#291 - Duncan Trussell

Hey, welcome to the show. This is a podcast, but it's on the TV also. And I'm here with my trusty sidekick, Adam Egus. That's right. How are you, Norm? Good. How are you, Adam? Fine. Excellent. Yeah. Your life is going well. Couldn't be better. But you're always in trouble with the law. I wouldn't say that. A little bit. Well, I mean, yeah, a little. I mean, I think she's going to record. Don't you think that possibly we're boring the shit out of the public right now? About Adam Egus? Yeah, just having non-secret talk. No, this is not non-secret. Why are you going to introduce me? Well, maybe we should introduce Super Dan. Seems like a good idea. Okay. This is our first guest. What is the band going to play when I come out? There's no band. You don't have a band? We don't have a band on the show. But it's a talk show. I know, but really, that's an all-timey talk show. Do bands ever help? No. They've never done anything. Okay, go ahead. The Roots. The Roots. Yeah, go ahead. Do you find it weird when talk shows say how good the band is? I always, when they come out of commercial and no one's heard the music, but the band made everything and people are wild over the band. The band. You know what you ought to do right now? Get up and dance like Ellen. What? All over the building and we'll follow you with the camera. Wouldn't that be great? You could dance over women? Yeah. All right, go ahead. Have you ever done the Ellen show? No, not yet. You've done a lot of talk shows. I really have. Talk shows are in the news now. Isn't that what you were telling me, Adam Iggis? I did. What's the story on them? I think we'll get to that later. We do have to... Well, why don't we do it now? Can I say one thing? Can I just say one thing? I have not seen you in so long. I know, it's been a while. I love you. It makes it very sad now that you're... I've gained 45 pounds. I don't care. A man as brilliant as you are is doing a podcast for 18 people. And Kim Kardashian's mother has a talk show. I would like to kick... What is her name? Kris Jenner? Yeah. Write in the balls and make sure she never had another baby. Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah, I know what you're saying. When those girls are all old, they'll be living in a corral. But don't you think it's good that you can reach a point where you don't have to do shows like that? Like Celebrity Apprentice. You wouldn't have to do that show. No, no, no. Some celebrities have to do it. It's nice. It's like dancing with the stars. May I say something about that? Yes, yes. One of the Dancing with the Stars people is a Beverly Hills housewife. How is she a star? And then when Noda Ryder comes out, Renota Judd, Renota Judd. And she's dancing. I don't mind seeing hefty women dance. But I don't want to see it on television. What I would do on that show is I would make sure that on the side they had an Indianapolis pit crew. And during her dance, she would come over and they'd change her underwear and her shoes. And then she would go back out and finish the dance. But where do you like to see hefty women dance? In the circus. That's where I like to see hefty women. Who the hell wants to see hefty women dance? No, I know. No, her partner can't believe it. Wait till he has to lift her up. Good luck on that one, my friend. But I'm rooting for Andy Dick. Yeah, I like Andy. That is a good idea. He's been through a hell of a lot of hell. Can I say one thing now? He had substance abuse problems. A lot of them. Like Adam Egritt. Yeah, I have had a... Is that an intro into Adam's substance abuse problem? Yeah. Well, no, because he's friends... He has moths all over his arms. No, those are... He told me he was playing some video game on the internet. I didn't know you did intravenous drugs. No, I don't do that anymore. What did you do? I've done a lot of drugs. He's injected drugs in your arm? Well, no, no. I never injected it. I never injected it. He's sober for nine months. Yeah, nine months today. That's like three quarters of a chip. Can't tell you how much I give a chip. You don't care. No, no, no. I don't care if he's shooting up while we're doing the show now. Now listen to me carefully. Aren't you happy for it? I'm so happy for it. But here's the thing. My favorite story of all time is Pistaurus. Oh, yes, yes. The runner. Tell who Pistaurus is. Well, you know who Pistaurus is. Yeah, me and the runner. No, but for the viewers that don't know. Well, the viewers of South African gentlemen. Well, some viewers don't know. Well, he should tell it to some of the viewers that don't know who Pistaurus is. He's an Olympic runner who ran with blades. Everyone knows who he is. Well, I wouldn't say ran with blades. I didn't ask you what you would say right now. That's true. That's true. Listen, after the show, I'm going to start. Pistaurus grew up as a kid without legs, which is tough. Yes. Okay. His whole life. He's made fun of all of a sudden. He gets blades. He becomes the hero of the world, makes millions of dollars, meets the most beautiful woman in the history of life and shoots her, but comes up with the lamest excuse I've ever heard. What was his excuse? He said he was standing on the balcony on his stumps. Behind, beside the bed, were his two legs and this gorgeous woman in the bed. Now, if I'm a burglar, I'm breaking in for two reasons. One, to rape a woman and two, to rob everything. So if I come in there and I see Jesus Christ, I got legs I can take, I can take her, I'm going to do up. No, I'm not. I'm going to go into the bathroom, lock myself in and take a good healthy dump. What kind of an excuse is that? You're right. It's a weak alibi. It's so weak. And he said he didn't know where his wife, where his girlfriend was. The toilet is a foot away. Wouldn't you notice if she's a better nurse? So what's the number one reason you'd break into a house? Yeah, I want to go over that again. I don't break into a house. I said number one reason that someone goes into a house is they either rape someone or steal something. Okay. Yeah, I have. And this guy found a gold mine, but he decided to take a shit instead. Doesn't make sense, does it? And what about that dormer? This guy who killed the cops. Yeah, explain to the folks. I don't want to explain anything. If you're going to say that after everything I say, I'm going to leave. No, I've heard people say that. Because this is the cheapest thing I've ever been involved in. No, I've heard people say that. If I didn't love you, I'd be so gone now. I can't tell you. I've heard people say that. Explain to the folks who that is. Dormer. Dormer, yes. Christopher Dormer. Okay. Explain to the folks who he was. He's six feet tall. He was the African American. African American. Police officer. Great looking guy. His arms are like this. He can't take a bad picture. Even his mugshot was great. He goes and decides to hide in Big Bear. He's the only black man in Big Bear and he was there for six days. What was he going to the market with those glasses? Are you Christopher Dormer? No, sir. But you look like him. No. No. And then after they killed him, the police were giving the story. And behind them the house was burning and they said his daughter inside. We don't know. We're not sure. So you're just killing someone and burning their house and then you'll find out later. Maybe he's taking a dump. Hey, did you read his manifesto? You know, I went to a tennis match at Indian Welling. Yeah. And I saw Raphael Nadal play. He's my favorite. Raphael Nadal. Explain to the folks who Raphael Nadal is. Oh my God. Of course, Raphael Nadal. I'll explain. Raphael Nadal is a tennis player, only 26 but seemingly beyond his prime. Great player. He grabs like... Great player, but here's the thing. You like his abs? Every single time he serves and returns, he picks his underwear out of his ass. He does? Yes. I've never heard that. There's a video of that. There's a video of that? Yes, I brought it. Well, how could that... Can we roll that off the schnide? What? I feel it. It's too much bread and butter. He can't see that in public. This man is a genius. That's all he does. What if he was in dentist? Hello? Hello? Oh, he's smell bad. Oh, what was that all about? You know what I was thinking though? Do you remember the girl that got stabbed? What? Monica Selas? Yeah, but it's a long time ago. What are we talking about, Columbus? No, but I'll tell... No, here's the thing. You know, I hate... I think that if Kim Kardashian were to go to Vegas, she could do pteratops to act and take things out of her ass. That's what Nadal reminded me of. That's a pretty solid idea. Yeah, I don't understand that. I don't either, but I just don't... Well, you know, can I take things out of a truck? Yeah, oh, I see. She could take it out. I'm going to have to explain everything to you. No, do the folks explain who Kim Kardashian is? Oh, never mind. Because I think the joke was predicated on knowing that she has a big ass. Wasn't it? And people don't know that? Young people don't know. Everybody knows that. Have you seen the pictures of her? Yeah, two weeks ago. He showed them to me. Yeah, she's gained a lot of weight. You gained weight. She gained a lot of weight. So, Kim... I gained 45 pounds. I was going to say something, actually. What? Well, I thought you'd been gaining some weight. Yeah, I gained 45 pounds. What? You okay? What's going on? I'm doing it for a movie. For what part? What's the role? What are you playing, Jackie Gleason? What do you mean you're doing it for a movie? It's not a particular movie. I just think they always need a fat guy. Fat guy to be... You're doing it hard. You're paying it hard. Yeah. No, I'm going to lose it. Yeah, it's the happiest I've ever seen. And since I've gained a lot of weight, I've gained a lot of weight. No, you're... I'm going to lose it, though. Yeah, it's the happiest I've ever seen. And since I've gained it, I sweat like a... Yeah, you sweat it. Like a... like a... like a... like a... like a... like a... like a... like a... like a horrid church. Yeah, I know. I don't mean to be... What? I don't mean to be filthy, but... A horrid church? Yeah, she's nervous, so she sweats because... 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Where are we going? We're talking to six people. You know we can get on a bus right now, the three of us, and yell out the window and reach more people. Listen, what about this? Adam Eagre likes to tell jokes. You like to tell jokes. What if each of us, each of you told a joke and decided who was the better joke? Adam Eagre must start. That is such a great idea. Okay, you start out. Wait, wait, wait. I'm starting. Let's say a joke. You want me to just. Let's take a break. Yeah, I think we should probably take a break. Okay, we'll take a break and then we'll do the joke off. No we're not doing the joke off. Joke. No it's a joke off. Yeah, wildly different. We're not doing it. You don't think you can take them? It's clear as to that. Nothing to do with it. We're taking a break. Well, it's a sing-along tour, Michael. About six months ago, the Sing-Along Society of North America called and said, Super, we think you could help us get rid of profanity on the highway. And they said, what do you mean? And they said, well, have you ever pulled up alongside a car and seen someone singing to a record? They're happy. It's very hard to sing a swear word. I'm sick of it. Yes, indeed. So they felt that if I could go on a week-long tour, we're going to cover about 5,000 miles. Five thousand miles. And I was singing night and day that maybe I could be like a Pied Piper. People would follow me, start to sing along, and then when I left, I could leave kind of a musical highway through the world. Trailer for sale. Road select, 50-shot. Better means by no means. King of the road. Super Dave Osborne on the Super Dave show. One of the best. I was raised on that show. You were? Absolutely. Toronto, Canada. Do you know a little side thing about that show? I'm going to tell you two quick stories. One, the first Super Dave we ever did, I was on the CN Tower. It's the tallest structure in the world. And I was going to jump. But I yelled down, which was five miles. I like that you told the folks what CN Tower was. So you know, this can be your kind of thing. Can I tell you, this reminds me a little bit of Mike Douglas. Really? And I'm going to tell you the greatest talk show in the history of talk shows was Mike Douglas. Mike Douglas. And his co-host was Sloane. Now people are going to think that's Michael Douglas. You should probably explain to folks. Well who's watching? Is this in the United States? Well I'll explain. Yeah, no, don't explain everything. Mike Douglas. Oh, you should take everything out. There's no sense being here. I'm saying to the folks at home that Mike Douglas was a talk show host, someone in the vein of Merv Griffin. He was a singer. Call me when you're through because I forgot what I was talking about. Okay. And he had a talk show. His co-host this week was Sly. And every week he had a co-host. Of Sly and the Family Stone. Sure. And he was stoned out of his birth. So they opened the show. And he said, Sly, he says, I understand you're getting married. And Sly said, what about that you and gave me on Sunday and then Monday we're going over to Cleveland and then we're going to come back. He said, no, no, aren't you getting married? I don't know if the whole of them are going to be there for this engagement but hopefully we'll be all right and we'll play and get it done. And Mike goes like this. So let's go to commercial. Now Sly is sitting here. He brings out Peter Marshall. From Hollywood Square. Peter sits right here. Because the idea of the show is to make this. Oh, don't do this. Don't do this. And he says, he says, Peter, who's a great guy, by the way, Peter, he says, you're taking Hollywood Square to Vegas. You're taking him to the room. He says, yeah. He said, are you going to change it? He says, no. He says, when it comes to Hollywood Square, you got to call a spade a spade. And Sly turns to Peter Marshall on this show and said, I'm going to get you. And they go to commercial. They come back and Sly is still staring at Peter. And Mike Douglas now says, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to bring out the smallest man in the world, Ringling Brothers own, Meeshu the Midget. And this guy comes out and he is the smallest man in the world. Mike picks him up, puts him in the thing, his shoes are like this, that's what you see. And so what you see on camera now is Sly still staring at Peter. And he is talking to Meeshu. And he says, Meeshu, how old were you when you joined the circus? And Meeshu said, right. He said, what? Break it. No, when did you first join? He said, cut out it. He said, do you speak English? He said, break it. He said, oh my God, let's go to commercial. They come back, they bring out his interpreter who is wall-eyed. And that's what you had for the last part of the show. He's staring at Peter and a wall-eyed interpreter with a midget who didn't speak English. That's going way smoother than the show. I had a little guy on my show that I found in the little person. She explained to the folks. And he was an alcoholic. And we put him up at the Boy on York Hotel and I would get calls. Mr. Einstein, you're a midget. The Royal York has a very famous hotel in Toronto. Mr. Einstein, your midget is walking down the hall in his underpants. I said, first of all, I don't own him. He's a guest on the show. The Royal York called me. The hotel. A hotel person. Yeah. So we had him. And I could not, he's the only person that made me laugh all the time because he didn't. I was doing this thing where I was explaining the entire layout of the compound in miniature. It was a seven-minute ad lib. And behind me I had Fergie, who was the little person. He looked exactly like Ronald Reagan in a suit and tie. Teeter tottering with fish. We had gotten a tank of fish that balanced him out. So they were teeter tottering. I'm trying not to look at it. All of a sudden change hits the floor and he says, my money. In the middle of me talking. And the stagehand went, no, but it's my money. So we had to redo it. And then another time, and this is horrible, but it kills me. John Binder was also bizarre. Yeah, he's the host. For the folks at home that don't know, he was a famous impressionist. Can we explain what bizarre is? It was a TV show. Yeah, but I think part of the reason Super Dave got John Binder to host was because he could do a lot of impressions. John Binder was brilliant. So it was just John Binder. John Binder was brilliant. So it was just John Binder and a bunch of Canadian actors. It's a great show. It went six years. The first series they host your cable. I know. I wasn't saying it was an epithet. I meant I liked it. Don't use epithet when you don't know what it means. We went over words before this show and I asked you, do you know what epithet means? You said no. And now you use it. But let me ask you this though. No, let me go on with this story. Oh, is there a story? Binder brings me out. I was also the producer on the show. And you played the producer. Oh my God. And he showed a clip of me screwing up. So I said to him, you know what? I quit. Go to Hollywood and get some Coke Sniffy producer. I'm gone. And we're walking down the hall and I'm talking about human decency and how to treat people. We go into my dressing room and it's a freak show. I've got a blow up doll and a swing. This is the kinkiest place. I open the shift rope and take Fergie out. He was sleeping. Put him on the ground. He has bunny shoes on. I snap a rubber glove on his head and now we're walking. And I'm talking about human decency and how you treat people. We come to my car. I have a blind limo driver. I open up the truck. I throw Fergie in, slam the truck, get in the car. I tell the blind driver to take me home. He hits the wall. It's another car into a tree. All of a sudden a storm hits. We race inside because you know the Toronto Storms explain it to us. The Toronto Storms are incredible. No, they're incredible. Okay. We're in here eating and drinking. Okay? All of a sudden I realize 45 minutes later I left Fergie in the truck. I run outside. I open the trunk and he looks at me and said, What the fuck are you doing? Now Bazaar was a variety show. Adam Inger told me something I didn't know. He said you worked with Red Fox on a variety show. Yeah, I heard that. I'm dying to hear it. I produced Red Fox variety. You told me he just worked on it. Worked on it? I mean, according to your Wikipedia page. What do you think I was? A stagehand, you douchebag? Worked on it. Did you do your notes? I want you back on drugs. I'm serious. I want you back on stuff so you know. I'm going to do a shot next break. No, no, no, no. It's true. He's kidding you. He's kidding. You had a question? Yeah, I had a question. Okay. I'll tell you one thing about Red Fox. I loved him because he was unbelievably funny. They're two quick Red Fox stories. Okay? We're meeting at his house. Red Fox for those who don't know. Oh my God. Was played, of course most people know him as Sanford. He played Fred Sanford. Right. Which was his father's actual man. Is that right? Yeah. You know if I had steroids, I'd take them right now. Steroids? Yeah, I'd have to take them right now. Why would you take steroids? Just so my arms would pump up, I'd get you in a headlock and pop your head. Oh my goodness gracious. I've never heard such a thing. Well, it's said never on a box show before. A guest on a box show host? Nothing was said like that to Dick Cavett. No. Tell him who Dick Cavett is. Oh, Dick Cavett is. No, no, no. Forget it. It's not worth it. Okay, so we're meeting at Red's home. Now Red liked to do grass, cocaine, and sex. Absolutely. That's what he loved to do. Sounds good. But we're down there, we're meeting about the show, and I see Slappy White, an old time great comedian. Oh, Slappy White, yeah. An old time comedian named Slappy? Slappy White. Slappy White. He'd wear a white hand, a glove, and a black glove, and at the end he'd put them together to show solidarity between races. Oh. Slappy was after his very funny stuff. He was actually at a partner, Slappy White. What was this partner? Slappy comes down the driveway. Yeah. I look outside and I see Red has four dogs, and they're half human and half dog. They're the biggest dogs I've ever seen, and they haven't eaten in months. They're roaming around the campus. Slappy comes in, he said, hello, Chief. He said, hello, Slappy. He said, I'm meeting with Blanstein. My partner was Al Blythe, so he would combine our names. Blanstein? Blanstein, if you go down to Poolhouse, I'll be with you in a minute. Slappy said, what about your dog? He said, you motherfucker. I've known you for 50 fucking years. My dog ever touch you? No. And we watched, like on Cinerama Dome, red dogs chased Slappy around the yard and into the pool with his clothes on. And no one stopped anything. And all Red said was, goddamn, it didn't go after him. He said, now listen, what we got to do? Another time, first show, OK? Ladies and gentlemen, Red Fox, and we had this giant tenement that turned into R-E-D-D, and he came out from that. You know, tenement? Music, music. Yeah, it's like a neighborhood. You know, I would rather do a show with a... I would rather do a show with a signer. I'm serious for the death. You tell me, let's take a break. I'll show you a break. So there's no Red. The audience is applauding. Music's playing. I stop tape. I go to his dressing room. I'm knocking the door. I hear, what? I open the door. There, Red is sitting in his makeup chair. The girl who's doing his hair is sitting on top of him. So her dress is over his legs. And I said, Red. And from under her dress, he said, what? I said, we're on camera. I said, can't a man relax? That was a great, budget story. Let's take a break. Well, why don't we take a break for it? This isn't a television show. You don't have sponsors. This is the first time you've been on. I got sponsors. You do? Who do you have? Call one of them right now. I trust you. He has a sponsor. I got it. No, I don't play him. I got it. You have to play me them. I got it, no. I have phones, man. How sad is it that the talent of yours has to do this? You should have your own talk show and a network. Oh. Come back, man. You never told me that, Daniel. You got a little news, right? What? Come back to a little news. Do a little news? Yeah, we got some news pieces we're going to go over. What the fuck are you talking about? You have to say what. Yeah, yeah, we're going to come right back after this and cover some news stories. It's going to be a bad act. I'm excited. I'm single. I'm going to get some new ass. You know what I'm saying? Huh? You don't run the other ass in the ground, right? I don't want to talk about my wife like that. You ran that ass in the ground? You're moving on, right? Well, I didn't run any. We had a nice marriage. No, you ran that ass in the ground. You're moving for fun. I open people's ass in the ground. Oh, I'm in due. It's not a negative thing to run an ass in the ground. That's all. You ran that shit in the ground. I can rent a car. Great clip. I see what it is. Marty Funkhouser on Curb Your Enthusiasm. What's happening with Curb Your Enthusiasm? They left for a year to do a movie? It sounds odd. I know it is odd, but... Is that going to work? I don't know. I hope we come back. I love that show so much, and people love it. Oh, people are... How about the Palestinian chicken episode? Was that the greatest... That was the greatest chicken. What I'm sitting down there with that hubcap yamagon, and she's screaming anti-Semitic shit, and then he comes down like a morgue. While she's having sex. Yes, and then he comes down and introduces her to me. This is how it's all supposed to be. Oh, right. Adam had a question he wanted to ask you about your comedy. Yeah, I've been shopping at the bits to ask this one. I've been thinking about it all week. Norm told me to come up with some questions for you, and I've just been dying to know, where do you get your ideas from? Oh, I mean... You know, we have some news stories here I just wanted to cover. Let's see what's in the news, actually. We got this one here, the international news. We have a new pope, and... How about all that crap made about that? What could the black smoke and the white smoke and the millions of people... Yeah. I know the last thing the card to last is, okay, before we elect a new pope, everyone raise your hand and we'll list it again. Unanimous! I would like to see this. I brought this clip. Run it. This is how I would like to see the election of the pope. The election of the pope? Yes, run it. As... Here it is. Well, this isn't the... No, this isn't it. Oh, there it is. There's the crowd. Now watch. Watch. All right, the door's going to open. And there's the pope. There's the pope. Oh, that's not... That's not the... That's the pope. We should explain to the folks that that was Michael Jackson. Let's explain... Yeah, I'll explain who Michael Jackson is to the people who knows Michael Jackson, what he retarded. Did you see Latoya kicked off of the thing? Yeah, two weeks ago. I think that if you took all the nose skin that had been taken off of Jackson's face, you could make a tarp to cover an infield. Why didn't you answer his question? What was his question? Ask him that. Don't ask that again. That was the dumbest goddamn question I've ever heard. You just want to know where you got your... Yeah, well, I got to tell you where I got it. At Ralph's. That's where I got it. Any particular Ralph's? Yes, no, it's at Beverly Hills Ralph's. Okay. Got it in the meat section. The one on Beverly Hills. Beverly Drive, okay. This next story, speaking of Ralph's, the... Well, I guess it's... That was sure cut together great, by the way. You got to crack staff. Maybe allow the blind man to do other work, okay, then edit. He should be outside begging for money so we have more money instead of this. Did you see this? Cardboard piece of shit. We should explain to the folks what I tell you about that. Super Dave is addressing Daniel Kelsin, the producer. Yes, Daniel Kelsin, our trustee producer. He likes to extend a great job, personally. Oh, suck his ass, because you're not coming back unless you do. Okay. Go ahead. Listen, the next story we have is in Health News, actually. And no offense, Norman, but I think you should probably pay attention to this. Let's take a listen. Researchers at Harvard found that one in every 10 U.S. deaths as a result of too much salt consumption. Now, I smoke like a chimney. You do, really? I'm a terrible driver. I've dated some women that probably own guns. A lot of things would have to go very, very right for me to die of salt. The only thing I can pray for is that I die of salt and not begging for mercy. So I think that's nonsense, that people should be afraid of too much salt. Now, I know you eat a lot of salt, though, Norman. We were discussing this earlier. You know what it's like? It's like I'm in a drag race car, and I just left the line, and I'm told that there's something wrong with a fucking motor. And I've got to put an emergency brake on at 90 miles an hour, okay? And I'm sliding all over the goddamn track out of control. All of a sudden, we're doing Meet the Press. All the humor's gone. Everything is gone. Who gives a shit if you're... Did you show a clip about dying of salt? But he had all those jokes for us. No, those aren't jokes. Those aren't jokes. That he had self-trouble with other things, and if he had self... Did you get that part? I got some of it. In entertainment news... This is where he tells the truth. No, this isn't jokes. We're supposed to do news. Entertainment news, this is something you guys both... Get to it. Let's roll the clip. Oh, not another one. Oh, yeah, you know what? There is no clip. We have a... He said, let's roll the clip, and it's a picture. This show is just so... Even the prisoners are going back to the... Well, I'll explain what's going on here. In entertainment news, you guys know that Jimmy Fallon is stepping in as the Tonight Show host. We don't know that yet. Well, it says it right here on this card. So it has to be true. No, because you could be sued. And from the money I've seen around this show, you don't want to be sued. Believe me. I asked, can I go get a coffee at Starbucks? And they said, yeah. And then the guy went like this, I had to get money. And my dressing room is also the makeup room. You had a dressing room? Yeah, really? Why are you surprised? What, do you have a palace? I have a dressing room. Oh. I don't know. Conject your hazard that... Oh, yeah. Conject your hazard. That sounds good. And now there's word that Jay Leno may be moving to Fox. So, I don't know. I don't think that would be good for... Well, Super Dave has probably been on all the talk shows for a long time. Oh, you must have some great stories. He could probably rate the talk show hosts, like who is best to us. That's a great idea. Can you do that? No, I wouldn't do that. I tell you, in the day when I was lucky enough to do The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, it meant that if you really killed the next day, it was spectacular. And now it really... I mean, it doesn't matter anymore. It really doesn't. I don't think you get a start anymore on a talk show. I don't think they have the power anymore. I mean, Johnny was huge. Yeah, you hear about the story. I'll tell you who I love, Jimmy Kimmel too. Oh, he's great. But you hear about the stories about back in the day, and the guys, sometimes that's all they cared about, was just getting the okay from Johnny. They didn't care about anything else. Well, he made so many people, and it was just so much fun to do that show, to make Johnny Carson laugh. And Ed was great. I went out there once, and I always brought him a gift. So, I gave a Super Dave wallet, and I gave Ed a Super Dave wallet. And Johnny says, you don't have to do this. I said, it's the last time. I said, you're a stage manager back there. He said, oh, there goes Mr. Kissimop. Give him a gift so you'll be on the best of Carson. I said, I am so insulted. I am furious. He said, please calm down. And Ed says, hey, there's $10 in here. And I wait. I said, you got the wrong wallet. And it was on the best of Carson. You had great advice for Norm when you did the Conan, remember? The Super Dave had no? No? All right. What did I say? I thought you... Have you seen Splash? Splash? What is Splash? You've seen the show Splash? With Daryl Hannah? No, it's over 25 years ago. No. Let's explain what Splash is. Let's explain it to the folks. Ron Howard, no, I got Ron Howard directing a movie with Daryl. It's a television show. Oh. Oh, Smash. Oh, yeah, yeah, with Susan Sarandon and stuff, right? It's called Splash. Oh, Splash with Louie Anderson. Yeah. Okay. Here is how I would promo that show. Okay. Just to tell the folks. No, don't tell the folks. Okay. It's a show about so-called celebrities diving. Oh, you're talking about it. Okay. It's a stupid idea. Kareem Abdul-Jafar, the greatest basketball player that ever lived, is diving. He can bend over and touch the water. It's a stupid show. Okay? Okay. So, Louie Anderson is on. Louie is a tad bit overweight. I think he's 400 pounds now. But in a baby suit, he looks a little heavy. This is the promo that I would do. And God help me how they screwed it up. Here it is. Jesus. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Stop if you're going something Oh really? Yeah, he has a funny story about Louie Anderson. No, I don't. Yeah. No, I... Huh? The time he tried to... Huh? Huh? You told me... You know what's great about you two? What? You've got great sympathy. What's that? Is it spant? Let's explain what the other... You know each other's moves, you're right on it. There's good chemistry and I'm sure as the show goes on things will be more comfortable. So who is it? Who is it? I can't tell any more. What happened? News! Oh, news. I'd like to go over there and squeeze his head so hard I'd like to turn into a pimple. You know what, let's... here's one more news story and I think you guys will have a good time, right? Get to it! We've got in sports Tiger Woods has reclaimed the number one world ring since 2010. Oh, goodness. Look at the picture they put up. Tiger and Elon. Oh, they're shooting... yeah, there he is. Well, that's typical of the media, isn't it? He's now living with a skater who broke her knee. I don't care about that. Are you okay? Well, you know what? You mean Tonya Harding? Nancy Kerrigan? You guys go back so far all the time. You're on a Red Fox story. You institutionalized the two of you. We listed you just a couple of times. You didn't double up bad because you've never been institutionalized. I mean, frankly, I was. But I will say this. But you put on some weight. I've never seen you. You're heavier than I am now and I never thought I would see you. I put on 45 pounds and it's made me sweat. Yeah, I see it makes you sweat. It makes my face turn red. I'm not a fan of you. I'm not a fan of you. I'm not a fan of you. I'm not a fan of you. I'm not a fan of you. I'm not a fan of you. I've never seen you. You're heavier than I am now and I never thought I would see you. I put on 45 pounds and it's made me sweat. Yeah, I see it makes you sweat. It makes my face turn red. You know what was great right before the show went on? Too much sugar. He laughed at something that I said and a thing came out of his nose like diagonal ball. No, don't tell people. No, I'm not telling him. I'm just telling him. But the folks out there. And we had to bring in a towel to get it off because it was like, oh, it was heavy. It was a big towel. It was huge. I was going to grab it with my hand. It was so big. It was like the towel they handed Louis in? Yeah. I was going to grab it with my hand. It was like the towel they handed Louis Anderson after that dive. No, it was a big towel. The folks don't even. I'm not going to say that ever again. I apologize to both of you. I apologize to both of you. I mean, it's sticky lies. I'm going to go ahead. No, I... Well, hold up a sign, Dick one. No, okay, no. Now we're back to news. We only have 15 minutes left. Okay, good. We're going to have to do this. That was the news story. Tiger Woods is number one. He said... Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. We're going to take a break. You just said news. He also held up a sign and said take a break. Okay. Do people know that this is your first talk show? Yeah, you know what? Explain to the folks at home, in all honesty. I mean, explain what the show is about and what's going on. Explain to them. Oh, so this is... But look at the camera. Oh, this is Norm McDonald's. This is Norm's first talk show. It's like a talk show. It's a podcast. It's like a talk show that would be... That you would deliver to millions of people so the next day they would respond, except we're reaching about 50. Most of them are prisoners. Some of them are dangerous. So... But Norm is an insane talent. What is that? What is he saying? What? When we come back, we will what? Answer your questions. What questions? For the folks at home, you can write in questions of... No one's watching this. It's possible. Is the blind guy writing the questions? Hey, that editing was beautifully done on the splash. So afterwards. Oh, I'll tell you afterwards. So we'll take a break. But this guy is doing a talk show for 22 people. He should have his own show on a network. And if anybody is listening, put him on a network. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, that was really nice. What about Adam Egan? Yes, I like him. Oh, shit. I swear to God, I think after this show, a bus is going to come and take Adam with a lot of dangerous people back to the home. And he's going to be sedated and they're going to take his balls off. We'll be back with questions. Questions when we come back. You know how fast you were playing? Oh, yeah. What? A man's man? Yeah. I'll tell you one thing. I'll just say two things right now. I'm just going to say that are serious. One, I owe any success I've ever had to Tommy Smothers as to Steve Martin, as to a number of people. And two, I know you feel this more than as much as I do is. I want to wish Sam Simon the best and I know he'll get through this. I want him to be strong and get through it. Yeah, me too. Don't you think that Tommy Smothers was kind of underappreciated in comedy terms? The unbelief. Yeah. And he gave people, he gave young people with no credibility, lives and chances of him being and he said, look, you're either going to fail or you're going to make it. And it was his career that was there. And we were just killing, we had just beaten Bonanza and we got cancelled. And you were a writer on the show and they used you in the office. Yeah, and we wanted Emmy for that show that LaBrouche was on. Why was the name Officer Judy? Because we were all in the office. And we wanted Emmy for that show that LaBrouche was on. And then they came in. Why was the name Officer Judy? Because we had Judy Collins on the show. And I couldn't figure out a way to do anything comedic with her. So she sang a song and then when she came back for a second song, I thought, how great would it be if the song started and then the script parted and I was lip-syncing her voice. And it turned out that Tommy had been pulled over before the show and he had promised me a shot on the show. And I was Officer Judy. That's awesome. You know Tommy Smothers, Son and Liza, porn star? Jesus. No, I didn't know that. No, it was Dick Smedt. Dick Smedt. Yeah. Well, I think he was. Dick Smothers? That's a great point. You know what? Porn, yeah. Yeah, of course. I didn't know that. I think we have some questions. From who? Well, from the seven people watching the podcast. Why did he say there's only seven? Well, he said seven. I just thought he didn't. I didn't say seven. I said 50. All right, well, 50. Seven would be bullshit. He pulled from the 50 people who were watching the video. Can you tell me what exactly Norma McDonald's live is? Andrew Gambino. Okay, Norma, tell them. You just explained this. I just explained the whole thing. That is true. It's a talk show. It's with a guy that is so funny and so talented to be on podcasts. Makes me want to shh. Oh, wait. Oh, Super Dave, can you tell us your favorite joke? No, it doesn't say Super Dave. No, I think these are for the guests, I think, most of them. No, they're for everybody. Oh, they're for everybody. Okay, my favorite joke I told on Curb Your Enthusiasm, but I don't think I can do it. Yeah, I don't do that one. Do the joke about the woman and the bus driver. I don't want to do that. You don't want to do that? No, I'll tell you later. That's a great joke. That's a great joke. That's a great joke. What? You told Joe. You told Joe. Any tips for an aspiring stand-up, Johnny Crocker asks. Well, you're the manager of the world-famous comedy store. You can answer this better than anyone. Well, I would suggest you come down to the comedy store on Sundays here. Well, who knows where he lives. Well, he's shit out of luck. You moved to L.A., come to the comedy store on the street. No, be serious. No, I think that's a serious question. I think just like any stand-up, you've got to keep going up, going up, and... But don't keep saying going up. Be specific. All right. You need to go out wherever you're from locally and search out where people do stand-up, coffee shops, be a comedy club, and just keep working. And work your ass off and do it. Yeah. And the more you do it, the more you'll refine what you do, and you'll don't give up. That is the goddamn key, and I'm being serious. Because the first time out, you may bomb. If you bomb ten times, start roofing houses, because it's not going to work. But you know what you've got. You know what your strengths are. Go to them and let the public decide. But I was talking to Adam earlier. I was saying now they have comedy clubs in every city. In this city they have 12 or something. But when you started, where would you go? My start was so weird, it's not worth talking about. Does Super Dave still talk to Fujiyaki? Oh, Fuji. Look who that is. Simon. Simon's watching. I love your music. I'm telling you right now, you didn't need Garfunkel ever as far as I'm concerned. But although Bridge Over Trouble Waters would have been tougher without him. But no, I haven't talked to Fuji in a long time. Fuji was a graphic designer and we were doing a show in Toronto and we interviewed 500 Asians for this part. And the reason Fuji got it was he didn't understand anything I was saying in the interview. So it was perfect. He was sensational. I loved him. So funny. And I would never tell him what we were going to do. So when I would drive up I would say, Fuji, what are we going to do today? And we'd go, oh, here's my stunt coordinator. And who played the sport? Mike Walden. I love that guy. He was the greatest. Was he a real sports guy? Yes, he did SC football and UCLA basketball. He was the greatest. Yeah, he was amazing. I think we have a Google call. Yes, Hal was playing poker with Larry Flint. I didn't play poker with Larry Flint. No, he didn't play. Did you? No, I played poker with him. What was it like? It was terrible. Why? Well, because you got to go to his house and do it. Look, there he is. Oh, Larry. Larry, how have you been? No, no, this is a Google call. Oh, wait a minute. Well, answer to Larry Flint thing. Well, okay. Did you get Larry Flint in there? No, well, I played poker with Larry Flint. You went to his house? Yeah. And you play seven-card stud. But could you just turn him around when he had his hand, look at his hand? No, no. Why? Well, because he's not mentally the same. No, but he's in a chair. Yeah, but he's... But you just whirl him a little bit, look at the cards, and then go right back. No, he has a nurse on each side. He did? Okay, go ahead. But you play and he had all the best seven-card stud players in the world playing that. He did? Yeah, he plays against the best. Did you ever play against a game captain? Yes. Did you beat him? No, he's very good. He's great, isn't he? Yeah, he's great. So the rule is you can't leave until Larry Flint stops the game. That's so scary. And Larry Flint puts... they keep putting drugs in him to keep him awake. Oh my God. So he can stay awake for 60, 70 hours. All night? Jesus. Yeah, and people just follow... And you got... And instead of heft with a beautiful lake, you got hustlers where they're in mud and shit. The ladies don't look that good. No, they're not that good. A lot of mustaches and not a lot of trimming. No. Well, we have a Google question. All right, go ahead. What is your name? Hey, this is JP. What's going on? Hey, JP. How are you? I'm great. A big fan of all you guys. I love you. Two out of three. Sorry, man. Hey, has this show been good or not? It's pretty good. I liked earlier... What the fuck are you talking about? Pretty good. How can we do any more? Well, what else is on there now? What else can we do? Do you juggle? Yeah, of course I do. Go ahead. All right. Norm, I've got to ask you. I'm a big fan of SNL. How did you get the Weekend Update gig? Oh, that's an interesting question. Oh, it's for you. It's for you, man. How did you get the Weekend Update gig? Oh, I got it. I auditioned for it, and then they gave it to me. What a great story. And he said it's pretty good. What a... What a guy. And I'm good with that answer. Great answer. Wasn't it? That was good. You got like five more minutes to fill, right? Hey, here's a clean joke. It's infantile, but I love it. Okay? Wait, how does he know we have five minutes? Is he just backstage? Yes, that's the editor. You took your blind bag. Okay, listen to me cover. Here are two quick ones. Okay? Oh, shit. I forgot the one. You know what? A guy... What are you saying? Oh, I was just looking at the car. What are you talking about? I was just looking at the car. Yes, stay out of it. Okay. Guy goes into a bar with a dog. The guy says, what are you doing here? He said, I got a talking dog. He said, I'll tell you what. He said, I'm going to bet you $10,000. $10,000? The dog can't talk. The guy said, you got it. He said, if he talks, I'm giving you the money. If he doesn't talk, you're giving me the money. I'm throwing the two of you through that window. Go ahead. So he takes the dog, he puts him on the bar. He says, Fido, what's on top of the house? Dog goes, roof. Well, that's... He said, what's on top of your mouth? He said, roof. He said, who's the greatest baseball player of all time? He said, roof. He takes it to him. He throws it through the glass window. Guy's laying on the ground. Dog gets up. He said, you think I should have sent him, as you know? Great start. That's a good start. All right, let's take a break. Oh, yeah, you hold up another card, and I'm going to take the training wheels off your balls. You are so old that it's not right. Trash talk when we come back. Okay, we're back with Adam Egret and... Egot. Egot, rather. Guy goes into a dentist's office. Dentist said, what are you doing here? He said, I think I'm a moth. A moth? A moth. He said, what? I think I'm a moth. He said, well, you have mental problems. You need to go see a psychiatrist. He said, I know. He said, you're in a dentist's office. He said, I know. He said, what are you doing here? Why did you come here? He said, the light was on. That's a good joke. That's a great one. This is the section where we do jokes. Do you want to read one? Just read into that camera for the folks. No, no, not loud. You have to read it out loud. No, he didn't. I hear you read it. All right. You don't like that one? No, I mean, I like it. Do you understand that we're on the air? Yeah. Oh, right. We all know that the Swiss are officially neutral. Who wrote this? Who wrote this? This? Who wrote this? Well, that screwed up my timing. Who wrote this? Who wrote it? Do you have writers? It's anonymous. I didn't write it. Well, I didn't write that one. We all know the Swiss are officially neutral. Unofficially, however, they're filthy sons of bitches. No, the Swiss think I hate them. That's great. Thank you. This one says, remember the old days when tweeting meant stabbing a hooker? Bob liked that one. Super Dave, why is there an app for everything except how to rape a baby? Jesus. Some gold-plated chains would make a nice retirement gift for a very, very good slave. Are you serious? Well, this was written years ago. Are you serious? This was written years ago. Did you just write that? I didn't write it. Did you just say that? No, I read it, yes. You read that? There was no old, it was not an obvious thing. My God, almighty, I'm not part of this. No, it was written before. No, I'm not part of this. No, you can't read that. Well, what about this? Go ahead. It'll be this way. I can prove God exists if I can just find that damn receipt from our brunch in heaven. That is so funny. That is so fucking funny. Oh, this one's actually topical. We could nip March Madness in the bud if we watch for the warning signs of brooding antisocial February fever. Who is writing this? You're doing this. This is your life. You're putting your life on you. You dressed like horseshit tonight. No, that was that. I told you to bring more time. I told you to bring more time. You're kind of a host code. But that was Adam E. Ganspah. You've got a thing with a hood. But that was Adam E. Ganspah. But then you're reading these. This is you. Well, this Lindsay Lohan can't swim a stroke, but she sure knows every dive in town. That one I liked. That was my favorite. I'm keeping this. That is a favorite. Did you write this? I didn't write that one. Read that one. Call me an old softie, but I'd prefer it if you called me a distinguished gentleman with a flagging erection. I don't like that one. I don't really like that one. Why are you going to make me read all this? Alfred the Great may well be the greatest monarch in the history of... Can you give me a favor? Can you find out what the traffic is like on the Santa Monica? Do you know the Harlem Shake? I've seen it on every single commercial. You've seen it. Then you'll appreciate this joke. I remember back when the Harlem Shake was just a black fella holding me upside down off a fire escape trying to collect his money. Can you find out what the quickest way is to the Santa Monica freeway, please? And don't call me again. Super day. I don't care about anything. You don't call me again. It's no last minute fill in. There's nothing. Okay. Thank God we're only reaching 50 people. That's all I can tell you. Sure, junkyard dogs are mean, but the meanest dogs are generally found guarding concentration camps. And it says here, there's a note, early versions of the Jim Croce's 1973 smash hit, Big Bad Leroy Brown. You remember that song? Tell the people that... No, do you know what you just said? It included... Do you have any idea what you just read? This says... No, did you have any idea what you just read? That Junkyard Dogs... It was a grandiose, semitic joke about the concentration camps. No, no, no, no. Not anti-Semitic at all. Oh, it's semitic? No. Well, you know, I know what the problem is. Did you write it? I didn't write that. Who wrote it? They used the meanest dogs. I don't know who wrote it, but I think the problem is that some people might not know what the concentration camps are. The concentration camps were found in Poland. Oh my God. What? Oh my God. Concentration camps were found... Please get my nurse. I swear to God, get her in here right now and we'll be away. I'm trying to explain to the folks how to... Did you have too much fun? But you know what? This is your first show and these are the... Well, I don't want to bring up the systemic, you know, extermination attempt against the jewelry of Europe. But this says on this piece of paper that Bad Bad Leroy Brown initially included the line, Meater than a concentration camp dog, but Croci decided it was unpleasant to the ear. And it was also offensive to Jews, gypsies and homosexuals. Little did it matter, Croci would be dead within the ear. You know what I'm going to do tomorrow? I'm going to watch the fucking view. The view? That's what I'm going to do. How dare you. How dare you. That's where I'm going to get my humor from. You told me you didn't like that. Okay. But I'm watching it tomorrow. You told me you didn't like it. I never told you that. Oh, you liked it. I told you they're my favorite of all time. And Barbara Walters is never leaving. She's 83 and she had chickenpox. Can you believe that? Yeah. Wouldn't you love to see her chickenpox? No. No? At 83, at night in the London, and that's going to say coming out of the bathroom. When did she get shingles then? No, no. If you get chickenpox, you can get shingles. Yeah. But she hasn't gotten them yet. Yeah. What a group that is. Oh, man. Yeah. I heard she got caught up. How about Kathy Lee and LaToya Hoya? Whatever her name is. Oh, what is her name? Oh, Latoya Jackson. And they drink every day on the show. Yeah. Proudly. They actually went off drinking for a few months and then they had a big... Is this what I'm going to do right after this? You'll like this one, super-day. Deep throat. Hey, can I tell you something? This is a bad segment. Yeah, it is. You know it is. You know it is. When you come to Goodnight, he says, goodnight. I really enjoyed doing this show. I had a great time. And I'll see you next week. That's a good idea. These jokes are so... Yeah, that's not a bad idea. They're not even... They're so beyond insulting the awful that it's not a segment. Can we start this segment over without the joke? No, it's live. Yeah, it is live. Live on podcasts? This is live. Holy cow. Listen to this joke because I think... Well, yeah, I just wanted to say... This is right up his alley. This is just the end of the hour. He might not remember this guy, though. Well, you'll probably remember. Deep throat porn legend Harry Raves. Yeah, he died, but how are they going to close that casket? I mean, probably because of his erection, I would think. How are they going to close that casket? It's very good. I know, right, though. Plus a man died. Yeah, a guy died. How are they going to do it? He was a real pine. I mean, when I was on Saturday Night Live, I used to do jokes about guys dying. You know, like the crossword guy died. He was going to be buried four down through your frozen. That seems like... That guy died. He died. His family might have watched him. You've got to wait a little bit before you do that. Harry Raves just died. He has no family, Harry Raves. How could he have family? He's very much more. What, is his mother and father proud of him, you think? He's got to be proud of him. He was in show business. Yeah. He put his cock in the sidewalk of Hollywood. Look at this. Look at this hole. That's Harry. What does that say? Last joke. All right. So... Oh, yeah. Here. That's the last joke. Alfred the Great may well... That's the one you wouldn't do. Are you trying to read? Could you read these before you get them? You're the producer of the show. I read... Do you have one more joke? I didn't read any of these. They're his. Wait, I didn't write or... Well, I read the ones you told me to, but I didn't write any of these. Okay. I did not write any of these jokes. Yeah, here we go. This is the last one we didn't read. I didn't read. No, but let you read them. I'll let you read it. Call... Alfred the Great... Make Super Dave laugh. Super Dave, I just wanted to tell you. Alfred the Great may well be the greatest monarch in the history of England. The worst? Richard the Goat Fucker. I don't think he's gonna laugh. It's like watching... I think he's close. Hold on. I think he's close. It's like watching that golf ball on the edge of... I don't understand any of these. I don't even understand it there. How you could take a segment to end your first show when these ratings are so important and people at home, that guy who wanted to know how to become a comic... Who, J.P.? No, the guy who wanted to know... Oh, from the right corner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How can you tell him how to become a comic when you're reading that? Yeah. Would you read that at a comic store? No, I'm ashamed. I don't think you would. What's your best note? He's not a... We're gonna close the show on your best note. I'm not a comic. You are. You've done stand-up comedy. No, I didn't write jokes. I really didn't write jokes. But you've done stand-up comedy. Yeah, that's why I don't do it anymore. Would you talk to him after the show? Because you've gotta get this... It's gotta be more fluid when you talk to him. He's gotta come back and pull. I know. That's what I told him before. I said, yes. You've gotta, like, say yes. Yes, sir. It's gotta be like ping pong. No. I know, but with him it's always no. With him it's like you... No, but he can't do that. You gotta have some pong, Bob. I gotta say yes, sir. And then he grabs the pong ball. What's your best joke? What's your best joke? The problem is I don't have any jokes. I literally have no... Oh, would you say that again? What is your best joke? Um... I mean, the punchline is... It's all right. ...cunt is in the sink. It's okay. That's the joke. That's all I know. That's all I got. You just wrecked. Four people are sitting on a park bench. A black man, a Jewish gentleman, a Hispanic gentleman, and a bigot. The black man reaches down, takes a lamp out, rubs it, genie comes out. He said, my God. I've been in that lamp 2,000 years. I'll grant each one of you any wish you want. What do you want? And the black man said, I want all the black people to go back to Africa and live in the beauty of that lamp, peace and harmony, no more poverty, just a gr... Boom, you got it. He disappeared. You're next. The Mexican gentleman said, I would like all the Mexicans to go to Mexico. Same exact... Boom, you got it. The Jewish gentleman said, I'd like us all to go to Israel. I'd have no more problems from the Middle East. Just live in the beauty of that... Boom, you got it. Says the bigot, what's your wish? He said, let me ask this. All the blacks are in Africa. All the Jews are in Israel. All the Mexicans are in Mexico. She said, yes. He said, I'll have a diet coke. That's a joke. See, that's funny. Yeah, that's good. Because it's a diet coke. Right. No, that's not why... That's what I think. I think that detail makes it very funny. Yeah, of course it is. I think it has to do with that. But he said it has nothing to do with it. Well, he doesn't know. Yeah, I clearly don't. I just read the news. Oh, bye. Would you like to take his hand and break it? Yeah, and if yours just went like this... Would you like to take his hand and break it all the way back to the art? That's Daniel Kellison. I'd love to. All right, we have to leave, but thank you. Thanks for the great guest, Super Dave Osborne. Yeah. Good luck with this. Thank you. On the way home, you got to talk to him about everything. Yeah, I know. Okay. I will. Bye.