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Mark Normand is the co-host of “Tuesdays with Stories!” and “We Might Be Drunk” podcasts. His new special, “None Too Pleased,” is streaming on Netflix. https://www.netflix.com/title/82155387 https://www.youtube.com/@TuesdayswithStories https://www.youtube.com/@WeMightBeDrunkPod https://www.youtube.com/@marknormand https://www.marknormandcomedy.com
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Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.
Hey, Charlie Kirk.
No.
Don't shoot him.
No, no, don't say that.
No, don't say that.
Doug's a Nazi.
All right.
He's going to sit right here and chill out.
What up, dog?
New Netflix special out now.
You got that right, Fatty.
Let's fucking go.
None too please.
Check it out.
We just hit number five, so I'm trying to get to Uno.
Well, maybe this will do it.
Hopefully.
Hopefully.
I'll put it up on my Instagram when the show runs.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Everything helps.
It's a saturated market.
I know.
There's 19 comedy specials a day now.
YouTube and Hulu and the other thing, 4chan.
It's not just that.
There's like, just you're competing with content.
You think about how many fucking shows there are now.
It's kind of nuts.
I mean, forget shows.
There's shows.
There's TikToks.
There's reels.
There's shorts.
It never ends.
There's never been a time where there's more things to watch and divide your
attention.
I know.
And then there's the war.
Yay.
There's the war.
So much to pay attention to, right, Charlie?
There's politics.
There's OnlyFans.
Yeah.
So much to pay attention to, buddy.
Oh, yeah.
So much, Charlie.
We'll just pretend that's Ari.
He's back.
Well, you know, Ari always gets too high and an hour in, he just shuts up.
Don't fall off the table, hey.
He looks like the Ayatollah now.
Have you seen him?
He's got the beard.
I know.
And he's gay.
He came to the club the other day.
He's gay now, too?
Oh, the Ayatollah.
Oh, the new Ayatollah.
Yeah, yeah.
Is that real?
Ah, that's what Trump said.
I think that's his real.
He's never lied.
Oh, okay.
I think they're just trying to fuck with the guy.
Because if you're gay in Iran, they just throw you off a building, right?
He's going to have to throw himself off.
You know, that was like one of the first places or the number one place in the
world for transgender surgeries.
I heard that.
Because you couldn't be gay.
So you'd rather be a woman.
You'd say you have to be a woman.
Wow.
You've got to get fucked in the ass.
That's kind of progressive.
I can't get fucked in the ass.
Well, you can, I guess.
They don't check.
Right.
You get fucked in your fake cooter.
Fake cooter.
That sounds like an Austin bar.
Fake cooter.
It probably will be.
Yeah.
After this.
Ah, Iran.
I mean, they've got to be terrified.
I don't know much about anything, but I would be scared to fight a country that
is having
a fist fight on the White House lawn.
That's how badass and crazy we are.
They're like, we're fighting at the president's house, each other.
Yeah.
We're going to fuck you up.
I'm not thrilled about that.
You're going to be there?
Yeah.
I'll be there, but I'm not thrilled about it.
Did you see this today?
It doesn't seem like a wise idea.
Yeah.
It looks like they're targeting the fucking reporter.
Whoa.
Hey, Charlie.
Come here, buddy.
Oh, this dog's going to be a whole different show here.
No, he'll calm down.
He just has to relax.
He's never been with me alone before.
Oh.
He's only been with my wife alone, but he loves me.
He slept with me last night.
He sleeps in the bed with my daughter, so he slept with me last night.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, little buddy.
That's good.
We got diversity here.
It's a brown dog.
Yeah, they attacked that reporter, man.
Crazy.
It looked, I mean, unless it was a wayward missile, which is like, what
happened to precision
strikes?
Oh, yeah.
I thought they were surgical.
Remember they would call them surgical?
That's right.
Imagine calling a bomb that's going like 5,000 miles an hour surgical.
I think they got old equipment over there.
They got Atari and shit.
They're way behind.
But we hit a school that was on us, I think.
Yeah.
Yeah.
100%.
Even in our other countries, we're shooting schools.
Well, the school was unfortunately off.
What is it, Jamie?
That's a missile right before it.
Whoa.
Is that the red?
Damn, that's quite a hit.
Whoa.
That's nuts.
Jesus Christ.
It looks like L.A.
It's crazy that you can capture it.
Like, how good are these cameras?
Meanwhile, they couldn't catch that plane flying into the Pentagon.
True.
Right?
When you see that thing, that thing looks just like a missile, too.
Right.
What do you think that was, that plane that hit the Pentagon?
It doesn't really look like a plane.
Why would they be shooting a missile into a place that's already been hit by
missiles?
And why is it in Russia?
Oh, that's just a reporter.
Russia Today reporter.
Oh, got it.
Got it.
Sorry.
Yeah, RT.
You know that channel?
I, in Lebanon.
Oh, in Lebanon.
I wonder if they're going after press.
Because they've gone after press before.
Interesting.
Yeah.
I mean, they've been accused of shooting press in Gaza.
Right.
Yeah.
Smart, because they want to tell their own story.
I don't want you in there with your cameras.
Yeah.
What do you think about these Netanyahu AI videos?
I haven't seen them.
You haven't seen them?
No.
Well, they think he might be dead.
What?
Yeah.
There's a bunch of AI videos that Israel has released that are, like, clearly
AI.
What?
Show him the one where there's in the cafe.
This one's nuts.
Like, this one, I would assume that some kid made.
Yeah.
Just fucking around on his computer.
All right.
Like, I saw it.
I was like, there's no way they're really trying to pass this off as an actual
video of Netanyahu
at a cafe in the middle of the war.
Like, everything is calm and peaceful.
I couldn't tell.
Is that one?
Yeah, this one.
Well, that's just a clip.
Show the actual...
I can't.
So I didn't...
BB.
It's on the Israel website, or the Israel Twitter page.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
No, they released it.
I didn't know.
Holy moly.
He's dead.
That's crazy.
Well, his brother's dead.
His brother got killed in a missile strike.
Recently?
Yes.
What?
Yes.
They struck his...
Are you just not online?
What's going on?
I just watch funny shit and goof around.
Pour some of that.
Let's fucking go.
I got you, baby.
Let's fucking go.
Come on.
Give me some.
Oh, hey.
I thought you quit the sauce.
Oh, no.
I got back on.
Hey.
I thought you got...
You turned Muslim or something.
I didn't know what happened.
Jihad.
I'm back.
Hell, yeah.
Alhamdulillah.
Pour me one.
Easy, Zoran.
Bodega Cat.
Cheers, sir.
Cheers.
Hey, good to be back.
Went off Ari's dead weight.
Holding us down.
I don't get drunk.
Oof.
I might get off this stuff, though.
But I have started drinking again.
I took like eight months off.
It was a good reset.
I mean, you're so sure.
I'll take a week off and I'm like limitless.
Yeah.
Well, I realized that because of the club, I was just drinking too much.
Right.
And I was just tired all the time.
And I'd go to work out the next day.
I was like, God, I feel like shit.
Why am I doing this to myself?
And then I took eight months off.
Then I had a glass of wine with dinner.
I was like, ooh, I like it.
And then I had a margarita.
And I was like, ooh, I'm back.
It's a great time.
This one.
So look at this.
This is AI.
That's fake.
Well, people have zoomed in on the signs and stuff.
And it's not even real writing.
And he's saying, look, I have five fingers.
Weird.
He's joking around.
You know, because there was an AI video before that people were criticizing
because it looked
like one of his fingers had grown an extra appendage.
Right.
I think that just looked like the crease of his hand, honestly, to me.
Yeah.
But this looks fake as fuck.
First of all, it's weird because he sips out of the cup and yet the cup stays
exactly the
same level and no matter where he moves the cup around, it doesn't spill.
Right.
Like there's a moment where he turns the cup like almost sideways.
Yeah.
It moves way too much for it to not spill at all.
And why would he just be doing it?
It looks like an ad for this coffee shop.
Yeah.
He's just hanging out at a coffee shop during the war.
And also, like, how's everybody so casual?
Yeah.
He didn't tip, though.
So that's the Judaism is coming through.
But yeah, now this is crazy.
It also looks like AI.
Like, he looks like he's got a beauty filter on.
That doesn't look like a human being.
Totally.
This is silly.
Let me hear what he's saying.
What is he saying?
Is it in Hebrew?
Yeah.
Look, everybody's happy to see him.
Can you imagine if you were in that coffee shop?
You'd be like, please leave.
Please leave before the bombs come.
Please leave before they target you.
Right.
They're trying to find that guy everywhere he fucking goes.
Yeah.
Oh, you look at that.
See, we got the ayatollah in there, too.
They fake that one.
Look at that.
They're just showing you how easy it is.
There's some really good AI platforms now.
And to know what they would have that they're not showing is, who knows?
This is, he's got, come on.
He can't be dead.
He might be dead.
His brother's dead.
See, that's like, look at this.
Yeah.
Like, the coffee, look how turned it is.
Right.
It doesn't spill at all.
It just wiggles to the edge.
And then they've also shown that, like, on the register and in some of the
signs, the writing's not real.
Mmm.
Damn.
It's very, very fucking weird, man.
Well, RIP.
Very weird.
Drink one for Yahoo.
We haven't been seen publicly in over a week.
Mmm.
So, he might be gone.
Yeah, there's a lot of crazy shit going on.
I can't give up with the Hormuz.
I don't know what that's about.
It's completely closed now.
They even bombed, like, the Saudis had another way to move oil out into another
direction across the Red Sea, I believe it is.
And, uh, the, the Iranians bombed that yesterday.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Woo!
Yeah, it's getting hot, dude.
It's, it's fucking scary.
He's actually speaking live as we, uh...
Oh, in front of people?
Okay, he's alive.
I guess.
In front of people?
I don't know.
They just opened Twitter back up and this was there.
I wonder, so if he is alive, I wonder why they would release that Clearly AI
video.
Because that, like, this looks like a normal human, right?
Yeah, kind of.
This doesn't look...
They say that privately.
It's a little glossy.
The world owes a debt of deep indebtedness, deep indebtedness, to President
Trump for leading this effort to safeguard our future.
Hmm.
Man, but this guy's been trying to get war with Iran for decades, man.
Yeah, oh yeah, he's loving this.
And if he's not, by the way, if he's not in war, he's not in office anymore.
And then he gets indicted.
Right.
He's in the middle of at least one case, one corruption case.
Mm-hmm.
Well, this is his Super Bowl.
He's in heaven.
So there's people in the audience, right?
So this is real.
Well, I mean, there's...
They're not...
This angle doesn't show them.
It's like a static angle, but you can hear people's voices, which, you know, if
we're going to be...
Oh, they don't show the people?
You could say that's fake, but...
Hmm.
I need to see the people.
I need to see somebody hug them.
So wait, why aren't you...
I need to see somebody jerk them off.
I want to know it's real.
Let's see that no foreskin.
Can you imagine if they did show that?
They'd just show him just blasting, like, 12-foot arcs.
Of rope?
Just fire hose of jizz.
Oh, yeah.
To show how virile he is.
Manischewitz.
Yeah.
Now, why are you not looking forward to the White House fight?
Well, it's kind of a gimmick.
Of course.
There's that.
And, you know, people are criticizing the card, but if it was any other card,
it's a great card.
Mm-hmm.
It's just they're criticizing it because they said it was going to be the
greatest card of all time.
And it's also, it's just going to be a security nightmare.
That's true.
You're on the White House lawn.
Also, they're fighting outside.
What if it rains?
What if it's hot?
You're in the middle of June.
Right.
June in D.C. can get pretty warm.
Yep, yep.
That affects fighters.
We only did one outside fight that I was a part of, and that was in Abu Dhabi,
and it was a nightmare.
Yeah.
It was really hot, and there was bugs flying around.
They're the size of fucking birds.
Oof.
It was crazy.
It's like stand-up.
You've got to do it indoors.
100%.
Outside is hell for stand-up.
Yeah, it's terrible.
Terrible.
Most shows are bad outside.
But here's my idea.
We do White House fight, but we fight politicians.
Huh?
Bobert versus AOC?
Now, that's a fight.
I like that.
But I think RFK would win everything.
I think Jasmine Crockett whoops them all.
Oh, yeah.
She's feisty.
She'd take a shoe off.
She pulls the wig off, stuffs it in your mouth.
You can't breathe.
When a black woman takes her earrings off, I'm terrified.
Well, she's not a politician anymore.
She lost, right?
Yeah, but she'll be around.
They never leave.
Maybe.
They go forever, these guys.
Maybe.
Bernie's still cooking.
Yeah, but he's the senator.
He's been a senator forever.
That's true.
She's lost.
So, who knows what's going to happen now?
But Hillary's around.
What is she doing?
She's probably eating pussy.
You think?
I hope.
I mean, she needs a relief.
This guy, this lady.
I kind of like Hillary just because she's, you know, she got cheated on
publicly with the
Monica thing.
Now she's doing the Epstein's Island stuff.
She lost the presidential race.
And she's still out there.
She's kind of a badass.
I would kill myself at this point.
Well, she's also got like a list of people that have mysteriously disappeared.
Oh, is that right?
That are attached to her and Bill.
Oh, really?
Yeah, you don't know about that?
No.
For real?
You don't know about the Clinton body count?
I know Norm was on The View years ago and he said Clinton killed a guy.
Yeah, he said he killed a bunch of people, I think.
That's where I get my information.
It's a good way to get it, from The View.
Super solid, detailed information.
But she's getting like grilled by the Epstein people, or about Epstein, and she's
just
like going off.
And Bill's reminiscing.
Well, she walked, she stormed out because Lauren Boebert took a picture of her.
Oh.
And posted it online.
Like, that's it.
I'm leaving.
Yeah.
Like, how are you allowed to leave?
Yeah, exactly.
Because somebody took a picture.
Sit the fuck down.
You're not even in office anymore.
You're just a civilian.
Sit your fucking ass down and answer the questions.
Yeah.
Like, it's just an excuse to leave.
But you gotta hand it to Bill.
He's denying until he dies.
Yeah, I did nothing.
I was only there for humanitarian purposes.
We got photos and everything.
I was just getting massages and hugging nice people.
Exactly.
Nothing untoward was done to me or anyone else that was there, as far as I know.
Yeah, this is pretty good.
I didn't see that side of Jeffrey Epstein.
You gotta bring this back.
Hey.
Look at this guy.
We got photo evidence.
That lady's smiling.
If she claims victim, I call horseshit.
She looks like she's having a good time.
Also, that's a woman.
You know?
That's true.
Once you're a woman, okay?
You know, unless someone's holding a gun to your head.
If we're talking about children, we're talking about a different thing.
But there's a lot of these ladies that were grown women when they were doing
this.
And the emails that were exchanged between Epstein and these women, like, they
were well aware of what's going on.
At least some of them were.
There was this Russian lady who was talking.
She was recruiting girls.
She was saying, this one's a fat ass.
She needs to lose some weight.
She's trying to get these girls to work with Epstein.
Right.
Who, Ghislaine?
No.
It wasn't Ghislaine.
It was some other Russian lady.
Oh, damn.
Like, some of these ladies, at least, were, like, look, the real criticism, the
real legitimate criticism is where there are underage girls involved.
Now, clearly, they were in Epstein's past.
He went to jail for it.
The whole Palm Beach thing with the underage masseuses.
But some of these are just ladies who did bad things.
They made bad decisions, and they probably wound up on that island for money.
Yeah.
Okay.
A couple of whore moves.
Oh, hey, where you going, buddy?
Charlie.
Hi, buddy.
He snuck out, little fucker.
Hi.
I'm a little worried about...
I was hoping...
He looked like he was totally calm, just sitting in that chair.
Oh, Jamie's got him now.
What are you doing?
Bro, you're locked up.
Jamie's used to having a little dog, and he's like, oh, he's giving you kisses.
Damn.
Not a Rogan fan, huh?
Doesn't like the pot.
He's bored.
No, he just doesn't know this environment.
I think he's weirded out.
And then he was out there with a mountain lion, stuffed mountain lion.
And the alligators, and the werewolf.
He's like, what the fuck is this place?
He's never been here before.
And there's weed smoke.
There's dog scent.
I think he's a little weirded out.
There's cigars.
Right.
Everything.
Whiskey in here.
He probably smells that.
Speaking of which, you got any of those stogies?
Yeah, let's bust them out.
I would love a stogie.
Let's go.
Hell yeah.
Boy, see, I can't keep up with all the news.
You know about Epstein.
You know about Iran.
You know about Israel.
You know about Hillary.
This is...
I barely know.
I'm off social media.
I've been off social media for a while.
The only time I'm on is when someone sends me something funny.
Oh, yeah.
And I go and check it.
And then I find myself scrolling for like 30 seconds.
And I was, stop.
That's how they get you.
Stop fucking scrolling.
It's impossible.
They're so good at it.
These say Knuckle Sandwich.
Where did these come from?
Hmm.
Knuckle Sandwich is...
That can't be the same place.
Because there's a...
Isn't there a place...
There's Knuckle Sandwich, which is the sandwich truck in Austin, which is
awesome.
And Chris Brown's album.
Oh, these are Guy Fieri cigars.
All right.
Let's hope they're good.
Did you see that bachelorette who got kicked off for beating the shit out of
her husband?
Yo.
Yeah.
For real?
On the show?
My wife's a big reality lady.
That's healthy.
I know, right?
She loves it.
All of those 90-day fiancés.
Chicks love that shit.
They love it.
That and true crime.
Yes, right?
Isn't it weird?
Oh, yeah.
I get the true crime because they don't really commit those kind of violent
acts.
They probably need to understand, like, the male mind.
Right, right.
That makes sense to me.
Yeah.
But what I don't understand is the...
Thank you.
I mean, I don't know.
Maybe I'm just stuck up.
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Well, they say it's biological.
They're like, oh, I'm learning how to avoid these scary moments.
No, I get that.
Because it is.
Like, my daughters, young daughters, they all love it.
Everybody loves it.
Their friends love it.
Yeah.
It's like the number one show with ladies.
Oh, yeah.
Like, the number one podcast with ladies is true crime.
It's great.
You know what the number two show for ladies is?
What?
You're on it.
Hey, get out of here.
Really?
Number one with black people, too.
Holla.
Hey, take that, Shay Shay.
Holla.
All right.
Shout out to all my African-American friends.
Hell, yeah.
Let's let them go.
These are not bad.
Guy Fieri.
Let's go, Guy.
I love Guy.
He's a fun dude.
Cool dude.
Got a bunch of yellow cars, though.
That's odd.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Not the best fashion sense.
You know, shirts with flames on it, frosted tips.
Yeah, but you're paying attention.
That's true.
He's got me.
Like, if you want to be a chef and you want to be, like, a celebrity chef, you
gotta either
be a great narrator and a great writer like Bourdain.
Yeah.
Or you gotta be, like, angry.
Like Gordon Ramsay.
Gordon Ramsay.
Yeah.
That's true.
But what happened to show?
When I was a kid, chefs were, like, fat guys with beards, and now they all have,
they're
jacked with tats.
Yeah.
Well, they all look like artists, because they are artists.
I guess, but it's...
I didn't really think of that until I watched Bourdain's show, and then I was
like, oh,
these guys are making temporary art.
That's true.
Then you get to eat it.
Yeah.
But it is art.
It is art.
Yeah.
They're mixing oils.
There's a lot of chemistry involved.
Mm-hmm.
But they kind of went the same path as porn stars.
Porn stars used to be, like, voluptuous and hairy, bush, and now they're all,
like,
they're all, like, MMA fighters.
They're jacked and taking it in the ass.
It's wild.
They're all tatted up and pierced and shit.
One of the things that I've been watching a lot when the world is going
completely crazy,
I watch people making street food in other countries.
Oh, that's...
With no language, no talking.
It's all ASMR.
It's all them cooking.
Oh, yeah.
And no regulations either.
Bring them over here.
Bring them over here.
Come on.
They're not washing hands over there.
Okay, Char-Char.
Char-Char, have a seat.
And they'll use roadkill, whatever.
Like, they don't give a shit.
No, they're using good food.
It was Afghanistan.
They were making roast chicken.
Oh, come on.
Dude, I'm telling you.
I'll send it to Jamie, and you'll watch it.
All right, all right.
It's exciting.
I mean, I ate halal trucks for 10 years when I was broke in New York.
Oh, they're great.
They're great.
They are great.
But I could be eating pigeon and children.
Yeah, you probably are.
Children.
Not children, but definitely pigeon.
Probably pigeon's made it into your mouth a couple of times.
Yeah, all right.
Let me find these motherfuckers.
I watch so much, too.
YouTube is my number one thing.
Same.
Since I'm off social media.
I love it.
It's my number one thing for distraction.
Whoa.
Oh, yeah.
This is exactly.
Jamie, you're the best.
This is it.
Most cheap food in Afghanistan.
This guy, he sets up.
They cook all this stuff.
And you watch.
I mean, it's like a 40-minute video or something.
How long is it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's like a 40-minute video.
I watch the whole thing.
Just, like, at home, chilling after a long day's work.
Just watching people cook street food in Afghanistan.
It looks fucking delicious, man.
Look at those spices.
My God.
Yeah.
And they have meat in this stew pot.
And they, well, it's like, you know, a big wok, it looks like.
Yeah.
And they boil it up with all this salt and all these herbs and spices.
And then they got these roast chickens.
And they take these chickens and they stick them in spikes.
If you back up the video a little bit, it's earlier in the video.
You show they take these chickens and they just have this big flame in the
middle.
And then they stick these chickens all around the flame.
This is hell for a vegan.
The shape of that.
Fun fact, I think, if this is true.
That's because they used to flip their shields upside down.
Whoa.
It's sort of like with the Genghis Khan stir-fry.
Oh, that makes sense.
I love it.
That makes sense.
Yeah, man.
That totally makes sense.
Wouldn't it be great if the end is just a big drone?
It's a big drone strike.
Well, we don't bomb Afghanistan anymore.
We send them money.
Oh, is that right?
Now we send the Taliban money.
Man.
We send them a ton of money.
We hook up everybody.
Ukraine.
Should go back to the chickens, though.
If you back up.
Whoa, he's got a little brush.
Oh, there there.
No, yeah, there it is.
So this is how he does it.
So they have this fire in the middle, and they just take these chickens on a
stick, and they
just rotate them.
And they put the fire in the center, and the chickens all around them, and they
rotate them.
I got so hungry.
I had to go in the kitchen to make myself food afterwards.
This is a chicken holocaust.
Yeah, it looks good, right?
Man, it does look amazing.
Yeah, dude, it looks fucking delicious.
I mean, you ever get the rotisserie chicken at the grocery store?
Oh, that's pretty good.
It's good.
You just eat it with knife and fork.
No, no, no nothing.
I know.
You, like, that's a good thing to do when you just want to be completely
distracted.
That's what I like.
I like watching people make, like, tables.
Yes.
Furniture and shit.
That, the horse hoof cleaning is great.
I watch that too.
Farriers.
What is that?
Is that something in us, I think, in eight old times?
It must be.
It must be.
Like, there's a nail on his hoof.
Oh, get it out.
Get it out.
Get the gunk out.
Help the horse.
Yeah, and the horse loves it.
That's a good one.
What else is good?
The pressure washing is kind of fun.
That's when I'm really high.
I take an edible.
I just wash a guy.
He's just washing a wall.
It goes from black dough to cement.
Yeah.
32 million views.
32 million.
32 million.
Okay.
So what is that?
Why are we so interested in watching people clean up horse hooves?
Well, I think part of it is it doesn't hurt the horse, and it looks like it
would.
So that's kind of fascinating because it's all, what is that, like cartilage or?
It's all like fingernail stuff.
I guess so.
It's like giant fat fingernails.
Wow.
That's what it's like.
I mean, that's what a horse hooves is.
And if they don't take care of the hooves, they get real weird, and they look
like Arab
shoes where they curl up at the tips.
Yeah, right, right.
There it is.
Yeah, like that, like that.
There it is.
So this must be somebody just like completely neglected that poor horse.
But what did horses do in the, you know?
They wear off from running around.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, just like a dog's fingernails.
Right.
Like you have to trim your dog's nails unless the dogs run around outside a lot,
and then
you don't have to do anything.
Got it.
Oh, the dogs all happy.
It's like rat teeth.
The horses all happy now.
They never stop growing.
Rat teeth don't stop growing?
The beaver teeth don't, right?
Oh, is that right?
I didn't know that.
Oh, shearing sheep.
Oh, this is good stuff.
Yeah.
Wow.
Isn't it amazing how many views, how many views does that have?
Can I guess?
Yeah, 23 million.
I'm going to go.
Three million subscribers on the channel.
I'm going to go 80 million.
Three million subscribers.
3.7.
3.7 million.
Oh, okay.
This is just a Greek guy.
Look at that.
There's another guy that I love.
The channel's called Wilderness Cooking, and this guy lives in Azerbaijan, and
he cooks
in the mountains.
It always looks delicious, and then at the end of it, he has a bite of it, and
he looks
at you, and he goes, super.
He gives you a thumb up.
Yeah.
It's a great channel, and that guy's got millions and millions of views.
This dude.
So he catches fish, and he does all the things.
He makes his own fire, and he's always cooking in weird ways.
Wow.
See, this guy's way happier than all of us.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's having a good time.
Well, he lives in peaceful mountains.
He's making delicious food.
Mm-hmm.
Imagine him on Cameo just saying super.
He could make a billion dollars.
He probably does.
Yeah, but it's his happy birthday, super.
Wow.
Who makes the most on Cameo?
They're still doing that?
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Who's like the number one earner on Cameo?
That's a great question.
I'm sure Dynamite had a run.
It's got to be somebody with a catchphrase.
Is Jimmy Walker still alive?
Oh, yeah.
Is he still touring?
I'd imagine.
I don't know how he pays the bills.
Yeah.
These old guys, you wonder how they have money.
Right.
Can that last?
Like, how long does Dynamite...
You know what I worry about?
Guys who were, like, middle-axe, like, 20 years ago, and they just faded out?
Like, what are you doing?
I assume Uber or something.
Leaderboard, John Kirikow.
John Kirikow is number one?
Yeah.
That's crazy.
He's just starting.
So he does Cameos?
Who's that?
I don't even know who that is.
Who are all the...
John Kirikow?
Yeah.
He's a former CIA guy.
Went to jail.
What?
Yeah.
He's a golfer.
They put him in jail.
A golfer?
That's my buddy Bob.
Oh, you know him?
Yeah.
And he's number two?
Yeah.
How much money is he making?
I mean, he does a lot of these.
He was always in a fight, like, with Santa during Christmas time.
What?
John Gruden's been up here for a while, but he's not currently on here.
Oh, that dude, Soi Tiet, that guy who sings?
Oh, yeah.
He's fun.
Yeah.
And then, who's red?
Is that one of the island boys?
Who's that guy in the lower left corner?
Oh, wow.
That guy.
Those guys are still at it.
And then the rest of these, I don't know who they are.
So John Kirikow costs $179 for one of those.
Oh, bam.
Dan Marguerra's in there.
Good for him.
Who else is in there?
Anybody you know?
No.
No.
No names I do not recognize.
Nick Foley.
Interesting.
Oh, Red Dead Redemption guy.
Oh, Nick Foley, the wrestler.
There you go.
How odd.
Weird.
What an odd thing.
Who's buying a Rappaport?
President Donald Trump parody is number 37.
What?
Michael Rappaport?
He's screaming enough for free.
Yeah.
Why would you buffer?
Oh, Buffer's got to be up there.
Of course, Buffer.
Yeah, of course, Buffer.
I've seen people in a hotel, they've, like, heard him doing them.
Oh, yeah, I've seen him do them.
Practicing a lot of stuff.
I've seen him do them.
I've been with him when he's doing them.
How crazy is his story with his brother?
Crazy.
Isn't that bananas?
Yeah.
That kind of shit blows my mind.
Didn't even know his brother until they were, like, 30.
And they just found each other with the voice, both fighting.
Yeah.
Well, he was, like, the budget buffer in the beginning.
Like, he was, like, if you couldn't afford Michael, you got Bruce.
But now Bruce is way better than Michael.
No disrespect to Michael.
Oh, boy.
But Michael gets, you know, Michael's smooth.
Yes.
Let's get ready to rumble, which is perfect for boxing.
But Bruce is perfect for MMA.
Yeah, he's got more flair.
You fucking hyped.
Oh, yeah.
He's got the suit on.
He's going to drop dead doing that one day.
We've all called it.
I know.
Because he gets beet red.
And now he's, like, deep in his 60s.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know how old he is.
And he parties, too, I think.
Bruce parties?
Oh, yeah.
How do you know?
There's a bunch of videos of him.
He got into a fist fight in an elevator with an MMA fighter.
Oh, that was at Frank Trigg?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kind of a fist fight.
Wow.
Like, a little bit of a pushing, shoving, probably.
Frank Trigg would literally kill him.
I know.
That's why I'm impressed, because he stood up to him.
Frank Trigg was an animal when he was young.
Yeah.
I would not fuck with that guy.
This was, like, I think it was when Frank was still fighting.
That's crazy.
I don't think Frank really fought him back.
I think that would be a very quick encounter.
But just the fact that he was up for it.
I don't know what really happened.
I think the story's online somewhere.
Yeah.
It's Bruce's version of the story.
Yeah, it's true.
You know what I mean?
I don't know.
Not that Bruce is lying.
Bruce might have thought he was in a fight, and Frank might have thought it was
hilarious.
Right, right.
I don't know.
Yeah.
But Bruce did martial arts most of his life.
The craziest coincidence of all, and get your fingers ready, J-Mo.
Dennis the Menace, the cartoon, was invented in England and in America on the
same day.
What?
Put that in your pipe and jizz on it.
Get that cooking.
Oh, yeah.
Because they were like, oh, you must have stolen this.
So they went back and researched it.
They were both invented.
Same character, same name, on the same day and the same year.
That makes no sense.
Isn't that bananas?
My brain blew up.
That literally makes no sense.
It's crazy.
So, that's a fun one.
How is that possible?
I don't know.
Just, you know, monkeys writing on a typewriter, eventually you get Shakespeare.
Two guys thinking of the same thing, same day, across the pond.
Maybe that's one of those things, like, what is that called?
Like, um, like Berenstain Bears, the Mandala Effect.
Oh, yeah.
That's not the same thing, because that's like when it's not real.
This is something that's real.
That's true.
Right.
That's right.
Right.
No, I'm thinking of the wrong thing.
Yeah.
What does Perplexity say?
Our lovely AI sponsor, Perplexity, says there's actually two completely
separate Dennis the Menace comic strip characters
that debuted almost simultaneously in 1951, created independently in the UK and
the US.
So, how would they even know about each other back then?
Oh, sorry.
It's 17th and 12th.
So, they're five days apart.
Who started first?
British was the 17th.
Okay.
On sale issued, dated 17 March, on sale 12 March, created by these guys,
American, on 12 March.
No.
Like, basically the same day on sale.
On sale the same day.
Unbelievable.
That's insane.
Blonde hair, overalls.
Let's make images.
And it said, go back to what the saying was again.
It said, your son is a menace.
Did they both say that?
No.
I don't know.
Wow.
Both mischievous little boys, but they look different.
UK Dennis has black hair.
Mmm.
Red and black jumper.
US Dennis, blonde hair, overalls.
They live in different fictional worlds.
Creators worked entirely independently.
No evidence either knew about the other before publication.
So, it's treated as a famous coincidence rather than copying.
Wow.
Unreal.
There they are, side by side.
Wow.
That kind of shit is kooky.
It's weird.
It's like when rats, you, like, if you teach a rat how to get out of a maze on
the east coast,
rats on the west coast get out of the maze quicker.
No fucking way.
Yeah.
What?
There's a guy named Rupert Sheldrick.
He calls it morphic resonance.
He thinks there's some sort of, like, communication that all animals have with
each other all over the world
that we can't quantify, that we can't measure, but it seems real.
Yeah.
Well, apparently, I got caught in an ant pile when I was a kid,
and all the ants swarmed on me, and they all bit me at once.
I felt it.
I was like, ah!
It was just one big, just, wave of pain.
Oh, yeah.
They communicated.
Well, ants just immediately attack, though, as soon as you get on the ant hill.
But ants are, they're on another level.
You hear about the lady that fell?
She was, her parachute didn't deploy, but she landed in an ant pile of fire
ants.
Oh, no.
And she survived because she was bit, like, a thousand times by these fire ants.
And somehow or another, the ant bites and the adrenaline that caused it helped.
Hey, don't jump down.
Stay up there, buddy.
Is what kept her alive.
What?
Yeah.
Wow.
That's when you start going religion shit.
I know.
Like, how did that happen?
Stay up here, buddy.
Stay up here.
Ant bites.
Yeah.
Oh, it's like a clear, she got cleared by ants.
Isn't that nuts?
That is kooky.
It's like when those guys jump off the Golden Gate Bridge and a seal, a guy
jump off, broke
all his bones, and a seal pushed him to the shore.
Whoa.
That's in the documentary, The Bridge.
A friend of mine did that, died.
Really?
Yeah, he killed himself.
It's the number one spot to kill yourself.
Yeah.
R.I.P.
Tony Anagoni.
He's a buddy of mine that was a professional pool player that I did commentary
with him on
a pool match in the 90s.
He was in a book called Playing Off the Rail.
There's a great book by this guy, David McCumber, who was Hunter S. Thompson's
editor in, I want
to say Seattle, something like that.
I forget what newspaper.
But when Hunter was off the rails and out of his fucking mind, too, it was
another different
kind of off the rail.
Right, right.
So he followed my friend Tony all across the country gambling.
It's a great book about pool hustling.
Yeah.
Tony was a world-class professional pool player, and they went around the
country gambling, and
I don't know what happened with him, but I lost touch with them.
Was he Golden Gate?
Yeah.
Oh, damn.
It's like they all know to go there.
Well, he was a San Francisco guy.
He lived up there his whole life.
And I got this message from a friend of mine.
Tony jumped off the bridge.
I was like, no.
Whoa.
Crazy.
Well, it's weird.
Because I watch matches sometimes on YouTube, and he's doing the commentary for
the matches.
Oh, that's crazy.
It's so strange, because he seems so happy.
He's enjoying himself.
They're cracking up.
And I'm like, what is it that makes someone want to end it?
You know, what is it?
Like, what was...
I guess he had, like, some failed business ventures, and he was going bankrupt,
and...
Well, depression is, you know, was way more unresearched back then.
Yeah.
You know, you probably just thought, ah, something's wrong with me.
I got to end this pain.
Yeah.
But damn.
But yeah, everybody who lived, they said...
Each of them said separately, right when my hand left the rail, I was...
I regretted it.
Oh, yeah.
Every single one.
They all say that.
Yeah.
Everybody who lives.
So don't do it.
It's a terrible idea.
Yeah.
Do you remember the one in downtown L.A. where the guy was, like, on...
I think he shot himself with a shotgun.
He was, like, standing on the edge of a bridge, and it was live on TV.
Do you remember that one?
No, no.
It was, like, a standoff.
They were trying to get him to not jump, and he had a shotgun.
What?
I think I'm conflating it.
Pull it up.
But I'm pretty sure he blew his brains out on TV.
Damn.
I knew about the fat guy with the gun in the mouth.
Oh, yeah.
The old politician guy.
Was he a judge?
Was he a...
Maybe a judge.
A dirty judge?
Yeah, yeah.
That song, Hey Man, Nice Shot.
Exactly.
Yeah.
And that was a hot video when I was a kid.
Oh, yeah.
What is it?
Taste of Death?
Or...
Faces.
Faces of Death.
Bud Dwyer.
Fire, that's it.
That was one of the first ones where you got to see a guy die.
Like a viral video.
He put a giant gun in his mouth.
Yeah.
Look at it at 44.
And everybody goes, no, no, don't do it.
Oh, great.
He's like, stay back.
Hang on, relax.
Everyone, stay calm.
Yeah.
He just shoved it in his mouth and boom.
Woo.
Blew the top of his dome off.
And now we just see people getting shot on Twitter every 10 seconds.
Every day.
I mean, the Kirk thing, I remember waking up and being like, good God.
The Kirk thing's weird.
The Kirk thing's weird because now there's video footage from behind.
Is that right?
Yeah.
I mean, the round that he was supposedly shot with was a 30-odd-six, which is a
big round.
That's a round that you can kill a moose with.
Uh-huh.
And it doesn't even have an exit wound.
Right.
It don't make no sense.
It makes zero sense.
Well, you hear about this Joe Kent.
Yeah.
Yeah, they told him not to research or investigate.
Yes.
So what's up with that?
He said that they were told to stop their investigation.
Yeah.
And that they were going to handle it.
And he just resigned.
And meanwhile, have they handled it?
Like, we haven't seen that guy, the guy who loves furries, who supposedly
killed Charlie Kirk.
Tyler.
Robinson.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We haven't seen him talk.
No.
He hasn't said he did it.
He hasn't said he didn't do it.
There's no known, like, independent video of him talking about it.
Yeah.
And then there was footage of him, like, at a yoga shop.
Right.
Like, way across town, like, 20 minutes later.
The whole thing is, like, super sus.
It's similar with the guy who shot Trump, whatever his name was.
He had three names.
Oh, yeah.
That kid.
That kid was in a BlackRock commercial two years before.
He had no silverware.
And look, I'm-
His house was professionally scrubbed.
And no one can ask questions about that?
We can't deep dive on that?
If you do, you're a conspiracy theorist.
I shot a presidential elect.
Well, yeah.
Not only that, but isn't that a fucking conspiracy?
Like, that's a conspiracy.
Right.
He conspired to murder the president of the United States.
It seems like he had help.
Of course.
Like, how the fuck did he get up onto that roof?
How did they not have people on that roof?
They said the slope was too steep.
Yeah.
Meanwhile, there were snipers on another roof that had a sharper angled roof.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And then he has no social media.
Yeah.
And he has no history.
It's all kooky.
Super suspect.
Yeah.
We can't ask questions or else we're assholes.
Well, not only that, the kooky people online now think that that was staged.
And that, you know, Trump had that guy shoot his ear.
Like, you don't know jack shit about guns if you think that that was staged.
I will say the flag going up with the photo op was pretty perfect.
But sometimes that's like Dennis the Menace.
That shit just lines up perfectly.
I guess so.
You know what I mean?
Sometimes weird stuff happens.
Yeah.
They're like, how is this so perfect?
Right, right.
You know?
Yeah, we got to get to the bottom of it.
He got shot in the ear, man.
I saw his fucking ear.
He had like a little mark on his ear.
I remember that.
Get Nick Shirley on this shit.
He's cracking all kinds of cases.
Bro, the stuff that he just found in California is bonkers.
If you see that guy in your town, you're fucked.
He's a persistent little queef.
Would you see what the governor posted, what Newsom's press office posted?
They posted a photo of Nick Shirley, like a fake Nick Shirley, like a meme,
like Nick Shirley
peeking into windows.
It's like, hey, he's doing your job.
He's uncovering fraud, and what you're doing is mocking him?
Right.
You should go, oh shit, that's fraud?
Yeah.
I'm the governor.
They should just open up the investigations into all these places immediately
if you cared.
But all they want to do is just obfuscate, cover it up, make it look silly.
Yeah.
Make it look like he's something, whatever he is, white supremacist.
Right, right.
MAGA.
Nazi, whatever, MAGA.
Come up with a name.
I don't want to get into it.
My kid's at a Somali daycare right now, so I don't want to say anything crazy.
But yeah, that was all kooky.
And look, I don't know what's real and what isn't anymore.
You know, if you ask questions, you're this, you get labeled, I don't know.
I know.
It's a wacky time, and no one's happy.
It's a time when we've never had more information, and no one's less sure about
anything.
Yes, and the same with we're more lonely than ever, and we have more
connectivity than ever.
Yeah, but it's the kind of connectivity that people have.
It's not, that's why I'm off social media.
It's just not good for you.
No.
I hop on to post things, and then I get the fuck out of there.
But you seem to know a ton of stuff, so I'm like, how are you off social media,
but also knowledgeable?
Google News Feed, and then things that inform people send me.
I rely on people sending me things now, which is way better.
Because everybody's always sending you things that are, have you seen this shit?
Holy fuck.
I say something yesterday about that.
Always.
YouTube deleted it.
Yeah, I don't think they did.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I think it's back.
Or if it was deleted, it was pulled back up, the Nick Shirley thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Well, good.
Because other people said, I found it.
It's right here.
So it might have just been a glitch.
Right.
Or it might have been they thought about deleting it, and someone said, that's
going to make it
worse.
Exactly, exactly.
So it definitely makes it worse.
But if it is true, I don't know if it all is true with the fraud and everything,
but I'm
like, I'm like, can we stop it?
Can we get the money back?
Can we help people who are paying taxes who are not getting anything out of it,
and it's
all going to some guy in a cyber truck?
Like, where's the redemption?
Where's the comeuppance?
Well, this is the thing that Elon Musk told me about during the Doge stuff.
He said, the biggest fraud in this country is Medicare fraud, Medicaid fraud.
He's like, if that gets, he goes, I don't even want to talk about it because I
don't want
them to kill me.
Whoa.
He literally said that.
He's like, we're talking about hundreds of billions of dollars in fraud.
But don't we have the worst health care or whatever?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Huh.
But it doesn't matter.
It's not about actual health care.
It's about using the system to extract money, pretending you have a daycare,
pretending you
have a hospice, pretending you have a this and a that, and really you're just
lying about
who's there and collecting checks from the government.
Because if you have a bunch of clients, like there was one place in Minneapolis
that was
saying they were feeding like 5,000 people a day.
They never saw more than 40 people there.
They investigated, like this is just, they're just taking money.
Yeah.
And they're getting millions and millions of dollars.
It's crazy.
But you got to think, if this thing has been going on for so long, they
probably have a
whole system.
No one's ever investigated it.
It's been happening for over a decade.
And they just like, this is what we do.
And they're all just cashing in.
Yeah, but I don't know.
Like my friend lives in Minneapolis.
He's an old pal.
And he's like, I've known Tim Walz my whole life.
He was always the governor and he's a nice guy.
But then you see this shit and you're like, so is he stupid or is he corrupt?
Well, you can know someone and think they're a nice guy because they're a nice
guy to you.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Like I know a lot of people and people say that guy's a piece of shit.
I'm like, maybe.
But to me, all I can judge is how he treats me and how he talks to me.
But he's going to talk different to me than he's going to talk to people that
don't matter to him.
Yeah.
And you only know of his online perception.
Tim Walz just seems weird.
It just, there's no humans that I know like that, that wave like that, that
walk around like this.
It's just not normal behavior.
Yeah.
And he stopped his run for re-election.
I saw that.
Because of this Minneapolis fraud.
Ooh.
So there's something to it.
But he just wants to acknowledge it.
He just wants them to go like, geez, that is crazy.
Holy shit.
But instead it's like, shut it down.
Don't listen to that guy.
Exactly.
I just, just, just stop making me feel crazy.
You're not crazy.
It's real.
It's real.
I mean, maybe Nick Shirley, 90, maybe a hundred percent of it isn't fraudulent
that he uncovered.
Maybe some of it's legit, but there's definitely some fraud involved.
And it's enough that you realize like this is, you're talking about enormous
amounts of money.
And how long has this been going on?
I know.
And also, who's getting paid?
Is anybody getting backdoor deals?
Is there any offshore accounts that other people have access to?
And they're funneling money and no one knows about it?
Well, let's paper trail this shit and get to something.
We don't make any arrests.
Like all the Epstein guys are out there.
In England and Norway, they popped a few guys.
Well, that was what the Doge stuff was all about.
That was the whole purpose for it all.
Yeah.
The whole purpose for the Doge stuff was to try to uncover a lot of this stuff.
And they found fucking tons of it.
Hundreds of billions of dollars in fraud.
And what happened to those guys?
Those guys are getting, you know, they're getting questioned now.
Okay.
And people are, you know, the guys, the Doge guys are like having to give
testimony.
Uh-oh.
They're like, you know, you shut down important government functions.
Right, right.
It's like, well, actually, these fucking things, nothing was getting done.
And these people were making enormous amounts of money.
It's like, did you see that fucking bridge that they're building in California?
I did, the wildlife.
With the mountain lions.
Yeah.
It's over a hundred million dollars.
I know.
And they need more money.
For a fucking bridge.
I know.
Meanwhile, Colorado built one, a similar one, for a fraction of the cost.
I think it was five million.
Yeah.
A fraction of the cost.
Yeah.
And completed it.
Right.
And it's done.
And in California, like, we need more money to save the fox.
Well, there's so many regulations that you can't, there's so much red tape, you
can't get anywhere.
It's a little bit of that, but they're blaming tariffs in the government.
But shut up.
Shut up.
Tariffs.
I doubt that's what it is.
I doubt it's a hundred million dollars and you can't finish it because of
tariffs.
That don't make any sense.
Well, we're still waiting on the bullet train.
That started 25 years ago.
Well, that was billions.
Billions.
Billions.
Still not done.
Billions, nothing.
Meanwhile, Japan is whizzing all over the place at light speed.
Have you ever seen, I think it's in China.
There's one that they debuted, they showed in China.
And it's just whizzing by these people.
And you get to see how fast it is in real time when you're standing next to it.
No.
It's bonkers, dude.
Man.
It's just.
And you just think, the problem with that is, how much track is there?
There's a lot of track.
Yeah.
How many psychos are out there that could just lay something on the track?
Well, that's more American.
They don't do that shit.
They're raised better.
Someone can do it.
They could, but they're Japanese.
They're repressed.
So they get it all out with those trains.
Right?
It's like Nick Shirley.
He's a virgin.
So he's motivated.
Yeah, that's weird, right?
Yeah, that's a little weird, but I'd rather an incel do that shit than, you
know, shoot up a place.
Well, there's a lot of these virgin influencers now.
Yeah.
Nick Fuentes is a virgin, allegedly.
Yeah, weird.
This guy's a virgin.
I don't trust a lot of these virgins.
That feels unnatural.
Don't get laid.
You're young.
It's very unnormal.
Very, very strange.
Very.
It's like Zoran.
I don't trust an Indian who never had a job.
Is he Indian?
Yeah.
Mamdani?
I believe he's Indian.
Is he?
Oh, yeah.
Is that what he is?
I think he's from Africa, but he is Indian.
Yeah, he's from Africa.
But have you never had a job?
Every Indian guy I know is the hardest working dude on the planet.
He's never had a job at all?
No.
I think he's a rapper.
Mamdani's never had a job?
No, I don't believe so.
This is his first gig.
That's crazy.
I know.
Imagine your first gig, you're the mayor of New York City.
On one hand, super impressive.
Very impressive.
First gig.
Way to go.
The sky's the limit for this guy.
I know.
His first job, he's the mayor of New York City.
Yeah, it's like losing your virginity to Heidi Klum.
But I think he won because he said he's not going to Israel.
That was smart.
And affordability.
Yeah.
New York's so expensive.
Well, also, yeah, people are like, we're tired of the rich.
Well, the narrative is the rich people are causing all your problems.
And we need to tax the rich people.
But meanwhile, the rich people in New York are responsible for more than 50% of
the taxes.
Sure.
Well, Hochul just said, please come back.
Did you see that clip?
Good luck.
Yeah.
Good luck.
Good luck.
And I think he seems like a nice guy.
I think he's got good intentions.
But it just, you know, you need some experience and you need money.
Because he keeps saying free, free buses, free health care, free child care.
And you're like, stop saying free.
That should be illegal.
Because someone has to pay for it.
Right.
There's nothing free.
Nothing is free.
You're just adding to the bureaucracy.
You're adding to the government waste.
You're adding to the possibility of fraud.
Yeah.
And meanwhile, you're just releasing people on the streets.
Yeah.
And I think I have a theory that Muslim is cool.
Muslim is like the new black.
It's cool.
Muslim's hip now.
It's different.
It's exotic.
It's fun.
I think the problem is people conflate Muslim and Islamist.
Sure.
And there's two very different things.
I know a lot of Muslims.
They're great people.
Totally.
But Islamists are people that want a global caliphate.
Yes.
You know, they want death to the infidels.
This is the difference between Iran and like Saudi Arabia.
Like Saudi Arabia are Muslims.
The Iranians are Islamists.
Right.
They're state-sponsored terrorism, the whole deal.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, any extreme, you know, like a Hasidic Jew versus Paul Rudd.
Yes.
You know, Paul Rudd's a fun guy.
He has a cocktail.
He has a funny movie.
And then a Hasidic Jew is like, all right, let me cut your foreskin off and
suck the blood.
Right.
Give your herpes.
Or these crazy fucking right-wing radical Christian nationalists that think
that we're supposed
to be over in Israel so that Jesus can come back on a white horse.
Have you seen that?
Oh, no.
Oh, Jamie, pull that story up that I sent you or I could resend it to you if
you want.
Wow.
There's a crazy story that was on Yahoo about this guy who's a non-commissioned
officer that
went to a military debriefing.
So it was like an operation readiness meeting or a war meeting.
And one of these fucking guys, one of these high-level commanders says, don't
be worried
because Trump is anointed by Jesus Christ to bring back the return.
Oh, no.
To bring back Jesus's return on earth.
Commander claimed Trump was anointed by Jesus to cause Armageddon to justify
the Iran tax.
Wow.
See, that's like up there with Allah will protect me.
Exactly.
Same shit.
It's the same shit.
It's just coming from a different religion.
Yeah, yeah.
But it's the same mindset.
Like, look at what he said.
See what he said?
Did you find the actual quote?
He urged us to tell our troops, this is all part of God's divine plan,
specifically referenced
numerous citations out of the book of Revelations referring to Armageddon and
the imminent return
of Jesus Christ.
Aye, aye, aye.
And he said, added, the superior had a big grin on his face when he said all of
this, which
made his message seem even more crazy.
Wow.
Bro.
That's scary shit.
That's just as scary.
Those are just as scary as suicide bombers.
It's like people that are like true believers in something that, you know,
objectively sounds
a lot like nonsense.
I would say there's less blowing up shit with the extreme Christian guy.
Sure, because they won.
Go back to the Inquisition.
Oh, okay.
And they were fucking torturing people.
That's a good point.
You know, people for, you know, for God's word or for, you know, for God's
service and service
of God have done some wild shit.
Oh, yeah.
But it's just people.
You know, it's just people, when they get into positions of radical belief,
they just,
they go nutty.
Yeah, it's like a cult.
The cult is just a microcosm of a full religion.
Exactly.
You know, it's just some crazy guy who's like, I'm going to fuck all of you and
then we'll
drink Kool-Aid.
I used to do a joke about it where I said, a cult is a thing where a guy
creates it
and that guy knows it's bullshit.
In a religion, that guy's dead.
Wait a minute.
Yeah.
Oh, I see.
In a religion, the guy who created it is dead.
Oh, right, right.
So it's like everybody just believes.
Yeah.
But if, in a cult, you know, like David Koresh or, you know, fill in the blank,
the Moonies,
whatever it is.
Yeah, the Kool-Aid guy.
Some guy created it and he knew it's bullshit.
Yeah.
Scientology.
That guy is a science fiction author.
Completely.
L. Ron Hubbard.
But now he's dead.
So it's a religion.
Ah.
And they have tax-free, exempt status.
That's good.
They're exempt from taxes.
Is that right?
Scientology.
No.
Yes.
That's how they can afford all that real estate in L.A.
Oh, they have so much real estate.
Crazy buildings.
Yeah.
Right in downtown.
And that's the nuttiest thing about L. Ron Hubbard.
It's like, he was one of the worst authors of all time.
Oh, he stinks.
Terrible.
And he's a weird looking dude.
I think he beat his wife.
Did he?
Oh, yeah.
You can say that because he's dead.
I watched a little documentary on him.
He's a troubled individual.
Well, he was definitely troubled, which is why he came up with Dianetics in the
first place.
Right.
He was trying to self-diagnose.
He was trying to fix his own brain.
But it also shows how sad and sheep-like people are because we're like, we need
something.
I need something to believe in, something to go for.
I'll support you.
I'm alone.
He was so lost that anybody who comes along that confidently claims they have
the answer, people just follow.
Yep.
Every time.
Very odd.
Very odd.
It's like, I think it's programmed into us just like from the time that we were
in tribes and, you know, we had to count on the chief to be correct.
Right.
You know what I mean?
But I'm sure you got some psychos who are up your ass.
Who believe everything I say?
Yeah, because you're so big.
You got such a big umbrella.
Yeah, but I'm very clear that I don't know what I'm talking about.
That's the key.
And if I do, it's like very specific things.
So I'm like, I can tell you for sure that this is a fact.
Right.
You know, because, you know, I'm an expert in a few things.
But other things, I'm like, you know, don't listen to me.
Yeah.
But this is what I think.
Well, you're one of the few guys who will go, oh, you know what I said last
week?
I was wrong about that.
You have to.
Nobody does that.
You got it.
Well, because they're all they all just want to be right all the time.
Yes.
And they all they all connect their identity with being correct about whether
it's COVID.
Right.
Like COVID ruined a lot of people's credibility.
100%.
Because they were all in on the vaccine, all in on this, all in on the lockdowns,
all in on the masks.
Yeah.
And once it was revealed that all that stuff was bullshit, the vaccine didn't
really prevent infection, didn't really.
And those people just never came out and said, you know what, I was wrong.
I know.
And that would go so far, but nobody will do it.
And and then the right and the left, they both just want their side to win.
So they're like, just exactly.
It's like when the ball goes out of bounds on your team, you're like, I didn't
see shit.
Exactly.
And then the other team's like, what are you crazy?
We got video footage.
Yeah.
It's cheating.
It's cheating.
You're cheating in the game of discourse.
Right.
Right.
The game of discourse is you're supposed to say what you really think.
And then when you think something differently, you say, OK, I was wrong.
Yes.
You have to be able to say, I was misinformed.
I thought it was this, but it's actually that.
Yeah.
That's why those videos are so fun when they go to a college campus.
They're like, can you believe what this Trump said this?
And they go, that's racist.
He's a piece of shit.
And they go, actually, that was Biden.
And then they go, oh, well, what are you going to do?
I got class in a minute.
I got to go.
You don't vote for me.
You ain't black.
Yeah.
Remember that?
He's got a couple N-words, too, out there, by the way.
Does he?
Oh, yeah.
Pull it up.
Biden had a few.
Well, I remember when he called African-Americans super criminals, right?
Whoa.
Super predators.
That was during the 1994 crime bill, which is he was really responsible for a
lot of that.
The 94 crime bill, and people forget about that.
During the Clinton administration, Clinton was a great president in terms of
what he did.
Balanced the budget.
Great.
Got ahead in the office, but let it go.
Oral office.
Let it go.
Let it go.
But other than that, he did a lot of things that were really good.
But one of the things that he did that wasn't really good was the 94 crime bill.
So many people wind up going to jail for the rest of their lives.
That's true.
They ruined so many families, so many lives lost.
Yeah.
People that could have turned their life around, never got a chance, locked up
forever.
Yeah, and deported a lot of people, too.
Oh, yeah.
Not as much as Biden.
Oh, excuse me.
Not as much as Obama.
Well, yeah.
He was the king of that.
Not only did Obama deport more people than Trump, they arrested more Americans
accidentally.
Really?
Than Trump.
Yeah, the percentage of Americans arrested was higher, and also the deaths were
higher.
Also, he had two terms.
True.
So you got to think about that.
True, yeah.
But nobody got shot in the street.
What do you mean?
Like, his ICE didn't shoot anybody that I know of.
No, they did.
Oh, come on.
They did kill people.
Yeah, they killed people.
Civilians?
I don't know if it was civilians or if it was actual illegals that they were
trying to deport,
but there was definitely a bunch of people that were killed.
I want to say it was somewhere in the range of 30.
30?
Yeah.
Well, no social media back then, either.
Right.
That's big.
Big.
That changed everything.
They could cover up everything back then.
But wouldn't you like to talk to Obama and go, ah, come on, that was crazy,
right?
Well, Maren talked to Obama, and he just kind of softballed him.
You know, he just was like, he let Obama just kind of talk.
He did it recently.
He did it twice, and both times it was kind of the same thing.
But he is an icon, and he was a good president, and he seems like a cool guy.
He was a very good statesman.
Yes.
Like, the way he talked was great, but he also said he was going to protect
whistleblowers,
and he went back on all that.
They even removed that part of the Hope and Change website.
Whoa.
His Hope and Change website when he was running for president was all about
removing whistleblowers.
So, what does it say here?
No documented cases of ICE agents directly killing anyone.
There you go.
Such as through shootings or excessive force during Obama's presidency.
However, 56 individuals died in ICE custody over that period.
Well, he did the cages.
Okay.
So, that's how they died.
So, it wasn't shootings, primarily for medical issues.
Like, they had lead poisoning from bullets.
What?
Inadequate care.
Or, whoops, he hung himself in a two-foot cell.
Ah.
With reports highlighting substandard medical treatment contributing to at
least eight cases
between 2010 and 2012.
Most custody deaths under Obama were attributed to natural causes, heart
disease.
Well, you definitely, you're dealing with a lot of people that snuck in.
Mmm.
Not suicides, hanging, or violence by agents.
Uh-huh.
Interesting.
Interesting.
And what's up with that wife dick?
Ah.
Just a little levity, folks.
I wish that was true.
I know.
It's just a goof.
It'll be so fun.
Just a goof.
I think the French one's true.
The chef?
No.
Candace Owens, when she was saying that Macron's wife is a man.
Come on.
Yeah.
No way.
Yeah.
I don't think so.
I don't, I might be wrong.
I mean, she's a little, uh.
Something's odd.
She's odd.
She's a little transy.
Yeah.
But, I don't think.
You ever see the way she sits?
Pull it up?
I have not.
She sits like a dude.
No.
What, man's bread?
Yeah, man's bread.
Is that right?
Odd alignment of the hips.
Interesting.
Seems very masculine.
You know, that's why men sit like that.
It's not because we're dicks.
It's like your legs go out like that.
Yeah.
Whereas women's legs go inward.
Sure.
Because they have birthing hips, and the angle is different.
Oh, I thought it was the ball bag.
Nah.
Just a little bit of it.
You're airing it out a little bit, whereas a woman has a clam, so there's no
resistance.
Well, that's why you don't trust guys who sit like Ari.
With that leg over the top, that cross-legged thing.
Yeah, and ironically, he's got a huge bag.
He's got a big bag and a big cock.
Crazy shoe hog on that guy.
Little baby arm.
Yeah.
Big old fucking sack.
He's doing good.
He's doing good down there.
Watch how she sits.
Boom.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, wow.
That's how a dude sits.
That was a manly sit.
Even the walk.
I know.
Even the stature, the skeletal frame, everything.
Looks like John Denver.
It looks like a guy with tits.
Right?
Boom.
Look how it sits.
But that's not the weirdest thing.
Come on.
The weirdest thing that everybody accepts, the fact that they started their
relationship
when she, air quotes, was 40, and he was like 14 or 15.
That's crazy.
That's crazy.
If that was reverse guy to girl, that would be a headline.
Exactly.
Big time.
But it's French.
It's in France.
True.
So they're like, oh, we're different in France.
They're sexual people.
They didn't fuck with me too in France.
They were like, no, no.
We like being...
Because they would take the whole country down.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
Men and women.
Look, that's a woman, supposedly.
Italy, too.
Take her down.
Take them all down.
Italy's like, we hit the ladies and we catcall.
That's our thing.
Oh, they're animals.
Oh, yeah.
I was in Rome with my kids in a taxi.
It was just me and my kids.
And this fucking driver of the taxi stopped the car in the middle of an
intersection
to catcall some lady.
No way.
Who had a big ass, who was walking across the street.
He was like, monimonia, monimia, look at that ass.
And he just kept driving.
I was like, these people are animals.
It's kind of charming with that voice, though.
It is, but you've got to realize, like, if you're in Rome, these are the
descendants of
the people that were there when the Colosseum was running.
Sure.
These are the people that were there when the fucking Roman games, when Rome
was conquering
the world.
Of course, they're savages.
Right, right.
Of course.
They're the descendants of savage.
Direct descendants of some of the most savage people that ever walked the face
of the earth.
Yeah, those gladiators and shit.
The Roman Empire.
They fought lions.
They took over everything.
Right.
And then they got the Vatican right there, which is a weird fucking country
that's in the middle
of their city.
I think that's good balance.
They got crazy shit with the orgies, the wine, and then the gay stuff, and then
they
got the Vatican.
To me, that's kind of healthy.
Jesus gives you a free pass.
You just got to say you're sorry.
Right.
He's got to confess.
Best loophole of all time was that confession bullshit.
I think they did that just to get information on people in the town, find out
what they
were doing.
That's true.
Like, hey, God says it's okay.
You still go to heaven.
You got to tell the priest.
And the priest, like, immediately went and told the mayor.
Oh.
Yeah.
Informing.
100%.
Never thought of it that way.
Of course.
How else would you get people to tell all the dirty shit that they're doing,
all the crime
they're committing?
Oh, God.
That's the way you get them.
I went to Catholic school.
I told those fuckers everything.
Did you?
I was in the box going, I jerked off to my aunt.
She's got huge tits.
I really went off in there.
It was like a podcast.
I never got to sit in one.
I went to Catholic school only for one year, but I was first grade.
Did you make it out?
Oh, I made it out, and I was like, I'm never going back again.
It queered me off of religion forever.
That's a weird term to go with.
This is not real.
Of course.
This lady, I don't remember anybody's name from the time when I was six, but
Sister Mary
Josephine, I'll remember that cunt until the day I died.
Oh, yeah.
She was so mean, and I was so confused, because I had only been with my mom and
my dad and my
grandparents, who were all nice to me.
Yes.
I had never been around anybody mean to me.
Right.
And then all of a sudden, I'm around this vicious bitch who's supposed to be
like the
person of God.
Exactly.
But they would rap your knuckles.
I think they were all repressed or something.
Oh, 100%.
They needed some vitamin D.
Yeah, get that dick.
They didn't get no dick.
That's a crazy rule, too.
You can't fuck.
And you know why they came up with that rule?
No.
Because all the priests were fucking everybody, because they were the rock
stars.
Whoa.
They were the guy who talks to Jesus.
He's the guy on stage.
Yeah.
The guy on stage, and he's just fucking them all.
And then they decided, hey, you can't fuck if you want to be a priest.
But then they went to kids.
Of course.
That's what happens.
You're only going to get gay guys or pedophiles who are interested in that.
The gay guys fuck each other.
The pedophiles try to get the kids.
Right.
Because you get isolated time with the kids.
Right.
Like teachers.
Like how many teachers get caught?
One of my kids' schools, they just busted a guy.
Get the fuck out of here.
Back in Calabasas.
Whoa.
Viewpoint.
My kid went and took this guy's classes for, I think, two or three years.
What?
Yep.
He was taking upskirts photos.
Whoa.
Inappropriate photos.
Was jerking off to him.
Admitted that the photos made his heart race.
Whoa.
Full-on pedophile.
Was a part of this, like, very nice private school.
Yeah.
For, I think he was there for six or seven years.
Did you meet him?
I must have.
Oh, my lord.
I must have.
You shook this guy's hand.
I must have.
He was my kid's teacher.
I must have met him.
I don't remember him.
You got daughters.
Uh-huh.
Oh, mama.
Luckily, nothing happened to them, but they remember he talked too much.
Ah, interesting.
My daughter said he just kept, he just wouldn't shut the fuck up.
He talked too much.
He's spitting game.
But what about these Florida whores who keep banging the students?
There's something, there's like an epidemic going on.
Give them a pass.
I mean, look, I'm not knocking it, but...
That's different.
I think that beats priests now.
It's only okay if they're hot.
Sure, but some of them are like, damn, I'd fuck her.
Exactly.
Those are okay.
I don't know about okay.
But if it's some big troll-looking lady with no neck, her chin starts at her,
her neck goes
straight down to her chest, some Jabba the Hutt-looking beast, you'd be like,
you monster.
What'd you do to that boy?
Yeah.
But if it's some blonde lady with big tits and glassy eyes, like, she's
probably on SSRIs.
Didn't know what she was doing.
Sure.
And maybe, like, the husband can't get it up.
And this is a virile 14-year-old basketball player or something.
How about that lady who was a mayor?
She was a mayor at some town in, like, Louisiana.
And she was fucking some 16-year-old.
That was crazy.
And they show the husband all over the news.
I'm like, this poor fucking guy.
What a cuck.
Poor fucking guy.
Man.
Her fucking wife is getting banged by a high school basketball player.
And she was pretty.
She was not.
Very pretty.
Kind of milfy.
Kind of milfy, for sure.
But that's the thing.
I have a bit about it.
They never show the kid.
I want to see that kid.
What's he?
Is he some kind of young stud?
Yeah, a lot of them are.
Okay.
You just can't see them because it's inappropriate.
Sure.
Underage, and they're victims.
Of course.
You ever hear of Zach Galifianakis' joke?
Die to high-fiving?
Yes.
That's a great joke.
Great joke.
He was a great joke writer.
Oh, he's a great comic.
Great comic.
Live from the...
Purple Onion.
Purple Onion.
Yes.
Great fucking special.
Great special.
He had that thing where you'd get fake angry and play the piano.
He's a good dude, too.
Good guy.
He's a really good dude.
Like, every time I've had interactions with him, I'm like, this is a...
He's, like, not Hollywood at all.
No, no.
He's a South Carolina guy.
Bought a farm.
Lives on a farm now.
Yeah.
I mean, he barely works.
Yeah.
He just kind of lives his life.
I mean, he's kind of a phenom.
His stand-up was good.
And then he just, like...
You know, Todd Phillips fought for him in The Hangover.
They're like, we don't know this fucking guy.
He's a nobody.
And he's like, I'm telling you, this guy's good.
And he stole the movie.
Stole the movie.
Yeah.
No, he's a great comic.
And that Between Two Ferns thing.
Oh, it's brilliant.
Amazing.
Brilliant.
No, he's great, man.
Yeah, he just gets you on.
He got Seinfeld on.
He's trashing him.
He's trashing Paul Rudd.
He's got, like, all these...
That's great.
He was a great friend to Brody, too.
Yes.
When Brody was going through one of his moments where he got off medication and
he got a little
crazy, and we started noticing it at the store.
Like, instead of being funny, he was on stage, he would actually get angry.
It was, like, really weird.
And he came back.
But there was a while where he was, like, really lost it.
And Zach reached out, and he's like, don't interact with him.
We're trying to get him treatment.
We're trying to get him back on his meds.
Like, he went off his meds.
I love it.
He's a good dude.
Good dude.
Solid dude.
There's a video on YouTube.
They're out there.
Yeah, they're out there.
Solid people are out there.
He's a normal guy.
And you could tell these...
I feel like Hollywood is like COVID, where it fucks your brain up eventually.
And he got out and moved to a farm.
Yeah.
So that's how you know he's sane.
But there's people that are in Hollywood that stay solid.
Like, when I had Matt Damon and Ben Affleck on, I was like, I'd be friends with
these
guys.
Yeah, I listened to that one.
They're normal, off the mic, on the mic.
They're cool.
They're cool over there in the lobby?
Yeah, they're regular.
They talk to everybody.
Like, I've met Matt Damon a few times.
I actually ran into him in Italy.
It was really crazy.
In a restaurant where he was sitting below a photo of him.
Oh, weird.
Because there's photos of all these celebrities that come and eat at this place.
Yeah.
And he was one of them.
And he was there.
And he was sitting there.
And then I had met him before.
So I go, hey, Matt.
He's like, oh, what's up?
But he's cool.
He's normal.
He's like a regular guy.
Well, he hit the lottery with that script.
I know, right?
Yeah.
And they're both good looking.
They're nice.
They're cool.
They're smart.
Ben Affleck is underrated intelligence.
Really?
Like when he was talking about AI and what AI is actually promising versus what
they're actually
capable of.
What they're really trying to do is increase their market cap and get more
money invested.
I'm like, oh.
Clever.
Clever.
And I think he signed some deal with them for millions and changed the game
with Netflix.
Big time.
Big time.
Yeah.
It's a fucking giant deal.
Big deal.
It worked up to $600 million, they said.
Was that for the rip?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
He sold an AI company.
Oh.
That's why he knows so much about it.
Oh, that makes sense.
He kind of broke it down on here.
And then like two weeks later, he sold it.
That makes sense.
He's ahead of the curve, that guy.
Yeah.
Both of those guys are good.
And they've stayed friends forever.
And banging J-Lo for that many years has got to...
He gave it his best.
I mean...
Try to tame that horse.
She sucks.
She's quite a Clydesdale.
Oh, I bet she's so fun, though.
Yeah, but I think she's a malignant narcissist.
Duh.
But, by the way, that's the only way you stay that hot when you're 80 years old.
Smoke show.
She's a smoke show.
Yeah, that rump is award-winning.
She could completely be a granny.
I know.
And she looks fucking amazing.
I want to put a blue ribbon on that, heinie.
You've got to be a narcissist to keep that up.
I guess so.
I mean, the skin.
Her skin's perfect.
Everything.
And it doesn't look crazy, like filler.
Nutty.
It just looks like pure.
Yeah.
Like she's just not aging.
I know.
Nuts.
It's at the Puerto Rican blood, I guess.
And maybe it's that.
It's good genetics, for sure.
But it's also just upkeep and care and being aware of what you look like and
taking care of yourself.
Right.
Like I saw one of those Instagram things where they showed people from like the
80s how old they were.
Yes.
I've seen that.
Like Archie Bunker.
Yeah.
Archie Bunker, when he was playing Archie Bunker, when Ed O'Connell was playing
Gardner.
He's 10 years younger than me.
Carol O'Connor.
Carol O'Connor.
Yeah.
That's right.
He was 10 years younger than me now.
Whoa.
Right?
I think they did a Cocoon one with Paul Rudd and Ed Brimley.
Yes.
Same age.
He was like 48.
48!
You know, Mrs. Robinson was 39.
What?
39 and The Graduate.
And she's like the old bag.
That's crazy.
39!
Now they got 39-year-olds walking on 6th Street who look like, you know, Cindy
Crawford.
Right.
They're hot.
I gotta update my hot women.
Megan Fox.
There you go.
I'm stuck in the 90s.
Yeah.
It's odd, man.
Yeah.
Oh.
Look at that.
She looked 39.
I guess so.
Like 39 in the 80s.
That's Mel Brooks' wife, you know.
Yeah, that's what 39 looks like.
That looks like 60 now.
I think she's pretty sexy.
Not bad.
Look at that.
Ooh.
Not bad.
Especially for someone who never went to the gym.
Yeah.
Like the 80s, they didn't do nothing back then.
They walked.
Well, and the dudes, too, could be completely no definition and still be like a
leading man.
Right.
The only one who was like really ripped back then was Charles Bronson.
Well, yeah.
That motherfucker.
Action star.
Yeah, but he was.
I mean, even before he was an action star, like that guy was just fit.
Fit.
Like wiry.
You know when he did Hard Times, that movie?
Yeah.
He was 50.
No.
Yes.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's impressive.
Shredded.
Well, all these.
No TRT.
Liam Neeson's old and taken.
I was looking this up.
The Golden Girls were all playing like 10 years younger than what they were.
Wow.
Nuts.
That's nuts.
Wow.
That's nuts.
Oh, 53.
They were playing 79.
She was 62.
She was playing 53, but she was 63.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
That was a great show.
She was playing 53 and she was 52.
The one lady.
That's crazy.
Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan, Betty White.
And is Betty White still alive?
Nah, she kicked it.
How old was she?
I don't know, but Keith Richards beat her.
That guy.
That.
How?
He's like J-Lo.
He's the male J-Lo.
I saw the Stones at Circuit of the Americas a couple years ago.
Fucking incredible.
Yeah.
He still shreds.
I know.
Both of them.
Jagger's out there.
Just dancing around.
Yeah.
Jagger's not like standing still.
No.
Have you ever seen, it was one of those old guys who was in Vegas, like one of
them guys
from like the fucking 60s.
Like a Wayne Newton type.
Yeah.
What is his name?
Frankie Valli.
Frankie Valli.
Oh, Valli.
Bro, it's like all lip syncing and he can't move his lips anymore.
Yeah, I believe it.
And he looks like a statue.
Mm-hmm.
It's odd.
That is odd.
Yeah, those guys.
Meanwhile, Mick Jagger's buttin' your lips, baby.
Dancing, moving around.
I know.
And they did a 90-minute show.
Wow.
Crankin' it.
He's gotta be on peptides or something.
Look at this guy.
Oh, this guy's dead in the water.
Let me hear some of this.
This is like Mitch McConnell.
I mean, he's just stiff.
But he's like a board.
Yeah.
You got any volume on this bitch?
Poor bastard.
Here we go.
Someone talking about it.
Oh.
Well, hats off to still go out there.
Probably has to.
He's got debt.
Have you seen Barry Manilow?
No.
Ooh.
Rough?
Weird.
Really?
Go to Barry Manilow's Instagram.
He sings, but he's got, like, filler, and it looks like his chin's disappearing.
Ooh.
And I don't know how old he is.
Yeah.
But he's not that old.
Like, look at this.
Oh, they start to look trans.
God, this is weird.
It's like an animatronic at Chuck E. Cheese.
Right?
That's what it's like.
But that's not even a weird one.
Go to his, the one on the far right.
Right there.
Click on that one.
Listen to him talk.
He's like Kermit the Frog.
Look at his hair.
That's all fake.
Is there any chance?
How much would you bet that that's a wig?
Everything I own.
It's all fake.
Everything's fake.
Everything.
But the face is like, guy, let yourself.
Just age.
Don't do the filler in the boat.
Now, this is when he was younger.
Yeah, he's a handsome guy.
So this is, this looks good.
This looks legit.
I mean, it just, when they start pumping stuff into their cheeks, it's just
like, look,
you got stung by bees.
It's just weird.
Yeah, it's weird.
It's a weird look.
We all know.
Just, what do you do?
It looks weirder.
It's worse.
It's just age.
I know.
We like age.
With women, it gets really strange.
Because there's a thing that bodybuilders get and anorexics get, body dysmorphia.
Well, you can't see yourself the way other people see you.
Right.
So you don't realize that it's weird that your cheeks are that big.
Yeah.
Is that what it is?
Oh, yeah.
Well, you know when you're drawing something and you're painting and you're
like, all right,
it's done.
I'll add a little more.
I'll add a little more.
And then before you know it, you ruined it.
Well, you get obsessed with the little minutiae and you're just focusing on
weird parts of
your face.
Yes.
Maybe you got a weird little smile line right here and you don't like it.
You're like, fill it in.
Yes.
It swells up.
You're like, good.
Yeah.
And they get used to it.
We see them after eight months and you're like, good God.
Yeah.
But they're just gradual.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So they don't realize how crazy.
Didn't Ryan Gosling, aren't people accusing him of getting a bunch of stuff in
his face now
too?
Like, there was some photos of him on a red carpet.
It looked real weird.
I get the hair implants.
I get it.
Do that all day.
But as a dude, you can age.
We're all right.
We're like Jason Statham and all these guys.
They look fine.
Yeah.
Let it go.
Let it go.
Don't do the filler thing.
It's just, you're changing the shape of your face.
It's also, there's a ratio, the golden ratio of your face.
When you do something weird to your face, it throws people off.
The width of your face and the closeness of your eyes, the size of your nose,
all of it
fits within a certain ratio.
Yeah.
And when that ratio's off, like when you have a really thin face but a small
nose, everybody's
like, hey.
Yes.
Where's that Ari nose?
Right.
I need to see that big old beak that makes sense with this shape.
We like it.
I mean, look at Jennifer Grey.
She cut her nose off.
Lost her career.
Lost her career.
She was a cute, you know, little...
She was cute.
...Juberon.
Yeah.
She had a big nose.
Like, so what?
She was beautiful.
Beautiful.
You don't have to, like, be perfect.
No.
Perfect ain't the way to go.
Look at Bill Murray.
That guy looks like an old fart.
Yeah.
I mean, he looks crazy, but it's Bill Murray.
He's a cool guy.
I love Bill.
He's my childhood hero.
I really enjoyed talking to him.
Oh, yeah.
You had Bill on.
He was a good one.
That must have been pretty nerve-wracking for you, huh?
No.
No, it was cool.
He was real easy.
It wasn't nerve-wracking.
He was a little, like, nuts when you first meet him.
But he had no idea who I was.
Whoa.
He doesn't watch podcasts.
Really?
Yeah, he had heard of me.
He's like, you're Joe?
I'm like, yeah.
Like, it wasn't bullshitting like some Hollywood people do.
I'm sorry, your name is?
Right.
You know, some people...
He wasn't doing that.
He's not online.
Doesn't have a phone.
He said he had to get a phone to talk to his kids.
Whoa.
That's it.
Yeah.
Man.
You know what else doesn't have a phone?
Woody.
Woody Harrelson.
Really?
You got to get a hold of him, you got to get through his wife.
Damn.
Sucks with a wife, though.
He's happy.
He's like, leave me out of everything.
Yeah.
You can't get a hold of him through email.
Leave me out of it.
He seems interesting.
I remember that SNL he did?
He's great.
Where he just outed COVID shit?
Yeah.
That was interesting.
Yeah.
He's great.
I saw him, I killed Tony once.
He hangs out at the club all the time.
Really?
Yeah.
He's in the green room all the time.
But he, like, hangs out normal.
Like, talks to everybody.
Doesn't big time anybody.
Like, he's talking to door guys.
He's talking to fucking everybody.
Normal.
Damn.
Yeah.
He's cool.
Cool dude.
I mean, White Man Can't Jump is one of my favorites.
He's awesome.
He's just, he's real.
Like, that guy's a real, I've hung out with him multiple times now.
I really enjoy talking to him.
There's a few of those guys.
They make it through and they're still cool.
But one thing that a lot of them have in common is they stay out of, like,
social media.
They stay offline.
They just live.
They just live.
Yeah.
Well, how is...
Also, he's in the cloud.
You meaning...
He's a pothead.
All day.
Oh, yeah.
He's like those rappers, they call it living in the cloud.
I've never heard that.
They're never not high.
Like a little Wayne or something.
It is high all day.
Constantly high.
I don't know how they do that shit.
I don't know how they do that shit either.
Like, those people just wake and bake and then go out and do stuff and then
they just keep smoking.
I mean, there's comics in the green room in New York who'll just smoke weed for,
like, three hours and then go on and do another set and they hang out.
I'm like, if I smoked weed for three hours, I'd be crying in a fetal position.
It's insane.
Yeah, I wouldn't be getting anything done.
No.
You'd be so locked in your own head thinking about the world.
But I think people's mental chemistry is different.
For some people, I think weed is, like, a legitimate medicine.
It keeps them together.
Yeah.
And they're not hurting anybody.
No.
Why is it okay to be on SSRIs and Oxycontin, but it's not okay to just live in
the cloud?
That's a good point.
They're medicating in a little bit.
100%.
I mean, that's what I was doing with alcohol as a teenager.
I was so anxious and nervous and I wanted to fit in.
I would just drink for, like, social lube.
Most teenagers are doing that for that same reason.
They want to be able to go to a party and relax.
Yeah.
And not feel like everybody hates them or isolated or weird or who's judging me.
Just wee!
Yeah.
Like, my nephew, he's 16, never drank, and he's a virgin.
He's got no friends.
He plays video games all day.
And he gives me shit for drinking.
He's like, it's so unhealthy.
But I'm like, this is unhealthy.
You're just, you got no friends.
You never fingered a girl.
You don't go to parties.
Nothing.
It's weird that there's a lot of kids doing that now.
85% alcohol sales are 85% down with Gen Z.
What?
85%.
Is that real?
And I just started a liquor.
Yeah.
So I'm fucked.
But, yeah, it's weird.
I'm like, how do you cut loose?
I think they're all scared of being cringed.
They're all scared of being filmed.
We were so lucky we could just get after it, fuck up, drive drunk.
You think that's it?
I think that's part of it.
Somebody told me that kids don't dance at dances anymore because they're too
scared of
being, go viral.
You know, look at this white guy dancing like an idiot.
Cringe, hashtag.
I think that's part of it.
People are just so happy to catch people doing something and ruining their
whole life.
That gotcha culture.
It's horrible.
It's horrible.
And the type of people that want to do that, they should be shamed.
Yes.
That is a horrible behavior.
Thousand percent agree.
That's where we're at.
I mean, people scan videos just to be like, gotcha.
Well, you said this.
You said that.
They go through your old tweets, whatever it is.
But we need to flip it and make those guys get in trouble.
100%.
It's like when someone has a false rape accusation.
How come they don't go to jail?
You almost made a person go to jail.
Right.
And it turns out that they didn't do anything.
And then you just skate?
Yeah.
That's insane.
They were going to go to jail.
Forever.
Forever for nothing.
For nothing.
That's crazy.
For something you made up.
Yeah.
And then you just skate because you're a woman.
I know.
That's insane.
Or you're a guy.
Sure.
There's guys that had fake rape accusations against other men.
Right.
It's nuts.
I know.
It's a bummer.
But I guess it's human nature.
It's powerful.
I don't know.
I know.
But we should punish the people that make fake claims.
I agree.
That's crazy.
They should have to do half the time of the sentence.
Like think about the Amber Heard Johnny Depp thing.
Yeah.
Like he gets exonerated at the end of it.
Everybody kind of sees her talk and they go, oh, she made up a bunch of shit.
He's okay.
Right.
But meanwhile, what happened to her?
Nothing.
Well, she was humiliated, but yeah, she lost the money, I guess.
But when you falsely accuse someone of crimes.
Beating her.
Like beating you.
She got a makeup lady to put shit on her.
He could have gone to jail for 10, 15, 25 years.
That's cruel.
That's unusual.
Crazy.
That's psychopath.
And tried to ruin his life.
Like that's what, you know, Jordan Peterson talks about that, that women are,
they're experts
in reputation destruction.
That's what they like to do.
And that's what she was trying to do with him.
Well, they can't fight.
Right.
So that's kind of their way, I guess.
You know when they kill people, you know how they do it for the most part?
Antifreeze and the oatmeal?
Poison.
Yeah.
They get it slow over time.
I was reading about this lady who wrote a book about helping her children get
over grief.
And she sold this book because her husband died.
And then they just arrested her for poisoning her husband.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, she killed him.
It was in 2022.
At least they got her.
How'd they find out?
She was like, crocodile tears.
It was so hard for me to lose my beloved Steve or whatever the fuck his name
was.
What did you see?
The Rebel Wilson thing?
No.
What did she do?
Oh, J-Mo.
She accused a guy of sex trafficking.
And she accused Sacha Baron Cohen of telling her to grab, to finger his asshole.
What?
When meanwhile, what he really said, it's on camera.
Like she was supposed to grab his ass in a scene.
And he said, you know, you stuck your finger right up my arse.
Like, take it easy.
And she said, he told me to finger his asshole.
Whoa.
Something along those lines.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Why would he say that?
Well, he is Sacha Baron Cohen.
Sure, sure.
That is Borat.
He says, so what did she accuse someone of?
She accused a guy of being a sex trafficker, I believe, with children.
And they caught her on a hot mic or somebody on a hot mic saying their plan.
They like spelled it out.
And so she's in hot water.
Well, she should be going to jail.
Sure.
Like that, you can ruin someone's entire life.
Rebel Wilson versus the Deb.
What's the Deb?
That was a movie.
Oh, okay.
Four lawsuits explode as leaked audio alleges smear campaign against producer.
Well, she was another lady that used to be really big.
And then she got kind of hot.
She slimmed down a little bit.
So what did they actually catch her?
Um, okay, what it says, the producers, so what it says, she alleged this, page
six reported
that the dispute intensified after leaked audio raised questions about an
alleged smear effort
linked to a crisis PR team working on her behalf.
Wilson used social media to accuse billionaire Sir Len Blavatnik of funding
both the film
and the legal actions against her.
Days back to 2024, Wilson accused the film's producer, including songwriter
Amanda Ghost,
of inappropriate behavior towards the lead, played by Charlotte McInnes.
She also accused them of embezzling funds from the film's budget,
engaging in retaliatory behavior after she raised concerns and trying to block
the film's premiere
at the Toronto Film Festival.
Yikes.
Producers later filed a defamation suit against Wilson in Los Angeles.
Wilson then filed a countersuit that expanded on her sexual harassment and embezzlement
allegations.
McInnes, McInnes, is it McInnes?
Yeah.
McInnes publicly denied Wilson's claim that Ghost had sexually harassed her and
then filed her own defamation
defamation suit against Wilson in Australia.
Wow.
So the lady she was saying was being sexually harassed, filed a defamation suit
against her.
Another twist.
This is when it gets good.
Hollywood Reporter published leaked audio that allegedly captures members of
Wilson's team
discussing fake websites that would paint Ghost as a sex-trafficking madam.
Wow.
In the recording, one person can be heard saying,
we can't just do that, like, oh, she's a bitch, she sucks.
It's like, it's got to be really, really heavy and connected to something that
heavy.
Woo.
Wow.
Wee.
Go to jail.
Yeah.
Go to jail.
If canceling works, you can use it, you can weaponize it.
She addressed the, Wilson addressed the controversy in a series of Instagram
stories.
She says, I was going to wait to take the stand, but the absolute bombardment
on me as
a person via heavily paid crisis PR firms recently has taken its toll and it's
impossible to say
nothing, she wrote.
She also said, everyone who knows me knows I a true rebel.
Oh, she's a rebel because her name's Rebel.
I say it how it is.
Oh, wow.
Another post added, I am pretty strong, in all caps, and when push comes to
shove, I'm
going to get on the stand and tell it like it is.
Holy fuck, these people are fucking crazy.
Scary stuff.
There's so many of these people that are just, not just narcissists, but sociopaths
at the
same time.
Right, right.
Narcissist and sociopath and then recently hot.
So it's like new powers.
Exactly, new powers.
New hot powers.
You know who I'm loving, though, is this Doja Cat.
What about her?
So she's some pop star who I don't even know, I'm an old boomer queef, but she
went after
Timothee Chalamet when he made fun of ballet.
Did you see that whole thing?
Oh, and then she said she was just virtue signaling.
Yes, which I commend her.
I'm like, she apologized.
She goes, I was just trying to get clicks.
I'm sorry.
That's hilarious.
That's great that she backtracked and she came clean.
I love that.
It is funny that she just admitted it.
She's probably high.
She's probably high, like, what am I doing?
Either way, I'm on board.
We need more of that.
We need more people going, ah, fuck, I was high.
You know, Louis C.K. said this about social media stuff.
He goes, it's just talk, but the problem is it's written down.
Like, people say things all the time that aren't right.
They shouldn't have said it.
But when it's written down, it's like, oh, it's documented.
Yeah.
You know, and then everyone can read it forever.
He goes, but it's just talk.
It's just talk that you could read.
That's true.
It is true.
And it's in stone forever.
Right, forever.
On the internet.
And people are never going to forget it.
You could say something retarded at a party when you're drunk and then call
your buddy the
next morning, bro, I don't know what the fuck I was saying.
I'm sorry.
But if it's written on Twitter, they'll never let you forget it.
Again, why kids can't fuck around.
They can't cut loose because they'll get written about.
They must be so paranoid.
I feel bad for them.
They can't enjoy youth.
Youth is when you do stupid shit.
And when kids do get shamed, like, it will, like, if something happens to you
in high school.
Oh, it's traumatizing.
It's traumatizing.
And you can go back to high school.
I remember going back to high school, like, years later, like, driving by, and
I would
get nervous.
Yes.
Yeah, the pit.
Yeah.
The same feeling that you got when you were going to school there.
Like.
Totally.
And I didn't have a horrible high school.
No, me neither.
But still.
Still, yeah.
Now, imagine if I did.
Imagine if something terrible went down in high school.
And I was there.
Like, oh, my God.
Well, you see these poor girls who get bullied for being fat, then they become
anorexic
or whatever.
It goes all kinds of different ways.
Guys who got beat up.
I got bullied pretty bad in school.
Yeah.
And that can fuck with your confidence forever.
Of course.
There's some guys who get bullied in high school, and they just never recover.
Yeah.
Now you can do that on social media in two seconds, and some kid will kill
himself.
Yeah.
Happens all the time.
And then there's, like, pylons that people do.
Yes.
When comics do pylons, I'm like, good Lord.
I have, like, a mental list of people that do pylons that I'm like, I'll never
fuck with
you again.
Yeah.
I don't want to ever talk to you.
Right.
If I ever see you, I'm like, you're just, you're waiting to turn on people.
It's strange.
Yeah.
As Bill Burr would say, we're all eating a shit sandwich out here.
Like, why do you have to make this harder?
Yeah.
We're trying to be comedians.
It's like a crazy job to go for.
Well, one thing that they all have in common is they're all not doing well.
Like, it's all comics that are failing.
I guess so.
Yeah.
And then they're seeing all these other people that are taking off and doing
really well.
Like when Shane, when they piled on Shane.
Yeah.
It was because Shane's talented.
And they were really kind of scared of him.
Right.
Because when someone like that guy could take off, and now he has taken off.
Yes.
And now they're fucked.
They can't say nothing.
And then we all remember.
Of course.
Like, hey, you're the cunt that piled on.
Yeah.
All that shit was going on with SNL.
Fuck you.
You got mad at a comic for saying something inappropriate?
That's what we do.
Not only that.
It was completely out of context.
I know.
He was pretending to be a person who'd never been in Chinatown before.
Right.
Who was a racist.
Exactly.
That was his quote.
But they could get him because he had a big gig.
Exactly.
He got a break.
So now we can take that away.
And that's kind of the root of it.
It's losers.
You know, it's not like Chris Rock's not trying to take people's gigs away.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, of course.
It's only losers.
It's only people that don't have anything going on.
Well, Shane's got a, he's got a, he's like a fucking Buscemi and Billy Madison.
He's putting that lipstick on and he's, he's got a list.
Good.
Yeah.
Good.
He knows everybody.
Yeah.
Good.
Fuck those people.
You don't have to do anything to them, but just know them.
Know them for what they really are and never fuck with them again.
Yeah, avoid them.
Just keep writing jokes.
Keep killing and live your life.
Yeah, just keep killing.
You don't need those fuckers.
And there's always going to be people like that in every business, in every
industry.
There's always people that aren't doing so well that haven't got their life
figured out.
They want to attack the people that do.
Yeah.
Bro, why do we have beers?
What's up with the beer?
I brought a few in if you want to watch.
Lone Star.
I don't like that Bud Light shit.
No offense, Mulvaney.
I don't mind it.
I don't mind it, but I'll prefer a Lone Star.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Hey, we're mixing liquors here.
Ah, my dogs finally went to sleep.
Ah, hallelujah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit.
I was going to say something.
Doja Cat.
That was big.
Cunts.
Cunts.
A lot of cunts in the world.
Yeah.
But there's a lot of great people.
I think cunts are important because they make you appreciate nice people.
Right.
You know?
If I didn't know any cunts, maybe I wouldn't like you.
Right?
But I see the cunts and I want to hug them.
I want to go, come on.
What are we doing?
I do too.
But it doesn't always happen.
You know, I made up with Marin.
I heard.
Yeah.
Good on you.
Well, the funny thing is you never really started anything.
It was all him.
But it's that thing.
It's like he wasn't doing so good.
And he's also separate from us.
He's doing great.
He's in movies.
I know.
But it's like he's not doing as well.
I guess.
It's all comparative.
Ah, it's so sad.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I agree.
But he's in the Joker.
He's talking to Obama.
He's like, he's killing it.
He should be killing it.
Yeah.
But it's like people compare themselves to other people.
It's very toxic.
It's very bad.
It is.
It is.
But it's.
Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.
Right.
Do a better job.
That's it.
Figure out what you fucked up yesterday.
Do better.
Compare yourself to your friends and get inspiration from it.
Now, were you ever jealous of a guy?
Oh, yeah.
Definitely.
I go, I wouldn't mind taking that guy down.
Or that gal down.
No, no.
I never felt like that.
I don't have that instinct either.
No.
I never wanted to take someone down.
But I definitely felt jealousy.
But then I realized that's a bitch feeling.
You know?
And they're like, don't.
Like, you should be inspired.
And nothing comes from it.
Nothing.
But it's also, I came from a martial arts background where you have to have
people better than you
or as good as you around or you won't get better.
Like, if you're, like, in competition.
So, if you're competing against, like, elite people all over the country.
Like, I was doing when I was in high school and afterwards.
If you don't have people in the gym that are better than you, you're going to
get fucked up.
Like, you need to be around the best people in the world.
Like, I had national champions in my gym.
Right.
And because of that, I had to rise to a very high level.
So, they were very valuable to me.
Sure.
So, instead of, like, being jealous, like, was he the champ and I'm the champ.
Instead of that, you're like, I see what this guy's doing.
I see what he's going through.
I want to mirror his behavior.
I want to be inspired by him.
Step it up.
And you can do that with comedy, too.
With everything else.
Yeah.
But I will say martial arts is more objective.
That guy pinned you.
That guy knocked you out.
Right.
This comedy thing is subjective and people go, I'm funnier than that guy.
And I'm like, I've never seen you kill.
Right.
So.
That's true.
That's true.
That makes it harder.
That's why we love sports.
Right.
There's an ending.
Oh, you got more points.
The basket goes in the net.
Exactly.
That's it.
Or the ball goes in the basket.
That's it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But that's the problem.
We're so tribal now that, like, people vote the right way or they tweet the
right thing,
but they're still mean as shit.
Like, as Ari would say, good politics, bad people.
Yeah.
I'd rather you tweet some horrible slur, but be a nice guy.
Our priorities are out of whack in society.
I think we're rewarding the wrong things.
Well, we're really confused because social media is not real.
Right.
And it's not real human interaction.
It's not normal.
You're not supposed to be able to just write something and the people that
respond just write something back.
It's supposed to be dialogue.
Yeah.
People are supposed to communicate the way we're doing.
Yeah.
That's how normal people talk.
That way, when someone says something nutty, instead of letting them go on for
paragraph after paragraph,
you go, no, that's not true.
Yes.
I never said that.
Yes.
I never said that.
No, you're mis- first of all, you're taking something that was sarcastic.
Yes.
And you're making it like a quote as if this is like what my real feelings were.
Yeah.
And they kind of want it to be real, which is strange.
You know, they go, we hate racism.
I heard this thing where they're like, Bill Burr's a racist.
And somebody tweeted his wife's black.
And they were like, well, sometimes you'll marry black women to dominate them.
And you're like, give it up, man.
And then his wife tweeted-
You don't know that relationship.
Well, his wife tweeted after, shut the fuck up, bitch.
Yeah, good for her.
And you're like, there you go.
Yeah, good for her.
Just go, oh, shit.
But also, don't interact with those people.
Right.
It's not- these are not good faith conversations.
So do you feel good?
I mean, there must be a load off with the Marin makeup.
Yeah, it was nice.
I never hated that guy.
It was a- and it was a nice conversation.
Yeah.
And we're going to get together when he's in town.
Oh, my God.
This is amazing.
We're going to break bread to have dinner.
Wow.
I even invited him to the club.
I'm like, come to the club.
It's not what you think it is.
Yeah.
It's like, there's all walks of life.
There's a ton of lesbians and gay people.
And it's like the most diverse fucking place on earth.
But they're all talented.
Right.
It's only diverse by accident.
Yeah.
It's diverse just because the talented people all happen to be diverse.
Yeah.
It's like UFC.
Yeah.
It's like a Russian guy, a fucking Muslim guy, Chinese guy, white guy, Korean
guy.
But that's what it's supposed to be.
It's supposed to be- diversity is supposed to occur naturally if you just let
the best people
excel.
Right.
Especially in something like comedy because there's no barrier to entry.
It's an open mic night.
Yeah.
All you have to do is write on a pad.
Come up with some ideas.
Right.
You don't have to have a lot of money to do it.
Everybody there that starts out is broke.
Well, did you see those Oscars regulations?
Crazy.
That was a bummer because I'm a big movie guy.
Crazy.
And that really, really bummed me out.
Good.
Fuck the Oscars.
Who cares?
I mean, I grew up watching it.
I love movies.
I know.
But who cares?
But like The Godfather, all these movies would never have been made or won.
Never.
There's a ton of movies that you could never make.
You'd never make Braveheart.
Yeah.
Right.
Or Apocalypto.
Or what about all brown people.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Boys in the Hood.
There's no Asian guy in there.
Right.
And it's a great movie.
It's insane that you would have diversity quotas when you're talking about art.
Because you're going to have a – what if you're doing a film about Scotland
in the 1400s?
Exactly.
You can't bring Asian people into the mix.
No.
They weren't there.
But now you've got to write one in like, oh, this Asian guy is the best doctor
in Scotland.
And you're like, wait, what?
Yeah.
It's the 1400s.
Right.
And if you're going to write a thing about feudal Japan, it's going to be all
Japanese
people.
Squid Game.
Right.
Squid Game.
That's okay.
Yeah.
That's okay.
I love that show.
Yeah.
Just like Sinners is okay.
Yeah.
I like Sinners.
Have a movie with all black people.
Like, it doesn't matter.
Right.
It's just like, just make movies.
And if people like it, they like it.
But this idea of having a diversity quota, where you have to think about that.
Because I've talked to friends that have pitched shows.
And when they pitched the show, like Bert was telling me this.
He was pitching a show and they were like, where's the diversity?
And he's just like sitting there like, I don't know what to tell you.
It's a movie about Russians in Russia.
Like, what are you fucking saying to me?
Where's the diversity?
What does that even fucking mean?
I know.
It doesn't have to be diverse.
It just has to be good.
And then if you have enough good things, you're going to have diversity across
all these different
films.
Yes.
Because there's going to be films about black ballerinas.
Right.
There's going to be films about, you know, people, you know, running in the
Olympics in
1936 in Germany.
Yes.
You're going to have films that cover all the bases.
I know.
And let it just happen.
Let it happen.
Let the movie be good.
Just let people create what they want to create.
And then I think judging art is crazy anyway.
Well, I think awards for art are crazy.
It's all political, too.
It's just nonsense.
You know, oh, Scorsese wins for The Departed.
That's not his best movie.
Like when they were doing the Golden Globes for podcasts, I'm like, good luck.
Get out of here with that.
Right.
I didn't even submit.
I heard.
I'm like, get out of here.
I'm not going to be a part of your bullshit.
You can just decide who's the best and who's deciding.
Yeah.
Fuck off.
Exactly.
Awards for art are just nuts.
It doesn't work.
And then we all go, how'd they win?
Is that because of this?
Exactly.
Or is he actually really good?
You know, and now you're questioning it and you can't even get into it.
Well, do you remember Siskel and Ebert?
Yes.
Well, they were the guys.
I love Siskel and Ebert.
Yeah, I loved them too until I saw the outtakes and I realized they were both cunts.
I know, but that was fun.
And they were going after each other.
They hated each other.
They hated each other.
Yeah.
Those YouTube outtakes are amazing.
Amazing.
They fucking hated each other.
Oh, yeah.
But that was a fun show.
Two thumbs up, though.
It was lighter.
Yes.
It wasn't like, this movie was racist.
Right, right, right.
It was just like, good or bad.
Right.
They just judged it based on what they felt watching the movie.
And then they had educated takes.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, but that's where a film, that's where, that's where that, not awards for
art, but
recommendations for art by people that you appreciate.
Yes.
You know?
I just picture the Academy going, damn, that's a good movie, but, you know, it's
not a trans
guy in a wheelchair.
And this one does that.
They used to do it with retards.
That was a big thing with Oscars.
It was like, oh, this guy's playing a tard.
We got to give it to him.
Exactly.
And now it's more skin color based.
And then it got to Tropic Thunder where they never go full retard.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
They killed that genre.
Yeah.
You never see people playing handicapped people in a film anymore.
But that movie's great because it shows Robert Downey's in full black
everything.
Yes.
And everybody's like, he nailed it.
I asked him about that.
Oh, wow.
I said, do you think you could do that movie today?
He goes, well, you could do it.
It'd be a fucking problem.
Yeah.
He was the last guy to do blackface and not get canceled.
Yeah.
And he fucking killed it.
Killed it.
It was amazing.
That movie was fucking amazing.
Amazing.
It's the last completely politically incorrect movie.
And it is hilarious.
I know.
It's so good.
You know who kills it in that movie?
Tom Cruise.
Killed it as the sleazy agent.
That dancing.
That guy's so good.
He's good.
He's so good.
I was just talking the other day about that movie Collateral with Jamie Foxx.
Michael Mann.
Great movie.
That movie, I just watched it a couple of months ago.
I was like, this movie's so fucking good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's so convincing.
So scary.
As a complete psychopathic killer.
Yeah, and there's not much going on.
No.
But those two together, the chemistry was amazing.
Well, when things happen, they're so crazy.
Yes, yes.
Like that scene in the alleyway where he shoots those two guys and they're
trying to rob him.
Great.
You're like, fuck yeah.
Yeah, and hats off to Jamie Foxx.
He's so good in that movie.
He plays kind of a nerdy, scared guy.
And then he can play Ray.
Yes.
That guy can do anything.
Yeah, he had him on.
I love that guy.
He's great.
He's a talent.
He's a super talented guy.
And a really nice guy.
Oh, yeah?
I've met him at a gas station once.
What?
He's taking his daughter home from a martial arts class.
Wow.
And we were just pumping gas next to each other.
And some guy pulls up in one of those.
Have you ever seen those Resvani trucks?
Do you know what that is?
No.
It's a crazy, like, futuristic-looking bulletproof car.
It's like a Resvani tank.
What?
Pull it up.
Oh, it's cool-looking.
Is it electric?
No, no.
This is a long time ago, before electric cars.
This is probably 2000.
Well, there was some Teslas, the real small ones, that were based on the Lotus
platform back then.
But this is, like, 2014 or 2015 or something like that.
That thing.
Whoa!
He pulled up in that.
That's Jamie Foxx's car.
That's like a Batmobile kind of thing.
Exactly.
So he pulled up next to me, and I was like, who's driving that fucking thing?
Damn!
And Jamie Foxx got like, what's up, Joe?
I was like, oh, what's up, Jamie?
What do you do?
But he's cool.
He's like a normal dude.
Yeah, and he did it all.
He did stand-up.
He did a living color.
He had his own sitcom.
And then the movies.
Ultra, ultra-talented.
Can sing.
Oh, yeah.
He can act.
And he can act in comedy.
He can act in drama.
He can play a nerd.
He can play a killer.
He can play anything.
I just re-watched Ray.
It's incredible.
It's amazing.
Oh, yeah.
He kills that role.
How good is he singing it?
That's him singing.
Yeah, I didn't realize Ray was such a junkie.
Was he?
Yeah, that's right.
A big heroin guy.
That's why he was all moving like that shit.
He was all wonked out on the H.
You know people say Stevie Wonder can sing?
Or Stevie Wonder, rather, can sing?
Can see.
Can see.
I've heard that.
What's wrong with me?
He catches the microphone.
I'm trying to talk too fast.
The microphone falls, and he catches it.
So that's a big conspiracy theory.
But looking back, that's such a gentle, light conspiracy compared to what we've
the fuck we got going on today.
I know, right?
Yeah, that Elvis is real.
We used to have a fun, kind of playful conspiracy.
Two boxed a lot.
Yeah, yeah.
And now it's all out of whack.
Now it's McCrone's got a dick.
Exactly.
I've heard Erica Kirk's got a dick.
I've heard that one.
Whoa.
She seems thrilled right now.
She's an odd duck.
She's a kook for sure.
You ever seen the compilation of her making crazy eyes?
No.
There's a video of her making demon eyes, and every time she makes the eyes,
the music...
It's so ridiculous.
She's possessed.
Well, she just gets intense.
She's like the guy...
What's the gang gang guy?
What's that guy?
Oh my God, look at that.
She looks like a televangelist.
Give me some volume.
She's talking to Barry Weiss.
There you go.
Watch this.
Pay attention to her eyes.
Charlie said or believed things that they believed were controversial or even
hateful,
that he somehow had it coming.
What do you say to people who justified you're sick?
He's a human being.
Oh boy.
Exactly when Barry is saying, they basically said that because Charlie said or
believed...
All right.
We don't need the Vincent D'Onofrio.
That's not the one that I wanted to hear.
Okay.
But yeah, she seems...
She's having a good time.
Well, she was on a reality show.
Yes.
So she's a star fucker.
A little bit.
Maybe.
She was also in some weird CIA documents or CIA films.
Is that right?
Like, yeah.
You ever seen those films?
No, no.
See if you can find those films.
There's some weird, like, internal films that they made that she was a part of.
She looks like if a pageant lady, a pageant girl, was grown up.
100%.
Yeah, look at that.
Yeah, well, I mean, she essentially was a pageant lady.
Oh, really?
Right?
Wasn't she in, like, Miss USA or one of those things?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe.
Wasn't she, Jamie?
She's got that kind of face.
Oh, I don't know.
Well, there's a thing that people want, right?
That attention, fame thing.
Yeah, yeah.
That is what they really want.
Okay, so Jamie will find it.
She's got fireworks behind her.
She's a wild guy.
Erica Kirk's CIA video releases serious questions.
That's the one I just played.
Yeah.
It had a five-second clip and the rest was not.
Oh, but the full video's out there.
I watched it and it's very weird.
It's just the same video.
So, see if you play it.
It's about EMP attacks and power grids.
The whole rest of this was not that clip.
None of it?
Nope.
Well, a gig's a gig.
I think if you're struggling, actually, you take any kind of employee video or
whatever.
I guarantee you that video's out there.
I mean, no one could have pulled it.
Well, there's the Jimmy Dore video there.
Here it is.
Here it is.
Look at this.
Extremely vulnerable that we've presented to congressional officials.
One being cyber, two being hackers, three being physical threats,
fourth one is solar EMP, and the fifth one is man-made EMP.
So, the concern that we have is that we put out this critical information,
and when we go over this risk analysis, they hear what we're saying,
but they don't want to take action.
Take action.
Well, there are 18 critical infrastructures.
It's weird, but very weird.
She's doing a CIA informational video.
Weird.
Is it an acting gig, or is this something else?
Perhaps.
Or.
I know.
But even so, you're doing an acting gig for the CIA.
Who calls you for that?
Yeah.
You ever get one of those calls?
No.
No, I never get one of those calls.
And my agent never hit me with that one.
Yeah.
It's odd.
Well, there's a lot of people that think that she was his handler.
Oh.
She was Charlie Kirk's handler.
But, of course, there's a lot of people that think I have handlers.
Yeah.
Well, you've got about nine Navy SEALs out there.
They're not handlers.
They're my friends.
They're not handlers.
I know those guys.
Okay.
Well, they're tough dudes.
You think they are?
They are tough dudes.
Well, they know some stuff.
Well, there's a lot of kooks out there, bro.
That's true.
I mean, you just had a shooter on 6th Street.
Yeah.
Finally, a guy in Austin kills.
Only with three people, though.
We don't have to get into the Austin-New York debate.
But I'm bummed.
That's a stupid debate.
It's all silly.
What are we doing?
That's Luis J. Gomez getting involved in these things.
Settle down.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just the more comedy, the better.
Keep putting it in every city.
I know.
I know, right?
Yeah.
Give me more good clubs.
How is New York these days?
New York's good.
I mean, we're humming.
We've got all these clubs opening up still.
More opening?
More opening.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
And comedy's hot, as you know.
Comedy has been...
The more fucked up the world is, the more hot comedy is.
That's probably true, yeah.
Yeah.
But it's legitimized now.
You know?
Everybody takes it seriously.
Before, you were kind of a clown.
Now they're like, oh, let's go see some comedy and listen to them talk about
Iran.
Well, I think one of the things that helped is podcasts, because people hear
comics talk about it,
and they realize, like, oh, these are thinking people that are going through
this, like, very bizarre art form that doesn't have a playbook.
Yes.
Right?
And we have no rules.
Right.
Where now Oscars have all these rules, we will never have rules.
Thank God.
And if we do, the whole art form's fucked.
Well, they've tried to put rules in in certain clubs, and those clubs always
fall apart.
That's true.
You know, you can't do that.
Well, it's so fucking gay, because they're all like, we love Richard Pryor.
I'm like, if he was around today, you'd hate him.
Right.
He hit his wife, he was a drug addict, you know.
Right.
He was a psycho.
Kenison.
Kenison.
One of the fucking greatest comics that's ever lived, completely out of his
mind.
And also, the best example of someone who did not punch up.
Yeah.
He punched down all the time.
He punched down about starving people in Africa.
Yeah.
I love, when did we decide punching down was not funny?
They're stupid.
It's hilarious.
I had a guy on once that was a professor that taught comedy, and he wrote a
book on comedy.
And he tried to tell me that punching down is never funny.
I go, that is wrong.
That doesn't make sense.
You're wrong.
I go, because Sam Kenison, one of the greatest bits of all time, was him doing
a bit about
the starving people in Africa.
Right.
Yeah.
It's a legendary bit.
Dave Attell has 18 minutes on midgets.
That's literally punching down.
Like, they're little, but it's funny.
If it's funny, it's funny.
If it's funny, it's funny.
And sometimes it's funny because it's wrong.
Yes.
Sometimes it's funny.
It's like, oh my God, what are you saying?
Exactly.
I know.
Or Holtzman.
Holtzman.
Hilarious.
Perfect example.
People try to take Holtzman literally.
I've seen comics complain about the mothership because they let a guy come up
and say these
things.
Right.
What guy?
Brian Holtzman?
Right.
Like, talk to Brian Holtzman offstage.
It's Jekyll and Hyde.
Completely.
Nicest guy in the world.
Sweetheart of a guy.
Yeah.
Friendly.
Loves everybody.
Super kind.
He's like a camp counselor.
He's wearing a polo and slacks.
The nicest fella.
Yeah.
On stage, he becomes this character that he's created over the years.
And it's amazing.
But we do the hierarchy thing.
And by that logic, I should be able to make fun of Asians because they're doing
the best.
They are doing the best.
Asians are number one, then honky, and then who knows.
Right.
So by that logic, I should be able to do a ching chong whatever.
Right.
Because, you know, by your logic, hey, I'm punching up.
Right.
They're killing it.
They are, especially academically.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, they're killing it so hard that they've made rules to try to eliminate
Asian people
from universities.
Yes!
From college.
Yes, there's fucking lawsuits about it.
They made it more difficult.
They have to get higher scores.
That's crazy.
It's not because they kill it.
They kill it.
They work so hard.
But what a crazy con...
Hey, you look like that guy.
We got too many of you guys who look like this.
You're trying too hard.
It's like a union job.
Hey, slow down.
Right, right.
You're fucking it up for the rest of us.
Yeah.
But yeah, let them keep killing it.
Let them be smart and invent shit and run the country.
I don't care.
Exactly.
Make it so that, you know, there's a legitimate competition where the other
people realize,
okay, we're not working as hard.
They're working hard and we've got to catch up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can't just slow them down and remove them.
There's too many Asians in Harvard.
Fuck you.
Yes.
That's why Japan, you can leave a Rolex on a bench.
Yeah.
Because they're better in a lot of ways.
Let them be better.
We don't all have to be the same.
You know, that's the same thing about Dubai.
A buddy of mine moved to Dubai and he said, he's black.
And he was saying that in America, he goes, dude, I go to a nightclub.
I worry about being shot.
He goes, there's none of that there.
And he goes, and if you could just leave a diamond, like a diamond ring on the
ground,
someone will pick it up and turn it to the police.
Damn.
Because there's no theft.
How do they do that?
Is that cultural?
Is that raised better?
What is that?
Laws.
Hardcore laws.
They have modern, they have kings.
They have a king over there.
And like, you can't fuck around.
There's no fucking around.
Right.
If you fuck around, they will lock you up and that's it.
And there's no if, ands or buts.
There's no social justice warriors.
Right.
There's no people that are going to give you no cash bail and let you out
because, you know,
oh my God, the system's racist.
No, no, no, no.
You commit a crime.
You go to fucking jail.
So nobody goes to jail because nobody commits crimes.
Damn.
Is that what it is?
Yes.
Huh.
But there's...
You fuck around over there.
Like there's a American lady went over there and she got in arguments with
people at the
airport and they're like, you're going to jail.
Whoa.
They just locked her up.
She was yelling at people.
She was trying to do the thing to do with Spirit Airlines in America.
Like, uh-uh.
Yeah.
Not here.
Well, the fistfights on airplanes has gone up from...
If you go 1960 to 2025, it's got to be up 8,000%.
What happened?
I don't know.
What happened?
What happened?
Why did we lose our fucking marbles?
Maybe because flights got cheaper and you get bus people on a flight.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Bus people were the people who were cutting people's heads off on a fucking
interstate truck.
Yeah.
I assume that's what it is.
Because back in the day, they wore a suit and they had a cocktail and they
smoked.
But taking a flight back then was a big deal.
You ever travel by bus?
Oh, yeah.
Are you kidding?
I did a few bus gigs back in the day because my car broke down and I didn't
have any money.
And so I had to travel by bus.
It hurts.
The people you have to hang out with is like the dregs of society.
We're on these greyhounds.
It really...
You know where else you see that is...
I still do the free breakfast at the Holiday Inn.
Oh, the characters you see in there.
It's like a family, then it's a guy with a neck tattoo, an ex-con, a tweaky
meth guy, and then me.
I was watching a video about how people that don't stay in that hotel sneak
into these hotels.
I used to do that.
Did you?
Yeah, they just walk right in.
You got pajama pants on.
You pull an all-nighter.
You go get the free breakfast.
They're not going to stop you.
They assume you're staying there.
Yeah, well, they just want to make it nice for everybody.
Yeah, you can make a waffle.
Yeah, but staying in a shitty hotel teaches you a lot about humans.
That's true.
That's what road gigs are really good for.
You meet the people that are working the fucking counter.
Right.
Some sad, frowny-faced dude working the counter.
The crazy ones are those like...
What do they call it when you kind of live there?
They have a kitchenette.
Oh, yeah.
You know, the extended stay?
Days in.
Yeah, there's like dogs everywhere.
And there's people making crack on the stove and shit.
You know who's in a hotel now?
Mickey Rourke.
Really?
Yeah, he's in a hotel in Hollywood now.
He got evicted.
Huh.
He doesn't have any money anymore.
What?
Yeah.
It's a sad story.
Oh, he was a hot guy and a great actor.
Oh, he was great.
Oh, my God, dude.
So many films.
Angel Heart?
The Wrestler?
Yes.
Oh, my God, dude.
So good.
He was incredible.
Well, Wrestler was when he was making a comeback.
Right.
So he made a comeback for a little bit.
He was in Iron Man, remember?
Mm-hmm.
He was great.
But, you know, I don't know, man.
I think...
He got a lot of work done.
He did.
But he made it after he got a lot of work done.
He still...
The comeback, the Wrestler and everything, was after the work.
Yeah.
You know, but the thing was, like, he did a lot of boxing.
Oh.
And remember, like, he didn't like the fact that he was, like, a big actor.
He wanted to be more of, like, a real person and a man.
So he started having fights.
So he's having, like, legitimate boxing.
Allegedly legitimate.
Yeah.
Some of them look sus.
Sure.
Some of them look like people laid down.
But when you think about that, if he's sparring...
So he was sparring, like, James Toney and, like, real people.
He's probably getting the fucking brains beaten out of him.
And he probably went a little squirrely.
Yeah, CT is no joke.
It's no joke, dude.
It would be the Aaron Hernandez, all these guys.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, a lot of these MMA fighters that I talked to.
Like, you know, they're struggling.
Yeah.
Who are these ladies who are like, I'll date this guy?
Because they're exciting and dangerous.
That's why.
Dangerous?
They'll fucking hang you.
You know?
I think he hung himself, actually.
Who hung himself?
Aaron Hernandez.
Oh, in jail, right?
But he had killed a bunch of people already.
Yeah.
He was killing people while he was in the NFL.
Yeah.
He was a wild motherfucker.
But then they said when they checked his CTE after he was dead, like, yeah,
like, some of the worst CTE they've ever seen in his life.
Yeah.
His brain was gone.
Well, there you go.
A friend of mine who has CTE was explaining it to me, and the way the doctor
was explaining to him, like, most people have several steps to go to before
they lose control of their impulses.
Like, you have an initial thought, and then your brain comes in and goes, don't
do that.
Yeah.
And then there's another one.
It ramps up a little bit.
This is getting serious, but let's not get out of hand.
But someone with CTE, first initial thought, right into DEF CON 5.
Whoa.
They just immediately go.
No buffer.
No buffer.
Oof.
You got to have a buffer.
No impulse control.
Cocaine, women, whiskey.
Right.
No matter what it is.
Like, especially when booze, you add booze, loss of inhibition.
Yep.
No impulse control.
Shoot out with the cops.
You know, it's like, right to the worst case scenario.
Remember that Bill Burr bit?
He's like, I'm driving down the street.
I see a bunch of people on the sidewalk.
Just quarter inch turn to the right.
I'll just mow them all down.
Yeah.
You have that thought, but then you don't do it.
Everybody has those thoughts.
Yeah.
You go up on the top of a building, and you're like, ah, I could jump.
Yeah.
You have that for a second, and then you pull back.
Some people just don't have it.
I guess so.
Especially, well, brain damage is basically like, think about, like, if you
have a fucked up phone.
Like, I dropped my phone once, and I was in Hawaii, and it just started calling
people.
Really?
I was showing my wife, like, look at this.
This is crazy.
Like, you hang up, calls another person.
Hang up, it was just broken.
Whoa.
So that's your brain.
Right.
Right?
All the wires are all fucked up, and you got holes in there.
Yeah.
CTE, and chronic traumatic encephalopathy, and, you know, your hormones are all
fucked up.
Your cortisol's all fucked up.
You got to put their head in rice.
And you just, like, all of a sudden, you're just running through red lights.
You don't even know why you're doing it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Woo.
Probably kind of fun in the middle of it.
Probably not.
You're probably like, am I in control of my own destiny?
I'm not.
Oof.
Man.
Yeah, we're lucky we're saying.
I mean, you've taken a lot of blows.
Yeah.
Mentally and physically.
I have the right amount of brain damage.
Oh.
I'm not worried about things.
That's good.
I don't concern myself about things that I think would cripple a lot of people.
Right.
Interesting.
I think it makes me a little more fearless.
Yeah.
It's like autism.
If you have just the right amount, you're a genius.
A touch of the tism.
A touch.
Just a touch.
Yes.
You don't want to be nonverbal, but you want to be really good at math.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's almost like blind guys who can fucking do other shit.
Right.
They can hear better.
Yeah.
Echo location.
There you go.
Yeah.
I mean, Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles.
Yeah.
I think I have just enough brain damage.
That's very interesting because you wonder how could you do this for so long
and do comedy
and do UFC and drink and smoke weed and run a club.
You got a lot of iron and kids and a wife and a fucking dog and you got J-Mo
and cars.
You got a lot of plate spinning.
But I'm still just me because I don't have to ever be anybody but me.
But you also do a ton of work on you.
You do the fucking cold plunge, the sauna, the working out, the kicking, the
fighting, the comedy.
That helps.
I always tell everybody that's going through anything like difficult in your
life, do something more difficult voluntarily and it makes the difficult thing
easy.
And so like a career in the public eye is very difficult psychologically.
Yeah.
So do something like my workouts are way harder than anything I ever
experienced in my regular life.
And you do it to yourself.
Yeah, I do it to myself.
That's the key.
Yeah.
So that when I'm done, like I can kind of tolerate a lot.
Like if you do jujitsu, like I did jujitsu for what, 25, 28 years or something
like that.
Yeah.
Like just doing that all the time is so hard that the rest of the world seems
easy.
But weren't you beaten as a kid?
No, no, no, no.
I thought you got hit a few times.
No, no, no, no, no.
Or your mom got hit?
Yeah.
Okay.
Not me.
Not me.
That could have scrambled some stuff.
It definitely did.
Well, it made me more attuned to the potential of domestic violence, which
scares the shit
out of me.
But I got hit a lot.
Okay.
But in fighting.
Right.
I mean, I started training when I was 15, seriously.
Yeah, yeah.
So for all my formative years, I was getting my brains punched.
Whoa.
You know, I was getting kicked.
I was getting punched, you know.
Have you thought about getting, like, that'd be cool to get a real brain scan
exam on you.
I don't want to know what's in there.
All right, all right.
Just keep riding it out.
I don't want to know.
Because it's going well.
It's going well.
Yeah.
So I'll leave it alone.
But I think, like, you have to have tools for managing stress.
And one of the best tools, I think, is voluntary adversity.
I think so, too.
It's going to force yourself.
Because it gives you discipline and you understand, like, that you can control
a lot of the way
you think and a lot of the way you behave by your actions.
Right.
And it's also, like, I don't want to do it every time.
Like, today.
Yes.
Today I got in the cold plunge and I was, every time I do it, I'm trying to
figure out ways
that I could talk myself out of doing it.
Yes.
And then I have one part of my brain that's talking like a bitch.
And the other part of my brain is, like, shut the fuck up.
You're just going to do it.
Yeah.
You're not even going to think about it.
You're not going to hesitate.
You're just going to lift the lid off of that thing.
You're going to set the timer.
You're going to slide into that 34 degree water.
And you're just going to fucking sit there.
Well, yeah.
And you're not going to bitch and complain.
You're just going to breathe.
And don't overreact.
Just deal with it.
And it keeps you in reality.
Yes.
This is real.
I'm freezing.
You could die.
You could die.
You could die.
Or you're lifting weights.
You're like, this sucks.
This sucks.
But I'm doing it.
When you're doing sprints on the air dime machine, it sucks.
Well, also, the society, the population is more comfortable than ever.
I mean, you've got Uber Eats.
You've got Netflix.
You've got all these comforts.
So, they're going the other way.
Yeah.
And then we're kind of decaying.
There's a guy named Michael Easter.
He's been on my podcast before.
He wrote a book called The Comfort Crisis.
Great book.
Oh, there you go.
He's a professor in UNLV, I think.
But he, like, talks about it from, like, a perspective of, like, how to ban...
Like, really manage and balance out life and that comfort is your enemy.
It really is.
Yeah.
It's 100% your enemy.
There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
Like, the desire to constantly be comfortable, it doesn't get you anywhere in
life and it doesn't
make you happy.
Yeah.
You think you're going to be happy if you're comfortable?
You're not.
No.
You've got to be comfortable sometimes, but you have to earn that comfort.
Right.
I still watch TV.
Like, I told you, I watched that guy cook fucking an ostrich.
He baked an ostrich.
That's crazy.
Yeah.
And I watched the whole thing.
I'm sitting there like a moron.
Yeah.
Because the world's on fire.
I'm like, let me watch this guy cook in Azerbaijan and go super.
Well, it's better to watch that than Love is Blind or some horse shit.
I can't watch those things.
I can't either.
I don't like watching people behave badly.
I get, I feel myself being dumber.
Yeah.
I feel slower after watching that.
Yeah.
I like watching interesting things about space.
I was watching something about the James Webb Telescope and what they're
finding out now.
Yeah.
Some new guy that has some theory about how the universe is not expanding.
And I'm fascinated by really interesting things and just people doing things
that they love
to do.
Well, Jimmy Carr said, the key to life is two words, prioritize later.
And that's big.
You don't want to exercise, but you do it so you're healthy.
Yeah.
You know, you don't want to eat healthy or eat right.
You want the pizza.
You want the Snickers, but you think about later.
Right.
And I think that's a big one.
Right.
You want your comedy to do well, you got to write.
You got to write.
Sit down in front of that fucking computer or the notebook and just concentrate.
And then do those sets that, you know, some of the best sets that I've ever had
are
the ones where I'm sitting at home going, can I get an excuse to not do this?
Of course.
I would be in my house not wanting to go to the store.
Yes.
And I was like, I don't want to do it.
And then I would kill.
And you're always happy you did it.
Yes.
Every single time.
Every time.
Every time.
I'm a big introvert.
So I would always go, I can't go to that party or that thing sounds annoying.
But if I go, I'm like, that was great.
I had a great time.
It's not that you're an introvert.
Big introvert.
Because you're so good publicly.
Well, I mean, we do an art form that's pre-written.
Yeah.
So.
But you're also good like this.
But it's me and you.
But you're also good in interviews and like, Good Morning America, one of those
fucking stupid
talking around.
I'm a goofball.
But you know what I'm saying?
Like, you're really good at those.
But I can do a one-on-one.
But in a group setting, I'm a mess.
It's not pretty.
And I sit at home and I go, I can't go.
I can't.
What if I say something stupid?
Nobody likes me.
I'm annoying.
And then everything tells me to stay home.
But I just push it.
But don't you think it's healthier to have that perspective?
Like, oh, people are going to hate me.
They're going to.
Then everybody loves me.
Of course.
Yeah.
I don't want to be that guy.
That doesn't work.
No.
Right?
That's like whenever I talk to people, they say I get an imposter syndrome.
I go, good.
That means you're healthy.
Oh.
Everybody who's doing really well gets imposter syndrome.
Right.
Right.
David Tell thinks he's a hack.
He's the funniest guy on the planet.
Right?
Everybody who's really killing it in life at certain point kind of goes, this
doesn't make
any sense.
Yeah.
Why am I even doing well?
Why is it so good?
Yeah.
Yeah.
But now, are we just blessed in that way that we hate ourselves or are insecure?
Or are we, did we have to find that out?
Well.
Because I'm jealous of the guy who's cool and collected.
Yeah, but they're probably jealous of you because you're talented.
I think that the thing about it is, it's like if you really believe you're
something better
than you are, that prevents you from getting better than you could be.
I agree.
Yeah, yeah.
If you think you're great, you're fixing something and you go, that's good.
I did it.
And then it falls apart.
We all remember that from like the beginnings of our career.
Like there's guys that thought they killed.
Yes, yes.
And they were terrible.
Yeah.
They were bombing.
No one was laughing.
Right.
And they're like, oh, that was a great set.
And you're like, what did you hear?
You see all these 400-pound skanks who were like, I'm a 10.
Right.
And you're like, what are you kidding?
You're an ogre.
Right.
But, you know.
But that's that weird.
Those shows where they sit those ladies down.
And I don't like those shows.
I don't like those either.
They're too mean to the gals.
And I've been calling everybody skanks.
But I'm not going to just say that to a woman's face or whatever.
So those make me uncomfortable.
Yeah.
Even the gals that deserve it.
I'm like, oh, God.
Just don't talk to them.
Yeah.
Don't do that to them.
No, no, no.
It's weird.
But people love it.
They love it when people get shut down.
They really do.
They love it when a really stupid person with delusional perspective talks to a
genius and gets just annihilated.
I know.
But I'd feel icky leaving that studio.
Oh, I would.
I'd feel icky watching it.
Even the little clips.
I'm like, oh, what are you doing to that poor lady?
I know.
Some of them deserve it, arguably.
Sure, sure.
Yeah.
You know, they have ridiculous perspectives.
Their vocabulary sucks and they try to use it anyway.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And look, maybe they should be.
It's like cops.
I see them shutting criminals down and I'm like, thank God they're here because
I don't want to do it.
I would never want to.
Imagine giving someone a parking ticket.
Oh, I'd kill myself.
How about pulling someone over and thinking they're going to shoot you?
Well, that's a whole other thing.
They're all, all those guys have PTSD.
How could you not?
I was talking to a friend of mine who worked for the Austin PD and he said,
listen, Matt, and he was in the, he served overseas and was deployed several
times.
And he said, I saw way more shit working for the police department than I ever
saw overseas.
Oh, wow.
Way more murders, way more crime, way more dead bodies, way more fucked up
behavior.
And then we shit on them.
We go, defund them.
They fucked cops, ACAB or whatever.
And I'm like, we need them.
We need those guys.
More of that stupid virtue signaling.
Because those people, remember when that lady who was the mayor of Chicago was
like, all about defund the police?
Meanwhile, she had her block shut down.
She had armed guards with her everywhere.
Right.
Come on, lady.
Yeah.
And I get it.
Cops aren't perfect.
We got to have different money allotted to certain things or whatever.
They need to be trained better for sure.
Yeah.
But you can't just shit on this guy.
He's taking bullets to the head just so we can be safe.
It's literally one of the most important jobs in a functioning society is to
stop criminals from ruining everything for everybody else.
And the only shield between us and them is police officers.
Yes.
If you don't appreciate that, you just don't know.
You're either delusional, you're arrogant, whatever it is, you should go on a
ride-along.
Yes.
Because a lot of people that have been on ride-alongs, they go on ride-alongs.
Good idea.
I haven't been on one.
I should just say that right away.
But I know enough cops.
I've talked to them.
But if you go on a ride-along, you'll go, oh, these guys are dealing with this
for decades.
Not just one night.
Not just a couple of nights.
Yeah.
Decades of fucking chaos.
Why would they do that?
Because it's a good job.
You can pay your mortgage.
You can raise a family.
And you come out of the military.
You don't know what you're going to do.
You get a job in the police force.
And you feel good, probably.
You go, I'm helping.
I'm saving people's lives.
A lot of times you are helping.
Yeah.
A lot of times you're stopping bad guys.
Well, I've noticed a lot of people who hate cops are very cop-like.
These people are like, defund the police.
And they're like, don't do that joke.
Don't say that word.
I'm like, you're like a cop.
Right.
You know, there's a lot of that.
Like a lot of people who hate Trump, I notice are a lot like Trump.
Like I'm not a Trump guy, but these people are like, they're also kind of a
narcissist and an egomaniac.
And I'm like, you're like him.
Like girls who are promiscuous who talk shit about girls fucking other guys.
Right, right.
Right?
That's always the case.
Always.
Yeah, yeah.
There's always people like that.
I think you hate yourself.
Yeah.
Kind of.
Like Jew, Palestine.
They look the same.
They're not that different.
I used to do a joke about that.
No way!
Yeah.
I said, when I look at Israel versus Palestine, I go, it's like the Williams
sisters playing each other in tennis.
Right.
I go, who the fuck is who?
I go, there's a brown skinned guy with dark curly hair throwing rocks and a
brown skinned guy with dark curly hair honing a machine gun.
Exactly.
What the fuck?
I have a similar bit about how the people who hate each other the most, they
look alike.
Like Ireland's been fighting, North Korea, South Korea.
Right.
Bloods in the Crips.
North Korea, South Korea is the best example.
It goes on for days.
Yeah.
They hate each other.
You're literally in the same patch of dirt.
It's Russia, Ukraine.
You look exactly the same.
You look the same.
You look the same.
I know.
Women.
Yeah.
They hate each other.
A lot of them do.
Yeah.
Competition, though.
I know.
That's primal shit.
They all want prime dick.
Yeah.
They all get mad.
Someone's getting the prime dick.
Hot girl walks into a party.
My wife hates her.
Really?
She's like, fuck this bitch.
I'm like, she's nice.
She gives her the poor.
She's charitable.
And she's like, I hate her.
One of my wife's friends get super upset because someone showed up at her
wedding.
Oh, yeah.
This guy brought a date, and the date was super hot, and she had her tits out,
and this lady
was furious.
Yeah.
It's innate.
She just overdid it.
Right.
Right.
Exactly.
Listen, that lady could show up with a fucking job of the hut outfit on.
You would hate her.
She's hot.
She's hot.
She could have a cloak.
She could be dressed like a monk.
You'd hate her.
She's beautiful.
In college, I lived with a guy who was 6'9".
He's just like this big, beefy, Midwestern football player guy.
And every bar we'd go to, guys would try to fight him.
Of course.
He was like a Birkenstock-wearing, kind of weed-smoking guy.
And every guy was like, you got a problem?
You think you're tough?
You think you're hot shit?
You think you're better than me?
And he's like, dude, I'm just sitting here drinking.
And he would have to fight these guys.
Bro, I've seen that happen with MMA fighters.
Really?
People try to pick fights with MMA fighters.
They get drunk and they're retarded and they just think, oh, fuck this guy up.
Yes.
That's crazy.
Stupid.
There's a lot of morons in this world.
It's too easy to survive.
It's too easy to be a moron.
We need wolves in the streets.
We need predators everywhere.
Right.
We need something like a real fear of the consequences of your actions.
Yeah, that's why animals stay in line.
Exactly.
You know, we talk all this shit about animals, but they're like, they're
keeping it.
They got gender roles.
They're doing all this shit we're not supposed to do.
Not a lot of non-binary wolves.
Yeah.
They don't make it.
The male penguin gets the fish.
The female watches the eggs.
If he was like, I want to be a graphic designer, fuck this shit, it would
collapse.
Exactly.
It would all fall apart.
Yeah.
The idea of gender roles.
I had this lady on who was explaining the roots of feminism.
It was the strangest conversation because she was talking about how all these
people that
started radical feminism were all completely fucked up.
They were all out of their fucking minds.
They were all having all these affairs.
Not raising their kids.
Like, completely self-obsessed.
Right.
And they're the ones who tricked all these women into being girl bosses.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Well, anytime someone is too outlandish about something, there's always a
trigger for that.
There's always a reason.
Uh-huh.
No matter what it is.
Yeah.
I'm going to take down these pedophiles.
And you're like, what's in your basement?
Right.
You know?
Right.
I mean, I'm against pedophiles.
Well, have you seen, like, when they did this, like, when Pizzagate was
happening?
There was all these people that debunked Pizzagate.
Four of the journalists that debunked Pizzagate got arrested for either child
sex crimes or
child porn.
Wow.
There you go.
Isn't that crazy?
It's...
Guys are like, this is an unfounded conspiracy theory.
This is all bullshit.
Right.
They were pervs.
It's like, same with Bill Cosby.
Why is he so gung-ho about you pulling your pants off, speaking right, don't
curse?
There's something behind it.
There's always something behind it.
Yes.
He's the best example, right?
Yeah.
Ellen.
Ellen is up there.
Be kind.
I'm dancing.
And then she's the coos of the year.
Yeah.
Well, I knew about that a long time ago because Fitzsimmons worked for her.
Yeah.
That's right.
He told everybody.
Oh, he told everybody.
He told me, like, fucking decades ago, he's like, she's such a cunt.
Yeah.
I was like, really?
Ellen?
I was shocked.
Me too.
We all were.
I was like, she seems so sweet.
Yeah.
She seems so nice.
He's like, dude, she's fucking horrible to her staff.
She's horrible to everybody.
I'm like, wow.
Wow.
There you go.
Everybody loved her.
And it took during the pandemic when everybody was bored before it all came out.
Right, right, right.
So I was like, hey, let me tell you something about that lady.
But one interesting takeaway is the fact that she was kind of canceled for
being gay.
In the 90s.
And she came out of it and became a star.
And then she got canceled for being mean.
That's progress.
Right?
Yeah, but people celebrated her because she got canceled for being gay.
They canceled her show.
Isn't that nuts?
Like, you could get a show on the air now if you were playing a gay character.
Right.
They'd be like, ooh, diversity.
Yes.
This is, like, going to get greenlit.
Yeah.
Well, it's funny how that gay used to be the ultimate insult when I was in high
school.
And now I got friends like, tell them I'm bi.
I'm trying to fit in.
Right.
So it went from an insult to, like, a cool thing.
I'm pansexual.
That's my favorite.
Yes.
I'll fuck everybody.
That's what it is.
I'm attracted to everybody.
Like, that's nuts.
But in 20 years, you're going to be like, tell them I'm a child molester.
I'm trying to fit in.
Like, where does it end?
Well, there are academics that are trying to say that these are minor attracted
persons.
I've heard of maps.
That's bananas.
Insane.
Why aren't we talking?
Why isn't that a big story?
Gadsad calls it suicidal empathy.
You get to a point where you're trying to justify everything and empathize with
everything to the point where you make horrific actions and terrible crimes
justifiable.
Well, doesn't it kind of horse you?
You know, like, you see, like, an alt-right guy who'll draw a swastika on a
synagogue.
And you're like, all right, that guy's a piece of shit.
But then a liberal guy will do it on a Cybertruck.
Exactly.
And you're like, what?
You guys just met in the middle somehow.
Exactly.
Crazy.
You're putting swastikas on Cybertrucks because you think Elon Musk is a Nazi.
Because he said, my heart goes out to you while he's trying to stop fraud and
waste.
And they're using the whole political machine to paint this guy as a Nazi.
You're buying into it to virtue signal.
And so to show that you're buying into it, you're keying Teslas.
But when you look at the steps of it, it's fascinating.
Well, it's the same thing we were talking about earlier.
Like, the religious right is the same thing as the religious left and Islamists.
It's the same thing.
It's like patterns of human behavior where you want to point at other people
and not look
at yourself.
And you want to think that your radical beliefs are fine and everybody else's
radical beliefs
are wrong.
But we've gotten there with politics.
And that's what's scary.
Because there's not even two parties anymore.
There's two algorithms.
Everybody's just seeing two totally different realities.
Yes.
Like these Iranian soccer player ladies who are too scared to go home.
And you're like, where's Rapinoe?
Where's that lesbo, that loudmouth?
She's a justice warrior.
This is, do some justice.
Right.
These people, their fucking family back home is being kidnapped.
Yeah.
These people are in like real danger.
Yes.
And no one's supporting them.
Incredibly brave to do that.
They show the hair, whatever they do.
And they're scared to go home.
And then like their family members get tortured because they won't come back.
It's fucking horrible.
Exactly.
I think those people sought refuge in Australia now.
That's right.
That's who they are.
That's right.
I mean, their whole life has been ruined.
They're fucked.
And no support from the left.
Yeah, give a tweet.
Something.
Hashtag.
It's crazy.
Like how do they like pick certain things to support and other things they just
blatantly
ignore?
It's fucking fascinating.
It's so contradictory.
You know, the right will be like, abortion's bad, but then they'll have an
abortion.
Right.
Behind the, behind the, you know, behind the curtain.
Yeah.
Or like the left, like get horribly mad at like the George Floyd violence.
Right.
How do they do that to him?
But then that lady in Charlotte gets stabbed on a train.
Not a peep.
Oh yeah.
Not a peep.
Not a peep.
You got some guy that's getting released from jail like fucking 40 times.
He's a violent offender.
Right.
Over and over again.
Stabbed some random lady who survived the Ukraine war.
She was a refugee from Ukraine.
And not a, not a bad looker.
Hot.
Very hot.
That's the problem.
Ah.
Nobody feels sympathetic for a hot lady.
She's got it too easy.
Well, that's great.
People are people.
Nuts.
And then I feel like, like some of this we're saying is controversial, but how
is this controversial?
We're just saying what is.
In a world gone crazy, speaking sane is controversial.
That's why it feels so fucking good when shit comes back to reality.
Like when, you know, we had to call fat people beautiful.
Remember that?
And they're all on a Zipic.
And they're all on a Zipic.
Like what are we doing here?
So now it's okay to go, all right, I like being thin.
I want to be hot.
I know.
But they never go, I was lying.
I lied a bunch.
I know.
I was a fat piece of shit.
I hated it.
Lizzo's losing weight.
She was the fat champion.
I know.
She's lost a lot of weight.
She looks good now.
She looks great, but I like fat Lizzo.
And she's probably a lot healthier.
I'm sure.
Of course.
Yeah.
I mean, it's very strange.
People are mad at Jelly Roll for losing weight.
Well, his name's Jelly Roll.
You know, he fucked up.
Well, now he's a jelly churro.
He's lost 300 fucking pounds with pure discipline.
Is that?
Come on.
Yeah, Noah's Zipic.
Really?
Noah's Zipic.
What's he doing?
He does testosterone replacement and exercise.
That's it.
And changed his diet.
Damn.
Eliminated sugar.
Eliminated everything from his diet.
Because he was a big boy.
He was 500 pounds.
Wow.
Yeah.
He lost 300.
He's in the twos now.
Hey.
And 35 pounds of it is extra skin.
Ew.
He's got crazy extra skin.
He worked out with me in here.
He had ran six miles the day before, came into the studio before the podcast we
did.
He ran two and a half miles on the treadmill.
I watched him.
Wow.
I mean, talking, like in great shape.
He's talking while he's running, laughing, joking around.
Hey, good for him.
He's super nice to everybody.
Nice.
He's the sweetest fucking guy you ever want to meet.
He's a very nice guy.
To everybody, man.
Yeah.
He's hugging everybody.
He's like a sweet, kind guy.
And he's on the right path.
And he's lost 300 fucking pounds.
Wow.
Good for him.
Yeah.
He's got to change the name.
No.
You can't be Jelly Roll and thin.
Just call him Jelly.
I call him Jelly anyway.
Jelly's fat.
What is his real name?
I've known that guy for fucking seven years.
I don't even know his real name.
Jason.
Jason.
You're Jason now.
I'm sorry.
No, I haven't known him for seven years.
I met him at my club, so I've known him for three years.
All right.
Jason.
I didn't know that.
I would have guessed, like, Brian.
Yeah.
Yeah, who knows?
Who knows?
It's cool that he's got a fake name, though.
That's a good move.
Yeah, that's a black guy move.
Yeah, Wild Vanilla Ice.
A black guy move.
You know, Earthquake.
They all have cool names.
Lil Wayne.
You've got to have a cool name for a black guy.
Right.
Very few comics have done that.
Earthquake's one of the few.
You know, we had Hamburger for a minute.
Larry the Cable Guy.
There you go.
Yeah.
There's a white guy doing it.
Dice Clay.
Yes.
That's a fake name.
Right.
So a couple guys did it.
Yeah, Dice Clay is just Dice.
I just call him Dice.
He just kind of turned into Dice.
Yeah.
He just is Dice now.
Well, most people don't know that he was Andrew Silverstein.
Yes.
And the Dice Man was one of many characters that he did on stage.
Travolta, Jerry Lewis.
Yeah.
He did a bunch of guys.
Oh, he's got great impressions, man.
He's a talent.
He's a talented guy.
He's not just a talented guy.
That guy is a legitimate performance artist.
Yes.
He does performance art on the street for fun, for no money, and he's literally
mocking the
fact that he's not famous.
Yes.
That's comedy.
He's the most ego-free version of that shit.
I opened for him once, and I was kind of nervous.
He's a legend.
And I went up to him, and I was like, hello, Mr. Dice.
Just letting you know I'm your opener.
He goes, you want a picture?
I'm like, no, I'm just letting you know I'm your opener.
How much time do you want me to do?
He goes, you want a picture?
And I'm like, I don't need a picture.
How much time do you want me to do?
He goes, get over here.
And he gets me in a headlock and takes a picture.
And I just didn't know how much time to do, but he was fucking with me.
He gave me great advice in the 90s.
I was doing news radio, and I was just doing the store and the Laugh Factory
and the improv.
He was like, you should do the road.
And I said, really?
I go, why?
He goes, you don't want to be relying on these fucking jerk-offs to make your
living.
He goes, you're a funny comic.
He goes, you could be headlining all over the country, making a good living.
You don't need these fucking people.
That's really nice.
It was the smartest thing that anybody ever taught me.
You got to do the road.
I had to do the road.
Because I was doing like 15-minute sets, and then I never was really headlining
for a few years.
And I did back when I lived in New York, and then all of a sudden, I was like,
you know, he's right.
And then I started really putting together an hour, like a solid hour on the
road, and it got way better.
My act got way better.
And then I realized, like, if a show gets canceled, I can still make a living.
Right.
You know, like, whereas everybody who just works in those poor comics that stop
doing the road and then become writers, that's even worse than being an actor.
A thousand percent.
Because nobody knows who you are.
Right.
And you're completely reliant on the scene to feed you.
And then you have a mortgage.
Right.
Maybe you have a family.
You have a wife and kids.
I know.
Maybe you have college you have to pay for.
Those writers' rooms are cushy, though.
You get air conditioning.
You get snacks.
And you get health care.
You get a paycheck.
And you go into an office every day.
But you're writing the funny stuff that that other person says.
True.
And in the back of your head, you know.
Like, the reason why it's funny is because of my mind.
Yeah.
And no one knows who I am.
I know.
It's a velvet prison.
And then you see these 65-year-old comics back on the funny bone train because
they got to make money.
And no one knows who they are.
And they can't sell a ticket.
They can't sell a ticket.
That is a bummer.
It's a bummer.
Yeah.
And all these guys that miss the podcast train, too.
Ooh.
A lot of those guys, like, they've kind of abandoned the bitterness.
But years ago, guys were really bitter.
I remember that.
Like, are you a comic?
Are you a podcast?
Right.
Well, I can't do both?
What am I doing all day?
Yeah.
It's a cheat code.
People get to know you.
Yeah.
They listen to you every day or every week.
Yeah.
And then you get to go to their town.
Yeah.
And in conversation with people, you come up with ideas.
That's true.
That's a big one.
That's true.
Yeah.
I mean, I think this podcast saved the store.
Oh, yeah.
100%.
I was a part of it.
I know for a fact it did.
It changed everything.
You had all those guys.
Santino, Theo, all those.
A hundred percent.
Chrysler.
A hundred percent changed the store.
And it changed everybody's attitude towards each other because instead of being
competition,
like, we're all struggling to try to get this one spot on a sitcom or this one
host of a show.
Instead, we're all like an asset to each other because we're guests on each
other's show.
Hey, could you help me promote my Netflix special?
Yeah, come on.
Right.
And everybody's an asset.
Yes.
Everybody helps everybody.
They help.
Yeah.
You're a guest on theirs.
They're a guest on yours.
And it's so low maintenance.
Yes.
You just set it up in a hotel room and put it out.
And people love it because they love real conversations.
Yeah.
And it's hard to get those in this weird world where everybody's communicating
on social media.
Well, it makes you think that.
Maybe that's why actors have to play ball.
Because they don't have this thing to rely on.
So they got to, you know, play the game and bullshit each other.
The sane ones that I talk to, they talk about the deep pain that it gives them
having to fucking acquiesce to these people.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I just did, you know, I'm doing this crazy press tour with the special.
I just did a late night show and it was fun.
You do the couch.
You put makeup on.
You put on a nice jacket and you yuck it up for the live audience.
But you're just sitting there going, that guy's got a headset and a clipboard.
What is she doing over there?
He's like a page.
He's an intern.
It's so much wasted money.
So much wasted money.
And you're like, no wonder these are kind of going away.
Yeah.
It's unnecessary.
Well, that was the thing about the complaint about the Colbert show being
canceled.
They're like, you're censoring, you're censoring speech.
But Colbert show is losing CBS 40 to 50 million dollars a year.
Hmm.
Jesus.
That's wild.
Well, who watches it?
I mean, I mean, no offense to these guys.
They're all super talented, whatever.
But it's like.
The idea that they're supposed to keep that thing on the air while they're hemorrhaging
money
from it is crazy.
And the guest is just like a crapshoot.
Who are we getting today?
Snooki?
Oh, great.
I'm not going to watch that.
I couldn't think of anybody relevant.
But, you know, they got to sit and talk to Snooki.
You got a book out, huh?
Who's going to watch that?
That was Bill Hicks' old joke about Jay Leno killing himself.
Do you remember that joke?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're sitting down next to Joey Lawrence.
Hey, you got a girlfriend?
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
And then he sticks an Uzi in his mouth and it blows out his brains.
Right.
They form an NBC peacock.
Yes, yes, exactly.
Because he's a company man to the bitter end.
Well, that's why Conan, he saw the writing on the wall and he said, I'm
starting a pod.
Yeah.
Well, he also left and did the TBS show, which was like way less pressure.
You know, that was a good move.
That's true.
Because he still got to do his own show and people watch it that are fans.
It still kept an audience, but he still stayed himself.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
He's a smart guy.
He's a smart guy and he's super funny.
Very funny guy.
He helped me a lot in the early days, too.
Yeah, I was on his show way, way back in the day.
A friend of mine was a writer on his show in the very beginning.
And when I went to the filming, their banter was all planned out.
They had these big post boards with all the dialogue.
And someone would be standing behind, what was the other guy's name?
Richter?
Yeah, Andy Richter.
Someone would be standing behind Andy Richter and someone would be standing
behind Conan.
And so they would read the things that they were going to say.
It was all scripted out.
I was like, oh, this is crazy.
That's funny because when I did this late night show, they call you at like 10
in the morning.
Like, what do you want to talk about?
It's a, what do you call those guys?
Like the producer guy who gives you the, and he's like, what about this?
I'm like, nobody cares about that.
He's like, let's talk about your writing process and how you got into stand-up.
I'm like, that's just hack shit that's been done to death.
Exactly.
Let me riff.
Let me riff.
I'm a comic.
Yeah.
Well, I did the Bob and Tom show once.
Oh.
They tried to do that to me.
The producer got upset at me.
Bob and Tom were great.
Yeah, yeah.
The pros.
The producers were upset with me.
He was visibly upset.
He goes, well, what are you going to bring up?
Yeah.
And I go, I don't know.
He's like, you don't know.
I go, we're going to have fun.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah.
I've done this a fucking million times.
Exactly.
Just go in there and have a good time.
Don't worry about it.
I did it once.
I was so green that they made me write on Loose Leaf setups.
And I wrote like eight setups.
So then he'd be like, so I hear you have a dog.
And I'm like, yeah.
And I do my dog bit.
Oh, it's horrible.
I know.
It was like school.
That used to be all morning radio, guys doing their act on the radio.
Yeah.
It was terrible.
Terrible.
Terrible.
Fake.
You know what changed that?
Opie and Anthony.
Oh, yeah.
Opie and Anthony was the beginning of podcasts.
Not Stern?
No.
Stern was the beginning of free speech.
Stern was the beginning of like being wild on the radio.
He's the goat.
Like if it wasn't for him, none of this, we would have no podcast.
Well, I don't know if we wouldn't have a podcast, but the evolution of it would
have been stalled
radically.
Yeah.
He was the guy that stuck his neck out.
He was the guy that got fined like during the Bush administration.
People forget about that.
They were going after him for indecency.
Oh, yeah.
Blast.
Well, not blasphemy.
Obscenity.
Uh-huh.
They were fining the fucking stations and insane amounts of money.
Right.
But he was so big that he stayed alive and survived that.
But then Opie and Anthony came along and it was totally different.
It was just wild and loose.
Yeah.
And it was just Norton and Voss and Patrice and-
Louie, Quinn.
Louie and all of us.
DiBolo.
And Ari and we would all go in and I loved going there.
Yeah.
I loved going.
And then when Anthony started doing live from the compound.
So he had this sick house in Long Island.
They made a ton of money.
Oh, yeah.
And he had this sick house in Long Island and he built his own studio in his
basement so
he could live stream.
Oh, wow.
And he had like Guinness on tap and he had like real professional microphones
and cameras.
And it was nuts.
Freedom.
And I was like, wow, that's it.
Like, and they were trying to get him to stop doing it.
Really?
They were saying, yeah, this is violating your con-
He goes, I'm not making any money off of this.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm just doing it.
Love of the game.
And they were upset that he was doing this on the internet.
Wow.
Yeah.
And so he and then Tom Green.
Tom Green was a big one.
Oh, yeah.
That was a big one.
He did his internet show.
Yeah.
But it was just totally loose.
Like, there was no asking you what you wanted to talk about when you were
sitting on the
couch.
He just came in and hung out.
Yeah.
And Tom Green's a funny guy and he's smart and loose and we're having a good
time.
And I was like, this is it.
This is the future.
He was weird, innovative.
He got ball surgery on air.
Remember that?
He had ball cancer and he did the surgery on the show.
Did he really?
Yeah.
He was ahead of the game.
But these TV shows are so weird because they want comics on, but they don't
want you to
be a comic.
Right.
These morning shows are like, oh, what's up, funny man?
And you're like, well, I had told.
And they're like, cut it, cut it.
You know, I'm just being me.
They're just scared.
You had me on.
They get scared.
You know, they get scared of losing their job.
I mean, those people are really scared because they don't, nothing.
All they have is like, hey, good morning.
Right.
It's five past the hour.
You know, here's Tom with weather.
Yeah.
It's like a bullshit fake gig.
Yeah.
Anything can take it away from them.
So all the stuff that they rely on, their fucking membership of the country
club.
Right.
All that stuff could go away at any moment.
They're all, they live terrified.
That's a prison.
I know.
You might as well be a weatherman.
Yeah.
And even the weatherman, same thing.
Yeah.
That's a good gig, though.
I guess.
I mean, you just eight minutes and go, oh, the Doppler, huh?
You do some hand movements and then you're done.
Yeah.
It's just, you live in hell.
We're lucky as fuck.
We're very lucky.
And I'm very grateful.
We're lucky as fuck.
But this, this platform, like the podcast platform that we all enjoy, that we
all do,
wouldn't have existed without Opie and Anthony.
Opie and Anthony was the first time where comics got together and was, it was
completely loose.
Yeah.
It was just, there was no figuring out, like, what we're going to say.
Everybody was just riffing.
They're all shitting on each other.
And then when it went to XM, it was amazing.
Yeah.
Because then you could swear.
Right, right.
Oh, my God.
It got crazy.
If you've never heard it, go on YouTube and watch it.
There's some fucking comedy gold on there.
Gold.
Especially the Patrice episodes.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
He was so good.
That's where he really shined.
You know, him and Louis together talking about Black versus Mexican was amazing.
And they do one episode where they talk about where the N-word came from.
And Louis goes, well, I think it was just a bunch of guys being N-words.
You never heard shit like that.
Right.
That was comedy gold.
Well, you could be free.
And then Tough Crowd.
Yeah, that was another one.
Another one.
Another kind of situation.
Yeah, yeah.
Where comics just got together and Colin Quinn was hosting it.
And he's hilarious.
And everybody's just riffing and fucking around.
And Norton's chiming in.
Yes.
Nick DiPaolo's chiming in.
And Greg Giraldo when he was alive.
Oh, brilliant guy.
Oh, he was great.
Yeah, but comedy's weird because I got my special out.
It's only been out like a day or two.
But I'm getting all these nice messages.
I love that bit.
I love that bit.
And those are the bits that didn't really do as well as some of the other ones.
Isn't that weird how that works?
Well, sometimes people just like something clever that's different than the way
they think.
Like, oh, I like that.
Right, right.
If it isn't, you know, there's bits that are just hilarious.
And there's other bits that just make me smile.
Like, that's fucking great.
That's a great bit.
That's true.
Just like Hicks said that once.
Like, if it's not going to be funny, at least make it interesting.
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah.
Be funny, but just be you.
But if you can be both.
Yes.
That's the winner.
That's the key.
That's the key.
Yeah.
And it's just this fucking constant dance.
And then as soon as it's over, oh my God, I'm starting from scratch.
Oh, that's where I'm at.
I got the special out.
I'm back to square one.
I'm the worst comic in America right now.
You're going to be at the club tonight?
I'll be there.
Joey's at the club tonight.
Oh.
Joey Diaz is headlining.
I don't want to follow him with my horse shit.
No, he'll be headlining.
Okay, great.
No one has to follow him.
He's a fucking animal.
He is.
He's on fire right now.
Really?
He's on fire.
Yeah, because he's been doing these residencies.
He's been doing casinos in Philadelphia.
Oh, boy.
He's been doing shows all around New York and New Jersey.
Yeah.
He's killing it right now.
Oh, good.
I'm still trying to get him to move out here.
I'm trying.
I can see that.
I'm going to have to get him a place.
I think I might have to buy a place.
A little warm out here, though.
He's a sweaty Cuban.
Yeah, he'll deal with it.
Cube is hot, too.
That's a good point.
I mean, really right now.
He doesn't really complain about heat that much.
All right.
Joey complains about assholes, pussies, these fucking mokes, these white people.
Joe Rogan, you're around these fucking white people too much.
Yeah, well, New York's the weirdest because you walk by a hobo jerking off, and
then I'll
tell a zinger and people are like, easy.
Isn't that weird?
I'm like, there's a dead guy on 3rd Street in the subway you took here, and
then I tell
a joke and people are like, whoa, buddy.
Well, it'll turn around.
It just has to.
Culture goes in these big waves.
It's like a seesaw.
It goes up.
It goes down.
It goes back.
It goes forth.
It just feels like with young people, it's an HR vibe in the young world.
Well, you think that's the world they have to live in every day at work.
Yeah, that's a good point.
They go from the university where they're taught that shit, and then they go to
a job
where they're taught that shit, and that shit can actually help them get ahead.
Right.
And if you enforce it, like people are like, oh, they're scared.
They'll help you.
They'll move you ahead.
Yeah.
You know, if you push these values and push these ideas, like, it'll help.
And then there's people that are, their whole job is just enforcing that stuff
in the workplace.
And those people are fucked up.
Those are scary people.
HR people are the wackiest nuts on the planet.
Oh, those are the scary people, because those are the fucking, the hall pass
monitors.
Right.
You know?
Right.
It's kind of like Asian porn.
You know, Asians are the most repressed people, and their porn is bananas,
because they got
to get it out.
You know what's nuts about some of their porn?
They have to blur out the genitals.
I know.
Silly.
Help me out.
What are we doing here?
Help me out.
Yeah, that's a tiny pixel.
Like, I don't get to see her asshole where she's shitting in a guy's mouth.
This is crazy.
That's funny.
This is legitimately crazy.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, like in the 90s, you couldn't say fuck, but you could say the N-word
on TV.
Interesting.
Yeah.
Saturday Night Live.
Exactly.
Right.
You could say the N-word.
That Chevy Chase, Richard Pryor thing?
Yes, exactly.
But you couldn't say fuck at all.
Right.
At all.
So it's funny how we take certain, that's okay, but not that.
I know.
People are always looking to tell people what to do.
Yeah.
That's really what it is.
And that's not new.
They're always looking to define people as being worse than them.
Like, that's a bad person.
Right.
I'm a good person.
Yes.
And they're always looking to tell people what to do.
Yeah.
That's as old as time, you know.
Yeah, sure.
These old, you know.
But it just keeps shifting.
Like in the 50s, you couldn't have a man and a woman in the same bed, but you
could smoke
in front of a baby.
And now you can have people fucking on TV, but smoking is like, they have a
disclaimer.
There's always going to be bitches in this world ruining it for everybody.
No matter what you do, there's always going to be people that try to find a
loophole,
try to find some fucking cheat code, sneak their way to the top, take Ozempic,
do what
they got to do.
I guess so.
But we're all going to die one day, folks.
You might as well have a good time.
You should be having a good time before you die.
Yeah.
Don't wait until you die and go, I should have had more fun.
Yeah.
Well, don't have too much fun.
Burt Kreischer's, he quit drinking.
He had to.
He was dying.
He got blood clots.
Yeah.
Probably from the facts.
He took four of those fucking things.
Really?
Yeah.
He had to keep taking them because he was doing projects.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
They kept telling him he needs another booster in order to do this new thing.
Well, what happened to his tour bus?
What happened to his tour bus?
Oh, J-Mo.
His tour bus caught on fire.
When did this happen?
I think three days ago.
Oh.
And they got a flat tire and then just randomly, like, I think they got another
ride and
like, while they were getting the ride, it caught on fire.
What happened?
They could have been in there.
I think he might be smartly saving it for a podcast or something.
Oh, well, it's all over the news, too.
Yeah, they just showed the fire, but I don't think that they've said, like,
what caused it.
He did a big Instagram live about it.
I didn't watch it, but yeah, that thing is torched.
It looks like Gaza footage.
Where's the type of guy I might light his tour bus on fire just for clicks?
Look at that.
Whoa.
Comedian Burst Crusher's tour bus destroyed by fire in Minnesota.
Yeah, the fucking Antifa got him.
Yeah.
Minnesota's cursed, man.
Fire is unknown.
Yeah, Antifa.
I'm calling it.
I'm calling it.
It's the anti-ice people.
We're all safe, but my bus is gone.
God works in mysterious ways.
What?
Oh, he lit it on fire.
Come on.
As soon as you say God works in mysterious ways.
Look at that thing.
That's nuts.
Something can't stop the machine.
Wow, that's crazy.
Something's burning.
That's got to suck, because that was a very expensive, expensive tour bus.
Yeah.
He was always on that thing.
Oh, my God.
That is crazy.
I have never had the desire to get a tour bus.
I don't like it either.
I'm open for Bert on the bus, and it's fun, but I couldn't do that all day,
every day.
Well, I don't get hammered like he does, so it's like this idea of just touring
around.
But my friends that are musicians, like Sturgill Simpson, he loves being on the
bus.
Yeah, some people love it.
He said it's like a living room that you travel around in.
They're all strumming along, singing songs, partying, laughing, watching movies.
I guess that's nice.
Give me a flight.
I'll get there in 10 minutes.
Exactly.
You're traveling all night.
I need to go to the gym.
I need to eat steak.
Right.
Nice restaurant.
I don't like doing that.
I'm with you, and that bed is like a coffin.
Yeah.
And you feel the bump of the road, and you're like, oh, we could just turn off
any minute and
on the highway.
You think about crashing.
Exactly.
What about that guy driving falls asleep?
Oh, and those aren't the most stand-up guys driving those, but they're like ex-cons
and pedophiles
and whatnot.
It's weird.
Also, I've never done those long tours like that.
I don't like those.
I don't either.
I think they're bad for you.
Well, also, we got kids, so I like to get in, get back.
Get in, get back.
Yeah, I've always done that.
I've always done like a week.
Except one time, I did the Maxim comedy tour with Charlie Murphy and John Heffron.
Whoa.
We did 22 dates in a month, and I hated it, because I'd be waking up, and I'm
like, where
am I?
I didn't know where I was.
You're right.
Because you're always on the road.
22 dates is crazy.
It was nuts.
In a row.
It was nuts.
You don't even know what day it is.
But by the end of that month, whoo, you're sharp.
You're tight.
Oh, you're sharp.
Yeah.
You're just out there murdering.
You're just like, your timing is on point.
Everything is just rock solid.
And in a weird group, Heffron, Murphy, and you?
Yeah.
That's a lot of range.
It was fun.
Heffron's funny.
He's fun.
He's really funny.
Clean, too, I think.
Well, he mixes it up.
He's not clean offstage.
Offstage is hilarious.
He's just hilarious, period.
He's a really good joke writer, too.
And this was like, he had come off of Last Comic Standing.
Right.
He won that.
Right.
And then Charlie was the best.
Oh, yeah?
Charlie, she was such a good dude.
Really?
Such a real man.
Yeah.
Just a real, solid dude.
Well, Eddie Murphy always talks about he was kind of his protector.
Like, if he talked shit about Eddie Murphy, he would just go beat you up.
Oh, yeah.
Well, Charlie was a legitimate martial artist.
Oh, is that?
I didn't know that.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He fought in karate tournaments and shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, we talked a lot about martial arts.
Wow.
He knew his shit, for sure.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Yeah.
I just thought he was a street guy.
No, he knew how to fight.
He was a dangerous guy.
But just a nice guy.
Just a solid human being.
I didn't even know he was sick, man.
I had no idea until he died.
Cancer?
He kept it quiet.
Just like Norm did.
Yeah.
No one knew.
Norm was talking about moving to Austin.
No way.
He was talking about coming out here.
Yeah, man.
Wow.
And then just fucking died.
That's so commendable in this, like, victim culture.
He could have gotten so much, so many points off that, and he just wrote it out.
Apparently, he had been fighting cancer for a long time.
Yeah.
And if you look at him, like, when he got real puffy for a while, that was
probably what was going on.
Oh.
Yeah.
He was probably battling cancer.
If you watch his old, I'm talking 80s clips, he's holding his stomach, like on
Letterman, because he had stomach cancer.
Whoa.
And that's why he always touched his stomach, because I think it hurt.
He had it for that long?
He had it, because he had it, and then he kind of beat it, and it came back.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Crazy.
He's a hero.
Oh, man.
Is there a funnier guy than Norm?
I mean...
One of the funniest guys of all time.
Funny on a podcast, funny on stand-up, funny in movies.
Funny talking to him in the hallway at the store.
Yes, yes, exactly.
And just a great guy, man.
Oh, yeah.
A great guy.
And, you know, and would go after people who were cunts online, too.
Yeah, he did.
Seth Simon guy, went after him.
Oh, really?
Yeah, one day I'm going to meet you in real life.
Whoa.
He wrote Shane a nice...
Shane showed me the email after he got in trouble.
He's a solid...
He was a solid dude.
He was a real solid.
And fucking funny, man.
So brilliant.
So funny.
Enlightened.
And he was like a Dostoevsky reader, you know?
And everybody thought he was this, you know, dumb guy.
I sat next to him randomly on a flight twice.
Don't do the smoking story.
I did already.
All right, all right.
We've all heard it too many times.
Sorry.
But just randomly sitting next to him on a flight.
It was like...
It was such a treat.
That's a gift.
Just to hang out with him for fucking hours on a plane.
Just laughing and talking.
Ah, Joe.
He was great.
Yeah.
Joe over here.
Solid dude.
There's good people out there.
Yeah.
They exist.
Yeah.
He was great.
Yeah.
And he changed Weekend Update.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, the fact that he got fired for being funny.
He told the truth.
He told the truth about OJ killing his wife.
And he got in trouble.
Is that what happened?
That's what it was.
Is that how he got fired from Weekend Update?
Because Olmeyer was like the head of NBC.
And he was friends with OJ.
Oh.
So he was like, stop shitting on OJ.
He's a friend of mine.
He's like, I can't.
He's a murderer.
That's crazy.
Yeah.
You told him to stop shitting on OJ?
And he kept doing it and he got fired.
Really?
That's what it was.
That's crazy.
Let me hear what he said.
Back it up.
Well, it is finally official.
I'll be honest.
We can't.
You can't play it?
Okay.
Okay.
We'll get in trouble.
Yeah.
You can see it.
It's amazing.
He's got a whole compilation.
Let's wrap this bitch up.
Bring it home.
All right.
Mark Norman.
You're the man.
Appreciate you, brother.
New special.
Check it out.
New special out on Netflix.
I know it's hilarious.
I watched you work out some of the material.
It's called None Too Pleased.
It's available now.
As of the time we're talking, it's number five.
I'm sure it'll boost the fuck up after this.
Hell yeah.
Kick it up a notch.
And I'll see you tonight.
Thank you, sir.
Let's fucking go.
Comedy.
Comedy.
Bye, everybody.
Bye, everybody.
Bye, everybody.