.
The black jokes go hard.
They do.
But hey, you know, it's a rose.
This is what we want to see.
I know, but I got to go fucking first.
That's true.
Yeah, the emceeing stuff,
because you haven't emceed in forever.
But is Kevin Hart going to be there?
It's definitely not like emceeing.
I've never done anything.
Of course he's going to be there.
But like when he's out, if he's out first.
100%, he has to be there.
If he's laughing, you're golden.
He'll laugh.
Oh, he'll laugh at everything.
Yeah, so the black jokes with the black guy laughing,
you're good to go.
Yeah, I'm not.
It's more the.
Internet.
How you guys doing?
The crowd.
Oh.
Because it's in LA.
Because I am going to be.
It's going to be live,
and I'm going to say some pretty offensive things.
And then I'm going to have to stay in the pocket of being like,
I know the people at home like this.
Yes.
But now an entire room of famous people don't like me.
Dude, dude.
They're going to kill.
On paper, it sounds easy.
I get it.
I get it.
Bro, I know people in the WNBA,
like people that work in management and the players.
And I was going to war over your ESPYs thing.
Yeah.
What were they saying?
They were not happy with it at all.
What?
That's a great fit.
Not happy with it.
They seem like a grumpy bunch anyway.
Not happy with it.
They go, you've got to know who you're playing for.
And I was like, right, to me at home watching.
Yeah.
And they go, that's not worth the audience.
I'm like, no, you're in the room.
We're all at home laughing.
And we thought it was hilarious.
They're like, she didn't even know this lady's name.
And I was like, well, that's his point.
Neither did they.
But the ESPYs was a good training ground for this.
ESPYs was great.
I was nervous and awkward on that.
No, but it got 10 million views or whatever.
It was great.
It's for the internet.
What night is the roast?
Sunday.
Oh, fuck.
I'm going.
Where you at?
The first one.
I'm getting there Tuesday.
Why don't you go there early?
I get there Sunday and then...
It's the 10th.
It's the next Sunday.
Oh, okay, okay.
Are you going to stay?
I think I have a gig.
Me and Louis got matching Legion of Skanks outfits.
Oh, you're on the team now.
For the red carpet.
How's that going?
You're a member of the Legion of Skanks now.
Oh, with Jay.
Does this stop you from moving to UK?
Unfortunately, it does.
Good.
Yes, thank God.
Fuck those line days.
I'm not even unfortunately.
This is a massive opportunity for me creatively.
This is like a dream.
You've been going long enough.
Thank God for the fucking Mossad plant that got out of there.
The Mossad couple.
So I was like, ooh.
Yeah, maybe I'll stab.
Yeah, it'll be fun.
Yeah, you have to.
Fuck going to England.
They're going to stab you anyway.
You left enough.
That's true.
They'll stab me and steal your phone.
They do get stabby.
They do get stabby over shooting.
Super stabby.
Getting stabbed would fucking blow dick.
Suck.
You're right there with the guy, too.
At least a gunshot.
Gunshot could be like, where did he even come from?
Some distance.
Yeah.
He's like, I know.
It's you.
It's you.
I hate you.
Right.
Oof.
Yeah.
England.
Yeah, anyway.
You're better off.
Yeah, you're better off.
I think it's good.
It's divine.
Well, nothing's better off than skanks.
Yeah.
There you go.
What was it?
15 years running?
Yeah.
It's just perfect for you, Ari.
It's my show.
England's not perfect for you.
Vice president?
Although, it's weird seeing you tie it down to something.
Yeah, it is.
I've never seen you commit.
What do you got to do once a week?
When Shane and I ran for president and vice president, we'll get into another
episode,
but the logline was, until one of us betrays the other, until one of us double
crosses the
other one.
We didn't.
We didn't.
Only because you found out Louis was going to fuck with me, and you double
crossed him.
Yes.
Dude, that was nice.
Of course.
I would never do.
I'm not going to let my president go down like that.
I'm J.D. Vance, bro.
I'm Vance.
When we narrated something that happened in COVID, Shane, we're like, we're
making a...
You guys were making the biggest mistake comedically.
I was so mad.
There was a video going around of all these stars singing some, like, Beatles
song.
Oh, yeah.
Imagine there's no heaven.
So Louis' idea was like, let's do something, making fun of it.
We'll all sing a song.
It was, let's all sing Down with the Sickness, and we'll make a video.
And I was like, oh, I'll edit it.
So we just got to sing a verse.
But I need every single one of you to sing the full song.
And I can choose...
And then I'll pick.
And then I just have a full video of every single one of these dumbasses
singing that song.
And I was like, first off, the idea was not funny.
That is gay.
I will not be a part of that.
I was doing it as a favor to Louis.
I was like, if you think this is good.
And then Shane called me and goes, how bad will your retaliation be if I
release your video?
I was like, dude, I didn't put anyone's videos out.
I was like, bro, as a comedian, you should do it.
I will scorch the earth to get back here.
Send Aries to Jamie right now.
No, dude, do you have it categorized?
Do you have it in a folder?
And I kept trying to like, it was hard to make sure they did it seriously.
So I was like, no, don't fuck around.
It would be funnier if you guys were like really singing the best you can.
You fucked around in yours.
I did?
Oh, thank God.
But I mean, it's still a horrific and embarrassing video.
That whole thing was so weird.
Imagine there's no heaven while granny just died of COVID.
Also, it's like, this is like, it's a war song.
Yeah.
It's a war and religion song.
What are we doing?
That was a very strange time where people just got into smelling their own farts.
Yeah.
Well, the COVID hit and actors had no juice anymore.
They were like, oh, we got to stand out.
Please don't.
Oh, my God.
This is the real one.
The one that imagined video.
I can't watch this.
Throwing it up for you guys to see.
Actors really made themselves worthless doing all this.
Yeah, I mean, I can't.
Okay, we can't sing it.
The Beatles are probably...
You get Sarah Silverman being all serious.
She's like, what stars are in this?
I'll do it.
Oh, she was being joking.
I don't know who that is.
Who is that?
Timothy Chalamet.
What's wrong with his teeth?
Oh, Fallon.
Oh, Fallon.
Hey, Portman.
He's an opener now.
You can kind of hear it.
Oh, man.
This is worse than being on Epstein's Island.
Get an iPhone clamp.
God, actors.
Yeah.
They're so fucking weird.
Well, they're not as important as they used to be.
So they're like, oh, this will be relevant.
They're about to be irrelevant.
COVID, they were like, I'm not getting attention.
Let's just do it ourselves.
And you're like, you guys can't do this.
The worst was the black and white one when they're like, I am ashamed of my whiteness.
Yeah.
Wow.
That wasn't even a song.
That was just them talking.
The black and white-ness?
Yeah, doing the BLM thing.
Yeah.
Doing the BLM, Brian.
There's so many good ones.
You do?
There's so good.
DeRosa.
I got DeRosa going, wah.
Send that to Jamie right now.
Send that to Jamie right now.
DeRosa will get sincere.
DeRosa gets sincere, especially when he's drunk.
Dude, you're such a good friend.
I'm like, shut up, kid.
You're adopted.
Shut up.
Shut up.
I would never be friends with an adopted guy.
You Egyptian weirdo.
Everybody was like trying to be silly, but the bit sucked so bad.
So bad.
I was so happy when you guys would do that.
I was at Stanhope's when this was going on.
Oh my God.
I didn't even get the bit.
I was just drunk at Stanhope's like, you guys suck.
You killed us.
Me and Stanhope were hammered.
You killed us.
I was like, look at how much these dudes suck.
That shit blew, dude.
I can't believe you guys did that.
How much you got left in there?
It's such a weird thing where people decide to do things to make themselves
look like they care.
Look like they care.
Yeah.
That's the thing about Hollywood.
They want to look like they care.
And it's so fucking transparent.
That's always a bummer you get that text like, hey, can you make a video for
this?
I'm like, ah, it's going to ruin my whole day because you have to think about
it and spend time on it.
Yeah.
It's a nightmare.
Change your number.
Yeah, like, can you help me with this?
You get one or two of those, change your number.
There we go.
Joe Joe Rabbit.
Music, please.
Music, please.
Oh, it's going to be cold.
Woo, he's back, baby.
Ibogaine.
The Ibogaine.
Ibogaine.
The BMA.
Mushrooms.
Yeah, congrats on the Ibogaine, bro.
That's sick.
Dude, that is such a win.
That is such a gigantic win.
Especially for degenerates.
They're going to reschedule the psychedelics and have them available to people.
Woo.
What's interesting is that all this was done during the Nixon administration to
squash the
civil rights movement.
What?
The civil rights movement and the anti-war movement.
Black people don't even like mushrooms.
And that was also one of the things that I got to say.
They do now.
It was one of the things that I got to say during the whole Trump thing.
You said black people don't like mushrooms?
I said, no, I didn't say that.
Okay.
Black people don't like mushrooms.
I said they love certain foods, but you can't bring them up.
I said these things weren't made illegal.
It was like, because it was all live.
They couldn't stop me from saying it.
And Trump just let me talk.
So I said, these aren't illegal because they're harmful.
They're illegal because of the sweeping Controlled Substances Act of the 1970s
and the Richard
Nixon administration to target the civil rights movement and the anti-war
movement.
That's why they made them illegal.
They're not illegal because they're harmful.
And the idea that they were Schedule 1 for all these years when so many people
are using
them to quit smoking, to quit drinking, to quit drugs, to get their life
together, to relax
before they're dying.
So many people that are filled with anxiety because they're dying of cancer,
they take mushrooms
and they're like, I think I'm going to be okay.
Can you get fucked up on ibogaine?
No, it's not recreational at all.
Oh, it's bad.
It's a bad experience.
What?
Yeah, it's not like a fun time.
But it's neuro-regenerative.
It helps people.
Like Rick Perry, the governor, he had some sort of natural atrophy of his brain
that happens
when you get older.
Within six weeks or so after doing it, 25% of the atrophy was gone.
Six months later, 100% of it was gone.
What?
Yes.
It's nuts.
It's very positive, but a bad feeling when you're doing it.
Who is this?
Interesting.
Rick Perry.
Rick Perry, the former governor of Texas, Republican governor, who is a staunch
anti-drug guy his
whole life.
And then he talked to all these veterans that were using it to get off of
whatever opiates
that they were on.
He was like, let me try it?
Yeah.
In secret?
Let me try it in secret?
I don't know if it was, let me try it in secret, because he was open about
talking
about it.
Oh, wow.
And he did it.
And he said it changed his life, too.
And he says, this is my life now.
I'm dedicated to trying to make this stuff legal.
So it's kind of like Ozempic.
It makes you stop doing stuff.
Well, Ozempic is weird because it does make you stop doing addictive things,
too.
It does.
But it cuts down your sex drive, too.
It cuts down love.
Like, you don't get excited about stuff.
Whoa.
Yeah.
People are saying it keeps you from being passionate about things.
That's heavy.
It cuts down love.
It's just weird when you see.
We were talking about that lady.
Oh, my God.
Some of these hot actresses that are doing it, and they don't need to do it.
Just be fat.
Stop drinking.
Be fat and horny.
Just be fat and horny.
Be fat and horny.
Yeah.
That's a good radio team.
Fat and horny in the morning.
It's also, girls don't realize a little bit of fat on them is hot.
Yeah.
A little jiggle.
When girls are, like, 10 pounds overweight, it's, like, would they think they're
overweight?
Yeah.
Especially if they're confident with it.
Oh.
It just gives them curves.
Rachel Ray.
When they lose all that weight and get that Ozempic face, it's like, what are
you doing?
Pull up Olivia Wilde.
Do you see her?
She looks like a ring-tailed lemur.
That's what we were just talking about before you got here.
Oh, man.
Pull up her and a lemur.
It's dead.
The eyes.
It's dead on.
Who's Olivia Wilde?
She's a really beautiful actress.
She used to be hot.
Gorgeous.
She used to be fat.
No, she was never fat.
She wasn't fat at all, man.
Look how hot.
Look how hot.
Gorgeous.
But now, look at the most recent video of her.
Yeah, look at that.
Oh.
Now, pull up a ring-tailed lemur if you can find one.
I know exactly what a lemur looks like, bro.
It's a cute little nugget.
Look at that.
Same eyes.
Same eyes.
Oh, my God.
Wait, what happened to her?
Did she just hit the wall?
I don't know.
There's no way she just hit the wall.
She's still fairly young.
How old is she?
And she was really hot.
She was on a...
Some 42.
She's still hot, dude.
She was in house in 2007.
She's older.
She's 20 years older than she was in house.
Yeah, but dude, recently she looked really hot.
Also, she's gorgeous.
Wall.
Gorgeous.
No, I don't think it's the wall, dude.
Her real name's Cockburn.
That's fun.
Okay, but does anybody know if she's taking that stuff?
No, I don't think so.
That's not even Ozympic.
Look at the eyes.
That's a different thing.
Look at the giant eyeballs.
She might feel bad doing this.
She might feel bad doing this.
Yeah, I don't want to smirch the lady.
She's still a beautiful lady.
Let's not blame Ozympic.
It's still a fucking clavicle.
But I think a little bit of it is just like women have this thing where they
think they're
supposed to be skinny.
Yeah.
Oh, 42.
Well, they are.
Yeah, but dude, 42.
Look at fucking, what's her name?
Jennifer Lopez.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look at Outliers.
She's hot as fuck.
I mean, that's a Puerto Rican.
Yeah, look at LeBron, but everybody else goes out at 38.
Could you hand me one of those brewskis?
Absolutely, buddy.
What are you looking for?
A bottle.
Hey, bottle rocking.
It's just sad that so many of these women think that they have to be wasted.
Especially in Hollywood.
Like, look at her.
Look at that gorgeous lady.
I think it's just a bad picture, bad night or something.
Yeah, it could be a bad night.
That's this January?
I thought that was a great picture.
She's still beautiful.
And she doesn't even look remotely overweight.
Dude, Seth Rogen looks like a troll next to her.
That's from two weeks ago.
Two weeks?
Wow.
Oh, no, that's just a bad picture.
She's fine.
It might have been just bad video.
Let's leave her alone.
Let's leave her alone.
She's a lady.
Lady, I was wrong.
You didn't hit the wall at all.
She's still hot as shit.
You know what I like is the big fat guys that need the Ozempic.
Need it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like that.
My friend, he's on the fat pill.
And some of them defeat it.
Yeah, I know a guy.
We know a guy.
Foley.
Foley, I didn't want to say his name.
Foley plowed right through Ozempic.
He beat Ozempic.
How did he do that?
He keeps eating.
He has habits.
Dude, when we were doing the 999, we were three hot dogs in.
We had nine hot dogs, nine beers, and nine innings.
And, by the way, pitch clock.
So it's way harder than when it was invented.
Although, we did get there early.
We got there.
O'Connor had seven hot dogs before the National Anthem.
That's unbelievable.
O'Connor's like, what's your strategy?
He's like, I'm going to just chug these hot dogs.
Chug hot dogs.
Passed out until the 6th.
He passed out.
We had to wake him up in the night to be like, dude, you're too away.
You got to get it.
He got it.
He was like.
I'm a champion.
It's the bread.
The salt gets you.
That was disgusting.
Yeah, but H Foley, three hot dogs in.
You look over.
He's eating a cheesesteak.
He's getting other grub.
He's eating other food.
What are you doing?
And he goes, I'm on Ozempic.
I already don't think I'll win.
Bro, I don't care how full I am.
If you put a cheesesteak inside of me, I'm eating that shit.
It's like pussy.
There's a new place in Austin.
There's a food truck that Tony turned me out to that has cheesesteaks.
They are fucking fun.
I just had one on Monday.
What is that place, Jamie?
Do you know the place?
Do you know what it is, Jamie?
Don't say it.
We'll never get in again.
What's that?
No, not at all.
I'll ask Tony.
I think I saw it on Seamless.
I almost got it.
They're so legit.
Is it on 6th Street?
Because the food sucks over there.
The food sucks on 6th.
You got to go off.
It's a weird spot because it used to be the Dirty 6th.
It was all just like drunk people food.
It's still.
They didn't have to be good.
It's still.
It's getting worse, dude.
You got Black Rabbit, that's it.
But there's a Fogo de Chow a block away.
I think it might be R&B.
There's a Fogo de Chow a block away from the club.
Where?
It's down the street.
Yeah, it's on R&B.
It's on like 2nd or 3rd.
I've never seen it.
What is it?
Fogo?
Fogo?
It's on Congress.
So it's two blocks away.
Yeah, but it's not Dirty 6th.
It's way off.
Right, right.
But it's not far, R&B.
Right, right.
It's still downtown.
I get what you're saying.
It's still downtown.
These are the guys.
These are the guys.
I'm going there tonight.
So what is it?
What's the name of it?
R&B's Steak and Fries.
R&B's Steak and Fries.
Bro, I'm telling you, their fucking cheesesteaks are so legit.
Let's meet the brothers.
These guys brought them to the club.
And I was like, and Tony's like, dude, you got to try this.
I was like, I'm not really hungry, but let me, I said one bite, and I scarfed
it.
I scarfed it.
Oh, they got that fucking sauteed onions.
Oh, it's so good, dude.
Hell yeah.
It's so good.
These guys are so, and they're cool dudes.
Very, very, very legit.
Wait, go back up.
Want to see his nickname?
Boo.
Boo.
Black guys rule.
Boo Radley.
Man, it's almost time for Jeremiah Love highlights.
Easy.
It's almost time, dude.
Jeremiah Love?
Oh, yes.
Who that is?
I love that you're asking.
Who that is?
What are we talking about here?
Is that politics?
No.
No.
Football.
That sounds like a running back.
Jeremiah Love sounds like a football player.
Yeah, it does.
He certainly is.
Yeah.
If he was a fighter, he'd probably quit in the third round.
I don't know if he.
With that name?
If he had autism, or I think he does.
He's got at least OCD, but they did a nice doc.
Before the game, college game day always runs like a heartwarming story, but he
had autism
as a kid, and they were like, we don't know what to do.
And then we got him in football, and he was just a fucking animal.
Oh, wow.
He's just.
That's a thing with autism.
He's so fast.
Wow, look at him go.
Wow.
He's looking at his own sideline.
Dude, autism is a superpower.
Well, you just got to channel it.
Tell me about it.
You're going to like this one.
Norman, speak on it.
You got to find a piano or comedy.
I can speak about Neanderthal genes.
You can speak about autism.
These guys are tackling wrong.
Look at him go, dude.
Wow.
Matt's trying to catch a guy that runs that fast.
Wait till you see him jumping over people.
These guys are tackling wrong.
Oh, my God.
He's like the correspondence shooter.
Hey, Jamie, who is that guy that they just signed from Africa?
He's a 21-year-old guy who's never played football before.
What?
Philly did.
Yeah.
He's with the Eagles.
He's a monster.
He's a monster.
Oh, does that?
Where you're like, as long as you've got the skills, we got you.
That was a nice juke.
Let's just keep this rolling for a second.
Whoa, look at that.
Look at that.
What a wiggle.
Oh, my goodness.
All they got to do to tackle him is look him directly in the eyes.
Look at him go.
Why?
Because autism hates that shit.
They don't want you ever to shut the fuck up.
Is that real?
You're looking at the autistic guy in the eyes and go, please stop.
He won't look at you back, though.
They hate hugs.
It's not going to work if he doesn't look at you back.
He's just dodging hugs.
Do you hate hugs?
He's dodging hugs.
I hate a hug.
Bro, he...
Ah, get away from it.
No, Joe.
Get him.
Get him.
Get him.
Take him down.
Ah, God.
Oh, right in the lips.
He got tongue in there for the listeners.
That's assault, brother.
Hey.
You should sue Joe.
I might sue you.
Sue Joe.
His whole body was vibrating when I was hugging him.
Good Lord.
I mean, how sick is Jeremiah?
Too much touching.
Bro, I love a great athlete.
Show Joe him jumping over some people.
Hey, what are you boys doing next weekend?
Oh.
I think I got a gig.
What do you got?
I got to go to...
Next week is a roast.
Next Saturday.
Next Saturday.
Oh, yeah.
Netflix fest.
I got to do TD Garden in Boston.
Whoa.
What are you doing?
UFC.
UFC in New Jersey.
Sean Strickland, Hamzat Chemaev.
Hamzat's back.
Bro, they're not even going to have a face-off.
They're worried about putting them close to each other
because Sean has talked so much shit.
He's a wild dude.
He's a wild dude.
And that shit-talking that he does, it's emotional warfare.
Because you'll think about the shit.
He calls him a goat fucker.
Wow.
He won't stop talking shit.
He has no filter.
Sean Strickland said that...
Can Sean defend that?
He said if those three goat fuckers...
He comes up to me with three of his Chechen goat fucking friends...
You didn't see those goats.
He says...
Sean was like, I'll shoot them.
I'll pull out my gun.
I'll shoot all three of them.
He's going like this.
Boom, boom, boom.
Jesus.
He's talking so much shit.
But it's emotional warfare.
It's like what Conor used to do.
What Conor did with Jose Aldo, he had him so fucked up before that fight.
And he was just like so emotional.
Because Aldo was a legend.
Nobody talked shit about him.
Everybody was terrified of him.
And Conor was just constantly talking shit about him.
It worked.
He stole his belt at a press conference and was holding it up.
And by the time the fight happened, Aldo was just so worked up.
And Conor was just like super relaxed and smiling.
That's how Roberto Duran beat Robinson.
Because he called his wife a whore a bunch.
Who's Robinson?
Sugar Ray.
No.
Leonard?
No, Leonard.
Leonard, sorry.
Wrong Sugar.
How dare you.
Sugar Ray the band.
He talked Sugar Ray into fighting his kind of fight.
Do you think Strickland can do that?
No.
Strickland is a...
He's good.
No, no, no.
Strickland is one of the best fighters on planet Earth.
But so is the other guy.
So is Hamzat.
But Strickland is also a legitimate world champion.
He's a guy who's accustomed to five-rounders.
He's got phenomenal cardio.
He's one of the hardest guys to hit in the sport.
Can he wrestle?
100% he has a shot.
Can he wrestle?
Underrated grappling.
Listen to me as an expert.
Allegedly.
He's one of the best takedown.
He's got some of the best takedown defense in the game.
Underrated grappling.
Strickland has a legit chance.
Can I just say this?
As someone who's heard you talk about this kind of stuff for many, many years,
you give
it up more for the person you think is not going to win.
Oh.
Interesting.
Because you didn't say shit about Hamzat in this.
You just said Strickland has a chance.
No, no, no.
I will tell you a lot about Hamzat.
It's unreal.
It's Hamzat.
It's a foot you go, but don't count out the underdog.
No, I'll say that eventually if you give me a chance, you fucking blabbermouth.
You stop talking.
Jesus.
You stop.
You stop.
You already made your point.
Jesus.
Now, Hamzat 100% can win.
Look, he dominated Drickus Duplassi like he didn't even belong in there with
him.
Exactly.
And Drickus was the world champion.
And Drickus had beaten Sean Strickland.
But the last time he beat Strickland in the second fight, Strickland, they made
him fight.
He had a shoulder injury.
Like, Strickland's a wild boy.
And he crashed his dirt bike and fucked his shoulder up.
Cool.
And they, oh, Strickland's an animal.
And they allowed him, I mean, they forced him, I should say, to fight.
Plus 340.
Damn.
Listen, man.
I'm telling you, he can win.
Not only did he beat Adesanya, but the guy does not get tired.
Strickland has some of the best fucking cardio in the sport.
He's one of the hardest guys to hit.
He's very clever with his boxing.
He's got one of the best jabs in the sport.
Strickland can win this fight.
All right.
It's not saying he's going to win.
Hamzad is the best grappler at 185, period.
If he gets him on the ground, it could be over.
And Hamzad can fucking strike, too.
It's not just a grappler.
He's an animal.
Well, I mean, that's what I mean with the shit talk.
Maybe he's trying to talk him into standing.
Right.
Or talk him into a war.
Or talk him into hitting the gas.
Full clip, trying to take...
Aljamain Sterling did a video about this.
And Aljamain said, here's the thing.
If Hamzad tries to just run him over, tries to just take him down, run him over,
submit him, and can't do it, then that's a problem.
Because then he gasses himself out in the first round.
This is a five-round fight.
Strickland is notoriously durable, notoriously in incredible shape, and he's
calm.
He knows how to fight in wars.
He's accustomed to that.
He had a very abusive childhood.
He doesn't like bullies.
Strickland is a tough nut, dude.
Oh, yeah.
In my mind, this is like...
I would get Hans on it.
Yeah, you're firing me up.
Dude, this is a great fight, dude.
Have you heard his trans rant?
This is one...
Oh, great.
Strickland is the best at fucking just talking wild shit at press conferences.
Yeah, yeah.
He's a wild fellow.
He is.
He was on the podcast, too.
He's fun, man.
He's fun.
Yeah.
He gets so angry and worked up about shit, but he's fucking fun, man.
You know what's fun?
Like, now back?
Fun whites.
Fun whites are coming back.
Oh, he's one of the funnest whites ever.
I blame Chet Hanks.
He broke it open.
Chet Hanks!
Yeah, White Boy Summer.
Cracked over the whites.
He's got a new accent?
He broke the hymen.
What's his new one?
I don't know.
He dropped his old one.
He was like, I'm done with that fakeness.
I got a new fakeness.
Can you imagine if it was Tom Hanks as your dad?
That's wild.
You gotta live in that shadow.
Colin and Chet.
They couldn't be more opposite.
Who's Colin?
Colin's his other son.
You've seen he's in a ton of movies.
He's a phony.
Well, he's more straight-laced.
Yeah.
What, Shia LaBeouf?
He's getting drunk, going to jail, coming back out.
Is Shia LaBeouf's dad famous?
No, I'm just saying, like, wild whites.
Colin looks just like Tom.
He's in a ton of movies.
God, he looks just like Tom.
That's crazy.
He could be Forrest Gump, too.
Good actor.
He looks more Forrest Gump-y than Forrest Gump.
He looks more Philadelphia.
What is this?
Chet is singing?
Oh, he's singing now?
Yeah, he's doing country music.
Oh, boy.
Oh, God.
He can't stop.
I thought he was a rapper.
Yeah, he was, but country's big now.
He's just swinging at every fucking bitch.
He just goes wherever's popular.
Renna sucks, man.
He doesn't suck, dude.
That guy sucks.
He's kind of jacked.
Yo.
That guy sucks.
What?
He's great.
Chet Hanks Jamaican accents rules.
Yeah, but, Ari, could you imagine what it's like having Tom Hanks as a dad and
trying
to find your own identity?
I'm sure it's tough if your father was a molester, but it doesn't matter.
She's a molestation.
Oh, come on.
You're talking about fucking Forrest Gump.
J-Mo's getting the time stamp.
I dare you.
We're talking about Woody here.
How dare you.
Tom Hanks.
I just like J-Mo.
J-Mo just goes.
He was good in Atlanta, and that's about it.
Atlanta?
Atlanta.
Philadelphia?
Did an episode of Atlanta.
It was good.
Oh.
Oh.
Chet Hanks?
Which one?
Oh, Chet.
Chet.
Chet rules.
He was also great in Curb.
Yes.
Played the Soldier.
That's right.
I didn't see that one.
You want to talk great athletes.
What about the amputee cornhole guy?
What?
What?
Where'd that come from?
You haven't seen this guy?
What kind of a fucking transition was that?
I never was going with it.
Did you?
Talk with athletes.
The guy got in trouble for shooting someone.
He's got no arms, no legs.
He shot a thing on the window?
With his legs?
He shot a guy.
Did he really shoot somebody?
With a nub.
Wait, 100% he shot him?
Pull it up.
What's cornhole?
I thought he was playing cornhole.
What does he have to do?
Does he have to attach like a stick to the nub so he can pull the trigger?
He's got a little tiny thumb right on the stump.
And he could trigger?
And he pulled a trigger and killed a guy.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Why did he kill the guy?
I think he fucked his stump.
I don't know.
What happened?
Actually, I remember reading this story.
He's a son of a bitch.
He was driving the car, too.
There was three other guys in the car, and he's the one driving it.
Driving the car!
What an alpha!
The stump drove the car?
Yeah.
Wow.
This guy's a badass.
Was it down a straight road?
Wait, and he was a professional cornhole player?
He was number one cornhole.
No way.
What, was he the bag?
Here's a video of him shooting a gun.
There's a video of him climbing a ladder.
There he is!
Climbing a ladder!
Yeah, I'll show you that after this.
He's getting passed around in prison like a cornhole bag.
Juan on suspicion of shooting and killing a pastor in his car during an
argument.
Look at this badass!
Oh, he can shoot guns.
I mean, you can shoot well.
You gotta hand it to him.
Well, maybe if you have-
You gotta have a leg to stand on there, Mark.
Less limbs.
Yeah, less limbs.
Less movement.
Less limbs.
It's not this and this, it's just this.
It's more stable.
I went out on a limb.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
Throwing cornhole.
There's this cornhole strategy.
He's unbelievable.
He's really good.
Look at this!
He's just sinking them.
That's crazy.
Bam!
Bags!
And now he's in jail.
Poor guy.
He could have been a hero of our generation.
So did he kill the guy for a reason?
I'm sure.
Lost his limbs, bacterial infection at 10 years old, demonstrating shooting.
So what is the story?
Accused of shooting a guy during a driving argument.
Wow.
He wanted the two guys in the car to help him get rid of the body.
They refused.
And then he dropped them out of the car, went and dropped the body somewhere.
Someone found the body and then they came after him.
Shit, that'd be tough to dig a hole.
Bro, the way Ari leaves is astonishing.
Ari leaves like a ghost in the night.
Well, he's old.
They gotta piss every 10 minutes.
I'm older than him.
He drinks prune juice.
Goes right through you.
So it was an argument?
He just shot the guy?
You'd think it would take so long for him to pull out the gun.
You would just smack it out of his stub.
You'd think.
But I think when that guy comes up to you, you're like, what are you going to
do?
You're not scared.
So the guy's got all the time in the world.
I'd be so scared if I saw that guy.
You can climb a hunting blind with a rifle on his back.
Look at this psycho.
God, he's like a slug.
He's very capable.
He looks like Toe Jam and Earl.
He looks like Toe Jam and Earl.
What a pull.
Wow.
I mean, you gotta hand it to the guy for just being independent.
Yeah.
I mean, we're being mean to him.
I want to make sure he's a murderer before I make fun for being disabled.
Maybe the guy in the backseat was a real...
Disabled.
He's definitely a murderer.
He's in jail.
I wonder...
He's in jail right now?
You better believe it.
Huh.
Found a nearby yard.
That's who you want as your bunkmate.
He's not raped.
Pronounced dead at the scene.
He was tracked to Virginia Hospital and arrested.
Set to be...
He was in a hospital.
Why was he in a hospital?
Maryland?
Well...
Did they get in a fight?
Yeah, when is it so they got in a fight?
So rarely in the news.
So the guy punched him and he had to go to the hospital?
So he was...
He was tracked to a hospital.
So the guy who he shot was the guy punching him?
Sounds about right.
You know what I'm saying?
If you're punching a guy with no arms and no legs, he's got to do something to
fight back.
Shoot you.
But that's what's weird.
It's like...
It says...
He looks so happy.
But if it says he went to a hospital, why did he have to go to a hospital?
Mad Rifle.
Mad Rifle.
That's what they say.
Riding high in April.
Yeah, it says the officer's tracked in the hospital.
That's all it says.
Yeah, but why was he in the hospital?
So did they get in a fist fight and he pulled the gun on the guy who was
beating his ass?
They probably found him and they were like, holy shit, let's get him to a
hospital.
He's probably fine.
They were like, holy shit, take him to where they are.
But it's a weird situation.
He lost his wits.
If he was at a hospital, like, why was he at a hospital?
Yeah.
We don't know the whole story.
I don't know.
Anyway, he can...
This is the part I read.
He plays a mean cornhole.
Asked them to pull the car out of the...
Pull the body out of the car.
They said no.
They got out of the car instead and he drove off with the body still in the car.
Oh, boy.
How's he got out of the car?
He's got to get him out of the car.
He's got no arms.
Damn, is that Bieber in the middle?
It's Bieber.
Oh, I thought it was the same crime.
I was like, wait.
Celebrity mugshot.
Celebrity...
What did Bieber get arrested for?
By the way, go back up.
Look how dashing Bieber is in his mugshot.
Did Bieber get arrested for looking cute?
Perfectly straight teeth.
Who knows?
Lohan's not bad either.
Lohan's not bad there.
Lohan rules, dude.
Lohan's hot again.
I co-starred in a movie.
She's back.
Oh, good.
Lohan and fruit.
You co-starred in a movie with Lohan?
Yeah, worst movie of all time.
Who was that?
Inappropriate comedy.
Start directed by the Shamrock guy.
Lohan was in that?
You're in that?
Lohan.
We had an Academy Award winner.
Adrian Brody.
What?
What?
Adrian Brody was in that?
Crazy, the pianist.
Who's the chick who got drunk driving?
Who was in the Avatar?
Boom, that one at the end.
Rodriguez.
What?
Oh, I thought she got a D. U. E.
Rob Schneider's in that?
Oh, about everybody.
Who's the middle lady with the D. U. E.
Is that really the worst movie ever?
It was on Rotten Tomatoes.
It was the worst movie of all time.
And for a while, it had zero stars.
How did Adrian Brody get roped into that?
Yeah, what happened to him?
Did he get roped into that?
He was on a downturn of his career.
He came back.
He was on a downswing.
You know what's crazy about Brody?
He's banging Harvey's wife.
Wait, am I in there?
Oh, you know who else is in there?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Theo Vaughn.
Oh, all right.
Wow.
Ari Shafir.
There we go.
Oh, the amazing racists.
With some writing by Christina Paziski.
Did some writing on this.
Okay.
How about that?
Dante is the racist assistant.
Rob Schneider is JD.
That's when I was offering black people a free trip back to Africa.
You really did it, man.
You really went for it back then.
Thank you.
So when you got the script, did you realize it was going to be that bad?
There was no script.
Vince came to me.
He was like, hey, those amazing racists you did.
Can we make more of those?
I'm like, I don't own them.
And he goes, can we make new ones?
And I was like, yeah, if you want to.
Hey, it earned 172K.
Six hundred and twenty-five dollars.
It's opening.
All these pictures of one person in the theater.
I like how it says inappropriate, but for some reason, APP was.
Oh, it was about apps.
Dude, it was all about apps.
It was a whole back story line.
None of it made any sense.
Like dating apps?
Yeah.
But wait, what year was this?
Oh, okay.
That's your question.
2013.
I remember I saw it in theaters by myself.
Was there even apps in 2013?
It was just beginning of apps.
It was a big deal.
It added to the 625.
Dude, this movie was so fun.
I've never heard of this in my life.
We went to the border and I was doing a set-up scene and some people were
fucking running and crossing.
But it's so crazy.
Like, Adrian Broder is a fucking legit actor.
He was down and then back up.
They gave him money.
But why did he go down?
Did he do a movie with you?
Well, he was in a separate scene.
He was in Flirty Harry.
Flirty Harry.
Flirty Harry.
Flirty Harry.
So, but why did...
What the fuck is going on?
This shit wow guy.
He went to jail, too.
Look at Theo.
Oh, my God.
Look at Ari.
Wow, young Theo.
Oh, my God.
Bro, we should have a screening of this on the next Protect Our Parks.
I would love to see this.
Let's watch it and talk.
Bro, this looks so bad.
This is horrible.
It's so bad.
Who's the girl?
The girl with the brunette right there.
Rodriguez.
Oh, the girl from Aliens?
Isn't she in Aliens, too?
Nah, I don't know.
Maybe.
See if she's in Aliens.
She's Vin Diesel's lady.
That's crazy.
They got her in this?
Ah, kids in cages.
How does this ShamWow guy talk everybody into this?
Money, bro.
GS gave me advice.
He was like, hey, they want me to do this thing.
He goes, Ari, every once in a while, so people in Hollywood.
Oh, there he is.
Shane, you can't laugh at this.
Young Ari.
Shane, sit this one out.
We'll take it from here.
I will say, so you guys were making dog shit like this.
Yeah.
And then I was like, because I wasn't really around for that.
Yeah.
And then it's like, man, I can't believe cancel culture exists.
It's like, oh, now I get it.
Yeah.
Somebody doesn't put an end to this horse shit.
Nah.
It's so bad.
2013.
I'm with the limbs now, dude.
That shit stinks.
Fire everybody.
2013.
Yeah.
Wow.
Those Amazing Racist videos were probably like 2005, 6, 7.
Yeah, five, I think, because it was before, I think those videos were before
the whole
Mencia thing at the store.
That's right, because he was like, who are you to say anything about racial
jokes?
Somebody's like, Amazing Racist?
Yeah.
He was like, sorry, good point.
Before that, yeah.
Wow, that's crazy they got Adrian Brody, because he's probably paid money to
try to get that
released, like deleted.
I've never heard of it.
No one even knows about it.
They do now.
They do now.
That's right.
You have a pretty decent sized platform.
Millions of people are currently listening.
Yeah, you guys are actually going to make a fucking ton of money on that movie.
Is he alive?
Oh, yeah.
He did kill Tony.
Recently?
Yeah, I don't know, a year ago.
I mean, he got caught biting that hook.
No, the hooker was biting his tongue, and he had to get off my fucking tongue.
And he was like, he did something.
He was like, stop biting my tongue.
That's not so bad.
What was he doing with his tongue?
She bit it.
Why would you have your tongue involved in a hooker at all?
What's happening?
Yeah, you don't kiss a hooker.
Well, you do if you're drunk.
Passionately.
Yeah.
Sometimes you pay for just kisses.
Let's go.
I wish you were my girl.
We knew a guy at the comedy store who would pay extra.
I'm not going to say who, but who would pay extra to fuck, to go down on hookers
without a-
Really?
Yes.
To go down on hookers.
You don't know him.
Wow.
He would pay extra for that?
Oh, I do know.
I do know.
He's the fucking man.
He's dog man.
He's the funniest.
He would be open about it.
He's like, nah, they won't let you go down on that.
The Shenmue guy is running for Congress?
I'll vote for him.
Make America grow some balls again.
Like here, it's like Cedar Park.
What?
Yeah.
What is his first nine bills in Congress?
Let's read what he says.
He's posing with a headset?
No tax on Social Security.
That's reasonable.
Great.
Parental class view.
Don't know what that is.
What does that mean?
Ring cameras to protect our homes.
We do not-
Oh, and classes.
Woke buster.
Oh, ring cameras in classes.
That's not a bad idea.
N triple X on X.
Pornography on-
Oh, boo.
It sounds like this guy wants to jerk off the kids.
And he's pretending to be a congressman to go, we should set up cameras in
schools.
Healthy Screen Act.
I like number five.
Cowboy Coats for Kids.
Has to be a human at customer service.
I like that.
That's not bad.
That's not bad.
That's somebody who's annoyed.
Like, the agent!
Agent!
Yeah.
That'll ruin India.
Oh, interesting.
Children need to pray?
Oh, come on.
A lot of kid stuff coming out of this guy.
Yeah.
Does he have children?
Cowboy Coats for Kids.
Find out if he actually has children.
Doubt it.
Doubt it.
It's fun after ShamWow.
Oh, we got a Jew here.
Shlomi.
I gotta tell you, he sent me a ShamWow jacket.
Ooh.
Did you wear it everywhere?
Made entirely out of ShamWows.
Did you wear it everywhere?
He is a charming fellow.
It must be great when it rains out and that thing weighs 80 pounds.
Wear that for the roast.
I go, great.
Now I weigh 375 pounds.
Find out if that guy has a family.
His story is actually pretty interesting.
It's kind of odd that he's concentrating so much.
He would just sell shit in Atlantic City, like on the streets.
I think it was a meth head.
And he was just great at it.
And he goes, I'll take out like Byron Allen, like late night spots and just
sell to more
people.
He must have made so much money.
He made a ton of money.
He made a fortune.
ShamWow was nice.
I'll tell you, I got a good ShamWow story.
One time I was staying at my buddy's house and I stood up in the middle of the
night.
He gave me his bed, so I was in that, but his roommate was in the other bed.
It was in college.
And I just stood up and pissed on the other guy's bed while he was in it.
Oh, damn.
And then, in the morning, I got a ShamWow.
He soaked it all up?
And just pressed it against this guy.
Is that what it does?
It soaks?
Yeah.
It soaks really well.
Well, it's a shammy cloth.
A shammy cloth is a thing that you use to wash cars with forever.
He said he went to seven companies in Korea.
He goes, send me each one.
He goes, this one's the best one.
All right, put my name on that and run them out.
So, is it like a synthetic version of a shammy cloth?
Because a shammy cloth is like an animal skin cloth that you use to clean cars
with.
Oh, I do.
Yeah, a shammy cloth is like you wash the car and then the car has all this
water on it.
You use the shammy cloth first and then you polish it with microfiber cloths.
Yeah, it's what it is.
Actually, yeah, it's very absorbent.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like the shammy thing.
It's a good product.
You bring them up.
It reminds me of, yeah.
Yeah, I used to do that.
Yeah, I used to do that.
I used to work at a car wash.
I used to work at an auto auction.
Yeah, you go.
In a dealership and a garage.
Oh, there you go.
I used to do it all the time.
Which is why tires is a good show.
It's out of knowledge, for sure.
You're right what you know.
Bro, you need a muscle car.
You need a muscle car, Shane.
Hey, Shane, you know what this massive purchaser's made?
Hey.
I'm doing it wrong.
No, no, no, he's not doing it wrong.
I'm happy with that one.
That's the one's great, but how about also?
How about also you get like a modern muscle car that works really well?
Like a charger?
Do you know about Revology Mustangs?
Pull it up.
Have you ever seen my 68 Mustang?
Yes.
My bullet Mustang?
Yeah, that shit rocks.
Rocks, right?
There's a company, this company, Revology.
They're the shit.
They make a brand new 1969 Mustang.
Well, that's what I wanted.
What?
Yeah.
I wanted an old, you know what I wanted?
Look at that.
This is Revology.
What do you mean brand new?
They just recreated it?
So this is, no, it's the guy, Tom Scarpello, he worked at Ford.
He made the Ford GT.
Can you imagine me getting out of that in fucking gym shorts?
Me.
I do it all the time.
Yeah, but you look cool.
I would look like a fucking idiot.
You look cool.
You look like a fucking American.
You do look American.
You look American.
So that's what I have.
I have that car on the left.
Are you down with the sickness?
I have, well, you have that one, the blue?
I have the, well, mine is actually green.
That is beautiful.
Like Steve McQueen's.
I have a green one, 68.
But the point is, he makes the new one, which is even cooler than the 69.
Go to models, Jamie, please.
67 is the one.
Go to models.
Or 66 and a half.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
The new 69 is this shit.
That one, the Boss.
The Boss 429.
Click on that.
So it's just an old body with a new car.
But it's not an old body.
It's a brand new exact version.
So he makes the metal?
Yes.
It's a full factory.
It's a full factory.
But it's completely reliable.
I can't drive that.
Yes, you can.
Oh, this is like making Jordan 1s.
I will force you at gunpoint to drive that.
You need one of those.
You need a black one.
No, I need a 97 Land Cruiser.
Ooh, that's a cool car.
Oh, you do?
Yeah.
That's what I was like.
I have a 95 with a supercharged Corvette engine in it.
And I need a new car.
And I couldn't wait long enough to get one of those.
What you got is perfect.
What you got is perfect.
You need a nice Buick Regal.
Do you want to tell people what you got?
You need a LeBaron.
No, don't tell me what you got.
But what you got, see, that's an 80s that I should be driving.
Yeah, that's a real car.
I love those.
Jamie, pull up mine.
I have a 1995 that TLC made me.
And I had to put a supercharged Corvette engine in it.
And then I had Colvin Automotive change the supercharger, jack it up to 800
horsepower.
It's got dual exhaust now.
Oh, it's a total apocalypse car.
It's got a gun safe in it.
It's got everything.
Who's the nerd?
That's my friend, Jonathan Ward, who fucking built the car for me.
Yeah, he's the man.
Now, Jamie, call up a 2017 Toyota Corolla.
That guy needs a wedgie.
No, but you need a 69 boss.
That's what you need.
I have a 69 boss.
Oh, you got the winch.
Yeah, oh, it's got everything.
You're amazing.
Well, I got this when I was worried that, well, I had a family and I was
worried that at one
point in time, LA was going to experience an apocalypse and I had to be able to
drive somewhere
where there's no roads.
Oh, yeah.
So I got an extra large gas tank on that thing.
Whoa.
Nice.
I have steel bumpers all around.
Whoa.
Rock sliders on the side.
I wanted to make it so I could just go.
Run over protesters.
I can't wait to get away.
I can't wait to die at the gates in front of your house when the apocalypse
happens.
You're not going to die.
I can't wait for someone.
Please, let her.
I'm going to let you in.
Come on, dog.
Please, please, Joe.
Come on.
How dare you?
Save me.
You park there like, do not get out of your car.
By then, we'll be at the ranch.
We'll have the ranch fully operational by now.
But between now and then, you need a fucking Mustang.
You need a boss, brother.
Is Mustang the only one they make?
Can we get like an old Porsche?
Can I get an old Venus to do that?
I'm too big for an old Porsche.
You're too big for a Porsche.
Yeah.
Land Cruiser.
Land Cruiser.
This is another company called RSR Recreations.
They make a 911.
You can get it with no fucking AC, no nothing.
It only weighs 2,000 pounds.
Dancing Jews.
I knew about it on 910.
Dancing Israelis.
Don't Google it.
Don't Google dancing Israelis, whatever you do.
Don't read into that story.
You'll go, hey, what?
Wait a second.
A-Pack, what?
A-Pack.
How much money?
All right, there's my fucking platform.
Okay, what about-
Let's get rid of A-Pack.
Let's get rid of all those fucking lobbies.
Yeah, let's get rid of A-Pack.
Let's get rid of all lobbies.
Yeah.
Yeah, all lobbies.
Not just A-Pack.
Not just the ones that are convenient now.
You need a muscle car.
Oh, jeez.
If you don't want to get that, how about a new muscle car?
How about a Shelby Super Snake R?
Brother, I'm never driving that, bro.
I bet you should.
You need one car.
You need one car to drive a car.
I need one car.
I have a pretty small house and a tiny garage.
What are you, a communist?
You need to get a new house.
First of all, you're a fucking baller now.
So you need a new house.
Look at that.
That's a Shelby Super Snake R.
Oh, he can't drive that.
Do you know what that would look like?
Me getting out or bringing a girl there and going,
look, I'm not going to get hard.
850 fucking horsepower.
That's going to be great to pull into a parking lot.
Shut up, Ari.
You've got to take that on the open road.
I was telling Ari back when Ari first started making money.
I go, Ari, please get a nice car.
Please just get a nice car.
How about a Cadillac Blackwing?
2022 Tournament Corolla.
How about one of these?
How about a CT5V Blackwing?
How about that?
Can't have a Caddy?
Come on.
I agree.
If I saw someone trying to have me like that.
That's my dad's car.
No, no, no.
That is not your dad's car.
That's a black guy.
That thing has almost 700 horsepower.
Keep beating the cord.
Very reliable.
You can solder the fucking hood shut for five years.
Why would you do that, Ari?
You have money too, Ari.
You drive me crazy.
I was trying to get him to buy a BMW M3 in like 2008.
Ooh, that'd be nice.
I love a BMW.
Why didn't you do it?
Because I had to put all my money into this goddamn storytelling show.
No, but you're going to make it back.
I put my money into that.
Yeah, but you made it back already.
You told me you made it back.
You spent more money.
Yeah, I had to make the budget back.
The end available right now at Ari Shaffer.
I've tried for years, maybe decades, to try to talk you into buying a nice car.
Yeah.
He can.
Look at that hat.
It's New York.
You can't have a nice car.
Yeah, you can't have a nice car.
I got an old baby.
You got enough money to have a house other places.
You should get a house out here.
Get a house out here with a garage and keep some nice cars in it so you can
fucking roll.
Do you have enough money for that?
No, I do not.
You spent all your money in Mazelan.
I'll give you the fucking money.
Tell me what car you want to buy.
Well, hold on a second.
Are you buying houses?
Oh, Lamborghini.
You're buying a car, not a house.
I'm still waiting to get a watch.
I held out.
He said watch.
I'm like, I'll hold out for a car.
He gave you a watch.
You didn't wear it.
You wear that piece of shit.
It's a Casio.
It's a Rolex.
I would buy you a watch if you'd wear it.
If I buy you a watch, will you wear it?
Sure.
How many times?
Every day.
I'm thinking the same.
I shower with this.
Right.
But if I bought you a real watch, would you wear it every day?
I mean, not like a Rolex.
One of those astronaut fuckers I wear.
You're not going to wear a Rolex.
Okay.
You would wear one of those?
Yeah, but I don't want to.
Next, protect our parks.
I'm going to get you a Speedmaster.
Pause.
Hold on.
Omega Speedmaster.
Can I tell you what he wants?
Shamwell is a Speedmaster.
He wants that size watch, not a bulky one.
He wants a thinner watch.
I like a small watch.
This is not too big.
This is a Rolex.
That's crazy.
But it's on a rubber strap.
It's a little understated.
G-Shock.
G-Shock rules.
Sick.
Would you wear that?
Indiglo?
Would you wear that?
I like a metal band, but yeah, it's a good looking watch.
Right.
$100,000?
What did Louie get you?
He got me the oyster face, or what do you call it?
Oh, okay.
It's really nice, and it's inscribed in the back.
Thanks for working with me, LCK.
Yeah, but you don't even wear it.
It's on my shelf.
It's propped up.
Okay.
So if I buy you an Omega, you're going to wear it?
Hell yeah.
Okay.
No, you don't have to buy me an Omega.
Shut the fuck up.
It's over.
Norman, Norman, you're going to love this.
Egot gave me the coolest thing that I have, which was Norm McDonald's cup on
the late
night with Letterman.
Whoa.
The mug?
The actual mug from the late night.
Egot gave me the coolest thing.
Pull that up.
From Norm doing Letterman.
The talk show?
Oh, Letterman.
Yeah, that he brought home.
That's tight.
That's cool.
Wow, that's a great one.
That's the best gift I got.
That's great.
I would protect that.
I'd be scared that someone would break that.
Imagine if a chick comes over your house and drops that.
I would have a cup of tea.
I would punch it.
Whoopsies.
Oh, I protect it.
It's on my mantle.
It's in the middle.
It's above my front.
Wow, that's great.
I'd put ring ropes around it to cushion it.
Yeah, I probably should.
Mickey Mantle.
Yeah.
Mickey Mantle.
That's a good one.
That's the best one.
Those Rodney notes are great.
Oh, my God.
Isn't they amazing in the green room?
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
The handwritten Rodney notes from his Tonight Show special.
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Whitney got us those.
Rodney's wife donated it.
She found out about the club.
She knew we were doing it, and she donated it to us.
Wow.
Very cool.
It's a cool thing to see in there.
It's amazing.
And you get to read them, and you see how he would make the punchlines bold.
And all the nose, and then bold punchline.
Oh, yeah.
It's cool.
It's like the feeling, the spirit of joke writing is in that room.
He was a drug addict.
Allegedly.
No, I was pretty out there.
The coolest thing about Rodney was that when weed was illegal.
He enjoyed drugs.
I don't know if he was a drug addict.
When weed was illegal, and cops would come into a club he was in, he was just
smoking weed.
He would just go up to them, like, hello, officer.
How you doing?
Just holding.
He knew he was immune.
No one's going to touch him.
I told you guys when I worked as a security guard, when I got to see Rodney
perform,
when I worked as a security guard.
Whoa.
Have you seen that?
I know you beat up a guy with a walkie-talkie.
No, I didn't beat him up.
Oh.
No, that was Alley Cat.
That was my boss.
He beat up a guy.
Alley Cat.
That was my first day.
Alley Cat.
Wow.
That was the first thing I've heard you say.
I was like, damn, Joe's old.
He had a boy.
He was like, no, that was my boy, Alley Cat.
That was the boss.
Alley Cat was the boss.
So what happened was one of the guys from my Taekwondo gym got hired to be
security.
And they were like, bro, it's like 50 bucks an hour.
It's really cool.
You get to see concerts.
So we all went and I got to see Rodney there.
Rodney was backstage with nothing on but a bathrobe.
Open?
He was completely naked.
No, I didn't see that.
I saw him walking around with slippers and a bathrobe.
And then he went on stage with nothing but a bathrobe.
Damn.
Bathrobe, naked underneath it.
What?
Went on stage that way?
That's amazing.
In 1986.
Wow.
And fucking destroyed.
I was 19.
Wow.
I was mesmerized.
And back then, I wasn't even thinking about doing comedy.
I was just fighting.
And I was enjoying it.
And I was like, this guy's so free.
I remember thinking that, like this guy's on stage with, I mean, destroy it.
I get no respect, no respect at all.
And the fucking place is going nuts.
He was killing punchline after punchline after punchline.
I was 19.
I mean, I was blown away.
Wow.
And you were working.
I was working.
Yeah.
I was a security guard.
That's a good gig.
I had to see the shows.
That was also the job that I quit when, you know, the whole thing would happen
with COVID
where Neil Young pulled his music off Spotify because I was giving out vaccine
misinformation.
Wait, is that until he couldn't get it played elsewhere?
Yeah.
It was not real.
He didn't even own his music.
It's all bullshit.
But anyway, I didn't shit on him at the time, even though he's trying to ruin
my life because
I was a Neil Young fan.
And I told the story about how when I was a security guard, the last day on the
job was
a Neil Young concert because a riot broke out.
And a riot broke out.
I was like, I'm not fighting for 50 bucks an hour.
I fucking zipped up my hoodie and I just walked out.
And I never even got my last check.
Damn.
It was cold out and Great Woods in Mansfield has a whole lawn.
It's an amphitheater.
So the front part that's all seated has a cover over it.
And then the back part's a lawn.
And it was a little cold out.
So these fucking animals, the Neil Young concert started lighting bonfires.
And so the security guys had to come over and tell them, hey, put out the fires.
And drunk guys were like, fuck you.
And my friend Larry punched some guy.
And Larry was like the nicest guy in the world.
I'm like, oh my God, we're having a war.
And so the fight started breaking up.
And as soon as my friends were safe and I'm like, let's get the fuck out of
here.
I put out my hoodie and I just quit.
I'm like, I'm not fighting these fucking people.
And that was my last day on the job as a security guard.
Bonfires and fist fighting at a fucking Neil Young concert.
Neil Young.
It's so crazy.
Yeah.
It was a smear pussy.
Ten Taekwondo black belts, including like national level competitors that were
all security guards.
They were just waiting to kick somebody into a coma.
Just roundhouse and Neil Young fans.
Damn.
We'd never, I mean.
Oh, you got him.
Who's Joe DeRosa?
One guy.
Okay, let's hear this.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
All right, go.
Hold on, where's the volume?
I don't know, there's no sound before something.
I remember, that was just COVID time, huh?
Yep.
I remember you'd wear that.
Oh my gosh, Shane, fuck you.
Is this our?
Oh yeah, yeah, I was like, I'll add this song.
What's the with the glasses?
I don't know, I was doing something.
It's giggles.
Oh my gosh.
This is brutal.
I forgot that was my best part, is I said, I'll add the music.
Oh, this is like a hostage video.
Please turn this off.
This is horrific.
Where did he go?
Oh.
I love that DeRosa's so much.
Where did he go?
Oh, man, he took it so serious.
That's not as fun as Roddy naked.
Goddamn, Shane, you killed me.
That was tough.
I did not enjoy that at all.
That was bad.
I'll turn it.
Did you see the Scientology speed runs that were going around?
What's that, Jamie?
The last week or two.
These kids are breaking into Scientology places all over the country.
Oh, they're breaking into them?
Why?
The dorms are called speed runs.
Speed runs?
Yeah.
No, let me see this.
They're trying to get as deep as they can possibly get.
Into a Scientology building?
The Scientology building removed all the doors.
Yeah.
The Scientology building removed all the doors.
Speed runs.
Wow.
That guy at the White House Correspondents.
Yeah.
He is so cold.
Oh, you want to play games?
No, I don't.
Wow.
Damn.
Speed runs is such a great way to go through something.
Just run as fast as this blitzkrieg.
So this is a trend?
They'll kill you, those guys.
To the point right now that they've taken the handles off the doors on the
outside.
I went.
Oh.
I went.
Me and Natasha went to Scientology once.
Really?
On Vine, yeah.
They kind of got me a little.
They were like, can we get some information from you?
I'm like, I'm getting my home address if you want.
And she was like, what the fuck are you doing?
I'm like, I don't know.
They're getting me.
The book they saw was, it's good for ages eight to eight.
Wow.
So this kid just ran through?
Whoa.
Yeah, so they was busting through.
Making noise.
Maybe whites are coming back.
Causing as much chaos as they can in like 10 seconds.
They're not really doing anything other than just.
Good for them.
And all these other people behind them, are they Scientologists?
Are these just all the kids?
These would normally be the kids running through the building.
Also, there's more than one kid.
There's multiple kids.
I think 30 of them.
Good for them.
Because some of them got through.
Oh, look how deep they're going.
Yeah, they're just trying to like, what's inside?
What are you guys hiding?
I love these guys.
Because no one really has ever seen inside those buildings.
They're having fun.
Oh, how weird.
And they just run out the exit.
Well, they're like the second biggest real estate holders in Los Angeles.
Yeah, they're crazy.
Oh my God, look at this guy trying.
I think it's like China and then Scientology raid with Jesus.
They're trying to open the door.
Whoa, I love it.
Oh, this is so crazy.
Dude, it's over.
They got you.
They deserve this.
Those guys are cunts.
I mean, look at the inside, though, too.
I've never seen it.
Scientology has a voting block in Los Angeles, Hollywood.
Wow, it's pretty cool inside.
It's like a museum.
Look at that.
Wow, I want to go in there.
Wow.
You kind of want to go in there.
You take a photo outside their building, they'll tell you.
Well, I remember during the 90s, a lot of people were thinking about joining
Scientology because
it was really good for your career back then.
Right.
They had an acting class.
Yeah.
Something east.
They had Will Smith.
Playhouse West.
Tom Cruise.
Brian Callen was in an acting class with a Scientology guy.
And I remember he was telling me that a lot of these Scientologists, they get
really far in acting because you get connected.
Right.
Deepest recorded Scientology run on that first.
Deepest.
It just started recently, I think like this month.
Good for them.
Look at this guy moving.
Look at this guy with the fucking suits trying to stop him.
They put a hand out as if that's going to do it.
Very unenthusiastic.
Hey, did you guys see the fat principal who stopped the school shooting?
Yeah.
That was amazing.
What?
He got shot in the leg.
I think it was in Virginia.
He got shot.
The guy came into the building with a gun and this fucking principal just rushes
him, grabs
him, tackles him, holds on to the gun.
He got shot in the leg, apparently.
Badass.
What a hero.
And then he went into a party.
Who?
The prom.
Yeah.
It was the prom like a week later and everybody went crazy and cheered.
He became prom king.
Very emotional.
Stopped the shooting.
Very emotional.
Stopped the shooting.
20 deaths.
Yeah.
I mean, he stopped it in its tracks as the guy came in through the front door.
You do have one moment where like you see it, you realize, and you're like, let's
go.
They have the video.
School principal injured in school shooting.
Shooter identified as former student.
This isn't Oklahoma.
Former student?
Oklahoma.
That's where it is.
Wayne Coyne.
Yeah.
Wow.
Look at the guy.
That's the guy.
That's the guy.
But if you watch the video, the guy fucking literally threw himself on the guy
with the gun.
Completely heroic.
Show me his face again, dude.
That's a guy who loves brewskis.
Oh, yeah.
Barbecue.
Sandwiches.
Give me a barbecue, brewskis.
Dude, I'm going to tackle this fucking weirdo.
He's probably not worried about his death.
Hey, Mark, how can we even say I'm not worried about his death?
You know what I'm saying?
He's ready to go to Valhalla.
He's ready to go.
He's a Viking.
That's an American Viking, dude.
You get fat as shit.
You drink beers.
You go, fuck it.
I've been waiting for somebody to kill me.
See you in Valhalla, brother.
He's a hero.
God damn it.
Didn't Cash Patel say that about somebody?
See you in Valhalla?
Yeah.
About Charlie Kirk.
Yeah.
It was the corniest fucking shit ever.
That's a rough one.
Your watch is over.
We'll see you in Valhalla, brother.
Shut up.
I was watching a video on what a 30-odd-six round actually would do to a neck.
Oh, no.
Here we go.
Yeah.
They showed what the actual rifle round would do to a person's neck versus what
you saw from
Charlie Kirk.
Yeah.
There's a lot of people that don't think it was really that guy on the roof
that shot him
that was something else.
Some people think it was a microphone, but the problem-
What?
Yeah.
The microphone shot him in the neck.
The microphone?
Like there was some sort of an implemented destruction device.
Oh.
The problem I have with that is you don't see any fire coming off of the
microphone.
Right.
If a microphone is going to kill you, it's going to shoot you somehow or
another, it's
got to be an explosive charge, and then you'll see a flash, and then something
will projectile
from that into your neck.
They say a microphone shot him in the neck.
Yeah, somebody shot him, right?
If a rifle-
Someone shot him.
If a rifle shoots your neck, wouldn't it go through?
Far away?
You would imagine it would, and in these videos that I saw, it shows a massive
destruction.
So what they're using is ballistic gel, and so they have a fake neck and a fake
head
and a spine, and they show ballistic gel, what it looks like.
And it just blows the neck completely apart.
It's just splatter, a giant opening wound, because this tissue is very soft.
I mean, this is not durable tissue.
And he got shot, and it was not even an exit hole.
Did they catch the guy?
Supposedly.
You don't know that?
You don't know the most of it?
Well, you are so out of the loop.
I remember at a bar in Guatemala, someone was like, who's Charlie Kirk?
I'm like, I think he makes fun of college kids.
You're right about that.
That's not wrong.
And then I was like, why?
And they're like, I think he got killed.
And I was like, oh.
Bro, there's many, many, many, many, many layers to that story.
Past the weed.
And his wife.
We're at an outdoor bar.
Like, yeah, anyway, bro.
Past the weed.
Pass that over.
Past the weed.
So, yeah.
Sorry.
Many levels to that story.
I don't mean to come down on you, but that sucks.
Past the weed?
You were gone for so long.
Oh, man.
I don't even know that guy.
Past the weed.
Dude, I was looking for weed, and it's always smoking.
I'm like, I'm looking for that weed.
In Guatemala?
Yeah, at a bar.
What is the legality of weed in Guatemala?
Same as, like, five years ago here.
Like, do it quietly.
Oh, you can get arrested, though.
You can, but.
And then you wind up in a Guatemalan jail.
Imagine if we had to bail you out, like, fucking, the 18.
You wouldn't even know.
We would never bail you out.
I would.
I'd go there.
Let him sit there for a little.
Nah, I'd hire people.
You would fly to Guatemala?
100%.
100%.
Yeah, if Ari was in jail in Guatemala, 100% we'd get him out.
Nah, that'd be fun, though, to let him sit for a few days.
Yeah.
He needs to learn his lessons, dude.
I can't have one lesson.
Of course I'm going to get weed.
I'm the guy who gets weed.
The lesson is, keep getting weed, man.
We'd have to go get him.
I'd make you guys come with me.
We'd have to film him.
Yeah, protect our parts from a fucking national park.
From a cell.
Whoever filmed your fucking, that whole run that you did.
Yeah, we'll bring him.
That guy.
Yeah, he'll put some witty quotes.
Get him in there.
Get Ari in there.
Look at this.
State of emergency.
Gang prisons.
Prison riots in the gangs.
He'd be in that gang getting fucked.
Good to get you back in the camps.
I can't have you in there, Ari.
Getting fucked by these Guatemalan dudes.
Dude, those guys who gave me weed and told me about Charlie Kirk, they were
like, what
do you think about Trump?
I'm like, I don't really know.
And then I figured out how to turn it away from that conversation.
I go, how's your guy?
And they go, our guy sucks.
He's so crooked.
Maduro?
No, it was somebody in Guatemala.
Oh, sorry.
Wrong country.
You just turn it on their guy.
They love talking about it.
Yeah, it's not Maduro.
It's far away.
Yeah, he's like, he's crooked.
He takes money from corporations.
I'm like, yeah, we do that.
Boo.
Better than El Salvador.
That place is even crazier.
No, what they did.
El Salvador rules.
They stopped all the crimes.
Didn't they have a ton of gangs?
They threw them all in giant prisons and stopped all the crime.
They drove them out, killed the rest.
Can we do that?
Drove them all out.
Their crime dropped off a fucking cliff.
Maybe that's why it's a big story here, Mark.
I guess so.
No, that guy is a hero to everyone there.
We should do that.
They all love him.
Look at this.
Agreed.
Everyone who was there loves him.
Everyone who came in later was like, oh, so-so.
That's El Salvador's prison.
We should do that to our civilians.
Look at the guy in the back.
He's kind of fat.
There's a couple chunks in there.
I bet there's a few guys in there that don't belong.
Yeah, I'd say so.
There's a story here that anyone with a tattoo would get arrested.
And they're like, no, no.
It's anyone with a tattoo of a cop you've killed with his badge number.
You get arrested.
They captured all the Nate Diaz's.
All Nate Diaz's.
Yeah, they do look like Nate.
It's just Nate.
They're all going to stay there and go, what's up?
What's up, bro?
You got their country back.
Damn, the tattoo guys are actually cleaning up out there.
Wait, wait, let's see if we can see his badge tattoos.
Bro, look at that guy's face.
When you tattoo your face up like that, you are not fucking around.
So a lot of the face tattoos are loved ones they've raped.
No.
Did you just make it up?
No, I didn't just make it up.
What?
You get extra points for raping a mom, a sister, an aunt.
Your own mom?
Yeah, buddy.
Wow.
This can't.
It wasn't a great situation.
Where are you coming up with this?
Talking to El Salvadorans.
Oh, my God.
In El Salvador.
I think your Spanish was a little broken.
They had a soccer game.
It's non-existent.
Can you speak Spanish at all?
Oh, yeah.
They had a soccer game.
Say something.
Order pizza.
Yo quiero una pizza.
Oh, come on.
That was Yo Quiro Taco Bell with pizza.
They had a soccer game they played in the port town where they cut babies out
of a woman
and play soccer with it.
Oh, my God.
Hey, it makes soccer interesting.
Their gangs are trained by U.S., but pretty strong.
So they got rid of them.
What they did was nuts, though.
They just made these giant super prisons and just put everybody in there, and
the crime
dropped off a cliff.
Damn.
I went to Independence Day parade there.
It was wild how much everyone was like, what are you doing here?
This is wild.
Our guy is the best.
It's the only country where they're like, we love our guy.
It was wild.
Everyone else, we hate our guy.
They love their guy.
They wouldn't even let you in to Nicaragua.
Yeah, you got to pretend.
They wouldn't let Ari into Nicaragua.
Fake news.
Easy.
Fake news.
They love that guy.
They love that guy.
It was the first time they could go out in public and do anything.
What's the name?
What's the name of the El Sal?
He's half Arab.
They don't care.
What kind of Arab?
I don't know.
The good kind.
Is there?
Not Palestinian.
No, no, no.
I just mean Jewish.
Wow.
Is it Jewish?
I bet.
No, no.
The claim that specific face tattoos in El Salvador marked someone who was
raped a family member
is not supported by credible evidence.
By the way, what credible evidence do you get?
Talk to so many people there, so disagree with this.
It's hard to know because how many people are documenting this stuff in peer-reviewed
papers?
You know what I mean?
What is perplexity drawing from?
Yeah.
People on the streets are like, this is what happens.
Yeah.
Well, I'm sure a lot of it did happen.
I'm sure a lot of it happened.
There was a guy that used to be the fucking doorman at the improv, and he
showed me this
cartel video of this guy getting eaten by a pit bull, and it still haunts my
dreams.
He was tied up, arms and legs, and the pit bull was eating his dick.
The pit bull was just completely locked on this guy's cross, and this guy was
screaming.
Michael Dick.
And he goes, hey, man, check this out.
My friend sent me this from the cartel, and I'm like, why are you showing me
this?
I have to go do it on stage for 20 minutes.
Oh, man.
This is Dick Wolf.
Damn.
Dick Wolf.
I was trying to do the sound.
I couldn't do it.
In my head, I was thinking about doing it.
I couldn't think of it.
What?
That was pretty good.
I was like, James was doing sound.
That was damn good.
Michael Winslow.
Just that this giant-headed pit bull was locked on this guy's dick, and he was
screaming,
and I've never forgot it.
Well, yeah, the internet hit us at different ages like that, because I got hit
with those
when I was young.
You're right.
And I was like, that's enough.
Yeah.
They're not fun.
But if I was an adult and somebody showed me something horrific like that, that
does
stick with you.
Oh, yeah.
We have a text chain on the Instagram.
It's the worst shit that either one of us find on the internet.
They don't really toss those around anymore.
The cartel ones?
The cartel videos.
Yeah, this was-
You've got to find those now.
This was someone who was a cop sent it to this guy, and then this guy showed me.
God, the shit cops must see.
Oh, right?
Tough.
They need the Ibogaine.
They got high suicide.
Oh, very high.
Very high.
We-
All first responders.
They all have much higher suicide rates in general population.
You shouldn't see these.
That's not normal to see that much damage.
Imagine you're a guy who just shows up at car accidents every day.
Every day.
You see one.
You're like, I got to go to therapy.
Right.
You see a family.
Three a week.
Legs and splatter and dead babies and fucking moms.
Have somebody go, am I going to be okay?
And you're like, you look at his arm and leg over there, and you're like, fuck.
Yeah.
And people hate you on top of that.
That's true.
That sucks.
You can't win.
Especially cops.
But first responders, people don't even hate them.
Nobody really hates ambulance drivers.
No.
No.
Or firemen.
Or firemen.
Yeah.
Well-
That's crooked.
What?
They're not.
What?
Boys, we've got to wrap this up.
I don't think we do.
I think we just started.
We just started.
We're just getting cooking.
J-Mo's drunk.
You're not going anywhere, brother.
You're going to bong another beer and say something.
I've got to do a thing soon.
What do you have to do?
What the fuck was that?
You've got to do a thing in your kid's school.
Tonight?
Yeah, I've got to go to a thing in my kid's school.
Oh, you're going to reek a booze.
I'm going to be drunk for this.
You can bong one more, and then that's it, Joe.
What do you got?
A class play?
A thing.
I've got to go to a thing.
Show and tell?
You can bong a beer.
PTA?
No, I can't.
I can't.
You can bong a beer before kids.
No.
I've got to be out of here in a little bit.
I'm done.
Talent show?
I've got to go to the bathroom one more time, but we're not ending here.
One more time.
How many times have you gone to the bathroom?
Two.
You were already on three.
I haven't gone once, you fucking dirty.
You drank a beer.
I'm in a competition with you.
You're sipping a fucking bullseye.
I haven't even seen you refill that thing.
I make the noise every time.
Twice.
True.
Twice.
So nice to be back, boys.
It is.
It is good to be back.
This is so fun.
It is good to be back.
I don't want to speak out of school, but this might be the best one.
We missed you, dude.
It was weird not knowing where you were.
It was very uncomfortable.
I didn't like it.
Sorry.
I was completely fine with it.
Dude, when I texted you when I was back, you're like, who is this?
I was just like, hey, it's the Jew.
I say some very specific things.
You're like, who is this?
You know who the fuck it is.
You're like, yes, motherfucker.
Well, I still get a million.
I started getting text messages from an unknown number that knew things about
me.
I'm like, who the fuck is this?
Yes, you did that.
But I've been meaning to change my phone number for so long.
Every time a new one comes in, I'm like, oh, fuck this.
I got the same one since 7th grade.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, here we go.
Let's go.
Oh, kids.
This is Moscow whores.
No.
No, this is Florida.
Oakland, Palestine.
Oakland.
Wow.
Oakland is white.
This is what the Raiders played.
Did he?
Oh, that's the sunburn.
I will never get tired of this song.
Wow.
I'll never get tired of this song.
We can't go out on this because they can't hear it.
Yeah, following them.
Wait, they actually, they're not allowed to hear this?
I don't know.
Right?
We'll see what happens.
But yeah, that's a hell of a tune.
Let's get J-Mo on.
I went to see them recently in Texas.
Let's get the whole gang.
Really?
Yeah, but it's different.
Will you give J-Mo one?
I will.
It's like so many people are dead.
Right.
It's not the same band.
You got to see them when they're all there.
It's like.
Yeah.
It's like, it's a tribute band a little bit.
They did great.
It was still the great songs.
But part of you is like, ah, I wish the real guys were alive.
It's like, if you want to see a Hendrix tribute band, you just get sad.
Tribute band.
Right.
Yeah, you just get sad.
Like, I missed Hendrix.
I don't want to see Led Zepp again.
Well, you know what's weird?
It's like Journey.
They have like, that guy, Steve, what is his name?
The lead singer of Journey?
Steve Perry.
Steve Perry.
He's still alive.
Yeah.
And he doesn't sing for Journey anymore.
There's another guy who sings for Journey.
He's like a Filipino guy.
You can replace drummer.
You can replace guitar.
You cannot replace lead singer.
Right.
No way.
Exactly.
No.
You need a front man.
Although, I saw a foreigner.
Really?
With the new guy.
How was it?
Were they cooking?
I was so excited.
Yeah?
To see Jukebox Hero live, I saw that.
Jukebox Hero.
I saw a foreigner, sticks, and Def Leppard.
I was there for a foreigner.
With an arm?
And then I worked in a factory the next day at 4 a.m.
Damn.
That shit sucked.
What kind of factory?
What were you making?
No way!
I shoveled glue into a machine for 12 hours the next day.
Glue?
Glues and ice cream?
Throw up.
Yeah, we were making the packaging.
Glue?
We made the packaging.
Oh, wow.
That's crazy.
Did you get free ice cream?
That's crazy.
You could stick your hand in the ice cream.
We don't make the ice cream, you look.
We make the packaging in the ice cream.
Glue into a machine sounds like fucking a sex doll.
It was, yeah, a lot of glue.
Ari, when you decide when you're going to do these walkabouts, like, how far
out?
Well in advance.
Probably like a year.
So, like, how much time between now and the next walkabout?
No plans for the next one, yeah.
You've done Asia, you've done South America.
Asia, South America.
You should go to Russia.
Russia?
No interest in Russia.
Yeah, go to Zimbabwe.
Go get arrested, faggot.
Africa would be cool.
Yeah, do it, pussy.
Go to Siberia, idiot.
Go to Ghana.
Go to Ghana.
Go to fucking Gaza.
I don't know where it'd be next.
I dare you.
Gaza's got no good coffee shops.
Not anymore.
They're roasted.
I bet they did.
I bet they did.
They did.
They definitely did.
Jesus Christ.
Off the cuff.
Off the cuff.
You son of a bitch.
Yeah, I don't know where it's next.
Yeah, where else could you go?
Yeah, where?
You've done everywhere.
I want to go back to Asia.
There's more of Asia.
There's a lot of Asia.
There's a lot of Asia.
There's a lot of Asia.
There's a lot of Asia.
No, I know.
I really want to go to the Philippines.
Bombshell sex harassment suit against...
Who's that guy?
Lorna.
This video has nothing to do with it.
J.P. Morgan branded complete fabrication as John Doe unmasked.
What is this?
You're showing us.
This is the story we were talking about earlier today.
Oh, with the lady?
Yeah.
That's the guy who made up the story?
Yeah.
That's the guy.
That's the guy.
So this is the guy who worked there?
I knew it was fabricated, dude.
I knew.
So everything is fabricated.
Everything in the world is fabricated.
Let me see the guy.
So what is this?
Show Lorna again.
Go down and show the girl.
Indian Jared Fogel.
Oh, hello.
Think of her being like...
Not bad.
Wood.
But imagine her.
She's walking around and everybody thinks that she said those horrible things
and talked
about her tits like they're cannons.
Cannons.
I'm so sorry if you were embarrassed about your bush.
I'm not embarrassed.
So this guy just made it all up?
Yeah, look at it, dude.
Is that the alleged...
That's the face of a horny man.
A virgin.
He's got a fucking Leno nose.
Hmm.
He does.
Have you seen this?
Have you heard about the cannons?
Now deleted court papers.
Ah, the cannons.
Ah, he fell down a hill.
Whoa.
He even turned up unannounced at Ronna's apartment and forced him to have sex.
Oh, that was the...
That was the...
That was the lie.
It was a lie.
Well, good for her.
She's been exonerated.
A lady got to force you to have sex.
She categorically denies the allegation.
She never engaged in any inappropriate conduct with this individual of any kind
and has never
been to the location where the alleged sexual assault supposedly took place.
It's not sexual assault if a girl...
No.
Yeah, what are we going to force you?
Like, what are we talking about?
Go, come on.
Just say, come on 20 times in a row.
And you literally can't sexually assault a guy.
I lost my virginity to a hooker when I was 16.
She was probably 50.
It was the best night of my life.
I'm a survivor.
Oh, man, look at their posts and pretty pictures.
What about Winona Ryder?
You heard about her?
Jamiroquai?
What?
No, she didn't Jamiroquai?
No, Jamiroquai and her used to fuck and he said, I couldn't keep up with her.
She wanted to bang so much.
Wow.
It was, like, annoying.
Jamiroquai's making a comeback.
I believe what I should be discovering.
He shouldn't after that story.
Yeah.
I know.
It's not a good look.
He's like, go home.
Think about it.
He said she had huge tits and it was a problem.
They were bigger than they looked.
Pull it up, J-Mo.
I jerked off to it.
You got to train for that.
You got to work out.
You got to go, hey.
You got to be prepared for that level of the game.
He wasn't ready.
The lights were too bright.
How crazy is that?
Winona Ryder, like, imagine kicking her out of bed and, like, you want to fuck
too much.
And this is, like, 30 years ago.
You're sad about it.
You're going to Jamiroquai?
Jamiroquai, delete that.
Jamiroquai.
Nope.
No, keep it in.
Keep it in.
It was actually good, but you're just, your likability is the issue.
It's a really good joke.
If I said it, we'd all be going, ah!
Jamiroquai is such a weird name.
What was his big song?
He had that one really good song.
Virtual Insanity.
Yeah, sick-ass music video where he was dancing on a movie.
Oh, they dance a really cool, yeah.
No, Jamiroquai rules.
Yeah, that one.
What was the song?
Oh, Huge Mommy Milkers is what he said about her tits.
There was a bunch of memes going around.
No, thanks.
Are we sure that this is true, though?
Did he really say this?
There it is.
What's a Mommy Milker?
The memes about the shocking viral story.
Look how hot she was.
She was very good.
She was hot, and she liked to shoplift.
She's your kind of girl, Norm.
Oh, yeah, big fan.
You guys should shoplift together.
Oh, yeah.
I'll show her some strange things.
Wow.
Her boobs are too big, and she wanted to have sex.
Why did they have to cross out sex?
What happened to America?
It's an algorithm thing.
It's just like things don't get suppressed.
Gross.
I know.
Boobs are too big.
Well, it's everything.
What does that mean?
You know, on TikTok, you can't use a juice box emoji.
That's right.
Because people are using it for the juice.
Yes.
But we love juice boxes.
Yeah, but they don't sweat.
A free juice box?
Free juice box, buddy.
Jews are all about that.
But now the Jews own TikTok.
That's right.
Really?
I think.
Did it go through?
Yeah.
What's that guy's name?
They took it from China and sold it to...
They purchased it at a reasonable rate.
Ellison?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ellison's Jewish?
Yeah.
You got to see that face.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Wait till you see the mug.
It looks like his mantle.
Yeah, I think...
Well, it's like they own TikTok now, and I think they're trying to own...
The weather?
ABC.
The weather?
Was that thing true about Iran?
What?
The drought?
That they shot down some weather station, and then all of a sudden started
raining like
crazy in Iran.
Oh!
But then I read that that's horse shit, and that they experience the same
amount of rain
every year.
So that's the thing.
You can't buy into all those...
Those are conspiracies created by...
Uh-huh!
You guys are hilarious.
They go, you guys are dumb as shit.
You'll believe we created the weather.
Well, not created the weather, control it, of course.
But then you go, but you definitely bombed kids.
And that's not a conspiracy.
Right.
But also...
They bombed everybody.
The US has bombed way more children.
Stolen rain.
What do you mean?
Stolen rain?
The United States has killed way more children than what you're talking about.
Oh, but...
That's true.
Can we do this?
The way you guys did, where it was...
Look at this story.
Yeah, you guys.
I don't know.
Well, you're going against the US, so...
Shane, look at this story.
As fighting escalated in air corridors were restricted, social media posts
alleged that
cloud-seeding aircraft used by the US and its allies have been grounded,
causing
stolen rains to return.
So we've been stealing rains from Iran for a long time?
Wow, look at that Jerusalem post.
Look how dope that building is.
Look at that building.
Is that an Iranian building?
Looks like it.
That building is dope as fuck.
That's really cool.
We should make up...
When I buy a ranch, when I buy a ranch, we should cause that, make that our
podcast studio.
I don't know.
Don't...
Make it look just like that.
I'm not sure you want that.
I think AI is going to detect it and blow it up.
Let's see what it says on the outside.
I'm not walking in there.
Maybe it says something cool.
Yeah.
Fuck yeah.
In Arabic?
Fuck yeah.
It says America?
Fuck yeah in Arabic.
The Arabic writing is dope as fuck, though.
They invented it.
It looks cool.
It looks pretty slick.
They invented writing?
Where'd you hear that?
Well, numbers, I should say.
I thought that was cool.
They came up with numbers.
What did Greek do?
We didn't give them that.
But look.
Thanks, guys.
What a great episode we had.
We had a good run.
Hey, should we get dinner?
I'm starving.
Fun times, boys.
Ah, jeez.
Next one.
Next one.
Two months.
Let's do two months.
Let's keep them regular.
Two months?
Come on.
We can do it.
I can do two months.
Come on.
We're in May right now.
Is it May yet?
It's close.
It's May 1st.
Tomorrow's May 1st.
Tomorrow's May?
Yeah.
Today, when it comes out, it's May 1st.
He's got to go.
A lot of editing for JMO.
June 13th.
Just the end part.
Speaking of the end.
This is the end.
Available at ari-shafir.com right now.
Starring Shane Gillis and Mark Norman.
Available at ari-shafir.com.
There it is.
The end.
Look at all those people.
Look how terrible Bobby Kelly looks.
Mark Norman, look at you, handsome son of a bitch.
You belong in that period of time.
I wish.
I got a Netflix special out.
Check it out.
Let's bump it back up.
And Tuesday stories, we might be drunk.
Let's fucking go.
Jews killed Jesus.
Tyre's new season.
When's the new season coming out?
I don't know if I'm allowed to say.
Should be around August.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
Love you guys.
Love you guys.
Shout out to everybody out there listening.
The parks are saved.
Jihad.
Jihad.