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Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comic, podcaster, and actor. He's the host of "The Bertcast" podcast and YouTube cooking program "Something's Burning." He's also the co-host of the "2 Bears, 1 Cave" podcast with fellow comedian Tom Segura. Watch his latest special, "Lucky," on Netflix. www.bertbertbert.com
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Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.
Hey, dude, hey, does your red light therapy really help your fucking eyes?
A hundred percent.
I'm doing it.
Are we rolling?
Yeah.
My eyes are so fucked.
Yeah.
I can't see Joe.
Get one of the Gary Brecka beds for your house.
Well, there's a bunch of companies that sell them, but you want like a really
powerful red
light bed.
I did it this morning.
Dude, it changed my vision.
I can't, when I'm in the shower, I can't read shampoo, bath gel.
Whoa.
Like, I'm like, dude, why do they need to be small?
Can't you just make it big as fuck so everyone can see it?
They're not that small.
I can't see them.
And then I'm getting out naked, putting on readers to see what I'm fucking, I've
washed
my hair with conditioner so many times.
Yeah, mine was getting bad.
Mine was getting where I needed these fucking things, which I haven't picked up
in months.
I heard you say that and I was like, dude.
I did, I went to waste well the other day and I did the red light bed every day,
every day
until I Googled how much it costs.
That thing's fucking expensive.
It's expensive, the real one.
But Whitney got one that's not that expensive and it's fixed her eyes.
She got one that she just sits in front of every day for like 20 minutes or
something
like that.
I love that.
Oh, dude, it's amazing.
But the big ones, the beds, they help your whole body recover.
They're like, we could, let's, let's put it, put that into perplexity and say,
what is
the benefits of powerful red light therapy?
I fucking, I use AI so much now.
I was, in the beginning, I was resisting it so much.
Then perplexity came on as a sponsor.
And now instead of searching things online, I just ask the phone.
I just pull up the app and ask it a question.
I don't have to type anything.
And then it gives me an answer.
And then I could say, well, what's the benefits of it?
And then it'll list out the benefits.
And then I'll say, what are the cons?
And it'll list out the cons.
Like, is there, you know, are there any people that disagree with this?
Perplexity?
Yeah.
So I got, I got one.
My questions are always like, they're always more like, about me.
Why do you look yourself up?
No, no, not about that.
That's so bad for your mental health.
No, I don't look myself up.
It's about like.
Your health?
No, my health or my experience in life.
Oh, okay.
So like, I was like, I was the other day, I was in bed.
I was like, all right, I think my generation had the greatest run.
Like out of all the generations around, my generation, Gen X, had the greatest
run.
We got great childhoods, right?
Right.
We got to experience cell phones.
We got to be impressed by the cell phone.
Right.
We had 9-11, which wasn't great, but was the time when the country healed,
right?
Everyone wants a big tragedy, like the JFK shooting.
You want that moment where you walk by a bar and they're like, what are you
doing?
Like, you haven't heard?
We got one of those.
Right.
We had the pandemic, which is insane.
Right.
We had our music probably better.
We had rock.
We had, I mean, just the internet took off.
So we got to experience that.
I think my generation, Gen X, has yours too, right?
Right.
Yeah, I'm Gen X.
So I asked that to chat GBT and I was wrong.
What do you mean?
The greatest generation is actually labeled the greatest generation.
It's my grandmother, your grandmother.
They experienced horse and buggy.
They then went, they saw cars.
They saw television.
All within the time they had horse and buggy, they saw people land on the moon.
I mean, all that shit, telephones, who got fucked with the baby boomers.
They were just old enough to not understand cell phones.
Like, they got fucked.
Millennials got fucked.
Millennials got real fucked.
Yeah, I don't know about the greatest generation.
I think you're correct.
I think the passage of the internet, like the internet going through our lives
and cell phones.
Like, I experienced VHS tapes first.
Yeah.
Then I experienced answering machines.
That was a big one.
Caller ID.
You know who's calling you.
You could just duck people.
That was crazy.
I remember when caller ID showed up.
I don't remember when Star 69 showed up.
Oh.
Where you could block your caller ID.
Star 69 was good because you could call people back that were pranking you.
Yeah.
Like, hey, motherfucker.
Like, what?
What's going on?
Dude, we got prank calls.
My kids didn't ever got prank calls.
Like, they never understood what a prank call was.
The Jerky Boys.
Jerky Boys were fucking amazing.
Dude.
Those guys were so funny.
Those recordings were so funny.
You know who did a great fucking prank call recording?
Who?
Greg Fitzsimmons.
Really?
Oh, my God.
It's hilarious.
He did this one.
We called a rental car place.
And he said that the car was on fire because they went to the gas station and
they filled
up pots and pans with gas and they put it in the back seat.
And fucking Bobby's smoking.
And now the car's on fire.
Like, you got to hear this guy freaking out.
What do you mean the car's on fire?
It's, you can't do that anymore.
Dude, Greg, you know when people go like, what kind of music do you listen to?
When you talk to a real musician, like, you talk to the Black Keys, right?
Right.
And then you go, like, what are you guys listening to?
They're like, have you heard of the Velvet Thud or something?
Right, right.
They've already got some obscure rap there, too.
Yeah, and they're like, that's what you need to listen to.
When people say, I listen to Sunday Papers, that's Fitzsimmons and Gibbons
podcast, I go,
you're real comedy fans.
Those are the two funniest human beings alive ever.
Greg Fitzsimmons, when I got ready for Lucky, I brought him on the road with me.
I was like, dude, I trust you.
Just tell me where I'm sloppy.
Tell me where I'm lazy.
Tell me where I'm leaving jokes.
And that first night he was like, you got a minute?
And he went through my whole hour.
He's like, I think you're leaving this on the table.
Dude, those motherfuckers are the funniest dudes alive.
Yeah, Greg's awesome.
We started out together.
We started out like one week apart from each other.
For real?
Yeah, literally.
We went on the road.
God, in the early days, Greg and I traveled everywhere.
We did open mic.
We would drive to Rhode Island, do open mics together.
He was a great example of the first dude I ever saw talking about his family on
stage.
And it wasn't nerdy.
Right, right, right, right.
Him and his son ran a train on his wife.
What?
It was a great joke.
He was like, I have my first threesome.
It was with my son, so it's a little awkward.
I'm fucking Greg's joke up.
He goes, my son was breastfeeding.
I was getting her from behind.
We had to high five in the middle.
But I remember hearing that as a...
Remember when...
Remember being a dad as a comic was like off limits.
Right, right.
And I saw that.
I just had Georgia.
The second person I saw...
The first person was Greg.
The second person I saw...
I mean, I'm talking just had Georgia.
Was Louis fucking CK.
I went and worked the road with him.
And he was doing all the material for that first special that popped for him.
And he was talking about his kids.
And he was just like, my daughter's a cunt.
And he goes, I know you're not supposed to say that.
But what else do you say to someone who won't put their shoes on?
They're a cunt.
We're trying to leave the house.
And they won't put their shoes on.
Imagine if you wouldn't leave.
And it was just like...
And it was like, I'm sitting there, you know, lost in like what I thought was
stand-up
was like some imitation of Dane, you know.
And I'm watching Louis going, like, this is something totally different.
Yeah.
Those guys.
Best prank call I've ever heard.
Sidebar.
Brendan Walsh.
Brendan Walsh's a funny motherfucker.
Brendan Walsh.
What's he up to?
I don't know.
I think he does like...
He's always been like more art comedy, you know.
Like more like performance.
He does these podcasts where he puts a neck brace on, a wig, and giant glasses,
and he
plays a character.
He's a funny dude, man.
Do you remember when...
He was an Austin guy.
He was an Austin guy.
Yeah.
He was...
He was...
I remember he was...
Do you remember he was on your podcast?
I remember him telling you this story, and I think about this all the time.
A circuit city had closed by his house.
And so...
And he lives in Silver Lake.
Do you remember this?
Oh, that's right.
He made a prank.
We told everybody he was turning into a Whole Foods.
And he got everybody so excited.
Oh, Whole Foods is giving you Silver Lake.
He just did it for himself.
Yeah.
So that he could be at the coffee shop and hear people talking about Whole
Foods.
He did a prank call.
I think Stan Hope sent it to me.
He was like, this is the best prank call ever.
And it's Brendan calling a phone sex.
And you know they always try to keep you on the line.
Right.
So he's like, hey, what are you wearing?
She's like, nothing.
What are you wearing?
He's like, nothing.
And then you hear like a dog barking in the back.
And she goes, is that your dog?
He's like, yeah, yeah.
Ignore him.
Ignore him.
And then the dog barks a little longer.
And he's like, tell me why you're touching yourself.
And then you hear a baby crying in the back.
And he's like, is that your baby?
And he's like, no, it's fine.
It's fine.
It's a different room.
It's totally fine.
And then you hear a woman come in and go, are you on the fucking phone sex
again?
And he's like, hey, leave me alone.
And she's like, do you need one to do this later?
And he's like, don't worry about it.
And then you hear a marching band come in playing, and he's just trying to hold
her on the line.
Dude, I was crying.
That is like, not to like get too meta about it, but comedy has become so, and
I'm a part
of this, I'm so self-promotional and put it on, I got to tell you, it's a new
show.
When you see someone like Brendan or like Greg and Mike who just do it for the
pure, just
to make themselves giggle.
It's so beautiful.
Gillis is like that.
Gillis is, Gillis, I always think, he's just a, like a, like a, my favorite
Shane Gillis story
that I will, until I die, we're doing, we're doing Fully Loaded the first year.
And Shane's on everyone, Mark's on everyone, Nikki's on everyone.
It's like, it's the best year we probably did it, no offense.
And Shane sees my daughter, George, who's being a PA with her friend, Daisy.
And it's the very last night, Shane walks up and he's like, you guys sneaking
beers?
And they're like, no.
He goes, oh, come on.
I'm not going to rat you out.
And they're like, no, we're not.
And he's like, come on, you're 18 years old, you're on tour, it's our last
night, you guys
are sneaking beers.
And they're like, we're not sneaking beers.
He goes, I can smell the beer on you.
And they're like, we've been sneaking beers.
And he goes, okay.
And he just sits down right next to me, he goes, George is sneaking beers.
Did you know she was sneaking beers?
No, I had no idea.
Shane just fucking ratted her out.
She's your daughter.
Yeah.
You're getting hammered every night.
You're not going to notice.
Like, dad's drunk.
You won't even know if we're drunk.
She would, yeah.
It's funny because I go to her college and other dads party.
And she's always kind of low-key about it.
And the dads will bite beer cans and kill them and shotgun beers.
I know, that's what dads do.
Really?
Yeah.
Which dads?
I don't mean any of these dads.
You're in a different school zone.
That's what dads do.
And I'm always like, you know, this is what I do for a living.
I could fucking murder these guys.
She's like, ugh, dad.
I'm like, oh, you like him crushing a beer and shotgunning it?
Fucking, like a microdose.
What are we talking about?
What are you telling about, Jamie?
I'm sorry.
Right before we get started, you were telling me about something.
The REM sleep or lucid dreaming sleep communication.
I've got to figure out where I put it.
I sent a DM to someone about that, I think.
So I've got to tell you before we find that.
So Eddie Bravo calls me the other day.
And he goes, did Bert Kreischer lose everything and then get it back?
I go, what?
And he goes, yeah, it was so confusing.
He was on Shannon Sharpe's show.
And Shannon says to Bert, what was it like?
You lost everything.
And then you had to build it back.
And he goes, it seemed like it wasn't true.
I go, it's not true.
And I go, did Bert go along with it?
He goes, yeah.
I go, what?
And I couldn't wait to talk to you about it.
Because I could totally picture someone saying to you some story that totally
never happened.
And you not wanting to be confrontational.
So you just go along with it?
Is that what happened?
A hundred percent.
A hundred percent.
The fucking whole show.
How did you not say that never happened?
He just called me off guard.
He called you off guard.
I was like.
Did it at any point in time you say, I should probably say this never happened?
No.
I was like, he was like, you lost everything in my head.
I was like, I did?
He was like, but you made it all back.
And I go, I did?
Where is this coming from?
I have no idea.
He said it.
And I just was like, uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Why did you say that never happened?
I don't know.
I don't even know what I said after.
He's like, how did you do it?
And I just was like, I don't know, Shannon.
I just focused and really started.
Like, I have no fucking clue.
I should not be allowed to talk on microphones.
I literally was like, I don't know what I said even after it, to be honest with
you.
But I was like, I guess he has it in his notes.
So I was like, yeah.
So someone must have Googled, did Burt Kreischer, probably some Reddit thread.
Burt Kreischer lost everything.
I guess.
And like, you know, the stories about you online are more prevalent than the
true ones.
So you just go, I guess that's what he heard.
And you just went with it?
I don't know.
That's so weird to do.
I was, I had no, I was like, in my head, I was like trying to think.
Maybe he was talking about like, you know, I had development deals when I got
into the business.
Yeah, but you didn't lose them.
They gave you money.
No, no, no.
It just never became a show.
But then, no, but I'm saying like, maybe I was in my head, I was like, maybe he's
thinking
that like, you know, I had a lot of development deals early and then I didn't
for a few
years and I worked the road and maybe that's what he was saying.
And then I made, I'm back.
I don't know.
I was like.
But even when you worked the road, you worked the road, then you had the travel
channel
show.
There was no period where it made sense.
By the way, that is the least of my fish to fry on that fucking show.
I got in so much trouble that that show, every clip you do goes viral.
Every, I just am like, I was, as when I got done that, I haven't felt this in a
long time.
I was like, I was like, wow.
I was like, I think I'm going to get a lot of texts when this airs.
Well, it seems like he wants that, right?
He's got a lot of people on the show that talk a lot of shit.
A lot of people like Cat Williams famously was that, that episode was fucking
amazing.
We talked about that.
He just went in on everybody, including me.
That's why I got him on the podcast.
He said, Joe Rogan won't have me on.
Has the same funny of three motherfuckers.
Unfunny.
Yeah, same seven unfunny motherfuckers.
I was like, dude, I love Cat Williams.
What are you talking about?
He's the best.
I'm like, I never met him.
Yeah.
I had never met him before.
It's like, it wasn't that I wouldn't have him on.
It's like, I didn't even know he wanted to come on.
I would have had him on.
That interview was, with him, was epic.
Amazing.
And accurate.
The thing about his shit talk is, it's not, he's not lying.
No.
It's, it's, you know, it's, when I got out, I was like, it's, I don't, I don't
mean this
with disrespect, but it's Les Shannon, I think more his producers, because he's
got cards.
So I think the producers are like, what, what clip's going to pop?
I think they go online.
Right.
They try to find controversial subjects.
Like he brought up, I told you, he brought up one.
He's like, Bert, you think Kevin Hart's just lucky.
And I was like, mother.
Oh.
I was like, I said that fucking 12 years ago.
And it was just, it was all it was.
And I know I'm, I'm even, but it was, this is what it was, Joe, is like at a
time when
I, we won't, none of us were making money, not you, but like the younger cop
was making
money and you're online and you watch Kevin and you know, Kevin knows I love
him, but Kevin's
like, I'm the hardest working motherfucker.
I'm the hardest working.
And in my head, I was like, we're all working hard.
Like, I, but a lot of people, you know, we're just, you know, waiting for a
moment to,
to, to get in front of people.
And then I was like, and then I had an agent very casually, like not mine, but
at a thing
he goes, you know, Kevin should mention how lucky he got.
I was like, what do you mean?
He was like, you know about fool's gold, right?
I was like, no.
He's like, well, that's the beef between Kevin and cat is cat packed a gun in
his luggage
to go shoot fool's gold.
And he got detained and they were in production.
And they're like, we need, we need someone small and black to fit these clothes.
We already got clothes for him.
Yeah.
And he's like, get Kevin Hart.
And that was the story I wanted Kevin to tell because that as a comic, you can
kind of put
your head around that.
And I've, and I, and by the way, I did not do a good job of explaining it on
Shannon's
show because it's like, oh, you know, I'm a fucking talk out of my ass.
But like every comic has had these like moments that skyrocket them, right?
These moments that pop and I went through it and I think you'll understand it
now.
But for me, it was the machine story going viral for, for Bill Burr.
It's the Philly rant with Bill, that Philly rant just put them in the next
level.
Jim Jeffries, he gets punched in the head at the comedy cellar or comedy store
in London.
His manager happens to be a guy that knows the internet, Brett Vincent posted
on my space
goes viral.
Every comic that pops always has that, Tom, as I was telling this to Tom, he
goes, yeah,
it was me, Netflix.
He was like, Tom got on Netflix.
I mean, I didn't even realize this.
Tom said it to me.
He got on Netflix when there were two comics on Netflix, Bill Burr and Tom Segura.
Bill puts his special out there like, did you like Bill Burr?
You might like Tom Segura.
And Tom's like, if Comedy Central had bought my hour, I would have been fucked.
But instead I sold it to this small streamer, Netflix, and the only other one
they had was
Bill Burr.
And so as comics, I think sometimes, and you know how much I believe in luck,
it's easier
to hear about someone's luck where you go, oh, that is crazy, that happenstance.
I mean, we've said it about you, and I know you probably disagree maybe to a
certain dissent,
but I think the greatest thing that ever happened to you was that getting
kicked out of the comedy
store.
That period of time where you had to reevaluate yourself and you created this,
what you have.
And you re, I mean, you would speak to it better than I could, but I think as
comics, we look
at you reinventing yourself and reimagining yourself and making it your own
fucking entity and creating
this podcast, which has changed all of our lives.
That moment, and it must've been tough to lose your agent, get kicked out of
the comedy
store and have to figure things out, that we all got, everyone got behind you.
Everyone was like, that's my guy.
I mean, I'm curious what your feelings about that are.
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I mean, that certainly had an impact.
You know, it was also the Mencia video where people could clearly see that I
was right.
Yes.
And then we were all a victim.
Like, we were all hiding at the store.
Like, when he would go on stage or he would be in the back of the room if you
were on stage,
they would flash the light to let you know that he was in the room.
You know how crazy that is?
There's a guy around that steals so much that they have to flash a light
whenever a comic's
on stage, and then comics would just start doing crowd work.
That's insane to me.
It was crazy.
So, all the comics knew that what I was saying was the truth, and it was proved
by, like,
the consequences of someone who was already successful, right?
So, I was already on Fear Factor at the time.
I was already a known person, and I lost my agent, and I got kicked out of the
store.
That video, that video was akin to the Philly rant, Jim Jefferies getting
punched, that viral
moment for you, which...
It was also how well Red Band put it together, too, because he's such a good
editor.
He's so brilliant.
It was music.
He went back in time.
He, like, you know, like, he spent a lot of time working on that.
It was a work of art.
But it was, you know, it was the first time that someone was held accountable
because,
you know, we don't have to name names, but we all know people who snuck through
and still
kind of have careers, although greatly diminished impact because, like, when
they go on stage now,
people are excited to see them because they're famous, and then that
immediately goes away
when you realize there's nothing there.
They have no material because they have to write for themselves now.
Yeah.
You see a giant drop-off.
You see the early specials with, like, great jokes and really funny, and then
you see, like,
what is this nonsense towards the end?
It's just, like, weird, fucking, like, nonsensical rants on thing.
It's bizarre to watch, but that's what happens when you get exposed and you
have to do your
own shit, and there's a few of those guys floating around out there.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It's crazy because the one thing—
You want a cigar?
I can't smoke cigars.
Really?
What happened?
Blood clot.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
I'm not supposed to smoke cigars.
I mean, I could text my cardiologist and see what he says.
I heard cigars are good for you.
I heard they're good for your heart.
They gave them to Teddy Roosevelt.
Yeah.
Look what happened to him.
I don't know.
You know, I could have one cigar.
If you're going to smoke one in here, I mean, yeah.
That's what I'm saying, dog.
Come on, son.
What are you doing?
Just do it like old school, Rogan, where any time I smoked weed, you had to
pull the camera
away from me.
Because you're on the Travel Channel?
Yeah, I mean, we all have a moment where things—but it's like an accumulation
of those moments,
right?
It's like—
You know what it is?
It's like, you get that moment.
Like, I'll use Burr as an example because, you know, only because I've talked
to him about
this specifically.
But, like, he didn't love the Philly rant because right away everyone thought,
oh, that's
his thing.
We're going to heckle him and he'll go lose his shit.
So he didn't love it.
But the thing is, that goes viral.
And then you Google that person.
You're like, who is this?
And then you see a body of work that's undeniable.
And you're like, oh, Bill Burr's my guy.
You know?
For Shane, I mean, in my opinion, it's that YouTube special he did.
And then you see Gillian Keeves.
You see all his sketches.
It was also him getting kicked off by SNL.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Him getting kicked off.
Him getting kicked off by SNL was huge.
Yeah.
It was the best thing that ever happened to him.
If he was on SNL, he would have got buried on that show like a lot of people.
But instead, he gets kicked off.
A bunch of people are mad at him.
And then they're like, well, what did he actually say?
And then people start looking into it.
And they go, oh, he was just fucking around.
He was pretending to be a racist guy in Chinatown.
Yeah.
That was the bit.
Like, he was just, they were just talking shit on a podcast.
And then he releases that special and you go, oh, he's actually a great comic.
He's like, dude, his special Olympics joke.
He's got so many good jokes.
His special Olympics jokes.
We were in the bus one time.
And my cousin Andrew goes, has anyone known Shane Gillis?
And I've known Shane for a while.
I have hysterical emails that he sent me back when he was like, just like an
open mic or
whatever, like going, like, hey, man, I feel like we connected.
They're the greatest, Joe.
If he knew that I was, he'd be, I should face him and go, hey, can I read your
emails on Joe?
He'd fucking lose his shit.
They're so fucking hysterical, Joe.
I'll send them to you.
And so I go, yeah, I love Shane.
I love Shane.
The day I met him, he goes, he's like, yeah, I'm supposed to go out with my
girlfriend
tonight.
And I was like, but it was like 10 in the morning.
We were drinking Fireball.
And he was like.
10 in the morning?
Yeah, we were doing, I used to do call and stick to work shows where we'd go to
the club.
You're drinking Fireball at 10 a.m.?
He's like, that's what he said.
He's like, I'm supposed to go out with my girlfriend.
I said, what's your girlfriend's name?
And he goes, Big Tuna.
And I went, Big Tuna?
And he goes, she's a big girl.
And I was like, yeah, I figured for the name, Shane.
And then I fucking, from that day on, but that special Olympic jokes, when he,
we listened
to it on the bus, he's like, what do you think, should we race them?
I mean, we were crying fucking laughing.
That's like one of my favorite jokes I've fucking ever heard.
He's got a lot of great bits, but that special that he did at the Creek in the
Cave, that was
like, people got to see, they're like, oh, okay, well, this is what he does.
He touches on that third wire.
Yeah.
You know, the third rail, rather.
And it's like, you know, it's funny.
It's really funny.
And they were trying to label him as this horrible racist that Saturday Night
Live hired.
But, you know.
Anything but, from my opinion.
But that happens, man.
You're going to, you know, you're going to get attacked.
There's always something.
There's always something that a comic says where someone's going to get mad,
especially
in this day and age.
People are just looking for things to get mad.
But almost always, it helps them.
If they're a good comic, almost always.
Like, Tony Hinchcliffe, it blew him up.
Like, almost always when something happens, you get attacked, people start
looking at you
and go, actually, this guy's really funny.
And then they become a fan.
Yeah.
Because you're just getting so many more eyeballs.
The people that are looking to hate you, they're going to hate you no matter
what.
But there's going to be a bunch of people that are all like, well, what's going
on?
And then they look into it.
I mean, that happened to me during COVID.
I gained 2 million followers in like a month.
2 million followers on Spotify in a month when they were trying to pull me off
of Spotify.
When all these music artists were calling me a vaccine denier and removing
their podcast,
removing their music.
Like when Neil Young and, was it Joni Mitchell?
Yeah, Joni Mitchell.
They publicly removed their music from Spotify because of my podcast.
Are they back?
Are they back?
Yeah.
I don't know if Joni Mitchell is, but yeah, Neil Young is.
I don't even think Neil Young actually owned his music, which was funny.
I think it was just like a ploy.
I mean, it's like, I think he probably believed a lot of things he was saying.
He was just misinformed.
He just didn't understand that I was actually talking to people that were
legitimate scientists
that turned out they were right now.
Now we know.
Yeah.
But back then, it was like there was this hysteria about it.
And a lot of people that were very skeptical started tuning in.
And then the whole fucking CNN thing when they turned me green, like all that
shit, it just,
that helped.
I don't know if I could have, like, I'm not good.
People always go, you know, if they're talking about you, it's good.
All press is good press.
But anytime anything negative comes out about me, it fucking devastates me.
I don't, like, I could not have gone through what you went through.
You just don't, I just don't read it.
If you don't read it, you're fine.
Like, how do you, because like, you come up in my newsfeed all the time.
And, and like, and I, I'm, I'm such a fucking idiot that if I'm scrolling
through Google
News and I see my name, I go, oh, what's that?
And then I'm like, God damn it.
You can't do that.
Last time I did this show, greatest experience, great hang, lucky streaming
number one on Netflix.
I'm so fucking happy.
I'm in my bed going, things are going good for the big guy.
Hit on Google News.
And it's like a picture of me and you.
I was like, Bert Kreischer, Joe Rogan.
And they're like, Bert Kreischer ruins the Joe Rogan podcast.
I'm like, motherfucker, and it was an MMA fucking journalist.
And I was like, wait, why?
God damn it.
I was like, oh.
And then, and then you see it and you're like, well, it can't be that bad.
I'm going to read it.
And they're like, oh my God.
But then my daughter, Georgia, said something very profound to me.
She was like, why would you allow that?
And I'm sure that guy will write that same article after this episode.
She goes, I'm sure he will.
I think the guy also has a fucking football feed.
He said I ruined the, anytime I do something, there's someone that says, Bert
Kreischer ruined
it.
And I'm the only one that reads it.
And my daughter, Georgia goes, literally looked at me and goes, did you have
fun with Joe?
I went, yeah, I had a blast.
I love being around Joe.
She was like, then fuck it.
She goes, your experience is the one that matters the most.
She goes, why would you allow someone to dictate your memory of an event?
And I was like, who the fuck raised you?
I was like, I don't know.
Well, you were on the road.
She probably raised herself.
That's why she's so wise.
She had to form her own opinions.
She had to read books.
Yeah.
She had to actually form her own opinions and think about things rationally,
having a father
like you.
You can't pay attention because the vast majority of people live miserable
lives.
That's Thoreau's quote.
Most men live lives of quiet desperation.
There's a lot of people out there that are very, very sad, very unhappy.
And looking to make something negative.
They're always looking to be a critic, which is fine.
You know, that's their prerogative, but it's not, you don't have to read it.
Well, it's, I'm at the place now, like I took Google News.
I took all Google and everything off my phone because the series premiered and
I didn't want
to get good or bad.
I was like, good.
Because you can't, you can't quantify the good.
Like, like if you're going to, if you're going to listen to the good, you got
to listen
to the bad.
And I was like, well, I don't want to hear the bad.
So I just want to hear the good.
And then, uh, and then we were, Jamie and I were talking about this outside,
but like
you have a social media team who's posting like, like, like, like your, your,
your claps,
like they're posting like the nice articles.
And I'm like, don't even post that.
Cause like, I don't even like, just stay out of it.
Just let, if people like it, let them like it.
And if they don't.
People have their own opinions.
That's the best move.
I don't have anybody that does that.
I don't have any of that.
Do you post all your own stuff on Instagram?
On Instagram.
If I post it, it's from me.
Really?
Yeah.
Always.
Yeah.
And then there's the Joe Rogan experience page that the staff does, but that is
just a
clip from the podcast.
They take an interesting clip where someone says something, it's put up with no
context.
It just says, you know, episode, blah, blah, blah.
That's it.
I try to do it as like natural and neutral.
You like it.
You don't like it.
If you don't like it, don't listen to the next one.
It's okay.
So wait, what, what is your, what is the impetus for you to post something?
Like, like when, at what point do you decide to share your life?
Well, I just feel like if there's something that I think someone will think is
interesting
or something that I would like to see if someone puts it on their feed, I'll
put it in there
every now, but I don't post that much because I don't read that much.
I stay off.
I don't think it's good for you.
I think it's not only do I not think it's good for you, I think it's genuinely
bad for
you.
And it gets in the way of all the other stuff that I like to do.
You know, I'm busy, man.
I'm busy.
There's a lot of interesting shit to pay attention to in the world.
I'm not one of those things.
I don't like paying attention to me, you know, and reading me or, and I don't
want to like
go online and see too many car crashes and people getting shot and animal
attacks.
It gets, Tommy and I have the worst fucking text message chain.
Him and I all day, whenever he finds something like unbelievably horrific, some
guy getting
run over by a truck, he'll just send it to me and then I'll send it to him.
And we're always trying to one up each other.
So when I find something absolutely horrible, someone says me something
absolutely horrible,
I send it to him.
And then we just, that's like my main source of like trauma online is my Tom
Segura text
message chain.
But other than that, I pretty much stay off.
I don't think it's good for you.
And I feel way better.
I started doing it a few months ago.
It's like a force of habit.
Like I'm looking at it all the time.
Let me just not look at it today.
And then I did it another day and another day.
I'm like, God, I feel better.
I feel better.
Like I genuinely feel better.
It's like I'm getting over a cold or something like that.
And so I said, all right, well, obviously, like engaging.
Definitely don't read anything.
Like definitely don't like read when people say things about you.
Definitely don't read when you post something, read the comments.
Don't do any of that.
You know, people get wrapped up in it and you realize like people are just
trying to take you down.
There's so, I mean, not all of them.
A lot of people are supporting you.
But it doesn't matter if there's like 10 people that love you and one person
that hates you.
You're going to think about that one person, you know, which is nuts.
But it's just human nature.
It's crazy how that algorithm works is that it's just like if there's someone
in the front row that's not laughing.
Like last night I had a, I don't know, it was at the bottom of the barrel and I
don't know how rape came up.
It always does.
And I was like, well, there's no phones in here.
Let's go.
If I'm going to go for it, it's in this room.
Right.
And there was a woman that did not like it.
And she was a little vocal in the crowd.
You know, the bounce was like, yo, you know, let him, you know, he's working
this out or whatever.
And then she's like, I was told to shut up.
And then the rest of the night I'm watching her out of the corner of my eye
going, God damn it.
And then I just dug holes and holes and holes.
And then at one point the whole audience is chanting rape.
And I'm like, oh my God, this is bad.
But, but it's, but it's, it's, uh, it's funny.
And then also it's like, listen, say you're some fucking dude looking for a
connection in life.
And you go to my page and you leave a hundred comments and they're like, you're
the best bird.
I love you.
When you come to Cincinnati, I'm going to be here.
Tampa, I'll be there, man.
I'm going to drive.
And then the one time he's like, you're a fucking bitch.
And then I reply.
He's like, oh, I guess that's how I get the cat to come outside.
You know?
So that's why I don't read, I don't read any comments.
Whitney was going into, you know, the Whitney thing about Miss Rachel.
I didn't know who Miss Rachel is.
I found out who she is today.
1.8 billion views on how to say mom and dad.
And I was like, it makes sense, man.
Well, she's, she's a, an educator for neurodivergent kids.
Is that what it is?
Yeah.
I watched a couple of videos.
Pull up some videos of Miss Rachel.
Because after people were dragged, by the way, the worst fucking people were
going after her.
People that I know that are comedians that are just unbelievably shitty, dishonest,
disingenuous human beings.
Bad faith communicators.
People that just like completely distort anything about the person.
Yeah.
And it's just because she's successful.
It's, it's a giant part of it.
And so they see her making some crack about Miss Rachel because she was
watching it with her kid.
She didn't know what the fuck it is.
So here's Miss Rachel.
Let me, let me hear what this sounds like.
I don't hear it, Jamie.
And I have two really special guests.
Do you hear it?
No.
No, not at all.
I don't hear it.
I don't hear anything in my own microphone.
Can you help me count them?
Do you hear it?
Thank you.
I don't hear you, Bert.
There we go.
There we go.
One, two, three, four.
Four must be the number of the day.
The dinosaur eggs are hatching.
Wow.
How many dinosaurs do we have?
One, two, three, four.
Okay, pause.
Why would you go after this?
Like, this is like a little kid show.
Yeah.
She must have been bored.
There's nothing different from this.
Blue's Clues, in my opinion.
It's a show for little kids.
Yeah.
Like, I don't get it.
I don't know.
Maybe she was just trying.
She was bored.
She was trying to write a joke and thought she'd get some traction, I guess.
Maybe she took two instead of one.
She got a little extra energy.
I don't know what she's doing.
All of a sudden, she's like, fuck Miss Rachel.
But then she started responding to people because she didn't understand what it
was, she said,
and then she took it down and apologized.
But you can't apologize to the mob.
They come for you.
They come for you.
She learned.
And I texted her.
I said, listen, I love you to death.
You got to stop going back and forth to these people.
You can't do that.
It's not, they don't, this is not a genuine conversation.
They don't care if you're, like, if you were a person and you were someone's
friend and you
started shitting on Miss Rachel and someone said, actually, that's like for
kids with learning
disorders.
And you'd be like, oh, fuck, I didn't know.
And that would be the end of it.
Yeah.
And then we'd laugh, you know, but these people are not looking for a real
conversation.
They're just looking to destroy your life.
And then so many people like, she lost her career, career's over.
They're like, well, you weren't going to see her anyway, you fucking cunt.
Like, what are you talking about?
You weren't, you weren't going to pay to see her anyway.
Stop saying her career's over.
It's not doing a damn thing to her career.
You just want it to be over because you live a miserable fucking life, which is
why you're
on Threads 12 hours a day.
It's so funny you say that I just read something negative about Whitney on Threads
today.
I was like, what does she do?
Bro, Threads is the worst.
And then I saw the Miss Rachel shit and I watched the video.
You know, I had two kids.
I don't know.
I look at that as I go, that's nice.
Threads is like for people who have already been like humiliated on Twitter and
they're
trying to find a new crowd.
Yeah.
It's very weird.
Very, very, like so much negativity.
Not that Twitter isn't.
Like, Twitter's super negative too.
I haven't been on X.
I try to look at the news only.
I try to look at news and things that people are exposing that's in the news,
which is very
interesting.
Speaking of which, what was that thing that you found?
So this is very strange.
This is about people being able to communicate in lucid dreaming.
Yeah, whether or not it's true, I guess.
We'll find out later.
Scientists report first ever communication between two humans during sleep.
Oh, I'd love this.
Scientists say that science fiction may be coming closer to reality.
According to reports, California startup claims it successfully enabled two-way
communication
between people while they were lucid dreaming.
Participants were asleep in separate locations while researchers monitored
their sleep and transmitted
a coded word designed to be perceived inside a dream without waking them.
The system reportedly relied on sensors, wireless communication, and
specialized software to detect
dream states and relay the message.
The company's founder says that what once sounded like science fiction could
soon become a part
of daily life.
No independent scientific...
But they're not saying what happened.
No independent scientific replication has confirmed the results yet.
Still, the experiment builds on real research showing that interaction between
lucid dreams
is possible.
Yeah, but what is the interaction?
The coded word, I guess, was it.
Did they relay the coded word to each other?
They both got the coded word?
That's where I started getting into weird space that I found out.
So this was posted on Instagram like yesterday or something.
I Googled it.
Press release was from 2024.
Breakthrough from REM space.
First ever communication between people and dreams.
So this is the article about it in Business Wire.
Lucid dreams occur, ba-ba-ba.
Participants are sleeping in their homes.
Brain waves and other polysomnographic data were tracked remotely, specially
designed, developed
apparatus.
When the server detected the first participant entered a lucid dream, it
generated a...
How do they detect that someone's in a lucid dream?
Because a lucid dream is a dream where you're aware that you're dreaming.
Yes.
It generated a random REM-YO word and sent it to him via earbuds.
Participant repeated the word in his dream with his response captured and
stored on the server.
What?
Eight minutes later, the next participant entered a lucid dream.
She received the stored message from the first participant and confirmed it
upon awakening.
Huh.
It's a little vague.
It sounds like they're saying it in the room and the person's grabbing it?
No.
It's sending it through earbuds.
Yeah.
They were both in their own houses, it said.
Yeah.
So they receive it through earbuds.
He says it in the dream and then she receives it.
No.
Huh.
Well, you got to wonder what is happening in dreams.
Dreams are very bizarre.
Have you ever lucid dreamed?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Not...
I mean, I've done it a couple of times, but I haven't on purpose.
And I've always wondered why not?
Like, why haven't I read books on lucid dreams?
Why haven't I tried to do it?
I think it's something that just happens.
No, you could actually do it.
You could...
There's guys that practice lucid dreaming.
I mean, I lucid dream pretty extensively.
Yeah?
Like, ever since...
I remember when you came out with AlphaBrain, you're one of the first things
you said it
would help with lucid dreaming.
Oh, if you take it before bed, it definitely helps with lucid dreaming.
Yeah.
And I remember saying, I didn't know what lucid dreaming was at the time.
And then I found out I was lucid dreaming.
And I've lucid dreamed my whole life.
But now that once I knew what it was, I could stay in a dream and decide...
And I could go back into dreams.
I could restart a dream that I just had, go back to sleep, and go, I'm going
back in.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
It sounds crazy, and I know it sounds like horseshit, but I never knew what it
was.
I never knew what it was until AlphaBrain.
There's actual techniques that people practice.
And apparently, they give classes and courses on how to do lucid books written
on it.
There's real techniques on how to lucid dream.
I just never...
I don't know why.
Like, when I'm tired, I just want to go to sleep.
I go hard all day.
Yeah.
And when I crash, I just crash.
I don't want to be fucking around and experimenting while I'm sleeping.
I just want to go to sleep.
My lucid dreams primarily are either...
Like, I realize I'm dreaming.
I go, I'm asleep.
I'm dreaming.
This isn't real.
Oh, shit.
I'm in control.
And then a lot of times, it has to do with fucking.
I'm like, oh, I don't have to put a condom on.
This is great.
This is fucking...
I can't.
I'm going to bang all these fucking chicks in this room.
And then one time, I had a lucid dream where I was like, I could...
I knew I was dreaming.
I was outside.
I had to go up these steps into an old cottage, one of those old Hollywood cottages.
And I was like, I got to have sex with anyone I want.
And in my dream, I was like, oh, pick your wife.
How cool is that?
And then I went to this cottage.
I know I fucked my wife.
How cool is that?
I know I could have fucked her in real life.
And then, but a lot of my dreams back in the day when we, when I first started
lucid dreaming, I would always decide to fly.
And I remember, I remember I had one right after we, the first time I ever
tried alpha brain, I had one.
And I, and it was, I was doing a photo shoot on Melrose.
And I was like, I don't want to be here.
And then I was like, wait, I'm dreaming.
This isn't real.
I was like, I'm going to fly home.
And so I just leapt up in the air, started flying over Hollywood and then over
the hills.
And then I was like, wait, I have no idea.
I have no frame of reference for where I am.
I was like, it's getting dark.
And I was like, where's the 101?
And then in the dream, I was just started, kept flying.
And then I'll wake up shortly thereafter, but it's a lot of like, a lot of sex
and a lot of flying.
A lot of people breathe underwater in their dreams.
I never breathed underwater.
Yeah, they breathe underwater in their dreams.
They fly.
Flying's like really common.
I used to have like crazy fucking dreams, like wild.
I sold a TV show to Comedy Central about my dreams.
Like I've had dreams where I wake up laughing.
I've had dreams where I wake up crying.
Like I have such insane fucking dreams.
But, and no one ever wants to, no one ever wants to hear you.
I would have dream, joke dreams, like real joke dreams.
Like I had a dream.
This is a real dream I had where I was on stage and I was in a dance position
like this.
And, uh, there's a, I know this sounds horse shit.
It's a real dream.
And, uh, and the curtain's drawn and I look around and I see I'm standing on
stage with four or five dudes that are all in Klan outfits.
And I'm like, oh fuck.
And I look down and I realize I'm in a Klan outfit.
And I'm like, motherfucker.
And I'm like, I gotta get off stage.
And the curtains draw back.
And I hear, and it's an all black people.
And I hear the voice, the voice of God go, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands
together for the click clack clan.
And we started tap dancing.
And we were so good that the black people got to their feet and they started
cheering.
And we're like, oh my God.
And so, yeah.
And that was a real dream.
I woke up and I wrote it down.
I used to write down all my dreams, voice text them.
I used to voice text them all.
I'd have dreams about you and Stanhope and Joey Diaz.
It was like my whole world.
I used to think to myself, I had a dream about Shaq the other day.
I was like, I wonder if Shaq ever dreams about me.
I bet he doesn't.
I bet he doesn't.
Who's someone you've had a dream about recently?
I don't really have dreams, too many dreams about people.
Not people that I know.
What are your dreams about?
My dreams are weird, man.
Like, let's dig into this.
I had a dream that I came on the podcast I had to talk about because it was the
absolute strangest, most realistic dream of my life.
And it was a dream where I encountered these beings that were not human.
And it was insanely realistic.
They were very human-like.
I think there was four of them.
They were tall and thin and they didn't look human.
Their heads were too big.
Their eyes were too big.
And I can't remember.
I think they had teeth.
I don't remember.
But I remember they were joking with me.
Like, they scared me?
And they were like, ah, just fucking around.
Like, trying to get me comfortable with who they are.
And they were communicating with me somehow or another through thoughts.
And I was really freaked out because they seemed very, very real.
It didn't seem like any other dream that I had.
So much so that I woke up at like 3.30 in the morning and I just lay in bed for
an hour trying to go back to sleep.
And I couldn't go back to sleep.
I was almost like, I'm not asleep.
I'm wide awake.
And so I went to the gym and I just worked out at 4 in the morning.
And I worked out for like two hours.
And after it was over, I got in the sauna, did the whole thing.
And then I came to work.
I was like, I have to talk about this right away.
Because it was so strange.
It was one of the only dreams that I've ever had that did not feel at all like
a dream.
It felt like I was encountering someone or something that was trying to get me
comfortable with the idea of encountering them.
It wasn't like a dream.
It was, I was in the corridor of something that seemed like it was, it was not
like it was from here.
It was like from somewhere else.
But it was almost like, it was very oddly lit.
Like the walls were lit in a very strange way.
But it was almost like it was, it was this corridor, but it had a feeling
almost like it was organic.
Like it was alive.
Like it was a living thing.
It was very fucking strange.
What if, what if that was, but what if that is something that you did in fact,
an experience that was taken out of your memory and then it's stuck in your
memory and you're dreaming about it?
I don't know.
I mean, you could maybe all day long, right?
And so my feeling was that I had, and this is, again, it clearly could, was, I
was dreaming, right?
So it clearly could have been just a dream.
But what it felt like was that it was an actual encounter with intelligence
that wasn't human.
That's what it felt like.
And it felt like these things were not, they were not us.
And maybe they were what a human will be someday because they were human-like,
but they were very slender.
They were very thin.
And they were wearing these suits that were like, almost like rash guards, like
what surfers wear, but, but, but a strange fabric.
Like it looked weird and it was the color of their skin, but it was clear that
they were wearing something.
It didn't appear that they had any genitals.
They had no muscle tone at all.
They were just thin and they were communicating with me and looking at me and
they were, they were close, like where you are right now.
And I think, like I said, I think it was at least three of them.
I think there was four of them, but I remember there was one that was going
like, like, joking around with me, like trying to scare me.
And then like, like, and it felt to me after they did it, like, relax, like,
this is okay.
Like, don't be freaked out, whatever this is, don't be freaked out.
And then I woke up and when I woke, and then there was also this weird reptilian
element of it.
There was like a barrier.
They had a barrier and they were feeding like with, they were like pouring food
to these things that almost like it was letting me know.
The protection between you and this horrific danger that's out there in the
world, in the universe, in life, is very, it's very thin.
There's very thin protection.
There's not much protection.
It was just like a, like a barrier, like a simple barrier, like a, you know,
like a fucking, a blockade they put to keep a crowd from passing through an
area to let you know you're not supposed to go here.
It's crazy how, it's crazy how much you, how long ago did you have this dream?
A few months ago.
But isn't it so wild that something that didn't happen can be locked in your
memory and then you just, you're like, God, it affects you almost like it did.
Well, now it's like a memory of my recollection of the memory, which is odd,
which is memories in general, which is why people distort memories and change
them and make, you know, make the past something that's not real.
You know, you've talked to people that, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, we all do it.
I do it on podcasts.
Yeah, everybody does it.
But this was different.
This, whatever this dream was, I mean, look, there's a lot of confusion about
what happens during sleep.
You know, we don't exactly know why you have dreams and what it's all, what's
the function of it, what's the purpose of it.
But this one was different.
It was much more realistic than any dream I had ever experienced before.
Like, the interaction between me and these creatures, these beings, was very
different than anything I'd ever experienced in a dream.
The point, like, I felt it physically.
And I woke up, I can sleep on a bag of rocks.
I can just go to sleep, dude.
Really?
It drives my wife crazy because she struggles to sleep.
And if we got on a plane, I just, I just cock out because I'm always going.
So, like, when it's time, when it's downtime, I don't have a problem sleeping,
dog.
I can go to sleep.
I'll sleep on a roof.
I can sleep.
I couldn't go back to sleep, which is really weird for me.
I mean, I was wide awake at four in the morning, you know?
And I'm like, okay, I'm going to the gym.
Because I laid in bed for a whole hour trying to go back to sleep.
And it's just a dream.
Just go to sleep.
I'm like, dude, just get up.
You're not going to sleep.
And I'm like, all right, well, I'm up.
I'll just go work out.
Like, maybe that'll help me go to sleep.
Nope.
I was wide awake.
Wide awake.
I wasn't even, most of the time when I'm working out, I'm either watching music
or watching fights on TV.
I didn't even do that.
I was just by myself in silence trying to make sense of it.
Just doing chin-ups and dips and trying to make sense of whatever the fuck that
was.
Because it just didn't seem like a dream.
It felt so real.
It felt so real.
And when I've talked to, like, my UFO friends, like Jesse Michaels, who's, like,
really into UFOs, he's like, I think you had a real encounter.
I'm like, I don't know.
You know, I don't know what it was.
But it certainly felt like a real encounter, whatever it was.
Do you listen to anything while you sleep or do you sleep in the silence?
Oh, I listen to podcasts, so I'll have dreams.
While you're sleeping?
Always.
That's so ridiculous.
That's so unhealthy.
I listen to a podcast about Rasputin last night.
You ever see his dick?
They have his dick pickled in a jar.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Dude, he was the, you know, he was just fingering chicks.
Are you sure?
I don't know.
I think he was fucking.
It's not in the.
The giant hog like that?
I think he's putting it to use.
Find Rasputin's hog.
But he was, that's what he did.
I am.
I would love to see his dick.
You'll see it.
That's his dick.
Oh my God.
Look at the size of that hog.
By the way, that's limp and dead.
Imagine what that thing looked like when it was hard.
Look at that, look at that guy's face.
Look at the size of this cock.
Look at this cock.
Big old fucking pickle.
That's a big dick.
I mean, like, again, this is like a dead man's dick.
So there's no blood in it at all.
Imagine what that thing was like hard.
Big old Russian dick.
Big old axe handle.
Thank God that wasn't my dream.
So he was, you know, he was like, what does it say?
Rasputin's alleged genitals were sold in 2000 for $8,000.
Still surrounded by mystery with some experts believing it might actually
belong to a bull.
Shut up.
They had a hard time killing him.
Yeah, they tried to poison him, right?
And they'd shoot him at the end and then throw him in the fucking river.
Well, Russians are different white people.
Ah, that's the joke I missed last night.
What?
In the bottom of the barrel, they were like, Trump versus Putin.
And I was like, and I was thinking about Rasputin, but I was thinking, but I
was like, Russians are hard to kill.
And then I just went on to fucking talk about it.
What was this thing?
He was like a spiritual advisor?
Joe, that's a great topic.
I'll tell you everything you know.
Yeah, it was a self-described holy man.
He was from?
From 1869 to 1966.
He was from Siberia.
So he gained significant influence with Tsar Nicholas II after 1905, rapidly
earning the trust of both Nicholas himself and his wife, Alexandra.
He became a healer, in quotes, for their hemophiliac son, Alexei.
What was happening was Alexei was getting given aspirin by the doctors, and Rasputin
came in and was like, yo, get the doctors away from him.
And he was a hemophiliac, he had internal bleeding.
And when they removed the aspirin, which is a blood thinner, the kid started to
heal.
And so the Tsarina said, he's magic.
Even like, at one point, the kid was going to die, and he wrote a letter, and
he said, your kid's going to be fine.
I had a dream about it, but get the doctors out of there.
And the doctors were always giving him aspirin, and that was what was injuring
the kid.
All the royalty at that time were hemophiliacs.
What?
Yeah, because of the inbreeding.
That's why they didn't have chins, they had long noses, and they were all hemophiliacs.
Oh, God.
And so, but what's crazy is the Russian, so she loved Rasputin, and would write
letters to Rasputin that kind of sounded a little sketchy.
But then all of Russia started thinking, this healer has an end to the Tsar and
the Tsarina.
So all of a sudden, this healer's running the country.
What they didn't know, they couldn't tell anyone, no, our kid's a fucking hemophiliac.
They couldn't tell anyone that, because then they looked weak.
Oh.
And so, so in a weird way, Rasputin got kind of thrown to the wolves, because
they couldn't tell him why they needed him.
That she wasn't fucking him, that their marriage was intact.
How do you know she wasn't fucking him?
That big old giant dick, that guy was laying pipe.
He might have been.
He probably was.
She wrote a letter that says, like, kiss your, like, she wrote a letter, and
translation was like, kiss your cheek gently.
Oh, yes.
Yeah, he fucked her.
It was Catherine the Great that fucked a horse.
I heard about that.
Yeah.
Didn't she die fucking a horse?
I think so.
I went to that barn.
Whoopsies.
When I was in Russia, we went to that barn.
If you inbreed, you know, multiple generations in a row, and then give them
ultimate power, they're going to start fucking horses.
I mean, what kind of life is that?
What kind of weird world is that?
You're born royal?
It's insane.
You know what I'm watching again?
What?
Game of Thrones.
Started it all from the beginning.
Are you serious?
Fucking amazing.
We're on season two now.
You wait, your family?
Yeah.
Okay.
Me and my wife.
It's so good, dude.
We did it with the girls on vacation.
Bro, whoever that dude is that played Joffrey, that guy should get all the
awards.
Yeah.
He's so good.
His transition from being like a shitty kid to an evil king is fucking amazing.
The way he plays Joffrey is fucking incredible.
Yeah.
I forgot how good that show is.
It's one of the greatest shows of all time.
But you'll never-
It's so good.
You'll never see him as anything other than Joffrey.
It's a problem.
Yeah.
That's a problem for a lot of people that have like significant, like Kramer.
Like, you know, like-
Two things.
A couple things.
This is the other thing.
Do you know he wrote a book and didn't mention that in the book?
Really?
Yeah.
That's interesting.
Yeah.
Somebody read the book.
One of the comics read the book.
He's like, I'm waiting for that to come up.
He goes, he never fucking brings it up.
What's the title?
A tell-all book except for one thing.
Except for the fucking biggest thing that's ever happened.
The biggest thing that ever happened in my life.
Not only that, it was the first cancellation.
The first public cancellation.
Was that really the first cancellation?
Oh, yeah.
Through viral video.
The first public cancellation through viral video.
Because I remember that night.
Because I think I was at the improv and then I came over to the store.
Oh, I do remember that night.
And Brent Ernst was at the store.
He had just come over from the laugh factory.
He goes, bro.
He goes, I was just a laugh actor.
He goes, Kramer was off the rails.
He goes, he went nuts.
He got heckled.
He started yelling the N-word at these fucking people in the audience.
I go, no.
He goes, dude, it was fucking crazy.
He goes, he was bombing and they were heckling him.
And then he starts dropping N-bombs.
I'm like, no way.
He goes, yeah, I don't know what the fuck he was on.
But he did a set at the store.
He seemed a little speedy.
Yeah.
A little, you know, a little elevated.
And then left the store, bombed at the store and went over to the laugh factory.
And that was that night.
He did.
He was at the improv the weekend before.
And I was there.
And he was doing stand-up, but he was doing a version of Kramer, a version of
like crazy.
And he fell on a glass.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
And broke the glass and cut himself.
But everyone laughed.
And I think everyone was like, I think he's bleeding.
But it was like really off.
Well, he was doing really off stuff from the jump.
Like, he came to the store.
I think he just decided to start doing stand-up because Seinfeld had been
canceled for a long time.
Want to start doing something again.
And he started doing stand-up, but he didn't have any material.
He would just kind of fall down.
It was weird.
He would like pretend that something went wrong and like try to do the mic
stand and slip and fall.
It was very odd.
Which is also my theory that I've been telling everybody about Chevy Chase.
Ooh.
Okay.
I'd love to hear this.
So, everybody is talking about what a terrible person Chevy Chase is.
And, you know, there's all these videos that come out of him screaming at
people and being mean and, you know.
I saw one with Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield, and him.
Where it's like right when they're promoting Caddyshack.
And he just starts.
Yells at some other guy, right?
Some other guy that's on the set.
And this is my take on it.
I want you to pull up the, like a compilation of Chevy Chase's Pratt Falls.
Okay.
Chevy Chase has to be in constant pain.
Has to be.
He has to be in constant pain and almost 100% has CTE.
Chevy Chase used to throw himself down flights of stairs.
He used to throw himself off the stage into chairs and tables.
He used to, like, slip, go flying through the air, land on his head.
The most ridiculous Pratt Falls.
The most aggressive, violent Pratt Falls you've ever seen.
And he did this for years.
Yeah.
For years.
Like, he was in a car crash multiple times a week for years.
Wow.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe he had a shitty personality already.
Well, I think he was also that first generation of what fame is.
Like, he was the most famous person to ever come off SNL, ever.
Like, his walking off SNL was, like, get ready for a movie star.
And I don't think we'll ever, I won't ever understand the level of fame he had.
At the time.
Like, his fame was, like, and this is also, I mean, like, look, I love Burt
Reynolds.
But Steve Martin was super famous, too, and he's not a cunt.
No.
You know what I mean?
It's like, I don't think that's it.
I want you to see these videos.
I don't know why I can't find a compilation.
I can find a bunch of videos of it.
Just, I know there's a compilation because I've seen it.
I just typed it in, and the video that pops up only has, it's a four-minute
video of him on Johnny Carson.
No.
I'm just.
I know.
I'm telling you.
There's a bunch.
There's a bunch.
Gerald Ford.
That was, Gerald Ford fell, right?
So he would, yeah, because Gerald Ford was kind of like Biden.
He would fall all the time.
So here it is.
Dude, look at that.
You know how hard he falls there?
Go back and watch that again.
Watch how hard he falls when he does this.
This is him doing this Christmas.
What happened?
The Christmas thing that you just showed.
I'm telling you, I just accidentally disappeared.
Hmm.
Joe.
You could find it.
There it is.
Okay.
Watch this.
Watch this.
Watch him fall.
Boom.
Head first.
With the tree.
Falls down.
Barely stops his fall.
Chevy Chase.
Worst wrestling moments from Saturday Night Live.
Like, this is just, this is him just stumbling around.
This is nothing.
But there's videos of him fall.
Okay, obviously that chair is going to break.
No, this is not what I'm looking for.
See if you can find it.
Find it and get back to us.
But there's, I know there's videos of him, like, literally, like, flying off
stage, landing
on his back, slipping legs up in the air, landing on his head.
Yeah.
I had to fall off a ladder for a TV show one time.
They're like, we need you to fall.
And they had a crash pad.
You get four steps up a ladder, you're high as fuck.
Well, even if you have a crash pad, your head is wobbling around, right?
So your brain is sloshing around from the impact.
This is one of the things that people don't realize.
Like, football players get brain damage from getting hit in the chest.
So CTE you can get from riding a jet ski, from bouncing on the waves.
It's your brain walking, fucking bouncing around off the walls of your skull.
From roller coasters.
You can get it from everything.
You can get it from a lot of things.
Repeated, sub-concussive trauma.
God damn it.
But he fell and landed on his fucking head.
Yeah.
And if you find the video that's a compilation, there's a compilation of people
like the worst
falls of Chevy Chase.
And it's crazy.
Really?
And he did this for years.
That was his thing.
Slip and fall.
Slip and fall.
Slip and fall.
And tons of coke.
All those things.
So slip and fall, allegedly, tons of coke.
Allegedly.
Allegedly.
I mean, I don't know.
I mean...
I read some books.
Yeah, but the book on...
Do you know what happened when Bill Murray was here?
When he was talking...
Bired?
Yeah.
Are you talking about Bill...
Yeah.
I love that book.
So when he read Wired, he read...
So the guy who wrote Wired was Bob Woodward.
Bob Woodward was the guy that was involved in Watergate.
He was the naval intelligence officer who became a journalist.
And his first ever assignment was to take down the president, which is very
suspicious.
Like, Tucker Carlson told me the whole story behind it.
I was like, what?
The people that broke in were all FBI.
The whole thing was a setup.
It was to set Nixon up.
And they had already gotten rid of Spiro Agnew, who was his VP.
They got him on, I think, corruption charges.
I forget what it was.
Didn't Kennedy put the bug system in there?
Wasn't the...
It was the president before that put the wiring inside the room, right?
What room?
In Watergate.
Didn't...
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Listen, it was a setup.
Nixon was not involved in the setup, but they told him about what happened, and
then he was
involved in the cover-up.
That's how they got him.
Oh, okay, okay.
That's how they got him, and that's how he got removed from office.
And the recordings were from his office, right?
The recordings were from the Democratic Party.
So he was recording the Democratic Party.
He was recording...
He was secretly recording the opposition party, but he didn't do it.
So the FBI did it, and then they brought it to him knowing that he would cover
it up, and
that's where he committed the crime.
Like, instead of coming out and saying, hey, some people have recorded these
people.
I mean, even if he did that, they would have said he was involved.
But the whole thing was to get him out of office.
The reason why they wanted to get him out of office is because he was publicly
and privately
stating, at least amongst other people that were in the White House, that he
knew who
killed JFK, and he was going to get to the bottom of it.
Because, look, JFK had just been killed.
He ran against JFK in 1960.
60 or 62?
62?
What year was it?
Either way, I think it was 60.
He ran against JFK, and then JFK gets assassinated, and now he's the president.
And when he's the president, he was publicly stating or privately stating to
different people
like he was going to get to the bottom of it, and he knew who killed JFK.
He was, like, investigating it.
He was interested in it, obviously, because he was worried they were going to
kill him.
So then they set him up, and they removed him from office, and they put Gerald
Ford in as
his VP.
Gerald Ford was also on the Warren Commission.
Like, the whole thing was a giant setup to get rid of the most popular
president in
the history of the country.
You know, and everybody's like, oh, Nixon's a crook.
Nixon's a crook.
I'm not a crook.
That was all, like, this gigantic propaganda PR campaign to remove Nixon from
office.
It was all a deep state operation.
Nixon won the presidency by, like, the widest margin of anybody in history.
He was the most popular president in history.
And in today's days, we think of Nixon as being a crook and a scumbag.
But he didn't even do it.
He was just involved in the cover-up when they brought it to him.
It was like, what is he going to do?
He's running for president, again, to re-election.
And they're saying, you know, hey, these guys, they busted these guys recording
things.
Cover it up.
Cover it up.
Cover it up.
And so that's how they got him.
And what was his post-presidency like?
So what do you mean?
Let me finish.
Oh, sorry.
So before I go any further.
So Bill Murray is here.
And he said he read the first couple pages of Wired.
And he goes, he put it down.
He goes, oh, my God, they framed Nixon.
That was the first thing that he said.
He said, because the version that Bob Woodward told of John Belushi, his very
good friend,
was so wildly off.
He goes, that time where John did that speedball and died was probably the only
time where he
ever did that.
He goes, he was a total lightweight.
He would have a couple of drinks and he'd be drunk.
He wasn't a guy who did drugs all the time.
He goes, it was all bullshit.
Are you serious?
Yes.
Yes.
Do you realize like guys like Chris Farley literally idolized John Belushi
because of
books like Wired?
Exactly.
Exactly.
And well, the difference is Chris Farley really was doing drugs.
Myself, I idolized John Belushi.
Right.
I read Wired when I was in college and was like, dude, this is, I mean, there's
so many
aspects of my personality that I draw from a book like that of like the way he
was comfortable
in an agent's office and P-12 shots I get because of John Belushi.
Well, I'm sure he did all those things and I'm sure he partied.
But like the version, this exaggerated version of just being completely out of
control on drugs
was fake.
And this is according to Bill Murray, who's best friends with him.
He's like, it's not true.
It's like if somebody tried to write something about you and I read it and I
was like, this
is not Byrd at all.
So his initial thought was, oh my God, they framed Nixon.
Jesus Christ.
And they did.
They did frame Nixon.
See if you can find the video of Tucker Carlson explaining to me how they
framed Nixon.
I have a copy of Wired in my tour bus.
Yeah.
Don't read it.
I'm going to get rid of it.
Bob Woodward was an intelligence agent.
100%.
He was Naval Intelligence and then he left from that, which he never really
leave.
And then he became a reporter for the Washington Post.
And his first job was Watergate.
Which is nonsense.
It's fucking insane.
There's no way.
A senior reporter would be covering the most important story.
You wouldn't give it to a rookie whose first assignment.
What about Bernstein?
What about him?
I don't know.
Because didn't they write it together?
Yeah, they did.
I mean, I don't know anything about Bernstein.
And Deep Throat was there.
Did we ever find out who Deep Throat was?
Yeah, listen to this, though.
This is seven minutes long.
You're going to watch the little thing?
Let's listen to some of it because it's interesting.
That's what it is.
It's their tool.
And they're perfectly aware of that.
I mean, I used to write for the New York Times as a freelancer.
I mean, I've been around the New York Times a lot.
And there are, yeah, there are a lot of really smart people there.
But for sure, even now, I would do less so now.
But there's still, I think, smart people there.
There are.
I know some.
And they know.
But they think that that, you know, it's worth it because they're bringing
information.
I don't know what they think, actually.
But no, they're tools of power.
And that's like the one thing that you're not allowed to be.
Even if you think the power is good.
Like maybe they all support the agenda of the U.S. government, destabilizing
the world and impoverishing their own population.
Maybe they're on board with that.
Even if they are, they shouldn't do it because the job of the media, the press,
is to keep power in check.
You are kind of like the seatbelt, right?
You know, you make sure that things don't go too far.
So, and they're not doing that.
They're acting as a willing handmaiden.
When do you think that switched?
Well, I think it's been the case for a long time.
I mean, if you look at what happened to Richard Nixon, which I, of course, did
not understand at all.
Richard Nixon was taken out by the FBI and CIA and with the help of Bob Woodward,
who was a Washington Post reporter who had been a naval intelligence officer
working in the White House, working in the Nixon White House.
And then he shows up, like, a year later, and he's this brand new reporter.
He'd never been a journalist at all.
He's a naval intel officer, the famous Bob Woodward we all revere.
And he's at the Washington Post.
And somehow he gets the biggest story in the history of the Washington Post.
He's the lead guy in that story.
Well, I worked at a newspaper.
I've been in the news business my whole life.
That is not how it works.
You don't take a kid, like, his first day from a totally unrelated business and
put him on the biggest story.
But he was.
He was that guy.
And who is his main source for Watergate?
Oh, the number two guy at the FBI.
Oh, so you have the naval intelligence officer working with the FBI official to
destroy the president.
Okay, so that's a deep state coup.
What else?
How would you describe that?
If that happened in Guatemala, what would you say?
And yet the way it was framed and the way that I accepted for decades was, oh,
this intrepid reporter fought power.
No, no, no.
This intrepid reporter, Bob Woodward, was a tool of power, secret power, which
is the most threatening kind, to bounce the single most popular president in
American history, Richard Nixon, from office before the end of his term.
And replace him with who?
Oh, Gerald Ford, who sat on the Warren Commission.
Now, how did Gerald Ford get to be Richard Nixon's vice president?
Well, because Carl Albert, the Democrat speaker of the House, told him, you
must choose him.
We will only confirm him when they sent the actual elected vice president away
for tax evasion, Spiro Agnew of Maryland.
So you have a complete setup, like an absolute, Gerald Ford, the only unelected
president in American history, actually sat on the Warren Commission.
Something else that I accepted at face value until I looked at it, I was like,
that's completely insane.
You didn't want to interview Jack Ruby in your investigation of the
assassination?
Okay, you're fake.
Yeah, he was on the Warren Commission.
And so, sorry for the long story, but the point is, like that happened in front
of all of us, but the way it was framed cloaked to the obvious reality of it.
The people who broke into the Watergate office building, from which the name is
taken, Watergate, I think it was six of them or seven of them, all but one was
a CIA employee.
That's real.
It's like, look it up on Google.
So the whole thing, Richard Nixon was elected by more votes than any president
in American history in the 1972 election.
He was the most popular by votes, which is the only way we can really measure
popularity, the most popular president in his reelection campaign.
And two years later, he's gone, undone by a naval intel officer, the number two
guy at the FBI, and a bunch of CIA employees.
You tell me what that is.
Those are the facts.
Those are not disputed facts.
That's not crackpot shit.
That's just look it up.
So why did they want to get rid of Nixon?
You know, there are a lot of theories on that.
I mean, we don't, first of all, we don't need to know motive to know what
happened.
They, meaning unelected federal employees, got rid of Richard Nixon, which is
the most anti-democratic way to make a leadership change that there is.
OK, I should just say that I actually kind of believe in democracy, obviously,
it's not working well, obviously, it's ending globally.
There will never be another liberal democracy, unfortunately, but I'm attached
to it because I was born here.
I really believe in it, and it's better than any other system.
So that's why I'm pissed.
What was their motive?
There are a lot of theories on this.
There's an amazing conversation.
It's on tape between Richard Nixon when he was still president.
I think it was in 1973, and I think it was Richard Helms, the head of the CIA,
though I may have fucked that up, but it was the head of the CIA.
I think it was Helms.
And Nixon says, I know why they killed Jack Kennedy.
So Nixon was a student of history, obviously a flawed and complicated person,
but a very, very smart person.
And he was really interested in why this guy who'd been president, just one
president before him, was murdered.
And he didn't think it was a lone gunman who was mysteriously assassinated two
days later by another lone gunman.
Like, it's so obviously bullshit, and he knew that.
And he said to the CIA director, and you can listen to the tape, it's on the
Internet, is totally silent on this question.
So I think there was the impression, I don't think I know, that Nixon
understood that the bureaucracy was really in control of the country.
It wasn't elected officials.
And that's a massive threat because it's true.
That's good.
Dude.
Yeah.
That's all media.
Yeah.
All media takes their slant and their angle and decides they're going to
dictate it their way, as opposed to, I don't even know, I don't even know of a
journalist that, I mean, no one, there's no one that sits objectively and
watches anything anymore.
No, not in mainstream media.
No, absolutely not.
You saw what they did with the photo of that kid who got shot, that pretty guy
who got shot in Minneapolis.
MSNBC doctored his photo and made him better looking, fixed his teeth,
squared his jaw, gave him a tan.
You haven't seen it?
No.
Please pull that up.
We showed it yesterday, but we'll show it again today, the before and after.
It's in the text that I sent you.
It's fucking crazy.
Look at the difference.
What?
Yeah.
It's him on the left.
He looks like Ari's brother.
On the right, he looks like some fucking handsome CrossFitter.
Like, look at the difference.
Look at the teeth.
Look at the nose.
They shrunk his nose.
They widened his jaw.
They shrunk his chin.
That's crazy.
They decided he was too ugly to be sympathetic towards.
So, so then, so then, man, this kind of bums me out that you, I mean, I always
kind of had
hopes up that if I turned on, if I turned on the news, I'd hear some objective
rant or
some objectiveness of anything.
But there's none.
Yeah, you got to go independent.
You got to go to Glenn Greenwald and Michael Schellenberger and people like
that, Matt
Taibbi.
You got to go to independent journalists.
Those are the only ones that are going to give you the real deal.
People that are connected to giant corporations, their jobs to distribute the
news, they're
not going to give you.
They're going to give you a narrative that's approved.
Who was Deep Throat?
Because Deep Throat was exposed.
They did eventually expose Deep Throat, and it's even more shocking when you
find out who
Deep Throat was.
I saw the movie.
That's a different movie.
That's about sucking cock.
That was a good one.
Well, the name Deep Throat was because it gnawed to the movie.
Oh, for real?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the movie came out first.
Deep Throat was W. Mark Felt, the number two official at the FBI during Watergate,
who
secretly provided key information to Washington Post reporter Bob Woodburn.
So the FBI was involved in the break-in.
The number two official at the FBI was the guy who was providing information
under the
name Deep Throat.
So the FBI did it.
They did the whole thing.
Is that your phone?
Yeah, I'm an old man, Joe.
I'm an old man.
The FBI.
It's the FBI.
You said FBI too many times.
Who's calling you when it's on Do Not Disturb?
It might be the FBI.
Spam risk?
Should I answer?
No.
Why is it?
I don't understand.
You put it on Do Not Disturb.
I have no idea, Joe.
I'm old.
They're hacking it.
I'm fucking...
I need...
They probably do.
That's a weird ring, though.
It's an old man ring.
Odd choice.
Because my wife doesn't answer her fucking phone, so I turned her ring to that,
so she changed
my ring to that.
We're two old fucking people.
So then what's the fix?
How do I trust anyone?
You have to trust independent news, independent media that's not connected to
any corporation.
Because as soon as you're connected to a corporation, you're connected to
advertisers.
As soon as you're connected to advertisers, a giant percentage of advertisers
on television
is pharmaceutical drug companies, major corporations.
So you have things that you're not allowed to touch.
That's why you never hear anything in all the news about vaccine injuries.
You never.
Never hear about all these people that are having strokes, all these people
that are...
The rise in heart attacks, the rise in myocarditis, particularly amongst young
people, blood
clots.
You don't hear any of that?
That's what we were talking about.
I got vaxxed like four times.
Like boosters from W. Johnson, Johnson, Johnson.
And that's the first thing they say when they start looking at blood clots.
They're like, did you get vaccinated?
And I was like, yeah, four times.
Even doctors were like, fuck, you didn't need to do it four times.
Yeah, well, I don't know why you did that.
Because you had to get into a goddamn concert.
You had to show fucking...
Yeah, but you didn't have to have four of them to get in a concert.
I had a TV...
The first one was real early.
Like I got it when you had gotten canceled for getting it.
They're like, just Mexican people.
And I just went in with a mask on like, hola.
And got a fucking shot in East LA because I had to go shoot a movie.
Oh, wow.
They're like, do not show your fucking face.
And I was like, I won't, I won't.
Why not show your face?
Because it was like...
It was back when it was like...
It was just...
What was it?
Not needy workers.
What is it called?
Remember the first round of...
Support workers?
It was like people you need in the country, you know.
Right.
Essential workers.
And then I was shooting a movie, so they got me a pass to get it.
Oh, so you got it when you weren't supposed to get it.
Well, yeah, way early.
Way early.
Oh, interesting.
And then I got it.
I had to get it again in Serbia.
For a movie?
And yeah, and that's when...
They made you get it again?
Again.
Yeah.
And then I got it when I came home, and then I got it one more time.
Moe Amher told me he had to do it.
He had to get boosted before they let him do his Netflix series.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Doesn't he make sense?
Well, why?
Meanwhile, he'd had COVID.
He'd recovered.
He had COVID when we were all doing those concerts, when me and Chappelle and
him and a bunch of other
guys were doing those pandemic concerts.
He got COVID.
So there was no reason for him to get boosted.
I got boosted four times.
I got COVID 11 times.
God.
I mean, it's like fucking...
It's so crazy.
It's crazy.
I had COVID when I was shooting Free Burt.
Jeez.
I gave it to a bunch of people.
They were like, you got a cough.
And I was like, ah, it's fine.
Do you want to get tested?
I was like, no, I'm not getting tested.
It's like my wife has to be wearing a condom.
I was like, we're good, guys.
And then I gave it to one of the dudes, I think.
And the dude was wearing a mask.
He was the only one that got it.
Shout out to my buddy.
Well, he probably had gotten boosted a bunch of times.
I should tell everyone to watch Free Burt on Netflix.
I should say that.
But keep going.
Can I tell you something I'm obsessed with and I've been dying to talk to you
about?
So, like, I've been watching a lot of UFC lately.
And I want your perspective because I'm thinking of this globally.
Like, Jordan, they compare Jordan and LeBron James, right?
Right.
And they compare Tom Brady to Joe Montana.
And the big argument they always say is, well, you know, Tom Brady couldn't
play in the league Joe Montana played in because the rules were different.
They got fucked up left and right, right?
Okay.
And, like, they were concussions and there was no roughing the passer.
You could hit the quarterback late.
All that shit.
Right.
Well, what about UFC?
Because, like, how would, say, and I don't mean slanderous.
I'm just curious.
Okay.
Someone like Tank Abbott or Dan Severinsen or Hoist Gracie, how would they fare
against, say, the fighters that are fighting today?
Well, it really all depends on whether or not they're – I think Tank Abbott
would do really well.
I think Tank Abbott would do really well because the heavyweight division is
the most shallow division.
Like, would he do really well against the guys like Cyril Ghosn or Tom Aspinall?
Probably not.
But he didn't do really well against guys like Maury Smith, you know, the real
elite strikers of the day.
But Tank Abbott was a fucking huge man.
I mean, he was an enormous, powerful guy who had ridiculous knockout power and
he would brawl.
And anybody who brawl – like, look at Derrick Lewis.
Derrick Lewis has the most knockouts in the history of the UFC.
And he's not, like, the most highly skilled guy in the sport.
He's just a really big, powerful guy who has unbelievable knockout power.
And he's still relatively successful even today.
I mean, he has the most knockouts in the history of the heavyweight division.
But Tank Abbott would still fuck a lot of people up in the lower ranks of the
heavyweight division.
Dan Severin would still take a lot of people down and beat their asses because
he was an elite wrestler.
Like, those kind of skills – Mark Coleman would take a lot of people down and
beat their asses.
Those skills that they have, like, the elite wrestlers and the really powerful
punchers, they would always do well.
Hoyce Gracie, if – first of all, if he was fighting in the UFC, he would be
fighting without a gi.
So that would be different, right?
So he relied on the gi a lot because he would get a hold of guys and they would
grab the gi, like, instinctively.
And he'd be like, great.
Like, that's what he wanted.
And then once he went to the ground, I mean, it was like a man and a child.
Like, his jiu-jitsu was so good.
And for the time, no one even knew jiu-jitsu.
So he was a black belt against white belts and he was just tapping out
everybody.
Nobody had a chance.
In this day and age, that's just not the case anymore.
Hoyce Gracie still, if he was alive today – or not if he was alive today.
Of course he's alive today – if he was competing today, if he was a young man
competing today, he would still give hell to a lot of people in an appropriate
weight class if it went to the ground because his jiu-jitsu is so good.
His striking was always a means to an end.
His striking, he would go at a distance, he would kick at your legs, but his
whole thing was about closing the distance, getting you to the ground, strangling
you, getting on you an armbar, tapping you out in a triangle, jiu-jitsu.
So he was a pure jiu-jitsu fighter.
And if it went to the ground today, he would still give real problems to a lot
of fighters because he was that good.
He was that good on the ground.
And today, with the difference in training partners, he'd be even better.
Yeah.
I'm reading this book by Wright Thompson.
You know that dude?
He wrote Pappy Land?
No.
But he's talking about Jordan in this book and how at 50, Jordan had a hard
time going to the next phase of his life.
He still was like, what if I put him on?
What if I put, I want to go, you know?
Right, of course.
He's a champion.
It happens with fighters, too.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, you go back to Shannon Sharpe, and he's doing better now financially
than he ever did, but I bet he traded all.
Yeah, it's the glory of sport.
It's like there's nothing else like those highs, especially for a fighter, when
you're like Justin Gaethje this weekend who beat Pappy Pimblin.
Oh, my God.
Crazy fight.
That guy, when it was over, the happiness that he had, the smile on his face,
he was just in a high like nothing else in life.
It's hard for those guys to put that away.
It's hard for those guys to let that go.
Yeah.
And their identity is completely wrapped around the fact that they're an elite
fighter.
How did you not have your identity about your career?
Because I know you pretty well, and you never really – like it's tough to
disconnect your identity to your career or your dreams or your hopes, which I
think fighters, it's easy to understand.
Athletes, it's easy to understand.
But I think it happens with comedians and actors and even podcasters to say,
how did you not do that?
Well, I don't know.
I recognize the pitfalls in it.
But I also recognize that at the end of the day, you're just a human being.
And I think – man, I've said this a million times, and I'm sorry I have to
repeat it, but I think brutal workouts are what center me.
It's the one thing that centers me more than anything in life.
Because I do to myself – I humble myself all the time.
Like I break myself.
I break myself down all the time.
So that like when life comes or like all that other stuff seems like something
I do.
It's fun.
It's great.
But I'm just me.
I'm just a human being.
I'm me in the 10th round when I want to quit and the bell goes off and I know I
have to hit the bag for three more minutes.
You know, like I know who I am.
Like I don't need my career to tell me who I am.
And I have enough fuck you money that I could just sail off into the sunset.
Bye-bye.
Do you think you will?
No.
No.
No.
Wow, I like this.
It's fun.
I thought about it.
I've thought about a bunch of things, doing different things.
If I had multiple lives, I would live a bunch of different lives.
Oh, tell me about one.
I'd be a professional pool player.
That's what I would like to do.
Yeah.
I'd like to go on a tour, play professional pool.
If I just had like a year to really practice, I think I could do it.
It's just, there's no way.
There's no money.
There's no time.
So I just have to like keep that one in my head as a hobby and make sure I don't
get too addicted to it.
You know?
My problem is I get addicted to things and then I just like obsess on them.
And then the weird part of my brain that focuses obsessively on things, it
would just overcome all the rest of my life.
And it would just be this one thing that I think of.
I allow that in bursts.
Like I allow that like when I was getting ready for my comedy special, my live
special, that was my whole life.
I didn't think about anything else other than doing that set.
Like when I go hunting, I don't think about anything else other than getting in
shape, shooting perfect arrows, getting ready to hunt.
I allow myself these brief moments of obsession.
But I have to be careful.
I have to be careful with my brain.
Your brain's fascinating.
I wish I listened to you more.
Like when we were younger, you said stuff that I just was like, that's not
right.
Like what?
It might not be right for you.
No, no, no.
That's the thing.
I wish I had.
I remember one time you're like, you're working too hard.
Your focus should be less famous.
And I was like, what are you talking about?
And now I'm there.
I'm like, oh, I know exactly what you're talking about.
That's why I took the Spotify deal.
I was hoping I would be like 10% less famous.
That was my idea.
I was like, good.
Less people watch Spotify.
Less people listen.
How many people are going to go over there?
Like Jamie kind of freaked out at the beginning because we lost half of our
audience like right away.
He's like, we lost half the crowd.
Like, so what?
Who cares?
Good.
I'll be less famous.
I don't want to be.
I wanted to be famous so bad.
Well, it's because you weren't.
Yeah.
Right?
And so I already was.
So I kind of had a perspective like this isn't what everybody thinks it is.
It's just weird.
You know, like the glory of it.
It's all fake.
Like the people that love you, they don't even know you.
Like it's kind of crazy.
Like the people that love you should be the people that know you.
You know, that's a good thing.
If the people that know you hate you, but the rest of the world loves you, then
you're in an Ellen position.
Right?
You're in this weird position where you're a fake person.
Yeah.
Where everybody thinks you're one thing, but you're actually another thing.
So the people around you don't like you.
And then when the water breaks and everybody starts talking, all the staff
start talking shit about you.
And you realize like, oh, she was a monster, you know?
So I think I had the benefit of having some fame to realize like, oh, this is
not.
Also, I think about things a lot.
I don't just accept things for what they are.
Something's happening.
I'm like, okay, but what is this really?
Yeah.
What is this really?
You did listen a little because I remember the one time I called you when you
were on a motorcycle in Vietnam.
And I was like, bro, you got to quit that job.
And you're like, what?
And I was like, you got to hear a funny comic, man.
You're a funny dude.
You're great on podcasts.
You don't need to do this.
Like the world's changed.
This is holding you back.
Thank God.
Thank God.
You know, it's like I always say like, thank God I had the right people in my
life at the right times.
Because there's so much about like, like, I'll tell you, like, you know, with
the blood clot thing, they said, you know, I never, every time I got sober, it
was always to like, just prove I could get sober for a month, you know?
Right.
And just be like, I'll take a break, get healthy, get good blood work.
I'm back at it.
This is the first time I've ever looked at it like I never looked at how often
I was disrespectful to my health.
Like how often I was like, like getting to the airport and be like drinking at
six in the morning, like, fuck it, you know?
And then I go, and now that I'm flying, I'm forced to fly sober, I get in the
airport and I go, I'll have egg whites.
Egg whites?
You need the yolk.
No, I can't have too much iron when you're on blood thinners.
Oh, God.
This whole fucking thing's a nightmare.
But they said sober for six months.
And then I, and then I had a really interesting conversation with my trainer
and with Leanne over this conversation.
And they were like, you know, what's so funny is they don't see my lifestyle is
partying and everything is disrespectful to my health because I work out,
because I get blood work, because I'm sober for everyone.
They were saying it's disrespectful to people that don't, that just stay online
and scroll and don't live their life.
That's what's disrespectful.
How so?
Like if you're just like, you come home and you lock into video games and you
don't go out and you don't really connect with people and then you wake up and
you scroll for three hours and then you light a cigarette and you go to work
and you come home and you play video games.
You're not living your life.
And they're like, Leanne was saying the other day, she was like, you know, don't,
don't look like, get excited to start drinking again, but make sure that you
can measure that, you know?
Get excited to start drinking again is a wild thing to say.
Oh, I mean, I'm looking forward.
Is it disrespectful to people that are watching you?
No, no, no, no, no.
I meant, I meant, you know, people that aren't living, like people that are
leaving comments and like shitting on girls, skateboarding, going, you should
wear a bra, whore.
Like guys that aren't living their life and not spending their time out with
family and living their life.
So what's disrespectful to them?
I'm lost.
You said it's disrespectful to them?
No, no, they're disrespecting their own life by not living.
Okay.
By not getting in the gym, not going out, not going and having dinner with your
wife.
How is your life, you disrespecting your health, doing anything to them?
No, no, I think I was just two parallels.
Like I was looking at health, thinking in hindsight, like how many times I just,
you know, burn the candle at both ends.
Didn't think like how, how fragile life actually is.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you're very durable, unfortunately.
That's part of the problem is you were able to do that and show no bad health
markers.
Like you were drinking all the time.
You got your blood work done.
Your liver's fine.
You're like, look at this.
That's great.
Like you were, I remember you were super nervous, like when you first started
getting blood work, but then you're like, it turns out it's fine.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You, you have great genetics, you know?
But you think, I think now I go, man, I'm like, my grandfather died at 53.
And I'm 53.
And then you start seeing people die and you're like, shit, man.
Yeah.
Like this blood clot scared the fuck out of me because people die from this.
They die from it.
It's not, it's no joke.
And then you're like, well, fuck, that was just me flying.
Did they make you do a D-dimer test?
No.
I don't know what that is.
So D-dimer test is when they test your body for clots, for microclots.
So apparently a lot of people that have got a ton of boosters, they have microclots.
And this is one of the things, there was a Canadian doctor that was one of the
first guys to get canceled for saying that the vaccine was causing clots.
Because he was one of the first guys that was doing a D-dimer test on all of
his patients.
And he found out that his vaccinated patients, the vast majority of them were
having these microclots all throughout their system.
And it was being caused, in his opinion, by the vaccine.
And boy, eventually his business wound up getting burnt to the ground.
He got, he lost his medical license.
He lost his practice.
It was a crazy story.
And he was right.
He was right.
And now it's pretty mainstream, like that discussion of it.
And, you know, even doctors who used to prescribe boosters don't prescribe them
anymore, which is kind of crazy.
Oh, yeah.
Like at what point in time, like the people that are, that used to say you need
to get your booster.
Well, how come you're not getting boosters anymore?
COVID's still around.
Those people aren't getting boosters.
No one's getting boosters anymore.
None of those people are.
Are they saying that we have a higher antibody rate now?
Like why is COVID not as dangerous today as it was then?
Well, the thing that happens with viruses is they become less potent but more
transmissible.
And that becoming more transmissible allows the virus to spread.
And being less potent means it doesn't kill the host.
So it's actually better for the virus to be more transmissible but less potent.
And that generally happens in time when people develop antibodies and people
develop, you know, like a resistance to it.
So what happens is the virus just becomes easier to transmit but less potent.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's why the variants over time got less and less.
Like the Delta variant was actually pretty strong.
But after that, they started dropping off.
And then Omicron was pretty nothing.
And then they stopped naming them because it really wasn't just a couple
variants.
There's hundreds of them.
They don't even know how many.
And a lot of it is because they vaccinated during a pandemic.
And one of the things that virologists throughout history were always saying is
you never vaccinate during a pandemic.
Because when you vaccinate during a pandemic, you actually encourage variants.
Because the vaccine realizes, especially when you have a leaky vaccine like
COVID.
So what a leaky vaccine is, a vaccine that doesn't stop transmission and doesn't
stop infection.
What it does is it gives you some protection through antibodies.
But that allows you to get the cold.
And then the cold realizes, oh, this guy's got these antibodies.
We'll just work around that.
And then people who had antibodies to the original wild virus, once they got
vaccinated,
this variant would see that they were or wouldn't see, but it would have a
different pathway.
Because their original immunity was to the wild virus.
The original antibodies were to the first virus that doesn't even exist anymore.
So your body didn't recognize these new variants.
So people would get COVID even more easily.
I know I butchered that if you're a virologist.
But there's a guy named Geert Vanderbosch, and he is a vaccine specialist.
He's a virologist.
And he specializes in vaccines.
And he was one of the early people saying, this is madness.
This goes against conventional thinking.
You do not vaccinate during a pandemic.
Jesus.
I'll tell you what.
I've had COVID a bunch.
Nothing was like the swine flu.
Yeah, you told me that.
Remember in 2009, right?
Dude.
You got it bad.
I thought I was going to die.
I've never been that sick in my life.
Shallow breathing.
I mean, it was.
And I had to fly to Mexico because I was doing a gig.
And I was like, I got on the plane.
I always drank on planes, had two drinks.
And I was like, I'm a death's door.
And I fucking, to this day, I've never been that sick in my life.
And I don't know how it didn't kill me.
You never drink when you're sick.
Oh, no shit.
It is the worst.
It's so bad for your immune system to drink when you're sick.
Because you just give your immune system this new thing to fight while it's
already involved in a fight.
I got on the plane with Leanne.
We were flying to Mexico.
And I was like, I'm not that bad.
I remember being cold.
I remember it hit me like a ton of bricks that night.
I was like, I'm getting fucking sick immediately.
Like, it was like, bam.
Back then, you weren't even taking vitamins.
No, I wasn't doing anything.
Yeah, that's the problem.
And this is the other thing, the big problem that I had during the COVID thing.
It's like, I knew people were getting over COVID.
It wasn't killing everybody.
And they were making it out like everybody who was going to get it was going to
die.
Everybody unvaccinated was going to die.
But I knew people that got it and weren't the healthiest people, and they were
fine.
So I'm like, well, what the hell's going on?
Like, what is it?
And how come nobody's talking about vitamins?
Nobody's talking about the impact that vitamins have on your immune system,
which is well documented.
And then if you brought it up, you're a conspiracy theorist.
You're a crazy person.
But everyone listened.
Because you brought up, I'll never forget the day you brought up vitamin D.
Yeah.
And I went to Rite Aid that day to get vitamin D, and it was gone.
I mean, the fuck?
It was like it had been looted.
There was no vitamin D to be found.
And it was like, I think it was like D3 or something.
D3 and K2.
And they were gone.
With magnesium is the move.
D3, K2, and magnesium all together.
Do you know what's so funny?
I have rosacea on my cheeks.
I just got it.
You get it when you're older sometimes.
And the cure is ivermectin.
That's hilarious.
They were like, you should get on ivermectin.
And I was like, I said, you mean horse tranquilizer?
Horse paste.
Horse paste?
Yeah.
Horse dewormer.
Yeah.
Like what CNN called it.
But it's so great.
It was the first thing.
They're like, have you ever heard of ivermectin?
And I was like, I'm friends with Joe Rogan.
Are you kidding me?
Don't put me on CNN.
They'll make me purple.
Yeah.
Well, the crazy thing about that CNN thing is I mentioned a bunch of other
things that
I took.
All of them were very effective.
It wasn't one thing that I mentioned.
I mentioned IV vitamins.
And I took IV NAD, IV vitamins.
And then the big one was monoclonal antibodies.
And monoclonal antibodies, they made it really hard for people to get after
that.
Because people were just saying, oh, I just need to get monoclonal antibodies
and I'm better.
Bro, I shipped monoclonal.
There was, we were using a telemedicine nurse.
And there was a part of a nationwide service that you could send people, a
nurse, and they
would go deliver monoclonal antibodies and IV vitamins.
And the monoclonal, the IV vitamins thing, it always existed.
But the monoclonal antibodies, they added to it once COVID came.
And I can't tell you how many people that I sent nurses to, people that I didn't
even
know, people that were friends of friends, my mom's friend.
And I would say, give me the address, tell me who they are, and I'll send it to
them.
And I paid for all of it.
And I did it to like at least 100 people.
No bullshit.
Really?
At least 100 people.
Yeah.
Actors who were like super liberal.
I didn't out any of them.
They would send me a DM.
Hey, man, I got COVID.
What should I do?
And I said, where are you?
Tell me where you live.
I'm going to have someone sent to you.
And I'd just send someone to them.
And then they'd come back and thank me.
Very few of them ever thanked me publicly.
But a lot of them got the service.
And a lot of people that weren't famous people, just like my friend's mom or my
mom or my uncle
or my cousin, someone got COVID.
They're doing really bad.
I'm like, tell me where they are.
And I did it.
I'm not lying.
I did it to like 100 people.
I spent a lot of money doing it.
How much would something like that cost?
Thousands of dollars.
For real?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I did it for people I didn't know.
I did it for people I had never met.
I did it for people that were famous that I never met.
I just said it was easier to me for just to send them to them.
Leanne was the first person to get COVID in our house.
And I had a joke.
I used to have a joke about it.
She had COVID and she gave me a handjob and I didn't get it.
I was like, that's how intimate our handjobs are.
That's hilarious.
And then she got it and I remember doing, I remember I called you and you were
like, get
her the NAD, you gave me the whole fucking list and we got it.
She got over it right away.
We ended up right away and we're like, cool, we can go skiing.
No, no, no, no.
And then we all got it.
We all got it.
You're not ready yet.
You can't think you're done.
Georgia gave it to me and she goes, I remember we were at the, Georgia gave it
to me and I
remember we're sitting at the dinner table that night at our ski place and she
was like,
started crying.
I go, baby, don't cry.
It's fine.
Listen, it's totally fine.
She was like, you're high risk.
You got to think of it as like, it's over, the bad part's over, but now your
body's in
recovery.
So you can't go skiing or do anything crazy.
I went skiing.
I remember skiing the first day with COVID thinking, you know, it's just me.
The mountain was empty.
I was like, it's just me.
I don't really have it.
I'm fine.
I tested negative.
I remember I tested negative and I was like, I'm just hung over from last night.
And when I got down, I tested again and I tested positive and I already had my
tour bus come
and grab Georgia and Leanne and drive them back to LA.
So it's me and Isla.
And Isla was like, I only got it because I stayed up late one night drinking
and playing
pool till like five o'clock in the morning with my friend, John Shulman.
I remember you telling, I remember you telling me that you're like, it's more,
you said you
were more run down.
That's why you got it.
I was exhausted because my friend, John, he, John.
And he, John Shulman, shout out to John.
He's a, he makes pool cues, like awesome pool cues.
And he lives in Florida.
And I, you know, talked to him back and forth online, but I never hung out with
him.
And then I made an appointment to meet him at a pool hall.
And we met at this pool hall and we played pool till like five o'clock in the
morning, laughing,
having a good time.
And then, um, I got back to the hotel.
I was like really tired.
I was like, boy, I fucked up.
I went so hard.
Like we were out and I had a bunch of margaritas and it was late, you know, it
was late at night.
And then in the morning, I just felt like shit.
I took a hot bath.
I felt like shit.
I had a gig that night.
I did a gig that night.
I did an arena with, uh, Tony Hinchcliffe and Laura Bites.
We did an arena in Florida.
And then I flew back home and on the way home, I was cold.
I was like, God, why am I so cold?
Is this airplane cold?
And then I, when I got home, I told my wife, I'm like, I'm not feeling good.
I go, I might have COVID.
Maybe you should sleep in another room.
Cause she had gotten COVID and gotten over it.
Which by the way, when she had it, I fucked her.
I didn't, I didn't even think about, I was like, I'm trying to get it.
I never got it.
My whole family got it.
But like, I'm always been the one who's like, always, always cold plunging,
always sauna,
always vitamins, always working out.
She works out too, but it's like, she got it, you know, and my kids got it.
And I was home.
I hugged them like, daddy, you're going to get it.
I'm like, I'm getting shit.
I never got it.
I had two days when I worked out where I didn't feel that good.
So when I worked out, I just took it light.
I just, just went through the routine, like nice and easy, not pushing myself.
And then the next day, still don't feel that good.
Nice and easy.
Don't put, and then the third day, I'm like,
I feel pretty fucking good.
And I went pretty hard and I feel great.
And it was done.
I never got COVID.
And then that one time I got it.
And then I didn't get it that bad.
The one day I felt like shit.
I got all the meds.
And then, you know, a couple of days later, I made that video and I put that
video up.
But that was honest.
It was like, I got COVID.
I got all this medicine.
I feel better now.
They didn't like the idea that this healthy person was saying, you could get
over this.
And also a healthy person that's in their 50s was saying, you can get over this
and you don't need this radical experimental medicine that they're trying to
push on people.
And so that's just another example of the mainstream media that's not there for
the news.
Because if they really were there to inform people, they would say, well, what
did he do?
What's different about him?
Because they're fucking compromised.
They're all compromised by the people that pay their advertising budget.
The amount of money that pharmaceutical drug companies spend on mainstream
media is fucking preposterous.
And they don't do it because they're trying to convince people to sell drugs.
They do it specifically because they don't want those media organizations to
criticize any vaccines or any pharmaceutical drugs.
You never hear them talking about there's no mainstream big media stories about
side effects of some sort of new medication.
And if there is, it's because that company is probably about to go under and a
new company is asking them to talk about it.
It makes me I mean, I've always said people think I'm a fucking idiot, but I
don't trust sleep apnea machines.
Well, sleep apnea machines work.
I know, but I think they overdiagnose sleep apnea machines because there's a
kickback.
There's got to be a kickback.
Well, there probably is.
There's a, you know, look, sleep apnea is a real thing and it's really fucking
dangerous.
But is it, is it as, I mean.
People die.
Everyone's got it.
Well, not everyone has it.
A lot of people snore, but there's ways around.
There's mouthpieces you can use to keep your tongue from closing your windpipe.
You know what I do?
I put a mouthpiece, I put a mouthpiece in and then I use mouth tape.
I've been using mouth tape.
You know, like, you know, you know, a hostage tape.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I use that stuff.
I put it over my mouth and I sleep and I breathe through my nose and I feel so
much better when
I wake up.
I mean, significantly better with less sleep.
Like, if I have five hours sleep with hostage tape, I feel better than if I
have eight hours
sleep without it.
Really?
100%.
See, I feel different.
I don't know why.
I'm sure.
Okay.
Let's find out.
What is the science behind breathing through your nose while you sleep?
Why is it better?
Like, what is the science behind it?
I don't know what the science is, but I know that a bunch of health experts,
they recommended
it to me.
It's like, take my mouth shut.
That sounds so stupid.
Yeah.
I did it.
And then the first night I did it, I woke up and I'm like, whoa, I feel great.
Like, I feel significantly better.
And now I do it every night.
So I put a mouthpiece in and then I put the hostage tape over my mouth.
So the mouthpiece just holds your tongue in place?
Exactly.
Because I have a big tongue.
I have a big tongue and I have a big neck.
The problem is when you have big neck muscles, like football players, a lot of
them, most of
them have sleep apnea because all those muscles that constrict the walls of
your throat.
So like, there's all this tissue that didn't exist before.
And then you have this fat tongue, so I can't sleep on my back.
If I sleep on my back, it's like.
That's me.
Yeah.
Okay.
Breathing through the nose during sleep offers key health advantages over mouth
breathing.
It filters and conditions air for better lung efficiency and promotes deeper
rest.
Nasal passages filter dust, allergens, and pollutants while warming and humidifying
air,
protecting the airwaves from irritation.
This reduces dryness in the mouth and throat common with mouth breathing.
I got that.
I wake up, my mouth's so dry.
My tongue's like a finger.
Reduce snoring and sleep apnea risk.
Nose breathing keeps the tongue positioned correctly against the palate and jaw
forward,
maintaining an open airway that minimize snoring and sleep apnea episodes.
Mouth breathing allows the tongue to fall back, obstructing airflow, which
definitely happens
to me.
Improved oxygenation and relaxation.
It boosts nitric oxide production for better oxygen uptake and blood flow,
supporting deeper
sleep cycles and parasympathetic nervous system activation for relaxation.
This leads to fewer awakenings and higher sleep quality.
Look, for me, I know for a fact it helps for a fact.
For my personal feeling when I wake up in the morning and I take my mouth shut,
I feel way
better.
Really?
I snore like crazy, but I don't notice it.
The only problem is you have a beard, so the tape will slip off with a beard.
Maybe I'll just get denture cream and put it on my lips.
You ever do that?
We used to do that, people, when they were sleeping.
Squeeze your lips together?
How do you open them then?
Oh, you can't.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
When people would pass out in an opportunity house, we'd put denture cream on
their lips.
Oh, boy.
And then they'd wake up like, mm, mm, mm.
That's fucking terrifying.
Terrible.
That's terrible.
Don't do that.
I'm still kind of stuck.
I'm still stuck on this concept that with corporate money, we lose not as much
freedom
of speech, as freedom of opinion.
Well, you lose objective reality from people that are supposed to be giving you
information,
right?
So they're not giving you reality.
What they're giving you is a filtered narrative that has been promoted by major
corporations
that have a vested interest in profiting off of this narrative being pushed
forward.
Like, if you don't get the vaccine, you're going to die, right?
Yeah.
That was a big one.
And that was why they attacked me.
Why they attacked me was because, like, I showed that there's something
different.
Like, oh, look at this healthy guy who's in his 50s that's really obsessed with
health,
works out every day, and look how quick he got over COVID.
This isn't this thing that we're pretending it is.
We're pretending it's a plague, and it's not.
It's like a bad flu.
And, again, for me, it was like, and look, I've done this, like I said, I did
it for a
lot of people, but just IV vitamins.
I've sent people to people.
I did it for Bill Burr.
Bill Burr was here, and he was sick, and he was coughing.
And this is, like, long after the pandemic.
It's like 2024.
And he was doing a show, and I came to visit him.
He's like, I can't get over this cold.
I go, listen to me.
I go, I'm going to give you this number.
I'm going to give you these people.
You're going to get a hold of them and schedule an IV mega-dose vitamin drip.
You want high doses of vitamin B.
You want high doses of D.
You want high doses of C and zinc.
You want all those things together, and I guarantee you, you're going to be
fine.
So he was sick for weeks.
He couldn't get over this fucking cough.
He calls me, like, a day later.
He goes, dude, I can't fucking believe how good I feel.
He goes, Dr. Joe Rogan, I'm calling you every time I have a problem with this
again.
And look, I did the same thing for Dana White.
When Dana White had COVID, he threw some eucalyptus on the rocks in his sauna,
and he couldn't smell it.
And he goes, oh, my God, I got COVID.
He goes, the first thing I did is call Joe Rogan.
He called me up, and I said, I'll set you up.
We're going to get you monoclonal antibodies.
We're going to get you this.
We're going to get you that.
Boom.
One day later, he's better.
That's the reality.
It's like your body needs tools to let your immune system function at its
optimum.
And one of the best tools is nutrients.
Vitamin D is amazing for your immune system.
And it's not just a vitamin.
It's a hormone.
And it's a hormone that we don't get because we're not in the sun enough.
The best way to get vitamin D is sunlight.
The second best way is supplementation.
And it's really easy.
He just takes vitamin D supplements.
He takes it with K2, which makes it absorb better.
And I take it also, again, with magnesium.
And do that.
And I also took zinc with, what is this stuff called?
It's an ionophore.
Quercetin.
So I take zinc with quercetin, quercetin aids in the zinc absorption in your
body.
I take all these different things.
But I also, I'm on the ball.
I know what I'm doing.
But they didn't say that.
They said he's taking horse dewormer because they were trying to shame me.
And they were trying to make it look like I was a fool.
And they were trying to turn all these people that were terrified about dying
from this plague against me.
Is that what's happening?
I mean, I'm a little obsessed lately, you know, at like the money behind
podcasting and podcasting kind of changing, you know?
Like podcasting has gotten a little more corporate where I feel.
I don't know if you see it.
In what way?
Well, it's like, I mean, I looked at the Golden Globes and who was nominated.
And those were all, I mean, I think they're all, you know, corporate podcasts.
Yeah, let me help with that.
So here's the thing.
A lot of people say, why wasn't Joe Rogan nominated for the Golden Globes?
And like, why did, you know, Amy Poehler went.
I didn't submit.
So they asked me to submit to be nominated for the Golden Globes and you had to
pay $500.
And the $500 is like for paperwork or whatever.
I said, no, I don't care.
I already won.
Like, you can't tell me I didn't win.
I've been number one for six years in a row.
All of a sudden, you're going to have a contest in front of all these people
wearing tuxedos.
And you're going to say, now I'm not number one.
Like, fuck off.
You can't.
Like, I don't care that I'm number one, but I am, in fact, number one.
So if all of a sudden you have a contest to decide who's really number one
amongst us, like, that's amongst you.
You're allowed to have your opinion.
You like Amy Poehler better than me.
That's great.
Oh, that's so fucking funny, Joe.
Do you know how many people have been, like, ride or die for you?
Like, the fact that Joe Rogan didn't win.
The fact that, and I've heard that so much, it's so funny you just didn't
submit.
Yeah, they asked me to.
Yeah, it was, like, one of, like, six candidates.
They took the top people.
They basically just took the top people to charts.
But which, you know, it's fine.
First of all, Amy Poehler's podcast is pretty good.
I haven't seen it.
It's pretty good.
I'm sure it's good.
It won.
I'm sure someone must love it.
It's really good.
If it sucked, they would give it to someone else, right?
Dax is really good.
Like, there's some great podcasts out there.
I don't know who was even nominated.
I don't even know who was in.
I just know that Amy Poehler won and a lot of people were upset.
She's had a podcast for six months and she won.
Great.
You gave it to a famous person.
Which, you know, in that world, that's what they do.
They give it to a person that, like, is going to, look, you give it to Amy Poehler
amongst their circles.
It's not going to have any criticism.
Look, there's a lot of really good fucking podcasts.
There's some great ones.
I don't know if amongst her group, if I listened to all of them, I would decide
that hers is number one.
But I just know that I didn't submit.
I don't want to be a part of that.
I don't care.
You're just a group of people that just decide all of a sudden that you're
going to give an award out.
You got a trophy?
Fuck off.
Dude, this, okay.
Like, so when we did the show and everyone's like, are you looking for a season
two?
And obviously that would be great.
But you know what I said to Leanne the day after it came out?
I said, I think I already won.
I think I, like, I got everything I wanted.
I did something I'm proud of.
And people responding to it, people like, the texts I get are people that will
never promote it on their social media.
Ron White loves it.
Ron.
Loved it.
When Ron came in last night, and the first thing he said to me was, I watched
your show.
I watched every fucking episode.
Yeah, he binged it.
He binged it with his girlfriend.
I was like, Joe, you know how I feel about Ron.
I'll get emotional.
He's like, my God.
And Ron's not a bullshit artist.
He's not.
If Ron loved it, he loved it.
And he came in and he was ranting and raving about it.
That's all you need.
Just do your best.
All these awards and all this shit.
Awards for art are crazy.
It's insane because it's not, it shouldn't be a competition.
Well, it's also so subjective.
There is music that, like, my daughter loves.
It is her favorite music.
But she's a 15-year-old girl.
I can't say it sucks because it doesn't suck.
It's just not for me.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
It's like, that's why awards for art are crazy.
Like, this is the best.
Like, to who?
To a group of fucking people that we deem the gatekeepers of all that's
appropriate?
So when did you come, because, you know, I'm always fascinated by you.
Did you care about ratings when you were on news radio?
Oh, no.
Well, the news radio thing was hilarious.
Because that's one that I can say, for people that haven't watched it, I would
say, binge
that show.
It was such an amazing piece of art, we would say.
But always, and respectfully, always in the losing category.
Like, never.
Always.
Always in the losing category.
My friend Lou, he was one of the writers on news radio.
And he would show up for the table read with a t-shirt that had the number of
our rating
on it.
And one day he showed up and the number was 88.
And I was like, 88?
He's like, I'm like, fuck.
I was like, God, because we got moved nine times over the course of five years.
Like, I remember, like, one of the things that, just like social media poisons
people, back
then it was Variety and the Hollywood Reporter.
So all of the cast would be sitting around reading Variety about how good Sex
and the City
was doing and the single guy.
And, you know, because they would sandwich them in between Friends and Seinfeld.
And, you know, Paul Sims, the producer of news radio, would call it a shit
sandwich.
Because you would have these two really good shows in between these shows that
were not
that good.
They would call it Caroline and the shitty.
And like, everybody was upset.
And so they would read these things in Variety.
They'd look at the ratings and they'd get all upset and start getting pissed
off.
And that show sucks.
Why is that show doing so well?
Why aren't we on Thursday night?
And I remember saying, last time I checked, I'm on TV.
I go, do you know, we're on a TV show.
Do you know how few people get to be on a sitcom?
I go, yeah, we're not number one.
Well, good.
Then no one knows who we are and we get to be on TV.
And we get to have fun.
And some people enjoy it.
We're making so much money.
Like, how can you be upset?
We could not be on TV.
Like, yeah, we're not number one.
Yeah, we have a really good show that's not being recognized.
It eventually was recognized when it went to syndication.
So news radio really only got popular in syndication.
Oh, when it was on A&E, buddy, I don't think I've ever enjoyed a TV show.
Out of every TV show I've ever watched, and I was late to friends.
Look, it was no Game of Thrones, or even Queen of Dragons, whatever the fuck.
The other one, House of Dragons.
Yeah.
That's a pretty good show, too.
But when I discovered news radio, I was like, you guys had every character.
Like, it was not just one character.
It was five different.
Are we back?
Yeah.
We're back.
Okay.
We've been having this problem where we crash, like, a couple hours into a
podcast.
But it was such, it was five personalities, six personalities, all working in
union at different speeds.
It was really good writing.
It was such a fucking great show.
Well, Paul Sims came from the Larry Sanders show, so he was really good, you
know, and he was just a brilliant guy.
And the writers were amazing, and the cast was amazing.
But it was the perfect scenario.
So we went through it without everyone getting famous.
We put together a great show, and then we fucking sailed off into the sunset.
It was perfect for me, because I never wanted to do it again once it was over.
For real?
Yeah.
I mean, I took a few development deals afterwards just because I wanted the
money.
And I thought, maybe I'll make my own show, and it'll be good.
But, ugh, working with these writers and, like, some of these writing teams was
really interesting.
Writing teams are generally one brilliant guy, and then the other guy who
writes things down.
And then they both get deals.
And then I would wind up with the guy who wrote things down.
So I got one of these writers who was a writing team on Seinfeld, and the team
broke up.
And then I got this guy, and he wrote this fucking script that was so bad.
It was so bad.
I couldn't believe how bad it was.
I was like, and then they were trying to pretend they were excited about it.
I go, did you read it?
I go, this is fucking terrible.
Because the problem was I had come from news radio, which was a really good
show.
And most of these shows are terrible.
And most of the guys that I knew that were doing terrible sitcoms were living
in hell.
Because they were doing these, like, corny-ass, and all they wanted to do is,
like, figure out a way to make themselves feel better.
So they spend money or they party.
And that's what they were doing.
They were all just partying and spending money and not enjoying their work.
Their work was terrible.
It was hell.
So I kind of realized early on that this trap of, like, chasing the number one
ratings and all that shit, it was just stupid.
It was just nonsense.
And then, you know, Fear Factor was number one for a while, I think.
I think it was.
It was hugely popular, whatever it was.
And that was weird, too.
It was like, well, that's also strange.
That was a game changer.
People want to talk about it.
It was just, like, this thing that was everywhere.
It was very strange.
This is how you can tell how big a show is.
Tell me if I'm wrong.
I can remember what night it aired.
On Monday nights?
Fear Factor?
Was it Monday nights?
I don't remember.
I think it was Monday.
I don't remember.
I remember The Fresh Prince of Bel Air was Monday nights.
I remember Seinfeld was Thursdays, right?
Yeah.
That's the thing about TV now, which is so bizarre, is, like, when I pitched
this show, have you seen Slow Horses?
Yes.
I love it.
I love it.
So when I went to Netflix, they were like, we want to do a show with you.
I was like, great.
And they're like, what's the show?
I said, it's my family.
It's, I'm Bert Kreischer, Georgia and Isla, Leigh-Anne.
I'm a comedian.
I'm me.
Everything's the same.
Nothing changes.
I don't have a job.
I'm this guy.
Right.
And they're like, okay.
I go, but it meets Slow Horses.
And they're like, what the fuck are you talking about?
I said, all I can tell you is, I don't want to do episodic.
I want Slow Horses.
I said, when I watched Slow Horses, and this is why Ron's compliment was so
kind, because
I created the show so that me, Jared, and Andy, I should include them.
Explain Slow Horses.
Slow Horses is Gary Oldman.
It is a spy thriller.
They're a group of, like, low-grade spies that all kind of got put into an
office off to
the side, but they don't realize how important their office still is.
They're still very ingrained in all the shit that the big office is doing, but
they're
the B team.
And so the big office is constantly fucking with the little office.
So how is your show like Slow Horses?
The day I watched Slow Horses, I watched Slow Horses the week before I went in
for this
meeting, and I watched the first episode of Slow Horses, and at the very end of
that first
episode, I hit pause.
I looked at Leanne.
I said, we're watching every fucking episode until it's over.
Right now.
We're not moving.
We're going to watch all of them.
And I did that with that and Black Doves, and I said to Netflix, I said, I want
to make
this where that first episode, it's not episodic.
The Chrysler's got a horse.
The Chrysler's got a dog.
It all goes together.
I go the first episode at that last line I say, the very last line of that
first episode,
I want you to look at the person you're with and go, I'm watching all fucking
six.
And so it's an arc.
It's a six story arc.
It's basically a two hour and 30 minute movie that you can stop at any point.
And the compliment I've been getting is the one Ron gave me.
It's like, I binged it.
I watched all of it.
That's great.
That's a smart move for a comedy to do it like that.
Like it's one big story.
Yeah.
That last.
Black Doves is great too.
Black Doves.
Great.
Dude, Black Doves.
When we did the premiere in LA, Netflix came up to me and shout out to Netflix.
And they were like, you know, when you pitch this, we had no idea what you were
fucking
selling us.
Like when you said Black Doves and Slow Horses, like those were your comps.
And then they were like, we watched that first episode and they're like, you
fucking did it.
Like you made a show where at that very end of that first episode, at that
moment, and
the very beginning of the second episode, I have a joke about you, but I
thought I'd throw
one in.
You gave me a little love in your special.
I gave you a little love back.
And so at the very end of that first episode, I wanted it so that you go, oh,
this guy's
fucked.
I got to see how he gets out of this.
And that's the compliment I've been getting from people is that they watched
all of them.
They binged it.
And that's like, I was like, because you know, you try to do something a little
different.
And, and that's why when you said that you didn't submit, I fucking connected
so hard.
So I was like, I, I didn't, I don't need it to be, it's not going to be the
number one
show on Netflix.
It's never going to be the greatest show they ever made.
There's too many good shows, but the fact that people have liked it.
I go, I think I won.
I think I got the thing I wanted.
Yeah.
It was just like, I got it.
I got a tech.
I got a text.
I got, I'm going to share this.
And I apologize, Luke, if this sounds weird, Luke Combs texted me last night.
Now he's not like a, he's, he's not a social media guy.
He just texted me.
He's like, dude, I just watched your entire show.
Luke Combs.
And I'm like, he's cool as fuck.
He's cool.
I've hung out with that dude a few times.
As fuck.
And he's understated.
He's the guy.
He's fascinating to me because he's the guy.
We just did a podcast.
He's the guy that he goes into the room and he's not going to talk to anyone
because he doesn't
want to bother you.
He's one of the biggest stars in country music.
He's one of the most talented guys.
He's humble.
And he's very humble.
And he's like, I did the CMAs and I saw him and he just, he stays to himself.
He doesn't.
And I was like, wow, what a slick dude.
And he's like, no, I'm not trying to be slick.
I just don't want to bother anybody.
And so when Luke Combs texted me last night, I fucking, I texted Leanne.
I was like, can you believe, like, that's not the guy you think.
Right.
It's a real compliment.
Yeah.
Not from like a cheesy ass kisser.
It's a real dude.
He really, you know, he's not lying.
Right, right.
He really liked it.
The first person to text was Chris DiStefano.
And that's a real one.
He's like, dude, you're, you're a good actor.
This is a great series.
That was the very first text I got.
And I was like, comics don't have to text.
They don't.
We don't.
Like, like, I texted Shane when I saw Tires.
It's fucking, it was game changer.
I was like, this is fucking incredible, whatever.
But when a comic text, you're like, that's okay.
Like, I didn't, I didn't expect you to watch it.
But Luke Combs fucking floored me.
Luke Combs and Bradley Cooper was another one.
That's awesome.
Just do something that you enjoy and do your best at it.
This idea of awards.
Yeah.
Like, fuck off.
Fuck off with your awards.
Like, that, it's like, there's so many moments in,
in history have been defined by these, like, goofy ass awards.
Yeah.
Like, what?
What is that?
The only thing that's good is it, like, if something wins an Academy Award for
best movie, I go, ooh, maybe I'll see it.
Like, occasionally.
But you know what's better than that?
One of my friends saying it's great.
Dude.
And then, or someone posting it on social media, like, oh, this fucking,
someone that I respect on social media posting it and saying, hey, you need to
watch this.
This is amazing.
Great.
Do you ever see the movie, American Movie?
What is that?
It's about the two guys in Wisconsin trying to make a horror film called Coven.
God, I think I did.
Is it a long time ago?
A long time ago.
Documentary.
And there one guy's done way too much acid.
Yeah.
And it's just, it's like one of those movies where someone says to you, you
have to see this.
And it's never going to win an award.
Probably made no money.
But it is the most fascinating.
Okay, Jamie, can you pull the trailer up for that?
If you see this, you'll go, I saw it.
Okay.
It's the American Movie.
Mike, oh, what was the other guy's?
Oh, this is so good, Joe.
Imagine a world where passion and perseverance outweigh polish and dreams are
both the driving force and the destination.
What if I told you this world exists, not in some far-flung fantasy, but here
in the heartland of America?
This world is seen through the lens of an unsung documentary where we meet Mark
Boshart.
This is the trailer.
An unyielding filmmaker from Wisconsin.
That's okay.
Have you seen it?
No, I didn't see it.
Joe, this movie is so good.
But it's one of those things that it's like when you find something that you
just fall in love with.
Yeah.
Like that you can't explain to someone, like Vernon, Florida.
Have you ever seen Vernon, Florida?
No.
It's a documentary by Werner Herzog about, it was trying to, him and another
guy, another guy did it.
He was trying to do a documentary called Nub City, right?
It was about this place in Florida where a lot of people had lost limbs and
were collecting insurance money.
And he went in to do a documentary about that and he got his life threatened,
but he had all this footage.
So I think Werner Herzog came in and dumped a little money in it and he just
made the bizarrest documentary about a guy talking about turkey hunting and
another guy talking about, like it's like four different personalities, Joe.
It's on YouTube.
You can find it.
Werner Herzog does some amazing shit.
This thing, Joe, is like something you start watching and you go like, I can't
turn it off.
I mean he did Grizzly Man, he did a fucking, what is that other one, the one
about the cave paintings in France.
He did.
It was made by Errol Morris.
Errol Morris.
Oh, it wasn't Werner Herzog?
No, no.
I was trying to highlight on there.
It says it's an Errol Morris film.
Oh, so it's not Werner Herzog.
No, Werner Herzog backed it.
He was the one that paid for it.
Oh, I see, I see, I see.
He produced it.
He was also, Werner Herzog was a part of that movie Happy People.
You ever see that?
No, it's not.
Oh my God, it's about these people that live in Siberia.
These guys that live in a small village in Siberia and they're just fishermen
and trappers and hunters and they basically just live off the land and they're
so happy.
There's like no mental illness.
Everybody works really hard.
It's freezing cold at night.
They're always drinking and everyone's happy.
And it's called Happy People, Life in the Taiga.
It's a great documentary because it just shows you that without struggle, you
will create struggle.
And when you have struggle all the time, like physical struggle, people seem to
be satisfied
and happy, especially when they're living off the land, living like a subsistence
lifestyle.
They're out in the forest.
They're catching fish.
And it's a great documentary.
It's really interesting.
Did you feel it?
Because I remember we went to a birthday party at your house and your wife
introduced my girls
and Leanne to chickens.
And Leanne and the girls immediately got chickens.
Chickens are awesome.
The happiest my family was, out of all the times we've been happy, was when
they had a garden and they were raising chickens.
Yeah, it's good for you, man.
And then that extra, like, did you guys clean out the chicken coop?
You need to clean it?
Like that little...
Yeah, work.
Yeah.
Work's good for you.
Yeah.
Especially work that pays off.
Like you actually get eggs and you have to eat those eggs.
Those eggs.
And that's like the most karma-free food that you'll ever get because they're
your pets.
Like you treat them well.
You feed them.
You're like, hey, girls.
I see them.
I talk to them.
They're like, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark.
I lift rocks for them so they go under the rocks and pick out bugs and worms
and shit.
And they come near you.
They, like, waddle over to you and you, like, get, you ready?
You're ready?
And pick up the rock and they immediately go in there and try to get the worms
and bugs and shit.
And then you get these delicious, healthy eggs.
Best eggs I've ever had in my entire life.
Yellow.
Mm-hmm.
Yellow.
Double.
I remember getting...
Orange.
Do you remember double yolks?
Mm-hmm.
You get double yolks.
Oh, fuck off.
But you know exactly how they're raised.
There's no cruelty involved.
You know how they're fed.
They lay an egg every day.
That egg is never going to become a chicken.
You never...
Like, that's what I tell to all my friends that are, like, vegetarians that are
doing it for...
Like, they're just kind people.
They don't want an animal to die.
I'm like, you don't have to kill an animal.
Just eat eggs.
Eggs have all the nutrients you need.
Eat the yolk.
Eat the whole thing.
And you'll be super healthy.
Like, you can get all the animal protein that you need from eggs and you don't
ever have to worry about an animal dying.
So, wait, do you think then when you talk about...
What was that?
Happy City is it called?
Happy People.
Happy People.
Do you think your connection then to crushing it in the gym and killing it in
the gym is directly connected to that struggle?
Because, like, the happiest I ever am is the second my workout's done.
Yeah.
And I lay back and I just sweat.
Yeah.
You did it.
Oh.
Yeah, you did it.
I think in order for your body to survive, like when we were hunter-gatherers,
you had to do a bunch of work.
So, I think there's human reward systems that are built in us that if you don't
meet those requirements, your body gets anxious.
And the most anxiety-ridden, fucked up mentally ill people I know are these
lazy slobs that are online all day complaining about people.
Yes.
Especially comics.
I know so many comics that they spend a giant chunk of their day shitting on
other comics and they're all fat and lazy.
And what is that?
Well, it's because they're not healthy.
They're not mentally healthy, physically healthy.
Trust me a lot.
And so, they're completely obsessed with other things, external things.
You know, when we did that Sober October Challenge, Tommy said it best because
he was like, dude, when you work out, when we're all competing against each
other to see who get the highest fitness scores, Tommy said it best.
Like, when you work out all day, it kills all that internal chatter.
Like, you don't worry about things anymore.
Oh, that what about this?
What about that?
That what about this?
What about that shit?
Is your mind thinking there's threats out there in the world because there used
to be.
Because you're programmed to think about, like, what's out there?
What's coming for me?
Is there a neighboring tribe that's coming over the top of the hill?
Where am I going to get my food?
There's all that stuff's built in as a human reward system.
If you don't meet that human reward system, you're just doom scrolling on
TikTok and Twitter all day and shitting on people going, fuck Whitney Cummings
and Miss Rachel.
There are just mentally ill slobs, all of them, and their opinion should be
dismissed.
That's why the idea of awards is so ridiculous.
Who are these people that are giving you awards?
They're all unhealthy people for the most part.
They're all weirdos that are caught up in this fucking bizarre, strange
industry that rewards groupthink.
Like, fuck off.
Yeah.
That's probably the happiest my mind was.
When we had the year we had the straps.
Remember we had that?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And we were a member of that Kansas City workout club or something.
Yeah, we had to be kind of, yeah, the MyZone.
The MyZone fitness straps.
And I remember, I mean, I, you know, like you have memories in your head where
you, like you drive by a place and you go, God, I remember that.
And it was one night I said I was going to run a marathon.
And you're like, I'll match it.
I remember we were all texting.
And I remember getting up at, like, it was like, put the girls to bed.
It's 9 o'clock at night.
And I go, I'm going to run until midnight.
And I had just this one fucking mile loop.
And I ran eight miles that night.
And I just kept running.
And I cannot run down fucking Colfax.
I can't drive down Colfax without thinking of me just going, one more lap.
Just one more lap.
Those were fucking.
Wearing yourself out is good for your brain, man.
It is really good for your brain.
I don't think we should do that again because the problem with that is that lit
up that weird part of my brain, that obsessive part of my brain.
And my wife asked me never to do that again because I was, like, super serious.
I got, like, really into it.
And it just became an obsession.
It's a dangerous part of my own brain that I can't entertain too much because I
think that's the part of my brain that was formulated in my competition days.
Where it was, like, my thought was, you know, like, I would go to the, because
I had keys to the school.
So I'd go and train at 2 o'clock in the morning because I knew nobody else was.
I knew everybody else was asleep.
So I'd go there.
I'd drive there by myself and unlock the doors and start training at 2 o'clock
in the morning because I knew everybody was asleep.
That made me feel better, like, bitch, while you're sleeping, I'm in here, you
know?
Where did you put that competitiveness?
Because I shelved my competitiveness.
I don't have it in comedy.
I have a competitiveness with the industry that I felt ignored me at times.
Like, I want to prove things.
Like, I did fully loaded because I never got on Oddball.
And so I created that festival.
I remember I was with, we were at the Forest Hills Arena or whatever, the
outdoor stadium.
Someone's like, wow, this is crazy.
Can you believe you did this?
And I went, yeah.
And they're like, what made you want to do this?
I go, because no one would ever invite me.
And then they were like, wow, that was more of an answer than we expected.
But, like, and so there's a competitiveness with me internally.
But I was very competitive as an athlete.
Like, unhealthy.
And it was gross.
How was it gross?
Like, what sports?
Anything I did.
Anything I did.
Well, I think that's Michael Jordan, right?
When you're talking about Michael Jordan, he was the most unhealthy.
Michael Jordan and Kelly Slater.
The two ones, Tiger Woods, that I hear about and I identify with the way their
brain works
where I go, oh, I have that grossness where I create scenarios in my head to go,
that's
it.
I'm going to fucking, I'd build up a rivalry with, I have a guy that I think
about to this
day who played baseball at Tampa Catholic.
His name was Israel.
And I had a competitive name.
The guy didn't even know who the fuck I am.
He never knew me.
He was a pitcher.
And I fucking, and I apologize, Israel, if you're hearing this right now.
We were 16 and I had a competitiveness in my head.
And my goal was to hit him, to hit a line drive right back in, and he was a
pitcher.
And he threw inside.
And I crushed one off his kneecap.
And they pulled him out of the game.
And I stood on first base.
And I was like, that's how it goes.
Israel's 53 years old right now.
That was your drive?
It was my fucking drive.
Your drive is to hit him with a line drive?
That's crazy.
That was so competitive.
And so, and when I got into stand-up, maybe because I just, I saw that so many
people were
so far beyond me that I was like, well, I'm not playing their game, I guess.
So I'm not, I never had a competitiveness in stand-up.
Well, you can't.
But you can, listen, you could, there's a good place for competitiveness.
I mean, I'm competitive, no doubt.
But I don't think about it in terms of like art.
Yeah.
I think my competition with either stand-up or with podcasting is to be the
best I can be,
to do the best job I can.
Like if I have a guy on and he wants to talk about some science stuff or
something like esoteric,
I have to read his book or listen to the audio book.
I have to read articles.
I have to get in.
I have to do my best.
This guy's going to fly in here from Europe or whatever it is.
I have to be ready and I have to be intrigued.
And the only reason why I have on the podcast in the first place is because I'm
interested in it.
So my thing is just do the best that I can.
And the way that I could do it the best I can is only talk to people that I
want to talk to.
Only reach out to people that I'm actually interested in.
Only accept invitations to someone that ignites my curiosity.
And just only do it that way.
Never say, oh, this person would be great because they're famous.
Like that's one of the things you see about some of these podcasts that are
doing well.
All of their guests are famous, right?
Which is like a built-in cheat code.
Like, let's see what this guy...
And I have famous people on all the time.
If I think they're interesting, if I want to talk to them.
John Melkamp.
But I pass on a lot of famous people because I'm not interested in them.
Or because they were like really heavily pushing the vaccine during the
pandemic.
I'm like, fuck you forever.
Fuck you.
There's a few people that have tried to get on.
I'm like, no, I would have...
Before the pandemic, I would have been happy to have you on.
But now I'm like, fuck you forever.
Who knows how many people you caused to have heart attacks?
Who knows how many people you tricked into getting that and they had a stroke?
Who knows?
Who knows?
And they didn't need it.
Especially the people that already got COVID.
You didn't know what you were talking about and you just bootlicked.
You bootlicked for the fucking...
For the man.
Like, fuck you.
Like, that's it.
But other than that, everybody else, it's like, who is it?
What do they want to talk about?
So I just do my best.
You know, I'm competitive when it comes to playing pool.
But really, the pool, you're playing against yourself.
You're playing another person and the other person is...
But when you're playing, nobody can block you.
Nobody gets in front of you.
You're just trying to do your best.
So it's all against you.
All the competition is against you.
Which is why I like to work out by myself.
I'm playing against me.
You know?
It's me.
It's like, whatever my inside little inner bitch is, I'm trying to squash that
motherfucker down,
beat his ass again, and then he's back again tomorrow.
Every time I lift the fucking lid on that cold punch, my inner bitch is like,
don't do it.
You don't have to do this.
You could not do it and we'll be fine.
Like the other day, it was 22 degrees outside.
And I had to break the ice off of the top of the thing because it was like
covered in ice.
I had to break the ice off because I could barely lift the lid off the fucking
thing.
So I had to knock off all the ice and then pick it up and climb on in.
I'm like, fuck you.
And it's like, it's fuck you to the inner bitch.
Dude, it's like when you said, like I remember doing an interview with a guy
when he was getting
like, I got a Netflix special coming out.
I'm going to go out on the road for the next couple of weeks.
And I was like, couple of weeks.
Couple of weeks.
Couple of weeks.
I'm gone.
I don't, I'm not home for one month.
I'm the one month out.
I'm in my bus every night doing a standup.
But 18 months out, I'm like obsessive.
Yeah.
I've got, I'm not shooting my next one until 2027.
And I'm obsessive today.
Last night I was like, I tried all my new shit.
I was like, I got to find out if real people laughed at this, you know, like my
fans, my
fans, I think my fans are, are willing to give me an inch, you know?
Well, they also know you, they know your story and all the references.
Yeah.
But, but what's crazy to me is like, we were me and you not, I can't speak for
the younger
comics, but we were in a time at standup when competitiveness was the norm.
It was because of TV though, dude, that was what it was.
It was like everybody thought they were competing for a very small amount of
slots.
And then what happened was the internet came along and we realized that no, in
fact, we're
actually an asset to each other because we do each other's podcasts.
We hang out with each other, which makes each other better when we're all on a
show together
and you're killing and Tom's killing and Ari's killing.
The more people are killing, the more we're going to do better because we're
going to get
excited about it and we'll be inspired.
And so we became valuable to each other instead of competitive against each
other.
And if there was any competition that you were having with your friends, it was
actually
healthy competition because it just made you try harder.
Like if you saw, if Ari went up and did like, when Ari did his Jew special,
which was fucking
incredible, that special was so good.
It made so many people get inspired to work on a theme and write and like
really try to develop
something.
Like look at what he did.
He just like put together this fucking incredible special.
Like it was really fucking good.
And that kind of competition is healthy competition.
It's inspirational.
Instead of like saying, I hope that guy gets hit by a bus.
Fuck him.
All these slobs that are on Twitter and they're talking shit about comedians
and are angry about
comedians.
They have one thing in common.
They're almost all failures.
They're either failures or they're extremely mediocre.
They're in the middle of like mediocrity that no one's, no one's got them as
their favorite
comedian.
No one's got them as their favorite podcaster.
No one's got them as anything.
They just don't do that well.
So what do they do?
They're attacking people.
So their competitiveness is a very unhealthy competitiveness.
If their competitiveness was healthy, they would say, well, what is it about
this person
where she's getting all these comedy specials and she's in front of all these
roasts?
Why is Nikki Glaser doing so well?
And I'm not instead of hating on Nikki Glaser, you know, but that's not.
That's not what like a narcissist does.
Well, what about me?
How come I'm not getting there?
And so she doesn't talk about sucking cock, that fucking bitch.
And then they get all fucking angry and they start talking shit about her.
Meanwhile, she still kills it.
She's still on the road.
She's still selling out.
She's still getting out there.
Everybody screams and cheers.
Why?
Because she put in the work.
And if you put in the work and if you looked at yourself and you objectively
analyzed what you're
doing and said, why is this going well?
Why is this not going well?
And worked harder, you would be where she is.
But you're not.
So what are you doing?
You're on Twitter every day for 12 hours like a fucking mental patient just shitting
on people
and getting in arguments and saying mean things.
Like you're going to just, it's crabs in a bucket.
You're just trying to pull people down that are doing better than you.
Where are you going?
Get back down here.
That's all it is.
Yeah.
It's unhealthy.
That's why you can't read that stuff because you absorb the atmosphere of the
people that
you surround yourself with.
And like it or not, when you're interacting with people on social media, you
are surrounding
yourself with their thoughts.
You know, and they're unhealthy people that you would never hang out with in
real life.
And if you did, if you said, well, why do you think that way?
And then they would say something like, that doesn't make any sense.
This is why that doesn't make any sense.
And then they would run away and go talk shit about you on social media because
they're cowards.
So you can't live in a world of cowards and mental ill people.
You can't.
It's not good for you.
It's when I started hanging out with the group I'm around now.
Right.
I want to say it was you.
You're saying surround yourself with good people.
And I remember, I remember reading a quote that week and I, I've butchered it,
but I said,
if enough, you hang out with enough great white sharks, people think you're a
great white
shark.
Like I just like, like all they see is the fin.
Right.
And it's like, if I hang out with the best fucking comics in the world, if I
surround
myself with the best comics in the world, I'm going to have to get better.
Yes.
Like I'm going to get better.
And I remember, I can tell you like the first time I saw your Kim or your, your
Caitlyn Jenner
joke of the, of the gargoyles, the demon.
Yeah.
And you're on the stool and you got the stool and the gargoyle.
I remember watching that crying, laughing, going, I'm not using the stage at
all.
Like I'm not using the stage.
Like, God damn it.
Or I remember Burr doing an act out and I never expected Burr to do an act out.
He was talking to an immigrant kid he hired that lived in the bushes or that he
adopted.
He goes, someone says not going to live in the house.
We're going to keep in the bushes.
He said, come on, man.
There's a reason you have bushes.
But he was doing an act out.
And I remember going like, God damn it, man.
I don't ever do act outs.
Like, I think I always surround myself around better comics to like, see what
the, see what
the meal was being made and go like, well, shit, I'm just making French fries.
You can turn that into a baked potato.
Well, we don't exist in a vacuum.
This is one of the things that I always say about comics.
You never find the best comic in the country or one of the best comics in the
country by
themselves in Birmingham, Alabama.
No.
It doesn't exist.
They're always in either New York, LA, Austin.
There's a few other places where you find out about someone really good.
And they're always around other people that are really good.
Because comedy is one of those things where you, you, you really only
experience it live.
Like when you see someone and doing a special, specials are great, but a
special is like 60%
of the real show.
If you're there in the audience, you get 100% of the real show.
You get hypnotized by, by the show.
You get caught up in it.
If the guys got it together, it's like really well pieced and timed and edited.
It's so much fun.
But you, you gotta be there.
And when you're at a club, like, and you see Gillis and Ron White and like we
had the
mothership, you have all these great comics.
Like, man, the atmosphere is just uplifting.
Everybody's inspired and exciting.
And for people that are listening, like, yeah, that's great for you guys.
Be fucking famous comedians.
You could do this with your friends, whatever you're doing.
I don't care what you're doing, whatever you're doing.
If you guys are all pickleball players, just work hard to be the best fucking
pickleball
player.
Hang out with other pickleball players.
Talk about pickleball.
Get involved in it.
Push each other.
Tell each other what you're doing that's making you better.
Tell each other what are the different things you're doing that's enhancing
your recovery or
whatever the fuck you're into.
Find other people that are also into it.
Surround yourself with people that have a similar thing and you all lift each
other up.
And you need the other voices.
Because I think sometimes the best jokes you tell are like, you don't realize
you're telling
a joke.
You don't realize it's a bit.
And then someone goes, yo, man.
Like, I remember we were doing a new material night one night and I got off
stage and you
walked up to me and you go, did you really not know that Helen Keller and Anne
Frank weren't
the same person?
And I was like, yeah, you should think they're the same person.
Bro, did you, you know what I've been reading?
That Helen Keller was a fraud?
Okay, hold on.
Let's start here, okay?
So, okay.
I heard Stevie Wonder could see.
Okay.
And there's footage of him doing seeing guy shit.
Like what?
Pull it up.
There's all sorts of stuff and some very interesting stories people have told
too.
Shut the fuck up.
Yeah.
Like, there's a video.
Boy, that's a great secret.
To keep that secret for so long while you're still alive.
Helen Keller's dead and it just leaked out in 2026.
Dude, Helen Keller.
Her doctors were saying that she responded to stimuli, to sound, to visual.
And then her writing was apparently all the same grammatical errors and
spelling errors
that her handler had.
This goes back to Kabushay, Joe.
It's just like he says to me, you lost it all and you built it back.
And I just Stevie wondered him.
I'm like, yeah, I can't see, man.
Bro, me and Eddie Bravo were crying laughing.
Because I was on the toilet when he called me.
And I'm taking a shit.
And he's like, did Bert Krasher lose everything?
I'm like, what?
What do you mean?
He goes, he was on Shannon Sharp.
I go, he didn't lose everything.
And I go, I bet Shannon Sharp just said that.
And I could see Bert totally just going with it.
And we were crying laughing.
Eddie and I were crying.
We're like, why would you go with that?
Why wouldn't you just tell him, tell you Bert wouldn't?
He wouldn't even, but he was like, I don't know, Shannon.
I just pulled myself back up and I just, I hit rock bottom.
He never hit rock bottom.
He was never even in the middle.
He was always doing great.
That's what happened to Stevie Wonder.
They were just like, hey, man, I heard you're blind.
He's like, what?
And then someone's like, just go with it.
Come on.
This can't be real.
I swear to God, there's video of someone.
Ray Charles is blind.
Don't kill my, all my dreams.
Ray Charles is really blind.
Okay.
I heard Ray Charles got a lot of pussy too.
Stevie Wonder.
You know why?
Because he didn't care what it looked like.
He didn't give a fuck.
He just cared what it felt like.
Did you smell good?
Do you smell good?
Can we fuck?
I brought a blind guy on stage one time at Hartford, Connecticut.
I was like, he was with a fucking smoking hot chick.
He probably didn't even know.
And I know.
I said, I go, dude, what a waste.
And he was like, what?
I go, you got a beautiful chick, but you could just, I mean, wouldn't a fat one
feel better?
Like, cause you're all touch, right?
And he goes, no, man, I can feel her face.
And I went, what?
And he goes, she's gorgeous.
And she was.
Oh, he could feel her face.
This is when I was young and there were no rules in comedy and no one had
phones.
So I said, hey man, come up on stage.
I want you to feel people in the audience and rate them on a scale of one to 10.
Oh no.
And fucking the confidence of these chicks.
I'll do it.
Oh boy.
He gets up, feels her face.
He's like, oh, four.
And the crowd was like, this guy's good.
He could have worked at a fair, Joe.
I mean, he was so fucking good.
He was so good.
You have to have footage of Stevie Wonder shaking dude's hands.
Come on.
There's one where I saw where he comes up on stage and Stevie sticks his hand
out to the
side and the guy's like, hey, what's up, Stevie?
Yeah, but I mean, he would hear people and know that they were to the side of
him.
I don't know.
That's what I heard.
But then I think that's what happened with Helen Keller is, right?
The story gets bigger.
Well, Helen Keller, it seems like it was fraud.
It seems like she probably was like visually impaired.
Okay.
When someone attempted to shake hands with Stevie Wonder.
I pray this.
Oh, that's a joke.
Making fun of it.
Okay.
So not that.
Oh.
But I did find, so there's a bunch of compilations of people like this is from
Drink Champs.
These Stevie Wonder stories keep getting wilder every time.
Shut up.
You ever had Drink Champs on?
No.
Let me hear some of this.
Stevie's not blind stories.
Stevie Wonder be FaceTiming.
On everything I love, Stevie Wonder does FaceTime me.
Come on, man!
I can't make this shit up.
Come on!
I was in there chilling with my, I was getting my hair done with my hair
styling.
He's gonna tell us a story.
And my phone, and my hair stylist's like, did I say Stevie Wonder?
I said, yep.
I went, boop.
And he was like, I've been looking for you.
You know Snoop Dogg saying Stevie Wonder FaceTimes him?
Yeah, Stevie.
We have all kinds of stories.
Stevie FaceTimes me, too.
What?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Do you think Stevie can see?
Sometimes.
What?
Sometimes.
Shack said he rode in the elevator with Stevie, and Stevie pressed the button.
We lived in the same building on Wilshire.
All right.
All right.
I just need to describe this story.
You can park in front, or you can park in the bottom.
I'm already in the elevator.
So you say Stevie got out of his car on the dolo?
No.
But he got on the elevator, Dolo.
Okay.
And I'm standing in the corner.
I see him.
I don't want to say nothing.
He's like, what up, Diesel?
He got this button, and he got the floor, and I'm like.
Like, Shaq said, he rode in the elevator with him.
He didn't say that he was in there.
He just seemed Stevie.
Like, they lived in the same building, and they both walked in.
And Shaq, because he didn't want to say nothing, and Stevie said it when Shaq
walked out.
All right.
Later, Diesel.
That's crazy.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
Well, what a great move that would be if he really did it.
I think he's blind.
No, here's the pitch.
But what up, Diesel?
First of all, the sound that he would make when he walks.
Like, Shaq is huge.
He's an enormous person.
So you'd probably realize there was an enormous man next to you.
You'd have to feel it.
Right.
I'll test it.
Maybe he wears the same deodorant or cologne.
Because dudes who can't see have amazing sense of smell.
Like, people smell differently.
You know, like, certain people smell different, I guess.
I don't notice it because I can see them.
But I guarantee you.
Shaq does have his own deodorant.
Yeah, there you go.
No, he has his own deodorant.
It's got Shaq's head on it, I think.
He probably smelled Shaq's deodorant.
I don't know.
I'm just trying to be charitable.
This is how I think it happened, right?
Stevie Wonder goes on what?
The Ed Sullivan Show of Five?
And he's probably hard.
He probably can't see.
He probably doesn't have 20-20 vision.
He's probably legally blind, right?
Legally blind.
Legally blind.
Like, he can see shit, but it's not great vision.
And they're like, you know, this is little Stevie.
And he's like, what's wrong with his eyes?
We can't fucking put his eyes out like that.
Give him sunglasses.
And then the story got bigger than it was.
I will say this.
I will say this, okay?
I got video of this.
This just proves that he might be blind.
Okay.
Leanne was at a concert the other night.
This guy, Corey Henry, Stevie's favorite pianist.
Leanne loves Corey Henry.
She goes to the concert.
She's sitting next to Stevie Wonder.
And Stevie Wonder didn't stand.
The whole place was standing.
And Leanne was like, why isn't he standing?
I go, because you only stand to see.
If you're blind, you're going to sit through the whole show.
It's no different to you.
Right.
So I was like, and then I have video of Stevie Wonder sitting.
But it's also convenient because who the fuck wants to stand for a show?
I don't.
Helen Keller.
The Helen Keller one's different.
The Helen Keller one's.
Because there's doctors that have said, like there's, it was medical records at
the time
where people said she was responding to light.
It says that there's, that's not true.
The Helen Keller thing?
She just said.
Medical board archives from 1902 to 1924 do not contain examination reports
showing Helen
Keller had functional vision and hearing throughout a disabled life.
And the conspiracy that Keller was a cash cow for Sullivan is debunked by the
fact that
Keller's full life continued with another companion, Polly Thompson, who also
interpreted for her.
That doesn't mean anything.
That means that other person could be in on it as well.
Yeah.
That doesn't mean anything.
Also, this is a time in 1919.
I mean, come on.
How easy was a lie in 1902 to 1924?
I mean, you could get away with so much.
So she supposedly flew a fucking plane?
I told you she flew a fucking...
Hold on.
Yeah, this says it was from like a movie and there's no...
Oh, the movie, she flew a plane in a movie?
A silent film.
She played herself.
She played herself flying a plane.
They just thought people were retarded back then.
They're like, show her flying a plane.
She's the best.
She started the university.
Nothing can hold her back.
Why is it holding you back?
She can't hear, she can't see, and she could talk and write books.
Like, wait, what?
Okay, that is this one article.
I knew she flew a plane.
I've read things that said that the people that were examining her said that
she responded
to sound and that she responded to light.
Just because this one thing says it's not true doesn't mean that it's not true.
Well, then here's the question.
Because it's also, we don't know.
This is a hundred years ago.
Yeah.
We really don't know.
How blind and deaf do you need to be before you say you're not blind and deaf?
Right.
Well, the thing is, like, can you not hear anything?
Can you not see anything?
That's blind and that's deaf.
Anything else is like, I have poor hearing and poor sight.
Yeah, but that doesn't sell a fucking book.
Right, but that's the problem.
Like, maybe she could see a little.
Maybe she just had bad vision and maybe she could talk a little.
Because otherwise, how?
I mean, explain to me how you're going to write books.
Explain to me how you're going to grasp concepts and language and communication
and interaction.
Explain to me.
I don't get it.
I've never met anybody since then that's been able to do it.
Do any blind, deaf people today write books and fly planes?
I don't know if she flew a plane.
She's just in the plane.
That's what it said.
Oh, yeah.
She's in the front of the plane and they usually flew from the back.
I saw a blind guy in a plane once.
I didn't think anything of it.
I didn't think he flew.
I almost got into a fight with a blind guy at the Austin airport.
For what?
Right after I did the show last time I was here.
I was a little high.
I went to the airport.
A little drunk.
He was fighting with his wife and he grabbed her by the back of the arm to
leave.
And I thought he was just grabbing by the back of the arm.
Like a dick.
And I was like, hey.
And then he turned around and he had sunglasses on and a cane.
Oh, boy.
And I realized that's the only way he could get to the gate.
Look at Burt being a fucking white knight.
I know.
Stepping in fighting blind guys.
I fucked that guy up.
Stepping in is the easiest fight I've ever been in.
The look on the black guy's face at TSA when I couldn't see that he was blind
already.
And he grabbed his wife's arm and I went, hey.
And the black guy went, oh, shit.
Like not knowing.
You're talking stuff to a blind guy.
You were drunk.
I was.
I was wasted.
So are there any people, are there any good articles that say Helen Keller
could see?
No, I asked perplexity.
It said she was blind and deaf caused by meningitis when she was 19 months old.
Again, I wonder, I wonder if she could see a little, see a little and hear a
little.
Makes a lot more sense that you could write books.
I just stumbled across something that's, I don't know how true it is.
It just says that somewhere along the way, Stevie Wonder got some sort of
corrective something
or other to help.
Oh, so you could see a little bit?
Perception issues or.
What?
That means you could see.
Stop lying to me.
Damn it.
That's crazy.
But he also, another thing says he's got detached retinas.
Wait, did you ever see that?
Oh, interesting.
So he has damaged vision then.
That sounds like damaged vision.
Yeah, shortly after birth due to retinopathy of prematurity from being born
prematurely.
He's addressed his rumors persistently about being able to see.
It's a blessing to allow him to see people's spirits, not their appearance.
So this is the Instagram thing that I saw initially on Helen Keller.
I'll send this to you.
Yeah, you don't believe that, but you believe that bullshit article.
You just pulled up.
No, I'm just saying starting with social media isn't the best place to.
Listen, it's the best place for information.
That's where I get all my information.
Everything's accurate.
You can start there.
It's all real.
It's all real.
You ever told someone, yeah, I read a book about it.
It was just an Instagram post.
And they're like, a book?
I think I saw the same post.
Helen Keller was a fraud.
Doctors proved she could see and hear.
That's her?
Her teacher made millions from the lie.
It said, medical board archives from 1902 to 1924 allegedly contained
examination reports
suggesting Helen Keller retained partial vision and hearing throughout her life.
According to those claims, multiple physicians noted she reacted to sounds when
Ann Sullivan
was not present, tracked movement with her eyes, and physically flinched at
loud noises.
One sealed report is said to conclude, I don't like that, is said to conclude
that her response
has pointed to coordinated deception rather than true disability.
Sullivan reportedly refused independent testing.
Aha!
The theory argues that the situation became highly profitable.
Sullivan allegedly discovered Keller at age seven, promoted a miraculous
teaching breakthrough,
and toured the country, charging the modern equivalent of thousands per
appearance.
Supporters of the claim say Keller's autobiography noticeably changed tone when
Sullivan became ill,
suggesting Sullivan authored both voices.
Financial records are said to show Sullivan controlled all income,
keeping Keller financially dependent for life.
Linguistic analytics cited by conspiracy supporters claim Keller's writings mirrored
Sullivan's private letters
exactly matching vocabulary, sentence structure, and even spelling mistakes.
They argue that when Keller wrote without Sullivan present, the work appeared
elementary,
concluding that her eloquent public words came from Sullivan, not Keller.
According to the theory, disability organizations later built massive
institutions around Keller's story.
When evidence questioning her condition surfaced, it was allegedly suppressed
due to,
to rather protect a lucrative charity, an inspiration-based industry that
relied on a powerful symbolic figure.
Lance Armstrong.
What do you mean?
This is like, this is the whole, like, you build the whole thing and people
start coming at you, right?
It's like, this is the time when the elephant man was big.
Yeah, but Lance Armstrong won those races.
And the thing about the Lance Armstrong thing is, you know, you could say Lance
Armstrong cheated and he'll tell you he cheated.
But the reality is, everyone cheated.
If you wanted to go back into the archives when he won Tour de France and
figure out, like, who didn't test positive, you had to go to 18th place.
Yeah.
So they took away all his jerseys.
By the way, fuck you, he says, because he still has all those jerseys on the
wall.
Bitch, you can't take them from me.
You could say I didn't win, but everybody knows I won.
And everybody knows he won when all those other guys were doping, too.
But I was saying they were trying to protect a lucrative profit.
And that's what didn't happen with Lance.
Like, they just threw him under the bus.
Well, he was also suing people who were saying that he took stuff because they
were whistleblowers.
Because they went after them first and said, listen, if you blow the whistle on
Lance, we'll get you off the hook.
And so then he would sue them.
It would be a better story if Helen was more like Lance.
And they're like, we got a tennis partner who says you play tennis with him,
Helen.
And she's like, I'm going to sue you.
And they're like, you're talking pretty good.
She's like, I'm going to sue you.
But this is around the time when the elephant man was big.
So you'd grab onto something, right?
You'd grab onto something like a sideshow.
Right.
And you'd parade it around the country and make money.
Especially that woman who's her handler.
If that lady was responsible for all of her finances and had access to all that
money.
Ann Sullivan.
That makes sense.
That's how I mixed up Ann Frank and Ann Sullivan.
That's how it came about.
There's nowhere to, there's no link here.
Shut up, Jamie.
I just want to say.
Stop ruining everything.
You're right.
There's no link there.
There's not a single link to say.
And people even ask, like, where are the links?
And when you Google some of the stuff.
I like that one, though.
I knew it.
I knew it.
I'm with that guy.
Christian Harvey.
I'm with that guy.
I knew it.
I'm with that guy.
I've been saying this for years.
It just doesn't make sense that she'd be able to write so eloquently.
Did you ever see Kevin Hart and Dr. Dre talking about Stevie Wonder?
No.
Pull this up.
Kevin Hart, Dr. Dre.
Because Dr. Dre is not, I mean, like, he's not, he never tries to be funny.
Right.
And he is so fucking funny on accident on this clip.
Talking about Stevie Wonder?
Just Stevie Wonder, Dr. Dre, Kevin Hart.
Album with Marsha Ambrosia, right?
And we did some music, a song using Stevie Wonder's music.
And he had to clear it.
And he called me up, like, hey, yo, Jay.
For some reason, Stevie Wonder calls you, like, super early in the morning.
Like, 6, 7 in the morning or some shit.
I'm like, that's because you can't see the time.
The fuck?
Like, so, true story.
Look at Kevin.
I don't like the lyrics.
I don't like the lyrics, Dre.
Look at Kevin.
Okay, we went in and changed the lyrics.
He's like, what if we, uh.
It was like, Jessica.
Stevie, Stevie, Stevie is 3 a.m.
What the fuck is the difference?
Like, 5 a.m. or 5 p.m. is Stevie.
That's true.
What's the difference?
That's true.
Blind people have a really hard time sleeping.
I imagine, because it's dark all the time.
Yeah.
Yeah, their circadian rhythm is all fucked up, right?
Yeah.
They feel sunlight in their face, though.
If they go outside.
They have to.
I do.
They have to.
Yeah.
It probably feels really good.
Get that sun on your face.
You're blind.
Like, oh.
You just don't feel the light.
Just feel the warmth.
I bet you see it when you open your eyes a little bit.
I bet you see something.
Depends on your level of blindness, right?
Some people could just see light.
Like, a little bit of light.
I would love that they made, like, blind glasses.
Like, this is how blind you have to be to be considered blind.
And you could just put them on and be like, okay, that's blind.
Oh, like, legally blind glasses?
Yeah, yeah.
Like, legally blind glasses that we could all put on.
Mm.
And then they're like, that'd be cool if they made, like, versions.
Like, this is how blind Helen Keller was.
And you put them on, you're like, oh, I can fucking see.
Yeah, we don't know.
I guess there's no way to find out.
I like to believe that it was a fraud.
I think that's fun.
I like to believe that people pulled.
Well, it's like Watergate.
I like finding out.
I gotta get rid of that book now.
Yeah.
That fucking bums me out.
That was my favorite.
Listen, you watched the episode that I did with Bill Murray.
He fucking hated that book.
He said, yeah, after five pages, he was like, I knew it was bullshit.
God.
Yeah.
Bert, I love you to death.
Joe, I love you.
Tell everybody about your show.
It's on Netflix right now.
Free Bert, streaming on Netflix right now.
Check it out.
If you like it, just enjoy it.
Tell a friend.
Boom, boom.
275 pounds in this.
Damn.
You look like you lost a lot of weight.
How much are you down to now?
40 pounds.
Or 35 pounds.
That's awesome.
I'm 230.
And you haven't drank in how long?
Just 17 days.
That's good.
Yeah, I got another, I have a timer set, five months and 18 days.
So at six months, you're going to have a drink?
Yeah, well, I got a second opinion.
You know that, Joe.
Okay.
I'll see you in six months.
I'll see you in six.
I'll see you before.
I'll see you before.
Are you coming tonight?
Are you going to be around tonight?
I'm trying to go spend time with Tom's kids.
Oh, beautiful.
I was going to take him to dinner.
Okay.
Beautiful.
Good luck getting Tommy on the phone these days.
He's a busy boy.
Yeah.
Busy boy.
Yeah, real busy, Tom.
That dude's busy, though.
No.
He's kind of crazy busy.
Yeah, I own a vodka company with him.
Yeah, he opened up a restaurant.
We have a 5K.
You kind of going to run our 5K, Joe?
No.
L.A.?
No.
I don't go to L.A.
When was the last time you were there?
I guess it was like, I went there for the UFC seven months ago or something
like that.
Okay.
Yeah.
I don't go there anymore.
L.A. to me is like just a bad relationship.
That you run into a girl that used to be cool and now she's just a mess and you're
like,
oh.
You don't miss anything about it?
Nope.
I'm good at moving on.
Thanks for having me on, Joe.
I appreciate it.
My pleasure, brother.
I love you to death.
Love you, man.
All right.
Bye, everybody.
Bye, everybody.