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Matt McCusker is a comedian, writer, actor, and co-host of “Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast” with Shane Gillis. His most recent special, “Matt McCusker: A Humble Offering,” is streaming on Netflix. www.netflix.com/title/82014936 www.mssecretpodcast.com www.youtube.com/@mattmccusker9943 https://mattmccusker.substack.com www.mattmccusker.com
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Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.
A lot of people have lights on their tables,
got a light on their face to make them look more pretty.
Really?
Yeah, they have like a slight, like a opening in the table,
and then a light that gets on you
so you don't see like the shadows in your face
so you don't look shitty.
I feel like, isn't that what you do?
Like a scary story, you put a flashlight under your chin.
Yeah, but they're not trying to do that.
They're trying to like balance it out so you look flat.
That's crazy, man.
You look like what you look like.
Yeah, you got to give up after a while.
The weirdest shit is men who use filters when they take pictures.
That's insane.
There's comedian men that use filters.
Really?
Yes, it's very odd.
How do you know?
How do you tell?
Do you know what they really look like?
Yeah, duh.
And then you see them and they look like a cartoon.
Netflix does that with the pictures that they use when they promote your
special.
Like the picture of you.
They'll put that bitch through a filter.
That makes sense.
And you look so pretty.
Yeah.
And people see you after the show, you're like, you look horrible.
I didn't know you looked so bad.
You look so old.
Thanks, man.
I am so old.
I'm almost 60.
Dang.
I know.
It's crazy.
I'm 58.
I'm 40.
Just turned 40.
Those are real numbers.
Yeah, I know.
As soon as I had kids, I aged like immediately.
You would have thought I literally gave birth.
Yeah, well, there's lack of sleep.
Yeah, that's what got me.
Yeah.
You know what's really good for that?
Creatine.
I've been taking it.
Yeah, creatine, they say 20 grams a day.
Start like with five and work your way up to 20 and check to see how your butthole
holds up because the seal might be loose.
I've ran this experiment.
20 gets my guts going, man.
Bro, it does.
It does.
I don't do 20 in a dose.
I do 10 in the morning and 10 at night.
I did 20.
Because I was doing 20 in a dose and it was just like, everybody out of the
pool.
I'm also not convinced diarrhea is bad for you.
I swear to God, like not shitting for sure.
But diarrhea is just like, let's speed this up.
Well, isn't that what, is that consumption?
What is the disease where you can't stop having diarrhea?
Dysentery.
Dysentery, that's it.
Yeah.
Shit.
All right, well, if you can't stop having it, sure.
Well, that's like you can't digest food.
It just goes right through you and just shit constantly.
Now you shit starved?
Yeah.
That sucks, actually.
Yeah, it's not good.
Once a week, though, that's fine.
You know what I used to do?
I used to drink kale smoothies in the morning.
That was the first thing that I would do.
I would throw kale and garlic and like apples and shit in a blender.
And that's what I would drink first thing in the morning.
Yeah.
And boy, that is just like, that clears the pathway.
That's like, you know when you clear your rain gutters of leaves?
Yeah.
You get a hose on that bitch and you just fucking blow them off the top.
That's what it's like.
Yeah, I've done the green drink before.
It does get you.
I was vegan for like a month.
And that was like the biggest dumps.
But I actually got hemorrhoids from being vegan.
Oh, because on the toilet too much?
Because it was just that the turds were so big.
I was getting like blown out.
I got hemorrhoids from being vegan.
Was it taking too long to poop?
No.
Or was it just like, it was just spectacular?
It was just massive, bro.
Yeah, it was spectacular.
There were massive bowl winders.
It was like twice a day.
I was like an adult entertainer.
I was like, my body just gave out.
I just told the entertainer.
Well, when you think about it, it's all that fiber that your body doesn't
process.
But they say that that's what's good for keeping you clean, you know?
Yeah.
Fiber pushes everything out.
I'm back on the fiber train now.
I was all about protein now.
I'm like, yeah, I need my fiber now.
But it's hard to know who's right.
Because the carnivore people are like, you don't need fiber.
There's no need for fiber.
But then there's like, there's evidence that fiber is good for you.
Yeah, isn't that what your whole microbiome needs to like make the germs or
whatever that
are good for your brain?
I don't know.
I get confused as well.
But my balance is I eat a lot of kimchi.
I really like kimchi.
That's a move.
I eat that stuff all the time.
Kimchi and I eat sauerkraut.
That stuff's legit.
Yeah, I know that stuff's supposed to be good for you.
But yeah, I tried the carnivore and it was like, I first five days I felt cool.
And then like after, I think I made it to 17 days.
I was like, dude, if I just ate some vegetables with this, I'd be the healthiest.
I'd be the best guy in the world.
Because it was just like, I stopped pooping.
I was like, this can't be good for me.
Well, you don't poop much because there's no fiber.
So when you do poop, it's just boop.
Yeah, I remember.
I remember this all.
It's like rabbit pellets.
And you're like, where's the rest?
But I mean, isn't that a good thing?
Does it mean your body absorbed all of the food instead of like having all this
undigestible
stuff go through your digestive tract?
This is the argument that the carnivore people put.
Yeah.
I don't want anybody that's a nutritionist right now pulling their hair out.
Disinformation.
I'm just asking.
It's a solid question because it's like, yeah, it does food.
Does meat get stuck in your body and you need plants to push it out of your
butt?
Or will meat come out of your butt just like plants will?
Well, that was the thing that they would always say, that every man when he
dies has a pound
of undigested meat in his stomach.
Apparently that's not true.
Yeah.
That was the old thing about John Wayne.
Like John Wayne had 50 pounds of beef jerky in his butthole.
I've like thought about that since I was a little boy.
I've been wondering like how much are they going to find in me?
Yeah, that's true.
So it's not the case.
No, John Wayne just had a gut from probably beer.
Yeah.
You know, beer and pasta and bread.
True.
And, you know, normal American food.
Also, he was, I mean, when was, what was his heyday?
Like 50s, 60s or 60s, I guess 60s, 70s maybe?
When did he do that Genghis Khan movie?
That's what killed him.
What year was that?
50s, I think.
Yeah, because it's like those dudes weren't on like nutrition.
Yeah, like True Grit.
Yeah.
Those days, yeah.
Dude, they weren't being like, oh, how much fiber have I had today?
No.
No.
Yeah, they were, that was even in like the 90s, the dude didn't think about
what they're eating.
56.
56?
Wow.
That's one of the worst movies of all time.
You ever see it?
No.
It's Genghis Khan movie.
How did it kill him?
Oh, he filmed it in the same area where Nevada was doing their nuclear tests.
Everybody got cancer.
Damn.
Like the whole crew, like a giant number of people got cancer.
Yeah.
And that, I'm telling you, that was back when guys would be like, nuclear bomb,
I don't care
about.
Like they didn't, like I used to work with guys that do asbestos back in like
the 90s when
I was little.
Me, like my dad, my uncle's all day construction.
So we were like taking this barn down and I was like a little boy just like
hammering
nails into an A-frame and they shut it down because there was asbestos in there.
And there's this guy who was like, dude, your uncle's a pussy.
I'd eat that shit for breakfast.
I don't care about asbestos.
And it's like, I don't know.
Like now I grew up, I'm like, damn, thank God they shut that down.
But.
Well, there were so many things that caused cancer that no one knew about at
the time.
Yeah.
Like how about baby powder?
Yeah, dude.
I didn't know about that either.
Well, the thing is, what I think what the story is, is that where they mine the
talc, that
the talc is not always pure and the talc has other stuff mixed in it and they
don't filter
that stuff out.
Is it asbestos that it's mixed with?
I thought that stuff was cornstarch.
Run that into perplexity, please.
I thought it was cornstarch.
What?
Baby powder.
Baby powder?
No.
So it's talc.
No, it's talc, I believe.
Evidence of small but real cancer risk with some talc-based baby powders,
mainly due to
genital use, and possible asbestos contamination.
Yeah, that's it.
But the data are mixed and the absolute risk for any one person is low.
Talc itself is a mineral, can be mined near asbestos, so contamination is the
main worry.
Asbestos is a known cause of mesothelioma and other cancers.
Yeah, quite a few women.
I think there was a lawsuit.
I remember hearing that.
I remember I was dismayed because that was like, I had a weird thing when I was
younger.
I used to use baby powder to masturbate.
Yo.
Because it just makes everything feel so...
So it was kind of nice.
And if I smell baby powder to this day, it's like a trigger for...
Yeah.
If I smell it, I'm like, God damn, bro.
That shit away from me.
Well, I used to use it a lot to play pool.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, everybody would use baby powder.
You use baby powder on your fingers.
It makes the shaft slide through your fingers.
But then they invented gloves.
And so that keeps the table clean.
Yeah, yeah.
This is like, I guess they're...
I don't know what they're made out of.
It was like a nylon, like a very thin nylon.
So it's not getting called up.
It makes it nice and slick.
Yeah.
Yeah, but baby powder, no bueno.
What else?
They're saying LED lights now.
That's what I keep hearing.
LED.
They're saying it kills your mitochondria.
Aren't these LED?
Are these LED?
Fuck, do we have to change our lights?
Are we dying in here?
What is that?
LED lights and what?
I think they like crush your mitochondria.
Oh, jeez.
I don't know if I just get scared by AI clips on Instagram.
Bro, I'm scared of everything.
I have to fucking stay offline.
I know.
I'm reading too much of the news.
And it's overwhelming me.
Like sometimes at nighttime, like I can't wind down.
Yeah.
It's just like there's too much news.
It's too much fucking madness.
We're about to go to war with Iran.
I know.
Everyone's eating beef jerky and pizza.
Like what are these?
What the fuck is pizza?
I know.
You know, how far does this go?
How come this never got released before?
Like what is happening?
I mean, my thing is like I'm not.
First of all, the news for me is like aside from all like the disastrous wars,
it's just so like negative.
When you read the news is mostly people being like, guess who's a giant piece
of shit?
Right.
You read that over and over and you get like addicted to being like, yeah, that
guy sucks.
I'm good.
Well, there was an article that I read recently about people being addicted to
outrage.
That's a real thing.
Oh, for sure.
Being addicted to being upset about stuff and addicted to outrage.
You go search for it, which is why your algorithm shows you all that shit.
Yeah.
No, I mean, I don't know if this is true, but I feel like they watch your
facial expression
through your phone camera and feed you stuff if you're making like interested
or outraged
or whatever.
I wouldn't be shocked.
I've heard they like track your eyeball movement and they're like, okay, this
is holding his eyes
and they just keep feeding you.
Really?
I've heard that.
You should probably put a piece of tape over that bitch.
I know.
I know.
I wonder if you did, how much would change?
That'd be an interesting experience.
Well, they got your mic too, so they got your audio.
That's true.
But yeah, the new, dude, that, yeah, all that Epstein shit is like, I can't
follow it.
It's too much.
It's too much.
There's too many names.
I don't know state representative.
They're like naming all these people.
It's like, damn, I wish I knew who that was.
And it's dark too.
It's horrible.
And it goes so high.
There's so many levels to it.
You know, Sagar and Yeti was just on flagrant and they were reading off files
and talking
about the, and it's just like, what the fuck, man?
Yeah, it's, you need to study all day to like follow it.
Prince Andrew's crazy.
Him getting arrested.
He's the first, who, what other prince has gotten, it must have been like not
since 500
years ago.
Yeah, it was the last time a prince was arrested.
I have no idea.
And also he's, if he goes to jail, if he goes to real jail, he's getting clapped.
Yeah.
He's a known, you know, it's very, very likely that he was a pedophile.
If pedophiles go to jail.
Well, what do they know that they're putting him in jail first or they're
arresting him first?
Like, what do they know?
Because they did a bunch of things, right?
The first thing they do is they, they stripped him of his prince hood, right?
Exactly.
And then they banished him to some estate somewhere on the country.
And then they removed him from the estate.
They kicked him out of that state.
Yeah.
So it's been like levels upon levels.
So what do they know?
I think the royal family gets to see the real deal.
So they probably saw the real deal and were like, bro, you're fried.
You're going to jail.
And he, he'll be, he might be the first, he might get like clapped in jail.
Jesus.
Someone might get royal.
Royal asshole.
Yeah.
He's might get royal fucking bussy.
Do you think they'll, don't you think they have him in, did they have
protective custody?
For sure.
He'll be in productive custody for sure.
Do they have that over there?
They'll probably make a jail for him.
I would imagine they do.
I think anything we have here, I would imagine they have protective custody.
Because if you're even, if people even think you're a pedophile in jail, they're
going to, yeah.
Do you think that starts like a whole cascade and then a bunch of other people
start getting arrested?
No, I think they're going to hang him up and be like, we got them.
I don't believe that all these billionaires are going to let themselves get
arrested.
They have billions of dollars.
Paris prosecutors opened two new Epstein-linked investigations.
Uh-oh.
With who?
There is a, I think it's the Jean-Luc guy.
Who's that?
Who's a co-conspirator.
He was also, died at it.
He died in custody in jail.
God damn it, not again.
So they've reopened the investigation on that.
And somebody else, I think that they just found out that was high up in the, I
lost it here.
How did he die in jail?
I don't, I, officially?
Yeah.
Um, there you go.
He wasn't, he was found dead.
Okay.
He just found dead.
Oh, he died.
How old was he?
Um, at the time, what did he look like?
Um, dun, dun, dun.
Yeah.
And also the, uh.
76?
Oh, man.
Oh, that's about the time dudes like that die.
Yeah.
But they didn't ever, there's a probe and I think they, they've reopened the
probe also.
Of how he died.
Yeah.
That's going to be a tough one to solve.
Yeah.
You're going to have hit some roadblocks.
I wouldn't be surprised if somebody whacked him.
We were just talking about the guy that Epstein was in jail with, which is
crazy.
Like if Epstein is alive, some people think he's alive.
Some people think they, they scooted him out of his cell, switched to body
double, kill that guy.
But if, why would they put him in jail with that gigantic cop who was a
contract killer?
That fucking guy.
That's one picture.
Show me the picture of the tank top picture.
That's the one.
Whoa.
Bro, look at the size of that guy.
And this guy was a, he was a cop who was a dirty cop who was killing drug
dealers.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe that was the plan.
Be like, all right, we'll put him in here.
It'll sound good if this guy kills him.
Like, oh man.
And then 18 days before he died, he complained that his cellmate tried to kill
him.
What?
Yeah.
See if we can find that.
The mur, the different guy?
No.
Epstein did.
No, I'm saying they, was he complaining about the murderous cop or is this a
different guy?
Yeah.
That's crazy, dude.
I do.
That's crazy.
I do.
Also, how did he try to kill him and not kill him?
That's what I was just going to say.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Epstein slipped away and just like sat in the corner.
I mean, maybe he screamed loud enough and the guards came.
Yeah, but they would separate them.
The night Jeffrey Epstein claimed his cellmate tried to kill him.
So he laid in a fetal position on the floor of his gel cell, unresponsive with
an orange fabric noose.
Oh, this is when they found him.
18 days before Epstein's death, he wasn't breathing.
His eyes were opening.
Oh, so this was when they found him.
Oh, so they did find him in the fetal position?
Oh, no, this was the orange fabric noose.
That's when they found him dead.
Okay.
18 days before Epstein.
No.
Okay.
So it is saying that.
So it's saying that he had an orange noose tied around his neck 18 days before
he died.
What?
What?
What the fuck?
What?
So July 23rd, 2019, 18 days before Epstein's death.
He wasn't breathing, his eyes opening and shutting occasionally, but he wouldn't
or couldn't respond
to officers' questions and commands according to a confidential corrections
officer's memo obtained by CBS News.
They hoisted inmate 763-18-054 onto a stretcher.
Officials have repeatedly said Epstein's death, eventual death by suicide was
foreshadowed by this earlier alleged attempt.
Former Attorney General Bill Barr reiterated that claim in an August closed-door
deposition before the House Oversight Committee, which released the interview
transcript last week.
Barr, who did not reply to questions from CBS News, said in his testimony he
knew about the July 23rd incident, which he viewed as an attempted suicide.
Barr said he considered it indicative of Epstein's state of mind, but jail
staff memos, other never-before-reported documents obtained by CBS News, as
well as interviews with more than a dozen people who interacted with Epstein
before and after the incident, reveal a murkier picture than the one depicted
by Barr.
The new documents have surfaced amid persistent speculation over Epstein's
death, despite official conclusions that he died by suicide.
So, he's laying on the floor and his bunkie is screaming, I did nothing. I banged
on my door to get him out of my cell, the source said.
Corruptions officers carried Epstein to his cell on a different floor as he
remained unresponsive.
Was it the same cop, the contract killer cop? Yep, right?
He told him he thought he'd been attacked by his cellmate, an ex-cop who was
awaiting trial on four murders.
But they're saying that was an attempted suicide?
Well, they tried to frame it as an attempted suicide.
No, I would imagine he doesn't have a way to contact the outside world and just
tweet about this.
Yeah.
Right? He can't make an Instagram video.
Hey guys, this guy's trying to fucking kill me.
Yeah, true.
He sat up on the bed and began telling me that he thinks his bunkie tried to
kill him, a responding officer wrote in one memo.
A senior officer wrote in a separate incident report that Epstein initially
implicated his cellmate in the incident, claiming he had previously said things
that made Epstein feel threatened.
So, Nicholas Tartaglione, his cellmate, repeatedly disputed the initial allegation,
I did nothing, and said I tried to revive him.
As with Epstein's eventual death, any camera footage of the incident was either
mislaid, lost, or never captured by the facility's faulty system.
Tartaglione has not responded to emailed questions from CBS News.
How odd.
His lawyer said Epstein's initial claim that Tartaglione tried to kill him was
flatly not true.
Well, okay.
So, maybe he did try to, I mean, you know, there's a chance he did try to kill
himself and was like, shit, I don't want to get saved.
And then his guy saved him.
He said he saved him.
So, it says it right here.
Scroll back up a little bit.
Tartaglione said in a recent interview that Epstein also left a suicide note
and it even offered Tartaglione money to kill him.
What?
Neither of those details, if true, are referenced in any of the Bureau of
Prisoner Records that were reviewed by CBS News.
So, as we scroll up higher, it says he said he saved his life the first time.
So, it's saying that he saved his life.
He yelled when the guy, his attorney says this.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, he's saying he tried to kill himself once.
Yeah, but that's just his attorney saying that.
Yeah, for sure.
You know, Epstein claimed to both corrections officers and the source that he
felt threatened by Tartaglione, hulking retired cop turned drug dealer who was
charged and later convicted for four murders.
Just how could you take the most high profile defendant ever and put him in a
cage with a murderer?
Um, his bunkie told him that if he beat him up because of Epstein's child sex
trafficking charges, the officers would not report it.
Oh, that's what he told him.
The wealthy, allegedly, the wealthy former financier told jail officers that he
believed Tartaglione was trying to extort money from him and stated that if he
didn't pay him that he was going to beat him up.
The officer wrote, he stated that this has been going on for a week.
And then that guy saying Epstein was trying to pay me to kill him for himself.
You would have think they could find a middle ground, man.
Well, someone's lying.
Yeah, I know.
That's the craziest.
There's too many plot holes.
There's no way.
Imagine, like, who's saying, I'll pay you to kill me.
Yeah.
Also, it's like, wait, how are we going to do that?
How are we going to work this all out?
Yeah, but the guy's already, well, that, and then what's he going to do with
the money?
Exactly.
How's he going to get the money?
I guess you can give it if you know somebody, you know, you love, you can give
it to them, but.
Right, does he have money, or does all of his money go to the victim's families?
Like, he killed four people.
Shit, man, he might be right.
Right?
Yeah.
So it would have to be like an offshore account that, like, gets slipped over
to the prison so
he could buy cigarettes.
If anyone can do it.
If anyone can do it, it's Jeffrey Epstein, man.
But it would have to be worked out in advance.
Like, he would have to have the cigarettes in the commissary.
Yeah.
Okay, time to kill you.
Dude, it's too, you know, I think it's just one of those things, and I don't
know if people
can, you know, want to wrap their heads around it, but there's just people who
do things in
this world on behalf of, like, you know, Uber billionaires that we're just
never going to
know what's going on.
For sure.
They do horrible, terrible secret stuff.
And they always have.
Yeah, always.
This is the thing, if, like, you go throughout history, there's always been
secret societies
and people that get together at creepy meetings, all that eyes wide shut shit
that Qbert put
in his film.
That's not, he's not imagining that.
No.
That's always been a thing.
The officer that discovered his body dead in August was originally charged with
falsifying
documents related to his death, but those charges were dropped.
Hmm.
I wonder what the falsifying of the documents was.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Who knows?
Maybe people charged it to try to open up the paperwork or whatever.
Here it is.
Because Epstein was on suicide watch after the July 23rd incident, Thomas was
required
to record a log of observations about Epstein in 15-minute increments.
Those notations were released by the Bureau of Prisons in 2023, along with just
one entry
he made in the log, a note made at 2.15 a.m., 45 minutes after the incident.
15 minutes later, at 2.30, Thomas wrote, inmates sitting on bed trying to
remember what
happened.
Huh.
Yeah, man.
So this is when he got attacked, the first time that he survived.
Huh.
Yeah, they claim once he got into the separate cell, he was trying to fall
forward on his
head, or sat on the edge of the bed and began moving forward as if he was
attempting to fall
over head first.
Huh.
He was told to stop, don't do it again, and he gave a thumbs up.
That's how they confirm he was trying to commit suicide.
So he's going to try to commit suicide by falling straight on his head?
That's impossible.
That's literally impossible.
Ooh, fall on your face.
You might be able to pull it off.
That's crazy.
You would block, for sure.
Right.
There's no way you can just do a sail.
I was, like, thinking about this the other day.
I was walking off my steps.
I was like, even if I tried, I couldn't do, like, a swan dive onto the cement.
Your body wouldn't let you do it.
Yeah, you would resist just enough to be paralyzed for the rest of your life.
Yeah, you would get fucked up, for sure.
I don't know.
I think you would just kind of flatten out and flail.
Yeah, because guys die all the time in street fights when they get knocked out,
and then
they fall, and they hit their head on the concrete.
Dude, it happened before I left Philly a year or so ago.
There was a guy just walking his dog off leash, and this guy was like, put your
dog on
leash.
They got into work.
They started arguing, and a guy punched him, and he hit his head and died.
And then my brother went on an online date with the fiance of the guy who died
and, like,
learned throughout the date, like, oh, shit, you're the lady who was married.
Oh, what a bummer of a date.
It was pretty fucking sad, actually.
Oh.
He, like, put it together, and he's like, oh, fuck, he died.
That sucks.
How long after that was the date?
I think it was maybe a year and a half.
It had been some time, you know.
Not enough to stop the crying.
Yeah, I mean, you got to pick it up at one point, especially if he died like
that, man.
Got punched on a dog walk and died.
I don't know.
Dog walk with a helmet in Philly?
If I was a lady, I'd be like, oh, fuck, I dodged a bullet.
Oh, God.
My husband could have just died.
Yeah, that's scary, though, man.
That's, yeah, the whole thing of, like, altercations and people popping off to
each other anymore is just, like, I was walking down the street recently, and,
like, you know, I had the right of way.
I walked, and I didn't even, like, rush in front of the car.
The car pulled up and was like, get the fuck out.
He threatened to shoot me in the face.
I was just like, what the hell, man?
Yeah, it was like he had pulled off far enough.
He's like, I'll shoot you in your fucking face.
And I was just like, please don't, like, you know, what the fuck, man?
What are you doing?
Bro, you never know who's unhinged.
I know.
You never know what's going on in that life, divorce, fucking this, that, just
got fired, about to go to jail.
Who knows?
Yeah.
Who knows?
Dude, yeah.
Best friend was fucking your wife.
Could be literally anything.
Yeah, it's just like, I never, it's like, yeah, whatever, man.
So many people are barely hanging on out there, doing something all day they
hate.
Yeah.
Just fucking tired.
Life's in a shambles.
Dude, I don't, and especially, like, people just talk shit to strangers.
Like, you have no idea who that person is.
My, I don't know, you know, who knows if this is, like, just, like, an old
construction worker tale,
but my dad was telling me some guy he knows, his mom or whatever, or, like, you
know, his friend's mom was at the grocery store.
Someone back, they were, like, both going for a parking spot.
It was, like, an old lady, and the guy was, like, fucking bitch, get the hell
out, blah, blah, blah.
Started cursing her out.
Her son came out of jail for, like, you know, like, he was, like, a biker, all
this stuff.
And they all, like, knew each other in the neighborhood.
Apparently, the guy who had, like, cursed out the mom, they were, like, nobody
ever saw him again.
Lee.
So, if that's true, it's, like, gee, I always think about that.
I'm, like, dude, that's, you know, you just can't be, you shouldn't yell at an
old lady anyway, but you just have no idea who you're dealing with.
Right.
Just might as well chill.
That was one of the creepier things about the Epstein emails or the files, the
data.
It was that he ordered 330 gallons of sulfuric acid after he'd been indicted.
What does that do?
Dissolves bodies.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Oh.
So, they were trying to speculate that, like, maybe that was for his desalination
system that he had.
He had, like, a water system.
The, some sulfuric acid cleans it out.
But then Jamie looked into it.
He had only ordered it, like, once before ever, but never that much.
Yeah.
That's terrible.
Also, he lives in, near the oceans.
Like, why don't you just go in the ocean and just, you gotta get rid of bodies.
You live on an island.
You just go out to water.
Yeah, but they could find it.
Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah, they might find it.
Yeah.
You can't have that.
True.
Especially if enough that you need a bunch of acid.
Do they have a lot of sharks down there?
I would think.
Yeah.
Like, the Bahamas, right?
It's, like, Bahamas area?
Yeah, I would think so.
There's, like, sharks in Florida.
I was just in Florida.
Florida's a lot of sharks, especially bull sharks.
Yeah, exactly.
I was swimming.
I brought my friend with me to do shows, and he was like, ah, I'm worried about
sharks.
I'm like, there's no fucking sharks out here.
And we got back, and the Uber driver was like, yeah, this is, like, shark
season right now.
I was like, ah, fuck, my bad.
Shark season?
Yeah.
And I think it's the bull sharks.
They see them all the time down there.
Bull sharks are scary.
They're the ones that they think are responsible for the murders in New Jersey
that inspired Jaws.
Really?
Yeah.
How big do they get?
They don't get as big as, like, great whites, but the thing about them is they
can swim in fresh water.
Ech.
So those murders that, uh, murders, those deaths by shark in New Jersey in,
like, the early 1900s, they were in a river.
What?
Yeah.
So these people were swimming in a river, and they got killed by sharks.
Yeah, you would never expect it either.
Bull sharks are, like, very aggressive, too.
Are they really?
Super aggressive.
Dude.
Um, there's the Florida Keys, like, guys fish off the piers down there, and, uh,
it's really great fishing, but if you catch a big fish and you're struggling to
get it on the line, most likely a shark's gonna kill it.
Really?
Yeah, most likely you're gonna get it bitten in half.
there's, like, there's, like, there's, like, tons of videos of guys pulling in
fish, and the shark just snaps it in half while they're pulling it in.
That's terrifying, man.
They're all over the place down there, dude.
Dude, I went to Turks and Caicos.
Me and my family went down there, my kids.
We went snorkeling, and, you know, the guy takes us out, and he's like, hey, we,
like, you know, got in the area where we're gonna jump in.
He's like, hey, there's some baby sharks out there, um, you know, but they're
not gonna bother you.
So I'm like, what the fuck does that mean?
Exactly, and I have, like, I've had, like, two and a four-year-old with me, so
I jump in.
I'm like, let me suss it out.
I'm gonna go see.
Dude, I go down, and, like, these were, like, you know, they weren't, like, 18-foot
sharks, but they were, like, five, six, they were, like, big enough, but they
were 40, it was, like, probably 40 feet deep, and then they were, like, at the
bottom, but then another 50 feet away, and I was like, bro, I'm not bringing my
kids in here.
Yeah, I'm trying to find this video that my friend Adam sent me of, uh, sharks
in Florida.
Because I always give him shit, he lives in Australia, and I always give him
shit, like, bro, you live in a place filled with monsters, what the fuck are
you doing?
It's like, because it's true.
Florida has, uh, Florida has a lot, but Australia has more.
Australia has saltwater crocodiles, they have great whites, but he sent me this
video, and it's like, this is in America, mate.
And it's, uh, these guys are throwing, God, I can't find it.
These guys are throwing, um, fish into the water, right, no, I'm not gonna find
it.
They, they're throwing fish into the water right next to the shore, and it's
just sharks, like, piranhas, just smashing, and they're, like, off a dock.
Dude.
They're just, like, throwing fish scraps in there, and the fish, the sharks are
apparently used to it, I guess.
That's terrifying.
Yeah.
Dude, I, I.
Oh, here it is, I found it.
Nice.
Yeah, hold on, I'll send it to you, Jimmy.
Dude, dolphins, did you ever see a dolphin in real life?
Yes.
They're scary as hell, those things are huge.
I swam with them.
I did it, too, I was in Mexico, and I thought I was gonna be, like, you know,
gliding on two of them, I was, like, barely wanting to touch this thing.
I did it in Hawaii, and you jump off the boat, and you snorkel, and you get to
see them swimming on deer, it's really wild.
Check this out.
So this guy throws these scraps in the water, look at these sharks.
Goddamn.
How crazy is that?
Look at these things fight for this.
Look how many of them there are.
Yeah, that's, well, that's crazy.
Look how big they are.
Yeah, more than big enough to take your legs off.
Go ahead, dick wagon.
Throw it in.
Go ahead, dick wagon.
Why?
I'd be so mad if I was his neighbor.
I'd be like, dude, I'm trying to paddleboard, man.
Well, I think this is just what they do every day, which is why the sharks are
there in the first place.
I think when these guys get there, you know, when they fillet the fish, they
have the bodies, they just tuck the body overboard, and these sharks just
destroy it.
Yeah.
How spooky is that?
It's terrifying, dude.
Yeah.
That's Florida.
That's, that's crazy.
Where's Marco Island?
I don't know.
Where is that?
Where's Marco Island?
It's probably the Keys.
Probably.
That's fucking, that's awful.
Florida's filled with monsters.
Like that whole thing that they're doing with ice, where they've got that
alligator Guantanamo.
You know, they got a, they got their, they built a Guantanamo for detainees,
and then they surrounded it with alligator country.
Like a cartoon moat?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's fucking crazy.
Check this out.
Okay, so where is it?
It's like opposite.
It's of Miami on the.
Oh, okay.
Okay, so it's not, it's not the Keys.
It's just Florida.
Crazy.
Damn, so they have like a classical moat with alligators around it?
Well, it's not essentially a moat.
It's an island, I guess.
How did, how did they do it?
Did they build an island down there?
Is that what they did?
Somebody got a sweet contract to put that in there.
Calling it alligator Alcatraz.
Yeah, they call it alligator Alcatraz.
What does it look like?
Can you show us?
Damn, dude.
Alligators in Florida are everywhere.
They say there's not a like standing body of water that doesn't have an
alligator.
I know.
My friends were just at Disney World and they said they got a, they're like, is
there alligators
around here?
Like, yeah, we flush them out all the time.
One killed a kid a few years back.
I heard about that.
Yeah.
Reached up and just snagged it.
Bro, imagine your little toddler at Disneyland, just saw Cinderella, having a
good time.
That's got to be fast.
That's fast pass for life, though, for the rest of the family.
So that is all the Everglades.
And the Everglades is just filled.
Like, if you go walking, like, I'm out of here.
Fuck that.
Like, something's probably going to get you.
No.
The Everglades are so fucked because it's not just the alligators, it's also
the pythons.
There's giant pythons.
AI's so ruthless.
That's fucking alligators with ice hats on.
Dude, the pythons are another, because they catch you while you're sleeping.
So you lay down to sleep and you just wake up and you're just fucking toast.
Are there more pythons in the Everglades than there are anywhere in the world?
No way.
Because there's a half a million of them, they think.
Did you ever hear about Snake Island in Brazil?
No.
Dude, there's an island in Brazil that, I guess, like, whatever, you know, tectonic
plates or whatever moved.
And it used to be connected to the mainland.
It went out and all the snakes just got stuck on there with no natural
predators.
So what do they do?
They just eat each other?
Yeah, they just fight and eat each other.
And there's, dude, there's apparently a snake, like, every meter you move,
there's at least one snake.
What?
Dude, the images are terrifying.
They're, like, just piled on top of each other.
There are not more pythons in the Everglades than anywhere else.
The Burmese pythons' native range in Southeast Asia from India to Indonesia
supports far larger wild populations,
though exact numbers are hard to quantify due to their vast habitat.
Everglades context, Burmese pythons are invasive species.
Florida Everglades with estimates ranging from tens of thousands to 300,000
individuals across southern Florida
that are concentrated in Everglades National Park, where their density is
notably high.
Population exploded from a few snakes in the 90s to enveloping much of the
region by the 2020s,
driven by the release from pet trade and events like Hurricane Andrew.
Yeah, they had Hurricane Andrew apparently blew down a facility where they were
studying pythons.
No, and that's how they got out.
A bunch of them got out.
And then there's also people with pets, just assholes in death metal bands.
Yeah, they just dropped them.
Yeah, they just dropped them.
Well, that's how we, there's, um, whatchamacallit, parakeets here.
They're, like, an invasive species, and they think that happened, too.
Someone just, like, let their parakeets out.
Sure.
Now they're a problem here.
That's iguanas in Florida, too.
Yeah.
You know, they sell canned iguana meat in Florida now.
Really?
Yeah, buddy of mine lives in Florida.
He just sent me this.
He sent me, uh, he was at the supermarket, and they have, uh, iguana meat.
Probably not bad.
Dude, I'm telling you, the, uh, Snake Island, I, I was, like, I thought it was
fake.
My wife was telling me about it.
I'm, like, dude, you got tricked.
This has to be AI.
I looked it up, and it's, like, it's a real thing.
Let me see that iguana meat.
Yeah, I'm saying that.
I would, it would probably be good.
I've eaten gator before.
Gator's not bad.
This might be fake.
I think it is.
God damn it.
I'm Googling it.
There's a pizza restaurant that got in trouble for serving it.
Really?
But nothing else is popping up about canned meat.
They got in trouble for serving it?
Did they tell people they were serving it?
You know, because people eat them.
They hunt them and eat them all the time.
I was watching a YouTube video the other day where this guy was making, like,
stir-fried iguana meat.
Well, they get massive.
They get massive.
Yeah.
Yeah, and they apparently taste good.
Probably.
They're aggressive, too.
If you see them in the wild, they'll, like, charge after you.
They're nasty, man.
They're big.
Yeah.
Some of them get, like, four or five feet long.
Yeah, they're huge.
Which is nuts.
That was another animal I encountered in Turks and Caicos.
We did the shark swimming, and I was, like, all right, I let them, like, get
out of the way.
And then we went to this island that was just full of iguanas.
And they'll just run up on you.
Do you know in Florida, when it gets really cold, they just fall out of trees?
No.
That's hilarious.
Because sometimes Florida, it'll dip.
It'll get into the 30s.
And these fuckers just fall out of the trees.
They're stoned.
They just freeze and just drop.
They freeze.
And then they thaw out and come back to life.
What?
Yeah.
Fuck.
That's an ancient species.
Like, these are ancient creatures.
Damn.
So they, I thought they, I thought they need the, like, they're cold-blooded
and they die.
So they can just, I guess they can just chill and, like, freeze.
Well, so are alligators.
And alligators freeze in lakes sometimes with their mouths above the water.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
They have their nose and their eyes above the water, and they just, they're
frozen.
There's a bunch of images of these guys frozen in lakes.
I guess everything just slows down and they just chill.
They don't have to eat for a year.
What?
Yeah, they can go without eating for a whole year.
So how much do you think we really have to eat?
If alligators, if bears don't have to eat all winter, alligators can go one
year.
Like, do you think we're, I always think, like, do we have to eat every day?
Well, we definitely eat more than any people have ever have.
True.
Except, like, royals.
Yeah.
You know, that's why people are so tiny.
Like, you go back to, like, the Civil War, the average man was, like, 130
pounds.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah, because nobody had any food.
You know, nobody had any protein.
Yeah.
But if you think about, like, how much we eat morning, noon, and then evening,
hunter-gatherers, they got a meal a day.
Yeah.
You know, like, if you got lucky, you had a meal, and you ate as much as you
could
because there's no way to preserve it, and then you went out the next day
and hoped you got another animal.
Yeah, that's kind of wild.
You must have spent, like, 6,000 calories a day just trying to get one meal.
Yeah, and then other than, like, drying your meat out, there's no way to
preserve it.
So they would make jerky or, you know, like, I know in Mexico,
some friends of mine went down there, and they have this traditional way of
taking buffalo,
and they slice it, like, really, really thin, and then they hang it on, like, a
clothes hanger
and dry it out.
Really?
Yeah.
That's all we need to do.
Well, that's what they had to do.
They had to figure out how to dry stuff because, you know, there's no refri...
Man, how fucking hard life must have been with no refrigeration.
Dude, it would suck so bad.
Suck so bad, man.
I mean, that's like, when you go back to the turn of the century, all the
diseases were happening
in America.
Just think about it.
No running water.
Everybody's, like, shitting in holes in the ground outside the houses.
There's no ventilation.
There's no air conditioning.
Oh, yeah.
No vitamins.
Especially here.
How do people live in Texas?
Hard people, though.
I've been reading...
It must have been crazy.
Hard people.
Yeah.
Hard fucking people.
I've been reading Western...
I'm reading Lonesome Dove right now.
It's like an old classic Western, and they just talk about how hot they are all
day long.
It's just dust in their face, and it's like, dude, that shit would suck.
Especially if you don't live near a lake, so you can cool off a little bit.
Oh, no, there's like, yeah, they have like a spring house, and every time they
gotta get
water, there's just rattlesnakes everywhere near the spring house.
It's like, dude, that sucks so bad.
There's a great book about Texas called Empire of the Summer Moon.
Oh, I've heard of that before.
It's all about the settlers encountering the Comanche.
You gotta think, like, if the Comanche, if this is where they lived, and they
lived here
year-round, like, they had to be the hardest fucking people in the world.
Yeah, dude, that would be brutal.
It just had to be fucking just tough as fuck.
Yeah, especially when it gets, like, freezing, too.
They have, like, that two weeks where it's super cold, and yeah, that would be...
Yeah, you never know when it's coming back then, either.
You couldn't prepare.
Look, Texas, like, right now it's 80.
Two weeks ago it was 30.
Before that it was 20.
Before that it was 70.
Like, it's...
You don't know when it's coming.
No.
You have...
I've been here for two years, and I know we're gonna get, like, a solid
collective week
of real winter, and the rest of it's just, like, 50, 60, 70, 80, 20, 40, yeah,
it's kind
of like...
It's worth it.
I think it's perfect, because it gives you just enough cold, so you appreciate
the warm,
just enough, but nothing, like, where you want to kill yourself.
Yeah, I agree.
Nothing like...
There's, you know, Montana winters and Wyoming winters, where they last, like,
seven months.
You're like, I don't know if I want to do this.
Even regular East Coast winter, I couldn't handle it.
By the time I left, like, you don't feel the sun for, like, at least three
months.
And I remember spring, it would finally, like, come out, and it's like, that
messes me up.
Like, I need...
I'd rather it be super hot and sunny than be cold.
Yeah.
Because you can just, like, you know, just figure out...
Jump in a lake, jump in a pool.
You can cool.
Well, you know, that's what flu season's all about, too.
What?
It's not like the flu...
Oh, yeah.
...emerges in the winter.
It's just everybody's immune system's low.
No one has any vitamin D.
That makes sense.
A buddy of mine who was a doctor said that he would do tests on people in New
York City,
and he said so many people would come into his practice that had undetectable
levels of vitamin D.
What?
Yeah, because they weren't supplementing at all, and they were wearing winter
clothes,
and they were never outside, and everybody's sick, and they don't know why.
Well, you're vitamin D depleted.
Yeah.
That's why in Seattle, they have a lot of people go in tanning beds and shit.
They try to, like, do something to get...
Oh, just to get people...
Because tanning beds will give you a natural dose of vitamin D.
That's kind of nice.
Yeah.
Apparently, isn't it, like, a hormone more than a vitamin?
Mm-hmm.
So, yeah, that's what I heard.
It's, like, not even just, like, you know, vitamin A or B.
It's, like, something you absolutely need big time.
Yeah, a lot of people are saying you should hyperdose it, too.
Like, because the USDA recommended is, like, 5,000 milligrams.
A lot of people are saying, like, 30,000 is what they take every day.
Yeah, I had to do that for a while because I had low vitamin D, and they were
like, you can take as much of this as you want.
And I'm, like, so...
I'm, like, such a baby with medicine.
Like, I'm, like, super sensitive to it.
It did, like, absolutely no side effects at all.
No, it doesn't give you side effects.
Yeah.
But for full absorption, I think you're supposed to take it with a bunch of
other stuff.
Like, I think the recommended is, I take it with K2, vitamin K2 and magnesium.
I think there might be one other thing that also helps absorption.
But, like, Dr. Rhonda Patrick was on a podcast recently, and she was talking
about how vitamin D, someone was taking vitamin D, but they weren't showing any
improvement.
She's, like, where are you taking it with magnesium?
So, magnesium apparently helps vitamin D get absorbed in your body.
Like, there's a bunch of those things that, like, works.
Like, if you take them without any fat or any food, they're not good.
Yeah.
But then, like, amino acids, you have to take them on an empty stomach.
It's, like, you got to know what you're doing.
That's true.
Yeah, I have, like, a paste.
It's, like, a goop that's, like, fatty, and I just put it on a spoon and take
it.
What is it?
Just vitamin D fatty?
Yeah, it's vitamin D.
It's, like, a liposomal thing.
Oh, you put it on a spoon?
Yeah, I just eyeball it.
I'm, like, that's probably about right.
I wonder if, like, liposomal absorbs easier.
Isn't that the whole idea about it?
It's paired to a fat and it kind of, you know.
Right.
I wonder if that you don't need as much, like, or you don't need vitamin D or K2,
rather.
Well, I don't know.
But I was low, and then I'm not now.
So I'm, like, maybe it worked.
Maybe it was a fact I was outside.
I don't know.
I'm sure it works.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's just, like, does it work optimally?
That's the thing.
Yeah.
It's, like, just taking it alone is definitely going to be better than not
taking it at all.
But they think that for maximum absorption.
What are the things that you should take with vitamin D for, put that in
perfectly, the things you take with vitamin D for maximum absorption?
It's hard to remember all this stuff, too.
That's part of the problem.
Like, I'll hear it on a podcast.
I'm, like, yeah, yeah.
You know, I remember I heard Huberman had this thing about cortisol, and he's,
like, you need to spike your cortisol early in the morning, which I, you know,
if I get up and exercise in the morning, like, yeah, that seems true because I
feel good.
But then I was, like, I can't have caffeine anymore.
I had to get off completely.
Really?
Dude, I have, I can't have it.
I'm, like, super sensitive to it.
If I had a cup of coffee, what time is it right now?
If I had a cup of coffee now at 2 o'clock, I would not sleep until midnight.
Is that because you don't drink much of it?
I don't metabolize it.
Oh, interesting.
That's my mom.
My dad can drink coffee and fall asleep, but if my mom has coffee, she's, it
just, it, like, you have it, and I can feel it just in my body for hours.
And it's just, like, a nonstop, like, I love caffeine, the mental effects.
My body just can't stand it.
Have you ever tried nootropics?
Like, theanine?
I've done it all.
Theanine?
Acetylcholine?
Not acetylcholine, but I've taken L-theanine with it, which helped a little bit,
but then I'll just drink more coffee.
No, I don't mean with coffee.
I mean by itself as, like, a little bit of a pick-me-up.
Oh, yeah.
No, I like, yeah, I take L-theanine before I go to sleep.
I think it kind of helps me sleep.
Yeah, I hear that, too, which is interesting because it helps with your memory.
Like, how does it help with your memory and also help you go to sleep?
I don't know.
Here it says, vitamin D is a fat-soluble nutrient, so pairing it with dietary
fat maximizes its absorption in the gut.
Take vitamin D supplements with a meal containing fats for optimal uptake.
Studies show you can boost serum levels by about 50%.
Foods like fatty fish, avocados, olive oil, nuts, seeds, or full-fat yogurt
provide these fats effectively.
Supportive nutrients, magnesium, aids in converting vitamin D to its active
form and transporting it in the body.
Vitamin K2 works synergistically to direct calcium to bones, enhancing benefits
for bone health.
Omega-3 fatty acids from fish oil also improve absorption alongside fats.
All right, so that's it.
So vitamin D you should take with magnesium and K2 and probably some fish oil.
Nice.
There you go.
I was eating it after breakfast, though.
There we go.
I was getting my fats.
Yeah.
But, yeah, the caffeine for me, I can't, like, you know, everyone's different,
but I can't have it.
I could drink two double espressos and go to sleep.
That's crazy.
So here's my thing, too.
I stopped, because I didn't start really drinking caffeine all the time until I
had kids, but I, like, I don't have dreams at night.
If I drink even coffee during, like, the day, no dreams at night.
Really?
I don't know what it is, man.
I'm super, super sensitive to it.
Well, a lot of people that stop smoking weed say that they get wild, crazy
dreams.
That happens, too.
That kind of blocks your dreams, too.
Yeah.
But even that, like, I don't know.
I smoked weed forever, and, like, I would still kind of have dreams, but the
caffeine just, like, completely neutralizes them.
And then they say that, it's, like, anecdotal, but they say that caffeine,
there's anecdotal evidence that it kind of, what is it?
It, like, discourages or, you know, whatever it does to your brain.
You don't do as much divergent thinking.
It's more, like, convergent, where, like, if you need to get, like, a task,
like, all right, I need to edit something.
Caffeine's great.
But if you're, like, I need to come up with a story idea, there's, like, anecdotal
evidence that says, like, people who are on caffeine report that it, like, messes
up their ability to, like, just kind of, like, you know, come up with, like,
new or novel ideas.
Mm, that makes sense.
Yeah.
Because you're just hyper-focused on the one thing that you're doing.
Yeah.
Like a low-dose meth.
Yeah, pretty much.
You're, like, my friends that have dated girls that have had problems with amphetamines,
one of the things they say is they know when they're on it because then they
start cleaning the house.
They start cleaning everything.
Yeah.
They start getting, like, hyper-focused on, like, organizing and cleaning.
I'm like, that sounds like a good drug.
Yeah, what's the, what's the, it's probably a spaz, though.
That's probably the backlash.
Well, it's probably they're doing it for 12 hours while they're listening to Slayer.
Yeah.
Fuck, dude.
Fuck.
You're not even talking about Adderall.
This is them doing, like, crystal meth or something?
I don't know.
He was saying amphetamines.
Yeah.
I would assume it's, like, meth.
Yeah, an amphetamine babe would be not ideal, I don't think.
Well, I've talked to people that have done meth.
They tell you you feel like you're fucking Superman, but you also, like, want
to get things done.
Really?
Yeah.
That's, I've heard that similar thing about crack, where you feel like a genius.
You smoke crack, apparently, you're just like, dude, like, why would I have a
refrigerator?
I can sell it right now, and I can just order out to, and, like, apparently you're
just, like, the smartest person in your head in the world.
Right.
And then you're just, like, it all crashes every 30 minutes.
It's like freebase cocaine is what all it is.
Yeah.
Like, what Richard Pryor was doing back in the day, that was just before crack.
Yeah.
It was freebase and cocaine.
Yeah, and it's weird, too, because I think it just, like, coke, I think just
floods your brain.
A lot of things just flood your brain with dopamine.
Yeah, but the delivery method, apparently, of crack is superior.
Really?
Like, there's something about smoking it where it just goes right to your head.
Well, I know this from Hunter Biden.
Yeah.
Because Hunter Biden was, he was on that Channel 5 show when he was talking
about it.
It's fucking, he was so descriptive of it, it almost made you want to try crack.
He's, it was almost like, it was like a romantic tale of, like, a bad romance
that he had to get out of.
This is a very gentlemanly way to say, it's his superior delivery mechanism.
Well, he's very smart, right?
Yeah.
So he's very articulate.
He's talking about, like, what it was like to smoke crack.
And he's like, holy shit, man.
And I wonder, I guess, I guess he's off of it, because I guess, like, you know.
Yeah.
If you start it again, it's probably just another.
Well, there was that baggie they found at the White House, but.
First of all, it might have been his, but also, you think he's the only one of
those people doing coke?
Yeah, I was about to say, that could be anybody.
Listen, there's probably a lot of those folks that need a little pick-me-up
sometimes for a meeting.
Yeah.
For, they have to do a press thing, or.
Oh, dude.
You're working 16 hours a day, you little talk.
Woo!
Big time.
Let's go.
I used to work at a real estate company when I was in college.
Just, you know, they would, like, buy apartment buildings.
And, dude, all the, like, the senior management were, like, they used to buy Adderall
off me.
They would just chomp fucking Adderall.
Come in and just be like, they would do sales meetings and just be like.
A friend of mine who's a journalist says that all these journalists are on Adderall.
Yeah, I believe it.
Says it makes you productive.
Yeah.
They're all doing it.
Some of them are, like, super open about it.
Like, Dave Portnoy, when he was in here, he was telling us.
What did he say he took?
30 milligrams?
I think so.
I don't remember, but yeah.
It was enough that I was like, yo.
And then I had to go to Jamie.
How much is that?
And Jamie was like, a lot.
30s, yeah.
30s, that would get you.
But not a lot if you do it a lot, right?
Yeah, you would get a, yeah.
That's the thing.
It's like if you're doing edibles with Joey Diaz.
Like, how much should I take?
Take two, cocksucker.
Like, what?
Take two.
Like, how much do you take?
Yeah, that would definitely, I mean, I feel like I can't get a tolerance to eat
edibles.
They just knock me out every time.
Jamie can just eat them and they don't do anything to them.
That's crazy.
I know people like that, too.
They're like, well, I need, like, 200 milligrams to feel it.
I'm like, I'm psychotic.
At 200 milligrams, I'm fried.
It's a lot.
Yeah.
200 is a lot.
I used to have these lollipops that were 200 milligrams, so I would try to
gauge it.
Like, I don't want to eat too much of it, and it would just, I would get
fucking whacked all the time.
So, we went over how many people are on Adderall once.
Like, the number of Adderall prescriptions in a year was something bonkers.
It was like 39 million Adderall prescriptions in this country, but then you
have to go, like, how many people is that?
Right?
Because, like, you refill your prescription.
So, how often do you refill it?
How many times a year?
You know what I mean?
I think it's more than 39.
If that's the case, I feel like there's 39 million subscribers to Adderall.
Well, there's definitely people that are getting it other ways.
For sure.
For sure.
Yeah.
You get your script and you sell it, but it's like, so there were 39.
Not just that.
You're getting it illegally.
Yeah.
You know, you're getting illegal good and bad.
You're, you know, getting cartel stuff.
Like, pressed and stuff.
Yeah.
Like, they can make a Valium that looks just like a Valium.
Yeah.
And there's fucking fentanyl in it.
Yeah, true.
No, that's, like, the pill world is, they're, like, completely riddled with
that right now.
Oh, it's scary, man.
Because kids are taking these, like, there was a kid from a local high school
around here
that I read a story.
He took an Adderall.
He thought it was an Adderall.
And it had fentanyl in it.
Yeah.
He died.
Yeah.
He got it from one of his friends.
He was just trying to cram for studies.
Yeah, that's why I always tell people, anyone I know who does Coke, I'm always
like, you
got to stop, man.
They're like, no, we'll test it.
It's like, no, you're not.
You're going to be at a bar.
You're going to be hammered.
You're going to buy Coke and shove it up your nose.
You're not going to stop and be like, let me see.
I've never done it.
But all my friends who have done it have all said the same thing.
Don't do it.
Mm-hmm.
It's too good.
I've never done it either.
I had no, I've never had any interest.
But it's like, I, every time I'm around people on it, I'm just like, dude, this
sucks.
Yeah.
Maybe they're having fun, but it's like-
They want to sell you Bitcoin.
They want to go into business now.
Everybody does.
They get like super hyped about a project.
They want to bring you in.
Well, that's what I think.
I guess that's the way it was explained to me.
You just feel like you've accomplished something major.
So you just like snort Coke and you're like, I am the best ever.
It's like, why is, I don't know.
I just-
Yeah.
Joey Diaz used to say that you can't go on stage with that.
Yeah, I can see that.
It's the worst.
He goes, you have no feeling.
You don't feel for the crowd.
Yeah.
That's how I feel about it.
I can't drink and go on stage because I'll just, I'm way too confident.
If something doesn't land, I'm like, fucking whatever, pussy.
Like, I just don't, I don't care.
And I just do so bad.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a weird fine dance that people do with substances and performing,
especially if you're
doing like a speed or something.
Yeah.
Because you can get it wrong.
I would imagine.
Yeah.
You can get your balance wrong.
I've heard Adderall does not mix with comedy at all.
That's what I've heard too.
I've heard that people like it.
You're just, it's like a weird part of your brain where you're just too lasered
in.
I've heard people like to use it for writing though, which I think is weird.
I guess.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I know they use it for writing books.
Yeah.
I don't know if it would be the same for writing comedy.
Cause you know, you're talking about like coming up with ideas.
Like you'd imagine that would be the coffee thing on steroids.
Yeah.
Right.
I, for me, for writing, like I like to write, I like, I write books.
I like to do other stuff.
Writing standup is more like, it has to just pop into my head.
Then I go like, oh, that would be funny.
And then I, you know, if I start fleshing out, like new ideas come, but I've
tried to
like write standup and it never, it like very rarely do I get anything that
like
works from when I do that.
Yeah, me too.
But what I do is I write essays.
I just like essays on a subject.
And then from that, I'll extract little things.
That's a good idea.
And then I take that little thing and I say, how do I introduce this thing?
And what is, what would be funny about this thing?
And how would I lead into this?
And what are the other like surrounding things that would go with this?
No, that's, that's a good way to do it.
I have to, I have to trick myself into being like I'm memorizing my material.
So I just bullet point it and then I get bored and my mind wanders.
I'm like, that would actually be pretty funny.
Right.
And then you start rambling.
Yeah.
That's the thing about the essay that if you just sit down and write a sub, you
know, about
a subject, whatever that subject is, that you just start thinking about all the
different
aspects of that sub, instead of thinking how to write in comedy form.
Yeah.
You know, that's a, that's a smart idea.
Cause yeah, if I try to write it, then like you try to repeat it, but you wrote
it down.
So that sounds like a written thing.
And it's like, but even that in the essay way, it's a brutal process.
Cause then you have to take that one sentence or that one paragraph in a
thousand words and
then figure out a way to introduce that where it's not clunky.
And then figure out what's the funniest part about it.
And it's like, you have to always know that the first time you bring it out
there, it's
going to suck.
Yeah.
And you have to just slowly, but surely trust it to get better and just throw
it into the
fire every night.
Yeah.
You know, you have your bits that, you know, are going to kill and you're like,
I don't
want to trot that one out here.
I know.
That is the, I kind of is the funnest part though, to me.
Like when I moved here, I had just, uh, I think, I, yeah, I think I had just
put out
an hour or like recorded.
So I had no, I had to like start with like new material, which sucks.
You move somewhere, you have new stuff.
You're like, dude, I have only new shit.
It's a bad feeling, but it's like, it's exciting.
Cause you're like, you don't know how it's going to go every night.
I don't know.
I like, I like that.
I think it's good.
I think it's like, we were talking the other day, uh, about loss, about failure.
Like I was talking with Michael Malice about bombing on stage.
I think bombing is good.
Cause what happens if you bomb that feeling, you feel terrible the next day,
you feel terrible
that night.
And then you're like, I got to fucking get back on stage and really like
tighten up my shit.
And I always have in the past made big leaps after I bombed.
I'm like, I think it's important.
Like failure is important.
It sucks.
You don't like it, but you got to go through that.
Like maybe you got overconfident or maybe you were in a bad mood or maybe it
was like, whatever.
Yeah.
No, it helps.
That's what like motivates me to write standup.
If I bomb, I'm like, all right, now let me, let me like dial it in.
Cause I have like, I'm always doing a bunch of stuff and like, I'm like, Oh, I
got a show.
And I like, you know, organized kind of against the gun.
But yeah, a good, a bomb really is like a clarifying.
It's good for you.
Honestly.
Yes.
It is.
Well, I used to say that to fighters too.
You lose a fight.
It's good.
As long as you get really hurt.
Yeah.
It's good because you like that feeling.
Go home with that feeling and think about all the stones that you left unturned.
All the times we skip road work, all the times you skip strength and
conditioning, all the
times you're half-assing it in the gym.
That guy didn't do that.
He just beat you.
Now, you know, you know, you know, like you have to understand that there's
levels to these,
there's levels to dedication.
There's levels to competency and you know, a good loss is good for you.
Yeah.
It kind of like, you know, again, if you have your tried and true and you're
just going on
stage, you know, it's working night after night.
You just go home and you're like, Oh, whatever.
Well, yeah, when you bomb it, like for me, it does something in my brain where
I got my
thoughts start flying that, you know, whatever that is just helps me get stuff
out there.
Well, when I lived in Boston, one of the things that was a real problem was
there were these,
there was these local headliners that had these fucking acts, man.
They had 45 minutes of like hammered samurai sword.
It was so good because they had been doing that 45 minutes for a decade and a
half.
Crazy, dude.
It was so good.
Their timing was so good.
The pacing was so good.
They would crush every night.
But after a while, they never added anything new to it.
And these guys just like a buddy of mine went to see a Boston headliner that we
knew from
like Fitzsimmons, went to see a Boston headliner that we knew from the 80s.
And he goes, dude, he was doing the same material.
He goes, it was so sad.
He goes, it was just phoning it in.
It was barely getting a response from the audience.
It was like dated references.
Because this guy just had an act.
And like a fucking guy who shows up at the office, he would open up his
suitcase, pull his act out.
That was his act.
Those guys are always fascinating.
Because when you're like, you know, I started in Philly.
And like, so like the only, the first like paid gigs you get as an open miker
are like, you do like moose lodges and shit for like 50 bucks.
And it's always one of those like wacko headliners.
Who's been around for 30 years.
He's doing it forever.
He's giving you the career talk in between the show.
There's like, I would get like comedy magicians all the time.
Oh yeah.
And dude, it was like, yeah, those, those guys would always kind of freak me
out.
Like I would open for guys that would talk about like floppy disks in like the
2000s.
And I'm like, bro, what are you doing, man?
Like we don't have CDs anymore.
You know, this guy talked about porn on a floppy disk.
On stage?
Dude, it was fucking Screech.
R.I.P.
It was Screech.
Screech.
R.I.P.
I opened for Screech back in the day and I was like, fuck yes, this is going to
be awesome.
He was, he was killing it in the comedy clubs.
He was like one of the first people to go from being on a sitcom to touring on
the road.
Yeah.
I caught, I caught late Screech though.
Skippy.
Remember Skippy from Family Matters?
Was it Family Matters?
Is that what his name?
No.
What was it from?
What was the show?
Skippy.
He was another guy who was, he was on a sitcom.
Was he on, not step by step.
I don't remember.
But he was, I remember the same thing.
Same thing.
He was, became, he like, Hollywood didn't work out for him.
Family ties.
Family ties.
With Michael J. Fox?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So that guy was headlining comedy clubs.
Yeah.
All over the place.
This was like a bar in Delaware.
This was not a glamorous gig.
Whoa.
It was bad.
What year?
This was, I was, I graduated college in 2009.
It would have been like 2012 maybe.
So this was like late, this was like late Screech.
And the whole time he was on stage, people were going, Screech.
And he would just, it fucking made him so mad.
But I remember it was, it's a funny show because I, it was supposed to be a
lady, it was supposed
to host, I was going to feature, it was going to be Screech as the headliner.
And the guy who owned the venue just bad, like wanted to fuck this lady so bad
that he was
like, hey, I'm letting that lady feature.
You're going to host.
And he was like, I'll pay you the same price.
And I was like, yeah, whatever, I don't give a shit.
So he paid me and I had been, you know, I'd been doing standup for a couple of
years.
So I was like kind of sharp, you know, especially for like that bar show.
And this lady, I, he, he, she had never done standup before.
This was her first time.
This guy fucked her over.
He thought he was doing something nice for her.
She sat there for all the 20 minutes and read out of a giant notebook and just
fucking bought
like completely in horrific, like a first time standup doing 20 minutes,
completely bombed.
Screech was in the back with me and he's like, the fuck is this?
I remember he was like bragging being like, dude, they gave me eight grand.
I don't give a fuck about this show.
I knew a few guys who their girlfriend started doing comedy and then the
girlfriend started
opening for them.
And it was just wild for her sake.
You can't do that.
No, it's so, it's such a bad idea.
It's so crazy.
And these guys were like competent headliners.
So the people were coming to see them.
They're excited.
Hey, we're going to go, we're going to go laugh.
Have a good time.
Nope.
No, you're going to get tortured for 20 minutes before you get to laugh.
Also, that's not going to help him either.
She's going to be furious.
Like it's, I don't know why people do that.
You can't.
Well, they want to do it.
Like, help me, help me.
That's one thing that happens a lot with comedy couples.
Like one of the couples will help the other one, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Writing's one thing, but like, and it's, but that's why they want to do it.
It's like, they want to hook up with a headliner, whether it's a guy or a girl.
Yeah.
You hook up with a headliner.
He or she helps you with your act and then you go back and, you know, it's also
impossible
though.
Cause if you're dating a comic and then you book your own opener, you can't be
like, ah, next
time I got you next time.
You know, you have to flat out be like, no, I'm not, you're not doing this.
Right.
And then you break up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then you start their comedy.
You'd be like, bro, you gotta, you gotta go to the open mics and you know, yeah.
Doing it in front of a sold out show when you're just starting out as a crazy
idea.
That's the way I couldn't imagine.
I literally couldn't imagine it would, it would have messed me up.
Well, that's why I killed Tony.
So nuts.
Yeah.
Like there are people, there are people who have gone on for their first time
ever in
Madison square garden to a sold out arena of 16,000 people.
And then it's filmed for what?
Like a million, a couple million people.
It's like millions of people.
You're out there eating Dick.
That must feel crazy waking up the next morning.
Yeah.
Just like if you go to sleep, let's imagine that you can go to sleep.
If I flub a word, I don't go to sleep.
They can go to sleep after that.
Yeah.
You're essentially filming a one minute special the first time.
The first time you do it.
On Netflix.
Goddamn.
Or on YouTube.
Both of them are getting fucking millions of views.
I know.
Dude, I, I, I, I'd be so scared to do that.
People who can do that.
I'm like, that's amazing.
They go out there and do.
They're crazy.
True.
True.
That's actually true.
Some of the people, when you're, you're interviewing them after they do the set,
like I go, does
this guy been screened?
Do we need to make sure he doesn't have a fucking knife on him?
They do need that airport fucking thing, man.
Yeah.
Oh, a hundred percent.
Some of these people are out of their fucking mind.
I always wanted to hang in the bar, right?
Like the holding tank where everyone is, cause that's gotta be the craziest
vibe in there.
Whoa.
Well, you remember open mic nights.
Yeah, true.
Open mic night at the comedy store in particular was always so nuts.
Yeah.
It was just a complete lunatic asylum.
For realist.
There was this one guy, Robert William Apervaya, and he would come there.
He was a really nice guy.
And all of his act was about marijuana.
And he, at one point in time, was a lawyer.
And then I guess blew a fuse and then just was doing comedy, but he would walk
from downtown.
He lived in a flop house in downtown and it would take him hours.
He would walk from downtown to the comedy store.
And when it rained out, the way he would deal with the rain is he would take
plastic grocery
bags and tuck them inside of all of his clothing.
So, he'd wrap them around his body.
So, he had his clothing on the outside and these plastic bags all over his body.
That's so fucking funny.
The clothes were on the outside?
Yeah.
So, he'd let his clothes get wet, but his body would be dry.
Well, he couldn't figure out how to put it all outside of him.
Okay.
So, his solution was just cover his skin and keep him from getting wet and cold.
Which I guess would work.
It'd probably keep you sweaty, too.
Yeah, you'd sweat.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, he was like a staple and he would go there every night late at night and he
would
be like one of the last guys up at open mic night every week.
Whoa.
Yeah.
And just was insane.
Like, you couldn't shake your hand.
You couldn't touch him.
He was always nervous that everybody hated him and so he'd be scared.
And I became friends with him, so he was cool with me.
I'd talk to him.
But, like, one time I tried to give him knuckles and I'm like, sorry, I forgot.
He just wouldn't.
He wouldn't.
Yeah.
He would, like, mumble and look at the ground, like, sorry.
Yeah.
He was legitimately cooked.
Yeah, he was whacked.
Whatever was going on.
Ah, fuck.
Yeah.
But he was a lawyer.
And he just blew a fuse.
Jesus Christ.
It happens.
Yeah, it does.
Now, you forget, like, well, at least I did, because I, you know, doing the
open mics,
it's like, it is like a complete freak factory.
A freak factory.
But you're, like, steeped in that so much for years.
Uh-huh.
And then I remember, like, when I finally stopped going to open mics all the
time.
I was still in Philly and I, like, just took a break from the open mics.
I would go do shows and I was like, let me go to the open mic.
It had been, like, six months.
And I was like, I'll go to one and try stuff out.
I, like, got in, you know, I'm sitting behind the area.
I was in, like, Philly Helium.
I'm just sitting there at the open mic.
And I just got, like, right away, guys were like, dude, look at him.
He fucking sucks.
And it was just, like, all these people.
I'm like, oh, this was, like, the worst environment you can possibly be in.
Yeah.
It was just, everyone was like, this guy's a fucking piece of shit.
I hate this guy.
And everyone was so fucking angry.
And just everyone's so charged on adrenaline all the time.
They're also, like, on the outside of this thing that they want to do, this
dream.
And they get to try it.
Like, a regular person with no training, no schooling, no nothing.
Yeah.
You get to stand on that stage with a microphone.
I went down a rabbit hole the other night and I was watching open mic nights
from Long Island.
Oh, fuck, dude.
It was so crazy.
That would be fun, though.
That would be fun, though.
It's so crazy watching someone that definitely shouldn't be doing comedy that's
trying comedy for the first time.
Yeah.
And I was, you know, it was one of those dumb things.
It was, like, midnight.
Like, well, let me see.
And they have them filmed.
It's all kinds of stuff.
Basically, you find anything.
Yeah.
Online.
And I started watching.
I can only watch for so long that I get anxiety and then I have to shut it off.
That was like when you do open mics and you finally do, like, a showcase and
you invite your friends or your family to watch.
And they're just like, what the fuck are you doing?
Who are these people?
And you're like, they're my friends.
I brought some of my friends for the first time I ever went on stage.
I didn't want to do it by myself.
That was the opposite.
I didn't want anyone to see me for a long time.
Yeah.
And I did a show one time.
Because I have a big family.
So I did a show and there's this place at Raven Lounge in Philly.
It was, like, awesome.
Like, when we started.
Tiny little black box thing at the top of a bar.
It fit maybe, like, 25 people.
And I have a big family.
So I finally was like, alright, I'm gonna invite my family out.
Dude, I remember I was on stage and I knew, like, 17 out of the 25 people.
And I was like, dude, fucking kill me right now.
This sucks.
And they're staring at you like this.
Yeah, I saw my aunt in the front and just, like, looking at me.
And I was like, no.
Watching you choke.
Yeah.
Watching you bomb.
Oh.
For them.
They were the audience.
I'm like, fuck.
It's, but that's, you know, the only way.
It's like, I know some people that have taken comedy classes.
And then that has kind of got them into stand-up.
Yeah.
That's, dude.
This is a function of comedy classes.
And that function is, like, it gets you to try it.
I don't think anybody, maybe there's a few people out there that are, like,
legit comics that are teaching them.
But for the most part, not.
How, so we had a comedy class at Helium.
And the thing was, if you won, if you took the comedy class to get, let you in
the comedy classes contest,
then you can compete with the other people in the class.
And if you won that, you got the hosting gig at Helium.
Ooh.
And it was, it was a sweet deal.
But it was so hard to get into Helium.
So I had done stand-up for a while.
I took time off.
And when I got back into it, I was like, fuck it.
I'm taking that comedy class.
I'm going to try to fast-track myself into host.
So I won the comedy class contest.
And then I got into Philly's Funniest.
When I won Philly's Funniest, I got, you know, they were like, the improv
theater across the street was like,
we'll let you host a comedy class and we'll give you, like, 35 bucks an hour.
Dude, I had, like, no health care.
I had nothing.
I was like, absolutely, let's do it.
I had a comedy class and they showed up and I was like, alright, never take a
comedy class ever again.
I was like, don't ever do this ever again.
This is so dumb.
You guys did this.
But we're just going to run this as an open mic.
And I was like, get up there.
And I had them all go up and just do, like, five.
You know, it was just an open mic.
Well, that'll work.
Yeah, that's what I tried to tell them.
It's something.
Yeah.
That's what I tried to tell them.
But the one I was at was, like, real sketchy, man.
It was very much like, I'm about to blow up.
I'm taking you guys with me.
Oh, no.
This is how it's done.
And you get out of it and you go, this motherfucker, bro.
I got deals in development, blah, blah, blah.
Fucking bullshit.
There's so many of those guys.
I got blacklisted from Helium because they found out I had a comedy class.
Which wasn't even a, it was a fake comedy class.
I just wanted the money for it.
Did you try to tell them?
Yeah, I told the owner.
I was like, bro, what are we doing?
He's like, love, man, just chill.
And I was like, I was like, can I do the open mic still?
He's like, you can do the open mic.
And the guy found out I was on the open mic and they booted me off that for
like a month.
Oh, my God.
He was out for blood.
And I called him, like, what the fuck?
Because I knew this guy.
I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?
He's like, well, I didn't call them.
I'm like, okay, man.
It was like, it was a big thing.
Well, there was talk when they were, the same people own Cap City here now.
There was talk that if you headline there, you couldn't do my club for three
months.
It's crazy.
And I was like, come on, guys.
Why?
I said to him, I'm like, if one of my friends is at your club, I'm like, I'll
tweet about it.
Like, I don't want this to be competition.
There's plenty of comedians and there's plenty of audience members for
everybody.
That's silly.
Also, everyone's gonna be fine.
I just, yeah, that's such, that's insane.
That's crazy.
Yeah, I don't like that stuff.
A young guy coming up, you're banning him from the club because he's hosting a
comedy class
for money?
Yeah, it was nonsense.
Now, you know, now we're cool.
That comedy class is probably going to lead more people to your club.
Like, it all feeds off of itself.
I know.
And it was literally like, well, you know, maybe the word got out that I was
like, never
take a comedy class ever again.
What?
Did Philly have a class?
Did Pelium have a class?
That was the class I took.
I took a class at Helium because I wanted to fast track myself to the host.
Otherwise, you had to do Philly's Funniest.
Of course.
He just said it.
Yeah, so I was like, I completely gamed it and I was like, fuck it.
Because these were like people who had never done it before.
I'd done it for years.
So I just went and did the class so I could do the contest.
Do you ever go back and think about people that you knew in the early days and
you're like,
I thought they were going to make it?
Yeah, there's a couple people that I was like, this guy's like a celebrity.
Yeah.
Like, he's got it.
And it's just like, I don't know what happened.
They're just kind of like, I guess, I don't know.
It's weird.
It is weird.
There's a few people that I started out with.
I'm like, damn, this dude's talented.
Like, there's something there.
Oh, no.
Yeah, I know.
It's funny you said that.
I'm like, I don't think so.
Then I'm like, oh, yeah, there was definitely at least one, if not like two or
three.
Yeah.
They would come, they would do this.
But they were all, this guy was always on his own time.
He would like show up late, just walk on.
Like, it was, I think there's some people you just can't keep into like a thing
at all.
But their personalities are like magnetic.
Yeah.
There's some people that for whatever reason, they never figure out how to make
a living
at it.
Yeah.
They never like, and then they get bored with it.
Or they get frustrated or something.
Yeah.
I couldn't imagine.
Just like the, there was, I'd see people go who would like, you never want
bombs when
you're starting out at open mics.
But there are people that bomb every time for like years and they keep doing it.
And you're like, bro, how are you?
How are you alive?
How are you doing this?
I would have one bad set.
I'm like, I'm going to kill myself, dude.
I hate this.
Some people just don't see it.
And that's also, they don't address it.
And that's also where they don't get any better.
Mm-hmm.
They don't have any self-awareness.
Yeah.
That could be it.
Like, the perception of how people see them is distorted.
Yeah.
You know.
No, that's kind of scary actually.
Yeah.
You want to put blinders up.
It's pretty cut and dry though.
When like, people are silent in front of you.
Yeah.
You're like, damn, I suck right now.
This is, I should change something.
But in the beginning, it's just, it's such a weird, you're, you're basically
like running
a marathon blindfolded.
Yeah.
Like through trees.
Dude, you have, well, I, dude, like finally when I did like a special, I was
like, oh,
this is the point of it.
You have to come up with an hour of standup.
Yeah.
Before I was just like, I need to have a good five minutes for tonight.
And I would just go up and do it and be like, great.
And I would just go back home with like no plan or anything.
Well, that's a lot of guys who live in cities where you do short sets all the
time.
Yeah.
We were talking about that the other night in the green room.
Like some guys who do a lot of like New York City clubs, they have a really
good 15 minutes.
Yeah.
A fucking crush for 15 minutes.
But when they have to do an hour, then things get weird because they can't keep
the same
energy for an hour.
It's not, you have to pace it.
It has to be hills and valleys.
You have to kind of like structure it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then they also don't really have the material because they're basically
just doing their
best 15 minutes all the time.
Yeah.
True.
So I had the, I wasn't even really doing standup.
We, me and Shane were doing the podcast and I was like, I was going to do the
podcast.
I don't even want to do standup anymore.
And then he, it was pretty funny behind my back, went to the manager at Helium
was like,
dude, have Matt headline.
And I was like, fucking dick.
And the guy hit me up.
So I started doing that.
So I had been like not doing standup.
For how long?
For like months and months and like maybe a year off.
Wow.
And I had like, you know, I went, you know, it was like, I would go and try
stuff.
So then I started doing, when I first started headlining, I would do an hour,
have off for
like two months, do an hour somewhere else.
It was the most insane.
It like really started fucking with me.
Did you have recordings to listen to at least?
Yeah.
I would record the audio and I would listen to it and then I would like jot
down notes.
And like, it was the most insane way to get back into it.
That was the thing that we experienced after COVID.
There was a moment where I hadn't done standup in like four or five months.
Yeah.
It was, it felt so weird.
And then Houston had a standup.
They had clubs open and they like spaced people out and put masks on.
I'm like, this is so ridiculous.
Yeah.
And, uh, we were doing shows inside and I only did one weekend.
And then I got super paranoid.
I'm like, what if I give it to someone and they die?
Yeah.
I'm being so selfish.
I don't want to do these shows.
Yeah.
That's why I got to stop.
So I had, uh, this old lady on the podcast and my first thought was, what if I
have it and I give it to her?
Damn, that would suck.
I was so freaked out.
Yeah.
I didn't have, I wasn't even remotely sick.
That was what was crazy.
Like it was just a, it was a boogeyman.
For sure.
Yeah.
It wasn't like I'm coughing.
Maybe I shouldn't come into work.
No, it was like, I feel great.
But what if I have it?
I don't know.
I know.
I give it to this lady.
Yeah.
I did.
I had my first kid, right?
Like March, 2020.
So it just, we got out of the hospital.
And like a week later, I was like holding my face in a grocery store to being
like, fuck, what the hell's going on?
Well, at least you could be with her when she gave birth then.
Yeah.
That was cool.
That was what was crazy.
Yeah.
I felt bad.
People were dying alone.
Cause you couldn't visit them while they were dying.
It was insane, dude.
It was, it was like, and luckily when we went in for our second kid, that was
like, it was still kind of in the mix.
We were able to go in together, but like our nurse, you know, if we didn't have
like our mask on, she was like, I don't, whatever.
I don't care.
Cause I heard people were getting like, just like, like two weeks after we had
our kid, people were in there.
Like, I got to stay home.
My wife's in there by herself.
It was like disaster.
But even navigating that was crazy.
Cause it was like, you know, I'd tell my wife, like, well, I want to go do this.
She's like, well, what if you bring it all to all of us?
And it was just, I remember just at one point being like, then we're all going
to fucking get it, dude.
I don't know.
Like we, I, you know, I think I did the numbers.
Like I think this affects older people or, you know, what time was this?
Uh, this would have been March.
It was like March, 2020.
And then like the next six months.
Cause I would, you know, I would like go try to do stuff.
He's like, if you go outside, we're all going to get sick.
I was worried about it.
I wasn't really confident that people weren't going to get really fucked up by
it until like a few of my friends got it and got over it.
Yeah.
And then my family got it and I didn't get it.
And I thought that was crazy.
Cause I tried to get it.
Like I didn't, I didn't, I hugged my kids.
They were laughing.
You're going to get COVID.
I was like, I'm not going to get it.
And part of my head was like, boy, I hope I don't get it.
Yeah.
I never got it.
I worked out and I didn't feel so good.
And I said, let me just go through the paces today.
And then I worked out the next day.
Same thing.
I'm like, I don't feel so good.
I feel like weak.
So I just, let me do like my kettlebell routine with like 35 pounds.
Just easy.
Don't push it.
Just a couple sets.
And so I did that two days in a row.
And then the third day I went to the gym.
I'm like, how do I feel?
And I'm like, I feel fucking good.
Like I feel great.
Like nothing feels wrong at all.
And I had a full workout and I felt fine.
So I was like, all right, I guess I didn't get it.
Yeah.
And I went and gotten tested to see if I had antibodies.
Like if I had recovered from it.
Nope.
Never got in there.
Yeah.
I had talks with my wife.
She was coughing and shit.
That's awesome.
That's such a fucking beast move, dude.
She was like, you're going to get it.
I'm like, let's find out.
Let's find out.
That is a beast move.
I'm like terrible at math, but I remember looking up like, how likely is it to
die from this?
It was like 0.0001 something.
I was like, fine, man.
0.0001.
There was so much propaganda.
And it was like, the thing was, we were in the middle of doing podcasts and we've
tested
everybody when they show up, make sure that nobody has it, tested all of the
employees, security
guys, everybody that works for me.
Everybody got tested every day.
Yeah.
We'd show up, we'd be separated.
The nurse would come with a mask on, test everybody.
And then once we had the results, then we would allow the show to go on.
Yeah.
So I was like, I can't fuck this up because if I fuck this up, I fuck this up
for everybody.
Yeah.
So I got to be careful.
Yeah.
And I just didn't want my guests, like the guests were flying in, they were
taking a chance.
A lot of them were older, you know, like a lot of professors, you know, they're
flying
around to do this podcast and I had to make sure then, and then someone ratted
us out.
So the health department showed up at the studio and they wanted us to have a
bag of masks,
like right when you walk in.
So we had to put a bag of masks right there.
We had to put a hand sanitizer thing right there and then a sign that says like
what you're
supposed to do, six foot distancing, all that shit.
I was like, all right.
But they were saying that we weren't socially distancing.
We saw him hug people outside the front door.
That's completely dystopian, man.
That's crazy.
Yeah.
I don't know why.
You know what it was?
Cause my parents were just like, cause you know, the first time we all hung
outside my,
both my parents were like, bro, this sucks.
We're just come inside.
We're not doing this.
And that was like, Oh, my parents were terrified of it.
My parents didn't give a fuck.
They were like, this is bullshit.
My parents didn't want to hang out with anybody until they got vaccinated.
Really?
Yeah.
They were real nervous about it.
They're older, you know?
Yeah.
When you get older, you know, like that's why a lot of these people are like
the Neil Youngs
and Howard Stearns and all those people that really freaked out about it.
They're older people.
Yeah.
So to them, they're looking at, they might be that 1% that dies.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Whereas like you're young and healthy, you work out.
You'll be, you'll probably be fine.
You'll be okay.
Your wife's healthy.
You'll be fine.
When you're an old person and you, you, you smell death in the air already.
Yeah.
Every day, every day you wake up, you're like, Oh, fucking back hurts.
Oh, Jesus.
You can barely get out of bed.
Fucking your feet are swollen.
Like it could get you.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
I'm surprised.
My parents are like, you know, I think they're like, it's going to be 70 soon.
They were just kind of like, we don't give a fuck, man.
It depends on where you grew up.
I think that's what it was, man.
They're just kind of like, you know, they're all just like, fuck that.
You know, it's bullshit.
No matter what it was.
It was fucking bullshit.
Yeah.
If you grow up hard, you're not worried about a cough.
Yeah.
I remember I finally got it.
I finally got it.
Dude, it kind of like rocks me.
The first day I had talked so much shit and I got it.
I was like, bro, if I die, this is going to suck so bad.
It's like, but we got it.
You know what?
My wife got it two days later.
Then I had, you know, we had like a little kid.
So I had to like, we just switched off.
I kind of was like recovered enough.
So we were, our kid never got it.
Was around us.
Kids can go right through it.
Yeah.
My, my, um, both of my kids got it and they just burned through it.
One of them had it more, but she's like a little more sensitive.
She, she was pretty sick for a couple of days.
Not pretty, not like scary, but like she didn't feel good for a couple of days.
The other one like barely had it.
Yeah.
It like went right through her.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The one didn't get it all.
The one had like a runny nose.
The other day is just like her super fever hurting.
Were you taking any vitamins at the time?
No, at the time I wasn't living very healthy.
That's the thing.
Yeah.
I'm all over the vitamins and I was all over the vitamins.
Then my wife back then, I don't think not so much.
Yeah.
I don't think she did as much.
So when I was around everybody that got it, it just never got to me.
Yeah.
No, I was forgot.
And I, we had like, you know, relative newborn kind of situation going on.
And it was just like.
That's a hard one.
Your immune system is going to be crushed anyway, because you're getting zero
sleep.
Yeah.
Everybody's like ready to fall asleep at any given time.
Watching TV.
I've never recovered.
I'm still ready to pass out.
Like I can fall asleep.
I go home and I'm fried.
I take naps.
That was a big thing for coffee.
Now I can take naps during the day.
I can't take naps when I drink coffee.
Oh, I never take naps.
Oh, I love them, man.
A little siesta.
A little siesta.
The only time I ever take a nap is if I have to do something really early in
the morning.
So like, if I do a set at night and I'm not home until like 12:30 and like,
maybe I have
to get up at six or something, I'll take a little nap.
Yeah.
Just because for me, there's the balance of like, what is, what's more
important, getting
things done, working out or not getting into a deficit.
And for me, it's not getting into a deficit.
Cause when I like, if I do a podcast and I'm sleepy, I get so mad at myself.
I'm like, what are you doing?
Yeah.
Like this is your one job.
I know.
I know.
Be awake and talk to people.
Sleep like a toddler.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
That's cool.
So how long are we in Indonesia for?
It is embarrassing.
You're like, what the fuck, man?
It's the worst.
And then I'm just drinking coffee and energy drinks and taking nicotine pouches
and just
trying to fire the brain up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Then when I do that, my face just gets hot and I'm just anxious.
Yeah.
It's like, that's why, especially for shows, like I try to travel.
Like I leave like on an early, early flight, get where I'm going and just take
a big nap.
Yeah.
And then I wake up and go do the show.
One thing that I started doing when I was on the road a lot was I would go in
on Thursday
if I had a show on Friday.
Yeah.
So I would get in Thursday night, sleep, and then instead of flying in the day
of the show,
cause you're always a little foggy.
Yeah.
And you know, it's, it's hard to, and back then I wasn't on the nootropics as
much.
I wasn't like taking it with me on the road, you know, brain vitamins and shit
like alpha
brain.
But now I don't fuck around.
I don't travel without that stuff.
Yeah.
No, you do need, I do the day of, I can't help it.
I just go early, nap.
I did a show in Vegas last weekend that like, it didn't start till 10 PM Vegas
time.
So I got there, I was, it was brutal.
I got there, I took a nap, woke up at like 9 PM Vegas time.
It was just like, I felt like a bug.
You know what my trick for that is?
The moment you land, the moment you land, put your shit in your hotel room, go
straight to the gym.
Yeah.
No if, ands, or buts about it.
You gotta get a workout in.
Yeah.
And you gotta sweat, like really sweat.
Yeah.
Just really get it going.
Do, do some pushups, whatever the fuck you want to do, but just really sweat.
And then it feels like it resets your system.
I can see that.
That would wake you up and kind of calm you down.
Yeah, it resets your system.
Like whatever the fuck happens when you're on a plane, when you get off, you're
just like brrrr.
Dude, I feel like I've been microwaved, I get off a plane.
Yeah.
We have been kind of.
Yeah, pretty much.
I feel, I smell weird.
It's like an x-ray, you're getting an x-ray.
Ah, fuck.
Yeah.
The other day I was like, maybe it's like good for me somehow.
It's like, it's just like constricting my blood vessels and they like whoosh.
And turn you into a superhero.
Well, I like was in Denver and I ran, you know, recently I was like running and
working out in Denver and I was like, probably altered now.
I did like a 30 minute workout.
I'm like, I'm probably totally different now.
Well, I lived above Boulder for a while.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And then I had a gig in Philly.
So I was living up there for a couple of months.
I was living at 8,500 feet above sea level and I'd work out up there.
And then when I'd go down to Boulder at 5,500, I had all this endurance.
I was like, this is crazy.
Oh, in Denver.
Yeah.
From Boulder to Denver, you're saying?
No, from where I was, I was in the mountains above Boulder.
And so I'd go down to Boulder.
Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
So there's like 55, 57, whatever it is, but I was at 85.
Damn.
Yeah, 8,500 feet above sea level.
Yeah, that's a lot.
So then I went, I did a gig in Philly and I went to the gym and I remember I
called my friend.
I'm like, dude, I feel like I could run through a fucking wall.
Damn, I want that so bad.
That's what, why a lot of athletes train, like they go to Big Bear in
California.
They train up there.
Damn.
I kind of, yeah, I got to do it for like just once and I was like, dude, this
is awesome.
Yeah, if you can live at altitude and train at altitude and then go down to sea
level,
you feel like you have super power.
Fuck, that's awesome.
So a lot of endurance athletes, like that's why they put the Olympic Training
Center in Colorado Springs.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
Like training at altitude is a legit hack.
Yeah.
I didn't realize like, cause I've always wondered like, why is it so hard?
And it's literally just the air thins and there's less oxygen.
Yeah.
It's that simple.
And then your body has to adapt.
So you get more red blood cells.
Yeah.
That's why they take EPO.
That's what EPO does for you.
Oh, you don't have to go to altitude.
Well, I think a lot of them do both.
Damn.
You know, they just go as hard as, but they push it to that.
Like how much before I get a stroke?
It's true.
I'm trying to win a gold medal.
I'm trying to win the Tour de France.
Dude, I just started, I started sprinting again, like.
Sprinting?
Sprinting.
Just all out total sprints.
And just to like see where I was at.
Cause I'm like, you know, cause I'm like, if I, I feel like if you just stop, I,
you
could feel that like, you know, age creep in a little bit.
And there's a lot, I think there's a lot of mental stuff to be like, ah, you
know, man,
it just fucking goes.
But like, you know, if you're not like testing it, you know, how do you know?
You're just not letting yourself go anyway.
So I like, I was like doing it.
I haven't been running like that in forever.
And dude, like my fingertips would be numb.
I would do a hundred, I would do a hundred meter sprints and I like can't feel
my hands.
I don't think that's good.
And now I can.
I don't think that's good at all.
Now I can, I fixed it.
And now I, cause you like grow new veins and shit.
So I swear to God, it's true.
Are you a doctor?
I don't know.
I just, I have grok, dude.
We're all equal now.
But yeah, I remember being like, let me see where I'm at.
And I was like, bro, you really do.
You use it or lose it, man.
And I can run now.
I did it this morning.
I can, I can sprint now.
And like, I don't get numb.
It's pretty awesome.
How do you do it?
Do you go to a track?
I have a track.
Yeah.
I have a track near my house.
And I just fucking bolt early, super early in the morning.
You feel amazing.
Wow.
All day.
And so you just pick a certain amount of distance you're going to run.
Yeah.
I'll do like someday, like today I did like two, three hundreds, two, two
hundreds.
And then like, we're supposed to do four one fifties.
I got two and I was like, I'm tapped.
So you're done in like 15, 20 minutes.
You're done.
Yeah.
You go there.
I'm, I'm there at like six o'clock and I'm done in 20 minutes.
And I'm, I'm, you feel like, it's like you were talking about, you run to a
city
and you just get like an all out workout.
Yeah.
You feel like you're walking on air for the rest of the day.
That makes sense.
There was a study recently about explosive exercise.
And that that's one of the things that's lacking in like older people.
As they get older, they stop doing any kind of explosive exercise, like sprinting.
Yeah.
And how beneficial that is for maintaining your health and your ability to move
around.
Dude.
I'm telling you, like I lived, that was like such a drastic thing, but I was
like, damn,
this is my circulation is like going.
Like I can't fucking run without my hands feeling all like pins and needly.
That's so weird.
And it just, they came back.
Now I can do it.
My fingers feel fine.
You're getting in shape.
Yeah.
It's pretty nuts.
Cause that, that was the thing.
Cardio is always like cardio is dumb.
Who cares?
I've learned, I think it just like you secrete growth hormone and then your
veins and capillaries
start like, you get literally, you get like new and wider veins.
Cause it makes sense.
It's pretty cool.
Makes sense.
I mean, your heart is fucking pounding out of your chest.
Yeah.
You're hitting 180 beats per minute.
It's like fucking forcing all that shit through.
Just clearing it out.
Like, all right, let's, what are we holding onto right now?
You see, like you never got fat or you never got like really badly out of shape.
When you see a guy like jelly roll, like I have so much respect for that man.
Yeah.
I have so much respect for that man.
That dude lost 300 pounds.
Dude, how?
He lost 300 pounds.
No Ozempic.
Just stopped eating sugar.
That was no Ozempic?
No Ozempic.
He's, he took testosterone replacement.
That's it.
That's fucking sick.
Sick.
I just assumed.
I was like, he's gotta be on Ozempic.
He started off just walking, man.
That's all.
Just trying to walk.
When he came here, we'd last time we did a podcast, he ran, I forget.
I think he ran 6.2 miles the day before.
So they ran like the, he was deer hunting down in South Texas.
And he was with my friend Cam Haynes and they went on a run.
They did 6.2 miles.
They ran and hills and shit.
Yeah.
And then he came in here before the podcast.
He ran 2.6 on the treadmill.
So I was working out and he was over there running and talking and laughing.
Look how good he looks.
Yeah.
How crazy is that?
Fucking nuts.
It's amazing.
It's amazing.
And then we did the whole deal.
We did the sauna afterwards.
It was awesome.
How long, how long did he lose it?
Three years.
Three years.
God damn.
That's crazy.
And he did it the right way.
He did it the hard way.
Just working out and eating right.
No sugar.
No bullshit.
Eating clean food.
And just slowly let his body drop over and over and over again.
He's got to feel awesome.
Yeah.
It's got to be amazing.
Damn.
How'd you say that's doing like career wise?
If he has like a persona and his nose is like this, you know, I guess his
family.
He's got an amazing voice.
Yeah.
I mean, the amazing voice is still amazing.
Yeah.
It changes with the fluctuation with weight a little bit.
I'm sure.
How does it change?
I don't know.
I've heard like if you're like an alto or something like that and you're
certain, you're at a certain
weight, it can change if you kind of, cause this is your diaphragms, I guess,
in your stomach.
I know some dudes who lost a lot of weight and they didn't like the way they
look when
they were thin cause their head was too big.
Yeah.
Isn't that weird?
Yeah.
Like your head gets big when you get heavier.
Yeah.
Oh, it just grows.
Yeah.
It makes sense.
It would grow with your fucking body.
Yeah.
You know what?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So it makes you a better singer.
But does it though?
Because like opera singers, aren't they all fat?
I think so.
Classically.
I wonder if you have to be.
I don't know.
Are there any like really thin, like handsome opera singers?
Yeah.
I don't know about all fat.
I think it's like.
I like to just generalize.
I think it's like a car.
I think it's like a car.
I think it's like a car.
I think it's like a car.
It's like a car.
It's like a car.
It's like a car.
It's like a car.
It's like a car.
I think it's like a car.
It's like a car.
That's a cartoon.
Yeah.
I have the same thing.
I'm like, yeah, I've seen that in cartoons as well.
Oh, those are the big fat jolly guys.
That's a fat lady with viking helmets.
Yeah.
It's always.
But that sounds good though.
So your voice gets clearer, higher pitched.
And it's not as much effort.
Yeah.
Sounds like that's R&B legend status then.
You can do high notes.
Also, cat cardio.
Like you'll have way more cardio.
Mm-hmm.
Like you'll, your heart won't beat as fast.
You'll be able to have more oxygen to sing.
Yeah, dude.
It's all good.
Yeah.
And his voice is amazing.
And it's his songwriting too.
It's not just the voice.
It's like what he's singing about.
Yeah.
It's like, that's not going to get worse.
Yeah.
And his, his fans, I'm, I have it like a weird thing in my head where like for
comedy, I'm
like, if I get in too good of shape, people are going to be like, fuck this guy.
Which I don't, that's not what's stopping me, but it's like, you always wonder
about that.
Like I wonder if they'd be like, damn.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Well, that is a weird thing.
Like I never, I don't think it matters.
Go on stage with a t-shirt on.
Yeah.
If you're too jacked.
Yeah.
Like I would never go on stage with a tank top on.
Tank would be, tank might be kind of funny.
Tank would be kind of funny.
That's crazy.
That would be crazy.
Rich Voss used to do that all the time.
He always wore a tank top on stage.
That's funny.
That makes perfect sense.
Yeah, Voss.
Yeah.
Character.
Like Kid Rock style.
I just saw, I just saw, did you see the workout vid?
No, what do you mean?
What?
You didn't see the Kid Rock, Robert Kennedy workout vid?
Shut up.
You didn't see this?
No.
Bro.
You said he did it off social media, so you must have really got off social
media.
I'm off social media.
Dude.
Yeah.
It is, it's very funny.
I'm off social media, but apparently I'm not off the fucking news, which I
think I have
to be off now.
Yeah.
Because I haven't been gone on social media, but I'll read the Apple news feed
and the Google
news feed and I'm like, fuck.
That's basically scrolling too.
I tried the same thing.
I was reading about B-52s headed to some Air Force base, nuclear equipped B-52s.
I'm like, what are we doing?
Yeah.
So let me see this workout video.
It's Kid Rock and, oh Jesus Christ.
Bro.
Oh, this must be Kid Rock's house.
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
Rock out, work out.
RFK Jr. works out in jeans.
Yeah.
Look, he always works out in jeans, which is so crazy.
Yeah, this is Kid Rock's house.
Kid Rock has a fucking insane house that looks like the White House.
The outside of it looks like the White House.
But the inside of it has two bedrooms and it's like 25,000 square feet.
It's an enormous house with two bedrooms.
What?
They all just party.
Yeah.
He's got a huge like hot tub room.
Look at RFK Jr.'s fucking jacked, dude.
He's jacked, dude.
He's awesome.
For 70?
On the airdyne?
Look at him doing push-ups.
These guys are doing the airdyne in the sauna.
I know.
Wild.
Yeah, I think they go to his like-
Cold plunge with jeans on?
Cold plunge jeans.
What are you doing?
Crazy, bro.
What the fuck are you doing?
That is ridiculous.
What's wrong with your legs?
Now I need to know.
Where's Kid?
So this is his crazy room that looks like a mining cavern.
I've heard of his secret grotto.
He's got like this- it's really cool.
He's really into pickleball, too.
He plays pickleball every morning.
That's what he's telling me.
He goes, "Get up and play pickleball at 7:00 a.m."
He's like, "Dude, I fucking love it."
That's what it looks like.
Look at how dope that is.
His house is so dope.
Yeah, that's pretty awesome.
It's the fucking dopest house I've ever seen in my life.
Yeah, that's awesome.
And it's such a Kid Rock house.
Like the outside of it looks exactly like the White House.
That's just larger.
I don't want you to be distracted from the whole milk they're drinking in the
hot tub.
Oh, they're drinking raw milk.
That's raw, bro.
Yeah.
Can I bring your attention to something that's been happening on the internet
since we've
been live?
Yes.
President Trump was asked about Obama talking about the aliens.
I got a video on the screen.
Oh, perfect.
I want to hear it myself.
Yeah.
Barack Obama said that aliens are real.
Have you seen any evidence of non-human visitors to Earth?
Well, he gave classified information.
He's not supposed to be doing that.
So aliens are real?
Well, I don't know if they're real or not.
I can tell you he gave classified information.
He's not supposed to be doing that.
He made a big mistake.
He took it out of classified information.
No, I don't, I don't have an opinion on it.
I never talked about it.
A lot of people do.
A lot of people believe it.
Do you believe it, Peter?
I do now.
I may get him out of trouble by declassifying.
We know illegal aliens.
I may get him out of trouble by declassifying.
That's hilarious.
What else?
That's it.
Ah.
What's going around the internet in the circles?
I may get him out of trouble by declassifying.
Geez, I hope he does.
Yeah, really?
Yeah.
Can you imagine you can get in trouble as a president for saying aliens are
real?
I don't think so, man.
I don't think he's going to get in trouble for that.
Well, what did he say then?
What was that?
They've been saying there's aliens.
Right, but what did he just say?
He just hates Obama.
He's going like, oh, he's going to jail.
I'm getting Hillary and I'm getting Obama for aliens.
They all hate each other and then they all hang out and shake hands.
Yeah.
Yeah, whose funeral was that when like George Bush and them were handing out
candy to each other?
It was like George Bush.
Well, George Bush and Michelle Obama are apparently friends.
Oh, they're buddies.
Yeah.
Okay.
Which everybody thought, but George Bush never engaged in like this insult kind
of thing that Trump does.
It's true.
It's a different thing.
Yeah.
It's totally, no, that's totally true.
He was always very classy.
Yeah.
And especially when you see the videos of him back in the day, like now you're
like, man, this guy's like lovable.
Oh, dude.
In comparison to the politicians of today.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
He was like, oh, when is he running again?
Class, that guy's a complete class act.
And then you're like, oh yeah, fuck the Middle East, forgot about that.
But it's like.
Oh yeah.
Well, he had Satan on his side.
Yeah.
True.
Dick Cheney was running around fucking shooting his friends in the face and
hunting trips.
That's true.
I don't know.
He's like, did, it wasn't classified.
There's like now, but then if Trump's going to be like that, he gave out
classified, then
he's letting you know it's classifieds.
Right.
And he's telling you the cat's out of the bags.
Well, he's saying I may declassify it.
I hope he does.
I hope this like gets him.
Yeah.
Because that is a weird thing to say.
He's not supposed to be saying that.
Well, that means it's real.
He gave out classified information.
That means there's real data that aliens are real.
That's the only thing you could draw as a conclusion from that statement.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah, you would think.
I think, I don't think is it.
I would try, like, try to come up with another reasonable way he would say
aliens are real.
You shouldn't say that because it's classified.
Yeah.
That means it's real.
Yeah, it is.
But that's like, that's such a crazy, if Trump was trying to keep it classified,
you'd think
he'd be like, I don't know what he's talking about.
I don't know, dude.
Being like, well, yeah, they are, but I can't say they are and he's in trouble
now.
I told you I've talked to Bob Lazar many times.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I had him on the podcast.
I had dinner with him and Andrew Schultz.
Schultz was in town in LA.
I go, what are you doing tonight?
And he goes, why?
What's up?
I go, you want to go have dinner with Bob Lazar?
He's the guy that used to back engineer UFOs at Area 51.
He goes, fuck.
Yes.
Damn.
All right.
So we went to Fogo to Chow in LA.
That's awesome.
And we sat down with Bob Lazar and just got to ask him all these questions.
I've talked, I've known him for years now.
So I've known him for probably when I did the podcast with him.
What year was that, Jamie?
2019?
2019.
So I've known him for six, seven years now.
Okay.
However it runs out time-wise.
And he's always had the same story.
He's a very reasonable guy.
You hang out with, I've had dinner with him a couple of times.
Super normal guy.
Doesn't seem like a big fat liar.
Obviously a scientist.
Like obviously like a very brilliant guy.
Like, I don't know what to think.
I keep searching for some bullshit.
I keep searching for some thing.
He never saw any aliens.
He never saw anything.
He just was back engineering these crafts that didn't make any sense.
He's like, he got there.
He saw it.
The moment he saw it, it looked like that thing.
That's what it's based on.
Whoa.
That thing on the desk, that's the sport model.
Jesus Christ.
Nice.
There's a guy named Designs by Perry.
And the E in Perry is a three.
And he makes these.
You can buy them on the internet.
He makes like a desk clock or a desk lamp rather.
So he'd have to like examine the like motor or whatever, the mechanisms of that.
Well, they didn't even tell him what he was doing.
So this is what it was.
So he worked at Los Alamos.
Los Alamos Labs in New Mexico.
And he was a propulsions expert.
He had famously put a jet engine on the back of a Honda.
Like he built a Honda with a jet engine on it.
Just for funsies.
Yeah.
Just a genius.
Yeah.
Just loved engineering and doing things.
And he had contacted this guy about getting some work.
Some, you know, work in laboratories or whatever.
And he said, I might have something for you that is more along the lines with
your capabilities.
I'm going to set up a meeting for you.
So he sets up this meeting for him.
He has no idea what the meeting is about.
He has no idea what they're doing.
They don't tell him.
They just start asking him about his background.
What he did at Los Alamos.
What he's interested in.
And he's like, it just tells his whole story of science and this and that.
And so they had already heard about him.
So they go, okay, show up at this place.
There's airplanes that are going to fly you out to where you're going.
So he's like, okay.
So no one even knew about these airplanes back then.
Now it's been confirmed that there's a bunch of airplanes right outside of Mandalay
Bay.
You could see these airplanes that they fly the employees that work in Area 51
and they live in Las Vegas.
They just fly him out there.
But nobody knew about this in 1989 when he was talking about it when he blew
the whistle on it.
Yeah, yeah.
And so they fly him out there.
They, you know, show him how everything works for a couple days in terms of how
the base works and where you have access to, what you don't have access to.
They bring him this guy that is his coworker that was there before and then it
was going to show him the ropes.
And then a couple days in, they bring him into a hanger and there's that thing.
And it has American flag sticker on it.
And so he goes, oh, these are ours.
He's like, oh my God, no wonder why people are seeing these things.
This is something that we have.
So then they tell him, essentially tell us how it works.
It's like, what is this a test?
Like what?
Like they're very vague about everything.
No one's telling him where it came from.
No one's telling him anything.
And then he realizes like the whole thing doesn't make sense because there's no
welds.
There's no seams.
It's like, it's 3D printed and you have to crawl in it because it's designed
for people that are like three feet tall.
Whoa.
And there's no controls in it.
It's like, what is this?
And there's this generator in the center of it that has this triangle piece.
of this element that doesn't even exist on earth.
This element 115.
He's like, wait, what the fuck is going on?
And they explained to him, you bombard this element with radiation.
This is how this thing works.
Put this dome on it, gets bombarded with radiation.
And then that causes this field around this craft that allows you to move
around.
Whoa.
And so they do a demonstration for him.
He goes outside.
They fly this thing.
When he's under it, he can't see it.
He has to step away from where he is so he can see it again.
He's like, what the fuck is this thing?
It's not making any noise.
It moves around.
It gives off this glowing light when whatever this generator inside of it is
operational.
It gives off this blue glowing light.
And this thing was silently flying around.
And occasionally, it would go from one point to another very quickly.
Like it could go from like this part of the mountain to that part of the
mountain and just appear there.
And it would look like it just disappeared because it would move so fast.
It would just appear in a new place, it seemed like.
What was steering the thing?
I don't understand it.
And he didn't understand it either.
They don't exactly know.
He knows how supposedly this generator, there's these gravity beam projectors
that are on the bottom of it.
And the way you get it to fly fast, it would turn sideways.
And then it would point these gravity projectors or whatever they called it
into a certain direction.
It would create this void around this craft.
And it would just instantaneously go to wherever it was supposed to go.
Fuck, dude.
That's crazy.
Right.
And so he's working on this for, you know, months and months.
And then his wife starts having an affair on him because he doesn't tell her
what he's doing.
It's like super top secret.
And so when you have this super top secret clearance, you can't tell anybody
what you're doing.
Yeah.
So he's like, I got to go to work.
She's like, it's 11 o'clock at night.
Where are you going?
He's like, I have to go to work.
So he would just jet off.
And she was like, well, I'm going to go fuck my flight attendant or my flight
instructor.
So this is all recorded because they're tapping his phones.
And so they suspend him because they were wondering if he's going to be
emotionally unstable.
So while he's suspended, he takes his friends.
He's like, I got to tell people about this.
Like, I can't even work.
Something's going on.
I got to tell these people.
Like, hey, every Wednesday, I have the schedule.
Every Wednesday, they fly these fucking things.
And the reason why they do it on Wednesday is because that's when there's the
least amount of traffic on the roads.
So he takes his wife and he takes a couple of friends and he takes them up to
see this thing.
And they go once and then they go twice and then they get caught.
Damn.
And then when they get caught, then they grill him, they scare him.
They're poking him in the chest with a gun and they're freaking him out.
And then they tell him about his wife and the affair and all this shit.
And so then he goes public.
And so he gets a hold of this guy, George Knapp, who's a news reporter in Las
Vegas.
And he tells him the story.
And at first, initially, they black his face out.
And, you know, like, so he could remain anonymous.
He's like, look, the only way I could stay alive, you have to show my face.
Because they're threatening him.
They broke into his house.
He goes outside.
He goes to the gym, goes outside.
His trunk is open.
His hood is open.
All his doors are open.
The car was locked.
No one broke into it.
So he has no idea.
They're fucking with him.
Jesus Christ, man.
And he's really worried.
Someone shoots his tire out on the highway.
Where is he now?
He's...
Just chilling?
Well, he's...
I don't know if I'm supposed to say where he lives.
Oh, whatever.
But he's, like, around.
Yeah.
No, he's around.
I mean, this is a long time ago.
It was a long time ago.
And, you know, he was kind of discredited.
They tried to discredit him.
They said he never worked at Los Alamos Labs.
But then someone got a hold of the employee roster from the time that he was
working there.
And his name's listed there.
So someone who worked there at the time said, I have the employee roster from,
you know,
1985 or whatever it was.
And he says, like, here, right here.
And they go through the roster and it says right there, Robert Lazar.
Damn.
And there's also a newspaper article that was printed about him being a
physicist at Los
Alamos Labs and that he had made this crazy jet engine powered Honda.
Yeah.
And so there's him with the Honda and he's listed in this lab that he's a
physicist at this lab.
Dude, that shit's so weird.
And then what that guy just said?
Yeah.
What Trump just said?
He's not supposed to say that.
It's classified.
Like...
Yeah.
What?
Why don't you fucking tell us?
Well, I always wonder if they're going to try to do, like, a Space Force thing.
Where it's like, WMD is the Middle East.
We go to the Middle East.
Now they're going like, yeah, I think there are aliens.
And it's like, now we get to do, like, Space Force shit.
I think if they're aliens, you can't do shit to them.
I know.
But it's also, like, if you want to erect some weird defense thing in outer
space so we can spy on China, it's like, yeah.
I think there probably are aliens, by the way.
It's like, there's...
I would imagine there's something.
I would imagine there's something.
Because the government, whenever they start floating out things, like, I always...
I assume there's, like, an agenda.
I'm like, all right, what are they doing here?
100%.
Because they just dropped aliens on us out of nowhere and everyone was kind of
like, okay.
Well, it really started around 2017.
Yeah.
That's when it started to become legitimized.
Because that was when the New York Times printed this article about it.
And they talked about these pilots and their experiences and these videos that
they couldn't explain
because these crafts had no heat signature and they were flying at ridiculous
speeds over the ocean.
Yeah.
I remember them just coming out with it.
And then, like, just be...
And then they start doing the UAP thing and all that stuff.
And they're like, yeah, there's, like, unidentified crafts and, you know, blah,
blah, blah.
So I'm always kind of like, what are they up to?
Yeah, it's weird.
What the hell are these guys up to right now?
It's hard to know what's real and what's not real.
But when you start talking to pilots and people that have experienced certain
things, you know, you just go, wow, what is this guy saying?
Yeah, and again, I don't deny it.
I'm always kind of like, yeah, you probably did see that stuff.
But it's like, I don't know, you know, it's like...
Why is it classified?
It's got to be...
I would imagine it's military stuff where they're like, we want to use it for...
We want to reverse engineer and use it for our military if this gets into
another military's hands, blah, blah, blah.
But then they're all spying on each other.
So I would imagine they would know too.
Well, the people that I've talked to said that Russia and China both have
retrieved crashes.
Really?
Yeah, it's not just America that has them.
It's other countries that have them too.
Damn.
Supposedly, this is the big story.
Supposedly.
There's one that's so big that they can't move it.
So they built a building around it.
And that's supposed to be in Korea.
What?
Supposedly.
That's why I heard it's in Korea.
But yeah, this is the lore.
That this thing is so big that they couldn't move it that they had to put a
building around it.
Dude, that's wild.
That'll be...
The thing I always think about, if they come out and say, "Yeah, there's
definitely aliens."
Like, what do people do?
Yeah.
This is the building, supposedly?
Whoa.
A giant building in South Korea is often been cited as a potential UFO storage
facility.
Can you imagine if they just built it the shape of a UFO?
That kind of looks like it honestly.
That's so crazy.
Dude, do a square building.
What's in that fucking building?
I don't know.
Imagine if that's real.
Yeah.
What is this?
Why are they...
Why do they think this?
Well, I would imagine that place would have to be heavily guarded.
Yeah.
There's just a gate.
Who's that guy?
Eric Burleson insisted on the existence of aliens, but admitted he has no
definitive proof.
Okay.
I was talking to that video I showed you the other day who said he was going to
go look at these places.
He was going to go look in Korea?
He mentioned he was going to go look at the underground one.
He didn't say where it was.
Oh, this is the congressman.
The congressman has claimed.
Yeah.
So scroll down there a little lower.
So here it is.
"US congressman has claimed classified facility housing a UFO is hiding in
plain sight."
Well, that's kind of hiding in plain sight.
They literally made a little antenna on the top just like this sport model.
Look at this sport model.
It has that antenna on the top.
I don't know what to believe, man, but I know I want to believe.
270 feet in diameter.
Holy shit.
Yeah.
That's fucking...
That's insane.
Yeah.
Especially now with all the deep fake stuff that's going to come out.
The next election will be in like deep fake territory.
Everyone will be like, you were on the Epstein list.
You were on it.
No, you were...
I'm like, I'm just, you know.
You could have people saying all kinds of things that they've never said.
Or being like, I didn't do that.
Hanging out with people that never hung out.
I mean, there was all these photos that were fake of Epstein with a bunch of
different people.
Oh, yeah.
No, there was there was a completely fake videos people were sharing.
Yeah.
It's like, you know, so I don't know.
By that time, it's like, I've been trying to just pull back completely from
like the news.
And I'm like, you know.
Hey, what is the official story of the Colbert show where they had to air that
Tallarico
interview on YouTube?
Because I'm hearing two versions.
I'm hearing one version is that CBS wouldn't let them air it.
Because like Trump was involved in the government was involved somehow or
another because they're
worried about this Tallarico guys is very charismatic guy in Texas that I
really like.
Very nice guy.
I'm on the show.
And Brian Simpson told me about him.
And then the other thing that I'm hearing is no with FCC equal time rules.
If he had Tallarico on, he would also have to have Tallarico's opponent, which
is, I think,
Jasmine Crockett.
Is that true?
I didn't even know whoever his opponent is.
So I think there's rules like that for the FCC that don't exist for podcasts.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, yeah, they have to balance it.
Yeah.
Like if you have this person on that's running for office, you also have to
have someone that
is opposing them.
Okay.
They have to have equal time.
I didn't know they had that.
Is that true?
So he was on, was he was on Colbert's show?
Whose show was he on?
Yeah.
Stephen Colbert's show.
Okay.
And so they were framing it like it was, the government was censoring this guy
because there
were, and he was saying they're worried that they're going to flip Texas.
That's what you're saying.
Yeah.
I don't know if that's true though.
Because I, I'm.
So it's the, honestly, this sounds like it's a Colbert saying one thing.
CBS lawyers are saying a different thing.
Oh, okay.
What are CBS lawyers saying?
They're saying that it's the FCC thing.
Colbert says, quote, here, they know damn well every word of my script was
approved by CBS
lawyers who for the record approve every script that goes on the air.
Yeah, but it's not about the script.
It's about the humans, the people that are on.
Yeah.
Here it is.
The show provided legal guidance that the broadcast could trigger the FCC equal
time rule for two
other candidates, including rep Jasmine Crockett and presented options for how
equal time for other candidates could be fulfilled.
So you would have to have equal time.
Colbert scoffed at the statement during Tuesday's show.
They know damn well every word of my script, but it doesn't have anything to do
with the script.
Said they don't know damn well that every word of my script last night was
approved by CBS lawyers who for the record approved every script that goes on
the air.
Well, that's this diverting because that's not what the subject is.
It says the words on here.
Okay.
I got called backstage to get more notes from these lawyers.
Something that had never ever happened before.
They told us the language they wanted me to use to describe that equal time
exception.
And I use that language, Colbert said.
So I don't know what this is about.
He went on to say he wasn't mad at the network and does not want an adversarial
relationship.
Well, he's on his way out anyway.
Yeah.
I thought I didn't know he still was doing a show.
Yeah.
He's doing it.
I think until like April or May or something.
Come on.
You're paramount.
No, no, no.
You're more than that.
You're paramount.
Plus he cracked.
And for the lawyers to release this statement without even talking to me is
really surprising.
The host also noted there's been a long, very famous exception to the equal
time rule and
that exception included talk shows, interviews with politicians.
Oh, interesting.
So that makes it interesting.
We looked, we couldn't find one example of this rule being enforced for any
talk show interview,
not only for my entire late night career, but for anyone's late night career
going back
to the 1960s, he said.
He said that Carr has not gotten rid of that exception exception for a talk
show host yet.
Maybe CBS was worried that this is a rule and that the government could crack
down on them.
Although no one has ever done that in the past.
So this is a different kind of government, right?
Obviously.
Yeah.
Adversarial relationship, CBS, or at least the Colbert show has already with
Trump.
Yeah.
What are they worried about?
Who is, who is, what party is Tallarico?
He's a Democrat.
Democrat.
And what's Crockett?
What's Crockett?
She's a Democrat as well.
She's a Democrat too.
So what is like, oh, they're running against each other.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Okay.
Tallarico is the white guy.
He's a guy, his story is very interesting.
He was a school teacher.
Okay.
And his story was that he had this kid that was very troubled in his class, but
the kid was receiving
counseling and was starting to get better, but then budgets got cut.
And when budgets got cut, they cut off the counseling and this kid started
fucking off
and, you know, acting out and really falling apart.
And he wound up getting kicked out of school and it really hurt him.
Cause he was like, this kid had like real potential and he is a teacher, you
know?
Yeah.
And so then he decided to run for office and to try to remedy these problems.
Gotcha.
So didn't he just get like jammed up with something now or like they were,
someone claimed
they were in his office and that he said something kind of like disparaging
about like a black
guy.
Tallarico?
He's a very mild mannered looking guy, right?
Yeah.
There was, I don't know if I'm getting my politicians.
See man, when people are running against people, stories start a flying.
But there was a, it was about another politician.
All he said was like, I didn't know I was going up against, you know, this,
like, I don't
know, I guess like a, whatever word he used, like electrifying black.
I thought I was going up against a mediocre black guy.
That was it.
He apparently, some lady claimed that he called Colin Allred a mediocre black
man.
Faced allegations that he referred to his opponent Colin Allred as a mediocre
black man during
a private conversation with an influencer.
An influencer.
Yeah.
A comment Rep Tallarico has denied.
The allegation caused significant backlash with Allred calling for supporters
to vote for
another candidate, Jasmine Crockett.
Oh yeah.
So it's like, yeah, that's a way to get people to not vote for that guy.
Yeah.
Kind of sucks.
An influencer said it.
An influencer was like, I worked in his campaign and he was like, if I'd known
I was
going up against this strong black woman, I wouldn't have known.
I thought I was running against a mediocre black man.
And then the guy responded being like, nothing about me is mediocre.
You know, they kind of had it.
I'm looking into what the penalty is for the equal time rule.
And I don't really see one.
Poor Tallarico is having a tough time.
Especially if it sounds like he's a sweet guy who's like trying to help kids
out.
And there's, you know, it sucks.
His name is too close to the guy that killed Epstein.
What was his name?
Taglione.
I keep fucking him up.
Taglione, Tallarico.
There's a, yeah.
I keep confusing them.
When I say the killer's name, that cop, I keep saying, I think his name is Taglione.
No, Tallarico.
No, shit.
It's going to catch up to him.
He's like, I think this guy killed Epstein actually.
The thing is like an influencer said like, what does that mean?
Yeah.
I mean, it's, I mean, look, yeah, it's pretty genius though.
If you want to do dirty politics, you can just be like.
But what if he said, I was going, I thought I was going up against this
mediocre guy.
And now I'm going up against this powerful black lady.
That's what, it's not a bad, but then he didn't, he was like, you know, I'd be
like, that makes sense.
But he is a black man.
So if you're saying mediocre guy and it happens to be a black man, and then
that person says, he said mediocre black man.
Like.
Yeah.
It's not, it's not even that bad of a thing to say.
All you'd have to do is just not say the black part.
And it'd be like, oh, he's just talking about a politician.
I know.
The guy's mediocre.
I know.
Happens to be black, but he's mediocre.
But as soon as you describe him accurately.
Yeah.
You just, you're fried.
You're fried.
Especially, especially if you're a damn man.
If you're dead, you cannot be going.
No.
Yeah.
He's a religious guy too, which is interesting, but also opposes putting the 10
commandments
in schools.
Okay.
Yeah.
He said, I think it's going to push people away from Christianity.
He had a very well thought out point about it.
Yeah.
We had a really good conversation.
Also, you don't need to be in school and be like, thou shall not commit adultery.
It's like, yeah, dude, they're not going to fuck your wife.
Like.
Well, it's not that.
It's like pushing this religious rule, these religious rules on people.
And it's one religion.
It's like, what about people that are Buddhists?
What about people that are Muslims?
What about people that are Mormons?
Yeah.
What about, you can go down the list forever and ever and ever.
Hindus.
Like, what do you, come on.
Yeah.
And it's also, you can, you know, you can kind of summarize it up and like,
just be nice.
You know, I, I, I worked in a high school for awhile.
I was a counselor.
Oh really?
Yeah.
I was like a, I went to school for social work for awhile.
So like, what kind of counseling would you do?
Just like therapy.
There was, it was, it was a really cool way they did.
It was like, it was, you know, it was a charter school and I was there as an
intern.
Cause I was, I was getting my master's in social work.
So they would have interns there as therapists for the school kids basically.
So that the kids could get free therapy at school if they're exhibiting kind of
problems
or whatever.
Hmm.
So it was like, I worked at a, like, it was like an inner city school in Philly
and I would
just go there and chill in an office and they were just like, I'd have to get
kids some class
and they would just come.
We would like talk a couple of times a week and then you could bring their
family in if
they, if they're like, they have problems at home.
You can be like, all right, let's call the mom and dad.
But this is what this guy was talking about.
This is what Tallarico was talking about, what they cut funding for.
Yeah.
It's a shame.
Cause this, this school was like, they kind of like ran at them.
I guess they were getting funded by the, uh, state, but they, the way they got
around
it was just using interns.
So it wasn't like, you know, you're not getting like the most experienced
people in the world.
But you're getting some help.
Getting something, man.
Yeah.
Well, this kid that he was talking about, he had this very detailed story about
this kid
who was like a good kid.
Just came from a fucked up house and he wanted to, and these people around him
were the only positive
influences that he had ever had.
And he was starting to get better.
Yeah.
He took it away and he starts falling apart.
Yeah.
And it, dude, it's also like, you don't, you forget like, you know, cause there's
like,
for kids when you like, especially you're like in a city and kids are telling
you like
their lives, it's like, it's fucking heartbreaking.
It is.
Like the shit, like their day to day set up, you'd be like fucking Christ, man.
Yeah.
And then there's looking at you like, what do I do?
And I'm like, you gotta hang in there.
There's nothing I, there's literally nothing I can tell you to do.
You just gotta hang in there.
Right.
It was sad, but it was, it was one of like my favorite, if I didn't do standup,
I would probably
do that for a job.
Yeah.
I loved it.
It was fun.
That's what, well, it sounds very rewarding, right?
Yeah.
You're actually helping people.
Yeah.
And you have to, it's just like intense.
You're just sitting there in a room with somebody and it's like everything they're
saying,
there's no like guidance.
You have to just be like, all right, well like maybe this, maybe that.
And it's like a, I don't know.
I felt really, I always liked it a lot.
It was pretty cool.
Right.
But then you would like, you go back to the school and I, I, it's so funny.
I went to social work school just because I was doing standup.
I was kind of kicking around.
I was like, yeah, I was doing the podcast, but it was like slow going.
And I remember watching Jordan Peterson be like, the schools are crazy right
now.
And part of me, like I always, I wanted to be a therapist, but I remember being
like kind
of curious, like, I wonder how bad they are.
And I went to school.
I went to my master's program in social work, which was like ground zero for
all like the
stuff he was talking about.
And he was, dude, it was, it was literally like worse than he made it out to be.
What was it like?
It was insane, dude.
It was literally like, you know, I went to school again to be a therapist, but
like social
work, you can be a therapist faster than if you go to school for psychology.
Cause you just like, don't need any of the science really.
You just study kind of like the theory and you know, whatever.
So you can be a therapist quicker.
It's like a shortcut kind of, but it would be like, it was just literally, you'd
be in
a room with like 13 other people and they would like, you know, you talk about
whatever
it'd be like, let's, let's talk about like clinical approaches here and there.
It would just right away turn into like race, gender, who's the most oppressed,
do this.
And it was just like, people would tell stories.
Like one time this guy said this to me and everyone would be like, I can't
believe that
fucking guy said that.
It was literally like nothing.
You paid 60 grand.
It was like, like I would be terrified if I was getting therapy.
And again, it's like not everybody, but there's a lot of very, people would cry
in class.
So you'd be like talking and like people would just start bursting out in tears.
Like I don't feel safe.
It was insane.
And I'm like, dude, you're going to be talking to people who are like homeless.
How are you going to help them?
Oh my God.
And it was all female.
It was mostly female dominated.
It was like me and three or four other guys.
And then like people would come in cause you'd bring your case files in and be
like, here's
something I'm dealing with.
Let me get some, you know, what do you think about this?
I remember this guy was dealing with this like Vietnam vet who like, you know,
had like lived
in Philly his whole life.
And he was like, I was just shocked the way he talked about women.
And it's like, bro, you dirty Mac and your client dude for these chicks.
I'm like, come on, man.
It was just kind of weird.
It was like, dude, you know, he's a fucking 70 year old dude.
He's lived in Philly his whole life.
He probably stabbed Charlie in a tunnel somewhere.
Yeah.
And he was like, he was just very crude about women.
It's like, come on, man.
Of course this guy is.
Yeah.
Don't throw him under the fucking bus.
You're supposed to be helping.
That was my whole point.
It was like, if you're doing therapy with people, it's like, you know, life is
just so hard
and so complex.
And if you're going to be like, this doesn't sit with my party politics.
I was like, you guys got to drop the political shit, man.
And just like meet these people where they're at.
There's so many guys out there that just want brownie points.
That's what I, and dude, he's exactly what it was.
I was like, dude, I know what you're doing right now.
Dirty Mac in this guy.
So you can be like, personally, I was offended.
I'm like, dude, I was the worst.
I could, I couldn't stand it at all.
Those guys are the worst.
Then they try to kick me out of the school.
Cause cause when Shane got in trouble for SNL, my name popped up in the byline.
Cause I, they had no clue.
I had, it was like a double life.
I would do it.
I would go to social work school.
Cause I just took out loans.
I'm like, we'll just see what, you know, if the podcast works, I'll just pay
off the loans.
If it doesn't, I'll have a degree.
And so I had been, it had been pretty contentious.
Cause my plan was like, dude, just go keep it cool.
Don't say anything.
And then dude, you'd be in these classrooms.
And like, I remember the one time this lady and they're all like young, they'd
write out of college.
They'd come out and they'd be like, well, and I believe this was like unprompted.
She was like, well, if she was like, I would never personally call the cops on
a black person ever.
And I'm sitting in the back of the room and I'm like, no one's going to say
this is the craziest thing.
And I'm like, what if he was beating a woman?
And she was like, I mean, like, and like, it was just that non fucking stop.
And I couldn't help it.
So I would start saying stuff.
The room would go into chaos.
So like, I literally couldn't bite my tongue.
And then eventually they found once they, they already kind of had it out for
me.
And once that news came out about the podcast, they were like, we got them dead
to rights.
So then they, they like the student council, like they, all of them, they didn't
like me at all.
They all kind of did a motion to get me kicked out.
And so the teacher came to her, like, you know, the Dean or whatever, who
actually was nice.
I liked her a lot.
She was like, I had a meeting with her and she was like, yeah, these people
feel unsafe, blah, blah, blah.
So I had, I had to do it.
And it was like unsafe or they just don't, you know, they don't like what they're
doing.
But like they, I had a meeting with like the board basically, which you ever
like fantasize about getting, like defending yourself in court.
Yeah.
I got to do that.
And I got to have like a, you know, we got to like debate about whether or not
I actually violated the code of ethics.
And it was like kind of this gray area.
So it was like, it was awesome.
I recorded it on my phone.
Wow.
It's like an hour long.
I never listened to it again, but it was like, cause I was like, just in case
they jam me up.
The lady was like, you know, like if, what would you do if we kicked you out?
And I was like, dude, like I'll, I'll make the most of that for sure.
Like I wouldn't want to do it, but I'd, I would just see you guys, man.
Like you can't kick me out.
I'm already like invested.
I, you know, blah, blah, blah.
And then COVID happened.
So like, they were just hushed at all.
I just got to finish online class.
But yeah, they tried to give me the boot.
And I remember the day.
Wow.
Did they have a specific thing that they were upset about?
Was it your association with Shane?
It was just that clip that Chinatown clip came out and they just saw us like, I'm
sure
they like looked into other stuff, but they were like, he's making this place
unsafe.
We're not safe here.
And I was like, shut up.
Shut up.
Yeah.
Podcasters and academia.
It was dude.
It was academia.
That does not go together.
Also dude.
Like I thought like having a masters, I was going to be around geniuses.
It's like, they're not that smart.
You go to a place of masters and PhDs.
Half of them don't even like read anything.
You talk about a book.
I never heard of that.
And then they'd show you like Netflix.
Like bro, I'm paying 60 grand for this.
You're hitting me with a Netflix doc.
It's like, this is eight bucks a month.
They were showing you Netflix docs in class?
Yeah.
We watched a Netflix doc.
One of the classes we watched like the 13th amendment.
And I was like, I saw this already.
What the fuck man?
Like it's the, that like, I mean, I remember thinking like, damn, everyone's on
Peterson's
ass about this.
He was totally right.
Liberal, liberal arts colleges were like, it was, I couldn't have thought of a
bigger waste
of money in terms of like bang for buck.
And like, what did I actually learn?
Well, I remember when we were talking about all the madness that was going on.
In schools and people like, why do you care about this?
This is happening in college.
I'm like, they're going to eventually graduate and they're going to have this
ideology and
they're going to get into corporations.
They're going to get into business.
They're going to carry this with them and try to enforce these crazy rules.
Or, you know, somebody like your kids having problems and you go to a therapist
and they're
just like psycho.
Like there was, we were talking about modalities of therapy.
One of them, someone floated and the teacher was like, oh yeah, for sure.
It was called like, it was, I don't know what it was called.
It was like activism therapy where you get people politically active in order
to like motivate
them and enrich their lives.
And I was like, you can't do that.
You can't take it like you can fuse existentially adrift person and be like,
this is what you
need to do.
Go politically.
I swear to God, dude, it was, there was, there was like really creepy stuff
going on there.
And it was all just like complete group think.
You couldn't like, if you said anything outside of like what was acceptable
that you would
just get punished.
The teachers would kind of even like some of them would try to like scold you
or be like,
yeah, okay, dude.
And it's like, it's, it's a lot.
It would, I could see it why it would just break people.
Cause I would like, my heart would be beating.
I don't really like conflict like that.
Yeah.
But it was also like, dude, some of the stuff you're like, I can't not say
anything.
This is insane, dude.
Do you ever talk about this on stage?
No, I've never really talked about being in social work.
Oh my God.
It's like, there's gold in them thar hills.
True.
It was fun at that time of the podcast.
I would leave school.
I would, then I come back to the podcast, but bro, you won't believe the fuck
these people
would say.
You say it on the podcast.
Oh, that's awesome.
It just seems like it's a great goldmine for standup.
Yeah.
Like, cause you have a very unique experience.
True.
As a window into how crazy people are in school.
Yeah, no, it was, it was terrifying, man.
And then the weirdest part is like after years went by, they were like, do you
want to get
your PhD here?
I was like, no.
After COVID, after everything?
After COVID, after it all.
They just wanted your money.
Exactly.
I saw that and I was like, man, get the hell out of here.
It would be nice to be calling yourself Dr. Matt though.
Bro, don't think I didn't think about it.
Come on, dog.
Come on, dog.
I know.
I'm a doctor.
That just shows you how many kooky doctors there are out there.
That really opened my eyes.
I thought doctors were like the smartest people in the world.
And I went to like higher education.
I'm like, this is fucking insane.
Yeah.
Anyone could be, you could be a doctor, dude.
Anyone could be, and obviously like anyone could be a fucking doctor.
Especially without some subjects, right?
Exactly.
That's a thing.
Not like, obviously.
Not hard sciences.
Not hard sciences.
Calculus.
If you want to be a doctor, you could go for like anthropology, whatever.
Yeah.
No problem, dude.
Yeah.
And they can't say shit.
You could like make your thesis on anything and be like, excuse me?
Well, did you ever see what Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay and Ellen Pluckrose
did?
Mm-mm.
You know what they did?
No.
They made these fake academic papers.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I saw that.
Like heteronormative something in dog parks.
They were talking about like gay experiences what dogs have.
Yeah.
It was like a peer-reviewed paper.
Fat bodybuilding was one of them.
Yeah.
And these, they were like celebrated.
These papers were celebrated.
Dude, it would go 100%.
The theory, like the critical race theory and all that stuff you cover, when
you get into it,
you're like, it was, and I remember like saying this, it was very, like, it
reminded me,
because I'd been outside of Walmart, someone handed me like a pamphlet and it
was like white supremacy literature.
And when you read that stuff, you read the first two sentences, you go, okay,
that sounds legit.
And then it just, there's this like huge quantum leap in reasoning.
You're like, whoa, how the fuck did we get here?
A lot of that's very similar where it'll make a thing like you just, no one can
disagree with.
Right.
And then it jumps real quick and you're like.
Just complete groupthink.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it was, that was scary to be like, damn, dude, these people are going to be
like,
these people are therapists working with kids, older people, you know, this and
that, you know.
And it was just like, I was like, how this, how is the people supposedly like,
you know, guiding people through life or like taking people who are lost or
suffering and being, you know, I don't know.
It was, it was kind of rough because the animus against a person who like
thought differently, it was palpable and like very severe to where it was like,
dude.
And the funniest part was like, I was, again, I was in that high school in the
inner city.
It was the, the school was like 97% black, the rest Latino.
And they were like, how would your students feel about your podcast material?
I'm like, they don't give a fuck.
They would laugh.
Like they have bigger fish to fry than being like, what did you say on a
podcast?
It's like, they're like high schoolers in Philly fighting for their lives.
How would your students feel?
That was the big disconnect.
I'm like, you guys have like, I don't know, man.
Like they, they would even teach you.
This would crack me up.
I was like thinking about this the other day where they, they would tell you if
you had a client and you know, say your client was black and you know, I'm a
white guy.
You know, you know, I'm a white guy.
I should lead by going like, how do you feel about the fact that I'm white and
you're black?
I was like, dude, you guys realize you're in a classroom studying how to talk
to a black person.
I'm like, that's fucking weird.
I was like, just talk to like, you can just talk to them, man.
And if that comes up, you can tackle it.
Right.
But like, you're uncomfortable.
And then you're going like, so black person, how do you feel that I'm white?
It's like, dude, that is, and they would push back against me.
I'm like, no, no, no, you guys can't do that.
That's crazy.
Well, you were actually applying it in the real world.
Yeah.
They were just exhibiting, they were just hanging out in these circle jerks.
Exactly.
And a lot of them would be like, you know, I'm social justice, blah, blah, blah.
And they'd be like, all right, where's your field placement?
That was like your, you know, that was like your internship.
And they were like, oh, I'm out in like the main, the main line's like a really
nice area in Philly.
It's like, ah, I'm doing like a high school in the main line.
It's like, okay, dudes, like, you know, it's like, take that act somewhere else.
And it's like, those kids don't want to hear any of this shit, like at all.
And I would like you to talk to them.
Like if race comes up, I would talk to them.
But like you, that would have been so crazy to take a black eighth grader and
being like, I'm white.
How do you feel about that?
That would be so creepy and weird.
Isn't it crazy that they think you're obligated to bring that up?
You have an obligation to discuss it?
Also, it's like they fucking know.
They can see me.
I'm clearly white.
They know I'm white.
And it's like, exactly.
It's like, and if that, you talk, talk, talk, talk.
And then you can like bring it up because it's a thing.
But it's like leading with that.
I always feel like least of their problems.
Exactly.
They're just probably happy someone takes an interest in them and is kind to
them.
Dude.
Again, that was a big thing too of like, you know, because they, you get them
out of class
and a lot of them, they'd be like, I'm fucking talking to this guy.
So like, whatever.
And I would just chill and be like, you can just do your homework.
And then you just start helping them with their homework.
Like, what are you doing?
You know, and then you eventually build rapport.
But it was just like, you know, I'm like, these are the teachers telling you
this.
And you're like, fuck, dude, you guys are guiding people into this.
It was, dude, I, I walked away from that being like, God damn.
Well, there's a lot of people that think that like a lot of psychology and a
lot of therapy is just complete horseshit.
Yeah.
And the argument about therapy being complete horseshit in terms of like the
academic study of it and applying it to people is that very few people, you
know, get better.
I think it does help a lot of people though.
Yeah.
And I think it really helps a lot of people if they're in a really bad place.
I think some people just want to talk to somebody.
Yeah.
And that can help too.
Yeah.
But it's like, what is the, what can you actually do for them in terms of like
with the tools and the techniques of therapy versus just being a human and
talking to a human and, and, and, and seeing their side of things and trying to
tell them your perspective and trying to give them a rational point of view.
Yeah.
And giving them some, maybe some things to work on, but it's like, it's not a
science.
Not at all.
And it varies so much between individuals.
Well, yeah, there's the individuals.
Then there's 40 million modalities of therapy.
So it's like, you can be doing like CBT, which is like, that's supposedly the
most scientific where it's like, there's a system.
It's a kind of rigorous.
You can have like Jungian stuff where you're like, what's your, let's draw like
a mandala based on your dreams.
Or you can just be like, let me just be nice to this person who's never had
anyone be nice to them.
Right.
And then let them kind of open up and like, yeah, it's, I think they did a
study one time where they took, um, they let people who weren't trained
therapists be therapists and they didn't find a giant difference in terms of
like who was getting what result.
But then there's, it's, it is a skill though.
That's the other thing.
Like it's a skill.
It's a hard job.
Yeah.
But I think you're totally right where it's like, it all depends on the person.
Have they, are they in touch with what's the therapist?
Do they know about like what's up with them?
And like, cause you can like, I don't know, man, it's, it's such a crap shoot.
And it's like, I think it can be beneficial.
I think like being stuck in it your whole life.
I don't know about that.
Cause it just becomes a thing where you start performing and you're like, fuck,
let me.
Well, a lot of people feel like you have to be in therapy and everybody should
be in therapy.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Like I remember I didn't do it ever.
And then when I went to school for therapy, they're like, you gotta, you gotta
go to therapy so that like you can know what it's like and blah, blah, blah.
It's like fair enough.
And I genuinely walked in there being like, I'm about to blow this lady's mind.
She's going to be like, I've never met a guy.
So put together.
And then like, I went in there and she kind of picked me apart and I was like,
fuck, I'm kind of fucked up.
I didn't know.
That's funny.
But it was, I for real was like, I'm going to, this lady's about to be like,
bro, let me just tell you about my life.
I like for real had so much.
You thought that you were going to be the therapist for her.
I thought I was a chosen one.
It was good though, because like they, the one thing they can do is like, if
you're in a family system and you have no other, like, you know, available
worldviews, you're, you're locked in that.
So a therapist can be somebody outside of a system you would never wise ever
have access to, who can let you run like things through your head in a way you
would never think of.
That I think is good.
But then it's like, you know, at a certain point, it's like, I feel like you
should get in, get out.
Kind of like, all right, here's some things that work.
It was like, there's like, like acceptance, commitment therapy.
That's good.
It's like, they teach you how to be like mindful, how to like monitor your
thoughts without having them like completely attacked.
There's like, there are like skills you can learn.
Yeah.
But it's like, dude, fucking the, and the money of it's crazy.
Like, that's the other thing.
Like, it's so expensive.
Right.
And does insurance pay for it for most people?
How does it?
Depends.
It like, it, it'll cover it for some, you have to be, you have to get a
therapist in that network.
And then they have to diagnose you.
If insurance wants, if you want your insurance to cover you, that therapist has
to diagnose you with a mental disorder or some sort of mental thing.
Oh, and do they have to prescribe something for you?
They don't, I don't think they have to prescribe, no.
Oh, interesting.
But it's like, do they have to just give you a, like, you know, your bipolar,
adjustment disorder is the one where it's like.
But with psychiatrists, like, I wonder how many of them are just like incentivized
to put you on something.
Probably a ton.
They're just like doctors.
Right.
So, and then some of them just swear by it.
They're like, just take this, take that, take this.
Yeah.
I have a friend who went to a psychiatrist and he said that like immediately,
like first meeting, this guy's trying to put him on antidepressants.
Yeah.
And he's like, well, I don't think I need that.
Like, I'm not that fucked up.
I'm just not happy.
Yeah.
I'm sad.
It's also, first meeting's crazy because it's like, let's see what your life's
about.
Yeah.
No, he's like, let's get you on this and it'll make you feel better.
Yeah.
And we'll work from there.
Like, well, some of those guys are like ruthless materialists where you're like,
yeah, your brain's just fucked up, dude.
Right.
Because that, like, did you ever see the Sapowski guy?
Yeah.
Robert Sapowski.
Yeah, I think he's great.
I loved his lectures.
But his last book, and again, this was like from him promoting it, I didn't
read it, but his argument was like, yeah, we just all have different brains.
And if you're like, you know, if you're like a fucking home invader or a burglar,
it's just your genes suck.
And like, we shouldn't ever punish anybody.
We should just kind of like, keep people aside and just rehabilitate.
Basically saying like, you have no choice over what you do at all.
Free will is complete illusion.
Yeah.
That's the determinism argument.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know about that argument.
I mean, obviously free will is real, but obviously you are affected by your
genes, your life circumstances, your past behavior, all the experiences that
you've had.
There's a lot of factors.
To say that will doesn't mean anything, but then why is inspiration so
important?
Yeah.
Why do people love inspiration?
Why do people love like a good pep talk?
Why do people love like a good motivational video that gets you out of the
house?
Like obviously there's will involved.
Yeah.
And will is, will is the thing that turns you into a jelly roll at 500 pounds
to jelly roll at 200 pounds.
Like that's what will does.
Yeah.
Like that is, that's a real thing, man.
That's not a, it's not a fake thing.
This idea of free will, it's no determinism that led jelly roll to decide to
start walking.
That was hardcore will.
Yeah.
No, I agree.
I don't, that argument always, because I like Sapalski.
I liked a lot of his stuff.
That argument just bothers me because it's like, okay, you're taking the idea
of will and just switching it with like this nebulous, like what?
There's like a isotope in your brain that is all, it gets switched on and then
you're able to, it's just, to me, it's such a, like a, just a weird point to
kind of like try to push across.
Or like there's no free will, it's just your gene activates and then you do the
thing and it's like, I guess, man.
But then you can like change your genes apparently by like acting a certain way.
So it's like, you know, I, that's, I just never liked that stuff, man.
It's a weird argument, but there's validity to both perspectives.
There's validity to the perspective that free will is a real thing, but also
determinism is a, it's a giant factor in how many people live their lives the
way they live them.
Yeah.
It's like, if, especially if you're in a shit circumstance, you're in a
terrible gang ridden community, you get beaten in your house, your mom's on
crack, there's chaos everywhere.
The idea that you're going to come out of this writing vegan poetry is insane.
It's true.
It's insane.
That's, that's true.
And that's insane.
You're, you're a product of your environment, at least to a certain extent.
And usually someone finds something that they love that gives them an outlet
and then they get out of there.
The problem with the determinism stuff for me is like, cause I, I, I do get
that.
It's like, you know, yeah, if you have a horrible upbringing and you do a whore,
you know, you kill people, it is like, yeah, I get it.
Like if I had, that had been me, maybe I can do that.
And like, he's like, maybe we should treat everyone a lot more kindly and not
punish people.
And it's like, I'm on board with that.
It all, for me, it all stops at pedophiles.
And it's like, so what we're supposed to just like poo poo a pedophile.
It's like, part of me is like, we should probably fucking fry those guys where
it's like, yeah.
Well, that's one of the craziest things about this whole, what's going on, the
woke shit in academia is they're starting to call them minor attracted persons.
Yeah.
So there's like legitimate academics who are describing pedophiles as minor
attracted persons and that it doesn't mean that they're evil.
It's like, what?
Yeah.
I know.
And that's the problem.
It's like, okay.
Especially if you have kids.
Like, I don't know anybody who has kids who has that perspective.
No.
If you did, you have to be like a sick fuck, like to think that it's, oh, it's
just a minor attracted person that fucked my kid.
Like what?
Yeah.
Well, that, and that's the whole thing too.
Where it's like, you were all just bags, you know, of like jeans and where this
material goo that just does something.
Sometimes it's like, all right, well, let me fucking squash this pedophile.
Then let me, we're all just bags of goo.
Let me, you know, crush this guy.
But it's like.
Right.
It's okay to abort a child, but it's not okay to kill a pedophile.
I know.
Explain, help me.
Yeah.
That's where it gets for me, all that like determinism.
Like we should just be kind and have a more rational approach to criminal
justice.
It's like, for sure.
And then it's like, ah, fuck pedophiles.
It's like, yeah, you can't.
Pedophiles, serial killers.
Yeah.
There's a lot of rapists.
There's a lot of different people you could throw into that.
One of the interesting things about Sapolsky is he did some crazy work on toxoplasmosis.
That's how I really got into him.
Really?
And he was the guy that we first started reading about that was saying that a
disproportionate
amount of motorcycle victims.
When he was doing his residency, the guy who he was working with, one of the
surgeons would
test the motorcycle victims for toxoplasmosis.
And he said a giant percentage of them have this cat parasite.
Oh, yeah.
I've heard about this.
This cat parasite alters behavior.
It makes you more reckless.
It makes you more prone to erratic mood swings.
And it makes you more aggressive.
It's interesting.
Yeah.
Disproportionate amount of successful soccer teams have high levels of toxoplasmosis.
Countries with higher toxoplasmosis.
Damn.
Countries with higher toxoplasmosis.
There could also be countries of higher toxoplasmosis don't have any money.
It's easier to get a soccer ball.
People get good at soccer.
It's the way out of the game.
I mean, way out of bad neighborhoods.
But the motorcycle victim thing is nuts because we know it affects human
behavior.
And we also know that it affects animal behavior.
It makes cats.
It grows inside cats' guts.
It's the only way that it reproduces.
So what it does is it rewires a sexual reward system of rodents.
And like mice and rats get turned on by the smell of cat piss.
So they go to seek out cat piss with like a boner.
Like literally.
And they lose all their fear of cats.
So that the cats devour them.
And so when the cats devour them, then that parasite is now inside the cat's
gut,
which is where it reproduces.
So that's why they tell pregnant women you should never touch cat litter.
Really?
Yeah.
It's toxoplasmosis.
And they think it does the same thing in humans, where it just makes you like
kind of amps up your drives.
Yeah.
Damn.
You know what else is nuts too?
Because you were saying that's more in like certain countries that are like
developing.
Well, it's in rural areas.
Okay.
Any places where people have like outdoor cats.
Yeah.
But there was one point where in France, it was like 50% of the people had toxo.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
Because there was wild cats everywhere.
Yeah.
And you got to think cats are, they're on your countertop.
Their fucking shit is on their paws.
Dude.
I don't, that's the one thing.
Like I have dogs.
I, cats are fine.
If I see a cat, I'll pet it.
But like when I see people's cats on their countertop, and I don't get squeamish
easily,
I'm just kind of like, ew dude.
It is gross.
It's kind of gross.
Well, they shit in a box.
Yeah.
They paw around in that box of shit and piss.
And then they hop on your couch.
Yeah.
With shit and piss on their paws.
Yeah.
Dogs go outside.
They take a shit, they come inside, they're good.
Yeah.
As long as your dog doesn't rub his asshole on your dinner plates, you're
probably okay.
You're fine.
But I've had cats that like walk on your plates.
They don't give a shit.
They'll take a seat on your plate.
Yeah.
And you're like, I have to get a new plate now, you fuck.
What are you doing?
Get off of that.
And they're funny.
But every time I see them like get out of the litter box and walk across people's
countertops,
I'm like, dude.
It is funny.
I've always had them though.
Well, I don't have them now because my kids are allergic.
But when I was younger, I had them and they are fun.
I like them.
They're fun pets.
They're cute.
They come over you and purr.
Yeah.
But it is weird that you have a box of shit in your house.
And there's a lot of people like they're lazy and you go over their house and
they have
a cat.
They're not cleaning that litter box enough.
And as soon as you walk in, the fucking waft of piss and shit hits you.
And like, bro, you're just smelling this all day.
It's so bad.
I would need an outdoor.
I used to let stray cats come in my house.
After college, I lived in a house by myself in Philly.
It was like a small house.
And a lot of the houses on the street have been knocked down.
So there's only like, there were row homes, but I had a standalone row home.
There's a lady across the street at a standalone row home.
They just knocked all the houses next to us down and like two other people.
And I would let the stray cat into my house.
But I'll just, you know, you can come stand here.
But I'd be like, you can't, like this thing can't get in my bed.
And like, by like three days, that thing was like curled up next to my face.
I got a fucked up eye infection.
Yeah.
It was called epidemic, no, it was called epidemic keratoconjunctivitis.
It's called shit in your eye.
But the eye doctor was like, the eye doctor goes, I had only seen, this is like
in third world countries.
And dude, for six months afterwards, after it got cleared up, they had to shut
the thing down and clean the whole eye practice.
Afterwards, my eye at 10 o'clock would start to droop.
Whoa.
Because the white blood cells would rush to my eye.
So I would be out, dude, for six months after this thing, it finally cleared up.
Because it was viral.
They're like, there's nothing you can do for it.
I would go out.
My eye would just start drooping.
I'd be like, I gotta go home.
I gotta go home.
It's your alarm.
I would feel like I had fucking.
This is what you said?
Yes.
I feel like I had fucking sand in my eye.
Highly contagious, severe eye infection caused by adenovirus.
Typically types A8, 1937.
Cause rapid onset of red, painful, watery eyes.
Often with light sensitivity, blurred vision, and swollen eyelids.
Whoa.
Dude, I would wake up in the morning, my eyelid was stuck together and I'd have
to pull it open.
And then I saw the movie Ray.
Remember the beginning of Ray when his eyes get all globbed up?
I was like, dude, am I going blind?
This would suck.
That would suck if you got blind from a cat's asshole.
That would fucking suck, dude.
Bro.
Yeah.
A friend of mine has shingles on his face.
It's crazy.
His whole face is all swollen up and he's worried he might go blind.
He has it now?
Yeah.
He just got it.
He's an older guy and he just got it.
Is shingles like when you don't get chicken pox and it like comes and gets you
afterwards?
I don't think so.
I think it's a form of the herpes virus that affects older people.
That sucks.
In particular.
Older people are terrified of it.
Yeah.
They get shingles vaccinations and shit.
Is that what it is?
I thought chicken pox was herpes too.
Oh really?
I always heard that if you don't get chicken pox as a kid you might get shingles
as an adult.
That's true.
Because my uncle got shingles and he said it sucked.
Oh.
Yeah.
Known as herpes zoster.
A viral infection that causes a painful rash.
It stems from the reactivation of the varicella zooster virus.
The same one responsible for chicken pox.
Which lies dormant in nerve tissues after the initial infection.
So after you get the infection then you can get shingles.
Oh no.
After chicken pox resolves the virus remains inactive in the body's nerve cells.
Factors like aging, weakened immunity or stress can trigger reactivation
leading to shingles.
Most commonly in adults over 50.
Yeah.
Yeah my friend is like in his 60s.
That sucks dude.
Yeah.
That's rough.
Ugh.
A lot of older people are scared of shingles.
Yeah.
My uncle got it.
He was-
Is the shingles vaccine effective?
Does it prevent shingles?
Is that one of the legit ones?
It says vaccines like Shingrix reduce risk significantly.
Antiviral drugs shorten outbreaks.
If started early.
Oh you gotta get on it right when you see the first bump.
Oh.
Please.
Please.
Somebody knows kids got MRSA from swimming in one of those.
Oh.
Dude it was scary.
It was scary.
We got the pictures.
It was just like bubble.
It looked crazy.
MRSA's terrifying.
Yeah.
There was some people taking antibiotics.
Or it was staph.
It was staph and MRSA.
Staff.
Yeah it was staph.
Staff is the more dangerous one.
Oh excuse me.
MRSA is the more dangerous one.
Because MRSA is medically medical resistant.
Oh okay.
Medicine resistant.
So this was just staph.
So it was like a giant bubble on their hand.
It looked it looked crazy.
I've had staph.
Did you really?
I've had staph a couple times.
Oh yeah.
I got it from jujitsu.
A lot of people get it.
Yeah.
It's real common.
Like a lot of people get it and they don't even realize they have it until it's
too late.
Like Ari had it and he didn't even know he had it.
We were playing pool once and he was limping.
He was walking around.
I go why are you limping?
And he goes oh I got a spider bite.
And he was doing jujitsu.
I bought him a year of jujitsu for Christmas.
Yeah.
I forced him to celebrate Christmas.
I didn't say it's Hanukkah.
I got him a Christmas present.
But I go let me say.
And he rolls his pants up.
And I see this bubble on his knee with like a pus center of it.
And I go we're going to the hospital right now.
He goes are you serious?
I unscrew my cue.
I go you have to go to the hospital right now.
I go right now.
I go that staph infection.
Oh.
And he was like why don't they fucking tell us about why aren't there signs at
the gym warning you about them?
Like that's a good point.
Like you kind of have to hear about it from somebody.
Yeah.
I found out about it from my friend Tate.
Shout out to Tate Fletcher my homie.
We were at the airport once.
And I had shorts on and you know I had just like my foot sitting up like this.
He goes what's on your calf?
I had like little pimples on my calf.
I'm like I don't know.
Nothing.
And he goes dude I think that's staph.
I'm like what?
I go these are like little zits?
You think that's staph?
And he goes yeah you should go get that checked out.
And I went to the doctor and he said yeah that looks like staph.
He goes I'm going to put you on antibiotics right away and we're just going to
swab it and send it in but I don't want to wait.
I got on it right away and so I killed it quick but I remember the antibiotics.
Dude you feel so weird when you're on.
Yeah.
He's like so tired.
I hate taking them man.
Some guys fight on them.
I know guys that have got staph infections in the UFC fought off the staph
infection with antibiotics and then fought on the antibiotics.
Jesus.
Which is crazy.
Yeah that's insane.
I don't know how you'd have any endurance.
No.
I always feel weird.
I also like they messed my stomach up so bad.
Oh yeah.
I don't want to end it but my stomach's just fried.
Well my friend Gordon Ryan that's his belt up there.
He's greatest jujitsu grappler of all time.
He has to retire because he got staph so many times that he was taking
antibiotics so often that it fucking nuked his gut bacteria.
And like he can't hold food down.
He throws up all the time.
That sucks.
Yeah it's crazy.
He's been dealing with it for years and he just announced on Instagram really
recently that he has to retire.
Dude I got it.
He can't train.
That sucks.
That fucking blows.
And he's the greatest of all time.
And he's done.
And he's 30.
Yeah.
That sucks.
He's like unanimously regarded as the greatest grappler of all time.
And that's it?
Yeah.
He's gone like 10 years undefeated beating the best fighters in the world.
Can he take like time off?
Can he just take like five years off?
I don't know.
He's trying.
He's done that.
He hasn't competed in a couple of years.
He can't do it.
He can't train.
That sucks.
It's like it keeps coming back.
Dude I had eczema one time.
And it like it came up on my, it was like on my legs and it was on my dick.
And I thought it was ringworm because it was like a perfect circle.
So I go to the, you know, I go to the whatever urgent care.
And I'm like, yeah, I got fucking ringworm.
And they're like, that's weird.
Usually it doesn't go on there.
But they're like, just put fucking, you know, low trim.
I think what I saw.
Yeah.
Like low trim in that shit.
So I put low trim in on my dick and it just dried like the whole thing.
It was like, it was disgusting.
So then I had to go back to another urgent care and it was like the second or
third time.
I just showed like a fucking shriveled flaccid like chapped red penis.
I showed this one nurse who goes like, I don't know, calls in another nurse.
And I'm like, fuck.
All right.
She comes in.
I don't know what that is.
They call into someone else.
Giant black guy comes in.
I'm like, no, no, no, no.
You know, he's going to laugh as soon as he leaves.
Oh, bro.
He was probably, I can't believe.
Yeah, I, I, it was, it was bad.
And then finally I went to, I finally went to a dermatologist and I, dude, you
can look
it up.
The center city dermatology run by just like a babe.
Like it's on the website.
Everyone knows this.
Who has ever gone there.
My friend called.
I was talking about it one time.
My friend was like, bro, I know exactly what you're talking about.
And then she comes in, checks it out.
And she was like, dude, you had, you know, that wasn't even ringworm.
And then she gave me this cream and it like cleared it right up.
So I just show like my like chap.
It was like a leprosy.
Bro.
That's.
Whoa.
Yeah, dude.
She saw me at my worst.
Hilarious.
So I just showed it to like four people.
It was like a leprosy penis.
And then eventually she was like, oh, no, dude, take like, it was like a cortosteroid.
Cleared it right up.
I know people that have had eczema that went on a carnivore diet.
And it went away.
I can't have.
I can't have gluten.
That's the thing.
I've been allergic to gluten for a while.
And if I kind of backslide on that, it's like, I'll get little eczema flare ups.
A lot of people are allergic to it.
And a lot of people don't think it's actually the gluten.
They think it's actually how they finish the crops with glyphosate.
I've heard about that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Which kind of makes sense because like, why are all these gluten intolerant?
What?
Nobody heard about those in the seventies.
No.
There was no one gluten intolerant.
No, it was, dude, weird.
The weird thing is my mom, she's always been a health person.
She got this book because she had health problems and like, it was might've
been the eighties.
My aunt was a nurse, gave her this book.
And my mom self-diagnosed gluten allergy in like the eighties.
And everyone's like, you're out of your fucking mind.
Like nobody has this, blah, blah, blah.
And yeah.
And then like when I was in college, I was like, dude, like I feel like my,
every time I swallow
food, it feels stuck in my throat.
I have like gas.
I'm burping.
My stomach's fucked up.
I'm not sleeping.
I was having like racing thoughts and shit.
And she was like, Oh, try not eating gluten for a while.
Dude.
It cleared it up.
Like it was insane.
I wonder if that's the same with like gluten that you get in Europe where they're
not using
any glyphosate.
No, that's what I heard.
Apparently you can go eat it, you know, in Europe and it's fine.
I remember I took a test finally and it was like, I, it was like one of those
like internet
blood test things.
And I came up like allergic to not even the gluten.
It's like lydian, which is like another protein inside of wheat, which I don't
know if it's
that same thing or what, it's just like an allergy to it.
I showed it, I showed it to Shane.
He, it was like, it was moderate.
And he goes moderate.
You're a pussy.
Have a pizza.
I was like, fuck.
Why did I show you?
He was always like, everyone's like, it's fake.
It's in your head.
You're full of shit.
So I finally have proof.
I'm like, what are you going to do about it now?
He goes moderate.
Pfft.
Pussy.
Fuck.
It's one of the worst intolerances to have because the food is so delicious.
Mm-hmm.
Like, think about it.
Spaghetti, lasagna, bread.
Yeah.
Sandwiches.
I don't, I, eating the gluten free bread is like not, it's not, at that point
you just
go like, I'm not eating bread.
It's not really good.
It's not good.
In order to make it good, you have to put so much shit in it that you're like,
I might
as well not eat it.
I, I've been off gluten since I was like 21.
Wow.
And then anytime I would like backslide at a restaurant where they cook with it
and stuff,
it would, you know, fuck me up.
Weirdly enough though, if I get enough sunlight, I, it like my, I can tolerate
a lot more stuff.
I guarantee that's a vitamin D thing.
I, I think, I don't know.
It's weird, man.
Yeah.
Every time I go to a doctor, they're just like, bro, I don't know, I don't know
what
to tell you.
Well, vitamin D is good for your immune system and these are autoimmune issues.
Yeah.
It makes sense that they would kind of be connected somehow or another.
Yeah.
Cause I, I couldn't eat after the gluten.
It was like, then I couldn't eat dairy.
And then every time I'd get sunlight, I could eat the dairy.
It's fucking weird.
How nuts is the sunlight thing?
Like for so long, people are saying, stay out of the sun.
Yeah.
Sun's going to kill you.
It's crazy.
And then, now they're going, no, no, no.
You need to get in the sun or you're going to die.
I know.
I know.
What's the new, we got the new food pyramid now.
I know.
Well, a lot of people are so angry.
They're so angry at RFK junior for flipping the food pyramid, but there's so
much evidence
that this is the accurate way to eat.
This is the way people are supposed to be eating.
It's like whole foods, like actual food, like vegetables, meat, fish.
Like that's what you're supposed to eat.
Like actual food that people have been eating for thousands of years.
That's how you're supposed to eat.
Dude, that's the one.
That's the stuff that backlash against them that I'm like, I don't get it, man.
It's like getting like the weird shit out of foods that they don't have in
Europe for like schools and stuff.
And it's like...
That was always the left wing's position.
I do.
It was like no preservatives, no additives, natural foods.
I know.
And that's the thing too.
Like I love like, cause I have all these food allergies.
So like, I gotta go to like a hipstery kind of like rainbow flag restaurant.
That's the only place I can eat from.
So I'm like, I know you guys like this.
Why are you pretending to not like getting rid of like red 40 and all that shit?
Because it's connected with Trump.
Because RFK Jr. is a part of this party or part of this administration.
And so it became a political thing.
People are just so silly.
They'd rather commit suicide.
They'd rather poison themselves than admit that he's right.
It's insane.
Just be like, dude, just give him one and be like, all right, that's actually a
good one.
But it's that resistance to recognizing maybe this person that I don't agree
with because he's connected to this other person that I don't agree with.
Maybe he's got some good points.
Yeah.
Maybe if a person that was like someone that I aligned with ideologically had
the same points, I would be like, yes, thank you.
Yes.
These preservatives are terrible.
Yes.
These dyes are terrible.
Yes.
This is bad for you.
Yes.
You should have warning labels.
Yes.
Other countries have banned these products.
Why do we have them?
Yes.
Dude.
And especially like if you have kids, it's like, dude, you worry more about
that than like your kids not eating a bunch of crazy bullshit.
Yeah.
It's like, dude, just let it go.
You can be like, all right, like I don't like this, but that's fucking right.
I like that.
Let's let them cook on that.
And it's like, yeah.
Well, so many people that aren't religion, don't have religion in their life.
They worship science.
Like science, they treat it as if this is like a doctrine and a dogma.
And if you don't support it, you're a heretic.
Yeah.
There's something wrong with you.
It's like, well, do you know those people?
These scientists?
Like a lot of them are fucking severely compromised.
Yeah.
They're compromised by financial incentives.
They're compromised by academic incentives.
They're trapped in these systems where you're, you're, you're, you're forced to
have groupthink.
Yeah.
You have this top down control.
The people that at the top are controlled and connected to these pharmaceutical
drug companies.
They're pushing these ideas.
Like this isn't all clean.
Yeah.
They're hanging with Epstein too.
I know.
Isn't that crazy?
He's a scientist, man.
He did.
Thank God I wasn't a scientist.
Isn't that weird?
Yeah, dude.
That's so weird.
That's so fucking creepy.
Yeah, it's, and the science, dude, the science shit is like, cause I do know
this from going
to a masters.
I know you need to understand statistics.
You need like a very serious understanding of statistics to actually make sense
of those
studies.
And I, I never was able to do that, but it's like, you can read those studies
and like,
Oh, look at this.
It's a graph.
Everything's going up.
And it's like, yeah, but like, what was like the percentage of the, what this?
And it's like statistics is for real, like magic to me where it's like, it's so
slippery
and weird.
And like, you can make one thing look this way and it's, you're going to
arrange the data
in a different way.
And you're like, Oh shit, the fucking thing went up and now this is better.
It's like, well, that's what pharmaceutical drug companies do for sure.
They'll, they'll run multiple studies and then throw out all the ones that show
no efficacy
and even hide dangerous side effects.
They hide them.
Yeah.
I think they're allowed to do as many.
I remember reading a book on antidepressants like years and years ago, and I
think they were allowed
to do as many studies as it needed to like show basically what they wanted to
say, which wasn't
even good.
It was like 50%.
We had a lawyer in here that had, he'd worked on cases with pharmaceutical drug
companies.
And one of the things that he said that was really crazy was he found out that
the pharmaceutical
drug companies don't, when they get peer reviewed, when their papers get peer
reviewed, they don't have to give
the data to the scientists.
They give their review of the data to the scientists and then it gets peer
review.
Damn.
Yeah.
That's fucked up.
It's like rigged.
Yeah, that's crazy.
It's so rigged.
Remember the study that was like, if you drink one glass of wine, you're going
to be healthy.
Yeah.
That was complete bullshit.
That was made by a body of science that was like promoted by the big alcohol
companies.
It was completely false.
I know so many people who were like, dude, it's good for me.
I need alcohol every day.
They were also saying resveratrol.
That was one.
Yeah.
Grape shit.
And it's also just like eat a fucking grape then.
Well also, take resveratrol.
It's a good supplement.
True.
And the amount that you get in supplements is like far exceeds a glass of wine.
You have to drink the whole bottle.
Yeah, true.
And then you're hammered.
And you're drunk.
Your liver's destroyed.
Yeah, that shit always threw me off.
And I remember at the time being like, there's no fucking way that's true.
Yeah.
No, you hang out more and you're less lonely.
I think there's something to the relaxation of alcohol that at least it makes
you feel better.
And I think feeling better is a part of having a better life and having a
healthier mind.
Because there's something about people that are just riddled with anxiety and
thinking about things all the time.
There's a lot of people out there that are just, they don't have the tools to
navigate this fucked up world.
Yeah.
And so they're always like, a little drinky poo every now and then.
Maybe not bad for them.
True.
Maybe a little just fuck it juice.
Like, ah.
Yeah, true.
If you drop the cortisol at night.
Yeah.
Just a little bit.
A little relaxation.
That's true.
There's a lot of people that like, one of the only things keeping them hanging
on is a drink at night.
You know?
True.
Just a little drink.
Just nothing crazy.
Yeah.
Killing yourself.
Yeah, I wouldn't want to take that from somebody either.
Yeah, I don't want to take that from people.
Yeah, that's true.
I wouldn't want to take that.
But it is, it's just nuts to be like, this is actually really good for you.
Wow.
It's like, well, it's lesser of two evils for sure.
It's like.
Or were they trying to say that like, Fruit Loops were healthier for you than
ground beef?
Wasn't that one of the studies?
Was it really?
Like, they had comparisons.
Like, they had a chart, like, where things fit on the healthy versus not
healthy.
That's fucking insane.
Well, the old food pyramid was the best.
It was like cereal, bread, and pasta.
That was what you're supposed to eat.
That's the base.
That's most of your food.
You're supposed to be charged on just fucking like, elbow macaroni.
It was like, that was for real.
Growing up, that's what it was.
I remember eating.
Meanwhile, people in France, they're eating loaves of bread and they don't get
fat.
I know.
And they're healthy.
I know.
That is fucking weird, man.
We're getting poisoned.
Yeah.
Everyone who comes here from another country is like, I feel horrible when I
get here.
They have a hot dog and they're fucking vomiting in the trash can.
All right, dog.
Let's wrap this up.
All right.
One more thing.
Yeah, please.
This is going around Wexner's deposition from the oversight committee came out
like the
full video did today.
And there's this clip going around that I don't know what the context is.
I'll show you.
It's on the screen right now, Joe.
Okay.
I just want to play it and see.
It says I'll fucking kill you if you answer another question with more than
five words.
Okay.
This is literally done.
Excuse me.
I'll fucking kill you if you answer another question with more than five words.
Okay.
Answer me.
Okay.
He seems like he's joking.
Yeah.
He wants him to answer questions.
Very short answers.
I keep seeing people saying you're not allowed to be coached in a deposition.
Oh, that makes sense.
I don't know.
This is.
I'll fucking kill you if you answer another question with more than five words.
Okay.
That's hilarious that he thought he could whisper that.
That's crazy.
That's so fucked up.
But what is their relationship?
Like, do they fuck around like that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I can't tell.
It's really hard to tell.
It's hard to say what that is.
That almost was kind of charming.
I was kind of like sweet actually in some weird way.
Fucking kill you.
His answers in this are pretty tough already.
I can see.
He's like, I had no idea.
They're like, you stealing money from me.
ABC reported this five years ago.
I was like, fucking crazy.
That's news to me.
You didn't know that Epstein was stealing money from me?
That's what he's saying in some of these clips here.
We'll see how this, where this goes.
Yeah, true.
If nothing ever happens, people are going to lose all faith in everything.
Yeah, you're going to lose faith in everything.
Yeah, you're going to lose faith in everything.
You're going to lose faith.
You're going to lose faith.
You're going to lose faith.
You're going to lose faith.
You're going to lose faith.
You're going to lose faith.
You're going to lose faith.
You're going to lose faith in everything.
You're going to lose faith.
You're going to lose faith.
You're going to lose faith.
You're going to lose faith in everything.
Yeah.
If nothing ever happens, people are going to lose all faith in everything.
Yeah.
If nothing happens from all this, if Prince Andrew's the only one who goes down,
what if
he just gets a slap on the wrist?
He's completely going to get a slap on the wrist.
He's not going to, like, fucking maximum security.
He's not going to, like, Oz.
He's not going to be in there, like, doing burpees and shit.
He's going to be in protective custody.
He's already out.
He's only in jail for 11 hours.
He's technically out now.
Right, but he's going to be tried.
Right?
We'll see.
Well, see, the thing is, like, I never thought he'd be arrested.
I never thought that would happen.
True.
I thought, like, they'd strip him of his print ship or whatever it is.
That's it.
Banishing him to a...
And then they kicked him out of the estate.
I was like, whoa, things are getting serious.
Yeah.
I think they saw.
I think they got to see the stuff.
They must.
They must.
What the fuck?
They must.
Yeah.
Alright, let's wrap this up.
Dude, it's been a lot of fun hanging at the club.
Hell yeah.
It's been good times, dude.
It's been awesome.
It's fun watching your act grow, too.
It's really funny, man.
Thank you, bro.
It's really great.
And you're where this weekend?
Is there any tickets available?
Salt Lake.
Salt Lake City in Boise, Idaho.
So...
Go get some tickets, folks.
Go see 'em.
Matt McCusker.
Fucking hilarious.
Appreciate you, brother.
Thank you.
Very funny.
Bye, everybody.
Bye.
Bye.