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Joey Diaz is a standup comic, actor, and author. He's the host of "The Church of What's Happening Now," and the author of "Tremendous: The Life of a Comedy Savage." www.youtube.com/@JoeyDiaz www.joeydiaz.net
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The most popular episodes of 2015 (Youtube views)
your problem with brian's fucking microphone listen to that goddamn fan god
that fan sucks
yeah until you when you turn your mic up and down when you're gonna have to do
that when you talk
because that microphone's dog yeah just keep you careful you drink there
the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day
you're right that thing's loud as heck out over here yeah are we live yeah okay
yeah that thing's
loud as we have a problem here folks it's not a major problem we have this uh
new tricaster set up hd joe diaz we're in hd now but unfortunately the tricaster
has fans on it it's
super noisy where uh brian's microphone is positioned maybe i could just sit
over there
till we fix this sit over there yeah sit over there we'll throw a camera on you
and let jamie run it
fuck it yeah come on over here be one of us come over to the big boys table uh
we uh we got this
tricaster set up and it's pretty sweet it's because a lot of people watch this
on their televisions you
know you take like uh chromecast or you just uh use an htmi cable there's a
bunch of different ways you
could do it and you send or you could use that apple thing where you throw it
to apple tv and you can watch
it on apple tv what is that called uh apple tv airplay airplay yeah so anything
that's on your
computer you could watch on tv you just shoot it to that and if you're using
the uh air that's how it
works right yeah do it from your ipad or your iphone or anything like that yeah
it's pretty sweet
so we're moving into 2015 joe diaz it's crazy we're taking to the next my wife
canceled cable did she
really yeah she kept some package she said that's it we live on netflix i love
it well i gotta tell
you i love it i love it too i love it i ain't gonna lie to you when i come home
at night from comedy
netflix and i unwind and i can watch whatever the i want yeah a buddy of mine
worked for sci-fi
for 20 years and he said i got it once because i would watch how my children
would watch tv
and i knew that they were on to something yeah kids yeah and i kept going to
sci-fi and telling
them and they were like you know what you're talking about he quit and he
started his own
youtube channel horror show and he's killing them but it's funny how even my
daughter
goes nuts when a commercial comes on when she's watching bubble guppies and the
commercial comes on
she too and she looks at me like because she's not used to it on netflix when i
put on dora or
whatever yeah the grinch that stole christmas or whatever there's no
commercials so for her it's
fucking that so i watched her the other day i'm like look at this yeah even a
two-year-old tells
you that commercial suck ass yeah they're not fun it's it's unnecessary and it
ruins the the vibe
of the show i watched the walking dead almost entirely on netflix or on apple
tv rather but i um i
decided uh to to record it on my dvr one night and i tried watching it on on
regular tv oh it's
fucking awful i watched it oh that's what it was i watched it live without
recording it because you
can't watch it on apple tv until the next day so it came out on sunday so i
watched it live so we
just paused it and walked away for 20 minutes and came back so we could fast
forward through all the
bullshit but it's like every fucking 15 minutes they have this big break and
the show stops and
it's it's a dumb way to intrude on television it's like for whatever reason
they started doing it like
that and they stuck with it and some guys do it like that with podcasts like i
love adam carolla but
adam carolla does commercials like a radio show he just he does them all the
time he does them every 15
minutes you know he's like he's got like breaks like hard breaks just like a
radio show you know i
mean guess that's the world he came from so he decided to just do it that way
well these new uh marketing
agencies that contact you now they they're trying to ruin you they dangle big
money at you but they
want you to read 18 times a show you can't do that it becomes what we went to
get away from yeah you
know so no i don't interrupt i won't interrupt i do it before i do it
afterwards i'll put on
twitter if i think it's a good product and i enjoy it i'll do it but i'll do it
with no contract like
if i if i tweet something like if you see me tweet something about nature box
it's because i like it
like i got these sriracha cashews they're the i love them i love them so i i
tweet it like there's
no agreement i don't have it there's no like you have to tweet this five times
a week there's none of
that way so i don't interrupt any podcasts and i don't because i don't i don't
want that when i'm
listening to stuff i like stuff to go all the way through to the end and i'd be
more inclined to
support something that supported that than i would be to inclined support
something that's that same
old system that system sucks man that every 15 minute system you don't do it
you don't have
commercials on any of your i don't do any commercial yeah none at all that's
silly you need to make some
money well i usually just say hey go do if you want to help out just go to shop
squad and then
that just takes care of everything in one little swoop are we rocking the split
screen now old school
like like the old days oh we're going old but we're going new again now we have
i'm sorry what's in
between apple tv and netflix well netflix is incorporated in apple tv so if you
have an apple tv
there's netflix in there you just got to sign up for an account but you said
that apple comes out the next
day netflix yeah no netflix doesn't have uh i don't think they have the walking
dead if they
do it's probably like the earlier seasons with apple you buy the whole season
like you rent a season
and you can watch like all the episodes at once which is legit if you haven't
done do you watch walking
dead no i'm scared of that you you know when i was a kid i went to the one we
would get high and go to
dawn of the dead and those type of movies you know and that was george romero
was the
fucking crazy when i was a kid that's the guy that made all those yeah night of
the living dead and
i still remember that one thing with the black guys yelling mama mama and he
stands next to the
helicopter and the helicopter just cuts the top of his head off oh god i just
never and i you
know i don't know it's not for me people walking around like zombies and i have
fucking nightmares and stuff so i don't watch nothing american horror story is
probably one of the scariest
motherfucking shows i've turned down and lasted for like 13 or 14 minutes is it
really that lady's
fucking scary dog oh yeah what is her name again she used to be good looking
hot as yeah hot as
fucking we were young what is her name god damn it's not angelica houston
something like that not
angelica houston the other one she was in uh the mailman always rings twice the
postman always
rings twice god damn she was hot back then what is her name man she tried jessica
lang jessica
lane yes that's who it is you know she was uh faye ray in the king kong remake
the uh dino de lorientis
is that his name uh king kong remake with rick baker which is like that was
like the second king kong
there was like the the old school king kong it's a stop-motion claymation that
looked like
shit but then uh rick baker did a version of king kong that was super
sophisticated for the time
and uh she was jessica lang was the the fey rain she was hot as well when jack
nicholson put her on the
table and in that movie it was tremendous look at it she looked great she yeah
she was smoldering but
you know what man she as an actress like or an actor i guess you say it doesn't
need to be gender
specific she holds her own right now she is as good as anybody man she's so
creepy on that show
she's so like powerfully creepy you know like there's like there's there's just
a realism to her
the crazy that she projects it scares the out of me man she's on there too the
one that played tina
turner with uh with uh is she she's in the new season i haven't watched the
seasons the fat chick
from the cutoff jack khan's legs james khan's leg and kathy bates is in the
baby oh my god she's a
motherfucker it's a scary ass fucking show my wife watches do you have to watch
the older seasons to
be caught up or is it a new season a totally new story i don't know how it
works man you just tune
in and freak out and get out of the room i sit down for like eight minutes i
watch jessica lang i watch the
black chick and i get the out of there that's hilarious i can't deal with that
at all
i watched angel heart i couldn't sleep for angel heart was on a couple weeks
ago and i stayed up
and watched it scared the out of me it's really well written because they set
up the first episodes
i don't want to give any spoilers but a family moves into this house and uh jessica
lang is like
the neighbor or she comes by and she comes by like unannounced it's real creepy
how she does it
and you know you know she's fucking nuts and so you the guy's there with his
wife and his children
and you're like oh fuck like this is gonna end terrible it like draws you in
like right away you
get nervous and you feel freaked out like right away do you have hulu joey did
you ever get hulu i
think so yeah i quit uh my cable also and hulu is actually one of the best ones
because you you can do
shows usually the day after or then at the same day like south park's a good
one on there if you like
south park what uh networks do they have what networks they have a lot of fox
ones they have uh
brooklyn 99 yeah they have a lot of nbc like saturday night live and stuff like
that it's it's
it's a nice blend of all the the main networks and also they also have movies
on there so it's a nice
little change uh from also amazon prime is another thing if you have amazon
prime you get access to
all of amazon prime stuff awesome they have their own shows uh and you can also
rent movies through
them which is nice so wow yeah it's all the options that are available today
you're not the first person
to tell me either i have several friends that have cancer people said i don't
want to do a buck and a
half no more i'm not doing it yeah it seems ridiculous i'm not doing it netflix
is seven bucks a month
i mean it's seven dollars yeah like that's so insane and the other one's 8.99
yeah so for 20
you got everything and i think cbs just announced that they have something for
like five bucks and
you just get all the cbs which is silly because you can get it for free already
but i guess the
convenience of downloading whatever you want hbo's going right yeah so if you
just want to watch
game of thrones yeah yeah you just go hbo online right hbo online it's pretty
much becoming other
cart which is something that i've always wanted in a cable company being able
to pick and choose which
uh channels you want cable companies are screwed yeah and when you develop a
show like if you when i
was doing that sci-fi show you film the show you edit it and once it's edited
then it has to wait
for you know whatever night it's on tuesday night at eight o'clock whatever it
is and then you wait for
it to go on and then the show broadcasts live tuesday night at eight and they
sandwich in a bunch of
shit that you don't want to see so in between that you're watching prilosec
commercials and
fucking toyota commercials and all this that you don't give a fuck you're just
being they're they're
literally with your experience just come on buy me come on buy this hey what
about this i feel better
look at my wife look at my car next one what about us you could buy us too what
about us do you have
insurance is your insurance run by a lizard and they have all this goofy and
you you it
ruins your experience they don't have to do that anymore what are they going to
do for commercials
product placements i think mostly even grosser and i think that's the the
reason why we're paying
a monthly subscription fee if you're like holding up a soda yeah i know why he
killed her it's done
right though south park is a good example of them doing it right where they
actually i think have
sponsors but they just trashed the sponsor the whole time and really yeah
because i don't know where
that just one episode they'll be doing like uh like dr pepper but yet that they
just talk mad
on dr pepper the whole time you could talk on dr pepper and dr pepper is
basically invincible yeah
like as long as you're talking about dr pepper unless it's killing anybody it's
not killing anybody
but if you want to talk about the way dr pepper tastes you ain't affecting
anybody you know i noticed
that one night i was watching diane soy the day that said something who's the
guy who's the guy that said oh
rush limbaugh what did he say he took pills you know oh he was yeah 20 years
ago but then a couple
years ago on his radio show he said something i'm sitting there watching diane
sawyer and she pops up
on the screen and all of a sudden they pop up the sponsors that left them those
sponsors were like
rush limbaugh we just hit the jackpot that's what they don't really realize if
they sponsor joey
diaz's radio show and he says whoever whatever genre group and they get rid of
them diane sawyer's and i
come up and go did you hear what happened to joey diaz today look and also they
show american airline
delta delta's going we didn't lose we 6 30 diane sawyer right that's as good as
it gets yeah
that's it they didn't lose so either way you don't lose because they mention
you nobody loses they don't
really fucking lose did you see what happened with uh here's a perfect example
and i'm not trashing
adam kroll like i said i love adam but adam uh had this chick uh allison who
was on her show
and he just decided he wanted to try something different which is his prerogative
but here's what
happened her show shot through the fucking ratings it was number one out of all
podcasts on itunes
and you know why because people responded because she's really nice like allison
rosen is really nice
and really smart and she's a good podcaster so like i think and i i even sent
her an email i said
you're going to be fantastic on your own like you don't need anybody like it's
probably better for
her to be completely independent because i think her show could be really
profitable it could be really
good and i think when you're that smart and that opinionated you should have
your own show i mean
she's really good people always liked her yeah people have always had a
following she's great
and she had her own show for a long time i was supposed to know she still has
it allison rosen is
your best friend or your new best friend so she got fired her show just shot
shot through the
fucking radio the roof and i think that just shows you that like if you if if
if it gets out there if
there's controversy like oh allison got fired poor allison poor allison what
are you crazy she's number one
now she's number one she shot past all of us she probably because there were so
many online stories
about it and you know because the timing was really bad for her you know well
yeah yeah yeah she just
died dog died and she was out of town and it was done by email you know there
was like a lot going on
with it but you know hey man i the guy should be able to do whatever the he
wants to do with his show
but the bottom line is like she showed that she was really good on the show and
then the controversy of
him firing her was huge it was way better than him like giving her like some
title or a promotion or
you know like if he announced allison rosen been vice president of controversy
at adam carolla
enterprises nobody would give a fuck but her getting fired for it like if if
you got on the radio and
you were like the pope fuck castro fuck all these cocksuckers suck my dick and
then you know nature box
pulled out and everybody got crazy we're no longer sponsoring the joey and it
was a big all over these
websites nature box pulls out of the joey diaz podcast you would get hundreds
of thousands more
downloads that week hundreds of thousands look at what's his name uh two and a
half baby man charlie
sheen he got fired drugs hookers blow fuck fx is right there with an envelope
not only would they have
an envelope they gave him the stupidest deal anyone's ever given anybody ever
he made all the episodes
they had they did a hundred episode deal and they make them over a really short
period of time so
they're just churning out scripts like you i don't have to tell you it takes
time to write something
good sometimes it doesn't sometimes you have the best idea like you'll hear
about quentin tarantino he did
blow he ran up to his apartment real quick and he just spent the next six hours
writing a script to
you know pulp fiction 2 or some shit occasionally that does happen like um
hunter thompson wrote most of
his uh charlie the the the book he wrote about uh hell's angels he wrote most
of it coked up like in
one night like most of it like he finished up the book like in one night just
rattled out it is possible
but most of the time you gotta spend time you gotta do revisions so they're not
doing any of that they're
just slamming them out there and if it went past x amount of episodes i forget
what the deal was
they had to film all 90 so he got this huge deal so he made like 900 million
dollars or something
stupid or 90 million dollars just some ungodly sum of money from that deal
something with a nine in it
jamie would know i bet jamie knows the exact number but he's got it tattooed
well he was talking
about it all morning today i love gossip jamie the whole idea makes me laugh
but it's the
the controversy for for anything is almost like worth doing that's why you know
people they stir
up on purpose like anybody that's in like the reality show business they like
they're all they're
doing is just controversy controversy controversy can we get some controversy
if we have controversy we
got a show controversy i mean that's all they're trying to sell that's all they're
trying to sell
but you can see right through it you can i can't let's see reality this is this
is the white chick
who caught the black husband with a transvestite and took him back and the show's
on e and she's like
what do i do it's such a tough he was with a transvestite you get rid of that
freak and now
she took him back again and now they're on season eight and you know who even
cares about that
broad i don't give a people care if they put them on the cover of a magazine
like if you cut on the
cover of a magazine and that's what you sell like those reality star type
people it just has to be
they're on the cover and then something happens she dumped him for this guy
there's a more handsome
guy shit that now he's in the dumps that's all you need to do and all you need
to do and then
people go well what happens next what happens to him what happens to her will
they be reunited will
she forgive him will he forgive her ah they got me hooked i mean you don't even
know what kim kardashian's
voice sounds like do you understand that like you would not be able to tell
that if kim kardashian
was doing a commercial for delta you wouldn't be like oh that's kim kardashian
but if like say um
what's her name uh from friends uh no the other one phoebe cates yeah what's
what's her no not
phoebe cates lisa kudrow lisa kudrow thank you let's gossip jamie you hear how
funny it is when he
turns the mic on i know that's turn it on for a second just so everybody can
hear the fan
that is so stupid ridiculous that's so stupid we're working it out we're
working now the video
looks beautiful though um what is her name again uh courtney cox jenna lisa kudrow
lisa kudrow
fucking guys that big tip of his fingers have you ever seen very talented cox's
show no i have not
with the fucking plastic surgery oh i've seen her and they put they put friends
before some nights on
late tnt just to fuck with her well sometimes they have that yeah they have her
on tnt and something
on tbs they have friends on tbs and kugatown you're in a hotel room after doing
a show and you go and
there they are and you're like oh my god what the happened that plastic surgery
those chicks do it
doesn't make them look better it just makes them look different you know it's
like when you start
shooting into your face to freeze it up and puff your cheeks up to hide
wrinkles it does not make you
look better it just makes you look different and there's the uncanny valley you
know what the uncanny valley is
they do this is a term they use for video games where with cgi they're really
close to being able to
completely replicate what a person normally looks like don't pull up her face
no no no i'm not
don't be rude you son of a bitch this motherfucker he's gonna um uncanny valley
like there's like um
there's some videos that you can see now like that nvidia has created where
they are so close to it
looking what is this what are you showing it shows you all the different steps
they're not seeing
him this is for us oh it's all the different versions of the uncanny valley i'll
pop it up so
they can okay well let me just explain the term don't you don't don't don't
pull this up
um the the term that they use in in you're confusing the out yeah i have no
idea what's going on this
has nothing to do with that that's a different uncanny valley the the uncanny
valley that we're
talking about is the difference between cgi like high level cgi and a person
like it's so close but
there's something creepy about it and that's what they call it the uncanny
valley there's this valley
that they can't quite cross like did you see the dead eye yeah well did you see
the uh the latest nvidia
shit have you seen that uh nothing i'm pretty sure we could show that show nvidia's
latest technology
for uh cgi oh the guy's yeah the guy's face we we saw it in person me and todd
messero from uh
my tv show we went to see it in person uh in northern california that's it that's
the guy
it's incredible man but it still hasn't bridged that uncanny valley we can show
this on the podcast yeah
this is uh all nvidia's technology and they have pores they have sweat but they
what they can't do
is tongues so when the guy's talking they can't quite do tongues and the teeth
look a little weird
his eyes look dead yeah but god damn that's pretty close it is that's getting
real close
but there's still something about it where you're like man i don't know they
got skin down and they but
they don't have edge down like the edge detection around the forehead you can
see it's a little
weird yeah like a green screen right it's yeah yeah it's like the difference
between the the real
well it's also why is everything in the background blurry yeah you know well i
guess that's just a
sample but still it's but you're pretending what this is an old school camera
is that what you're doing
like why is that all why that's all blurry like that that's ridiculous
and his head's floating but that's that's like real close
but they still they can't do that yet you know they can't i don't know why we're
bringing up the
uncanny valley lisa because of people with plastic surgery that's right because
they got that uncally
valley that's what it is they all look the same and they're all starting to
look creepier and creepier
and they're not all going to be happy till they all look like walking dead or
something like that
they're all going to be they're all going to be hanging out together oh yours
looks great did you
get it done no you don't look great you look like a something you look monstrous
they start
looking monstrous they it's uh it's unfortunate and it looks you know it looks
crazy like you're a
crazy person like you're doing you you know it's not like some tribal thing
where you're doing like
some tribal scarring on your face the women from mob wives have you ever seen
those women no the big
one big ang i just saw her last night when i was scrolling yeah oh my god they
just she's shooting
like jail sunning she's just shooting the constantly all those women those east
coast women the fake
tits the the fat taking off their body the tightening the legs the the ass
implants you can put implants
in your ass by the way dog i've been torturing this hooker for about a month
what hooker bobby slayton
style just tortured tortured you know who there's i went to 7 11 one night on
magnolia there and i come
out there's a black girl in the jeep that is banging and she comes out she goes
are you a stand-up
i'm like yeah she goes i really like to get into stand-up i'd like to talk more
about it i go there's
an open mic at the haha go down there she goes i've been down there but the guy's
rude to me and all this
shit so i go down there like three weeks later and i see you and i'm like hey
man you've been trying
this she goes no i'm still taking notes i mean this chick is gorgeous she's i'm
still taking notes but
you can tell there's something not right you know when there's something not
right so she's like you
know i just need somebody to take me under their wing and do it to me and all
this stuff can i give you
digits and i'll give you a call and then she started with the calls you know
how are you
i'm like i'm fine she goes when can we i can't you know i can't teach you
comedy you got to go out
there and do it you know blah blah blah and then finally i would go well go
here you know go over
there go to fly i don't know where else to go and i wouldn't talk to her for
weeks at a time and
she called me like where are you going to i'm going to the comedy store can you
talk to them for
me i can't get you up at the comedy store and then one day she started talking
about how jeep blew up
and she needs a thousand dollars you know right there i just started giggling
like i i just knew now
once they do that you're intrigued right to see where it goes now you want to
talk to them right
because she's trying to play you right so then finally i got the call one day
she's like are you
going to be home in the next 10 minutes can i call you back i'm busy right now
yeah
and i know she's got to be like a stripper or something you know because she
disappears
like like she'll call me like at eight and go are you doing comedy tonight yeah
i'm doing the spot 11
all right i'm gonna come see you and then i'll never see it and then she'll
call me like a week later
and go she always disappears if it's after like 10. so she does something right
you know what i'm saying
so finally she called me one night and i just i'm like i i don't even want to
talk to this i i can't
even have fun with her right because she's trying to lie to me i at least if
she would just tell me
she was a hooker i would torment right so finally the clouds parted and she's
like you know i really
need this thousand dollars i really need 2700 but i could take a thousand to
help me out so you need
2700 but i could take a thousand take a thousand but i could take a thousand to
help me out like you're
like well i don't know she's a dj supposedly she's a dj she djs too that's why
i don't see her late night
because i'm a dj you know okay what do you dj oh i just do independent parties
really what do you make
500 a night then what the you need a thousand for well you know they want 3 000
for my jeep and
shit so i finally said this is crazy i'm not going to give her any money so the
other night
i pull up at 7 11 i'm not going to give her no money joe you're crazy i pull up
at 7 11 i see her at the
counter and i'm sitting with lee and she comes out she's like how come you won't
return my calls no
more what's wrong with you i go listen i've just been busy you know i'm doing
comedy over the valley
down over the hill you're never around i can't help you she's like you really
got to help me with
that money me and leah howling because i told lee about me and leah howling she
hasn't seen you in
a week and she's right up to you you really got to help me with that money you
really got to help me
with that paper so i said all right let me drop lee home and i'll call you so i
called and i go listen
how much do you need she was a thousand bucks i go listen i'm not just going to
give you a thousand
bucks she goes then what do you want to do i go well if i give you a thousand
bucks i'm going to put
it in every orifice in your body and there was like silence you know i'm not
going to this chick
you know i know i know you're just playing i'm just pushing i hate when women
try to play you like
just tell me you want to suck dick and i'll give you the gino and she still
refuses she's like i don't
know what you're talking listen if i give you the thousand i'm gonna stick it
in your ass i mean this
and she's like okay and finally she said okay she broke she goes where are we
gonna go oh i'll take
into a hotel wherever the fuck you know oh that's hilarious and i go meet me on
the corner by the
gym now that bitch is still waiting she's been calling me since thursday night
every hour at the
hour where you at boo where you at boo i need that money you gotta help me with
that paper i'll go
half-sees with somebody if you want to go nothing bothers me more i want the
bottom half though nothing
bothers me i gotta tell you something brian she's amazing yeah 7 11 corner of
what jersey yeah we'll
talk magnolia and magnolia and 7-eleven dude you're giving out her spot come on
joey you're blowing up
her spot she needs a thousand dollars someone's gonna go down there and go you
know joey dia's been
talking about you i don't give a fuck she needs a thousand dollars i ain't
gonna give it to her
someone's gonna find her and put a camera in her face listen to me there's a
black chick for months
that's a 10 with a blonde wig that i've seen her walk in that studio in fact
she hangs out outside
of gelson's and waits for old jewish red old men really i've seen her i've
parked there my wife
has gone to galsons i waited outside with the baby and seen her with a blonde
wig i've been in that coffee
shop when she walks by and everybody looks at it she's young she's young
because she came into the
coffee shop once and she started asking us questions about where this at like
playing us you know like
just in case somebody said you look good right well i ain't busy right now what
are you doing you can
tell she's right they get away with it oh yeah she's a professional the young
girl does it right she
she doesn't wear the heels she has the backpack you know she's the real deal i've
seen her up and
down that fucking thing for months so this girl if you do it right they you
know they get away with
it with the backpack and no sexy clothes you want a blonde wig black and blonde
wig it always makes
me think transgender black and blonde yeah black black red headed wig they're
good yeah that's the
brian test yeah her hair is bright orange blonde wig is weird on a black lady
oh okay it just looks kind of like it's odd disguisey well it's you know you
should be able to wear
whatever the you want to wear but when i see like a chinese chick with blonde
hair an asian chick with
blonde hair or a black chick with blonde hair i'm like you look good with black
hair like you don't
have to do that right but what difference does it make eve looks good with
blonde hair who's eve eve the
chick from that tv show the rapper what tv show is that i don't know eve jamie
you know what it is
what's the name is from like the 90s early 2000s she's tall she's tall she's in
barbershop
she has blonde hair not this guy that looks like the old manager from the
comedy store
eve is from philadelphia right there oh but she looks good with she's big joe
rogan that's a big mama
that's a pretty girl yeah she's good looking i like it look at her yeah she's
in barbershop but i think
she wears a blonde wig that's that's her hair bleached blonde it looks like
that's nice no she's
banging guys and she's tall well so many black chicks wear weaves you know
which is really strange like
they they wear hair like kind of sewn into their hair have you ever smelled it
it smells funny yeah
it's got oils and stuff i've hugged the funny like carrot top or funny funny
funny like gasoline and odors like like she'll explode if i had a joint next to
her ear
i gotta think there'd be some fermenting going on right and it's hard it's it's
not like i never
mind i can't say that story but you feel the the weave when you run your
fingers through it yeah you
can't really it feels like plastic there's a whole bunch of different kinds
like tiffany haddish had
one that was like plastic where it felt like it looked like the predator's hair
and have you seen
tiffany haddish's hair lately now she just has this humongous like 70s fro nice
and every time
she's in a picture with somebody it looks like she's like in between two ferns
it's great yeah we know
this documentary jamie shut all this hair so weaves is like what the blonde
girl had uh yes we
that's a weave i'm talking about what black girls have like yeah that's a weave
too okay it's a hair
i was confused we can get a weave yeah guys can get weaves yeah they just sew
your hair onto other hair
like nicholas cage and all his movies yeah he gets a fucking weave and
everything well they also have
these these wigs that have what it's like a lace front so it looks like your
skin like they glue
it to your head and it looks like the hair is coming right out of your skin
until you get right
up in there and you're like what the fuck's going on there hmm yeah they don't
have that downright
either because it like it's there's that show undercover boss i don't know if
you ever see that
where they take like a ceo of like boston market and then he gets thrown in as
a regular employee
at one of their stores and it's cool because he catches all the things wrong
with his store
and people don't know but they always give him like the dumbest like fake
mustache and it looks
so fake and like all the employees have to be like all right what is this
undercover boss like there's
something employees are probably all in on it yeah it's probably all horse yeah
then there's so much
of those shows they're faking like what i'm in trouble what like so many of
them are set up in advance
and especially ones that make people look bad because you got to think like
what how much they
going to pay these this person to ruin their life what are they going to give
you 1500 bucks like
what scale on one of those shows they're going to ruin your life and you agree
to this they can't just
film you and put you on television like you have to sign a waiver yeah well
they say how they do that
is they say it's a different reality show it's like this is a reality show
about a guy that's
he's a waiter at this table and we're giving him the opportunity to own his own
restaurant so it's like
it's like another game show that's not undercover boss that's how they sign the
papers and they
oh so it's deception yes that seems like they can get sued well it's deception
by its own company
that they work for so i think it's kind of there's like that loophole what a
once you cast a check
they ain't no going back this poor kid's gonna make it ten bucks an hour you
give him a check for 600 a
day once you cash that check they know going back jack you know that's that's
there's a lot of those
shows now too it's amazing how easy it is to make one of those shows they're
still hidden camera
shows yeah did you know that my friends still executive produce hidden cameras
well howie mandel
has that show right he has a show where he does hidden camera things where you
make money the more
you get people to do like you gotta tell your wife you're leaving her for a man
and you know like
and you get like 500 bucks for that you get more for more things you do it's
like i did that show for
cbs years ago like six years ago it was called game show in my head and i we
would put like this little
earpiece in these people and then they would go out and we would make them do
on camera like we we had
this guy um put him in the middle of uh hollywood and uh told him they gave him
a suit and put some uh
news cameras like like it was a news camera show and had these people come over
and you had to uh
tell people that you were there to talk to someone who was a witness for a ufo
and uh they took
off and you got to ask these other people would you pretend it was you would
you pretend that you
saw this ufo and uh you got to get them to admit that they were taking aboard
the aircraft and that
they were probed that they did some medical examinations on them and they got
people to do it
yeah that's how i knew that all that that's that was like a huge eye-opener for
me about how full of
shit people are when it comes to ufos everybody's talking about it yeah it came
down the field and it
wasn't from earth i've seen a lot of airplanes on tv didn't look nothing like
that and it was spinning
around our circle and there was no doors and i saw these little those people
are full of
shit there's a giant percentage of those people you put a camera in front of
their face and they
just start talking and that we we didn't have no problem we got like seven
people to just right away
to just start making up right off the top of their head all of them did it no
one said no it was
ridiculous and we all everyone that did that show with me we all left there and
we were like what the
man like everybody just lied like at least i expected a few people to be like
what you want
me to make up a story about being taken aboard a ufo the out of here that's the
reality show yeah just
to play martians and get like a fake rock and just go to places like i wanted
them more like land and
we're here yeah all these that wanted to see martians all these years run down
that street
like it's king king kong they would start shooting yeah like that today's world
too many people have
guns yeah in today's world people would shoot one of those how about in the 90s
they would have shot
ufos they would shoot ufos any anytime someone's had a gun
they're they're willing to shoot like a ufo if it lands like the odds of if you
get a thousand people with
guns and a ufo lands in front of them 500 people are pulling that trigger let
me ask you this you're
an intelligent guy when you have a ufo landing and you have 10 people that
concur they saw the same
thing or they saw something what is that well i go from door to door and pay
people i mean what the
it could be a bunch of things the thing is it could be from another planet it
could be look if it's
possible for us to put a rover on mars it's possible for them to send a ship
from another galaxy of course
it's possible not only that we we assume that these aliens that everybody keeps
seeing these gray aliens
with the big black eyes we assume that they're living beings they could easily
be robots if we're this
close to crossing that uncanny valley and making some sort of an artificial uh
computer generated image
how i mean if the technology continues to accelerate to the point where you can
actually get a ship
to go through a wormhole the real the real like impeding factor i would think
would be biological
life like why send something living when you can make something artificial they're
so close to being
able to make artificial life and when i say so close within 100 years i mean i
don't think anybody
disputes that they'll have some form of artificial life within 100 years a
robot with skin that looks like
us now go in the future let's the earth is four something billion years old but
we're not the oldest
planet we're not in the oldest galaxy like not even close like the universe is
14 billion years old
supposedly so that that means an extra 10 billion years for things to form and
possibly grow even not
1 billion years even a million years who the knows what we could do in a
million years so if these ufos show
up and these little aliens are inside of it they're probably robots i would
assume that they if unless
they figure out some incredible way to bypass space and time and to fold space
and create a wormhole and
punch through like they did an event horizon and all these you know physics
documentaries where they
talk about the possibility of using wormholes and it's all like crazy
theoretical shit but until they
figure out how to do that and send like monkeys back and forth for a few years
they're not i mean why
wouldn't they just send robots just like we're sending a robot to mars i mean
it looks like a
toaster and it's got wheels and it's rolling around but it's a robot if we sent
a robot that looked
like tracy lords and it was walking around on mars i mean that would be what it
looked like you know
it just so happens that we set one that looks like a toaster but it doesn't in
a thousand years from
now we could send whatever the we want we could send bob costas to the moon you
know bob costas robot bob
costas would be reporting from the surface and the moon you know i've never
been a big martian guy
and i always thought that you know you always think that the high population of
areas area 51 and
maybe in the south right you know you just write it off but it isn't the high
populations of martian
sightings and uh ufos is why i grew up it's northern new jersey i couldn't
believe it
well you know why this is the the conspiracy theory do you know the conspiracy
there why that's where
bell laboratories are in jersey yes the bill the big conspiracy this is the big
conspiracy this goes
back way back there was a company on the internet i don't know if you remember
it called the american
computer company and they had this website they made computers there was back
in the day where you
call up or you would uh fill out like specs like you know hey i want a 300 celeron
processor and
this and that and they would put together a computer for you but they also had
this website page that was
dedicated to conspiracies about the creation of the the was it the transistor
the stereo there was
laboratories yeah stereo yeah there was there was certain aspects of of sound
and and electronics that
were invented in bell laboratories and this website supposedly pulls this is
the big conspiracy pulls
the the cover over the creation of these things and says this all shit came all
the shit came out of
area 51 from some that crashed in roswell new mexico in 1947 it was all about
the roswell new mexico crash
they took all those whatever those parts of those ufos were and back engineered
them and that's how they
created all this stuff and this this website was totally dedicated to it was
talking about how there's
a military base that's outside of bell labs like that they said was to protect
new york city they're
like why would you protect new york city from way the fuck out there you wouldn't
it would take way too
long for everything to coordinate that but it's right next to bell labs and you
know during the military
days of you know i guess this is like bell labs is probably created post world
war ii i think so you got
to think you know there's the cold war days and the russians and there's all
this this the technological
races to try to get to the moon and all that other i mean we were we were
racing with the russians
virtually everything nuclear power nuclear weapons space travel and so this
this bell labs apparently
played a very vital role in you know united states strategic technology
advancement like for whatever it
was but this american computer company was convinced that all this came from ufos
from the the crash
saucer in roswell and they back engineered it there's a lot of people that
believe that northern new
jersey is like the capital if you look at mark on sightings it's not roswell it's
northern new jersey
that's carlstadt all the way to like bergen county well it could also be the
air quality in
new jersey is so bad that people are just delirious all the time but they're
living in those swamp towns
but there's one story that came in north bergen and this is the part of town
where it's uppity
and they interviewed all these people and i stayed up on that and looked at it
there's a tape on youtube
there's a video on youtube they have they show where the thing landed on the
baseball diamond and all
this shit but then they went to all those business owners and whenever you see
uh last night i was
watching something they showed a view of new york there's a circular building
that's the building
that complained the most that they saw the lights people landing taking samples
of dirt out i mean it
was could have been anybody be with them but not all these people in
conjunction not all right the
liquor store owner maybe had a couple cocktails but all these people in the
building saw
the lights the flashing they heard the landing they heard the booms it's crazy
maybe all those broads
were just seeing stars mox's own line meanwhile you thought about that before
you said it you're
like this is the well you kept on saying saying that they saw lights and they're
talking about jerseys
so whatever you know what i think that's terrible you don't even explain it i
know it doesn't work
um you know what i think too the cia came out with this report recently about
how many of
the ufo sightings that people saw was actually experimental aircraft that they
were working on
and um that was uh that was real recent like they admitted this kind of stuff
but then you also have
like remote control drones i mean they've they've had that kind of technology
like radio control
technology they've had that for a long time and they've been able to do things
not like quite to the
level that they can do them now but they've been able to do things like they
could they used to have
drone airliners they could send an airliner with no people on it just launch
they were going to use
that that was part of operation northwoods they were going to blow it up they
can't land them they
couldn't land them in like 1962 but they could launch them so what they were
going to do is they
were going to have this plane take off and they were going to say all these
people were in it and
they were going to blow it up in the sky and they were going to blame it on cuba
and that was going to
be what led us to go to war with cuba because that was when like the russians
were trying to put military
bases there and they were going to have missiles pointed at the u.s from right
over there that was
the bay of pigs and all that shit like it got real hot and heavy there was just
like like real showdown
between the united states and russia over cuba and over them having missiles in
cuba and one of the
things they were going to do they're going to arm cuban friendlies they're
going to give like people that
they were they had good relationships with they're going to give them arms and
have them attack
guantanamo bay because we have a military base in cuba and this blowing up this
airliner was a big
part of their thing like everyone's make up a bunch of fake people they're all
missing and have actors
play their parents crying on tv all that kind of shit but they they had the
capability in 1962 to shoot a
plane up they couldn't land it like i said but they could definitely fly that
fucking thing it's pretty
crazy so you got to think how many like remote controlled like saucers did they
have how many
remote controlled i mean the some of the drones that they have now they look
completely alien early
70s yeah this is when the martians landed in hudson county park or mid 70s when
they landed so
but since then it's it's there's a ton of fucking spots and people spotting
those things in northern new
new jersey yeah cia admits most ufc most uf ufc most ufo sightings in the 1950s
and the 60s were our planes
yeah they have all these crazy jets apparently they're working on it was
confirming in a report
that the u2 spy planes and test flights over the u.s coincided with a lot of uh
the ufo sightings
yeah i mean they think about that have you ever seen one of those stealth
bombers in real life
you ever seen one flying overhead no dude it looks like you're in a science
fiction movie it's like
some war of the world star trek type we were in uh palmdale and we were doing
fear factor and we saw
several of them because fear factor started post 9-11 so it was like right
after 9-11 it was actually one
of the things that people were saying one of the dumb ass fucking reporter
questions that i got when
i was uh doing press for fear factor this lady goes don't you think that it's
in poor taste to have a
show that concentrates on fear right after 9-11 wow like you're fucking idiot
they're gonna jump off
a bridge with a bungee cord and eat an eyeball like yeah it's it's like the
terrorists won you're right
the terrorists won but um um my point being that like we when those things flew
by we were out there
in palmdale and those things flew by because it was like a lot of military
activity like it was right
when the war was about to start they looked like they were from another planet
man i know they weren't
i know they're where they were going they were going to edford edwards air
force base it's right
out there didn't matter when you see them you're like oh my god those are
aliens like it feels like
they're alien like you see that black fucking thing sound i bet dude they're
fast as shit and they look
they don't look like any plane you've ever seen before they look like spaceships
it looks like a
scene in star wars where you have some sort of a starport and then you know in
the background all
these planes are landing and taking off into space i mean that's what we all
thought we would be seeing
by now anyway right we would all when you if you were a kid and you said hey joey
what do you think
it's going to be like in 2015 you'd be like oh fucking space travel for sure
right everybody
thought we'd have bases on the moon by now everybody thought we'd be flying
around in jets everybody
would be going all over the place and hover cars back to the future this was
the year that 2015 was
back to the future too when he comes in and there's all the cars flying around
we had hoverboards
yeah no flying cars flying cars they do have will kill you actually there's one
that's supposed to
be pretty good there's a couple different guys who've made flying cars but one
of them has like
these folding wings and you drive around like this and then when you take off
the thing goes yeah
clink clink and the wheel the wings come down and you fly like so you're
driving around with the wings
up and you can drive around town like a normal you know as good as like a prius
or something and then
when you want to you lower the wings down 405 got traffic pick this up right
here i would need a
large parachute on that fucking thing fuck that there's gonna be drunk drivers
in the sky now
that's are all everyone's houses will have like a car in it at one point i
think once they figure out
like google drive you know like google driving cars and they figure out how to
keep cars in their lanes
and have them avoid each other like no matter what they can't collide once that
technology becomes like
standard then i think you could might be able to have some sort of flying
vehicle but until they do
you're gonna have people like you ever watch people in like little private
planes just fly around
they fly just just fly around i went with phil hartman uh he took me up to to
look at real estate
and we uh got in one of his he had a little single engine plane and we took
this plane up into the
sky and we just flew he went wherever he wanted to like i'll show you where malibu
is
he doesn't have to call somebody and say hey i'm gonna fly over by malibu is
that cool
no he just does it like they and they hit each other sometimes all the time one
just crashed on
van nuys the other day yeah that's right yeah yeah one was laying there right
in my ball lake the only
reason why more don't is because there are not more people flying yeah you know
did you watch people
spin out like retards in this rain oh yeah oh you saw so many people yeah i saw
so many people crash
in the rain they just forgot how to drive in the rain yeah i got some good
videos i have that dashboard
camera now so everywhere i go it records hd video and every night during the
rainstorm just pull out
save it to computer there's just tons of clips of people like running red
lights almost hitting other
cars they don't know how to stop yeah they don't know how to slow down it's it's
amazing california
we get rain maybe 10 times a year on a crazy year no people don't believe that
but that is real right
i mean the last year did we get rain three times last year it was it even three
times yeah probably
wasn't right they say we need 11 trillion gallons of of water to even out what
we've lost in this
three-year drought we're still in a bad drought right like that none of that
rain did anything right
i mean it's better than no rain but we need 11 trillion gallons up north they're
taking the water out of
the ground recycling and using it again on all the vegetation that's up north
you know bakersfield
all those little uh towns that have that live off cherries and whatever the
they live off strawberries
and shit yeah like i just watched 60 minutes a couple weeks ago was on new
company they're busy till
fucking 2020. are they making wells is that what they're doing no they come up
and pull the
fucking water from all the deepest parts of the earth and they recycle it and
use it again it's not a
well no they they go deep look it up it was just on 60 minutes maybe three
weeks ago really interesting
shit i i'm amazed that no one's figured out a way to take salt out of water i
mean they do they have
they have right but it's not commercially effective it's really sure water they
they have the new one
with sewer water and they had the people drinking it right from the sewer and
people drinking water
that look like this dog right from the sewer already was yeah bill gates syringes
condoms pills
old sneakers and you're there drinking it like a mojito and you pay for it and
you pay for it but
it's a new machine and tremendous do you think in the future we're going to
have our own water like
it's the water is going to be so you know bad that we have our own like i don't
know 20 gallons uh
supply of water that we can use to cook wash ourselves then we pee it out clean
it but it's
our personal water like we you have to like keep your own water that's totally
possible yeah right it
actually might not be the worst idea i would be happier drinking my piss water
right because then
someone else's piss water you can hack it yeah and would you would you use your
girlfriend's water
like you you and your loved one would switch waters because it's a little bit
well here's the deal
all of your water came out of someone's dick how about that dinosaur balls you
think about it some
animal most likely pissed away some water and it evaporated came down as rain
and you know who i mean
kill water yeah water that i think the amount of water we have is finite like
and the even though
we're like oh we're running out of water i think the water is going somewhere i
mean it's still in earth
it's like you might not be able to get to it it might be pouring in seattle or
it might be
but it's all just water like somehow or another it gets reused it evaporates it
comes down again
it's all kind of contained in this crazy ball and they say that a lot of the
water that we drink
you know it's very likely some of it passed through an animal's body and was
pissed out and was filtered
down through the the like a stream like have you ever like seen a a creek where
you have like crystal
clear spring water that's coming down from a glacier like that is woolly ram a
mammoth dick pissed
out some of this water and that water like seeped into the earth or gets sucked
up in moisture it's
very possible that a lot of this stuff actually came from animals dicks so if
we get to a point
where we're so good at recycling water that you know when you're getting water
even though it was
poopy water or piss water or whatever there's nothing in there but water it's
absolutely clear pure water
and spirits and spirits yeah spirits it collects the spirits of the past you
can't get the spirits
like imagine if they drain the hudson river and use that water how many bodies
are in that oh my god
people went over the bridge and threw a bag of blow over oh yeah or a hooker's
finger or a hooker or
condoms in that river they're gonna eventually you're gonna clean it out with
that machine they got a
bunch of little machines purifies it the whole thing don't they already do that
with a lot of water
they take sewage treatment and they they treat the water and then they put it
right back into the
supply that's what they do right now that's you know our waters or that
drainage the the la river
or whatever that all gets clean and put back into this the faucets do you guys
even drink faucet water
anymore though i was thinking about this the other day i won't touch my right
but don't you cook with
it that's an issue like we all cook with faucet water uh yeah i guess but i don't
i don't use my
kitchen i just eat out right but yeah i guess i do cook with it what if you
like
make tea or coffee no i yeah i do yeah i have a arrowheads yeah people like to
be bohemian use
that city water i was watching some news show the other day i forget what town
i'm in but it was
showing i think it was san francisco they were showing all these different
blocks where you
couldn't drink the water right now like there was this whole area where they're
saying don't drink
the water if you live on these streets like what what are you saying like i
have to just be on
twitter or i have to be paying attention to the news to know this what if i'm a
guy that just likes to
read newspapers and sit at home for a few days and i'm drinking the water are
you knocking on my door
are you telling people you assuming they have facebook how you're just gonna
make them drink this
fucking shit water they should have stormtroopers knock on everybody's door don't
drink the water
but they don't i have hard water what's that because i like if i wash my car
with my my car will be
white when it dries minerals yes is that really bad for you or really good
seems like it'll be good for
you to i think some trace minerals are good for you but i don't know if like
that quantity
of minerals is good for you like hard water it's really hard but they say that
that's one of the
things that it's bad for people when you have distilled water as you drink distilled
water it
doesn't have any minerals in it like you can actually kind of your body up if
you only drink distilled
water like distilled water is something that wrestlers take a lot of times
before they cut weight
because when you drink it it flushes all your system out flushes all the
minerals in you but a lot of people
are saying like i don't think dolce with that stuff i think a lot of guys are
saying like that is not
good for you like you need those like that those elements of the water with
minerals it might make
it easier to to dehydrate yourself that way because you're but it's not good
like i think all that
shit in water is actually probably good for you i'm laughing because my old
coke dealer used to drink
distilled water really probably that was all up now potential health impacts of
hard water here it goes
this is a pub med study so it says in the past five decades or so evidence has
been accumulating
about an environmental factor which appears to be influencing mortality in
particular cardiovascular
mortality and this is the hardness of the drinking water oh in addition several
epidemiological investigations have demonstrated the relation between risk for
cardiovascular disease
growth retardation reproductive failure and other health problems and the
hardness of drinking water or its
content of magnesium and calcium which is weird because magnesium and calcium
are things that people
take as supplements right there's like a fucking balance to being a person you
know like if you
have if you drink a pound of salt you're dead you know that's fucked in
addition the acidity of the
water influences the reabsorption of calcium and magnesium in the renal tube
tubule i don't know what that
is but it's not good not only calcium and magnesium but other constituents also
affect different health
aspects thus the present review attempts to explore the health effects of hard
water and its constituents
wow that's crazy man alzheimer's disease is linked to alzheimer's disease
cardiovascular disease diabetes
and cancer jesus
well the only thing i use it for is really just taking a shower so hopefully
that doesn't but is
that bad for you because i know that like you absorb magnesium through your
skin it's one of the benefits
actually of uh like flotation tanks they absorb magnesium through your skin
hmm yeah but maybe they need to do studies on that maybe it's not good to
absorb too much magnesium through
your skin i don't even i know you're taking magnesium though is like especially
for men it's very
beneficial there's this correlations between magnesium and testosterone and
zinc zinc and testosterone as
well this is weird oh so it's a ratio of magnesium and calcium in the water is
a crucial factor indicating
the hardness so i guess it's just like when shit gets really wacky there's
concentrations of dissolved
calcium and magnesium in soft and hard water you're dealing with like hard
numbers i guess
hard yeah it's weird because like minerals are really good for you it's
important like if
you don't have minerals that's where osteoporosis comes from you lack of
calcium your body starts
drawing calcium out of your bones like one of the best ways to prevent it you
take calcium
but they also say that a lot of a lot of our farmlands like the vegetables that
we're getting and the
the um plants that we eat a lot of them are nutrient deficient because a lot of
the farmlands like
they they've been like they've been growing on them for so long they kind of
like sucked all the
good stuff out of the ground it's dead you know like the cigars in cuba they
say they're not that
good no more really that's what some of the old-time cubans say the ground has
been you know how many
leaflets can you get out of there since 1940 they have to do a really good job
of protecting the dirt
you got to use um uh mulch you know you got to use compost you got to like
replenish manure yeah
and also compost is big too replenishing the nutrients like that's the thing
about dirt is
it's like you look at soil you think of it as dirt but it's like like it's
alive there's all sorts of
shit in there there's not just like minerals there's organisms and worms and
bugs like you
need worms like worms are great people add worms to their garden you like want
them all living in
there you know you want all that so you want worm shit you want worms to shit
you want them to eat
the dirt and it makes it all nice easy to grow in those mushrooms i ate in vegas
with those guys
those things were good joey was up till five o'clock in the morning you never
see joey i didn't sleep
morning you didn't sleep i went right to the airport got the out of that seven
something didn't sleep
till like two that afternoon good visuals those days are over with you gotta go
deep deep deep to see
visuals dragons so it's just body music i just giggled i just giggled my ass
off it was tremendous
what is vegas like on mushrooms like what is the experience of the craziness of
vegas i didn't really
we went and did the show right walk off stage and i had a handful i ate them
and that was my vegas
yeah but then we went out we had some dinner yeah but we didn't really walk and
talk to
crazy people right you know i mean duncan had that meth guy after the show that
was telling
about you know the coming of satan and all that stuff and besides i was giving
him his email
address yes hey contact me man that's the you know the mushrooms when you go
out in public any of those
drugs it becomes something else it really enhances you know there's a couple
different mushrooms you
could take i mean for trips you know you could take the mushroom at home and
become very uh whatever
that word is into yourself and writing or you could take mushrooms and leave
and go for a
fucking complete different odyssey that's an odyssey when you go out with like
four friends
and you're each fucked up and you have to be tight with those four friends
so i don't have to look at you we don't have to communicate all i have to do is
look at you
and i can send you the mushroom telepathically we know we'll lose each other in
a bar and every
couple of hours we'll just look at each other and next we'll know you know what's
going on by that
look like and your own body will tell you like you'll be drinking giggling all
of a sudden something
where's joe and you'll look at that same time and we'll look at each other and
go and you go back
that's the fun of it it's that certain connection with your friends with me i
didn't grow up on uh
on mushrooms i was more of a micro dot acid guy growing up all those type of
hallucinogenics
which were basically poison but i had the same experience as my friends we'd go
into large venues
concerts we all didn't sit together but we'd always find each other duncan told
me he took that um
kind of acid that has formaldehyde and the blotter acid on paper you know he
said he had he's been
taking pure stuff for a while and he took this stuff and he was like it's so
disgusting it was
like it hurt my bones strychnine yeah yeah that's been around you know why why
does it have strychnine
well that's all part of the process like when you smoke crack there's fucking
turpentine in there
you know but acid's supposed to be just lsd paper supposedly what we were told
it was to stick it to
the paper paper it really is strychnine is that a snopes thing it might it
might have been a snopes
thing i do know that when you when i used to have it in my vials and like sell
it and i'm just like
you got a sugar cube and i'll just drop a little drop on the sugar cube that
never had the back
or the bone problems you know with the liquid acid and the micro dots didn't
either because those were
like those little black ones that pretty much just had a bubble of acid right a
bubble of acid
the liquid always worked for me the liquid and the sugar cube or in the eye
right in the eyeball
i never did the eye i never that would me up i was very fortunate i got those i
got to meet
these guys when i was growing up they were hallucinogenic expert you know that's
what they
did they made that on the weekends all week long and they pumped it out the
college kids but they pumped
out you know grosses they would sell you 144 hits you know and that's all they
did and they made
10 000 fucking hits everything a week and every time you went up there on saturday
they had something
different yeah it's okay anti-drug educators frequently tell their students
that some variant
of the theme of inevitable strychnine poisoning through lsd use for example the
strychnine is
commonly sold as a cheaper substitute for lsd by unscrupulous drug dealers that
strychnine is a
byproduct of lsd synthesis that the body produces strychnine as a result of lsd
metabolism or that
strychnine is used as a preservative to prevent the otherwise natural rapid
decomposition of the lsd
allowing it to be stored or that strychnine is somehow necessary to bond lsd to
blotter paper
none of this is true yeah these claims have even been believed to be propagated
by drug users themselves
in reality most hallucinogens cause some degree of mental or physical
discomfort after the trip is
over this is an indirect effect of the drug not strict nine or any other adulterant
oh there we go
they used to always also say that the old uh which always seemed fake like oh
so much strychnine on
that that it collects in your back and if you ever get in a car accident and
hit that part in your back
you're gonna trip forever yeah i've heard that i've heard that it's so stupid
yeah man lsd stores in
your fingernails and you note how your fingernails constantly grow that means
you'll constantly be
tripping it's amazing and then my voice i hate that guy i met him i met that
guy last night
did you it was one of them i did a documentary same guy i'm doing a documentary
i would love to have you
involved to raise consciousness and expand consciousness sort of an overall
sense of
consciousness it's basically like the the vibe i'm on right now is i don't even
care about money
i'm just all about spreading peace and consciousness it's so funny those guys
uh that you meet that follow
you that are fans of you but uh the other day there was a few of them and uh we
would play this game
where like one would come up to us and uh start talking about the ghost no but
like christina
pasitzki was there and and he starts talking to me and christina christina said
something to him
and the next thing she knows she looks over and i'm gone you know because i'm
just it's kind of like
hot potato you pass off the crazy person too it's one thing i'm not enjoying
about being at the
comedy store is how many people are pitching me ideas you can't just hang out
there four guys pitched me
ideas last night came up to me hey man i came here to talk to you about this
project i'm doing it really
one guy was the history of the fart joke i'm not joking he's doing a
documentary on the history of
the fart joke and i'm i i'm like yeah i'm and this is true i have no time for
anything i give no time
for other stuff i have exactly amount of time for the stuff that i'm doing
right now and you know
anybody that comes up to me hey can you do this can you do my podcast i
literally don't have the
time i just not available so i can't do it and so the guy goes well um can i go
through proper
channels and talk without what what does that mean i just said no like i don't
want to do a history of
the fart joke documentary we don't have there's no proper channel like good
luck maybe it'd be great
i mean look they who knew that a documentary on corn would be great you could
have an awesome
documentary on the history of the fart joke i just don't have the time was he
like whatever
dude he just blows a fart on you and walks away well here's a joke you pull my
finger
i mean look it was it was a good guy he wasn't a bad guy he wasn't he was like
really cool about it
in comparison to how many other different people have come by with ridiculous
ideas where they
weren't cool about it where it's just like you know i had to tell a guy last
night like dude you
got to stop pitching me i'm not pitching you i go yes you are i go i'm trying
to have this
conversation with ari you've sandwiched yourself in between us and you're
telling me about this movie you're
doing or this thing you're doing like i can't do it like you stop and it's like
you can't hang out
there i don't get those you know what i get now the business propositions oh
well you you need to
move to denver with rogan and open up a weed store and when people come you
pick them up at the airport
and do a tour of the city and donate half your money to the charity and i told
the guy listen i live
in l.a you do know that you know i live in l.a i can't help you know why even
can i can't help you
well that means you really don't want to spread listen i really don't give a
who does
oh what the what i really don't give a i really don't you want to smoke dope
smoke dope you don't
want to smoke dope yeah i'm not taking you around you're not helping to show
you a call get the
out of here i never believed in none of that anyway i never bought high times
in my life i just smoke
dope i don't look at buds i don't have pictures of buds you don't see me with
no t-shirt with weed on my shirt
i just smoke motherfucking dope okay i don't know nothing else i don't know
nothing i don't know
about consciousness i don't know about fucking you know the lord i don't know
nothing roll it up or
shut your fucking mouth that's it it's that fucking easy i don't want to hear
about nothing nobody gets
that shit you go to a town now you get 19 people want to do a podcast i don't
have the fucking time yeah
and they want you to jump in that car i don't even know you yeah i don't
fucking know you i'll take
you it's 20 minutes away 20 minutes in your fucking world that's 40 minutes in
my fucking world when i
go to a town i don't want to do dick once i get on that plan to go to anywhere
the fuck i go i don't
want to do dick yeah i want to do the radio that they have for me and that's it
i've already done my
podcast for the week i've done everything i go in and get a computer i got that
little what's that new
thing the the substance i don't even know what the fuck it is surface surface
you got that yeah you
got one of those yeah little windows yeah perfect for me nobody bothers me i go
to my room i watch
all this that i can't watch at home because there's a baby around right a wife
asking you questions about
the hemisphere when you're in the middle of writing fucking something you know
and you can't say no to
the kid right they don't get what the they don't get a joke they don't get
nothing right you got to
stop what the you're doing she runs into the computer room and jumps on my lap
that's the end of the computer it's youtube and i gotta watch fucking uh
something about the window
or what's raining or something about animals and i love it but that's just how
it goes when i go to
a town it's to sit down and write a few jokes and focus on the act for tonight
and tomorrow night and
i don't want to drive 40 minutes that you tell me then they want to stop and
introduce you to
their uncle who's a fan of the longest yard i don't give a fuck all right let's
go on the way i don't
want to do nothing well i guess you just don't care about spreading the message
the message is
suck my dick that's the message yeah what about the cause man is it all just
about sucking your
dick yes is that really what you're about the end of the week yes it is yeah it's
about what i don't
even want to blow job i just want to smoke dope and be left alone i don't know
what the
fuck you're talking about they do they have been coming out to the comedy stone
full force full
force that's the swarms of every show i've done in the past three weeks i've
been hit up for something
they don't bother me they just you know i love talking to those people i don't
mind talking to
people that's not the problem it's the people that are pitching just regular
folks
want to come by and say what's up that's cool that's fun that's me you have
great conversations
with some of those people it's the people that like interrupt other
conversations just sandwich
themselves in and gay i've got to talk to you about this movie we're about to
jump off seth rogan's
involved it's very big it's going to be huge i've got a lot of bobcat goldthwaite
we're in
negotiation let's shut the fuck up please i had a guy show up with a camera
through the comedy
storm a camera like a film a film camera kissed me took a picture cool and then
goes do you mind
saying something about my tv show or my web series and i'm like i never watched
it i don't even know
what you thought it doesn't matter just and also he's like and they jumped the
thing at the they
were in that car on the side going down the hill at the store like they went up
the hotel ramp and
turned around they were waiting for me outside and they just jumped out with a
camera and the kid
was like hold on one second and the kid jumped and came and the kid had a uh
camera you didn't
even say yes i didn't say yes he just go and i was like god i don't know how
can you want me
to say something about your web series i don't know what the fuck it is no yeah
no all the weed people
also that's another one people just like i got this joint company you know you
take take some joints
and it's like shitty weed with oil on it well by the way well that's another
problem yeah yeah people
were trying to give you your to smoke like i have no idea what kind of monkey
business you're doing
in that joint did you just give me does this have cocaine in it like what like
now i'm going to get
pulled over and i have some heroin laced yeah who knows yeah well the other day
some guy gave me
one of those tubes yeah and i buy those tubes sometimes when i'm in a rush by
my house they have
the tubes with a joint and a little bit of ash and they're not bad they're like
12 bucks you smoke
them they're not fucking bad so i thought it was the same thing well i fucking
took it i go lee you
want to get high on the way back from the store we got fucking blasted we had
to stop at 7-eleven
and get water and shit it was fucking amazing we you know and i drive lee to
the car and i go home
and i'm like i'm saving this fucking tube and the next day i go to the wheat
store and i give it to the
god i go i want fucking ten of those and he looked and he goes i don't have
these i gave it to the girl
that's my friend she went in the back and they go we can't sell these these
have wax in them yeah
that's what it is no wonder i was so yeah that i thought it was dope and he
goes no you have to look
cvw yeah the kid went to give you two of them the other night yeah yeah i was
standing next to you
i told him i couldn't take him like i don't know you dude sorry you know come
on man like listen i don't
know you you could be a cop and the girl gave you a muffin tarot yeah that was
that was really
ridiculous she gave me a cake a bunt cake for my daughter and i'm like look i'm
not giving my
daughter a cake from someone i don't even know so i don't want to be rude to
you but i thank you very
much but i don't want the cake i don't eat that stuff and i'm not going to give
it to my kids she's
like why not and i was like i don't know you like i'm not going to just accept
a cake from you
to give to my kid you know i mean this is that's weird that's weird it's weird
already
you know if you gave me a cake to give to my kid well i know you we're still
what i probably
i don't i don't want them eating that much sugar i mean i give them dessert
every now and again but
that's not even the point the point is like why would i do that why would i
give some food to my
kid from some strange lady that the first thing she says is i have a cake for
your daughter like
not hello not how's your night going not what are you guys up to hey that was a
really funny show joey
you know what are you where are you where you at next do you go on the road no
it's like right away
i've got a cake for your daughter like get the out of here what kind of crazy
is that
i don't think people understand how creepy that actually sounds because they're
from probably from
a small town where it's like you know they're bringing apple pie over to
strangers like i'm your
neighbor you know and like that in the middle of talking to someone last night
this guy comes over
interrupts and the first words are his mouth hey man can you do me a favor and
he's got his camera out
he wants me to make a video for him i'm like no no no i can't do you a favor
like you don't even care
that we're talking like it doesn't even bother you you're not excuse me can i
ask you a question
real quick is are you guys free right now can i can i ask you something like
right away can you do
me a favor i'm gonna make a video i want you to be in like get out of here no
like that place needs
a green room it does have one yeah but nobody uses it yeah yeah they're yeah
you use it in the
main room but in the main room the other night a guy came in a guy weaseled in
he was already
already in the back and me and russell were talking about the other night it's
ridiculous i like
talking to people but there's a line that i wouldn't even cross with somebody i'd
love to go up to
somebody me and red man we're eating breakfast in atlanta we saw tommy heintzen
from the selfie
excuse me you mr heinzen yeah it's an honor to meet you i didn't even bother
him i don't even want a
fucking picture stop with your fucking pictures stop with the fucking pictures
what the picture
gotta fucking do for you what are you gonna do with the fucking picture i'm
gonna bother this
fucking guy in breakfast mr heinz i was a fan i went he's from union city i was
from north bergen
your second cousins with the holloway yeah thank you for your time he left i
didn't stop i'm not
gonna stop him and get a fucking hug i don't give a fuck i really don't i've
never given a
fuck i've seen people a lot it's like all right whatever yeah i'm gonna go
bother this fucking person
you know i just i don't mind talking to people i love talking to people that's
why i became a comic
i love it but there's a line that i you know when i go out at night i go out to
do stand-up nothing
else i don't know what the fuck you're talking about what do you think i did on
the way to the
show do you think i smoked 15 joints on the way down laurel canyon i already
got high you know and
i already ate a fucking pot cookie i'm where i need to be you know if i want to
smoke and i there's
times i smoke with people but there's other times and i'm already baked and i
gotta get back on
laurel canyon what if i get pulled over and i got your shitty weed on my
fucking breath yeah i gotta do 90
days because you want to hit me with that purple fake weed you got and forget
it
you know it's just i enjoy it i i just i don't want to get pitched i know where
you're coming from
i don't want to i like talking to people it's the weird people before you go on
stage too that's the
only time well sometimes people at the comedy store like literally they'll be
introducing you and they'll
people say hey man can i get a picture like do you you don't hear that guy like
bringing me up on
stage right now like you don't they don't care they just want to get that thing
on their facebook
and that's a real problem with the access to cameras people want to use them
even if it doesn't
make any sense like people weren't bringing cameras out in like 2000 when we go
on the road
people weren't bringing that many cameras with them we didn't take that many
pictures of people
most of the time when you talk to people off the show you said hi to them took
a few pictures with
folks but not not everybody had a camera now every person you meet every day
has a camera that's a
mind-blowing change between two decades ago yeah can you imagine uh like 20
years ago everyone just
having camcorders walking around the street ridiculous and the worst part is is
that you don't know when
people are recording so like that people where people are sitting there texting
but they're just
recording you oh yeah i had i was out with my girlfriend the other day and it
was one of those
guys just sitting there staring like oh i know this guy i know this guy and he's
just sits he's
sitting there with his camera just up like he's looking and i know he's just
sitting there recording
or doing something yeah people are weird it's it's a weird time like they
people have lost like
their etiquette like and because this is such a new world like there's no etiquette
as far as like
cameras and and sticking them in people's faces or asking for photos like how
many times you get asked
while you're eating mouthful of food hey man can i get a picture like who the
fuck would ever come
up to you in the middle of eating you're you gotta in the middle of hey man can
i talk to you about
something like no this is not the time to talk to people these are people are
eating food they're
having a meal not only that they're they're sitting at a table looking at each
other having a conversation
it's one of the most enjoyable things we do as friends sit around and have a
meal together
you know it's like that's like that expression breaking bread you break bread
with people and you
what are you saying i can't do it in public or i'm going to be interrupted
every five seconds by
somebody who wants to take a photograph of course not most people realize that
and they don't interrupt
you while you're eating but some people do not give a you could be eating with
a baby on your lap
mouthful of food answering the phone and they tap you hey man can i get a
picture can i get a picture
hey man can i get a picture hey excuse me can i get a picture i hate to be that
guy but can i get a
picture you hate to be that guy but you're being that guy i bought a new car
and i didn't know the
not this subaru the one before it i didn't know the particulars of it joe i
bought it off the lot
i was in a rush i left the indoor light on my car was dead on cuenga and hollywood
at rush hour
do you know that the guy that came over to say do you need help in the process
goes hey man can i
picture the picture i swear to my mother's grave that was the worst thing ever
when i'm on cuenga the
car won't start i have groceries the car the key the the phone was in the car
something and my car
won't start i got these groceries i got to put them down pop the trunk and wait
for somebody with a
fucking this pull over i go you got jumper cables he goes no i don't but i
gotta ask you something can i
drop off a script to your agent and i looked at him like no you're not it was
like a jersey boy thing
where he wanted me to dance i couldn't and he had met me one time he just
happened to see me on the
street and pulled over in the middle of my fucking hilarious and came up to me
he goes hey man do you
think uh you couldn't go anywhere you were trapped and i looked at him i go you
got to get the out
like you're not serious right now you have to go to the proper channels i take
pictures with everybody
i do everybody i do theaters and after this show i don't charge anybody i stay
for hours i'll take
hundreds of pictures there's lines we have videos of it of all these theaters
where there's lines around
spiral staircases and i'll wait till everybody's done before i go get something
to eat i do it all the time
so it's not like i don't want to meet people i want to meet everybody and be
friendly but there's a
certain line that people cross that just shows they're socially goofy they're
just klutzy and
clumsy and those are the exact type of people they're always trying to pitch
you something who the
fuck have you ever pitched anything to who the fuck have you ever pitched
anything to i've never pitched
anybody an idea i've never come up to someone and said hey man there's this
project if we had a name
attached to it like you i really think you could jump off like i don't even
know you like you're supposed to have an
agent like there's a whole system of things that are in place for a reason you
have a script the script
is good the script gets read by reviewers the reviewers take it the agency
represents it they
bring it out they contact other people they say hey we've got this script we
think that uh this could
be a really good script do you have any actors that will be interested in doing
this and then they
contact the agents of the actors you have meetings that's how shit gets done
you don't just show up
when joey diaz's car is broken down and i'm trying to break into the business
like well you're doing it
wrong it's like coming up to me and saying hey man can i open for you
absolutely not i don't know you
you want to come with me on the road what a great idea a guy i don't know
flying around with me being
weird and who knows how bad you suck you know you could be terrible i've had
people that told me they've
never gone on stage before but they know that they would be awesome and if they
could just go up during
my show it would be the right kind of show to go up for because we have the
same sensibilities
oh what a great idea you should do no open mic nights you should just go
directly to a bunch of
people that paid to see me and i'll just let you on stage and you do whatever
the you want to do
i don't even know you like who asked that who says hey man i'm the best
basically baseball player of
all time and uh just like dodgers should just let me play one day and just get
out there and show what
i can do do you want to audition no man just let me hit the ball bro i'll hit a
home run i guarantee
there's people out there that are that goofy there's a lot of them man and this
this town
is like a magnet for them because some of them get on tv some of them get on a
reality show
and they're so retarded that they're compelling and that you listen to them i
mean how many
fucking look at windy city heat how about that movie that's exactly what we're
talking about
windy city heat is a diary of a madman i mean it's a fucking biography don barris
jimmy kimmel put
together they took this guy who's out of his fucking mind and they had this guy
convinced that he was
a movie star and that he was uh something special and he was a celebrity and
they they they hosed him
the entire way i mean the guy wasn't in on it at all and that fucking guy's
still around man and he
still thinks he's uh he gets people coming to his shows he's a real headliner i
mean you have to hear
with the shit that comes out of his mouth he's hilarious it's kind of up man
because they've
they've essentially taken advantage and there's bobcat gold with that sick look
at that look on
his face he loves it and don barris is the master of dealing with retards don
barris has a phd
in nuts yes he knows how to deal with it who's the guy with the wig uh that's
the the guy that
fucks with scary perry all the time ridiculous that's one of the big three but
like those type
of people are the people that you get at the comedy store i don't mind the
picture taken i'll tell you
what at all that's under my skin so you've taken 300 pictures i've given out
hugs i've smoked pot i've
taken hits off six pipes i go inside i hug the staff i get paid as i'm walking
out the door there's four
fucking people in alley can we take a picture where the fuck were you just
where the fuck were you
before like once i'm done i'm done i'm done that's it once it's over it's over
for me you guys know it
yeah once it's over you got a minute to make up your mind because i'm going
yeah it's over there's
no more nothing and those are the only ones that i go i don't get this that we've
been here for two
hours and you've been standing there like a bump on a wall they get nervous
they want to be with you
at the end and now at the end is i'm about to go in i gotta stop what the fuck
i'm doing momentum wise
and fucking like like my head wasn't in it no more that's it yeah i'm done with
the
fucking pictures i'm talking i just did two shows we just talked to 500 people
for
i've been here since 7 30. that's the only part of the thing that doesn't
on sunday nights one of the purposes that i stay in on sunday nights
is to answer emails i answer anywhere from 80 to 125 emails every sunday i do
it because i don't have
what everybody else has that's my little edge people come to the show and they
go i hate your material
but you answered my email i hate your material but you answered my email i don't
think you're funny
but you answered my email people say that to you and i email six out of comics
they didn't answer me
well people are shitty those people that's rude yeah don't answer they'll come
to your show they'll
buy your shirt just because you answered an email you know that's how far i go
i go the whole
fucking way with these people but when i say that's it that's it yeah like i
get hit obviously for 10
fucking podcasts a week i don't even know who these people are i don't even
know who they are i have
no idea they're calling me it's and they get angry joe that's what burns me up
that they don't understand
what we go through here that you know if i get in a car it's 45 minutes to go
somewhere that's time
yeah another 40 that's an hour and a half then i have a baby i got no babysitter
i got a podcast i
try to work out you know not to mention whoever wants to talk to me
legitimately about something
then i got a wife and then we got to do stand-up oh then there's a thing that
you have to do called
writing yeah when the do you want me to you know these people that call you up
and go
can you do my podcast yeah we do five o'clock by the airport listen you're in
no danger you're in
no danger that's not happening at all five o'clock by the airport four o'clock
in the afternoon you're
not getting me out for a podcast it's either early or late at night take your
pick i can't do it four
o'clock i can't do it guy yeah the culver city that's an hour each way you just
kill me if you're
lucky that's three hours for your podcast out of my time if you do culver city
you literally have
to do 11 in the morning so that you're out by two at the latest and then you
get on the road because
even two you're pushing you're two it used to be three in this town no now it's
two 2 15 you're
fucking kaputs i drove at five once from venice and i got i said let's see what
it's like let's just
see what it's like to be on the 405 at five o'clock it was insane it's insane
it's and i really
i feel so bad for those people that have to do that every day my mexican does
that every single day
you're mexican your girlfriend you mean jesus christ dude don't call you're mexican
all right adam huck is my boy but he tapes that podcast by the airport oh that's
crazy oh that's
where the fox studio is yeah they do in the same place where brendan and uh i
think i'm not going
to fox at five o'clock though yeah you can suck it you can suck my dick yeah i'm
going to fox studios
at five o'clock that's what we did fighter and the kid over here i was like you
know i'll do your
podcast but we'll do it over here like come on guys that's retarded that's too
far away it takes her an
hour and 45 minutes every single day and it's only 23 miles oh my god from
where to where from venice to
burbank does she do it back and forth it takes that much or no that's just one
way home one way is an
an hour and 45 minutes home oh good she gets off at five and she gets she gets
home about 6 37. oh my god
that is insane on the way there it's only an hour so three hours on a bad day
she's in the car yeah she's
she's pretty much going to vegas every day that's insane you have to be we'd be
messed up pedal to the
metal i made it back from vegas once in three hours but uh i shouldn't have i
used to make it from san
diego in an hour 35. yeah that's nice when that happens a lot of people could
make my records 120
that's when the drug dealer was closing that one when that drug dealer was
closing that one dog i
used to get off the stage at the comedy store la jolla i would headline i didn't
give a what
i mentioned what time you want me to do oh we want you to do 45 to an hour
listen whatever 11 40 is
that's what i'm doing so all these guest sets and all these people you're
putting up at 11 40 i get
off the stage and i walk right to the car the car's already filled up with gas
there's no need to stop
it's pointed to the five from la jolla so what were they trying to do sandwich
a bunch of people on
him yeah like they would just tell me oh you have to stay till 12. no i'm not
an hour 20. my drug dealer
closes at one i gotta hit los felis by five to one this situation ain't gonna
work
i would do 70 75 from the la jolla comedy store to immigration and once you're
in immigration jack to
irvine it's 100. there's a certain thing that some clubs would like to do where
they want to put on
their good local guys in front of a guy like you because they know a guy like
you is going to have
a good audience so uh a bunch of like local guys are like uh joey diaz is doing
a show can i get on
that show can i get on that show like you know he used to do that all the time
it's tom sawyer in san
francisco remember we used to let tom book the gig and then somewhere along the
like yo dude done
there's no more of this no more because he was like you know i really want to
be able to put the
show together like why would you want to put the show together when it doesn't
cost you anymore if i
bring my friends and i know they're hilarious like listen just trust me i've
got some great local talent
and these put on this just nightmare of an opening show and be like oh christ
two three guys in a row
that you're like what am i listening to oh god and then you'd bring you know i'd
bring you or i'd bring
duncan or i'd bring ari and we'd have a amazing show but they went well joey
diaz upsets
people and it was like like i don't know if that's the kind of kind of act we
want of our club nobody
hated me more than that fucking mutt nobody he was the worst oh and i used to
go there just to
irritate him i knew he was gay i knew he was dying to suck your dick he was if
there was a guy that was
dying to suck your dick it was that guy he had a girlfriend he was a flamer
from the
fucking jump the the day he showed up with the two-seater to pick you up to do
radio the pf
and ari came up and ari goes joey diaz you might be right that guy's bad he's
got a small car it
doesn't mean he's gay he went out and rented a two-seater so he could have you
he was trying to
get he was using the cosme you he likes comedy no he didn't like where is he
today i don't know
i don't like comedy got out when somebody likes comedy they stick with it that
dude was a dick to
a lot of people and when that guy got fired a lot of people were happy bro he
over a lot of people
in comedy i don't know about all that i like that guy still like him was a good
time with him he told
like two or three people how he hated when you brought me out he fucking hated
because he knew he
couldn't suck your dick he knew he was dying to suck your johnson that guy was
a pole smoker
from the word go he was it's amazing how many guys on the road look at all the
guys when we were
touring that said things none of them are around at the end they never mattered
when i see a comedy
club owner now and he comes and talks to me i look right through and i don't
give a
fuck if they're listening to the show fuck you you're a fucking pimp and heat
is what you are
i just look freak without warning oh when an appetite for cunts makes him a
fucking you know from mark
babbitt i have to go in and listen to shut the fuck up mark babbitt that's your
cocaine buddy all
those douche bags all those douche bags were the same that made believe there
was something so
important and at the end of the week we outlasted them we outlasted those
fucking people but those
people were important too because look when mark babbitt was around i hate to
be defending no no no
mark babbitt was a great guy he was a great guy but the importance that houston
look at houston
county went kaput after that it did go kaput that's what i'm saying but he
broke those
motherfuckers but no but he kept it alive he was like the jim jones of comedy
down there
he was giving out blow and you know recruiting young kids somebody busted him
putting that out
for young kids and you know it was i don't know what you're talking about oh
yeah you know the
how creepy was the guy from tempe as much as i like the bastard you know yeah
when he i would listen
to the man like his whole vocabulary was he couldn't wait to say spade he loved
saying the word the
spades no like david spade oh spade david spade you know david spade was phoenix
a card conversation
he couldn't wait to who you're not gonna believe who's here for the super bowl
spade and family
they're not coming to your stupid fucking club in arizona okay they're not
coming to your dumb
fucking comedy club in tempe that year like that all those common you know i'll
get them on letterman
your friends with the guy that said that all women weren't funny once he got
fired your letterman
juice got lost that's the only reason why he would go to new york and go to
letterman it's amazing the
self-importance they had on themselves and at the end of the day they were
worth nothing and what
they don't know about comics is that 90 of comics are fucking whores they have
zero loyalty so once
those motherfuckers are gone they're gone like they try to call people and say
hey how you doing in
comics just hang up on them we have nothing to get from you no more we have
nothing in common with you
i've spoken to 20 club owners that are gone that have said that jesus i called
tried to call titus
he never returned my call you got nothing for him well i'm putting together
this uh one night yeah from
pete to to him to to to uh uh mark babbitt to the guy in phoenix called me i've
reached out to 20
comics not one of them will help me you don't have a club no more guy i'm the
only moron that calls
your back because i feel bad for you because you were very good to me you know
sarah nye was the
biggest cunt ever who's that she chinese chick that worked for the improv guys
you don't know what
the word cunt was when you talk to sarah nye she was an asian chick that book
cleveland and buffalo in
the in the 90s and she would abuse you she would abuse you like if i ever see
you now i will you better
call it domestic violence because i will smack her in the mouth whoa that's
threatening you're not
allowed to threaten people on the internet this is terrorism she would this is
against the patriarchy
she would book miami buffalo and cleveland and what she used to do to comics
was rude the statements
you hear are the opinions of joey diaz and joey diaz alone my opinion in my
heart my nutsack
you know these people actually picked up this thing like they were important
and they were no more
important than talent well i get yeah well i got to tell you though in the the
the co-argument the
counter-argument to that is that mark babbitt i think as crazy as he was was
responsible for creating
a scene like a creative scene no i agree with you they had a goddamn open mic
night that laugh stop that
was packed remember it would start at like eight o'clock it would go to two o'clock
in the morning
and next door they would be doing another show so they'd have a show in the
main room which was a
perfectly shaped perfectly sized room that laugh stop in river oaks is one of
the greatest clubs
of all time all time and that maniac ran it and yeah apparently there was some
inconsistencies
with the books and there was all sorts of issues according to the owners yeah
there was a lot of
boys were missing on the back of milk cartons and that he had in the basement
that i have no knowledge
of but it was a fun club to work here's the thing that pisses me off i had he
broke my ball mark
babbitt was one let me just tell you the mark babbitt story mark babbitt went
to freddie soto
and said i'm looking for feature acts so freddie came up to me at the comedy
store and he goes hey
man mark babbitt's little feature i send him a tape i refuse to send the tape
especially if i'm at the
motherfucking comedy store okay i'm not sending you no tape why is that i'm not
missy shaw's comedy
store you want a tape you take a ride up here you want i'll send you a copy of
the 10 45 spot i get
i ain't sending you no tape i just refuse i never send no me a tape i refuse
especially people from
la that would call me we're putting together a tv show we need a tape uh 11 15th
economy store
no really yeah i don't send tapes mark babbitt i sent him a blank tape
hilarious okay i sent that jerk off finally because the manager i had ken phillips
kept calling me saying that guy from houston keeps calling you he wants you to
send him a blank tape
i fucking didn't send him a tape for a year finally one day i went to fucking ralph's
bought
a tape put an envelope and sent put joey dears saying there was none of the
tape you know that
motherfucker called me a week later and say he loved my tape and he hired me as
a feature actor
open for bobby slayton so fuck all you motherfuckers that whole tape thing is a
power move when you go to
a comedy club and you go to his office to get paid he's got a tv and he's got a
thousand tapes on
him with dust on him he don't watch those fucking tapes that's his fucking
power move okay send me a tape
i sent him the fucking tape so the first time he booked me he asked i called
him he goes i don't
have a feature spot for you but i have an emcee spot i'm gonna pay you 300
bucks bitch the plane
tickets 280 at that time was 220 or something so i took the week but i was
always looking for a better
week and i got a guy in toronto to pay me like 800 for a feature week uh uh bollywood
whatever the
fuck it was called up there so i did two weeks so i called babbit like a man i
told him the truth i go
babbit i got a week up in toronto i got two weeks for 800. fuck you and your
300 super bowl week with
david teller whatever the you're trying to pick me off with you know right and
he goes okay and about
a month later i heard he's never gonna hire you again you can't i don't give a
he told me oh he told
people i wasn't gonna work again all this and i called him up bro i called him
up and i said so
that's what you're doing you mean to tell me that you're not gonna fuck you he
called me back a week
later gave me two gigs opening up for paul rodriguez in bakersfield and then
this is that we were cool
but i sent them a blank tape that's so funny i can't believe you said i'm a
blank and then he called
me i loved it it was amazing joey d and joey diaz and i did a free show there
once and he lost his
fucking mind that we decided i came down it was when my first cd i recorded a cd
in houston
who called me pete from houston that's hilarious how cool is that he must be
listening i don't know
maybe somebody called him yeah i bet i bet that's because pete pete was the
owner's son and the the
they all they they found out some discrepancies babbit came in the middle of
the night and left with
everything see babbit was uh doing the carlos mencia concerts with the lap
stops money and then
he would put the check back in on monday morning so nobody knew this is an old
trick but when i was
a kid i knew a guy that worked at a bank that would give you cash 30 grand on a
friday you better have
that cash back by monday at 9 a.m or some people are going to come knock you
the out but he did
it out of the bank bro so we take the money out and then you give him like 30
40 40. the kilo days
you're gonna give you 30 grand for a kilo but you better be back here monday
with my 45. so he pull
it out of the bank pull it right out of the bank cash and give it right back to
you you gave it right
back to him on monday i was friends with that guy for years i met him my
sophomore year i was mailing
something something fell out i was working on a lumberyard and an envelope fell
down and when i went to
pick it up i heard the envelope i didn't say nothing i ripped i put it in my
pocket and then i went home
there was two credit cards and two checks one for like 20 and one for like 18.
and i i was gonna use
the credit cards i was a young kid my mom had just died i didn't know what the
to do and i went to a
buddy of mine who i knew his brother was a little up and he knew those people
and i said dog got these
two checks one for 18 one for 20. he wrote his brother's number he's called my
brother he'll take care
before he he called the brother brother met me the brother had to be like 20.
he came with like three
other fucking mafiosi's and they go what do you want from this i go i want one
of the checks and
you keep the other one because you'll have your cash tomorrow done those
motherfuckers gave me 20
grand in a bank envelope when i was 16 years old the week john lennon got shot
don't you think though
like we think about like how many guys that benefited from having babbitt run
that club oh it was a great
club it was a great club while he was running i'm just saying that i'm not
talking about the job they
did i was talking how most people ran around thinking they were the end all be
all like there's
a lot of club owners that they get to a point that they get so cocky they're
like oh i'll call in
hollywood you'll never work again and people really trip you know when i first
started this business
as a guy that's the holly the drummer from buddy holly he had books in texas
and he's a real cunt bag
what he does is he calls you and he goes i'm gonna pay you 250 a night from tuesday
to saturday
and then once the gig week comes up we only have saturday left well i can't
drive from boston to
fucking new orleans for saturday night no you know i'm not doing it so i was
working with the guy i had
a great relationship with the guy i moved to seattle and he gave me this week
in new mexico and i wanted to
go down they had great clubs in new mexico at the time sure enough the calls me
because there's only
one night it's saturday night i go dog i'm living in seattle now i could have
gone down there for the
other money but i can't go for one night this told me if you cancel on me
you'll never work on improv you'll never work for nobody
i waited to the night of the gig and i called this motherfucker at a quarter
eight he kept calling
me on the page where are you and i kept calling back i'm 30 miles out i'm 10
miles out at about
quarter eight i called this motherfucker i said don't you ever threaten me
again it looks like your
mother's headlining that motherfucker and i just hung up the fucking phone dog
don't you ever threat me
again you dumb motherfucker your mother's headlining the club so then a couple
years later i go to
houston and tell him no dog there's some guy he's looking for somebody go to
mississippi tomorrow night
for like 300 bucks and i go i'll do it and they told me the guy oh that's the
guy i beat they go he
forgot call him by now he forgot what did he say your name sounds familiar i go
listen i'm the
headliner i'm at the store i've done movies just give me the gig for three
bills he goes oh your
name sounds familiar call me tomorrow the next day i called because i remember
you you're the guy that
called me at 10 to 8. told me to my mother the headline did you still do the
gig the game no he
wouldn't give it to me that's the that's the that bothered me that's my thing
that we're young
we're stupid we're naive and we believe and those people take advantage of us
it's like anybody else
taking advantage of you he babbit was a great guy but the reason why the houston
comedy scene is the
way it is because babbit with those kids head at some point he had them like
don't look at me
don't make eye contact look at the motherfucking floor look at the kid that bombed
at the comedy
store he never did comedy again babbit had him tell him you were going to be
bigger than carlos
you're going to be bigger than this guy you're going to be bigger than this you're
the next bill hicks
you know well he did have bad taste right he had he had some bad like he would
tell you a guy i want
this guy to open for you and you would go what are you talking about like what
are you crazy i'm
not going to have people pay to hear that guy talk like he would have guys that
were they had nothing
there was nothing there this one guy who would just memorize these like fake rants
it was like this
long like have these big deep breaths in between the rants and just rant this
thing out like all these
stats and numbers and we say all this and it was because he had memorized it
all that it was so
impressive but there was no funny in it there was no comedy and it was like us
a trick it was like he
memorized all this stuff this crazy brand was that and then everybody go oh
that was great he did that
thing and that was his whole act was these rants but they weren't like a it
wasn't like a rant where
like he had a point where it made like a bill burr ramp or you know where it's
a rant but there's
all these jokes in it he's pointing out and you're laughing and no there was
nothing until the end in
the end you would clap he was one of he was one of the beginnings of
alternative comedy like people go
see him oh my god that's such a brilliant you know because when jesus jones
wrote that song you're like
jesus what the are you talking about yeah look he faded away and he cracked and
became a bartender or
something and that's what you know a couple my my breakthrough in my life
really came when i did
analyze that and i met that director when i met that dude that was that they
told him to go
himself on saturday night live what dude is that our ramus how old rate was he
really changed my life
really two hour i had a great talk with him about comedy and he goes i watched
your tape why don't
you go to montreal and i told wait a minute you had a tape i had a stand-up
tape at the time you gave
a tape to him i fucked you that's how he gets his tape that's how a ramus i put
together i can go
at that time i went to i went to see this lady know the rules no no i went to
see this lady
for a movie and she goes you're not perfect for this movie but my next movie
you're going to be
good for she goes i want you to keep in touch with me and it was ellen chenowitt
that is bad
like that just hangs out with deniro she was just doing that she did bronx
count she did bronx tail
those type of movies and she really took a liking to me so she would tell me
send me everything you
got i want to push you for this movie but i need for you to send me what you
got so i only had at
that time i only had the mesos i had that gay mafia thing that's all i had so i
put stand up on it
i had a really good set somewhere and sent it to her and i remember harold ramus
pulling me over
and he goes you're natural these pricks i see in montreal i got dick on you i
mean this guy said
this is harold ramus and he's the one that looked me in the eye and he goes don't
take
from these pussies either he goes they're all a bunch of people oh my god he
was like don't take
from these pussies don't take from none of these pussies because once you take
it it's like the
clemenza told michael it's they should have stopped hitler in munich once you
take their
shit and i remember i had i shot that movie in like september and uh that october
i did that no
that december pete from the goodness of his heart used to headline me in houston
the first guy to ever
headline me was pete houston that's why he still calls me and i give him the
respect as a man i still
call him and thank him nobody else would even feature me he was headlining me
he's like you're a
bad motherfucker he saw me with pablo in houston and he's like i'm gonna
headline you so he would
headline me in christmas for two weeks and pay me joe before anybody paid me
and i went down there
and did blow went crazy but that wasn't the point pete took care of me that
wasn't the point i did blow
i went crazy oh i used to go crazy not for nothing i just watched my episode of
cold case after two
weeks in houston i was like 400 pounds my neck was swollen from the sodium and
the fucking inositol and
clothesline and the cocaine my neck was swollen i would go to houston and just
eat that barbecue
every day and do blow every night and drink shot to jagermeister you know what
happens to you it is
awesome sounds great burritos from houston we'll put some fucking pounds on you
and i remember coming
back one day and i got a call from a guy at the at the improv and this guy was
this pretty cool guy to
an extent he goes hey man you know this is a true story joe this is like january
6th of 2003 and i had
just done analyzed that and this is the first time i was in a test when harrow
ramus said to me
he goes don't take from none of these comedy guys and tell them more to go
themselves you're a funny guy don't ever look back go and i got a call from one
of the heads of the
improv and he goes hey man uh we just got a call that you we have a club in houston
but you you're
working the other club and i said yeah that's when they were trying to make
people not work to use
this is early on this is 2003 before anything and i was driving on melrose and
he goes you know it's
not right that you do that we've always taken care of you and i go and i
snapped joe and i go
taking cami where in miami for 650 a week i do 13 shows and i outsell the headliner
because i'm cuban
how the do you take care of me when do you take care of me i go look at your
schedule right now
for the next six months go look at irvine am i in irvine am i in ontario am i
in
fucking brayer no no no you give it to all your boys so don't say you fucking
take care of me
and he goes well you don't understand all you have to do is ask well i'm
fucking asking open your book
right now oh i can't i have to no right now open your fucking book and they're
like no and i go listen
the conversation's fucking over well that's anti-competitive practice and i go
the competition
there i go the conversation's over and he goes no it's not because you just won't
work any of our
improvs and i go say that again to me i go say that again i'm gonna go down and
i'm gonna bang
your head off that fucking desk joe rogan just like that i was in one of those
cocaine morning
moves he caught me at like 10 15 a bad time to catch me in those cocaine days
because i was probably
broke and thinking of where am i going to get my next fix from and you're
calling me threatening me
at 10 15 the morning telling me i can't work houston when you don't do dick for
me
and i said say another word i'm three i'm three blocks from your office i'm
gonna go then i'm gonna
bang your head off your no i said you're gonna say something i'm gonna say
something you're gonna say
something i'm gonna say something that i'm three blocks from your office i'm
gonna go there i'm
gonna bang your head off your fucking desk and dog i heard a hang up and i went
home i didn't call
nobody i thought i was done at the improv and do you know that two days later i
got a call with three
weeks from the improv as a feature spot in southern california so sometimes you
got to put your foot
down with these creepy motherfuckers dog because they get a power up to in la
nothing happens to you
till they see you on television they treat you like once they see you in a
commercial
because now they know you know what you may not be that motherfucker but you
might become that
motherfucker so they don't give you everything they still break your balls but
they don't now they
know that you're real this could strike yeah that's the most important thing
with me that every year
i keep throwing jabs at them so they can talk all the they want but i'm still
alive you
follow me so they can say all this they want because yeah but i'm still here
what the have you
done when a company has too many rooms like that and they want too big of a
piece of the pie and then
they want you to stop doing the other rooms that are in town you've had a
relationship forever whether
it's atlanta or denver denver they had a big issue in denver where you know
when you go there wendy
will tell you the whole story about it she she had this meeting with people
that were going to open
up another club in town and they wanted to tell her they were you know they're
going to go either go
into business with her allow her to buy in or you know they're basically going
to run her out of
town wow she's like oh yeah good luck with that what are you guys going to do
for open mic
nights is one of the things she asked him and they said we're not going to have
an open mic night she
goes okay so let me get this straight you sell it's like if you sold widgets
why wouldn't you make
widgets you got to get your widgets from somewhere else like why don't you make
your own widgets like
you're not going to develop any widgets and they're like they're not thinking
in terms of like long term
especially like someone like wendy's the best case example wendy in my opinion
is the reason why
there's a denver comedy scene like her supporting those two clubs the comedy
works which two of the
best clubs in the country she's the reason why there's a scene in denver but
she's the best case
scenario she's a cool person she loves comedy she's fun to be around she does
it right but then you got
like a babbit that you got to deal with his or you got tom you got to deal with
his well i didn't have
to deal with it but you got to deal with it you know and these these people
they're responsible for
the scene they're a big part of the scene babbit was responsible for the scene
it's obvious once he
once he left the scene went away he was a he was a key cog in that wheel you
know and when you got a person like
wendy or a person like babbitt that's like a big player in the whole scene like
they're so important
because otherwise all you have is la and new york and chicago barely has a
scene what's the chicago
scene like chicago's working ripping and rocking is it ripping and rocking now
yeah where which club
you got the zanies which is downtown's a great club do they have an open mic
night
i don't know but the laugh factory is doing great brian morton my buddy is
kicking ass over there as
the manager they have an open are they developing dog he is he sells out on friday
and saturday with
no headliners no him that's how good brian morton's going after brian morton
walked into that laugh
factory said i want to be a county manager and jay masada said well uh buddy
who is your favorite
comedian he said joey diaz and every motherfucking shafia he said the guy
turned pale he hired him and the
dude's over there ripping that fucking place apart so who does he have local
guys local guys oh so he's got a
local scene but zanies is great and that one in richmond or the other one zanies
has three of them
yeah there's there's um what's the one that's just outside the airport is
tremendous that's tremendous
i've done the other one that's just outside what is it what is that it's a
great rich oh i would shoot
a special there i went off and so who's doing the open mic nights though does
the laugh there's a couple
clubs now there's a couple there's one other club in chicago the laugh factory
is doing a lot of open
mics there's a comedy scene in a lot of places now you'd be surprised you know
mike epps bought a club
in miami he did miami huh yeah does he live down there i don't know i don't
know the particulars
i just heard that but there's a lot of comedy going on do you think you would
ever want to own a club
yes it seems like it would be a huge headache it would be a huge headache
depending on how you did
it i think that the clubs they're opening now are huge headaches because a
there's a couple of weeks
a couple years ago i was in the mood for dairy coin i go terry there's no
fucking dairy coins we're
gonna go all the way to northridge what if the northridge had the dairy queen
tasted like dick
the reason why is because these had these people that never grew up on uh dairy
queen they bought
it as an investment they mixed it with orange julius and they don't know
nothing they're from another
country and they went to somebody and they thought that was the best thing when
you go when i go to the
dairy queen in tennessee that's owned it for 41 years when you go in there you
could tell he knows his
ice cream same thing with some of these comedy clubs now for some people they're
investments and they
come and go it's the people who really love comedy and i will tell you one
thing wendy was there when
i walked into that club in 1991 january 18th june 18 1991 when i walked into
that comedy club wendy
was there i'm gonna tell you something else wendy was doing things at that club
24 years ago that
nobody else was doing she was putting motherfuckers in like bobby collins on a
tuesday
and wednesday nobody was doing that and having a different headliner come in
wednesday and thursday
then have a different headliner coming friday and saturday don't tell me
because i was there
wendy is really good at what she does wendy is one of the top three comedy
people in this country
wendy can make a call and shut your lights out if she really wants to wendy
deals with everybody everybody
likes wendy wendy loves comedy when wendy dreams at night she dreams of an orgy
but there's a comedy
there's a comedy guy on tv doing stand-up while she's getting fucked okay that's
wendy
wendy knows comedy i respect wendy i never had a problem with wendy wendy asked
me to leave and i
wasn't mad at it was business it wasn't my comedy it wasn't that she hated me
it was something that
happened she's a real i'm never i never used wendy i'm talking about 50 of
these people
that they actually become the end-all be-all in comedy and we're scared of them
and they with us
they with you joe they with you at a lot of levels but do you imagine what it
would be like to deal
with comedians i mean they developed this j it's like if you deal like if you're
a woman okay and
you're walking down the street and everywhere you go men are cat calling you
and yelling
at you and freaking you out and you run into a guy in an elevator you're
automatically going to be like
what you know you're automatically going to be like jesus christ another guy
like i'm tired of
getting hit on by guys if you're a owner of a comedy club and you're dealing
with
wacko comedians all day long constantly we think about all the people that we
know that
are crazy crazy crazy all the people that we've dealt with over the years at
the store
i i i were the crazy diamonds were the craziest bunch in the world but there's
a certain way to
deal with there used to be a guy in san francisco at the punchline that you
hatch or whatever his
name was another that you go up there and there was no list he pointed you to
tell you he was next
and you had to sit there like an ugly girl at the prom and hope that he would
put you up and after
there was 50 people at the end of the night he'd go all right everybody gone
see you next week it was
like on the waterfront when those people went and they would get called on
union jobs right in the
morning you're working today you're working you're working the rest of you go
home he did it in a
way to make you feel bad todd sawyer did the same thing to people like cops
they used to do an open
mic on mondays i heard people used to call them club owners ago i'm sending joe
rogan up there to do it okay
then he'd come up like i don't have a spot for you bitch i came all the way up
to san francisco you
know what i'm saying right that was the douchey things well how about jamie
makes people wait in
front of the laugh factory he makes them sign up in the morning and wait all
day in the sun
in la it's a hundred degrees outside and there's a line around the side of the
building of people
waiting to go on stage for three minutes and that's actually waiting in line to
go next week you don't
you you you you have to wait in that whole entire line for just sign up for
next week's show where
you have to wait in line again so that it didn't used to be like that it used
to be the week of
okay no you are you go someplace and they sign you up and you come back and i
say listen
you get as many minutes as people you bring you're earning your keep that's one
thing i'd rather know
where i stand than get with that's the leg i'm talking about really you need a
tape of me you just saw
him at the store what the do you need if i'm good enough for mitzi shaw why do
you want to tape who
the are you in your shit town to want to tape from me i'm at the major league
of comedy
the comedy store you call me and you want to tape go yourself i'm not sending
you a tape
it's against my will it's like these people now with movies and tv joey they
they want you to do
a co-star but they want you to send the reel no don't send shit joey but they
no it's a co-star
they could offer it to me and if they don't fine i'll do my podcast and i'll
live another week
that's the mind and eventually they'll go this motherfucker isn't gonna we
might as well give
it to him i'm not doing it for that you want me to be a guest star or reoccur
you want to give
me a series regular i'll give you a tape and i'll come down and talk to you but
for a co-star we've
been doing this look at the imdb what tape who the are you who the are you to
decide let me see
your tape let me see your tape i ain't sending you no tape even then i had my
pride even then
i wouldn't send the tape though i refuse i finally sent a blank tape he gave me
that answer i never
had respect for none of them again because i found that it was a power play it
was like you're on my
court uh you know you want to give me some respect what respect what do you do
you're a pimp you take
20 percent of what people come to the door what the do you do what have you
done you can't even play
the ukulele the do you do you can't play the ukulele what the have you done
that's my that's where i'm
coming from i didn't want to insult club owners or bad but they did great jobs
it was the they pulled
that i didn't like i used to bring joey on the road with me like way back in
the day we started
going on the road together what like the late 90s yeah we started going on the
road together and i
would bring him to clubs and they would go you know i just don't think your
friend is a good fit for
this club i mean it's uh you know he's i'm like what do you do you not hear the
people laughing
i go they're they're all laughing you hear all those people laughing yeah it's
just not our kind
of comedy like what kind of comedy is that i go you don't like funny comedy
like i've had guys tell
me that he makes me look bad this is like way back in the day it's before
people knew who he was
and they were like you know let's just say you just don't think he's that good
and it's just not
what we want for our club and i'd be like i'd open the door listen to that you
hear everybody laughing
what's that you know they'd have these ideas especially in the 90s they had
ideas of like
what comedy was and there was a lot of pressure to be clean there was a lot of
a lot more push now
before the internet once the internet came along slowly but surely it sort of
expanded everybody's
idea of what's acceptable like even things on television are so like look at
the scene in the
walking dead i don't tell you spoiler alert when they hit the people over the
head with the baths
they cut their throats that was on cable television it's not on hbo i mean and
they showed it in the
most graphic way possible i don't think people would have accepted that before
the internet had
come along i don't think people accept that but now like our ideas are like
what you can say and what
you can't say they're all so different and you can get famous from the internet
and because joey's
become famous from the internet you know i get to say like see i told you i
told you you were wrong you
had this idea that everybody had to fit in your cookie cutter world and they
thought that i was
like a sick for thinking that you were funny i'm like i'm not the only one like
you're not hearing
the rest of the crowd but until someone comes along and puts you on a
television show or puts you in a
movie then they don't want to take that chance they don't want to take the
chance on this wild man
you know it was you it was ari duncan was the only one that nobody ever
complained about nobody ever
complained about me taking duncan someone there you know because he's he's a
good joke writer but he's also
not well he is now he's gotten much more offensive yeah like lately over the
last like three years
that's new joke he's got again i don't want to spoiler alert it but he's got
some great jokes
but it was this idea that comedy couldn't it couldn't be like what goes on at
the store
it had to be like what they saw on mtv it had to be what they saw on comedy
central you know it had to
be censorship listen joe they saw what they want to see i saw a fat little ugly
mexican woman for
years kill it late night marilyn martinez oh yeah and then one day and the girl
couldn't pay her rent
and then one day a girl by the name of lisa lampanelli came around with the
same act only she was a
white girl and she killed and they went crazy over well lisa's a really good
marketer you don't know
what they're going to go for what comes out of my mouth and what i i've seen
people say worse than
me and they love them and they love them you know i remember going for a
showcase for two and a half
men before the show even started you know that they were looking for comedians
for sidekicks at the
laugh factory ten years ago we all went on a monday night and their thing about
me that was they
really like me but he's a little too dirty for our show i never watched the
show about five years ago
one day i was in the hotel i put it on the whole show was about sex it was all
about charlie sheen
being a pervert being a pervert that was like so what were you what was your
point that night
embarrassing me to tell me i was dirty and i wasn't for your thing i i always
found that you got
uh chose picked on a little like as an example as a comedy and magic club i
remember he thought you
were too dirty but then ari was allowed to go on but he was a gentleman he was
a gentleman because
he told me to my face yeah that guy from the comedy magic club i give him the
utmost respect
because he told me on a saturday night after i went there and bombed he pulled
me aside and he goes
joey i think this is the last time you came down here you know they just you
know what the
up with him is and i'm not mad at that he's got that jay leno crowd right and
he told me to my
face and that's all i want dog dog joe rogan and i know that you i've been with
a little bit and
that's why i am as defensive and as i am i don't have time for these people and
i didn't have time
for them once i made up my mind that i was working hard and that i was doing
the right thing i didn't
let people influence i didn't want to go to montreal no more they can't they
don't hold on since 2004
i haven't wanted to do nothing i don't want to do nothing they're a part of you
don't see me i don't
bother nobody i'm in my own circle nobody sees me i go to the store i'm not a
part of the i don't want to
they don't want me and i don't want to include but i'm going to keep doing what
the i do and i'm
just going to keep getting funnier and i'm going to keep getting funnier and i'm
going to get a hold
of this and you're going to be where the are you going to be you're going to
keep saying you don't
like my style of comedy how bad are you going to look that's been my life since
day one dog i've
always been trying to prove somebody off of something no they don't like me i
can't be trusted well i'm
still here 15 years later and there's been no problems and nobody's missing a
head so for
you people who couldn't trust me you're wrong too if i wanted to rob you i
would have robbed you a
long time ago it would be my pleasure to rob somebody who talks about me that's
how i roll is
your nose stuffed up or is there something wrong with your microphone now it's
not my nose your nose
is not working at all is it i forgot you want to blow it do you want i did i
went before but you want
some tissue paper or something yeah i can excuse myself i'm sorry guys i just
thought there was
something wrong with the microphone i was hearing that weird crackling noise i
thought it was like
it was staticking out i see what they do to people i see what they do i know
when i can sit here and
cry some some amount of energy is you know it's good to recognize it and to see
what it is but you
know some amount of energy when you start talking about too much it becomes and
now and now i the best
line eddie griffin ever said was when he went to see amistad he saw white
people walking out covering
their faces i love seeing people that didn't like me 10 years ago i smile and i
wave my fingers well
do you remember that one time let's not mention any names but there was this
one agent that would
tell me that you weren't talented and then one day you and i were in first
class and he walked past us
the coach and joey was laughing at him look at this get back there where you
belong you know it's it's
hilarious filthy animal i think these guys get a little god complex and they're
not god because
they don't know the work and the effort we put into it it hurt my feelings and
a lot of it hurt my
feelings well you win joey but it was the best thing they ever did because it's
like they made it
hard for you yeah they made it hard for me now they're not around no there's so
many people who
are not around anymore who i thought would be around forever including a lot of
comics who came to the
store fucking barreling through the store montreal deals this and that and they
fucking disappeared
and then there's guys like me and ari let me tell you something i'm gonna tell
you something to
your face right now you too red man what ari did in front of me in vegas is
some of the best
material i've heard in the last two years i'm gonna tell you that right now
killing the biggie small
stuff it's hilarious about in china guys amazing best material i've heard the
last two years
and for you motherfuckers that had your complaints about it i remember somebody
coming up a club owner
telling me remember one of his first big jokes is texting and shitting playing
video games i'll never
forget that owner saying that was the worst bit he ever heard in his life and
me going another
fucking moron that doesn't know anything about what we're doing what was the
same thing it was like
there was no tv credits and i would bring you guys to open and they would just
decide that you weren't
ready or you weren't good or that i was picking the wrong horse and you know
they would tell me that
they would tell me that like these guys just they're not that talented i'm like
here you're out of your
fucking mind like i know what funny is i've been around funny for a long time
if i was a talent scout
i mean my my record for like picking guys to open for me that are funny that
turn out to be like big
headliners it's undisputed like every one of them everybody became a big headliner
you know all of
them it's like comics know what's good and you're not going to be good every
night there's not going
to be good every joke every time you try new shit you run the risk of it not
working but the guys who
try new shit are the guys who are good and the guys you know sometimes the sets
go bad sometimes things
go awry but that's because you're taking chances is these this cut cookie
cutter bland non-offensive
stuff that's not exciting to me what's exciting to me is people that do wild
and take chances
but when you don't have credits man they automatically assume look i've
experienced that the difference
between and my experience if i have it happened for me really quickly but the
the difference between how
people people reacted to me before i was on tv and how they reacted after i was
on television like the
gigs that i could get places that i could work i had the same act but all of a
sudden just one or two
tv credits and all of a sudden they let me in all those like uh early tv
credits that i got like
caroline's comedy hour and mtv half hour comedy as soon as i got that i was in
it's just like they
they needed a pass they needed to be able to say oh this guy's approved by a
higher power you know whether
it's mtv or whatever it is then you're on a sitcom like you could work anywhere
when i was a a kid and
i watched prior jamie vernon can't hold his bladder and i used to watch prior
whatever kennis brian
redband gotta pee on him i always thought that was the best time for comedy in
our lives but i gotta
tell you something right now in the last 100 years and i'm not talking this out
of my ass you could go
home and think about what the i'm telling you right now is the best time that
comedy has ever been oh yeah
and i'm gonna tell you why yeah they gave us greats they gave us gleason they
gave us this guy
they gave us that guy and how good really were they you know now today what we
have is we have
what you idiots buy into the that they shoved down your throat but guess what's
also happened
the underground has become mainstream because of the internet so you the that
they were pushing at
you 20 years ago the they're pushing at you at these comedy channels anymore it's
not the end
all be all now you motherfuckers are figuring it out for yourselves that they've
been shoving
down our throats well what you know what i know is there was this period of
time
for more than 10 years where they were focusing on what they thought what the
agents and the managers
thought was clever or inside comedy like comedy that the comedians thought was
appropriate there or that
that like certain groups thought was appropriate like you got that alternative
movement and they
were trying to push that hard like this was the hip guy to be attached to this
was the hip guy and how
many of those guys did we want just die die die die die fuck them die die and
they walked around like
they were doing something different yeah like they had what they were doing
even though it wasn't funny
it was better it was better because somehow or another you were you were
because you talked about
getting your dick sucked or doing coke like oh he's tapes who wants to hear
that it's funny that's what
you're missing you're missing like and that's one of the things that freed us
with podcasts
because you don't have to constantly like express yourself in a way where
people have this uh you
know this idea of you on stage you don't have to present who you are everybody
already knows you
they know who you are so when you're talking about something on stage you just
this is what i think
is funny about this you don't have to like this is what is his philosophy how
does he feel about the
new world order what is his thoughts on chemtrails how does he feel about is he
equal rights is he
pro-choice you don't have to say any of that like you don't have to establish
yourself as a left-wing
guy or a right-wing guy but that was like a big part of comedy for a while it
was like people would
do stuff that would establish themselves like guys would say things that weren't
funny at all but like
you know if you want to like bill hicks had a bit about if you want you know uh
if you want
people to not have abortions you raise those kids you raise those kids yeah
okay where's the joke there
was no joke in it because back then if you had an important point you wanted to
sandwich that point
in between jokes because in people a lot of times this day people get upset at
that comedy
and rightly so and they say it's preachy you're using your your your time on
stage to preach instead
of to be funny and you can do both and if you if you're not doing both you're
taking a shortcut
because you you you you have an advantage you're on stage if you're on stage
and you start talking
about something you have a point of view about republicans or democrats and it's
not funny it's just
your opinion if i'm in the audience i'm like i disagree you know i think this
my opinion it
differs i don't want to hear your opinion how come i can't talk about my
opinion but if you go on
stage with your opinion and you make me laugh well that's different because
then like you've planted
an idea in my head that i might not ordinarily accept ever but you've made me
laugh with it you
know and like ari says all the time that i don't agree with but it's hilarious
because he's not
necessarily even saying it because he agrees with it he's saying it because it's
a funnier thing to say
you know you do that too you say on stage i know you don't really mean but you
it's
funny and i talk about it i talked about in my last special it's a very
important point that we do
we say we don't really mean because it's funnier that's what comedy is and for
the longest time
there was this idea the comedy had to adhere to like uh certain rules in order
for it to be highbrow
or certain rules for it to be considered alternative or sophisticated or you
know this is uh you know
this is progressive stand-up comedy like but you're missing the funny part it's
missing a lot of that
to become this other thing to like fit into this ideology to be accepted you've
missing a lot of
the funny like it's not in there like you're certain things you don't talk
about like you won't talk
about sex you don't ever talk about sex like you're on stage you don't talk
about sex that seems
ridiculous to me like that's that seems outrageous and someone says like oh how
could this guy be good
he's doing jokes about i've heard people say that like you're telling me this
guy's doing jokes about
jerking off like yeah that's really challenging um i don't i'm not asking him
to climb mount kilimanjaro
all right i'm asking him to tell jokes that are funny that make me laugh i want
good stuff you know
it doesn't matter what it's about if it's funny it's funny and those people had
this idea and for the
longest time they pushed that idea but now the floodgates are broken now they're
fucking the brody
stevens are running through i mean everybody's running through brody could be
mainstreaming brody's
like squeaky clean but it's like nobody could figure out what to do with brody
and then all
of a sudden people realize like we got to put him on tv in some way like he's
goddamn hilarious like
how can we figure out a way to get that guy on tv and you're the same thing and
ari's the same thing
it's like the internet has allowed people to see what you really are you know
it allowed people to
see the and all they had to do is like see the numbers of the podcast that get
downloaded and then
they go well i guess we got to get on board here and then they all just get on
board it's 2015 and
a lot of these comedy clubs don't even know about the podcast is yeah it's
amazing and i'm like
this is your realm of business and you have no idea how to you know no i'm not
doing a park
you have guys have no you just want somebody to come in no no you guys have no
idea no concept
how can you not have no concept you're in your entertainment business they'll
know within a year
or two within a year or two everyone will know and it'll be the most important
thing that they they
invest in every comedy club if you have a local scene every comedy club should
have a podcast
you should have your own podcast how hard is that you got a guy coming in for a
week you tell him
hey come down you're going to do this radio station you're going to do that
radio station you're going
to do our podcast for an hour we'll put our podcast up that day everybody is
addicted to the podcast
they know who the guys are that are going to be on that week hey nick de paulo's
in town he's going
to be doing the the blah blah club podcast you know the ice house chronicles
podcast or the uh
flappers finale podcast whatever the you know name it up the comedy store
countdown you know whatever the
hell if every club should have its own shit so like you you have the guy who's
you know maybe not the
store because we don't it's not like a headline club for the weekend but any
club that's like the
like zanies in nashville they should have an hour podcast they release every
week with the headliner
how hard would that be you know have a local guy host it have them understand
that the idea is to just
shoot the shit with the you know if you had a good local guy you could do it
and you do it under the
name of the comedy club but maybe even switch hosts out like maybe you have the
middle guy in the
headliner every week do a podcast together but then you get a lot of people
addicted first of all
addicted to that podcast and excited about going to the club that week that
weekend yeah i mean how
hard is it to do you know who's been doing that for a while is the atlanta yeah
haven't they because
i remember the punchline interviewing you a long time ago jamie yeah yeah yeah
that was uh jesus that
was like when we first started doing podcasts even longer than that maybe did
he have a podcast before
we did yeah i think i remember him interviewing you interviewing you in the
office and this was like
when you threw me up on stage the first time uh back from my break which was
like i want to say six
years ago or so you're right it was probably before we even started ours yeah
yeah yeah yeah he had a
he had a good sense of it well that's a good club too that fosters local talent
there's a lot of local
guys that come out of atlanta that uh they're actually moving the punchline you
hear that they're
losing their location oh no yeah they're moving to another spot they apparently
had a they had
always had an issue with parking there and apparently just got to open up an
improv in that green room
did they an improv opened up in atlanta and they have oh did he they have that
laughing skull too it's a
great spot laughing skull's a great spot yeah and i'm gonna tell you something
else about wendy and her
defense in 1994 wendy hired two headliners to help the open micers develop do
you know that hired them
like to help write their material you would meet at six at the comedy works she'd
buy she'd cater it
get like tacos and you sat around and you wrote material with the headliner and
then you went did the
open mic and the headliner graded you wow a lot of clubs 1994 matt woods was
the guy who gave me the
talk who told me get your life together don't come back here you're funny but
you're wasting your time
right that's how i got that she used to pay matt woods wow and she paid a
couple other guys
man so that's how much she had foresight like she really believes in developing
they give you
three minutes once a month at the comedy works that's what it used to be then
you had to work around
town you had to do mckelvie's wit's end you had to do those open mics you know
but wendy always did
try to homegrown her own comics you know all those holidays she puts locals you
know anytime she could
sneak locals in there you know her lineup is killers a lot of people used to
bring their own people
because they didn't like working that because she'd have rick kearns you know
todd jordan steve
mcgrew and some guy had to come in and follow it was hard for them it's really
so they guys would
bring in their own acts because the local guys were too strong she always had
help so it's like the
comedy store so what if i call the comedy store and say all right i'm coming in
for the weekend
thursday friday saturday i'm working it but there's no feature or mc it's the
comedy store lineup
so i'll go in and it's you marin and sebastian and i'm going up the headline i
don't want to follow
that mess yeah that's work jack so a lot of people started bringing their own wendy's
very smart wendy
had a club in tampa when the comedy forks first when i first got involved with
the comedy works
they had tampa and fort collins really and when they used to send me up tampa
florida tampa florida
and fort collins i used to go to fort collins when i first started wendy sent
me to fort collins
every tuesday every monday or something wednesday they did an open mic four
comics did five minutes
and then they started the regular show and then they closed fort collins they
closed tampa and they
kept uh denver because denver was her bread and butter wasn't she going to open
in chicago at one
point in time too yes yes but wendy's very smart man wendy knows that you're
not going to do the job
nobody's going to do the job you're doing unless they love comedy as much as
you do right wendy's very
hands-on yeah and get somebody to run your club that loves you go you know you
you've been to a club
when you walk in you're like yeah these people don't know what the they're
doing this guy was at a
an olive garden for eight years pushing spaghetti right now he's doing comedy
it doesn't translate
the chicago improv remember the guy was watching us we couldn't smoke dope we
couldn't bring people
up on stage remember we came out to uh yeah to to uh we had some craziness
going on once and they were
freaking out they were freaking out people on stage with them we can't have it
yeah the green room we
came out to bob marley exodus oh i don't know we have this dentist music we're
going to a con we're
like no this is yeah they were trying to do some goofy you know that you know
what's funny there's
two things that happened there was like two shifts and uh bringing you guys on
the road with me the
first one was like people didn't want you guys because you were too dirty but
the second one was
why are you bringing these guys they're too good this is like there was a there
was a shift somewhere
like in the 2000s where you know i tell people you know joey diaz comes on the
road with me like
they're like you have joey diaz open for you on purpose like why the would you
do that
but it's what you were talking about with this denver thing like people don't
want to follow
people that are strong like funny acts but doesn't that make it fun for
everybody fun for everybody
like why is that why is that a bad thing you know i mean that's it should be
the opposite attitude
i mean if you've worked on your comedy and your comedy is good you should be
excited that the whole
show is really good and you just ride that wave go on after especially if you
are friends with the guys
who are on the show with you if you love them you want them to have fun you
want everybody
to laugh at them because you love them and then you just like we did this show
we just did in vegas
vegas that show was amazing that was a fun show it was ari duncan joey me and
the mirage that
fucking terry fedor showroom is so good they have they set it up for that ventriloquist
dude so the
voice has to be perfect you know you have to be able to hear his voice his act
so the speaker system
is amazing you're in the i was in the back of the room i could hear everything
like crystal clear when
you were on stage i was in the back of the room not this time but one of the
other times we did it
you hear everything you say crystal clear it's perfect it's amazing room but
just to emphasize
that you know a lot of comics listen to these shows these podcasts and they
walked around like i did
scared you know and then one day i got it i'm like these this is my playing
field and
if they don't like it they're gonna go down and my life changed my comedy
changed my outlook changed
you know i let them scare me the same way i let people scare me about life you
know when i was
young and then one day i said fuck you motherfuckers and it's the same thing
and i'm happy i did that
with comedy i would have been running scared you know there's club owners that'll
come with you
and go hey next time there's a club owner that i worked for years ago they'll
come up to you hey
man you should put something on that joke and then after you got off the second
show he's like
you didn't add my tag bitch i don't know you who said that to you there's some
jerk
hole that's still around i don't want to you know he would come up to me and
say oh this tag would
sound better but get the you know get the out of my way home he'd tell me again
you got to really
use my tag until one day i said dog what was the last time you were on stage i'm
not gonna use your
tag the out of here and then after that he would hire me wouldn't talk to me
the whole weekend
look at the out of my face all right you know that guy you know we work hard at
what we do
but you got to respect that it's like a plumber or an electrician coming to my
house and me telling
them how to do his job what the am i you booked me now you're gonna tell me how
to do it
get the out of my face well a lot of them used to be comics there was a lot of
guys
oh those are the worst those are the worst those are the worst those are the
words that was the
comic did you know the cast was a comic early on yeah but he went but he became
a good fucking
manager you know these guys oh hi you right now become jesus these guys well
the proof is in the
pudding he had dain he had a lot of good people that's had it's a good word
that's my point
but still he had him and he developed him and they did something while he had
him
uh there's people who are comedy club who are comedians that one day go oh wait
a second
i'm gonna figure out how to make money on these jerko's then they become comedy
club owners there's
a couple of them with local clubs around here that tell you what to say you can't
work clean
can't work clean but you can't work dirty oh you can't work dirty and they don't
want to pay you
oh come do radio we're not going to give you a hotel what are you talking about
you're a comic
so when i work for a comic i let them know right off the bat listen before this
goes any further
you're a comic so i'm not going to have to tell you how to act correctly
what's that mean that there's a tv in the green room that everything's copacetic
because you're a comic
and that's when i just don't every time i don't understand what you're saying
there's a comic there's a tv in the green room if you're a comic there better
not be no misunderstandings
because you're a comic and you know the business right you know how we act you
know how it works
i don't want to hear no misunderstandings about checks or how the green room
should be or there
should be sodas in the green room you're a comic if you're a comic and i go to
your green room it's
the size of a closet you're not a you're a scumbag just trying to make money on
comics
if a comic opens up a room i want that room to be that much better because you're
a comic if a
comic opens opens a room well how many comics open a room a lot of brad garrett
a lot of vegas
you know just rad garrett's club is supposed to be the yeah and brad garrett
was the
that's a big difference he wasn't a bad stand-up i'm talking about guys that
were bad stand-ups
and then one day go i'm gonna become a stand-up then they try to tell you when
you get there you're
like do me a favor bro this is not what you're doing you headline your fourth
of july and christmas
come back then tonight uncle joey's here get the out of my face if we were
gonna buy a club
it would be the ice house the ice house would be the core flappers by flappers
really flappers
is a beautiful club just well it's hard to get people to go to a club you know
like think about
everybody that goes to the store everybody goes to the improv there's like
there's only so many guys
you know there's so many clubs that we could work out here you know like when i
was preparing for
the last comedy central special i was doing the haha on tuesday nights i was
doing the improv
i was doing irvine occasionally i was doing all these different classes like
constantly ice
house hopping all over the place like there's a lot of clubs here this is like
as far as like a hot
bed of of places to work this is one of the best spots in the country have you
been in the new ice
house yet what are you talking about the new i mean new uh haha there's a new
haha yeah oh the one
across the street supposedly they just had a cold open on uh january 1st and it's
i heard it's
beautiful i heard it's like four months ago they were doing shows there no they
they had a show
there they just didn't happen license right there wasn't quite a show it was
like an invitation only
party that was not catered with alcohol i haven't seen it but i heard it was uh
i heard it's like the
ice house i heard it's like the ice house main room stage bigger though it's
bigger yeah it's like
the ice house only sits like 100 something this is like 200 something yeah but
still small you know
still like maybe a little bit bigger than the or you know but not as big as the
main room i did the
main room the other night and then i did the or afterwards the or such a better
it's such a better
room or it's the best that's the way you're supposed to do comedy jammed in
there stacked on top of
each other low ceiling it's the most fun and the closest thing to the r is the
san francisco punch
yeah closest thing to the r they just tried to offer me to but to do the cobs
again i said no no no no
cobs is a great club but the punch line is so intimate i don't care about the
money i just want
to have a great time i don't give a just let me go up and go crazy what do i
give a
yeah it's worth paying or getting paid less to do that club yeah there's just
some rooms to that if i
opened up i think they're opening up a club with too many moving parts now i
think they're getting ahead
of themselves and it's like i always say you put all these smart guys together
they do the dumbest
thing in the world you know i still love this that's what i do i want to do
comedy right there in front
of that wall brick walls anything else on there i don't you're wasting my time
you want to serve food
go serve it on your own time just give these motherfuckers stiff drinks stiff
drinks let them get
fucked up and sit there okay you know really uh oh the 600 seats when do you
get 600 people in here
really kevin hart's gonna play here not in your dreams you dumb well they wind
up papering yeah a lot
of it's a waste you need two fifth two hundred two and a quarter for a great
room brick a tremendous
sound system sell hot dogs next door or do something special but after the show
so you don't have to
fuck with the wait staff and let them go in there and sleep drinks bro two
shows you know get that's
what i would do as a comic the green one would be paradise you know there's
things that you do
these people now opening up clubs thinking that 600 people are going to show up
you know last night
i saw something interesting again i was in the room last night and i came out
my wife was watching the
fucking emmys whatever the fuck was on last night and who's in the fucking emmys
up there standing
killing it but margaret choe dressed as the korean guy with white powder on her
face walking across
stays like fidel castro and i'm thinking about what they put her through 20
years ago and how they
did to her and when they gave her that abc show because after the tim allen
rush after the tim allen
rush okay they after the tim allen and roseanne rush something happened the
network said we got to get
a bunch of comics that's it that's the idea so they gave greg giraldo a show
they gave tom rhodes a
show on nbc butler brett butler a show on abc and they gave that poor margaret
choe and then they
insulted her they told her not to be chinky they were saying all this to her
you know be more chinese
they were just insulting her insides then they canceled everybody and you know
what half of these
punks today would crawl under the tree i'm looking at margaret choe last time
going i bet margaret choe's
happy that she didn't quit or bail out or got hooked on drugs margaret choe
said you
motherfuckers i'm just gonna get stronger as a comic she built up a huge
following on the row whether
they're gay or not they spend books and she sells out that is tatted from her
head to her
toe with you and korean letters to all these gentiles and 20 years later that
chick was killing
it last night on stage with amy pola and tina fey the two hottest comedy chicks
in the world how you
like me now what they put that chick through 20 years ago they embarrassed her
they made her feel
like she had told her to lose weight do you remember the that she came out with
years later they told her
she was never going to work again you're doomed for going against the network
well how'd she go against
the network so she told them what they were telling her they lose weight there's
no fat asians
oh my god the they were saying to margaret choe that she came out and said
later
last night if i was margaret choe i would have took this cuban disgusting out
with that
foreskin on it and said here you go america yum-yums for a week this ain't a
malfunction of
a wardrobe this is just to tell you that you can't stop comedians bro we just
get better don't you
know that you dumb motherfucking club owners and you tv dumb fucking cunts we
just get while you're
giggling and onto your next mindfuck we're taking that joke and breaking it
down and getting on stage
and getting better these fucking people david tell nobody goes to see david
tell he's funniest as he's
ever been because that's all we do unless we're fucking cunts and go away but
we don't go away
we don't go away we're worse than fucking roaches you know how proud i was last
night for margaret choe
do you have any fucking idea dressed up there with a hat on a white fucking
thing on her face dog
that 20 years later she probably thought she was done what do you think when
they cancel your show
after three seasons what the do you think you're done who's gonna hire me look
at that
bitch she didn't quit and that's what these comedy club owners and that's what
all these guys that
have an opinion on comics always remember you go away you worthless fucking faggots
you go away you go
away we keep going how long did burns do comedy with to with a fucking cigar in
his mouth these
motherfuckers don't know nothing about nothing they don't know nothing about
nothing that's why
now every morning i wake up and i go somebody's sucking my dick today someone
one of these tv guys
gonna hear my name last week they had to drive by the melrose improv and see my
name there all week and go
that fucking coke that fat motherfucker i didn't do anything i just stayed here
well you kept work
i kept working i didn't give up but everybody doesn't keep working right some
people get tired
i never gave a about none of those cunts with their threats that you're not
gonna i don't give
a fuck dog i'm gonna get strong and once i got off the blow now they really
gotta suck my asshole
now it's two live crew now they gotta suck my dick and your asshole too
blow your nose blow your nose you're killing me
this don't know crackling these motherfuckers don't know i don't know how you
can breathe like
that i know it reminds me of your old nose or when you before you had your
operation my old nose
yeah or it was carved out i was very nasally just throw it on the ground there
no there's a garbage
yeah my old nose was useless joey maybe you should get your nose carved out
have you had it does you
have a dizzy septum mark i don't know i don't know what the can you usually
breathe out of your nose
once i get out i gotta bring spray with me to jujitsu you gotta bring what
spray with the jujitsu
really always i go into close guard i gotta tap out and go spray my nose
steroids something about
leverage with me or something then once i clean out it's good ever since i had
an ear infection
a couple years ago i went swimming i had an ear infection then i went in and uh
i flew
like i fucked up and i went to the doctor and he stuck the fucking probe in my
nose my nose has been all fucked up and they sent me their sprays but this
sprays suck
i live on afric you get addicted to that stuff too the real issue with those
sprays is your
your the inside of your nose gets addicted to that spray and won't open up
unless you have it
it's very common people get and when you're you know your body's responding and
wants that
shit it swells up it makes it worse it's terrible does your nose ever rage rage
out
stop me rage against the dying of the light oh it's not that kind of steroids
well they gave me i have steroids at the house i'm supposed to spray two times
in there
addicted to nose spray it's a shame but i'm writing addicted to nose spray here
and yeah
nasal spray addiction is it real mayo clinic yeah does cocaine close it right
or clean it right out
though like if you do a bump will that we'd be able to breathe immediately oh
my god cocaine's the
best fucking note the spray they gave me now the doctor gave me the
prescription if i hit my nose two
times for like five minutes i go into confusion because it feels like that okay
it has that thing
to it what they're saying is it's not a true addiction because uh a true
addiction what happens
is like you you get sick if you don't have it uh true addiction is a compulsive
physiological need
for and use of a habit forming substance known to be physically psychologically
or socially harmful
um the what the nasal spray happens is you put that stuff in and after a few
days of using it your
nose may become less responsive to the effects of the medication as a result
you need to use more and
more of the medication to control congestion or your congestion may worsen if
you stop using the
medication that happens to people apparently that happens to people with xanax
too like they say
there's like some sort of a rubber band effect of xanax like if you you know xanax
calms your anxiety
but when you start getting off of it like your anxiety like heightens and worsens
to a place
where it probably wouldn't even be if you were on it if you weren't on it in
the first place
and i think that's what happens with these uh sprays do they get you coming and
going joey diaz
they get you coming and going these fucks spraying up your nose if you get your
nose carved out though
you know if you ever want to go and do it my guy retired my guy feinberg and
encino he was the best
he he had like he was he was so fucking he would so patient meticulous when you
would talk to him and
take notes with him but he would talk about what people did wrong and what
people did right and here's
the common errors and here's where they fuck up and you know and this he's he
had been doing it for
fucking years he was like in his 60s when he did my operation but he made my
nose wider like if i look
at photos of my nose before the operation and after my nose was all sucked dead
and i did i just didn't
talk as well i couldn't breathe out of my nose very well my voice sounded
different and he stuck
these fucking plastic things in there and cut everything out cut the turbinates
out removed chunks of
meat i used to take the i thought i took photos of it and i put some of them
online remember the video
of me blowing my nose with the water pick i have fo i had photos of the boogers
that i would blow out
these bloody giant hunks they were thumbs i would blow i threw i showed it to
tom segura once in the
airport he almost threw up i go look at that dude it just came out of my nose
you would like he ran
away but that guy cleaned my nose out i have two holland tunnels man i'm just
like before that how was your
jujitsu breathing terrible my cardio got 20 better david jujitsu reagan's guy
goes i think with you
it's a deviated septum my friend oh i guarantee you that's an issue do it he
goes i guarantee you'll
lose weight because more air goes in there well that's what vanderley silva
when vanderley silva
had his nose fixed he had all that facial surgery they took a piece out of his
rib and reconstructed his
nose and made his nose bigger like if you look at vanderley's nose it's way
bigger than it was before
because he he had a big chunk of it to open up his nose like vanderley ain't
trying to look better he's
still trying to you up like when he got his nose fixed it wasn't good he wanted
to look cute but his
nose was completely smashed in and flattened there was like no cartilage at all
it was just smashed and
flattened and if you look at like what his face looked like when he started
fighting in like the late
90s as opposed to what he looked like in the early 2000s like his nose was just
a pancake and so he had it
fixed and stuck way the out like way bigger than it was before and all just so
he could breathe better
and smash your fucking face is it when vanderley silva it's funny as shit man
let me tell you something
right now they should just call vanderley go vanderley look at truce just truce
what the ufc you can't
it's the nevada state athletic commission what we're gonna do is this we don't
want you to come back
during ufc tonight we're gonna tape you every week just doing a segment that's
it because just talk
about stuff because now he has a remark for everything that happens so he stuck
up for john
jones last week right you know he stuck stuff for everybody and it's always at
the end of dana's at
the the end of a punching bag or the ufc right you know like dana what do you
think of john jones like
they just go to van lee he's like shooting decker and some guy's rubbing his
back and
shit and some ladies shooting him in the arm and they're like vanley what do
you think of john jones
hey i give him my heart he had a problem it's the ufc and that's it because it
always ends with the
ufc the ufc did it nobody else did it van yeah very good uh good train good hot
train uh very very
beautiful dana white thank you for dana white thank you for help thank you for
ufc yeah that guy um he
fucked up man you can't run from a drug test and then he ran he ran from a drug
test and then was
talking about how the ufc doesn't pay its athletes and all this and then the ufc
okay you made 9.7
million dollars fighting for us here's your record the ufc put his record out
like here's your record
here's how much money we paid you you made 9.7 million dollars i don't know
what you think a lot
of money is but a lot of people would think nine million dollars is a lot of
money like two years
or something well it's several years probably five years he was fighting but
the point is he didn't
five years he only fought six times that was the other thing like they're
saying you you we work you
so hard you're fighting once a year essentially but not only that on top of
that like vanderley didn't
have a winning record like vanderley got beat by chris lieben vanderley got
beat by uh
rampage jackson knocked him out like he got beat by a lot of guys he's a great
fighter and a fan
favorite and personally like my all-time favorite guy to watch i think i think
if i go back to like
the pride days i love the pride days for two guys especially well three minotaro
in his prime four
crow cop in his prime fedor for sure fedor was the motherfucker but vanderley
was a destroyer
he was a destroyer he was so aggressive and psychotic and you would watch a vanderley
fight
you always knew you were going to see some crazy you know that's when they had
stomps and soccer
kicks and he's stomping dudes in the head holding onto the rope stomping
tomorrow in the face when he's
down i mean vanderley was amazing man his fights were awesome to watch but you
you know that hard hard
career and then comes over to the ufc and now he's got like really strict drug
testing and all this other
shit and so when he took off from that drug test man i mean that was a just a
colossal fuck up
you're better off testing positive you test positive they they they ban you for
nine months
that's it they fine you they ban you for nine months they tell you you can't
fight that guy
and you know you have to go through a suspension but when you take off they had
to send a message
they're like this is for life like you can never fight again i personally think
that's too much but
the fear of it and the fact that he's going to be out for who knows how many
years while he fights it
and if he wins a lot of people think he will win in court the nevada state
athletic commission
doesn't have the jurisdiction to test him against his will you know in between
contests because he
wasn't licensed for them like in preparation for licensing the idea of random
drug testing a lot
of people have issues with that including like vanderley's attorney but the
bottom line is they're
going to make you go to court you're going to have to do battle and even if you
win they'll let you
fight again you still wasted all those years of your life and no one's going to
run from a drug test
again because they're going to know that the drug test like running for it is
way worse for you
than taking it and failing it that's the message they're trying to send they're
trying to clean up
the sport there's only one way you got to take your test and if you fail well
you have to be punished
it's that simple otherwise you're not playing by the rules if you're not
playing by the rules you
can't fight for us you can't just run away you know i don't agree with the
suspension i think a
lifetime suspension is ridiculous especially since look vanderley's not going
to fucking he's not going
to become a composer he's not going to i mean you're taking away the guy's
livelihood i mean he can teach
and he can train guys i guess but vanderley still has fighting him he still
wants to fight he had some
good fights lined up that chael sunnen fight would have made him a load of
money that chael sunnen fight
i don't know like what they're going to pay him for that but how much that
fight would be worth
especially if he could beat chael sunnen and do it in brazil that would be
gigantic
but he fucked up too man when he was on that show he got embarrassed like the
brazil was upset at him
there was a lot of people in brazil that are upset at his performance and
behavior on the show
where he attacked chael sunnen a lot of people thought he made them look bad
and chael sunnen took
him down real easy on the show you know vanderley took a swing at chael and chael
ducked and took
him down it's like come on are we seeing what's going to happen on the show
like you and you're making
us look like thug like you're starting to fight in the middle of a fucking a
television broadcast talk
all the shit you want but be there when the actual fight goes down so both the
guys tested positive for
shit it wasn't just i mean vanderley might not have tested positive but
essentially did
and chael sunnen was he was positive for everything everything that existed
everything other than
testosterone he was on he was on all these different testosterone boosters and
epo which the lance
armstrong shit to make more oxygen your blood you know they have to clean up
the sport it's unfortunate
that vanderley has to go out like that because the guy was you know so he can't
fight even atlantic
city like nowhere he can't fight anywhere not only can i not fight anywhere
bellator was going to hire
him to do promotional shit for them and the ufc's like you're under contract
with us like not only can
you not work for you know us fighting but we won't let you work for the the
competition in any sort of a
promotional way but that was also because vanderley talked a lot of shit you
know he was talking a lot of
shit about the ufc and who the knows man it's sad i hope he i hope it all gets
cleared up i mean i think
the guy should have got suspended for a while but i don't know what the number
is i ran from a drug
test once did you the fence came right to my house i wouldn't open the door i
wasn't even hot i was high
being hot last night or two nights ago i was high on weed or a coke everything
i sent my wife somewhere where the did i go my friends came out i was on
probation
and i did something i told my wife me and my buddies were going to aspen so she
left that afternoon to
her parents or something with the baby and i stayed at the house blasting and
they call me they go what are
you leaving i go i'm already at the you know i'm going right now the car's
coming we're leaving
and they go okay we thought you said five o'clock no no no one o'clock i'm
leaving right now i gotta
go and i hung up about ten minutes later the guy knocked on the door we were
talking in the kitchen
we got to hide i had to go upstairs they kept knocking i think i could hear
somebody in there
can't hear nothing are they allowed to they're not allowed to break in they can't
break in for a drug
test they just come to your house but if he would have knocked them and said i'm
not giving him a
drug test he would have came back with a sheriff oh right right right they call
the sheriff
i would open the door dog you know what's the most up is drug tests for
companies
where they test you for weed and you're not even like it's not even like while
you're on the job
like ups something like along those lines like they'll test you to make sure
you're not doing drugs
while you work for them as if someone can tell you what to do with your time
like when you leave
like you could start drinking at monday at five o'clock you could ask everybody
at work hey you
guys want to go do drugs let's go down to the bar and do liquid drugs and
everybody's like yeah we're
gonna go meet joey for a couple liquid drugs you know and everybody's fine with
that because it's all
alcohol it's all legal and but if you said hey you know you guys want to smoke
some joints after this
over everybody be like what the fuck man you're gonna get fired from ups they're
gonna drug test
you you're fucked and they will they they could they could hit you with a
random drug and they could
fire you bait and you could get drunk as fuck from 5 p.m to 10 p.m sunday night
crash wake up head
pounding drive into work hungover as fuck drinking pediolite and gatorade and
water and and you're fine
nobody nobody nobody can say a word they'll drug test you you'll pass a flying
collar as long as you're
not actively drunk on the job you're fine that's some goofy shit a kid hit me
up from boulder
he went to get a job at fisher they take your fucking hair now jack don't god
of the piss take
your hair yeah that should be illegal that's a invasion of privacy to vegas too
at those casinos
hair come on give us the hair so you can't smoke weed can't do nothing dog what
if you have a medical
prescription there's a lot of places don't even give a fuck even if you have a
medical
a medical prescription i don't give a fuck about nothing i was thinking the
same thing i was
thinking about let's say a guy that's in a californian prison
not getting the right medication for whatever his thing is eventually that's
going to happen
some guy in prison is going to raise his hand and get an attorney
i don't know what he's going to win but you lose your rights when you're a felon
you lose your rights to what you lose your rights but i don't think you lose
your rights to proper
medical attention so if you get diagnosed with adhd or something like that the
doctor says cannabis is
the best medication what do you think and it's a state law it's a state law
this is a federal the
federal law is the real issue the federal somebody in california is going to
eventually go i'm not
getting the right medication in prison because they don't we're almost out of
time so i got to ask you
about this because this just came out what like the whole john jones thing you
know knowing your past
and your your past experiences with coke what did you think about that when
that all went down
i had heard rumors i'm not gonna lie to you i just didn't say nothing to you
because i didn't want
you you know drilling me that night we were in vegas and we ate the mushrooms
and we came back and
john jones was at the dinner table i told dara when john jones got up there's
rumors he's doing blow
from here in l.a two people told me and you know me i don't care i never
repeated it i'm not that type
of person i just but didn't surprise me i'm not mad enough it breaks my heart
people are sitting there
that don't do blow and are wondering how can a champion risk his family and
everything cocaine has no
nothing i had a baby inside the room with my wife in there i'm on federal
probation and i'm snorting
blow outside i'm hiding the beers in the snow i would let the dog out that's
what i would do
she'd be in the room reading what are you doing i'm letting the dog out that
dog was the only dog
that went out every 15 minutes he'd go out i'd open the can of beer crack it
drink it down it put
it back in the snow and i'd do two lines and go back in the house that's
hilarious knowing that
they were going to throw me in jail knowing knowing they were going to throw me
in jail if they pissed
test knowing i would drink vinegar i told the story out here before when i went
through that year in the
halfway house drinking vinegar and putting pool cleaner on my dick and you know
cranberry juice and
vinegar and gatorade and just letting it go when you're addicted like that
nothing means anything
you know here's a question here's a question is it possible that a guy could
just enjoy a little
coke every now and then yeah you say yes yeah but you you don't have an
addiction thing you've done
coke before you've never been addicted but he's found himself in dark places if
not he'd do it
every night he knows how scary it is i can see where every night i could yeah i
could see where for
certain people once you get scared with it yeah then you respect it but don't
you get scared with
alcohol too like if you get really drunk and up i've been really drunk and up
before i was like wow
you could die from this you know i've thrown up in garbage cans i mean i've
been hammered before
where i i think i wonder like isn't that just as destructive as cocaine no
because you're not
spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars every night on alcohol usually you
know if you usually
drink a bottle of jack and you puke where cocaine you could be up till 10 in
the morning still buying it
you know oh because you keep going you keep on going because it's it's energy
it's pretty much
just like hey i'm awake i feel great i want to get done i want to so that's the
issue is that you keep
going yeah so like a guy like john jones who has a lot of money like the money's
not an issue for him
but the keeping going is an issue keeping going and bitches man because the
bitches love cooking
where was he going we had i feel very bad for greg jackson's camp because
somebody had to know that
yeah well people probably knew you know but they also knew he's the baddest
motherfucker doing it
with in fighting right now nobody just goes buys a package and does it by
themselves right he's got
to be doing it with somebody my heart goes out to him but does but do you think
he could be fine with
it i mean brian do you think he could be fine with it do you think that if you
if you're a disciplined
guy you know because you you haven't had the problem that that maybe joey's had
you know you've never
been like full-on addicted like for long periods of time no so do you think
that a guy like him who's
an athlete who's a strong-minded dude is very disciplined i mean john jones
when he's training
like when he trained for this fight for daniel cormier he was disciplined the
word on the street
the word from albuquerque was this guy's training hard twice a day doing
everything
he can to beat this mother well he got popped this end before so obviously he
wasn't training that hard
he got popped four weeks before the fight it's true that's a good point so he
didn't get he wasn't
training that hard he was still doing the cocaine which is mind-boggling to a
guy like me but i
understand it because i was addicted uh it just depends how much he does i know
people that just
do it i had a friend that was a tremendous athlete and one night in front of me
he whipped out a package
and i almost died and i go what the are you doing and he goes at the beginning
of the night i always do two
bumps so i can drink with the rest of these assholes and i throw it away or i
give it away yeah he could
do two bumps and drink like it was no tomorrow for two or three hours pee and
then go home
because it's different everybody has a different way of partying a different
way of doing coke
some people could do a little coke yeah but everything starts off easy in the
drug world
everything's a party i'm happy they caught him now i don't know what level of
the addiction he was up
to it maybe he just done it the first time none of us know until he tells the
truth
and it's also a thing of john is so good that maybe while he's doing it and he's
still winning
he's still beating guys he's so good he can do coke four weeks out you know he
could have done coke
three days before dawg this is laurence taylor was fucking you know friday
night new jersey you're playing
sunday really we think laurence taylor went home and drank gatorade well how
bad does it
fuck you up if he did do it on friday night you up baby listen it fucks up your
heart your breathing
it fucks up a lot of things but once you get back in there you're back in there
i know as a comedian
if i did it two nights in a row it affected me as a comic i couldn't really
control my words
i could control a lot of things and i'm very good with a lot of things in my
system the thc and edibles
once i did coke two days you can tell as a cop you're talking about raging two
days all night long all
morning long a gram and a half till four in the morning i was you know i could
do two grams in
a night till four in the morning go back to sleep i'm talking and no drinking i
knew on thursday that
might i knew that my stand-up was falling apart with fighting it's something
different you want
to be crazy but then again when i sold sports information i always did better
with a hangover
really i was unconscious i worked off technique i worked off technique i worked
off technique
i was unconscious everything had to be so you didn't overthink things i didn't
overthink things
i closed them i stuck to the pitch i took those beats so maybe when you're
unconscious you're more
i'm not saying that this poor kid did it before he fought i can't see it listen
right here we're in
the room with men 24 years i've been doing stand-up i did cocaine and went on
stage one time march 17 1992
was my second year doing comedy i thought i could do coke like richard pryer
and talk it doesn't work
so did michael richards yeah it doesn't work that way it doesn't work that way
you do coke and go on
stage you might kill one time ask kenison if he killed at the end it was a
nightmare you have no emotion
you have no emotion the cocaine cuts to your heart and the material so all you
are is red man give me
your jokes right i see what you're saying yeah when i say a joke oh man my leg
goes under i've seen
guys that are coked up on stage too and there are they are very robotic robotic
it's over you just
you're working off technique and with stand-up you can't work off technique
yeah with jujitsu and me
punching yeah you know i can grab that arm and underhook with stand-up there's
no technique the
technique is my emotion the technique is my pain i have to feel that i have to
feel that energy
once i have the bridge is broken once i do blow once i do blow my brother the
bridge breaks
there's no disconnect yeah i can still yell the jokes at you hey what do you
get with the chicken
crosses you know what i'm saying right but there's nothing there so i don't see
it i just hope he gets
better you know i hope that uh it was a you know it's just something that he
was doing every couple
weeks just to burn some energy it's amazing that he could party like that and
still kick everybody
we don't know what he did we don't know how he partied well we know he was
doing coke four weeks out
he could have just been with a girl they had like we could have done a blast
listen you're with a girl
she got a tremendous piece of pussy a diamond big study on her belly button her
ass don't smell like
flowers you know what maybe you didn't do coke maybe she put a coke rock in her
pussy you licked it
mmm you know maybe you touched it there's so many things but if i came to you
and said joe rogan
i didn't do blow i just put it on the girl's belly button right joey jesus i've
known you 20 years
you look at me with that one well it was only metabolites that he tested for so
somewhere between
two and four days before that well it was a great test because usually the
cocaine's gone 72 hours
this test got you till about eight or nine days all right we're running out of
time we did our three uh
when uh when can people see again buffalo helium next week oh and then the
funny bone in columbus super
football weekend uh all of it at joey diaz dot com all of it at joey diaz dot
net dot net joey
love you too man uh january 30th uh i'm at the mirage with ian edwards and tony
hinchcliffe
that's january 30th in vegas mirage uh everything else is sold out boston this
weekend next weekend
rather next saturday night sold out at that laugh comedy i'll be back i'm going
to come back in the
spring probably and i'll do the wilbert theater for a couple nights um i'm
sorry everything sold out so
quick and it was only two shows and people didn't get a chance to get tickets
but i'll be back i
i didn't forget where i came from um i will be back uh and uh helium in portland
that's all sold out
too so sorry naughty show wednesday joe yeah naughty show wednesday we're going
to be at the comedy store
uh 9 p.m in the main room and is a fuck load of talent jim jeffries is on the
show brian's on the
show tripoli's on the show ari shafir's on the show morgan murphy's hilarious
honey rotten yeah okay
beautiful uh we'll be there so we'll see you fox very soon all right much love
see you soon hey what
what size kettlebell is