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Adam Ray is a stand-up comic and actor known for his "Dr. Phil LIVE!" show and roles in "Pam and Tommy" and "Young Rock." His latest comedy special, "Like & Subscribe," is available on YouTube. https://adamraycomedy.com https://www.youtube.com/@adamraycomedy
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Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.
What's wrong?
Yeah, part of it was rolling.
Adam Ray, my man.
Great to see you.
Guest of the year, Gil Tony, how's it feel?
Feels great.
Did you get a belt or anything, some sort of a cup?
I should have.
Some sort of a cup, like a Stanley cup?
Tony, always shortchanging the gifts.
That motherfucker.
That was the last time I saw you, I think.
You should get a jacket.
That's what it should be.
Guest of the year.
That's not a great idea.
That's a great idea.
We made these for the end of the Dr. Phil tour, which, by the way, we have our
very last
one at the Wilton on December 16th, if anyone wants to.
Have you ever had Dr. Phil on as a guest?
Yes.
Remember for the Netflix special.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
It was so funny.
We were in the green room.
I met him like an hour before, and he goes, no, it's your show, but I'm going
to fuck with
you.
And I'm dressed as him, and I go, well, I know you better than you know
yourself, motherfucker,
so strap in.
And he was like, oh, shit.
And he was dying laughing.
But the last time I saw you, I think I was Tony, right?
Right.
At the mothership.
Yeah.
The difference is doing it on your show, when you're doing the Dr. Phil show.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a different thing.
I felt oddly, you know, the whole show's improvised, so it's a wild thing to do
an unscripted show
with somebody you have no rapport with.
Right.
When I've had-
And you're doing an impression of him.
Totally.
So I'm trying to go, I think everything I'm going to do is hunky-dory with him,
but like,
I don't know if I'm going to press the wrong button.
Like, at one point, I think he said something where I go, I go, well, marriage
is tough.
I go, but we keep it fresh in the bedroom, right?
And he goes, okay, well, you watch yourself.
And I go, I was like, we don't use butt plugs?
But he was such a, he rolled with everything, man.
I'm good friends with his son.
Jordan?
Jay.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I've got to know Jordan, who kind of helped facilitate the whole thing.
He kind of got in his ear and was like, this thing is pretty awesome, and it's
making you-
Making both of them famous.
Totally.
And I'm just glad that, because you never know, like, I could have two days in
gotten
a letter that was just like, enough's enough.
Easily.
I actually ended the Netflix special with showing his signed contract to the
camera being like,
look, no cease and desist.
But you know, you never know.
He's a really good guy.
Yeah, and laughing at yourself is such a, man, you know what I'm saying?
Like, I started talking about this on stage, where it's just like, the people
that I am
friends with that, like, that aren't comics, that I'll be in, you know, hangs
with, that
like, if I, you know, bust their balls and they get a little weird about it, it's
like,
oh, man, like, you're a bummer not only for right now in The Hang, but just
this bleeds
into other facets of your life.
Oh, for sure.
You've got to be being self-deprecating, and, you know, within context,
obviously, if someone's
just, you know, you know, just making fun of you, you know.
Just being mean.
Just being mean.
There's a difference.
There's a difference between being mean and being funny.
Yeah.
But like Tony, for example, like doing Tony on Kill Tony, I remember I was in
Portland
or in Eugene at my buddy's club, Olsen Run Comedy Club, shout out, great club,
and I'm
there, and I tell the story about how Shane and I, the Biden-Trump thing came
together.
Because a buddy of mine asked me, he's like, you and Shane must have been best
friends like
10 years ago.
We literally, that was probably the sixth time we've ever talked to each other.
So we're getting to know each other in full makeup for two plus hours.
That's a weird way to build a fucking friendship.
Yeah.
And so I had-
You guys are so good at bouncing off of crowds and off of each other.
It was seamless.
Right.
It was really fun.
Yeah.
There's something cool about jumping in the bit boat with somebody that's just
like,
oh, I just want to make the other person laugh.
Like, I got comfy because he's Shane.
He'd been nice about the Phil stuff, but like, you know, he was definitely
established as Shane
Gillis.
So it's like, and it's Trump, and Biden's trying to find, I'm trying to find my
ways to be a
sniper when he's not known for being funny.
But as soon as I got out there and I had the frozen eyes and I was like, and
Shane started
to break out, that made me feel really comfortable when Shane and I couldn't
keep it together.
But so this kid in line at the meet and greet goes, you should do Tony on Kill
Tony because
I tell the story of how Tony was like, Shane's going to do Trump.
You got to do Biden.
I bought a new vest.
It's going down, baby.
You know, I do all that.
And the guy's like, you should do Tony.
And I was like, I kind of scoffed it off.
And then I texted him and I said, what would you think about me dressing up as
you?
And he just texted back in all caps, absolutely.
It'll be your best character yet.
While we're doing this, unfortunately, people can't see anything.
So they just see us.
Oh, that's right.
I want to show because it's so crazy how close you get to him.
It's kind of eerie.
Like, I didn't see it in your face structure changed.
Like, you look like a different person.
It's like you had become Tony.
Like, you do a weird thing when you do characters.
Like, you oddly become that person.
Like, give me some volume on this.
Oh, the beginning.
Give it up for Tony.
It's good.
Oh, my God, dude.
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?
Bro, it's like you've got a different face.
Yeah.
You did something weird.
You did something weird.
Yeah.
They taped my ears back a little bit to push his ears out.
And then the teeth are the same.
I just got the clothes.
The hair.
I mean...
You look oddly like him.
Yeah, it's wild.
You're less like you than him.
Yeah.
I would think that's more Tony Hinchcliffe doing an Adam Ray impersonation than
I would.
You know what was the best is Woody Harrelson was there that night and comes up
to me after
and he's like, man, he's like, that shit was fucking crazy, man.
He's like, I don't know what was going on or what you had to do.
I was like, I watched the intro a bunch.
I've known Tony since we both started.
And he goes, you kind of got a little Johnny Depp going on with the thing.
So then I started going, I go, Woody, I go, maybe I am Johnny Depp.
Maybe I'm Johnny playing Tony.
And then he was like, what the fuck, man?
Bro, you should totally do that.
Johnny is the pirate.
That's not a bad idea.
It's a fucking great idea.
I just heard your accent.
Wow, on kill Tony?
100%.
In full pirate garb?
Yes.
Just come out Jack Sparrow.
Big fan of Horns Coom.
Horns Coom.
Yes.
Dude.
That's a great idea.
100%.
Okay, yeah.
Has to be done.
Yeah, real understated.
Has to be done.
Wow, okay.
That is your next big character.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The Amber Heard jokes are endless.
Oh, my God.
Endless well.
Oh, my God.
I was just like, what sort of a pot could he pull from to kind of-
Oh, cocaine.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no.
And maybe every time he likes somebody, he goes, I'm going to give you the
Johnny Depp bracelet
of approval, and he gives him, like, a bracelet.
That's a great idea.
Wow, Joe.
All right.
Dude, this is a perfect character for you.
People have pitched me to do-
You should have a treasure chest filled with cocaine.
Oh, my.
Do we want to delete this from the podcast so we can save it?
No, no, no.
No way.
This is great.
A treasure chest filled with coke.
Oh, my God.
Bring out a treasure chest filled with baby powder.
Just about, like, 10 pounds of baby powder.
And just in between, instead of Heidi bringing out drinks, he brings me bags of
coke.
And I'm just blowing lines.
A fucking full treasure chest, bro.
Oh, that's so funny.
Yeah.
You know, a parrot.
You know, a parrot.
A real parrot?
No, no, no.
A real parrot would probably freak out and have a hard time.
Yeah.
We did.
I did just, so I tried to do this new character called Bruce Robbins at the
Comedy Store.
He's like a mentalist magician.
And it's going to drop on my YouTube in a couple weeks.
And I rented an owl for 1,200 bucks.
And Harlan said he knew the type of owl.
Harlan was on the show, too.
A Eurasian, I think, owl?
He said it's the biggest owl.
Whoa.
This thing was, so the whole bit was, this character, Bruce Robbins, he's got,
like, a big blonde
coif, big bug teeth.
And, you know, kind of from the South, talks like this real fast, you know.
And, you know, I'm a magician.
I'm a former real estate agent, too.
But, you know, magic is my healing power.
And so the bit was bringing out this owl that was like a psychic owl.
And so people would ask it questions.
But I had my buddy, who does a really good Morgan Freeman, do voiceover.
So then I would hold the mic up to the owl's face.
And then you would play the Morgan Freeman.
So, like, somebody goes, you know, how many, or is, somebody asked, is
democracy, you know,
is democracy ruined or are we going to save it in this country?
And we had a bunch of canned responses.
And so then I go, Archie, what do you think about Archie the psychic owl?
Is democracy going to be saved or ruined?
And then you just hear Morgan Freeman go, gay.
I go, thanks for it.
Thanks.
Any other questions we got?
You know.
But a real parrot for Johnny Depp would be wild.
Or maybe at least a fake one.
I don't think parrots would enjoy that.
It would probably be animal cruelty.
It probably would.
The large crowd of people screaming and cheering.
And what's your creature, you know, do you have any, has anyone brought, what's
the craziest
thing someone's brought into the mothership for like a, I guess.
Like an animal?
No one's ever brought an animal.
I'm trying to think too, Paulie brings his dog sometimes, but he's got a sweet
dog.
Yeah.
And Ron's brought his dog a bunch of times.
Right.
Ron's got a cute little dog.
Yeah.
And I'm trying to think, when we did a Dr. Phil at the mothership, we didn't
have too
many crazy elements.
You ever worked with Liza?
Schlesinger, yeah.
We did a game show.
She'd make you hold her dog.
Used to make her always hold her dog.
She'd just like give you a dog before she goes on stage.
Take my dog and be like, okay.
Yeah.
I know.
And thank God it's always the people that love dogs.
I've held multiple dogs of hers over the years.
You know, because dogs die and she gets a new one.
Bro, I had that new one with the scars around her nose.
Yeah.
Where she was one of those dogs that they were, I mean, who knows what the fuck
they were going
to do to it.
Yeah.
But they had its face bound.
I think she got it from China.
Wow.
Yeah, she did.
Yeah.
Because I think she calls it like feng chu.
Yeah.
Something like dim sum.
Dim sum.
Yeah.
It's close.
Something like that.
Yeah.
Which is racist.
Which is racist.
Racist.
Yeah, very racist.
Couldn't have gone with like Albert.
Or Jill.
Bro, you ever been on Blue Sky?
What's that?
Blue Sky is like the ultra super liberal Twitter for people like, Twitter's
filled with Nazis.
Right.
And they ran over to Blue Sky.
Some guy wrote, I'm just trying to be Zen about it.
And then someone under that wrote, how about try not to be racist against
Asians?
Wow.
For saying Zen.
For saying Zen.
That's, I don't like that.
That's crazy.
That's crazy.
That was one of the wildest like reaches I've ever seen in my life.
Zen is a state of mind.
Zen is one of the best words to describe being tranquil or serene, right, is
another one.
Zen and the art of motorcycle repair.
God damn.
Zen and the art of archery.
There's great books.
I was just talking about how my dogs are my like Zen happy place.
Which by the way.
Imagine thinking that saying that is racist.
Yeah, that's bananas.
But that's how crazy, this is like what you're dealing with with humans out
there.
Some people are just off the reservation.
Yeah.
You posted something recently or maybe you said something on a pod about like
your love
for Marshall and I wanted to bring this up because we're thinking about finally
trying
to have kids.
My wife's had to go through some stuff to get us in a place to, you know, where
it's
all right on that front.
Satanic rituals, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Goat sacrifice.
Yes, goat sacrifice.
She did play some song recently that said it was some, maybe an Ariana Grande
or something
song and I go, I go, are we sacrificing a lamb in the backyard?
What the fuck is this?
It was just so, it made me feel so old because it was so just, and I was like,
I just don't,
I don't know who this is, but we're getting close to having kids and we have
two dogs and
I'm like, I get emotional leaving the dogs, dude.
I mean, it's, it's bad.
Like, and I don't even know how it's going to be with kids.
I mean, and you can probably attest to that.
When you go on the road?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I have trouble leaving.
You can't even compare.
When I go on the road, I know someone's taking care of my dog and he's going to
be great.
Right.
He's a sweetheart.
He's great with everybody.
I never worry about him.
Right.
The kids are a totally different beast.
Oh my God.
It's like, you don't even, you can't even imagine how much you're going to love
them.
It's just, it's, it changes you as a human being because then you start to
realize that
everybody was a baby and that most of these fucked up people in the world, they
just got
a bad deck of cards.
That's a great way to put it.
And they just been handed a shit sandwich every fucking day of their life.
Everybody was, yeah, man.
And then you run into them and maybe you were lucky.
You had really nice parents.
Yeah.
You lived in a really nice neighborhood.
You had good friends.
You weren't in jail when you were 12.
Yeah.
You know?
And so it's just, you have more compassion for the whole world when you have
kids.
I could have been in jail when I was 12.
I put a firework in my neighbor's mailbox.
That's not good.
That's not great.
What if he had like a fucking lottery check in there?
Oh, could you sue over that?
No, I guess there's no way to find out.
No, he's going to kill you.
He's not going to sue.
He'd rather go to jail.
The money's gone.
Dude, we did it with-
What do you have?
You don't have enough money to pay for the $100 million lottery ticket.
Oh my God, my single mom would have freaked the fuck out.
Imagine if they said, no, you can't.
The lottery is the craziest scam.
It's so wild.
It's legalized gambling.
Yep.
Everybody does it.
But you know what it is?
It could be you.
That's the slogan that makes people go, I never thought of it like that.
But it's the dumbest scam because you have millions of people trying to win.
And like at least in blackjack, you've got like a 40% chance of winning.
You know, you have like fucking no chance of winning.
You're just donating money, hoping that you're the one person out of 5 million.
Maybe even more.
Maybe more.
Sometimes the odds I feel like have been in like the 7 billion.
Let's ask, let's find out how many people go, like let's find a lottery, like a
big one.
Like what's a big one?
Colorado State maybe.
What are the big ones that you hear in the news that get to-
The Powerball.
The Powerball.
Okay, let's say Powerball.
That's a huge one.
They nailed it with the title too.
Let's guess here.
Let's say, let's find out how many people get paid out and how many people buy
lottery tickets.
How many lottery tickets are sold?
Okay, let's put this into perplexity.
We have an AI sponsor that can give us information now.
Ooh.
So, because I talk a lot of shit and sometimes I'm absolutely wrong.
So, it's super important.
That is important.
To use perplexity.
Good for you.
It's crazy when you watch it work too, because you put in a prompt.
Can you show how it's working?
You put in a prompt and look, it just pulls out all those articles.
Oh my God.
And then, bam, puts a synopsis in seconds.
And a knowledge dropper.
Look at that.
Look at that.
In seconds.
That's so crazy, dude.
I don't think we realize how nuts that is.
It really is.
Because guess what?
Even if it was a couple seconds to compute and process, you'd give it the time
and space
to figure that out.
So, here it goes.
The largest Powerball drawing in U.S. history, November 7, 2022, a jackpot of $2.04
billion.
Over 100 million tickets were sold for a single major drawing as the jackpot
approached the
billion-dollar mark.
For instance, when the jackpot reached $1.1 billion in another high-profile
drawing, America's
bought more than 111 million tickets.
And similar or greater sales occurred for historical record draws like the $2.04
billion event.
So, only one person gets paid?
No.
Well, depends.
Though there's smaller jackpots?
Yeah, it depends.
You can hit a few numbers.
So, there's a $20 million range?
Oh, though there's smaller jackpots.
How many people get paid out, though?
Is it just one person?
It depends.
I think there can be multiple winners.
Yeah.
I mean, you would have a million bucks if you hit all five numbers and not the
Powerball.
Yeah.
Right.
But that doesn't affect the jackpot.
Right.
So, I guess if you're asking who gets paid out of the jackpot...
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a winner-take-all situation.
Whoa.
But if two people or three people or ten people get it, it gets split evenly.
So, what if you can only get some of the numbers?
You get some money?
You can get some money.
If you get, like, one number, you can get, like, five bucks back.
Okay.
They're just trying to keep you hooked.
Yeah, they're just trying to keep you.
Oh, yeah.
They're just trying to keep you on the hook.
Oh, yeah.
And if you get, like, let's say you get, so you've got to imagine that if you
give them
five bucks back, they probably bought 300 tickets.
At least.
So, you won anyway.
Yeah.
So, I was going to bring up this thing that happened, I think it was in Texas.
Someone figured out the loophole of, like...
No.
How many tickets can you buy and how fast can you buy them?
And they figured out a way to buy more tickets.
And they won.
They were profitable.
It is a numbers game.
They had to spend, like, $25 million or something, but they were profitable.
Well, is that legal?
That's where they've gotten into some issues now.
Well, here's the thing.
Why isn't it legal if you're just buying tickets?
Yeah.
If you have a shitty system.
Yeah.
If your system sucks.
That's on you.
And, by the way, your system's been ripping off everybody forever.
Sounds like a personal problem.
And I jump in on that system and give you all this money.
I figured it out.
And I win money every fucking time.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Maybe this is on you.
Maybe you don't like when you get scammed, motherfucker.
You've been scamming us for years.
Yeah.
When you sell 111 million tickets for one winner, you have 111 million to one.
Yeah.
That's bananas.
Someone might not win, and it goes on, but it carries over.
I love the stories.
That's bananas.
It's so bananas.
All right.
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Feeling busy?
Got a lot on the horizon?
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It's happened a handful of times where, like, the guy or gal will win and then
split it with someone that they, like, bought the ticket with or said they'd go
halvesies on.
You know, though, there's got to be times where somebody did that and, like,
you know, because I think they usually publicize who won.
But there's got to be a way if you won, like, two mil to keep it kind of hush-hush.
And then, you know, and then the buddy's like, man, I can't believe we didn't
win.
And you did win.
And you're like, yeah, I know.
Fucking better look next year.
But, like.
Oh, he's going to kill you.
Yeah.
So, well, and families, I've, families have been ripped apart from these types
of, when they go public and name changes.
I mean, I've heard all sorts of.
There was a documentary about the lottery from the same guy who did, I think it
was Spellbound.
Do you ever see that?
No.
About the script Spelling Bee?
They followed five kids around the country.
It's a brilliant documentary.
And it just goes to show you, I mean, they're all different walks of life kids.
And some are, you know, their parents are, like, spelling.
They're all pretty, like, you know, serious about it.
But some are very, I think there's a young Indian kid and his parents are, like,
yeah, spelling is life.
And then there's a young white girl and her parents are also very, like,
disciplined about, you know, her being on top of this.
And then there's a young black girl and her mom is kind of like, if she's happy,
she loves doing it, I'm a supporter.
You know, but it's all different walks of life.
And you follow them, almost like best in show, up until the big events.
And then it's the actual Spelling Bee, which is just, you know, so fucking.
I mean, you've seen some of these on ESPN, right, over the years.
And the pressure, though, is, like, what's wild.
Seeing a kid at that age deal with that type of pressure, like, even though
they love it, they're up on that stage.
Like, fuck, I remember I played the Cowardly Lion in fifth grade.
I freaked the fuck out.
A, because I was a fat kid, I was, fuck, my tits were falling out of the lion
suit.
I asked for ice cream cake instead of courage when I got to Oz.
But, like, these kids are having to, there's money on the line.
The parents have, like, dedicated, they've flown all across the country.
Like, anyway, but the guy did a doc about the lottery and how it's, the pros
and cons, but mostly about how it is, like, a big scam and stuff.
And it's, you know, just kind of a social experiment, really.
Well, it's definitely, it's definitely a way to keep people hooked.
It's a gambling thing.
Yeah.
It's 100% a gambling thing.
And it's, like, very, very profitable for the government.
It is.
But the thing about it is, nobody who wins ever gets happy.
It's not, like, everybody who wins.
More money, more problems.
I want to say everybody who wins.
The vast majority of people who win go broke within a very short amount of time.
Oh, really?
Yeah, they blow through their money.
Fuck.
And they wind up getting robbed or something happens.
And, like, it's not like you've had an unsuccessful financial relationship with,
you know, with money and with funds and, you know, being prudent with your
expenses.
Right.
And then all of a sudden you win the lottery.
And you're like, okay, great.
I'm an accountant.
I know how to handle this.
No, most people are just, like, barely getting by.
And then they win the lottery.
And they've always been late on bills.
And now they're buying a Rolex.
You're going from zero to 60.
Yeah, you can't adjust.
This is the winner of that $2 billion lottery.
Oh, look at them.
Wow, dude.
Look at them.
Yeah, just a kid from L.A.
Look how happy that motherfucker is.
You better run, son.
Run to Canada.
Run to Canada.
He's going to buy so much Under Armour.
Go somewhere where they don't know who you are.
Man.
And enjoy your life.
And lie.
Did you ever-
Lie about where you got your money.
You have to.
Say you got a business.
You know, say your dad died.
Went in on a nap.
Whatever.
Yeah.
Grandpa left you a lot of money.
He had gold coins from the war.
No one questions-
Yeah.
No one questions old artifacts.
Yeah.
Yeah, don't say you won the lottery.
You can't.
Because then people don't think you deserve it.
So if you're Jeff Bezos-
That's a good point.
You made Amazon.
There's pictures of you in the fucking garage with an Amazon.com sign above
your head.
The early days.
Yeah, the early days.
Like, you know that guy built that fucking company.
Sure.
So if he's out there balling, that kind of makes sense.
Yeah.
You know, you see Jeff Bezos has a giant yacht.
You're like, I'd have a yacht too.
Totally.
I'd do the same thing.
So, but when you get the Powerball and all of a sudden you got $2 billion.
Just like that, dude.
And by the way, it's not really $2 billion.
Because it's $2 billion if you live to be like a thousand years old.
But they take it.
They pay you like a hundred bucks a week.
Yeah.
It's weird.
Or you can get all of it in once, in one sum, but it's never the same amount.
They give you way less.
Yeah.
Which is horseshit.
It is.
So if you want to get the $2 billion, it's probably like, what is the actual,
let's find this out.
What's the actual payout schedule that you can accept either the payments where
they just pay you.
Like, we got $2 billion coming your way.
Guaranteed.
Promise you.
Yeah.
But we're going to give you a little every month.
But wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
What did you do with the 111 million tickets you sold, motherfucker?
Yeah.
You sold 111 million tickets.
What'd you do with that money?
Where's that money?
Yeah.
How about give me all that?
Yeah, no shit.
What the fuck are you doing?
No shit.
What is this?
30 year annuity option.
30 years.
Wow.
They want to pay you for 30 years.
Would you take that or just take that?
Nice and slow.
Yeah.
That's the way we do it, see.
Nice and slow.
Nice and slow.
It is that guy.
No, is this, I, I gotta say this, I didn't, it says this option pays out the
full advertised
jackpot amount.
Oh, it's a different one?
I didn't know that.
Let me see if that's real.
By the way, that voice, you were doing, that's for sure the head of the lottery.
Nice and slow.
Mr. Burns, Al Pacino type guy.
That's how we're gonna pay him, nice and slow.
Oh yeah, dude.
In a Fila jumpsuit.
Some dude just stealing money.
He's got a fake Rolex on.
Oh yeah.
Paying him nice and slow.
Oh yeah.
30 years is crazy.
If you win the lottery and you're 60, bitch, you ain't got 30 years, especially
with lottery
money, that kind of cocaine.
You gotta take it off.
Cocaine and Ferraris, like you got lottery money.
What do you think you're doing?
Cause you, I mean, you're, you're fine, but like, did you ever fantasize about
like that?
I think it's normal to be a person.
If you, as long as you've been aware of the lottery, I think everyone has had
that conversation.
Yeah.
What would you do if you won the lottery?
I remember having that as a kid and I remember telling my dad was going to win
the lottery
just to fucking, you never have to work it.
Like what?
How did I even think to, but you just, you hear about it and you're like,
the idea of, of just getting rich right away and then not having to do anything
I think
is, is pretty common in this country, right?
Well, it's a wonderful idea.
Like, cause everybody hates work.
Did you ever think about though?
Like when you were.
Oh, sure.
I played the lottery a bunch of times.
But like, did you fantasize about what you would do?
I don't remember how many times I'd played it.
Let me think of how many times.
Man, you know, not a lot of times.
I think I've probably played it like all told in my life, like less than 10
times.
What did you write down or say to yourself?
I'm not like a vision port type.
But like, if you got like, let's say you did win like 500 mil and you were in
your early
twenties or something.
Or even like 10.
Oh, I'd be broke.
I'd be broke and ruined.
You would have gone through it all.
I would be ruined now.
You wouldn't have put it away for the fam.
No, no, no, no.
I'd be doing a GoFundMe right now.
I'd be, I'd be, I'd be, I'd be, I'd be, I'd be, I'd be going on some sad tour.
Yeah.
People would be like, what about when you had all that money?
Fuck you, man.
Fuck you, man.
You know what I went through, man?
Joe's doing safaris and stand up for animals.
Um, I think the winning the lottery is bad for you.
I know that sounds crazy because if you don't have any money and you want money
and maybe,
maybe not bad for everybody, but bad for me.
Let me say that.
I think if I won the lottery, it would be bad for me because I'm the type of
dude who
needs like a thing to be working on.
Yep.
I like, I have to, I want, I want to improve at stuff.
I drive towards things.
I'm trying to like figure things out all the time.
That's a great point.
I'm all of a sudden not doing that.
Your drive is gone if you win the lottery, I think.
Especially at a young age.
Cause if you're like, so let's go back to like when I was like 22.
I was 22, uh, was working, uh, jobs while I was doing standup at night.
I was working for a private investigator.
Maybe I was making 20 bucks an hour.
Wait, did you really do that?
Yeah.
I drove around a private investigator.
Holy shit.
Yeah.
He was a good friend for years.
Like he died recently.
Uh, his name is Dave Dolan.
He was, he's the best.
I kept one of my old phones just cause he left me a message.
He used to call himself Diedmite Dickless Dave Dolan.
He was a hilarious guy.
The funniest guy that I've ever met that wasn't a comedian.
He was so funny.
I love that.
He was so funny.
And the crazy thing is what happened was he lost his license from drunk driving
and,
uh, he put in an ad for a private investigator's assistant.
But really what it was is someone to drive him cause he couldn't drive.
Yeah.
Cause he was, you know, lost his license.
Yeah.
Like I forget how long, like three months or something like that.
So, um, I, I signed up for the job.
I meet him, you know, this is back when I was still competing.
I was still fighting.
So he liked that I could like fuck people up and something went sideways.
Yeah.
And so then we would go and most of it was insurance fraud.
It was mostly like catching people, like doing things like, uh, pretending
their back was
hurt.
Then you catch them carrying roof shingles up a ladder.
It was a lot of that.
Uh, people, they, they get hurt, like working for an airline.
And this one lady, Oh, this was so sad.
Cause she let us into her house.
I felt so bad.
We would, it was a scam.
And the scam was Dave would show up and say, um, ma'am, uh, my girlfriend was
in an accident.
And when the police took the license plate of the witness, someone spilled
coffee on the
report.
And it's confusing which letters are the last letters.
And one of them is yours.
We got these two.
They weren't right.
We were hoping it's you.
And they were like, what's, what's wrong with your girlfriend?
And he goes, well, she's got this injury, which is exactly the same injury that
this
lady had that she was supposedly getting, uh, that she was disabled from.
And so she's like, Oh my God, I had the same thing.
And he goes, I hope you're getting paid.
And she goes, Oh yeah.
Not only am I getting paid by insurance, but I'm also working under my maiden
name.
He's like, Oh, that's great.
And she goes, would you like to come in the house and have some coffee?
She's the nicest lady.
She had us in her house.
We were two strangers.
Some fucking thick looking Irish dude with a mustache that's Dave and me like
this 21
year old kid with a fucking crew cut and you're just letting us into your house,
giving us
coffee.
I'm like, she's so nice, man.
We can't do that.
We got it.
We got to pretend this didn't happen.
He's like, fuck her.
She goes.
Fucking thief.
That lady's a fucking thief.
Fuck her.
I was like, Oh my God, I can't do this.
I only did it for a few months, but that's all.
That's all he needed me for really.
But we became friends.
What a life, dude.
Yeah.
He was an interesting cat, man.
He was a fun one.
One of the guys, there was a guy who thought his girlfriend was cheating on him
or wife.
I forget.
And so it feels like a lot of the cases they get hired for, right?
Yes, sure.
But mostly what Dave did was insurance stuff because they had the most amount
of cases.
Right.
It was all about fighting.
It's just a numbers thing.
Yeah.
So this one was, I think, I think my girl's cheating on me.
So he hires Dave to take, this, his wife was hooking up with this fucking
barbarian, this
dude who's this big old bodybuilder dude.
And he was just pounding her.
And Dave had to take pictures.
And then he brought the pictures.
Of them fucking?
Brought the pictures to the guy.
And then the guy was like, well, keep following her.
He's like, fuck you.
He's like, I don't know what kind of tink you're into.
Like, is this like a, are you doing-
This should be enough.
No, it was almost like he was into it.
It was almost like they were playing a game.
Like a cuck game.
Oh, wow.
It was, you know what I mean?
Maybe I'm cheating on you.
Maybe you should hire a private investigator and see the pictures.
The guy just like, the girl was, the lady was very hot.
And he was very not hot.
And then there was this bodybuilder guy.
Fuck.
Dude, it is funny you say that.
My brain immediately went to, if my wife was cheating on me, that would be the
worst version.
Just a huge guy.
Because, like, if it's Shaq, you go, if we do get back together, there's no way.
Well, you're not, by the way.
But, like, if you do, like, you just, you can't go back in there.
Right.
It's over.
I mean, I see Shaq now with, like, when there's pictures of him next to his,
like, girls he's dated, I'm like, how?
Is that, that should be illegal.
But I guess, I don't know, he's gentle.
I don't know.
How do you, how do you do that?
I don't know.
You gotta ask him.
Have you had Shaq on?
No, I'd love to have him.
I'd love that dude.
He did Fear Factor with me.
No way.
Yeah, he co-hosted Fear Factor one day, one episode.
That would be an unbelievable conversation.
Yeah, it was like me and him hanging, I had a joke, I was, it was like a six-year-old
hanging out with his dad.
Like the size of a, I had a joke about a lady guarding the White House, because
it was during the Obama administration, a guy broke into the White House and
they had a lady, an unarmed lady at the front door.
Sure.
And I had this whole joke about, like, not everybody can guard the White House
and like, listen, I've met Shaquille O'Neal, his dick is where my face is.
I'm like, if the White House is experiencing a Shaq attack, I'm the wrong dude
to save the world.
Oh my God.
He's just going to run over me, he's too big.
Yeah.
You know, but that guy, when you're hanging out with him, you're like, okay,
giants are real.
Like, there's real giants in this world.
Like, look at this.
Oh, you did at uni too, that's awesome.
Oh yeah, it was fun.
But he's a fan of the show, he was real cool.
That's awesome.
Yeah, I see him at the UFC all the time too.
Imagine that guy got into MMA, because he's a martial artist.
He practices martial arts.
That's right.
There's some good video of him working out, like, kicking pads and punching
mitts and shit.
He's got technique.
Is it cool, from your perspective, when people like that jump into that art
form?
Are you just like...
I love it.
Yeah.
No, I love it.
I want everybody to do it.
It's good for your brain.
You know, don't do it because you want to be Billy Badass, but do it because it's
like
the best way of releasing aggression and making you a nice person.
It sounds crazy, I know.
No, that makes sense.
But like hitting something, like a bag, you don't have to hit a person.
Hit a heavy bag, just boom, boom, boom, boom.
You get all that shit out of your system.
Wow.
Look at him next to Francis Ngannou.
That's former UFC heavyweight champion Francis Ngannou, who is a giant man.
Standing next to Shaq and Shaq towers over him.
I mean, it's honestly...
He's too big for the UFC.
If Shaq...
Yeah.
If the UFC was around when Shaq...
No, no, no.
He like literally is physically too big.
Oh.
Like the UFC has a 265 pound weight limit for the heavyweight division.
Which is kind of crazy.
Yeah.
Heavyweight should be as big as you get.
It should be like...
I think it should be like 225 and up.
That's what I think.
Yeah.
I think there's not enough weight classes, but that's a separate conversation.
But Shaq is way bigger than 265.
Yeah.
350 maybe.
He probably would have to cut 80 pounds to make the UFC's weight limit.
I think he was under three when he got in the league.
He was real slender.
Which is crazy to be that big and be that fast.
The fact that he did what he did in the NBA is really wild.
Giant super athletes, which is like the difference between the NBA, the NFL,
and then the UFC.
Yeah.
It's like the UFC doesn't get many guys like that.
Right.
Most of the like super athletes when they're kids, they go into football, they
go into baseball,
they go into basketball.
That's where the money is, you know, for a lot of them.
Yeah.
Like way more, like there's way more spots probably for football players than
there are
for UFC.
Like how many, how many professional football players are there in the NFL?
I mean, there's 53 per team and there's 32 teams.
Let's find out.
We're a thousand at least.
Don't make me do math.
I'm stupid.
That's why we do this.
That's just that.
There's also, there's practice squads.
There's another 12 or 15 on a practice squad.
Okay, let's put it into perplexity.
Find out how many overall players are employed by the NFL.
And then do it for NBA, MLB, badminton, tennis, and croquet.
Chinese sports.
And checkers, Parcheesi.
Yeah.
Uno tournaments.
Pyramid billiards.
The number for the NFL could get way bigger because there's guys that, you know,
are half
retired and only play like three games a year.
Okay, so what do you, if you had a guess.
53 times, what, there's 30.
Jamie knows a lot about stats.
There'd be probably 22,000.
22,000.
Okay.
No, no, no, no.
Not 20.
I was going to say 2,500 or 2,000.
Yeah.
2,000 is probably a fair number.
And is that, that's just NFL, correct?
And then you have XFL.
How many people are employed by the XFL?
Great question.
And baseball is a 53, no.
Baseball is a 53-man roster for baseball?
No, baseball is way less, like 25.
So for UFC, just the UFC, I think right now they have 600 fighters under
contract.
Mike Maynard texted me about that recently.
Wow.
It says there's 1,700 players on active rosters and then another 400 who can
move around.
Okay.
So that's NFL.
That's just NFL.
What a crap shoot.
So it's essentially 2,000-ish.
About 550 in the NBA.
Okay.
And the draft each year is probably another, you had another 30 to 40.
Also, you have to take into account that a lot of kids, you play football in
school, right?
Yeah.
So if you're going to play football, you play football in high school.
Yes.
You play football in college.
Getting it going early.
Yeah.
But it's a sport that everybody plays and it's normal to do.
Like everybody in the neighborhood plays.
If you play baseball, everybody in the neighborhood plays.
You all, you play in middle school, you play in high school.
MMA, you've got to go to the gym.
You've got to learn.
You've got to get kicked in the nuts.
It's a solo sport.
You're going to get kicked in the nuts more than once.
You're going to get punched in the face.
Your nose is going to be bloody.
You're going to have a headache.
You're going to have sore joints because people are trying to break your arms.
And then you're showing up at school every day going, what am I doing?
What the fuck am I doing?
So it's hard to get a kid that can also play basketball really well to decide,
I'm going
to let someone kick my shins out from under me.
I don't know what kid would do that.
It's got to be a kid that only wants that.
Yeah.
It's got to be a kid that watches the UFC and goes, that is me.
Like Tiger Woods was golfing, what, at like two or three, right?
Right.
So not that you would be doing UFC or MMA at that age, but what is the young-
Which you would because a lot of people who have sons and daughters that are
really into
it, they start training them.
A lot of these fighters train their kids at an early age.
I remember having like, you know, WrestleMania types, like stuffed animals and
wrestling with
them at like five, six, seven, but it didn't obviously turn into a passion, but
like that
at least it was like at that age of like roughhousing and throwing shit around
and like trying
to beat somebody up.
But I guess to take a shot to the dick as a kid, like, yeah, you got to be made
of steel.
Well, I think generally it's either your parents encourage you to do it early
and you do like
traditional martial arts and you get kind of excited about it and then you
start watching
the UFC as you get older and then maybe you start doing some other stuff.
Like maybe you start out in jujitsu and then you work your way to a little Muay
Thai and
then as you're like 13, 14, you probably start thinking, I think I want to
fight.
Yeah.
That's what happens with a lot of these guys.
You're probably not taking shit at school, by the way.
But like if your teacher's like, Martin, I saw you weren't paying attention.
You're like, I'm bleeding out of my dick, lady.
You know, like you're just, you've, you've seen, you've gone through some shit
where
you're like, this is not my biggest concern right now.
Well, it's definitely not your biggest concern, but it's also boring.
That's the real problem.
When you do exciting things when you're young, you can't parse it out in your
head and go,
I know I have to do this boring thing because this is like, yeah, this is
really important.
When you're doing this exciting thing, you're, you know, kicking people's heads
off.
This is way more fun.
I don't want to, I don't care about history.
Did you play baseball?
Play baseball, yeah.
Yeah, I did.
What position?
Um, you know, I wasn't very good.
Um, so I was an outfielder, but one thing I did do is I hit, I either hit home
runs or
I struck out.
Let's go.
Because I would never just try to get on base.
The coach would always say, uh, just try to get on base.
Just try.
I'd be like, right.
I just fucking ignore it.
You're like, that's cool.
I hated team sports.
I was not a good team player in that regard because, I mean, I was good in that.
I tried to catch balls and I would try to make the out.
I bet you were a fun teammate though, right?
You were a jokester.
But I was also like, I am going to hit the fuck out of this ball.
Come on.
Because I hit my first home run, I think, when I was like 12 or something like
that.
Wow.
And I was like, oh, this is way better.
I was like, this is way better than just hitting a ball.
Sure.
Because as you get bigger and stronger and you get a little bit more
coordinated and you
feel what it's like to really fucking connect and get your body into that.
Oh, yeah.
But that really translated into martial arts too.
Because learning how to hit things hard, I think it helped that I learned how
to hit a
baseball hard.
Is there a correlation with like the torque and the lower half and the twisting?
Yeah.
A hundred percent.
Because when you're hitting a baseball, like I was never a great baseball
player.
Okay.
I was just a kid who knew how to hit a ball hard.
Still?
I wasn't a good baseball player.
Hand-eye coordination.
But there was a thing about this, about this timing.
Yeah.
This crack like that that translated directly into kicking things, like
directly.
So I think learning that at an early age, I was like, oh, it's like a body.
It's a timing thing, but it's like a whip of your body.
Yeah.
And that's the exact same thing with kicking.
My buddy, I'm actually wearing his hoodie, Cal Raleigh, his nickname is The Big
Dumper.
And he had, he just lost the MVP to Aaron Judge by like four votes.
But he had, and it was a big dispute and big debate because he's a switch
hitting catcher.
He's a catcher.
He hit 60 home runs this year, the most by any catcher ever.
The most by any switch hitting catcher, switch hitting player.
He broke, he just broke so many records.
Aaron Judge ultimately won the MVP because statistically he was outrageous in
so many categories.
But it was a big debate.
I'm biased.
Cal's the man.
But also, you know, a catcher is handling so much more during the game.
Aaron Judge played the outfield.
And then Aaron Judge looks like if Four Loko grew into a person.
Cal Raleigh is like, you want to have a Bud Light with.
He's a fucking everyman.
He won the Home Run Derby.
His dad, who was his high school baseball coach, was throwing pitches to him
during.
It was a better story for baseball.
But I actually want to get your opinion on this.
If you are going, because I think the writers were just like, stats.
Like, Cal batted like 246.
Judge was like 380-something, I think, to end the year.
But again, Cal like broke all these records.
And for a catcher, and like made baseball cool.
And like put, you know, gave a position a lot more love.
And he's calling the whole game.
He has to know the whole pitching staff.
He comes in early.
He's catching the game, which is why it's unheard of for a catcher to be that
offensively, you know, powerful.
But he ultimately lost.
And a lot of people were bummed out about it.
And I guess my question to you is, if you were one of those, like, if you're
assessing stuff like that, do you take into account, like, you know, what
someone's impact for the game is?
Or would you just go like, no, no, who had the best stats?
And that's the MVP.
Yeah, it's a good conversation, right?
It's a good conversation.
Do you fall baseball enough to fuck with that?
No, I don't.
All right, let's move on.
But objectively, I would say go with the best stats.
The guy who's played the best.
I guess.
That's the most valuable player.
But a switch it and catch it.
Look, it's a very valuable thing.
It's just not the most valuable thing.
Yeah, you know what they gave a lot of credit to is, like, judges in New York
on the Yankees.
And they get so much press and so much love.
And Seattle's up here in the corner, right, furthest away.
Like, everyone's just like, isn't that the fucking coffee sound garden place?
And it's like, there's a catcher up there?
I mean, yeah, I don't know.
That stuff, I think, does matter the national attention.
But I don't know.
There was a guy that was a really good baseball player that became a martial
artist and had a wicked right hand.
This Japanese guy, Takanori Gomi.
Great name.
Oh, my God.
This dude, he was a pitcher.
Wait, martial arts and play baseball.
Yeah.
Wow.
He was a pitcher.
And, like, that's how he started off.
And he just had a whip to his right hand.
Yeah, dude.
And you think about, like, how fast a pitcher moves his body.
And I'm sure you've seen that one where, what's the dude's name that killed the
bird?
Oh, Randy Johnson?
Bro, that's a former Mariner.
That clip is amazing.
It's unbelievable.
It's insane.
I know it's sad.
It's very sad, but it's a once in a billion thing.
Once in a trillion.
Joe, the timing of that.
First of all, birds fly through stadiums, like, you know, every now and then.
And also, you have the fastest throwing pitcher, arguably, in the history of
the game.
Right.
At his peak.
At his peak.
Throwing, I think, a hundred.
Throwing heat.
Can you imagine that bird?
And he hits that bird dead square.
Do you think that bird, I mean, I don't know.
Do they have thoughts?
A little fucking stupid brain looking for seeds.
Okay.
Looking for seeds.
Fuck that bird.
Fuck that bird.
Fuck that bird.
That bird existed for that moment.
It did.
The universe wanted us to see it.
The bird was virtually pulverized and killed instantly.
Famously, Johnson was sued by PETA for the obvious freak accident.
Sued?
That's insane.
Not safe.
And look at this.
Johnson resents the way he's remembered as the bird killer.
Ah!
Randy, you gotta let it go.
His nickname was the big unit when he was in Seattle.
Yeah, no, I remember that guy.
Dude, that's wild.
And then there's the famous, if we're talking bird accidents, Fabio on the
roller coaster.
Remember that?
No, what happened with Fabio on the roller coaster?
He got hit by a bird?
Oh, man, this is unbelievable.
He's opening a roller coaster at some theme park.
I want to say Great America.
And he's on the beginning and he's like, hello, Fabio here.
I can't wait to ride the roller coaster.
And, oh, man.
And somewhere in the journey, a bird flies out of nowhere and breaks his
fucking nose, dude.
Yep, boom.
Bro.
Feathers and all.
That's crazy.
So everyone's like, what happened?
Yeah, and then he goes on ABC to talk about it.
A goose.
It was a goose.
He's like, I can't believe it's not butter, but I can't believe that bird had a
vengeance against my face.
He was the butter guy, remember?
Oh, that's right.
He was the romance novel guy, too, right?
Yeah, dude.
What a life.
Isn't that wild?
Chicks like reading their porn.
You know that?
Great premise.
It's true.
It is.
It is true.
Like, guys like watching porn.
Before porn, that's what it was.
Yeah.
Well, girls have always been into erotic literature.
And some of it's like, you remember the Fifty Shades of Grey stuff?
Come on, man.
That was like.
All of a sudden, ladies wanted to get spit on and choked.
Like, what's happening?
My friends would tell me these stories.
Like, she told me to spit in her mouth.
I was like, what?
Did you do it?
I know my stepdad was like, your mom wants me to push her against the drywall.
I was like, what?
What the fuck?
This is an inside thought, George.
It got real weird for a while.
But then it kind of died off and went back into the shadows.
But romance novels, like pornographic romance novels.
That was the first way.
But they're not pornographic, like, visually.
Even, like, the way they depict sex is like a feminine way of doing it.
But Fifty Shades of Grey, I think, was like.
That was graphic.
Yeah.
What the fuck?
What the fuck was that all about, ladies?
Who are you hiding?
And then there was the Twilight one.
You want a vampire that loves you and doesn't want to eat you.
I'll never understand that.
Yeah, I'll never.
You want some dude who kills people.
I guess it's not for us.
Sucks their blood.
He's been around for 1,700 years.
You're only 16.
The whole relationship is disgusting.
This is disgusting.
You're 1,000 years old.
That's a weird kink.
You've got a 16-year-old girlfriend.
I know.
What do you talk about?
Also, the werewolves and, like, the, yeah, just having.
He was alive when Cleopatra was here.
And he's talking to a fucking 17-year-old.
This is stupid.
Would you judge someone more that was into vampires or feet?
Vampires, for sure.
Yeah.
Feet's not that weird.
It's not that weird, I guess.
It's kind of, you know, they're cute.
They look good.
Yeah.
You could justify feet.
It makes sense, I guess.
Yeah.
The vampire one is nuts.
Yeah.
Like, how old was the vampire in Twilight?
He wasn't that old.
They were in high school, maybe, right?
No, but he wasn't that old.
Like I was saying, he was alive from Cleopatra.
That's bullshit.
He's really probably only, like, supposed to be a couple hundred years old.
Right?
Is that the case?
I never saw it.
I thought he was supposed to be real old, though.
At least a hundred.
Imagine a hundred-year-old guy pretending he's got to pretend and hang out in
high school.
That's how he fits in.
That's how he fits in.
A hundred-year-old guy is going to force himself to go to high school.
Yeah, that's weird.
How old was he?
A hundred and four.
A hundred and four.
Okay.
He's like, in high school.
By the way, so big.
Hanging out.
Yeah, he didn't even look handsome as fuck.
Handsome as fuck, dude.
But super pale.
Something was up.
Well, you're in Seattle.
You can get away with it up there.
Totally.
I went to the, I think it was opening night of Twilight.
When I did this movie, The Heat, it was after Bridesmaids, Paul Feig, did this
movie called
The Heat with Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy.
It's like a big, you know, buddy cop.
And I played one of the bad guys.
First big movie, summer blockbuster.
I'm like, I heard the trailer was being played during Twilight.
And I was like, never see myself in a trailer.
So my buddy's like, we got to go to fucking, it was like, they're playing the R-rated
trailer,
the red trailer.
So we go to Twilight on like opening night at the Arclight in Hollywood.
R.I.P.
And it's just all like, what, I don't know, 10 to 16 year old girls, the whole
theater.
And then just me and my buddy just baked out of our minds, like very out of
place.
And everything's coming on.
They're like announcing all the cast.
All the girls are going nuts.
But by the way, they didn't play the trailer at all.
So we're sitting there and he's like, I'm like, all right, let's get the fuck
out of here.
I don't want to watch Twilight.
He's like, well, we're here.
We should watch.
I'm like, best of luck.
And I bounce.
So I've never seen it.
Any of the Twilight movies.
They're not terrible.
They're not.
They're not terrible, but they're odd.
And I don't necessarily think they're made for boys.
I think it's a weird lady fantasy.
It is.
No, yeah, it's for the girls.
Yeah.
Which is our equivalent.
It's a weird lady fantasy.
But it's very odd that there's a vampire movie that's specifically for ladies.
You know what our equivalent is?
What?
Weird Science.
The show?
No, the movie.
Weird Science.
Oh, that's right.
Remember when the two guys make the woman on their computer?
Oh, that's right.
Come on, dude.
Anthony Michael Hall.
I forgot about that.
Great movie.
Jamie?
Who's that lady?
Jamie, pull up the whole movie.
Let's watch the whole movie.
That lady is very beautiful.
Who was that?
Kelly LeBrock.
Kelly LeBrock.
British, I think.
Yeah, she was the super hottie back in the day.
They made her a lab.
Bro, that was one of the first movies I remember seeing being like, okay, what
is this dick
really for?
Weird Science.
Great.
Oh, yeah, dude.
Yeah.
Oh, not Anthony Michael Hall.
Oh, wait.
No, that's a remake.
Yeah.
Anthony Michael Hall was the first one.
That's a TV show.
Oh, there was a TV show.
And was that Bill Paxton as the crazy brother?
Yeah, dude.
Who made that?
John Hughes.
Come on.
Just had his finger on the pulse of cool.
Wow.
How did they make her?
What was the ingredient?
It was just...
Great question.
You know?
It was...
You sound like one of the parents trying to recreate her.
So how did they make that girl, by the way?
This is Wyatt and Gary.
I give her Wom Digis mammograms.
Wom Digis?
Wow.
Oh, look.
They have a computer.
Out of this world.
Yeah, dude.
Alive!
What would you little maniacs like to do first?
Oh, my God.
That's her opening question?
Weird science.
If you want to be a party animal, you have to learn to live in the jungle.
Not us.
Not here.
No way.
She is turning their lives.
Trust me for once, will you?
What is going on?
Gary, I don't know.
I don't know.
Their minds.
Taylor is crazy.
She just wanted to make them cool, right?
She didn't even want to fuck.
No.
You know they must have been like, dude, did you not put in the right code?
She's here to take us to dinner.
Yeah, why would you stop with that?
Let's try one that doesn't talk as much.
Let's try the next one.
I think they just did it on their computer.
It was just like a bunch of-
It was so easy to do back then.
Such a funny thing, too.
We were just so trusting.
We're like, that's probably how you do it if you were going to do it.
That's how stupid it is.
Just put a bunch of numbers in a computer and your door to your bedroom
explodes.
I know.
Make the boobs bigger.
That's so ridiculous.
Crazy.
It's funny because people probably thought, one day.
Yeah.
And they might be right.
According to the plot, they hooked some electrodes up and they hack into a
government
computer system for more power.
Oh, for more power.
Awesome, dude.
Believable plot.
Table for one.
Oh, as long as we have more power, we can just make a lady.
But I guess when you're watching that, yeah, you're just like, yeah, that's how-
What are the odds that it makes a hot lady?
Like, what are the odds that that works first time ever?
Two fucking high school kids figured out.
And we were like, take my money.
Tell me this amazing story.
Oh, yeah, dude.
I'm surprised there was no scary movie type parody of that, of them making the
wrong gal
or something, you know?
Oh, my God.
Like John Goodman in a wig comes out.
What year was that?
85.
85.
Good for us.
What year was Soul Man?
Probably like 89.
Soul Man.
I haven't seen Soul Man.
86.
What's that?
Oh.
Okay.
Go to that.
Yeah.
Soul Man.
C. Thomas Howell.
C. Thomas Howell pretends to be black.
So he'd go to a different school.
I forget how it happened.
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
Wait, what?
Bro, it's-
No.
Bro, it's crazy.
Julia Louis.
No.
Yeah.
It's not even good.
Oh, God.
What?
Oh, man.
Yeah, Julia Louis-Dreyfus is in it.
James Earl's in it.
Bro.
How did he sign off on this?
Because people didn't know any better back then.
Yeah.
All right.
Fair enough.
They didn't.
They were basically just climbing out of the caves.
And they were like, what year is this?
He intentionally takes too many tanning pills to turn his skin darker and gets
a scholarship.
Meant for African Americans.
Tanning pills.
He took tanning pills.
Like, as if they had tanning pills back then.
Is that pre-tanning bed?
What a dude.
Again.
I have a peptide now.
Now, do you think somebody pitched-
Well, they have a peptide now that can actually give you a tan.
What does it do?
Does it, like, just jack up your melanin?
Yeah.
What's a good melanin?
Somebody give that shit to Rachel Dolezal.
See if they take her back.
Oh, my God.
Did somebody pitch a-
Do you think somebody was like, we need a blackface movie?
But what's the story?
And they're like-
Well, it was a comedy.
He wants to be tan.
He takes too many.
He tans too hard.
It was a-
Yeah.
And he can't get into scholarship any other way?
Is that-
That must have been-
Is that part of it?
I guess, right?
He got a scholarship because he was black?
It says African-American studies.
Yeah.
Do you have to be African-American and study African-American studies?
That doesn't even make sense.
Yeah, we're finding some holes in this.
That's just as bad as weird science.
This is fucking-
This is more science fiction.
I found a New York Times 1985 article talking about warning pills about getting
an early tan.
They had pills for getting a tan back then.
Whoa.
What did it do?
I know, like, carrots will do that to you.
It says, FDA replied, canthanaxanin is not approved for use to be ingested to
color the human body.
What?
In oral tanning products, the use of canthanaxanin in oral tanning products is
illegal.
Tanning products have been seized under the provisions of the Food Drug and Cosmetic
Act and further attempts to import these tanning products-
Oh, it's all imported.
FDA warns that tanning pills contain food colorings that accumulate in the
blood, skin, fatty tissue, and organs, such as the liver.
They even cause the user's skin to acquire an-
They often cause the user's skin to acquire an orange tint.
I didn't take the pills.
I took no pills.
They told me to take the pills.
I said I don't need it.
I took a lot of those pills.
I tried.
I took too many of those pills.
Wouldn't you love the Biden cocktail what they would give him when he would
have to do, like, press conferences or a debate?
The debate cocktail must be extraordinary.
It was just Capri Sun and Plan B gummies.
Bro, it must be extraordinary.
It's got to be.
What happened to this guy?
Get a real tan.
Not a fake orange tan.
Suntan pills.
You can get a real tan.
Oh, my God.
That guy looks-
Yeah, he went from, like, white guy to-
That's not real.
I know.
That's not real.
No.
They put a filter on his ass.
But they used to be able to sell anything in the back of magazines and it would
just be a total scam.
Oh, really?
Oh, my God.
You knew it was a scam just because it was in the back of the mag or what?
They sell you x-ray goggles and all kinds of shit that didn't work.
Like SkyMall shit?
No, it was, like, the back of stupid magazines and stuff.
They were just fake ads.
There was no rules back then.
Fuck.
People would just scam people, sell you things that was totally horseshit.
And you're, like, you're stupid enough to send your money through the mail.
Yeah.
And you never got anything back.
I'll see some of that stuff on Amazon every now and then where I'm, like, how
is this up there?
Like, there's certain-
Amazon has a lot of fake products, unfortunately.
There's a lot of fake supplements that are sold on Amazon.
No way.
Yeah.
So, if you buy from a major company, like Pure Encapsulation-
Why don't they filter-
Tick-tock trend again somehow, obviously.
Oh, tick-tock trend again.
Tanning pills.
They're taking it again.
Yeah.
It's not surprising.
We love our pills.
America, what do we love?
Our free speech and our pills.
And our McDonald's.
We do enjoy a pill.
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What is the ... What's the ... Can you show me what it looks like?
Is there like a before and after taking that stuff?
That's what I was looking ... That's what I did.
That's what this guy was.
Yeah, but there's got to be like some modern people.
Are those ... That one's AI in the second row, right?
With that girl with the crazy eyes?
So, this guy took it.
Maybe.
Interesting.
He could have also just put tanning lotion on his skin.
I mean, that's the thing, too.
It's like those before and after weight loss things.
It's like, was it really the product or did you just take some time off?
We were talking about last night, Brendan Schaub and I, one time, we were
watching these
bodybuilders.
And, you know, bodybuilders used to dye all of their skin, including their face.
For what?
Well, the more, the darker your skin is, the more contrast, the more it shows
your muscles.
Gotcha.
So, when they get like real shredded and they dye their skin like super dark
brown.
I always wondered why they were all so ...
But now, after the woke stuff, it's become offensive to dye your face.
So, they dye their whole body and they leave their face white.
Hilarious.
So, they have chocolate body, full chocolate body, white face.
Oh, my God.
It's so silly.
A Neapolitan body.
It's so silly.
It's like, what are you doing?
Who got him?
Who came?
What is this craziness you've done here?
Who complained about that?
Look at him.
Look.
Oh!
Look how kooky that is.
That is kooky.
That's not even the kookiest.
There's some really kooky ones where people have white faces.
Dude, what are you doing?
There's a whole video of me and Schaub with a bunch of different examples of it
where we
thought it was really funny.
Man, the discipline of the bodybuilders.
It got weird because they ... Yeah, look at that guy.
That's ridiculous.
Oh, my gosh.
It's ridiculous because he can't do his face like that because he looks fully
black.
So now you just have to accept that this is how they're all going to come out
and look
on stage and just ... Well, that guy went for it.
He's like, fuck it.
Fuck it.
Fuck it.
I'm going blackface.
Yeah, that's Bered Brinstein.
Yeah.
You can kind of go brownface.
But if you want to get full chocolate body ... Some guys go full dark.
Dude, wow.
Like, so dark, they could be straight from Cameroon.
Can I ask you ... That guy's pretty dark right there.
I mean ... Damn, look at those quads.
That's what I want to know, and I mean no disrespect by this.
What ... What ... Why?
Why ... Like, what makes you want to have ... There was a girl I went to
elementary school
with, and she, for a little bit, became a bodybuilder.
And I think you ... I looked at it as ... She had kids.
I think she was maybe midlife crisis and was just like, I want to do something
where I
push myself and get into shredded, amazing shape, is how I viewed it from a
Facebook vantage
point.
But, like, is this in you as a kid?
Is it like you have a thirst for working out, and then you just go too far?
Or is it the same way we, like, stand up and have an addiction to that and a
love for
it?
Is it really, like, I want to compete and win at this?
It's not just about looking good.
It's about, like, having the best instrument and competing against other bodies
and having
the best body.
Is that ... Well, litter is a bodybuilding competition.
Right, but, like, why ... Like, to have your legs look like that, what is the
... Different
people like different things, Adam Ray.
All right.
You know?
And they clearly like being jacked.
Yeah.
They like looking like that.
Yeah.
They like being ... They look like a fucking living human incredible hulk.
Yeah.
They like it.
Yeah.
You know?
And they're still just people.
I mean, it's ... People have always been fascinated by extreme bodies.
That's why Pumping Iron was such a big film.
People are fascinated by people that are willing to do this and go that far
with something.
Yeah.
Here's the question, though.
What bothers you about it?
Does it bother you, like, it's a waste of time?
Oh, no, no, no.
Why would you want to do that?
I guess why.
I guess it's just so far.
Here's my question.
If they had a pill and I give you this pill and all of a sudden you look like
that, are
you taking it or not?
Well, let me ...
No work.
So when I ...
It's the lottery and a pill.
So let me answer that question.
Okay.
When I played Vince McMahon on The Rock Show about his life for a few seasons
on NBC, I got
a trainer to bulk up.
I got a little bigger.
Not Vince big.
But there was a moment where a friend of mine came to me and was like, there's
an easy way
and there's a ... not an easy way.
And I was like, what's easy way?
And he did suggest, like, some crazy shit.
And I was like, I don't think I want to be ... look like that unless the show
really asked
me.
But I don't think I would.
Would you want to look like Canelo Alvarez?
Sure.
Yeah.
So you're in a pill?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You'd take that.
Yeah.
You'd take really good muscular physique.
Nothing crazy.
Nothing crazy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And no judgment.
Maybe I ...
But you would take that pill, right?
Sure.
All right.
I guess I'm more impressed ...
That was when Vince was 100 years old.
I'm more impressed by the, I guess, the discipline of what you must have to do.
Because I know that it's not just like taking stuff to make your legs look that
defined and
muscular.
Like there's ...
To be that guy at his age, that's bananas.
Because you look at Vince McMahon's build, I don't give a fuck how old he is.
I don't care if he's 80.
I don't care if he's 40.
Like if you're built that way, you're putting in hours, period.
You're putting in hours.
There's no way around it.
Like steroids don't make you grow.
They make you recover.
Yep.
I mean, they do make you grow a little.
I think if you ...
I think the ... If you just took them and didn't do any work at all, I think
they do put some
muscle on you.
But that kind of muscle is continual work over decades.
That guy's super jacked.
Yeah.
That's why I'm so split on the baseball steroid stuff where it's like Barry Bonds.
Yeah.
He took ...
It's the only thing fun about the game.
Give them the roids.
Give them the roids.
Let them hit the ball.
Are we fucking stupid?
Do you want to compete with China or no?
That's so funny.
America!
Do we have the means?
Yes, we do.
Do we know how it works?
Yes, we do.
But what are we doing skinny?
That's so funny.
What are we going to get all these skinny hitters for?
That's so funny.
Oh, we've got to make sure no one's cheating.
Make it legal.
Hit all the home runs.
Make it legal.
Make it mandatory.
I want every baseball player to be roided out of his mind.
Just giant fucking superhero looking dudes who crush it into the fucking
parking lot.
Crack!
I want baseball bats broken like five out of ten games.
Greg Giraldo had a great old joke.
He goes, I want Barry Bonds to come out as one giant chest muscle.
And he was saying how it's so fucked that Congress was cracking down on that
and taking
away records.
He goes, you're taking away records.
He goes, you know what else?
He goes, because they say it's an illicit substance.
You know what else is an illicit substance?
Crack!
Okay, no one's taking gold records away from Whitney Houston.
One of my favorite Toronto jokes.
That's a great joke.
Come on.
But he's right.
That's a great joke.
And you're right, I think.
I mean, it is home runs.
I did a TV show with Barry Bonds.
Please, the floor is yours.
There was a show that I did, a baseball show called Hardball, where I played
this baseball
player.
And one of the episodes, it was Barry Bonds, was...
Like, the guest for the day.
Super nice guy.
Cool.
But he was normal-sized Barry Bonds back then.
Still ripping it, by the way.
Oh, yeah.
Still, like, one of the best baseball players of all time.
And super nice guy.
Yeah.
Like, real friendly to everybody.
And it was just like, holy shit, that's Barry Bonds.
Like, this show must be for real.
It wasn't for real.
It got canceled.
Fuck!
The show died.
But we did get Barry Bonds.
That's awesome.
But it was interesting, because I got to see him as normal-sized Barry Bonds.
Yeah.
And then he got...
There was a difference.
Fucking jacked.
Dude, it's like...
Bro, he got fucking jacked.
Significant.
But you still have the hand-eye coordination.
You still have to hit the ball.
Oh, 100%, man.
It's not making your eyes clear, right?
It's not like...
It's definitely making your body perform better, and on top of that, recover
quicker.
So you can do more work.
So that's the main reason people do it, is the recovery.
Oh, yeah.
Well, not just the big...
Not just recovery, but your ability to work.
Like, especially guys who take EPO.
Like, that was with the Lance Armstrong stuff, and the cyclists.
What they're doing is so difficult for your body to compete in, like, Tour de
France.
Notice how I said France?
Like, I'm sophisticated.
Yeah, it's really good.
Tour de France.
I felt so pretentious.
You gotta do that.
You really did.
I felt pretentious after I said France.
I was like, ew.
You wear it well.
Ew.
It's been argued, and I think successfully, that it's healthier to do that
event on drugs.
Right.
It's healthier to be taking steroids and EPO for your body, because you're
asking so much
of your body.
It's so taxing.
It's so fucking absolutely brutal that it's like, you probably should take
something.
But the problem was, you weren't supposed to, and everybody was.
And they were, like, blood doping and doing all kinds of crazy things.
God damn.
Did you ever see that documentary, Icarus?
No.
Oh, my God, dude.
Put it in the queue.
You want to talk about a documentary that you have to watch?
Yeah.
Award winning, won a bunch of awards.
It's fucking incredible.
And it's the most, like, the circumstances just laid out so perfectly.
Like, it was meant to be.
So this guy, he does this documentary, and Brian Fogle, right?
Brian Fogle, great guy, was a guest on the podcast a couple times, did this
documentary
where he's a cyclist, and he wanted to cycle this race, compete in this race,
natural, and
then hire someone to show him exactly how to cheat and take everything that,
like, a cheater
would take, and just take all the steroids and all the EPO and all that stuff,
and then
do the same race and see what the score is, see the differences.
So he hires this guy who's the head of the Russian anti-doping organization.
Well, while he is hiring this guy, while the guy is prescribing him steroids
and telling
him what to take, that guy gets in trouble, because it turns out they had doped
the entire
Sochi Olympics team, the entire Russian team.
There was this huge scandal.
They had drilled a hole in the wall, and they were passing the dirty piss
through, and they
were getting a new bottle of clean piss.
No way.
And they found it through microscopic scratches in these supposedly unopenable
jars.
These jars are supposed to be impossible to open, and so once they sealed them
off, they
felt like these will be sealed until we open it.
Well, then the Russians figured out a way to open the jars, and then they would
swap out
the piss and put in the good piss.
Oh, my God.
Crazy.
So now this guy lays out exactly how he did it in the documentary.
He lays out the whole program, and then he's on the run.
So now he's in America, and he's in, like, witness protection program.
Like, they want to kill him.
Currently?
Yes, currently.
He's in hiding right now.
And the documentary is wild.
You should get Danny the Dick.
What's his name?
Danny the Private Investigator.
Danny Dick.
What's his name?
Dave Dolan.
Dickless.
Dave Dolan.
He's dead now, unfortunately.
Fuck.
Yeah.
That's why you said that.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
So when they...
So after this, the Russians got banned.
I think it was the Rio Olympics was next after that, and they couldn't compete.
They couldn't compete as Russians.
They had to compete as...
They had to be independent.
Damn.
They couldn't represent Russia if they wanted to compete in the Olympics.
To go to that extent to pull that off is just...
He said they doped up everybody except the figure skaters.
He said the figure skaters, it didn't seem to give them any improvement,
because it was
all just really fine motor skills.
So they were probably doing it for a while to see how it...
They tried everything.
To do a trial and error.
They tried everything on everybody.
This is what happens when you have a military-run country that puts so much
pride in the accomplishments
of its athletes.
It's very important that its athletes show dominance.
And Russia shows dominance in Olympics in the most manly of events.
Their wrestling is as good as any country on earth.
It may be better.
It was a Russian figure skater doping situation in 2022.
She was 15.
She tested positive for the banned heart medication, Tremetazidine.
You're on that, right?
A sample collected from the Russian National Championships December 2021.
The result only reported because of Beijing Olympics in February 2022 after she
had already competed.
Did she have a heart problem?
I mean, is that like a medication that she's supposed to take?
I mean, I had the Court of Arbitration banned her for four years.
Wow.
Interesting.
So, well, okay.
Well, let's put in what is that heart medication?
Due to a contamination of a strawberry dessert prepared on the same table as
her grandfather's
heart medication pills was the explanation.
And she said it was ultimately rejected as implausible.
Let's find out what the positive effects of taking that drug would be.
Put in that drug and then put in performance enhancing.
What do you think?
I mean...
You think it's got a performance enhancing, a heart medication?
I think so.
What does perplexity say?
Probably like EPO.
Metabolic modulator.
Yeah, increases blood flow to the heart.
Stimulates...
It enhances physical efficiency and endurance by improving how the body uses
energy, particularly
by shifting energy substrate used from fatty acids to glucose oxidation.
It increases blood flow to the heart and stimulates glucose metabolism,
resulting in better endurance
performance.
Its effects are different from typical muscle building or stimulant-like
performance enhancers.
Rather, it may improve exercise capacity, stamina, and reduce fatigue by
optimizing mitochondrial function and cardiac energetics.
I want to get on it right now.
I was just going to say this sounds incredible.
Holy shit.
When Derek More Plates, More Dates comes on, bring that up.
Make a little bookmark.
Comedians that will never...
I mean, there's no doping for us, right?
No, except weed.
Weed is definitely a superpower.
But that's not like making you...
Yeah.
It's a superpower.
Weed's a superpower.
It's a superpower for self-deprecation, too.
You know, the one thing that, like, we were talking about the green room, the
guy who can't take a joke about himself.
He's never high.
No.
If you're high and someone makes fun of you, you're like, oh, no, you're right.
Will you have a little Eddie or a little puff before you go on stage, or do you
try to keep it clear?
Allegedly.
Nice and slow.
I like this guy.
That's how we do it.
I like this guy.
30 years.
You're going to have to be Johnny Depp's agent when I go and kill Tony and come
out briefly.
Oh, this is the question I forgot to ask about the 30 years thing.
What if you just take it all at once?
What percentage do you get?
I did find out you do get it all if you take it over 30 years.
And you get a 5% increase every year for inflation.
Yeah, but you get it all if you live 30 years.
Like, my point was, if I win the fucking lottery and I'm 24 years old, I ain't
making it 30 years.
It goes to your estate if you don't.
Fuck my estate.
I'm just saying.
I'm trying to ball out here.
What are you talking about?
I'm trying to ball, Jamie.
I'm trying to get a rose.
A jet, yeah.
I want diamonds in my T-fus.
But you go, well, you would, huh?
Full grill?
Yeah.
I'm surprised you haven't at this point.
Maybe one day.
Maybe when it all starts falling apart, I'll start doing heroin, get a grill.
I want to try crack.
At the very, it doesn't give me an exact...
Hunter Biden was talking about it.
It's like, it sounds wonderful.
It's not giving me an exact number.
At the very least, you got to take out the 37% for federal taxes.
37%?
37% the government takes 37% these mother fucker that's wild you didn't buy one
ticket you cunts fuck still income
And it's your money sucks you you buy the tickets and they're like yeah
We got all the money from it, but then we want more of your money, too. Yeah,
we want money money money money money money money money money money
And then what happens after that?
It says that depends on then state taxes depends on where you live because okay,
so 37%
But if you get one payout all at once is it the two billion no, I mean you'd
get like one point whatever the fuck it is
It's also lower, but it's not just the 37% taxes that get drawn out if you take
it in one payment you get less
It's giving me an on and a five hundred ninety three million dollar jackpot for
some reason the pre-tunk pre-tax lump-sum cash option is approximately
277.6
At a 500 it's almost 600 so you get less than half yeah
But you you get it right now. You're getting it tomorrow. I think that's what I
do. Yeah, I'm stupid
Yeah, I would do that take it all give me it all right now. I don't know what's
gonna happen tomorrow
Totally especially after I don't
Dude, I would man. I
Probably I'd probably go to like I'd go to Shaq. I'd be like you want to make
Kazam - I buy I'd buy a house near my folks
I definitely get on and go how much for our rocket whoa
You want your own you're serious? Bro if I got to if I got to Jeff Bezos money
for sure
I'm buying a rocket. Where you going with it?
Where ever Rancher Cucamonga wherever they're barely reusable there will be by
then if I get that old and that rich what happened
What happened to the the subway system that was supposed to go like LA to San
Fran like a minute?
What was that what no come on? They I feel like you thought the boring company
no no the boring thing was like it was that it was gonna be some sort of
The high-speed rail yeah, yeah yeah yeah well that was really just a money scam
Fuck they didn't do anything almost like helicopter. Uber was like I think
lasted for two days. How much did they spend on the high-speed rail?
project
Let's find that out. I did not say yes, I would not get on that. I don't think
that they've spent it all
But there was it says four billion dollars in federal funding Wow has
implications what a great idea
And how much have they built? Oh none?
They're like tired of what other company what other company imagine if you you
hired general dynamics
Whatever and said a how much for you guys to make me train and make it go
really fast
Yeah, and they said well, I think we could do it for about four billion like
okay
Let's do it thanks for the button you give them the money and then you know you
go back ten years later. You're busy
Like hey, how's the train doing how far you guys get not great? Not great. We
didn't get anywhere
Yeah, we didn't get anywhere. We don't have any more money, but I thought you
were telling you
What happened? Well, there's a lot of NGOs that are attached to this
You also bought a lot of Powerball tickets and we had a indigenous land. We
doesn't land acknowledgement
They have a smaller version in Florida and there are people dying all the time
Whoa, because people will think that they can beat it and they can't what wait
wait
They think because they think it then for there's tons of trains going all the
time
It's a normal train and you think you can get across and fat. Oh, so it's a lot
faster than the normal train
What kind of train is this it goes 125 miles an hour? Yeah, regular trains like
what 80
How many people 180 deaths making America's most dangerous passenger train it
just because people try to run across the tracks? Yeah, bro
That's so crazy. And now you put up stats like that and you got some psycho
kids that are like
Well, now look at all the people that have died now. We got to go test the
limits. Can you show me what it looks like when it goes by?
Is there a video of it going by?
It's the Randy Johnson of trains
I want to see drive-by. Yeah, there's gotta be a video. I want to see what that's
like. There was one that I just saw from
I think it was Japan. That's bananas
Can you imagine getting hit by a train? Oh, dude, that might be really it's be
instantaneous. Yeah, I guess you wouldn't feel anything
Let's see how fast it goes
Whoa, that's pretty quick. Yeah, that's scary. That's quick. See that again
Yeah, oh man
But the one in I think it was Japan
I think Japan has some new crazy high-speed one. That's like three times faster
than that. Why?
They want to get somewhere quick. Yeah
No time to waste motherfucker. I know time is money. Gotta get go. I know dude
That's really what it is. Yeah, they're making jets now that are going to be
supersonic again, you know after the car
Watch this motherfucker watch this
Yeah, wait, that's not a holy shit
Holy shit. No, that's not AI. This is japan's new train. It's 310 miles an hour
bro
Watch this. I don't watch this again. This is so crazy
Yeah, that didn't look that looked faster than the 180 but that so that's
probably saving how much time do you think?
If you're going so LA to San Fran is like
Time is money motherfucker. Time is money. They're so I want to keep everybody
safe
Let's go 35 miles an hour and then you know what you have to worry about
Train robbers they hop on board because it's so slow that you grab it
Oh, wow, is that what the speed increases for
Like when they're going uphill people so the train robbers would jump on board.
Oh, yeah, they'd wait
They'd wait to you about to go uphill what a cool life, dude
In my next life, I'm gonna be a train robber
Bro, don't do that. I don't know what it's Tokyo to Osaka and under an hour
Whoa, how far is that?
Don't give me kilometers
Don't you do it. Don't you dare give me kilometers. Why didn't they teach us
that in school?
Kilometers. Yeah, they could have
We could all be using that we could have abandoned this nonsense that makes us
confused
as to how the rest of the world measures things
Three hundred and seventy five
Whoa
Jesus christ
Three hundred and seventy five miles an hour is crazy
So it's and they've been fucking with this for a while and we just aren't doing
it because
They blew the money
But that was the only operation potentially to get it going
Some discussions have been talked about to get it going before either the which
won't happen the world cup or the olympics
In 2026
All we need is an additional four billion and we should be on schedule
They're like private
Of course we are
I love america
It's just so filled with crazy
Bullshit
So yeah, so it's so god damn good
A lot of fun stuff to talk about right now, right? Doesn't it?
Yeah
Do you find as a comic the crazier shit is the more fun it is on stage or no
for sure?
This is faster than either flying between the two cities or taking the one and
a half hour trip to the current
Taikaido line
Available with the Japanese rail pass a proposed route will include stops
stations at shingawa
sagami hara
kofu
lida and
Nakasugawa
Sorry, we'll go with that originally planned
Only extend as far as shingawa station the creation of the short underground
route to central tokyo
So how fast is it? I mean where how far is it going?
Does it say 40 minutes to
It's kind of an hour and a half. It doesn't say the distance
Okay, 177 miles 80 percent of the 177 miles will be located underground. Oh, jesus
christ
Five billion dollars scary
Oh, jesus christ
55
Do you imagine going 375 miles an hour underground?
A thousand people at a time though. Oh boy
That's like 10 planes you're making me nauseous
Yeah, even the new york subway sometimes goes too fast. You said video the
woman falling asleep god bless her dude
Everybody I think it was in san francisco, right? What a woman fell asleep at
the um
At the wheel for in the subway nobody died, but it she definitely
Went off the track for a minute. Oh, everybody fell over. Oh, shit. Yeah, and
then she and everybody was freaking out
And she opened the door and goes hey, chill out
We're fine
But like she very I mean, maybe she didn't remember that she's on camera
So like they got her just passing out. I mean, I'm surprised that doesn't
happen more honestly
Those are crazy hours. They're working. No, there was a person running that
still
Why don't they use ai psych? We got you you're on my new hidden camera show. We
got you there. We got you there
That's how it works. No, there is a yeah
AI for the subway. That's how ai takes over everything you have these kind of
conversations
Why don't they just use ai for that and they as like you're right you should
use us
We could make it so efficient
That it's 99.9 percent safe as opposed to the current level of 98 safe
That was really good
We could approximately save five million lives over the course of the next 20
years
Is that what ai this lady just fell asleep? Yeah
Oh, so she's on like a
A real yeah, it's like outside in san francisco. Oh
50 miles an hour
It is surprising that with the way most just fell asleep. Yeah, oh my god just
derailed didn't crash
Oh my god, that's so nuts
And she I just thought it was funny that she was like chill out
We're fine cold
Wow boom look at that. Can you imagine oh?
Whoa, that's nuts people went down
That is nuts
hands in her pockets like
Yeah, you gotta you gotta be 10 and 2. She got great lashes though. Yeah
Great eyelashes. Yeah, man, that's crazy. I they should have a computer running
that thing
Have you done the way mo yet? No
Yeah, okay. Thank you. I'm not gonna be a traitor to the human race
This is logic first shot across the bow in the robot war
Yeah, except the fact that robots gonna drive you everywhere. I don't want that
Meanwhile drove my tesla here today. It's fine. It's basically the same thing
It's pretending i'm in control. Is it awesome doing a great job steering Joe
awesome. Oh, it's incredible
It drives itself fuck if I wanted to I don't ever do it
But if I wanted to I could put an address go
And it just goes there stops at every stop sign stops at every stop light
changes lanes when there's an obstruction
So you don't have the trust built enough to like allow it to take you
I don't like it
I like to drive. Yeah, me too. I want to drive. Yeah, it's fun. I like driving
and I like being aware of stuff and paying attention
I don't want to just drift off and just like let the computer do the work, but
that's coming
It's coming. Are you a road trip guy? Yeah, no, I don't have time for road. You
don't yeah
I'm sorry I asked you that question
Are you a road trip guy as soon as I came out of my mouth a go
Winnebago with the kids in the back
All right across the country. That's me. Yeah
Yeah, I mean
I mean the amount of gigs early on that I drew the amount of times I went from
LA to San Diego or LA to Santa Barbara
LA to San Fran or sack for eight ten minutes
I remember triply had some room and Santa Barbara. I would drive
Eight minutes then come back then host the fear factor live show at universal
The next morning at 9:00 a.m. Just for and I'd drive Sam out there or whoever
it was just to get time
But I always liked it
Wow, but as far as like a cross-country road trip
I I don't know that's not a road trip though. That's just road work
Yeah, but five six hours
Yeah, it's like a road trip. It's well. It's a lot of driving. That's for damn
sure. Yeah. Oh, but okay
I guess but road trip a classic road trip
Yeah, like uh, not even for work
Just like a road trip just go on a trip see the country pull into places
Yeah, I'd like to do it
I mean
I
Do you ever do you take time off?
I will next week
For real?
Yeah, I'll just go home to see
You're not convincing
I know
Well, just because I have
I mean, it's like we have the last field show coming up. I'm on the road
With club dates for the rest of the year and then I start my theater tour first
theater tour
January through april of next year, so that's on sale right now adamraycomi.com
But I don't know so many shows and then last fill and then
Writing a bunch I don't know i'm there's to me there's not enough time of the
day
But going home to seattle for thanksgiving will be the shutdown because I
remember my nieces and nephews
I want to have you know a lot of time to kick with my mom and did you start
stand up up there?
I did one open mic before I moved to la just to feel like I did it and then
when I went to sc01 to 05
Started in 07 is when I like
Jumped in I did a few frat parties during college
Only going off the confidence that I did it once in seattle
For whatever reason that you know, you need the delusion to start
Even trying to do stand-up right so for whatever reason I was able to ride the
Experience of once in seattle and go up at a frat party and just bomb
I mean
I gotta find that footage
I got a few laughs when I made fun of bike cops and then I did a little crowd
work because
The girl started booing I was for it was before a band and the band was an hour
late
And then I had the balls to do all 30 minutes that I practiced
I should have done five and gotten off because the band was ready, but I was
like I practice 30. I'm doing 30
Can you imagine?
And then this girl started yelling shit out and I yelled shit back and got some
laughs and that's all I remember about it
My buddies remember just got got off and they were like
Man, that was how long were you up there never a good sign nothing about what
you did, but
But really started in 07
Uh at the store and and uh
Everywhere yeah, you do need that delusion in the beginning a thousand percent
Yeah, you need to be slightly delusional because the dream is so ridiculous
It's so you there's there can't be any part of you
That's like do people really want to hear what I have to say or am I really
funny?
I mean, it's just like
And I you know, I had done plays so I was felt comfy on stage
But that's what's so funny when you know, there's a
Kid that i'm not mentoring but just giving advice to every time he asked and
He's unfortunately looking for
You know, I think with just clips and everything now he's just like he's
looking for shortcuts and i'm like
I don't want to tell him not to do it, but i'm like
Man, you're just like you're not
Focused on kind of what I was telling you which is control you can control
which is getting on stage all the time writing all the time
Living a life worth writing about is what I tell
This kid a lot because i'm like if you find yourself
He's a little too isolated and i'm like you need to get your job back
So you're just accumulating life experience having things to to pull from but
uh
Yeah, I can't imagine starting now
Well, it's gotta be
Because you're so focused on like I gotta get that clip
Uh-huh now it's gotta it's a different sort of environment right the clip
environment like that's how guys are promoting
Their work now. It's like when it's a blessing and a curse
It's definitely a blessing
The only the only curse would be because it doesn't preclude you from still
doing a lot of open mics
It doesn't preclude you from working and and you know opening for people and
but it can
Give you like an undue amount of success
Like if you have like a really good crowd work video and then a bunch of people
come out to see you
But you really only have 10 minutes. Yeah, you know, which happens to some
folks. Yeah
Because it's tricky and you don't necessarily want people watching you the
first year or the first two years
Even maybe in the first three. Oh my mom came out to see me too soon
It was bad. I did a joke. Let me see if I can remember I said something about I
was raised
So stupid just a classic misdirect I go like I was raised by a single mom. I
grew up with just my mom and my sister
so
so I was like sensitive and blah blah blah and
Making a joke about maybe being gay because I was raised by two women so I go
so my mom taught me to like be kind and
And nice and take a guy out to dinner before you lick his asshole and like
would get about this response
And then I would go just kidding. I wouldn't take him to dinner
Bro, that was maybe my third time on stage and my mom came to that show
It's my sweet mom little jew from Oklahoma. She just I remember after the show.
She just goes
Did you have fun?
But the delusion to think like I don't care if mom's here. I'm doing the joke I
wrote. I mean if you can call that a joke, but
Well, yeah
Well, it's also a part of being young too and you're young. You're just
especially dudes. We're just stupid
We are. Yeah, and you think you could do anything
Dumb ass
But but eventually you can you know
That's the thing it's like you're gonna have to suck at the beginning
It's just with everything you do
You know if you picked up ping-pong tomorrow, you're gonna fucking suck. I
thought about that ping-pong
I thought about trying to I love ping-pong. Do you? Oh, I love it. Really? Oh,
I fucking love it, dude
It's so it's probably how I don't know how pool is for you, but like
It's relaxing even though. I know it's a little and it's and I shoot the shit a
lot with whoever I'm playing with
It's a real like mindless almost
Um, because I don't play video games really anymore and what happened. Why'd
you stop?
Moved out of my apartment left the table there
I have space now have a house. I should fucking definitely buy one
I'll suck you back into that dark hole
That dark pong hole that dark hole of video games
Um, and I feel games are too good right now. Oh, I do give me no. Thanks. They're
too good
I played halo over last holidays with my brother and I I was really high. He
was not and
I started to like I just had panic attacks. It was too real. My heart was palpitating.
I was just like
He and he he got in my head. He was like dude. I can't believe you let our guy
die
And I was like, whoa, he's like, he's got a family. I was like, it was too much
Yeah, maybe it's not for you. No, Jamie. What was that?
Did I send you that thing with those goggles that you could use on steam?
Dude, your brain is awesome
I'm so glad we're going back this because when you brought up the goggles
earlier
I was like fuck we got off that but I'm really curious about that
So thanks for getting us back there this steam goggles is some new thing that I
saw that there's like a
component that goes on the outside and there's a battery pack and it can either
directly sync up to your computer or it works as a standalone and
It's showing you like AR all the video games that are on steam
It seems fucking nuts, right?
Right, but there's a new one that's supposed to be even better. That's that's
the one that I sent you I sent you that video, right?
Yeah, but I'm just saying like this it's not I don't want to shit on it too bad,
but it's do please do it's not because I want it
Yeah, it's not unfortunately like you can do this now
Okay, but my point is this is supposed to be really good the new one and you
you could play games
Like what games are on steam the steam steam have quake
So that that's a misunderstanding. I think you're misunderstanding that a
little bit
You can't play any game that's on steam. That's not what that meant
I guess so vr games are available through steam and you generally have to
connect a wire or something
I remember that giant setup. We used to have back. Yes
We were playing those games all through steam okay, and we had it set up
through a wire yeah
And so like the on uh, like an oculus headset
Which is what this is sort of comparing itself to right you have to download
those games directly to that or like
Have it connected to your phone right and without an extra wire or another
device
You couldn't easily play steam games before
Recently, but you kind of can now and so that they've updated the device like
okay. We'll do that too though
You can just put all that tech in a this is my question the obvious one how
long
Before you can play vr quake that said they'd have to develop that and they're
not I don't think that they want to and also
On a multi-directional
It's vr quake. It's too fast you'd get sick you would throw up you'd get sick
Yeah, you get everyone we're fine
There's no good movement. I'd be fine. There's no good movement. I'd feel great.
I'm just saying this
I'd do it fasted. Yeah, it's not I
I could put the roller coaster thing on free right now. You probably get real
crazy. No, that's a hard pass
Yeah, hard no, i'm sure i'm kidding, but I want to try
I just feel like if they really did vr quake and you're you're on one of those
try you ever see those
They strap you in at the waist these treadmills. No, and it's like a circle and
you can run in any direction
No, yeah, it's like a contained circle cool. What are they called multi-directional
treadmills?
Is that what they're called omni omni directional treadmills? So it's like
It's kind of like you're attached with like cables and you just run on this
treadmill and you know
You're running and shooting at things and like you're probably getting some
legitimate exercise
One thousand percent you are especially if you're doing some game where you got
to run from zombies
You know, you're running you're fucking gunning them down and you're running.
Oh, yeah down zombies probably
Amazing didn't develop something that's not available yet. They call it the
hollow tile
Which is an updated version of that which doesn't have to be on a treadmill
like you're you're not attached to anything
This guy's just standing still and walking
Whoa, but this again like
But wait a minute. Are they like beads?
How's that working? I caught dr disney. I don't fucking okay
But that doesn't seem like you can go fast
Well, that's the you can't really go fast in this either. You can't go fast
No, no one has your mom
If if everyone really liked it, it was that good
I would me and red band what I was gonna say red band is all over this, right?
Yeah, we and it's just it's not that good
Well, what's it look like now?
Let me see what we got
Let me see a dude doing it total game changer
That's that guy's I know sandals and tell me if you want to be him
Wait, here's his david o verified buyer. Let me read this
That dude's got sandals with socks on
I love my Omni one it has been a total game changer game changer in just four
months of thrilling action-packed gaming
It has shattered my weight loss plateau and dropped an incredible 40 additional
pounds all while having an absolute blast
See, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, it'd be legitimate exercise
Yeah, are those that's his sneakers that are strapped in
I thought he was wearing socks with sandals
Like that is the wackiest shit. That seems kind of you have to do it
Most people don't want to be active while they're playing video games. It's
just they're counterintuitive things
Yeah, yeah, but we're not talking about most people, Jamie
We're talking about a couple of athletes. I'm talking about me wanting that
thing yeah in my life
So when when he's running on that thing, what does it look like?
Can we show me a video of someone using one like I'd be down to go to the prehistoric
era and
Chase fight kill whatever it is dinosaurs, but be moving and shaking right yeah
Versus just being stationary. Yeah, I want to run yeah some stuff. I want bats
chase virtual reality
It should be as real as possible supposed to be scary
I mean, that's and also you get a workout in oh, that looks actually kind of
cool
Look how he's going so far forward there to do that like that's not
Hmm comfortable, but is he doing that on purpose?
Probably not. He's probably trying to make it work. Oh bro. This looks awesome.
You're you are not
dissuading me
This looks amazing. This looks awesome. This could be the only god the problem
to this could be the only game that works
I want to shoot those things got to get martin phillips
What other is whatever the things are happening in that game?
This is kind of my point with all of you
I've tried to tell you before if someone made a really good game by now 10
years into this
Everybody would know about it. We would have talked about it. Yeah bunch. Yeah,
okay
What just not what games can you play with this setup?
I've never I don't know. I don't know any way that's ever used well
Let's find out on the outside of the shoes
What are those he's got something on the outside of his neck right?
It's like a strapped on thing just like the other one was
It's so funny to see how far we've come remember the nintendo trackpad. I mean
dude. We are just leaps and bounds
Past that I think those things must have some sort of a sensor that lets you
know where the foot is at any given time
That makes sense, right? So the game would know that would be the way the game
would detect whether or not you're moving forward
Oh
This seems so awesome
Well with all the stuff they do with the motion capture for the sports games is
pretty incredible
But if you could play games like quake
Where you could actually be holding up a plastic rifle
And you're running down these hallways shooting down monsters and shit
Well think about playing if you were playing like a madden and you could like
feel the impact of taking a hit or
Running like I did that was not as in the middle of this
uh, you know those gel blaster things
What's that like tony gives away at kill tony?
Yeah, it's like a little bb gun. Yeah, it's in the
It's a little blaster gel blasts little gel bbs. I guess okay
They've hooked it up and made it computerized and you have sensors on like vr
or like laser tag
It's in the middle laser tag. That's fun
You put up giant things for you to run around cool
And it's scoring the whole time cool voices talking to you and say like good
job
You did it like watch your health get back
Reload birthday party idea joe have you ever done?
That was really fun. Yes, I did paintball when I lived in boston. There was
this place that had like
It was like a warehouse that had all black lights cool and you had neon paint
balls
Oh my god, and you had wars like with other teams. It was so much fun
It's the best and when I did it outdoors. Oh, yeah
They fucking light you up. It's real pain. Yeah
When they hit you you're like, oh shit that hurts. Oh, yeah, actually hurts
I got one the lower back and shit. Yeah, it's fun. It is fun. It's very
exciting. They still do it, right?
Oh, fuck. Yeah, they do it. People get super serious
They have like really sophisticated paintball guns now where they can shoot
like multiple rounds like semi-automatic paintball
Oh my god, like a big giant bottle at the bottom filled with paintballs
Yeah, it's crazy. I did my buddy did one for a work
Like team bonding thing. Oh, he's like it did not end. Well like people were
fucking just it was almost like
A work conference where people got fucked up and maybe cheated. It was just
like a version of just people taken out
Just people be you know, just cheap shots and also people getting hit and going
after people they didn't like and yeah
But you know, yeah
Backfired there. Oh, no. Yeah, we're getting their aggressions out and their
employees shooting them. Yeah, fuck you Joyce
Sally you shot her in the face. Oh my god. She's on your team. Well, I made it
better. Bitch is never on my team
Pulling hair
Oh my god. High heels in the air. That's so funny
Oh my god
She's never on my team. Fuck that bitch. Yeah, you imagine having to work with
someone you hate
Imagine like eight hours every day with someone you fucking hate
Doing something you hate with someone you hate some shitty fucking person you
share cubicle with
No, man, right next to you writing it. Yeah, right next to you talking shit
That fucking bitch and there's no way to spin it. Yeah, you're stuck
And then you got to like behave with the office culture and I bagged groceries
at Albertsons for a little bit
And there were some people there that sucks, but like, you know, I didn't see
them every like
Yeah, you're moving around moving around. Yeah
You're doing stuff. Oh, but if you're locked in a cube. Oh
What a bummer. That's a fucking horrible way to live your life. Thank god.
Thank god. We were delusional. Thank god
Right, we need more delusional people out there. That's why I'm a big supporter
of Adderall
Like more people. All right quick little sponsor. Yeah, I did it once did you I
did it once and I went out to I was doing
Uh, there's a year after I graduated and my buddy was like come out to the west
hollywood halloween party with me
He's like it's supposed to be crazy like 200 000 people. I don't know if you
ever in la saw that it was like up and down
Santa monica boulevard just the
Ultimate chaos right in the uh, the gay part la and so
I was like oh i'm gonna do some content then
So I got my buddy with a camera to like interview people because the costumes
jeff scott from the store used to go down there all the time
The cost he would build elaborate costumes people would spend I mean
I talked to a guy who said he spent 80 grand on a full batman suit
I'm not joking so I and and there was a guy there was a guy adam and eve
They're just buck naked with a couple things. I'm just talking to everybody. I
think it I made it taken off my youtube
but uh
I was so tired and my buddy was like you want an adderall and I've never done
it and joe
I felt I have never done it since I was 2006. I felt unbelievable dude. That's
what scares me
I felt unbelievable and I was locked in dude
You were selling me something right there. You were ready to sell some real
estate. I've never snapped at anybody
It was a bit
Yeah, it's weird, right? Yeah, I was so focused but I didn't feel like my heart
was racing too fast. It was incredible. Yeah, that's the problem
It sounds incredible. It's like when hunter biden describes crack
Like that sounds incredible. Well, the only reason I didn't do it is because it
sounded too good
Yeah, you know under my administration. We had the first black mermaid
Who's that?
Biden who's the black mermaid the little mermaid that was black. Oh, that's
right. I forgot. Yeah
I missed that. I missed that outrage. Okay. Yeah
Great name for a title of a special outrage. I missed that outrage. Oh, yeah,
maybe it's a little long
No, it's not bad. Missed that outrage you jamming on another on another one
I am putting together material now
you know that the weird process of subtraction
Deletion edition expansion
It's like fucking around
I'm doing it at my own pace. Yeah, so I'm not thinking about I'm just thinking
about
Having fun and I'm doing things that I find interesting like you know, it's
like
You don't need to I mean what it having
What's up? Go ahead. No, I was gonna say having a club and having to not go on
the road is huge
Yeah, and it gives you a chance to like I think sometimes when uh, I don't know
A lot of people have this issue like you do a special and then you're supposed
to go on tour
Like four or five months later and you don't really have enough material yet
So you start putting together stuff that you think will work rather than stuff
that you really like
Whoa, you know, yep
Yeah, so that's that's where my head's at yeah
Talk about stuff you really like and sometimes it's it's hard like the subjects
that i'm really interested in right now
Some of them are just not that funny
They're just too weird
It's hard to figure out a way to make some of these ideas
Into comedy when you're giving yourself ample time to marinate and play around
if you don't have like a i'm gonna shoot something in
Yeah, I mean, I don't know having I guess there's again. Goals are good, too
Totally because they force you to work they force you to like you have like a
sense of urgency
I think at a certain point time a goal is good, too
but I also think there's a
Meandering period yep, that's gotta explore. Yeah
Otherwise, you get to get stuck. Yeah, I'm doing my first weekend of the
mothership in february. I'm fired up
Yeah, I'm fired up very exciting. I mean just being there
Last night shane brought me up man. He murdered himself. It's fucking so funny.
Were you guys on the late show? Yeah
Yeah, yeah, nice and he I went over to see queens of the stone age
Um, they were doing this acl live
Yeah, they're here tonight, too. Yeah, tony's going tonight. They were so good
dude. They're great there
I met josh the first dr phil live show
We did bird did at the store and he brought josh and he was just like yeah
He bird told me he was doing the dr phil show and I was like, what the fuck is
that?
And we just became homies and so uh, he came
Invited me over there and it was I didn't see that acl live studio before it's
awesome
It's like a tv studio, but it's three levels and it was like a really intimate
probably
500. Jamie have you been there? Yeah, that's where that one kill tony was
I thought you're saying studio. I was confused. Well, it's like a rook
I mean
Downtown acl live. Yeah, I've done it. Okay. Oh, wow
It was awesome, but yeah ripped it dude. They're there
I feel like them foo fighters like there's a handful of bands that you're just
like oh you guys are rock stars
Dude, and josh sounds so fucking good vocally and the band is so dialed in
I mean, there's I think six of them in the group and uh, yeah, it was awesome,
man
Yeah, he's a nice guy. I had him on a podcast once back in the day. Nice back
when in the la days
Yeah, yeah
We got a queens of the stone age poster up in the green room
Tony showed it to him. He's like, oh, that's fucking great. Awesome. Yeah, adam
gave it to me
I was like, oh, this is so such a cool photo and belongs here
Yeah, my friend josh gave me this poster. I don't even want to have it
Norm liked them too. I don't know
It's gonna see you man
That's pretty close. It's all right. It's all right. It's pretty good. You know
when I first met adam eget
I love this guy. I don't think i've ever told you this story the tempion prof
when he was booking the tempion prof
That's when I met him
He it's 2010 so i'm three years into doing stand-up. He comes to the hollywood
improv
He's trying to just scout like, you know, young comics to come out and feature
at the improv
He they gave him jurisdiction to start bringing people out to like feature and
just you know
We'll fly you out
Uh, put you up
And so I meet him at the improv and he's like man
I think you should come out and do you know, jim florentine and maybe you can
feature for him florentine
I ended up breaking my ankle playing an outdoor basketball game with sam triply
Shattered my ankle and couldn't go and then matt bronger was gonna be there in
december
And he's like, you know, you can do the bronger weekend, but like it's also the
holiday show
So you gotta be clean and I was like fine. I'll just take out the f-bombs. I
was not filthy aside from that
I did have one joke
That was
This like psa joke about how like, you know
It's all these celebrities talking about things that you like can't really
relate to you need like a guy
It was always like, you know, um
You know, uh, johnny depp being like, you know, you need to read more to your
kids, you know, blah blah blah
And then it would be I was like, why isn't there a guy that's just like what's
up? My name's cameron life gets tough, you know
Uh, so make sure to, um, uh, tell your doctor to put please refill on your vicodin
order
That way you can sell the pills for 10 bucks a piece to your deadbeat pill poppins
friends and finally get enough cash to buy that 20-inch physio
Flat screen that your slutty-ass girlfriend said was going to take up too much
space in the apartment
Well, good thing she showed you her bipolar side because now you're free from
her bullshit annex fuck you beth you dumb cunt
And I have like a psa at the end of it
I did that at the show and I said cunt and uh, and I got fired from the weekend
and adam comes up to me and he goes
Man, I put me in a tough position man. I gotta fire you and I was like what and
he goes
I told you to be clean. I go. I know I totally fucked up. I rolled the dice
They had me go up and do 10 and then 5 and then 10 again and I was
Crushing and it was great, but they the owner at the time I think he's passed
was super like conservative christian
and even though all the holiday parties were coming up to me and being like
Dude super funny. I was great. Adam's like dude. We have to like
The manager at the time this guy named eddie, uh was like we got to get this
guy out of here
Because if there are complaints then we like we got rid of the problem, you
know, right
And meanwhile i'm looking up and i'm seeing bronger kind of cursing and
whatever and the manager was like
Well, he's the headliner and I was like, oh, I think i'm being used as a scapegoat
But I get it because I didn't tell adam i'd be clean and I fucked up adam
though then comes over with me
He felt bad that I felt bad that I fucked up and he we go to the bar next door
We rip it up we chat and we stayed in touch and like he didn't like hold it
against me and then uh still a homie to this day
Yeah, he's a good dude
You know, that's uh
You're not supposed to say cunt when you're on a clean show
Part of the thing. Yeah fucked up
Yeah, and I was up until that point it was the last joke I did and I just
rolled the dice and I started doing it
And I wasn't savvy enough to like I was like this is how it ends
Have you always been able to like do impressions like this is there is this
what is that?
I don't know just because you do a lot of impressions pretty good here. Yeah,
yeah
Where'd that come from when you start doing that?
Impersonating um
Teachers and friends as a kid, I think I was a real big kid and there was a
girl that every the first impression
I remember doing was this girl named Annie and she was like the young hot girl
in school and everybody had a crush on her
And my I had bigger tits than her. I was a real big kid
And she had a real big crush on my buddy
So I remember I prank called my buddy as her
With a couple other friends like pretending to be her calling him
and
And he believed it and we had like a 20 minute conversation. No way fourth
grade. Yeah
Let me hear what it sounds like
Well, I can act I can remember I can tap into how I would do it because it was
like in the back of my throat
It was like really like hey, Evan. What's going on? Obviously my voice is way
deeper now, but that's what I was a problem
I'd be like who the fuck is this and how big's your dick? This is crazy. I'll
send you a link
Uh, so that I would start doing what size shoe do you wear Evelyn?
Evelyn you're killing the comedy names for these bits
Uh, so teachers friends and then
I did uh
I went to my friends like water sports camp that was like all it was a christian
water sports camp
But they were I was buddies with them
So like yeah, you can come and like just skip the jesus talk. I guess even
though the guy tried to convert me
He was like I know you're a jew, but
You're the only jew here
I was like, yeah, this doesn't feel like a conversation. We need to have about
that
He was trying to convert you yeah
What how do you do it?
I can't totally remember, but it was something about the core sucking your dick.
It did a little bit like it
Yeah, letting jesus into my heart. He's like and jesus would love to see if you
could fit around this
um
But I remember for the talent show. I did like
I did a bunch of impressions. I did like what I do. I did a I think a clinton
and a cosby and a that age
Well, and then I did a master splinter from ninja turtles and like
Mike tyson. I just
I don't know. I think I always have a pretty good ear
But like but I want to go back to how this guy tried to convert you
He had a bible. He wouldn't he just sat I got out of it pretty quick because I
was like
I'm here for the jet skiing and the camaraderie and he was like, I think you're
really missing out on letting christ into your heart
He's like and he kept asking me like
Is life going great for you? I'm like, I don't know my mom's holding on four or
five jobs like I can afford you know
She didn't buy me jordans, but I got the I got the patrick ewings, you know, we're
doing okay
and uh, he just kept trying to be like
You could be doing better than you are now and jesus will fix that was like
kind of the moral
Wow, yeah, jesus is gonna fix your heart in the pain. Yeah whole life. He's
like, you know why your dad left?
Whoa, yeah, he did not swear to god. Yeah, he brought up a little divorce
because because you didn't have jesus in your heart
I don't know if your dad didn't have jesus in his heart. That was probably insinuated
if you found jesus
How does the dad get back in your life great question doesn't it doesn't this
is terrible logic. Yeah?
Yeah, he went hard in the paint. He was a young guy too
Those are always sus. Yeah, those young hard in the paint guys are very sus.
Yeah, he was trying to
I think he was almost like he's a young door-to-door salesman
He was like if I can convert the jew on this camp, maybe I'll get my I'll get
delta status. I'll be a gold medallion
Yeah
Yeah, it's uh, it's a weird one, right? But the uh, but the voices I just I don't
know an ear for it
I guess, you know, like being but I don't even
Having doing the character stuff and having being able to actually transform
helps a lot
Being able to like see myself that guy into your act
The guy's trying to convert everybody. I really should to be honest with you
Yeah, 100% so johnny depp and the guy who's always trying to convert everyone
to jesus and jesus will fix everything that's wrong
everything everything that's wrong
I guess and I I just I didn't know enough about it to give him. Uh, I don't
know
I also just like I don't know man. I'm pretty reform with judaism anyway, like,
you know
When I was in college
Um, when I was at umass there was this girl that was in my classes really hot
puerto rican girl with glasses
She was so pretty and she was really friendly and uh, she kept inviting me to
these things like
Uh, she invited me to this weekend retreat that her and her friends were going
to and I was like, whoa, this is crazy
This really hot girls inviting me to go to this thing. Yeah, you know
I felt like I was kind of a loser like why is she inviting me? This is crazy
Um, but I couldn't go I had an event, but I forget what I had. I think I had a
fight
I forget I was still competing back then I think
Um, and so then might not have been my I don't know what the fuck it was might
have been a comedy show back then
Actually now I think about it. It was probably early
90s. Yeah
So, uh, when I was, uh in class
We we all found out that there was a plane crash
It was one of the trump planes trump had an airline for a while
I don't remember this. No trump air. Yeah
And one of the planes the landing gear didn't come out right and the plane like
skid across the one way and the people lived and they were fine
so
I'd heard about it and they were all sitting eating lunch
So I went into the lunchroom and I said hey, did you guys hear about the plane
crash and they go?
No, I go. Yeah, this is crazy
I go, um, everybody lived what happened was the plane skid to the runway and
the landing gear didn't come off
So it's like just the bottom of the plane, but everybody lived and then the
late the hot puerto rican guard goes
Oh, praise god praise god
Then they all started saying praise god praise god
And I was like, oh
You guys are trying to get me to go to a religious retreat. Oh, I'm like, oh,
okay
So you're going to the bang bus. So then I started asking questions. So I'm
like, so
Are you guys like hardcore christians like what are you guys and they're like,
yes, you know
And what we wanted to invite you to you know, take jesus into your life and to
join us in this retreat
I was like, yeah, I'm not gonna do that. Yeah, but but thank you now
I know why you wanted me to go. I thought she liked me bomber. It was a bummer.
Yeah, but made more sense
I was like, okay, that makes sense. Yeah trying to recruit and that's how they
do it
They get this hot girl to recruit people
Yeah, I mean smart of their part
But I wonder what it was really because it seemed a little cultish it seemed
really odd
It wasn't just like, you know, there's a lot of christians that I know that are
great people
And if you told them about a plane crash, they'd be like, oh, thank god. Thank
god
But it would be like a normal way to say thank god. Yeah, you know what I mean?
Yeah, it was a weird praise god praise god
They were all saying praise god and it was it was odd
It wasn't as simple as oh, thank god. Everybody's okay. Yeah. Well, thank
goodness. Yeah, thank god, you know
Oh, I pray for those people that they they okay. That's normal. Yeah, there's
something about praise god
Praise and all of them saying it. I was like, oh, no
God damn it drink this joseph it was like like I was in a zombie movie where
everybody's turning
I was like a woman came up to me after my show last weekend and goes
I heard you talk about being nervous flying on stage and I ran to my car and I
know you're a jew
but I brought you a Bible and I go
Um, I think I'm alright and she goes well, wouldn't you like to know like where
you're going when you die if the plane goes down? I go
To be honest. No, I'm I'm rocking out to my favorite phil collins song hoping
that the plane reroutes itself and we actually live
I if the plane is shaking in a certain way. I don't just go
All right. Well at least I'm going I'm like fuck. No, I hope we get out of this
But she was like, oh well you wouldn't just and
And and then she kept pushing it and she was like I really think Jesus and she
kept going off and then I go with all due respect
Like I thought you just came in line to take a picture and say hello
You know, I hope you had a good time with the show. She goes. I'm gonna go try
that guy and it's my opener
I go he's more jewy than I am so best of luck
And she went over to him and I just see him going
like, you know
I try to be nice to be like, you know, it's
and I was very I try to be very, you know
Sweet and be like, thanks, but no thanks, but just so pushy man. There's a lot
of people that
It gives you a personal validation and she didn't like that. You'll follow yeah
what they're doing
Like and they also want to like
Guide you they wanted to help you and she thought I was not
It's like roll you yeah
I don't I got no problem if you're like I want to shoot my shot and see if you're
into this
But once I was like no, thanks, but then she there was a shift in her eyes of
like you're this well
She really believes it. Yeah, she's probably schizophrenic. Yeah, she's
probably got a mild touch. Just a touch of the skits
There's a touch of the skin a lot of folks out there with a touch
Sure, I don't think probably get something all full-blown. No, there's a lot of
people that are just like oddly out of touch
Yeah, we just got to go. I don't think you and I are experiencing the same game
I'm trying to cross the sidewalk sidewalk you're trying to eat it
You're on some weird level where you're not seeing things the way everybody
else does. Yeah, very weird
But some people are like that and they ruin the idea of religion for a lot of
folks because it's like you associate religion with like kooks
You know, yeah, it's yeah
I don't know to need
Being a good person is pretty easy formula to that's I have one friend. That's
just so god bless him
He's just so hardcore conservative Christian and I'm like
Do you need all that to justify being a good person like it?
Isn't it like there's some golden rules?
You can follow of treating people the way you want to be treated what it's he's
just it's just too much in my opinion, you know, but
Yeah
Well, I think it's a good
It's like a good scaffolding for for morals and ethics
That's the best thing about religion
Yeah, if you follow people that are like devoutly religion most religions there's
a few religions that preach some sort of
Some pretty radical violence
Yeah, but the for the most part
What they're trying to get you to do is be a better person
They're trying to get you to follow morals and ethics and don't lie and you
know
Love your neighbor and be a kind person
Totally
But you can do that without it can't you can but it helps?
Yeah
It really does and there's something about like going to a church where
everybody has the same thought you're all there for the same reason
Yeah, you're all there to give your your mind like give your your consciousness
like think about the the concept of this higher power and
Think about what these lessons that are in the Bible really refer to and what
they really mean and what actually really probably happened
And it's interesting because you meet like the nicest people that do that they
so it does work. Yeah, that's the thing
It's like you could get hung up in the weeds about whether or not you believe,
you know
Adam and Eve were the first real people like that seems a little sus, you know,
the whole Noah's Ark like what that seems a little sus
but
I think
Outside of that what you're really dealing with is a bunch of stories where
people trying to accurately depict real events
But doing it after hundreds of years of just telling stories by the campfires
and and a lot of it's distorted by translations
a lot of it's distorted over time, but I think they were trying to say
something
Something very profound and I don't know what really happened, but I think
What they're trying to do is give you some sort of a history of human beings on
earth. It's just a very weird one
because
if you get into the Old Testament like the Old Testament has some wild shit in
it, man
You get into like Ezekiel story of seeing the wheel within a wheel in the sky
and
Like heads of animals and all like what the fuck did you see? Yeah, I got to
finish what I was first
But people that follow christianity that actually do follow it and are like
real christians are some of the nicest people
I've ever met in my life
So my point about that is like you could get hung up on the weeds and whether
or not you think it's a stupid thing to do
But man it works it makes for nicer people sure sure and so that's why I
support it
I support that idea of any religion that makes you not like even Mormons
It's kind of ridiculous. There's there's a guy
Joseph Smith who wrote it. He was 14. Yeah, he seems to be a little bit of a
con man
Yeah, you know said they found golden tablets that contain the lost work of jesus
and when they said well, where is it?
They go all the angels came and took it away because they didn't think you
believed only he could read it because he had a magic rock like okay
That's crazy. Wow. You get your own planet when you die. What yeah, okay, but
yeah mormons are the nicest fucking people on earth
Totally they're the nicest
Fucking friendliest sweetest people and now they have their own show the secret
wives of mormon do they i haven't watched it
It's like i'm credibly popular. Is it yeah is it any good?
I try to watch one episode. I think my wife's into it. It's a it's definitely
She's it's a real it's a real housewives type show. Oh, yeah
But they're getting the girl from it apparently
Is now gonna be the new bachelorette, so that's how popular it got. I saw an ad
the other day for the golden bachelor
They're letting old people fuck bro. It's yeah
The old people get after it's bro. It's the guy was like 77. No woman was like
74, but she looks 73
Well, and they get after it. It's like yeah, it's like do they make out
Oh, probably
They they're I mean, it's really it's like they've got one last shot at love
Is that really what they're saying? Yeah, yeah, no
We'll see if when they wake up from their nap if this match is really a true
match. Oh boy
Yeah, and they've all lost somebody. I mean I watched the first season. It was
gripping
There's something about being lonely and old. It's well, they've all all their
you know, the bachelor
The bachelor and bachelorette are just like, you know, my name's kimberley and
um, you know, i'm 29
I'm like, i'm just tired of fuck boys
And golden bachelor. She's like my name's theresa
I'm 75 my husband died four years ago
And I don't know if i'll ever see another penis
But I hope I do i'm paraphrasing but right she's jumping back in and the guy
was like
Dude prince charming. He looked like vince mcmahon. Fuck pat sajak. What was
the one where they turned out to be a creep though?
By the way, he told let me says real quick
There this war just came out one of the girls goes who got picked the golden
bachelor picked her and she goes
Yeah, they split shortly after because he was just fucking a lot of people.
This guy was 75. He was just cheating on her
She goes. Yeah, he took me on a walk and said if I ever kill you
This is where I'll chop you up and leave your body
That report came out like three four days ago. Whoa, that's what the golden
bachelor said
Did they vet this fella there?
There I said that jerry I think and theresa jesus
He looks like a guy
Who would chop you up?
Why say that looks like a guy that would say it at least. Oh, yeah
What was that show where they had?
These young guys like these older ladies like milfs milf island
Yes, and then it turns out to be the sons of the other ladies on the show and
they start hooking up
Stop stop dude. Yes
Stop
Yes
I couldn't even bring myself to watch
Why didn't you host that dude?
I don't want to
You should have hosted that dude
That's an already hosted people eating animal dicks on tv. I think
It's a special place really by the way. Thank you. That was such a good show,
man
Um milf manor
milf manor
So that's the story right like they brought in the sons of the other ladies
They put on a trailer and they were very vague about what the yeah, that's what
it is
I mean dude these hot milfs
And then you know, they have like 20 year old sons and then the 20 year old
sends out just banging your mom's friend
Why isn't there just anal island at this point? I mean, we're so close
It's like there's some of these even a lot even love that's a lot. Yeah, right
There's probably a porn you can get I bet if you just google anal island use
your vpn because we're in texas
Okay, you have to say you're in maryland. Otherwise, you can't get online oh
loophole
Yeah, there's a thing where you're in texas. You have to show government id
In season two of milf manor. They've added. Oh my god. They brought in the
fathers to
Get in the mix so it's the sun. Oh god, it's a fucking orgy disgusting
Multi-generational on that. Where are they now?
Where are the start? I mean, they're only two seasons. It's pretty new
How's it doing?
Great question. Here's the thing is like who the fuck is watching tv?
The moms are really not much older than me, which is tough
Who would have ever thought that
How old are the moms?
Oh, almost all in their 40s. There's a couple in their 40s
Are they hot? Let me see some photos
Let's see what we're dealing with
Yeah, because you know, you got to think
There's a lot to choose from out there. A lot of milfs want to get on tv
A lot of milfs want to be on milf manor
If you had a milf show, you'd probably find quite a few candidates out there in
the world
I think so
Yeah, let's see what we what do we got here jamie
See some of the it's on hbo. Is there a host for the show?
Wait, this is on hbo the plate the fucking place that brought you the Sopranos
now brings you milf manor too
Are you kidding? Yeah, we're heading in the wrong direction
It's not it didn't give me hot single moms dive into a unique dating experience
Is it really in the hbo show?
It's a tlc show so it's available via the hbo
Oh, I see. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Why do I feel better about that?
HBO goes from game of thrones to this
a lot of pretty ladies
Okay, they look good. Yeah, yeah, if there's some 20 year old dudes
Yeah, sure. Especially the black lady, woof
Very hot
Jeez. Okay
There's the father and son
Oh boy
Oh my god
Yeah, we're banging it out pops
Wait, so they're
Oh, so the guys are taking their shirts off and shit. Okay
Mommy man or two
This is like this weird culture of everybody wanted attention
So strange reality TV. Yeah, I mean it's
So odd
15 minutes of fame and then you can take that 15 minutes and turn it into a
podcast or a
Is that the most popular type of television these days is reality TV?
Is that the most like what is popular these
Joe? I think so
I think that in like true crime
Docs and then I'd say
But like regular TV
Limited series
Yes, you know, I just watch is the murder
You know that that's a whole story of the murder guy Alex Murdoch killed his
wife and son and
No, the lawyer
Oh, man. Have you heard of this game?
This happened probably I think in 2011
Hype
Powerful lawyer in the I think the Midwest and his son
Was driving drunk in a boat accident and with all his friends and
And one of the girls flew off the boat and died
And so the dad shows up at the hospital
He's just super powerful dude and was already like stealing money from his like
business
But he like went into the like the thing and tried to like curb the story to
the other kids being like
I was driving the boat that type of shit and then the story got real
Just
uh
Slippery and whatever and everyone was like oh and then the kid got off because
of the dad
And the families tried to sue and it just didn't really happen because the dad
was so powerful and then come to find out
that
uh
The dad is stealing money from the business and then the mom and him are having
a bad
Relationship and the kid is getting bullied and teased and then he ends up
murdering his
Uh, he ends up murdering his wife and youngest son
Because he's got a pill problem. He's gonna go to jail for um
For um, uh, you know tax evasion and money laundering and stealing from his
business and and uh
Anyway, he's now serving life in prison
Holy
Joe you I
I don't know what you watch, but it's um
Dude, patricia arquette and jason clark are on fucking real dude. I just
finished it uh today
Oh, so it's a recreation. Yes documentary
Well, the dog is also
It just happened to it just happened
There's still I think some events are still being unfolded
The doc is also incredible
But what's the official trailer that you just showed me? That's a different
thing. Oh, so this is the netflix that's the netflix doc two years ago
Yeah, okay, but that's the documentary. Yes, so the show just came out
Dramatization, but you know, but they have all the facts and joe, it's it's
wild how they uh end up finding out that it's him
He did not cover his bases at all. I mean he
But he tried to he tried to like throw the phones away and then he drove to his
mom's as like an alibi
Look how creepy his hands look in that photo. What's going on with that? Why is
his hands covered in blood?
Oh, man probably just to allude to the murder, but I guess so like that that to
me like
But again, it's murder and it's drama and it's a limited series. I think it's
just eight episodes
People are into that stuff, bro, but the reality kill your wife and your son
Yeah, crazy just to just to
Create a distraction basically and be like and victimize himself to be like say
killed his wife and his son
He said say it was people that were probably coming after for the whole boat
accident because the town it kind of turned on the family
Being like oh my the kid got away with it because he's a powerful attorney and
they whatever and so
He tried to go and he cried and they came and he was like
It's probably the guys that were upset about the boat thing
We've been getting all these hate hateful people coming after us and yeah, how
long did he get away with he even cried on the stand?
He's still to this day not coming out of his nose. Yeah, he still to this day
maintains his innocence
But they put everything together dude and on the phone
There's a phone that his son had before you hear the dad says he wasn't down at
the kennels when they were saying
Bye to the dogs before the mom took off and was like i'm gonna divorce you. I'm
gonna live at our beach house
So he also was sad about that and there's the son had his phone out
Videotaping the dog and you hear alex in the background
Talking and he said he wasn't there. So that was a big red flag where it was
like dude. You're on the fucking video
Crazy god
But yeah, she's the kind of guy that's like willing to murder his son and his
wife is not thinking straight. Yeah, you said he was on pills
What kind of pills? Yeah
Oxys or something I think so. Yeah
Yeah, some something that was just numbing everything, you know some heroin haze.
Yeah with a gun
Yep, and then he's in jail and his older son comes to visit him. He's like dad.
Did you do this? What's going on?
He's like dude look at me. Of course not. Why would I why would I kill your
mother?
He's like it was somebody out there and he goes he's like i'm sorry. I lied
about being there
I was there, but I I was there and then I left and then I went to go
Visit your grandma and then that's when it happened. I mean the timeline just
doesn't I mean it doesn't that
So his son's just like you're like realizing my dad. Yeah, mom
Yeah, and being like and you're lying to me
You won't even even in jail. You're just like you're in jail forever, and then
he even goes he goes thank god
I left otherwise they could have you know gotten me to
Wild dude
Imagine just committing that hard to like a
Monsters are real. Yeah, there's some people that are just real monsters
You know like what do they say what percentage of people are sociopaths like
complete sociopaths
They have no empathy for other people we've clocked that there's a percentage
I think they think there's like a certain measurable percentage of people that
walk amongst us that are complete sociopaths
Whoa, and even if they don't do anything horrible, they really don't care about
other people
Like they don't have any feelings
About other people both of those are attached to being a sociopath
Yeah, and I think probably there's a connection of narcissism in there, too
But okay one to four percent
Percentage of people who are sociopaths often associated with antisocial
personality disorder is generally estimated to be around one to four percent of
the
general population more specifically some studies suggest about one to two
percent with around three percent of males and one percent of females
Exhibiting sociopathic tendencies one notable estimate is that approximately
three to five Americans could be sociopaths
Or have a spd with some sources citing one in twenty five people four percent
Having as having sociopathic traits
Interesting
Yeah
We gotta think sociopaths are disproportionately represented in prison
populations the thing about sociopaths though
I don't know if that's a nature or nurture thing
You know to have like no empathy is that something that happened because of
something that happened to you as a baby?
Probably
Could be like you you just because everyone cared about you you didn't care
about anybody like you never developed an ability to care
Or is it because I know some people that were terribly treated when they were
young, but they're great people
Yeah, they're kind and sweet because the fact they were treated so poorly
They're really kind and sweet to other people you can develop that
Right, what's the difference though between is it a that's the question is it
like is something wrong?
It's like could you be a good person and still be a sociopath like where like
you really don't care about other people
But you just do the right thing because it seems like the right thing
Yeah, but like if like just because you weren't hugged maybe a ton as a kid or
maybe you only
I'm
Getting at that. I don't know. Maybe it's not maybe it's a genetic thing
Maybe it's just a weird like you didn't get all the ingredients, you know could
be yeah
What a bummer because I feel like that's a pretty common human thread to have
empathy. Oh, yeah
Compassion like that's what keeps us together or traits. Yeah, yeah, it's like
people that don't want that like you don't want friends like that
What you don't care about people you kind of need empathy and compassion to
interact with anybody, don't you like in any
Situation to you could fake it, right? You could fake empathy and compassion if
you're a real sociopath. It's got a lot of
Time like tricking people like your whole life. You've been tricking people.
Maybe you're a real good politician. Yeah, you know anybody like that?
And so then yeah, and then so you get to this point where that's like you're
just really good at pretending that you care about everything
Yeah, you really care about nothing. Yeah, yeah
What's your best quality mine? Yeah, I have no idea. What do you like? What do
you if you had to like my are we on a date?
This is crazy
You're a likable guy like what do you like? What's your like? I don't know.
What do you what do you leave with your your outlook at life?
I'd say that right you're a glass half-full guy. I have a good outlook. Yeah,
but I've also been very lucky
You know so there's a lot of that like you have to really take it you created
your own good luck though
Some of it sure
But some of it is just you know, you don't get hit in the head by a meteor, you
know, you don't die in a car accident
Like there's some of it is just flat-out luck
There's part of life that appears to be very random sure, you know
And that you can't control so anybody that's like
Successful at all there is a percentage whatever the percentage is 30 whatever
it is. There's luck
There's luck involved, but you worked everything you did as far as like having
this for sure getter attitude and put yourself in positions
Yeah, and then make good on those opportunities, right? 100% but it's also luck
1000 you have to have that too
You have to have a bunch of like things that happen
You know in the right order. Yeah for things to work out. Well, yeah
Because we all know like really talented people that for whatever reason never
got it together, you know
Yeah, like especially in comedy
Yeah, because there's so many people that we know that were like really
talented like they had something special and they just never follow through or
they just died
Or they couldn't deal with the rejection. They couldn't deal with the bombing
on stage
They couldn't deal with the hours that you have to put in and they fell fell
off dude
There was a lot of guys from like the early days where I was like man. This guy's
gonna be fucking huge
You think there's more people that like if you started then versus now would
drop off?
Because again like we were talking about with clips and just having more ways
to be discovered or have more opportunities to
They'd have more of a chance today
Yeah
Yeah, you had a very few chances back in the day the chances back in the day
were real simple
You had to either get on evening at the improv or the mtv half-hour comedy hour
or letterman letterman was like the golden goose
Or the tonight show when johnny carson was running it if you got on the tonight
show when johnny carson was running it
Like you could literally legitimately have like a full career and that a career
back then was club comic a career was a touring club
So you just named four opportunities. Yes, that's fucking they were really hard
to get on to
Well, the letterman one was the the ones that were easier to get on was like
they they filmed a lot of those mtv half-hour comedy hour
So a lot of people got on those and you really only needed like seven minutes.
Yeah, so there was a lot of those
um, and that helped and then so you could say as seen on mtv's half-hour comedy
hour and someone comes see you at the comedy hut
Yeah, and then you're you're out there, you know working, but
There wasn't a lot of things that could turn you into like an act that could
draw on the road
Anywhere you were basically like oh this guy was on comedy central, so he must
be funny
Let's take a chance to go see sure and then if you did it a bunch of times
You develop like a following in certain cities or people would come back to see
you again because they had a good time last time
but now
You know
All you have to do is just have a clip and that clip goes viral and then you're
selling out theaters like right away
Yeah, so it's definitely more opportunity for someone to pop and there was a
lot of guys back then that had like great bits and
They just fucking never got the show. They never got this they developed the
alcohol problem
whatever it was more uh
Consistent stability and maybe just wanted like income that was yeah, there's a
lot of that too
Or they get married and have a child and then the wife is like hey, you need to
get a regular fucking job
This dream is crazy. It's killing us
You got to be home, you know, you can't go out in the weekends every weekend
and make $200. It's crazy, you know
Yeah, my brother-in-law was rapping in and slinging weed and then they got
My brother-in-law's a white rapper named dirty shout out
and he uh
My sister when they got married was like yeah, you can't be doing like she didn't
shut down the performing
But she was like the the drug stuff's gotta yes, not good. Yeah, we got kids
like you should
Be a drug people shouldn't be coming to the house. Yeah
Yeah, and a daddy. Yeah, good advice. Yeah sound advice from a woman. Yeah.
Yeah, she knows she's cleaned him up
Yeah, it's the the dream of trying to make it in the rap world is probably just
as hard if not harder than the
Dream of trying to make it in comedy, right? He had a nice little run
He could I let him close out our seattle dr. Phil live show. Oh, really cool.
Yeah, we did like the neptune up there
It was like a 1100 seats. My nieces who'd never get it. He rapped. How'd he go?
Awesome. He murdered is he killer? Is he really good at it dirty pull him up?
Let me hear it
Um, tell everybody where you're gonna be you the man tell everybody
How they can find you online? Yeah, uh on tour right now
Uh clubs the rest of the year last dr. Phil live at the wiltern december 16th
I'm doing the more theater in seattle first theater show home in seattle december
19th and then the theater tour the who is me theater tour starts
Uh, in january goes through april, uh, adamraycomedy.com specials like and
subscribe on youtube where you are right now
Um, adamraycomedy instagram twitter tiktok
Are you around tonight you want to do a set?
I'm leaving tonight. Are you flying back?
I fucking love you dude. I fucking love you
I had a feeling you were gonna ask and I have to leave right after this
Did you wait here last night?
Yeah
I did uh, yeah, I didn't know if I should bug you or just adam like what's
Oh, just text me. Really? All right. Yeah. Yeah. Anytime you're in town, you
can do a set. I love you. I love you, too
Thanks for having a lot of fun always always
Yeah, and uh, if anybody's ever seen adam on kill tony, they literally are some
of the funniest fucking episodes of all time
Thanks, brother. The dr. Phil one's fantastic. The biden one's fantastic. You're
really good at it. I appreciate it, man
Yeah, you called me after the tony uh, uh, app, which was really cool, man
Like I thought it was a butt dial
No, no, no, no
I picked it up and I was like, hello
So good. It was so good. I was dying. I was like, oh, no
I was watching it going. Oh, no
Cause it was like so dead on
Did you know what's happening? No, I had no idea
So you just went there? I had no idea, yes
I had no idea
Cause you don't go to all of them, right? No, I had no idea that you were gonna
be tony
Shut the fuck up. You were just randomly there for that
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I thought he told you and that's why you came
No, no, no. I come to a few, you know
I've come to a bunch, yeah, but I know that one was awesome
It was awesome
You're the man, Joe
Appreciate you, brother. Alright, bye, everybody
See you guys
You're the man, Joe
You're the man, Joe