#1048 - Doug Stanhope

0:00

I got too high.

0:00

Four, three, two, one.

0:05

Mr. Hennigan, you were talking in the background.

0:08

Yeah, Brian Hennigan, he's worried about the link.

0:10

He's waiting for...

0:11

Oh, JoeRogan.Live.

0:13

Yeah, I should tweet it, right?

0:14

I didn't even tweet it.

0:15

Tweet it.

0:15

I'll tweet it while I'm talking to you.

0:17

Douglas Danhope, the mayor of Bisbee.

0:21

Wow, you're becoming the mayor of L.A.

0:24

That should be your thing, man.

0:27

300 square miles of studio space?

0:30

Twitter.

0:32

I knew when I pulled up...

0:34

Well, the Uber dropped us at the wrong place,

0:36

but then we walked a few buildings down

0:39

and I saw a pickup truck loading Epsom salt into a side door.

0:43

I go, yeah, that's flotation tank shit right there.

0:46

We got the right door.

0:46

Yeah, that's exactly what it is.

0:48

Going live with Douglas.

0:50

I only did flotation tank once for a shoot at your house

0:56

for the man show and you had the one in the house

0:58

and we were doing it for a shoot.

1:00

So you can't really sit back and enjoy it.

1:02

But for that 30 seconds, they shut the door

1:05

until they go, action.

1:07

You're like, wow, this is fucking weird.

1:10

It's fucking weird.

1:11

It's weird and it never stops being weird.

1:14

Like even though I've done it,

1:15

I don't know how many times,

1:16

every time I do it, it's fucking weird.

1:18

It's a very strange feeling

1:20

and you can shut it off anytime you want.

1:22

That's the best part about it.

1:24

Like I love the fact that I could just get out of it.

1:26

Like if you want to do shrooms or something like that,

1:28

that's a commitment.

1:30

I mean, you're in.

1:31

You're in.

1:32

Six, eight hours.

1:33

You're not shaking it.

1:33

And you don't know where you're going

1:34

or who's going to call or stop by.

1:36

Yeah, you can't.

1:37

You're not shaking that.

1:39

You're just not.

1:40

It's going to get you.

1:41

I tweeted it.

1:42

Did you get it?

1:43

All right, beautiful.

1:44

Yeah, but the tank, you just get out.

1:47

It's awesome.

1:48

Just open the door.

1:49

It's over.

1:49

I'm sure there's some kind of upkeep

1:53

that's necessary that I wouldn't do

1:55

and I'd forget and I'd go on the road

1:57

and I'd come back

1:58

and there's bushes growing in there.

1:59

You know what you should do?

2:01

You should start a tank center in Bisbee.

2:03

Nobody has money in Bisbee.

2:06

It doesn't have to cost a lot of money.

2:07

You get like one or two tanks

2:10

and you just rent them out all day long.

2:12

Yeah, it's, again, it's, like, people have, like,

2:16

disability is the biggest form of income there.

2:20

I bet insurance will pay for it.

2:22

Maybe I made that up.

2:23

You should probably check.

2:24

I think that they'll,

2:28

well, I think it's a form of therapy for sure.

2:31

Still, the point is I'm not good at upkeep.

2:34

I know.

2:34

You don't have to hire somebody.

2:35

It's kind of an above-ground pool

2:36

that is just nothing but algae

2:39

for eight months out of the year.

2:41

That's the grossest.

2:41

Dude, I moved into a house once in Encino

2:44

and nobody had lived in it for, I guess,

2:47

like, over a year

2:48

and they didn't do anything with the pool

2:49

and the pool had become this green pond

2:52

and there was schools of mosquito larvae

2:56

swimming around in the pool.

2:57

Like, I was like,

2:57

what in the fuck is that?

2:59

Like, you could see them.

3:01

It was the weirdest thing, man.

3:03

That's a problem with the,

3:04

we're getting rid of the fucking thing.

3:06

Dude, it was a real problem.

3:07

Like, I was looking,

3:08

I was like,

3:08

you've got a,

3:09

like, a big stew of life out here.

3:12

There were so many mosquitoes.

3:14

It was crazy.

3:15

There were, like, little schools of fish.

3:17

I was like,

3:17

this is madness.

3:18

All these little things

3:19

are blood-sucking little vampires.

3:21

They're going to fly around

3:22

and find things to bite.

3:23

And where I live,

3:24

there's no other body of water

3:26

for a hundred miles

3:28

other than my above-ground pool.

3:30

Isn't it crazy?

3:30

Those little cunts,

3:31

you can't kill them off.

3:32

They just find a way

3:34

to just breed and,

3:35

like, back east,

3:36

they're way worse.

3:37

Yeah.

3:38

They're way worse

3:38

than they are here.

3:39

There's something about

3:40

the weather out here, I guess,

3:41

that keeps them in check.

3:42

The worst, by far,

3:44

is Alaska

3:45

that I've experienced.

3:46

Have you ever experienced?

3:47

Yeah, yeah.

3:48

Holy shit, man.

3:49

You get out of the car

3:50

and they just swarm you.

3:52

Huge.

3:52

Huge.

3:53

And super aggressive.

3:54

And they only live

3:55

to be, like, three months old.

3:57

So when they're going for it,

3:58

they're just fucking going for it.

3:59

It's like some wolf shit.

4:01

It's like survival of the fittest.

4:02

It's the weirdest thing ever.

4:04

They're, like,

4:05

they're a different thing.

4:06

Like, we have an idea,

4:07

oh, mosquitoes,

4:08

yeah, they're annoying,

4:09

they get you,

4:09

you slap them.

4:10

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

4:11

No, this is a swarm.

4:12

This is hundreds of them

4:14

in your face,

4:14

in your eyes,

4:15

all over your mouth,

4:16

everywhere.

4:17

Instantly.

4:18

Yeah, we have no see-em.

4:19

So the pool was cool

4:21

when we got that house.

4:22

It's above ground,

4:24

but it's on a slope,

4:25

so there's a deck

4:26

on one side.

4:27

So it seems like

4:27

an above-ground pool

4:28

because you're above the pool,

4:30

but it's still

4:31

an above-ground pool

4:32

and it's only, you know,

4:33

four feet deep

4:34

or something.

4:34

Right.

4:35

But once monsoons hit...

4:36

Look at that.

4:37

Oh, my God.

4:38

That's mosquitoes in Alaska.

4:40

We're looking at

4:42

what looks like

4:42

a swarm of birds.

4:43

That's the worst part

4:45

about naked and afraid,

4:46

if you ever watch that show,

4:48

is the bugs.

4:48

I could go a month

4:50

without eating.

4:51

I'd do that anyway.

4:52

I'm a drunk.

4:52

I get my calories

4:54

from the mixer.

4:54

Do you have to stay naked?

4:56

Like, can you make clothes?

4:58

I don't know

4:59

how much they cheat.

5:00

Oh, no,

5:00

they have made clothes.

5:01

They have made clothes.

5:02

Yeah, I don't know

5:03

how much they...

5:04

Yeah, the producer says,

5:05

okay, you can make

5:06

the beaver cloth,

5:08

but you can't make

5:09

a full, like, hoodie.

5:10

They do it

5:11

with every one

5:11

of those shows.

5:12

They'll call those shows

5:13

reality shows,

5:14

but there's a certain amount

5:16

of, like,

5:16

plotted out ideas

5:18

and you can see

5:18

them take place.

5:19

Like, you can see,

5:21

like, the act...

5:21

You see acting

5:22

in people.

5:23

I have a whole chunk

5:26

in the book

5:26

that I'm here to promote.

5:27

Ah!

5:28

See?

5:29

But about how I'm...

5:31

I'm glued to reality

5:33

just to find

5:34

where they're lying.

5:34

All right,

5:35

that's obviously...

5:36

This is not fame.

5:37

I like the name.

5:38

Yeah, I don't know

5:39

who came up with it.

5:40

That's beautiful.

5:41

Fuck yeah, dude.

5:43

You're an author.

5:44

Like, a legit author.

5:45

How did that happen?

5:47

I don't know.

5:47

But you've written

5:50

two, like,

5:51

legitimate books.

5:51

That's pretty

5:53

fucking interesting, man.

5:54

That's a...

5:54

You're a different

5:55

kind of person

5:55

to do that.

5:56

Like, that's...

5:57

I've always felt like

5:59

an extra...

6:00

One of the things

6:01

that I love

6:01

is you actually

6:02

wrote this, too.

6:03

Yeah.

6:03

Like, you wrote

6:04

wrote this.

6:04

Yeah, there's no guy.

6:06

Yeah.

6:06

And there's nothing

6:07

wrong with those guys

6:09

because that's probably

6:09

the only way

6:10

you're going to get

6:10

a Joey Diaz book,

6:11

right?

6:11

Right.

6:12

Yeah, if a guy

6:13

is not going to write it,

6:14

yeah, get a guy.

6:15

Get a guy.

6:16

Well, Joey Diaz

6:17

could sit and tell you

6:17

all his stories.

6:18

Yeah.

6:19

He could tell him,

6:20

right,

6:20

and if you have a guy,

6:21

I'm just...

6:21

I could never trust

6:23

anyone to write

6:24

so hard.

6:25

So hard.

6:26

I've talked to so many

6:27

authors or writers

6:29

or journalists even

6:30

that they'll hand in

6:31

a piece and then

6:32

the editor tweaks it

6:33

and changes it

6:33

and an editor got

6:35

fired from the Daily

6:38

News for doing that

6:39

pretty recently

6:39

because the guy

6:41

had attributions

6:43

in his story,

6:44

the different studies

6:45

and shit,

6:46

where he got the

6:47

information that was

6:48

in it,

6:48

whatever the...

6:49

and then he got

6:50

accused of plagiarism

6:51

when he has the

6:52

original document

6:53

that he sent

6:53

to the publisher.

6:54

Oh, so the editor

6:56

was the plagiarist.

6:57

The editor just said,

6:58

we don't need

6:59

to tell people about that.

7:00

They made a weird

7:01

judgment call

7:01

and they removed

7:02

the references.

7:03

Well, you know

7:04

when you do interviews,

7:06

how often they

7:07

fuck up what you said.

7:09

Yes.

7:09

Like, I remember

7:10

I was the winner

7:11

of the Montreal Comedy

7:12

Festival.

7:13

Like, there's no winner

7:14

in 1997.

7:15

No one wins.

7:16

Yeah, they don't

7:17

understand what that means.

7:18

But yeah, if you read,

7:20

which I don't

7:21

on purpose now,

7:22

you read an interview

7:23

you did,

7:24

I didn't say that.

7:25

Now you're making me

7:26

look like a dick

7:26

and other comics

7:27

are going to see

7:28

this interview

7:28

and I didn't say

7:30

it like that.

7:31

You're like the only guy

7:32

that ever won

7:33

a comedy competition

7:34

that people don't hate.

7:35

You know?

7:37

Because you won

7:38

San Francisco.

7:38

Like, everybody who...

7:40

But that was after

7:40

that was done.

7:42

What do you mean?

7:43

It wasn't a big deal

7:44

anymore.

7:45

It wasn't a you

7:45

versus Dane Cook?

7:46

Yeah, but we were

7:48

both completely unknown

7:49

at that point.

7:49

Right, right.

7:50

But still,

7:51

you weren't unknown

7:52

in the comedy world.

7:53

But the point is

7:53

nobody got mad at you for it.

7:54

The competition itself

7:55

in the late 70s, 80s

7:57

was a huge deal.

7:58

That's when Robin Williams

7:59

and Ellen DeGeneres...

8:01

Right.

8:01

By the time I did it,

8:02

it was me

8:03

and an unknown Dane Cook.

8:05

Right.

8:06

I think competitions

8:07

are fucking weird

8:08

when it comes to comedy.

8:09

Like, that's a...

8:10

You're changing what it is.

8:12

I like the festival idea.

8:13

The festival's nice.

8:14

We don't have to make it

8:15

fucking Star Search

8:17

or whatever, you know,

8:18

America's Got Talent.

8:19

It's just shows.

8:21

That's what the country wants.

8:22

I know, they do.

8:23

Battle Royale.

8:25

It did introduce

8:26

a lot of people

8:27

like when they started

8:28

doing the stand-up show.

8:30

The fuck it is.

8:30

Last Comic Standing?

8:31

Yeah, Last Comic Standing

8:32

was the introduction

8:34

that a lot of people got

8:35

to a lot of good comics.

8:36

You know, I mean,

8:37

that's how people

8:38

found out about them.

8:39

Yeah, but as long as

8:41

you know going in

8:42

that this is rigged.

8:43

Yeah.

8:43

When you're doing...

8:45

Sort of a little bit.

8:45

I just did Seattle.

8:46

I played up there

8:47

while the Seattle competition

8:49

was going on

8:50

and a girl I know

8:51

was in it

8:51

and I had to...

8:53

No, first of all,

8:54

play to yourself.

8:55

The judges are going

8:57

to be people

8:57

like fucking morning show,

8:59

hack, AM sports talk,

9:01

DJ, whoever they can get.

9:03

It's not real.

9:05

Just do your best.

9:07

If it makes you work,

9:08

that's why I liked them

9:09

back in the day

9:10

because it made me work.

9:11

It made brevity important.

9:13

I have seven minutes.

9:14

Cut out the dead weight

9:15

in this joke.

9:16

Hit your fucking beats.

9:18

But I knew that it's bullshit.

9:21

Yeah.

9:22

Yeah, man.

9:24

I'm sure I won

9:25

because I was way cooler

9:27

than Dane Cook

9:27

and I hung out

9:28

and drank with the fucking producers.

9:31

Wait a minute.

9:32

Why would you say that?

9:33

I mean,

9:33

wouldn't you just win

9:35

because you did a great job?

9:36

Really?

9:36

A funny comic?

9:37

Human beings aren't...

9:38

Oh, you know what?

9:39

Is it possible?

9:39

But it's San Francisco.

9:40

Aren't they a little bit

9:41

more open-minded

9:42

and intelligent

9:43

than the rest of the country?

9:43

Well, the people

9:44

that hired the judges,

9:45

the producer,

9:46

I forget her name

9:47

that I hung out with

9:48

the whole three weeks

9:49

and we'd drink

9:50

and have fun.

9:51

That probably helped,

9:52

but they appreciated you

9:54

before that.

9:54

I was the judge

9:55

a year or two later.

9:56

I don't like you

9:57

being self-deprecating.

9:58

When James Inman won,

9:59

I was a judge.

10:00

You're one of my favorite comedians.

10:02

It bothers me

10:03

when you're self-deprecating.

10:03

When James Inman won,

10:04

I was a judge.

10:05

Any other questions?

10:07

He's still a good comic.

10:08

James Inman's a funny guy.

10:10

I see he's funny.

10:14

But hey,

10:16

look,

10:17

my point is

10:19

Last Comic Standing

10:20

let a lot of people know

10:21

about Alonzo Bowden,

10:22

you know,

10:23

Hefron,

10:24

John Hefron.

10:24

Alfie May was the first year

10:26

he lost to Dat Fan,

10:27

which I said on Twitter

10:29

is what killed him.

10:30

He couldn't get over the shame

10:32

even 20 years later

10:33

or 15.

10:34

Is Dat Fan still around?

10:35

I've looked him up

10:36

and every here and again

10:39

you remember Dat Fan

10:40

and you search to see

10:42

and occasionally

10:42

he'd be playing a casino.

10:44

He was a guy

10:45

that I felt like

10:46

there was some really

10:47

unbalanced hatred towards.

10:49

It was very odd.

10:51

When he won

10:51

Last Comic Standing

10:52

people were really mad.

10:54

There was a certain percentage

10:56

of comics that were really mad

10:57

and let me tell you something,

10:58

I was there

10:59

when he had a set

11:00

and he fucking killed.

11:01

He fucking killed.

11:03

Whether or not

11:03

you liked that kind of material

11:05

or not,

11:06

there was like

11:06

he got a bunch of hatred.

11:08

It wasn't just

11:09

he was a young guy

11:11

like wow,

11:12

what does it create?

11:13

Because Eliza won

11:14

Last Comic Standing

11:15

when she was like

11:15

three years in,

11:16

right?

11:17

I think she said,

11:18

didn't she say that?

11:19

Three or four years in,

11:21

I hope I don't say

11:22

the wrong years,

11:22

but I mean

11:23

that's kind of the same thing

11:24

along the same lines,

11:25

right?

11:25

You're getting in

11:27

but if you do it,

11:28

you do it.

11:28

If you win,

11:29

you win.

11:29

You get eight minutes

11:31

to kill,

11:32

you can break it up.

11:33

And for whatever reason,

11:34

man,

11:35

people were so pissed at him

11:36

because he was

11:36

kind of fresh to comedy,

11:38

right?

11:38

Like he hadn't been

11:39

doing it that long,

11:39

Well,

11:39

he was ridiculous.

11:40

He was one of those

11:41

scientists that you hate.

11:42

He sat down

11:43

and he'd graph

11:44

the laughs per minute

11:45

he's getting

11:46

based on his recordings

11:47

of his sets.

11:48

He really did that?

11:49

Yeah,

11:49

on Last Comic Standing.

11:51

He'd have these graphs

11:52

of laughs.

11:53

That's interesting.

11:56

Why do we hate that?

11:58

I don't know.

11:58

We were talking about this

11:59

on a podcast yesterday

12:00

where all the people

12:03

that you were trained

12:04

to hate

12:04

were talking about

12:06

like Carrot Top

12:07

in the 90s.

12:07

You hated Carrot Top

12:09

as a comedian.

12:09

You kind of had to hate him

12:11

and then he beat

12:12

Bill Hicks

12:13

for some comedy award

12:15

back when they had

12:15

comedy awards.

12:16

It's also the prop thing.

12:19

For whatever reason,

12:20

a prop comic

12:21

is a lesser man.

12:22

Right.

12:22

Which is so stupid.

12:23

He's the last guy

12:25

that's going to interfere

12:26

with us.

12:27

No one's flipping a coin

12:28

between Carrot Top

12:30

and Joe Rogan.

12:30

Well, yeah,

12:31

but I think there's enough

12:33

to go around

12:33

even if they were.

12:34

I know.

12:35

Who gives a shit?

12:36

It's just weird.

12:36

But I'm saying

12:36

all that hatred

12:37

and we were talking

12:38

about Dennis Leary

12:39

who I listened to

12:41

on Stern

12:41

and I really loved

12:43

the interview

12:43

and I liked Dennis Leary

12:45

and I realized

12:46

it was just all that

12:47

he stole Bill Hicks

12:49

persona thing

12:50

that I just hated him

12:52

for that

12:52

and you get old

12:54

and you go,

12:55

I don't really give a shit.

12:57

Yeah,

12:57

and when do you let it go,

12:58

right?

12:58

Yeah.

12:59

When do you let it go?

13:00

Now,

13:00

when we're old

13:01

and go,

13:02

it's just silly.

13:03

Yeah,

13:04

we were joking around

13:05

before the show

13:06

about I had to send off

13:07

an email

13:07

and you're like,

13:09

he's probably talking

13:09

to someone on Twitter

13:10

and I'm like,

13:10

fuck your mother.

13:11

Like,

13:11

imagine being that guy

13:13

that's just still doing

13:14

that all the time.

13:15

Like,

13:15

god damn,

13:16

man,

13:16

that'll rot.

13:17

I talked to Owen Benjamin

13:18

and he's like,

13:18

dude,

13:18

sometimes I don't sleep.

13:19

I'm like,

13:20

listen to me,

13:21

man.

13:21

You gotta stop doing that

13:23

because Owen will fucking

13:24

go to war on Twitter

13:25

all day

13:26

and Jamie Kilstein.

13:27

Jamie Kilstein was on

13:28

and he was pretty open

13:29

about how he would be,

13:30

when he was all

13:31

social justice warrior-ed out,

13:33

he would get crazy

13:34

with his phone

13:34

and these arguments

13:35

where he couldn't think

13:36

of anything but.

13:37

He was constantly

13:37

pulling his phone out

13:38

and checking

13:39

and what did they say?

13:40

What did they say?

13:40

Well,

13:40

fuck them,

13:41

you fucking cisgender

13:42

piece of shit

13:43

or whatever

13:43

the fuck it would be.

13:44

You get mad with it,

13:47

you get obsessed.

13:48

I just say,

13:48

don't do it,

13:49

folks.

13:49

Avoid arguments

13:51

in real life

13:52

and on Twitter.

13:53

Especially when you're

13:53

arguing down.

13:54

You might be.

13:56

You know,

13:57

you might be like

13:57

going to war

13:58

with someone

13:58

who's on your own level.

13:59

Yeah,

13:59

argue up.

14:00

There's a couple

14:02

of recent things

14:03

where friends of mine

14:04

are arguing.

14:05

You know that you look

14:08

like a fucking

14:09

open mic-er

14:10

when you have

14:11

these arguments

14:12

in business

14:13

with people

14:13

who are far

14:15

your underlings.

14:16

Yeah.

14:17

Well,

14:18

it's just,

14:18

I mean,

14:20

I just really feel

14:21

like we should try

14:23

for meaningful discussion

14:25

with friendly people

14:26

and just figure out

14:28

what the fuck

14:29

we disagree on.

14:29

But that's where

14:30

I get trapped

14:31

is I'm the guy

14:32

that when the

14:33

Jehovah's Witness

14:34

comes to my door,

14:35

if I'm in the mood,

14:36

I'm going to prove

14:37

them wrong.

14:38

And the less sense

14:40

they make,

14:41

the harder

14:41

that fucking

14:42

wood is

14:43

to knock on

14:44

the more.

14:45

That used to be

14:46

my thing.

14:46

I'd always want

14:48

to argue with people

14:49

about,

14:50

especially about

14:51

like if someone

14:51

had some ridiculous

14:53

religious belief,

14:54

I would always

14:56

argue with them

14:56

about it.

14:57

And now I'm like,

14:58

I don't,

14:59

I don't care.

15:00

Like as long

15:01

as they're nice.

15:01

I think it's,

15:03

I think it helps

15:03

a lot of people.

15:04

I really do.

15:05

And even if

15:06

they're not

15:06

right,

15:07

here's the thing.

15:08

If you live

15:09

like it's true,

15:10

it is right

15:12

while you're alive.

15:13

If you live

15:14

like it's true,

15:14

like we look at

15:16

it like almost

15:17

from two dimensions

15:18

when there's like

15:19

multiple dimensions

15:20

to the idea

15:20

of religion.

15:21

Because even

15:22

though it probably,

15:23

there was never

15:24

a time where a guy

15:24

came back from the dead,

15:25

there's probably

15:25

never a time

15:26

where a guy

15:26

walked on water.

15:27

But if you buy

15:28

the idea of this person

15:30

and this person's

15:31

goal for humanity

15:32

and move toward

15:33

the directions

15:34

like moving towards

15:35

love and compassion

15:37

and treating each other

15:38

as equals,

15:39

I mean that's like

15:39

the whole Jesus thing.

15:40

So even if it's,

15:42

if it never really happened.

15:43

Yeah, if it's a weird

15:43

superstition that was

15:45

the catalyst to make you

15:46

a decent person.

15:47

Yeah, I think like

15:48

all human things

15:49

it gets poisoned

15:50

along the way.

15:50

But the idea behind it,

15:52

even if you don't

15:53

think it's true,

15:54

if you treat it

15:55

like it's true,

15:56

it is true.

15:57

Like you really will

15:58

make a better world.

15:59

It sounds like

16:00

super hippie.

16:01

No, that's

16:02

twisty wordy shit.

16:03

If you have

16:04

some mental illness

16:05

that makes you believe

16:07

that you're driving

16:08

a Cadillac,

16:09

you're driving

16:09

a fucking Cadillac.

16:10

But you know

16:11

how we have laws

16:12

and we have like

16:12

certain ways

16:13

that we behave

16:14

and we have just

16:14

like agreements

16:15

with how we dress

16:16

and the words we use

16:17

and the phrases.

16:18

If there was a religion

16:20

that was all

16:21

super positive

16:22

that we just all

16:23

agreed to adopt

16:24

just the same way

16:25

we adopt

16:25

all the other things

16:26

that we do

16:27

in our lives.

16:27

All the other

16:28

normal shit we do

16:29

with like the way

16:30

we decide to dress

16:31

or cars we drive,

16:32

just adopt that

16:33

in there too.

16:34

Like this is just

16:35

how we behave.

16:36

We behave as if

16:38

we are souls

16:39

in a vessel

16:40

created by the great one

16:41

who knows everything

16:43

and has a plan

16:43

for us all

16:44

and we should be

16:44

kind to each other

16:45

and move in the direction

16:46

of love and harmony.

16:47

That's basically

16:47

what all religions

16:49

and then there be

16:49

some cocksucker

16:50

that says

16:51

oh yeah

16:52

that great entity

16:53

just spoke to me

16:54

directly in my bedroom

16:55

and we're going to

16:56

have a different sect

16:57

of this perfect religion.

16:58

There's a fucking

17:00

funny show on Netflix

17:01

about that.

17:01

The Unbreakable

17:03

Kimmy Schmidt.

17:03

No.

17:04

She's a woman

17:05

who's in a sex cult

17:05

who's in like

17:06

a backyard

17:07

like trapped

17:07

in a basement

17:08

for like months

17:09

with some

17:10

I don't know

17:10

I don't know

17:11

how years I think

17:12

it was supposed to be.

17:12

It's a really funny show

17:14

though.

17:14

Have you seen it?

17:15

Wait.

17:16

Is it a show?

17:16

Yeah, it's a show.

17:17

It's a sitcom

17:18

on Netflix.

17:19

It's called

17:19

The Unbreakable

17:20

Kimmy Schmidt.

17:20

I think Tina Fey

17:22

is one of the people

17:23

the creative people

17:24

behind it.

17:24

It's a fucking

17:25

funny show man.

17:26

Like really fun.

17:27

I am so overdue

17:28

to get caught up

17:29

on Netflix binges.

17:31

Oh man.

17:32

Yeah.

17:32

It seems like

17:33

it's been two years

17:34

of just something

17:35

I gotta do.

17:36

I need new ones.

17:37

I need to catch up

17:39

on old ones.

17:40

Plug Nathan For You.

17:43

Have you watched

17:44

Nathan For You

17:45

on Comedy Central?

17:46

No, what is it?

17:47

Is one of the funniest

17:48

fucking shows ever.

17:49

Completely underrated.

17:51

You have to understand

17:53

what it is going in.

17:55

It's basically like

17:57

a bar rescue

17:58

but a fake

17:59

it's basically

18:01

a hidden camera show

18:02

but open hidden camera.

18:04

It's like a

18:05

bar rescue

18:06

kitchen nightmares.

18:07

Nathan

18:07

what's

18:08

God damn it.

18:10

Google it.

18:11

Nathan something Jewish.

18:14

Nathan Fielder?

18:15

Yeah.

18:15

Nathan Fielder.

18:16

Wow.

18:18

And he's

18:18

he does

18:20

it's for small business.

18:21

He helps small businesses.

18:24

This guy.

18:25

He's so uncomfortable

18:28

to watch.

18:28

I can't do it justice.

18:31

You have to watch

18:32

Nathan For You.

18:33

So these people

18:34

with small businesses

18:35

think it's a real show

18:37

and they come on

18:39

and he helps them

18:39

with their problems

18:40

and it's

18:41

it's so

18:42

amazingly layered

18:45

in

18:45

watch the one

18:48

with the

18:48

the guy that has

18:49

the TV shop

18:51

that can't compete

18:52

with Best Buy

18:53

and there's so many layers

18:56

I put it on my phone.

18:58

All right.

18:58

I trust you implicitly.

18:59

Please watch it

19:01

and then tweet about it

19:02

because it's

19:03

fucking brilliant

19:04

and I'll just

19:04

embarrass it

19:05

by trying to explain it.

19:06

If there's anything

19:08

any problem

19:08

that I have with Netflix

19:09

is that sometimes

19:10

I don't know

19:11

what I'm looking for.

19:11

You know

19:13

like there's a lot of shows

19:14

that turns out like

19:14

whoa there's four seasons

19:16

of this

19:16

and you never heard of it.

19:17

Like maybe it's just me

19:18

maybe I'm that

19:19

and it's totally possible

19:20

because there's always

19:21

some fucking new musical artist

19:23

and I go

19:23

who the fuck is that

19:24

and I'll go to their

19:25

Instagram page

19:25

and they have 14 million followers

19:27

and I'm like

19:27

oh it's me.

19:28

I'm that old man.

19:29

I'm that old man

19:31

who doesn't know jack shit.

19:32

We had a

19:32

the Uber coming here

19:34

was this old

19:34

probably Armenian guy

19:36

probably 60s

19:37

racist

19:38

triggered

19:39

stop the show.

19:40

He's listening to

19:43

what I assume

19:44

he thinks

19:45

people want to listen to

19:46

and it's all this shit

19:47

I couldn't name you

19:48

a fucking Jay-Z

19:49

from a

19:50

that kind of shit.

19:51

I don't know

19:52

any of it

19:53

and I'm about to say

19:54

hey you don't have to

19:55

play this for us

19:56

but then I

19:58

I saw him

20:00

lip syncing

20:01

to the lyrics

20:02

and tapping his fingers

20:04

on the steering wheel

20:05

I'm like wow

20:06

how out of the loop

20:07

am I

20:08

if fucking 60 year old

20:10

foreign Uber drivers

20:11

know all the words

20:13

to these fucking songs.

20:14

But you've never been

20:15

a music guy.

20:15

No.

20:16

You don't like music.

20:17

No it's not

20:18

something to

20:19

how's that possible?

20:21

I mean I have songs

20:23

I like

20:23

Kimmy

20:24

what's a great song

20:25

like Doug Stanhope

20:26

hears you

20:27

oh yeah

20:28

sits back.

20:29

Most of the new songs

20:30

that I've learned

20:31

I've either heard

20:33

playing in a store

20:34

or on a commercial

20:35

and I go

20:36

ah that's catchy

20:37

cha cha cha cha

20:39

don't you know

20:41

that I love you

20:42

yeah

20:43

cha cha cha

20:45

by Jimmy Luxury

20:47

Is that real?

20:49

Yeah it's from

20:50

like 1997

20:51

it was on the

20:52

soundtrack of the

20:53

movie Go

20:55

and then they

20:56

disappeared

20:57

you can't even find

20:58

where the band is now

20:59

but it was on a

21:00

Corona commercial

21:01

and I love it

21:02

and I use it as

21:03

intro music all the

21:04

time

21:04

it pumps me up

21:05

there you go

21:06

sing a song

21:08

whoa

21:09

give me some volume

21:10

see I'm just

21:14

seeing the video

21:15

on mute

21:15

I'm into this song

21:16

this is great

21:20

oh right

21:22

he's gonna have to

21:23

have headphones

21:24

this is great

21:25

cha cha cha

21:28

don't you know

21:29

that I love you

21:30

cha cha cha cha

21:32

and I always

21:33

thinking of you

21:35

cha cha cha

21:37

won't you go

21:38

I like how these

21:39

gals are dressed

21:39

like they're

21:40

1950s cover girls

21:42

what is about

21:44

that look right

21:45

that like cover

21:46

you know

21:47

pin-up girl

21:47

that's what it's

21:48

called

21:48

1950s pin-up girl

21:49

type of look

21:50

what is it about

21:51

that

21:51

I don't know

21:52

maybe it makes

21:53

fat chicks look

21:54

good

21:55

how dare you

21:57

Doug Stanhope

21:58

do you not realize

21:59

it was a different

22:00

day and age

22:01

you can't say that

22:03

anymore

22:03

those days are done

22:05

what's wrong with a

22:06

fat girl looking good

22:07

what's wrong with you

22:08

you waitist

22:08

I just found out

22:12

what ableist

22:12

means

22:13

do you know

22:14

what ableist

22:14

do you know

22:15

ableist

22:15

I saw someone

22:17

write ableist

22:18

I'm like do I

22:18

really want to go

22:19

into this one

22:19

it's got to be

22:20

handy capable

22:21

exactly

22:22

if you're a person

22:23

that doesn't have

22:24

a mental definition

22:25

you can keep changing

22:25

the words

22:25

if you are mocking

22:27

someone who is

22:28

like literally

22:29

stupider than you

22:31

low watt gurgler

22:32

in a high back chair

22:33

exactly

22:33

you're an ableist

22:35

you call people

22:36

idiots

22:36

you're an ableist

22:37

what about

22:40

that was my last

22:42

special I did a whole

22:43

bit about it's called

22:44

the euphemism treadmill

22:45

where you can't say

22:47

retarded because

22:48

but retarded was the

22:50

clinical term because

22:51

before that they were

22:52

called imbeciles

22:53

and morons

22:54

well they were called

22:55

mongoloid idiots

22:56

yeah

22:57

and that's what it was

22:57

for kids with

22:58

down

22:58

and they kept

22:59

changing it

22:59

and then we kept

23:01

making fun of them

23:02

with the new name

23:03

so they had to

23:03

change the new name

23:04

to something else

23:05

and then we'd make

23:06

fun of them with

23:06

the new name

23:07

the punchline

23:09

to the entire

23:09

long bit

23:10

was you know

23:11

if you went

23:12

straight clinical

23:13

definition

23:14

american medical

23:15

association

23:16

and you said

23:17

oh

23:18

and you made

23:19

that stick

23:20

that's what

23:21

i'm gonna make

23:21

fun of you for

23:22

when you slip

23:23

on a banana peel

23:24

oh you just

23:25

exhibited some

23:25

of the

23:26

lanto axial

23:27

instability

23:28

usually associated

23:29

with the

23:29

trisomy 21

23:30

genetic disorder

23:31

you fucking

23:32

stooge

23:33

that's not

23:35

funny

23:36

my son

23:36

was bored

23:37

with the

23:37

trisomy 21

23:39

chromosomal imbalance

23:40

if you

23:41

yeah

23:43

there's certain

23:44

things you can

23:45

make fun of

23:45

though right

23:46

yes

23:46

white people

23:47

white people

23:48

are a fair game

23:49

you can be

23:49

racist as fuck

23:50

sure

23:51

especially if you're

23:52

a white guy

23:52

you hate white people

23:53

like making fun

23:54

of lawyers

23:54

they laugh

23:55

along with you

23:56

because they own

23:57

everything

23:57

yeah lawyers

23:58

are a good

23:58

one to make

23:59

fun of

23:59

but you can't

23:59

make fun

24:00

of jews

24:01

well yeah

24:02

jew is just

24:03

one of those

24:03

words where

24:04

it's all in

24:04

the inflection

24:05

as to whether

24:06

or not

24:06

you fucking

24:08

jew

24:08

whoa

24:09

right

24:09

it's all

24:10

about the jews

24:10

hey no you know

24:11

the jews are

24:11

people that

24:13

that's fine

24:14

but if you say

24:15

jew

24:15

yeah

24:16

like you say

24:18

if you say

24:18

i'm all about

24:19

jews

24:19

that's okay

24:21

yeah

24:22

i'm all about

24:23

jews

24:24

i just like

24:24

hanging out

24:25

with jews

24:25

that's it

24:26

only jews

24:26

people would go

24:27

hey you're in

24:27

the right town

24:28

like you'd be okay

24:29

like that's all right

24:30

people accept that

24:31

but if you're like

24:32

god i'm tired

24:32

of all these jews

24:33

unacceptable

24:34

unacceptable

24:36

well i overdosed

24:37

on jews

24:38

i was just around

24:38

nothing but jews

24:39

for like months

24:41

and then i just saw

24:42

a few too many

24:42

i wanted armenian

24:43

in my life

24:44

for a few days

24:44

i want to talk

24:45

to some guy

24:45

i never do sets

24:47

if i come to town

24:48

and i'm hanging

24:49

at the comedy store

24:50

it's to talk to you

24:51

and drink in the back

24:52

bar

24:52

and hang out

24:53

hey do you want

24:54

to do a set

24:55

no fucking way

24:56

do i ever want

24:57

to do a set

24:58

for normal people

24:59

i i paid my

25:01

fucking dues

25:02

i made my bones

25:03

to have a small

25:05

niche fan base

25:06

that are

25:07

unoffendable

25:08

doug i got news

25:09

for you okay

25:10

i hate to do this

25:11

to you again

25:11

but they're here

25:13

like your fans

25:14

are here

25:15

your fans are

25:16

your fans are in la

25:17

they would love it

25:17

if you did a set

25:18

there

25:18

like it's not like

25:19

they wouldn't go

25:20

they're there

25:21

like you have a lot

25:22

of fans you fuckhead

25:23

stop it with this

25:24

i don't want to work

25:25

niche group

25:26

that's horse shit

25:27

people know

25:27

you're funny

25:28

i'm tired of this

25:28

i'm talking about

25:30

when it's just

25:30

a mixed bill

25:31

of fucking

25:32

scattershot

25:33

there's 400 people

25:34

i bet 320

25:35

of them are your fans

25:36

first of all

25:37

you know this

25:38

well you still do

25:39

some shit

25:40

i saw you

25:41

last time i saw you

25:42

you were doing

25:42

one of those weird shows

25:44

where people just

25:44

called out premises

25:45

yeah stand up

25:47

on the spot

25:47

and you fucking

25:48

destroyed it

25:49

and you told me

25:49

afterwards

25:50

none of that

25:51

was planned

25:51

you had none

25:52

of that

25:52

in your holster

25:53

all of that

25:54

was off the top

25:55

of your head

25:55

which is fantastic

25:56

i was high as a kite

25:57

i barely knew

25:58

what i was saying

25:59

it's but

26:00

for me to do material

26:02

i can't do

26:03

15 minutes

26:05

i don't have

26:06

i have one bit

26:07

that's 15 minutes

26:08

just give me a

26:09

mental hug

26:10

just come into

26:10

the embrace

26:11

of the comedy store

26:12

just stop this

26:13

this bisby nonsense

26:13

why would i do it

26:15

outside of my own

26:16

comfort zone

26:17

you are in your

26:19

comfort zone

26:19

your comfort zone

26:20

is everywhere

26:20

if i went up

26:21

on stage

26:22

if i came to town

26:23

which i rarely do

26:24

i get to see you

26:27

and a million people

26:28

i never see

26:29

all in one room

26:30

and everybody loves

26:30

to see you too

26:31

but if i went on stage

26:33

then i would have

26:34

this whole anxiety

26:36

well that sucked

26:38

and i

26:38

then i'd be apologizing

26:40

for my set

26:40

oh great set

26:41

says greg proops

26:42

or someone

26:43

and then you're like

26:43

it wasn't good

26:44

i forgot this tag

26:46

and that tag

26:46

and i

26:47

rather than just

26:48

hanging out

26:48

and enjoying myself

26:49

so fuck

26:50

fuck a set

26:51

you know

26:51

here's the thing though

26:52

and this is

26:53

i'm gonna say this

26:53

with all sincerity

26:55

there's more

26:56

understanding

26:57

and camaraderie

26:59

at the store

27:00

right now

27:01

than any place

27:02

i've ever been

27:03

at any time

27:04

and even when

27:05

we have bad sets

27:06

like people

27:06

someone will have

27:07

a bad set

27:07

and like

27:08

how was it

27:08

dude i did not

27:09

connect with those people

27:10

like someone will say

27:11

you know

27:12

we'll be talking about

27:13

what went wrong

27:13

fayetteville arkansas

27:14

than the comedy store

27:16

in front of my peers

27:16

i'd rather eat shit

27:18

somewhere no one

27:18

will see it

27:19

you talk about it

27:20

and you learn

27:20

something from it

27:21

and you

27:23

it's like

27:23

it's a weird environment

27:25

but it fosters

27:26

new shit

27:27

it fosters new ideas

27:29

and taglines

27:30

and

27:30

which i was gonna say

27:32

about twitter battles

27:34

i got so much

27:35

good material

27:36

out of fighting

27:37

these

27:38

whatever it was

27:39

at the time

27:40

myspace

27:41

twitter

27:42

facebook

27:42

before that

27:43

news groups

27:44

and getting into

27:45

these angry

27:46

ugly arguments

27:47

where i'm writing

27:48

i'm writing paragraphs

27:49

in defense of

27:51

and guess what

27:52

oh i have 15 minutes

27:53

because some stooge

27:55

annoyed me

27:56

on a

27:56

alt dot comedy

27:58

dot stand up

27:59

news group

28:00

and i spent all night

28:02

fighting

28:02

accidentally

28:04

wrote a new act

28:05

that's actually

28:06

probably a good use

28:07

of it

28:08

if you could

28:08

see you and i

28:09

are very different

28:10

in that regard

28:10

i would rather just

28:11

not talk to those

28:12

people

28:12

but if you did

28:13

want to go to war

28:14

which i used to do

28:15

you can get some

28:17

material out of that

28:17

for sure

28:18

because you're forcing

28:18

yourself to think

28:19

like anytime you're

28:20

forcing yourself to

28:21

like i found that

28:22

like the best shit

28:23

that i ever write

28:24

i write completely

28:25

freeform

28:26

where i don't know

28:27

i just like

28:27

like

28:28

i'll

28:29

i'll just start

28:30

thinking about

28:31

uh

28:32

any subject

28:33

and just start writing

28:34

i'm not specifically

28:35

trying to write jokes

28:35

and on

28:36

on the way

28:37

i can like

28:38

kind of suck

28:38

those jokes

28:39

out of there

28:40

do you do that

28:40

like how do you

28:41

it depends on

28:42

the the premise

28:43

but the best

28:45

premises i have

28:46

i write like

28:47

a defense attorney

28:48

so

28:49

that's a great way

28:50

you can plug in

28:51

you can plug in

28:51

the jokes afterwards

28:52

once the justice

28:54

has left

28:55

the courtroom

28:56

all rise

28:57

then you put in

28:58

the fist fuck jokes

28:59

yeah there's

29:01

there's a got

29:01

it's super important

29:03

to have a balance

29:04

right

29:04

and you gotta find out

29:05

where that balance is

29:05

like when you can

29:06

get away with a premise

29:07

you gotta stack it

29:09

just right

29:10

like you just stack it

29:11

the wrong way

29:12

one way

29:13

and you look like

29:13

you're patronizing

29:14

and you're full of shit

29:15

stack it the wrong way

29:17

the other way

29:17

you look like

29:17

you're a sexist

29:18

or a republican

29:19

in secret

29:20

oh man

29:21

do i have notes

29:22

the new

29:26

current

29:26

current climate

29:27

yeah

29:28

i'm sure

29:29

right

29:30

imagine working

29:30

for a television show

29:31

i wanted to bring this up

29:32

i'm glad we just got

29:33

to talking about this

29:34

sam cedar

29:35

got fired yesterday

29:37

i missed this

29:38

so clue me in

29:39

i just saw someone

29:40

on twitter

29:41

saying

29:41

here's the deal

29:42

sam cedar

29:43

who's a

29:43

heavy left wing fellow

29:46

who

29:47

was apparently

29:48

in some sort

29:49

of a dispute

29:49

with the alt-right

29:50

i don't know

29:52

what was going on

29:53

i think it was

29:53

about roy moore

29:54

like there's one

29:55

of those things

29:55

and

29:56

they pulled up

29:58

a tweet of his

29:59

and took it out

30:00

of context

30:00

from 2009

30:02

yeah

30:03

and the tweet

30:04

was

30:05

i'm gonna paraphrase it

30:06

i don't wanna fuck it up

30:07

actually jamie

30:07

pull it up

30:08

so we can find

30:08

the exact tweet

30:09

you know that

30:10

if you paraphrase it

30:11

you're gonna sound

30:12

funnier than he would

30:13

i don't

30:16

it wasn't that

30:16

funny rogan

30:17

i don't wanna edit your act

30:18

if i was gonna edit your act

30:19

this is how i would say it

30:21

did you find it

30:24

he just actually

30:25

tweeted one minute ago

30:26

about it

30:26

here's essentially

30:27

what it is

30:28

if you can't find it

30:29

you gotta find it

30:30

and you gotta find the

30:31

cause i don't wanna

30:31

fuck this up

30:32

i can't tell you

30:33

how many times

30:33

i've told hennigan

30:34

about

30:35

no this comic

30:36

you gotta see

30:37

this is a great comic

30:38

they do this bit

30:38

and i do the bit

30:39

for him

30:40

and he's like

30:40

oh that's funny

30:41

and uh

30:42

and then he sees them

30:43

oh you do it

30:44

so much better

30:44

that other guy's

30:45

got too many words

30:46

he's using too many words

30:48

he's distracting you

30:50

and lilted into retarded

30:51

distracting you

30:52

with the middle premise

30:53

oh

30:54

oh

30:55

that's not funny

30:56

um

30:57

but anyway

30:57

msnbc

30:59

got a swarm

31:00

of emails

31:01

like they

31:02

these people

31:03

like attacked

31:04

you know

31:05

these alt-right fellows

31:06

attacked

31:07

and uh

31:08

started saying

31:09

that this guy

31:10

had tweeted

31:11

a

31:11

which is essentially

31:12

a rape joke

31:13

and that we would

31:14

never sponsor you

31:15

and we're gonna like

31:15

contact your sponsors

31:16

this is what he said

31:17

you got a thing

31:18

covering over the

31:19

uh

31:20

it's a picture of it

31:21

don't care

31:22

if

31:23

i e

31:24

oh go

31:25

don't care

31:26

r e polanski

31:27

but i hope

31:28

if my daughter

31:28

is ever raped

31:29

by an older

31:29

truly talented man

31:31

with a great

31:31

oh

31:32

i

31:32

but

31:33

i hope

31:33

if my daughter

31:34

is ever raped

31:35

it is by

31:36

an older

31:37

truly talented man

31:38

with a great

31:39

sense of

31:40

mise en scene

31:42

mise en scene

31:43

i don't know

31:44

that's

31:44

what it is

31:45

is a

31:45

here's the part

31:46

here's part of the problem

31:47

he deleted this

31:48

which he regrets doing

31:49

but it's a part of a

31:50

series of tweets

31:51

all of them that

31:53

criticize people's

31:54

support of roman

31:55

polanski

31:55

because roman polanski

31:57

had raped kids

31:58

but he did

31:59

really good films

32:00

and he was like

32:01

do you know how

32:02

fucking disgusting

32:03

that is

32:03

he was essentially

32:04

saying

32:04

this is a horrific

32:05

way to look at this

32:07

like this guy

32:08

raped a baby

32:09

right

32:10

he raped like a

32:10

13 year old

32:11

yeah

32:11

right

32:12

so

32:13

this was a part

32:14

of a series of tweets

32:15

all expressing this

32:17

and that was clearly

32:17

satire

32:18

and msnbc

32:20

capitulated

32:20

and they fired him

32:22

and uh

32:23

i

32:24

you know

32:24

i don't know him

32:26

i know people who do

32:27

know him

32:28

some that like him

32:29

you know

32:29

and it's uh

32:30

i just

32:31

i don't have a dog

32:33

in this fight

32:33

but that's crazy

32:34

that's crazy

32:35

if you look at

32:36

what this

32:37

the joke was

32:38

and then

32:38

the fact that he

32:39

deleted it

32:40

and then on top of that

32:40

the

32:41

is he apologizing for it

32:43

no he's not

32:44

he's good

32:45

he's not

32:45

what he did was

32:46

he made a video

32:47

explaining

32:47

what the joke was

32:49

why he said it

32:50

and the

32:51

the fact that it was

32:52

a part of a series

32:53

of tweets that he said

32:54

but it doesn't matter

32:57

once that fucking

32:57

outrage machine

32:58

i was just asked

32:59

if i regret my tweet

33:00

from 2009

33:01

i regret laziness

33:02

led me to delete it

33:03

i would never regret

33:05

criticizing rape apologists

33:07

and i agree with that

33:09

fantastic

33:10

i don't know sam cedar

33:12

i don't either

33:13

but i know

33:14

that he could probably

33:14

start a podcast

33:15

and make a decent living

33:17

and not have to work

33:18

for someone

33:19

who's gonna fire him

33:20

well he i think

33:21

he has his own show

33:22

minority report

33:23

right

33:23

isn't that his own show

33:24

is that his own

33:26

internet show

33:27

because that's what

33:27

he

33:27

plug it

33:28

yeah

33:28

and you know

33:29

and here's the other thing

33:30

he isn't

33:32

he had a dispute

33:33

more than once

33:33

i believe

33:34

with my good friend

33:35

sam harris

33:36

and he accused

33:37

sam harris

33:38

of being

33:38

name sounds familiar

33:39

sam harris

33:40

is a neuroscientist

33:41

some people don't like

33:42

that term

33:43

they don't

33:44

he's an author

33:46

he runs

33:47

has a podcast

33:47

he's essentially

33:48

an intellectual

33:49

very very very smart guy

33:51

one of the smartest guys

33:51

i ever have in my podcast

33:52

so what was their beef

33:53

sam harris believes

33:55

that all ideologies

33:57

are inherently dangerous

33:58

and islam

33:58

is very problematic

33:59

and many people

34:01

on the left

34:02

think that when you

34:03

criticize islam

34:04

that you are

34:05

some sort of a racist

34:06

you're akin to a racist

34:07

whereas if you

34:08

criticize christianity

34:09

you're someone

34:10

who's just not a rube

34:11

right

34:11

it gets to that weird thing

34:13

because of brown skin

34:14

and people's desire

34:16

to not be perceived

34:17

as racist

34:17

so they go way overboard

34:18

with it

34:19

and sam harris

34:20

which is what's happening

34:21

with the me too thing

34:22

where you go

34:23

i see all the benefits

34:24

of people coming out

34:26

and it's putting the fear

34:28

in a fucking everybody

34:30

who did i fuck 20 years ago

34:32

go ahead

34:32

exactly

34:33

no but i just wanted to

34:33

just for sam's sake

34:35

like he's not a racist

34:36

by any stretch of the imagination

34:37

he doesn't like ideologies

34:39

he doesn't like something

34:41

that makes you think

34:42

that god wants you to kill people

34:44

he doesn't want

34:45

i mean whether or not

34:45

you interpret that

34:46

the way the christians do

34:48

i mean there's not a lot

34:49

of people killing people

34:50

over some shit

34:50

from the fucking old testament

34:51

you know there's no one out there

34:53

in the acting

34:53

the rage of god

34:55

for people wearing

34:56

two different types of cloth

34:57

right

34:58

because

34:58

christians are generally

35:01

better off

35:02

financially

35:03

yeah once you get

35:04

a lot of fucking toys

35:05

and yeah you dismiss

35:06

a lot of that

35:07

i should kill myself

35:08

in the name of blank

35:09

that's a fucking good point

35:10

you know and i've always wondered

35:11

if you look at

35:12

like the middle east

35:13

you're not looking at

35:15

like lush

35:15

lush tropical forests

35:17

and beautiful beaches

35:18

like brazil

35:18

you know where everybody's happy

35:20

and they want to play

35:20

fucking volleyball

35:22

on the beach

35:22

and do jujitsu

35:23

everybody's having a party

35:24

no it's not

35:25

yeah saudi princes

35:26

yeah they still wear the garb

35:27

but then once they get

35:28

behind the gold-plated

35:30

palace doors

35:30

yeah there's dicks

35:32

swinging and fucking

35:32

champagne flowing

35:33

but outside it's all

35:35

just sand

35:35

right like think about that

35:37

and poor people

35:37

yeah

35:38

that have nothing better

35:39

that's why jesus works

35:41

in the mid east

35:42

i mean mid west

35:43

where you're in fucking indiana

35:45

and you have fields to plow

35:48

and it's gonna be shitty

35:49

gray

35:50

angry weather

35:51

and yeah maybe jesus

35:52

is the only thing

35:53

getting you through

35:54

another year

35:54

another harvest

35:55

and you put a marble

35:56

on the highway

35:57

and it just sits there

35:59

you thump it

36:01

it doesn't keep rolling

36:02

there's no hills

36:03

bitch

36:03

there's no hills

36:04

it's the fucking worst

36:05

indiana's the worst state

36:07

in the fucking country

36:08

but even in indiana

36:09

if they found gold

36:10

and it became like

36:11

qatar or some shit

36:13

they just

36:14

you know

36:14

they found oil

36:15

they found like some

36:16

crazy new patch of oil

36:17

and all of a sudden

36:18

they started building

36:19

the world's tallest

36:20

building there

36:21

and all the same

36:22

kind of shit

36:23

they do in dubai

36:23

i mean dubai

36:24

apparently is insane now

36:26

they have indoor

36:27

surfing things

36:27

in dubai

36:28

in the middle of that

36:29

you get a surfboard

36:30

and you're indoor surfing

36:31

you could ski indoors

36:33

they have indoor skiing

36:34

in dubai

36:34

and you're gonna have

36:36

that here in the compound

36:37

do you have a name

36:38

for this new

36:40

studio establishment

36:42

it's kind of worn

36:43

yeah

36:43

plus i think

36:45

anthony cumia

36:46

anthony cumia

36:47

who i have to give

36:49

his props to

36:50

he's probably the reason

36:51

why i started a podcast

36:52

it was first of all

36:53

because he was a part

36:54

of opie and anthony

36:54

which was the first time

36:56

i ever thought

36:56

like i really liked

36:57

doing radio

36:58

the way opie and anthony

36:59

did it

37:00

it was great

37:00

we would come in

37:01

you love doing it

37:02

too right

37:02

yeah

37:02

but i remember

37:03

first doing it

37:04

going wow

37:05

am i the shitty episode

37:06

because no one

37:07

really talked a lot

37:08

we just had fun

37:09

i know

37:10

it took me a minute

37:11

to oh

37:12

they just decided

37:13

to do what they

37:14

wanted to do

37:14

with radio

37:15

i just thought

37:16

i was boring

37:16

because there's

37:17

no bells and whistles

37:18

and fake laughs

37:19

and to this day

37:20

i don't think

37:21

opie and anthony

37:21

got the credit

37:22

that it deserved

37:23

because i think

37:24

that they let us

37:25

they let us

37:26

like they're the best show

37:27

they were the best show

37:29

ever

37:29

they don't exist anymore

37:30

unfortunately

37:30

but they were the best show

37:32

ever to go on as a comic

37:33

do they exist

37:34

in their own world

37:36

they do

37:36

anthony does

37:37

he still has his thing

37:38

opie was recently fired

37:40

i don't

37:40

i don't know what

37:41

i didn't know if he started

37:42

his own thing

37:43

i don't know if he can

37:44

i don't know if norton's

37:45

still doing his thing

37:45

with sam

37:46

norton is

37:47

norton's still doing his thing

37:48

with sam

37:48

and norton does a thing

37:49

with the ufc too

37:50

he does ufc uncensored

37:51

with matt sarah

37:52

which is hilarious

37:52

and norton also does

37:54

the chip chipperson podcast

37:55

he does all that

37:56

on his own now

37:57

yeah i've never listened

37:58

to it but i've

37:59

i've been tweeted

38:00

about it enough

38:00

to know that it's a character

38:02

oh it's hilarious

38:03

it's so uncomfortable

38:04

it's so good

38:06

it's one of my favorite

38:07

things that he does

38:08

it's fucking amazing

38:09

you want to see a video

38:10

of it

38:10

not right now

38:11

we're in a live broadcast

38:15

i know but i'll pull it up

38:16

sometimes

38:17

i hated making people

38:18

listen to 30 seconds

38:20

of cha cha cha

38:21

it was good

38:22

i liked it

38:22

let people know

38:23

a lot of people don't know

38:24

there's a lot of shit

38:25

people don't know

38:26

you know

38:27

there's only one way

38:28

to find out

38:28

someone has to tell you

38:29

i find out from commercials

38:30

that'll help

38:31

that'll work

38:32

you know

38:33

i know corona still sucks

38:34

as a beer

38:35

but i like the song

38:36

that you use

38:37

thank you

38:37

how dare you

38:38

are they a sponsor

38:39

i like a corona

38:40

with lime

38:40

if i'm in some tropical climate

38:42

and i want a beer

38:43

but i don't really want a beer

38:44

yeah it's a

38:45

i want a soda

38:46

but i want to stay drunk

38:47

you know what a moscow mule is

38:48

yeah what is that

38:49

it's uh some drink

38:51

but they

38:51

uh there was a surplus

38:53

of copper at the time

38:54

so the guy

38:55

in order to get rid of copper

38:57

said oh you have to drink it

38:58

out of a copper cup

38:59

and it was just a big ruse

39:00

and now copper

39:01

it's going to be in a copper cup

39:03

and i don't know how they did that

39:04

with corona and a lime

39:06

oh no you put a lime

39:07

in this beer

39:08

yeah that's true right

39:09

why does it have a lime

39:10

and every now and then

39:11

someone sticks a lime

39:11

in a dos equis

39:12

and you're like what

39:13

like what is this

39:16

what is this

39:17

wow you've become judgmental

39:18

yeah

39:19

in your old beer drinking years

39:21

yeah i get weird

39:22

you know i get weird

39:24

when it comes to drinks

39:25

but corona's not a bad beer

39:27

it's just not a strong beer

39:29

it's it's fine

39:30

when i'm in a place

39:31

that's dark

39:32

i like to drink real shit

39:34

i like to drink like an ipa

39:36

or a guinness

39:37

or jack daniels

39:38

that's what i like to drink

39:39

in a dark

39:40

i like a dark wood environment

39:42

with some shitty neon lights

39:44

this

39:45

your studio

39:46

is a great

39:47

dark

39:48

this is a bar

39:50

that i would go to

39:51

i would go to here

39:52

dark

39:52

hardwood bar

39:54

it's a little bright

39:55

i'd be like

39:56

it's kind of annoying

39:56

in this place

39:57

if like

39:58

if you know

39:58

cameras weren't on

39:59

we'd considerably tone this down

40:01

this is no

40:02

if you came out of that

40:03

bright sunlight

40:04

oh yeah yeah

40:05

this would be calm

40:05

you came into this

40:06

you go oh

40:07

brick

40:08

especially if it's hot outside

40:09

which by the way

40:10

it might get hot here

40:11

any minute now

40:11

there is a fucking fire

40:13

in ventura

40:13

and the winds are insane

40:15

right now

40:15

and the fire

40:16

through ventura

40:17

is just tearing things apart

40:19

i've got the alert on my phone

40:21

in the uber drive over

40:22

what what what

40:23

be careful

40:24

warning warning

40:25

it's bad man

40:26

i mean it is bad

40:27

and it scares the shit out of me

40:28

because i

40:29

you have kids somewhere

40:30

yes there's that

40:32

for sure

40:32

um but

40:33

what it scares the shit out of me

40:35

is that

40:35

in the short term

40:37

i think most people

40:38

are going to get out of there

40:39

if they prepare

40:40

and move accordingly

40:41

but you gotta

40:43

you gotta realize

40:44

what this is

40:45

like this is something

40:46

that when you get a fire

40:47

this size

40:48

it's burned

40:49

back that up a little bit

40:50

so you can get the numbers

40:51

just in today

40:52

it's burned

40:53

45,000 acres

40:55

destroyed at least

40:56

150 structures

40:57

and forced

40:57

20,000 people

40:58

27,000 people

41:00

to evacuate

41:01

and they can't stop it

41:03

they don't have enough manpower

41:04

when something is this big

41:06

and it's this strong

41:08

and the winds are this fucking crazy

41:10

you look at how

41:11

those trees are blowing over sideways

41:12

and these fucking houses

41:14

are up in flames

41:15

i mean it's

41:16

how do they even have enough water

41:17

i don't have no idea

41:19

where i live

41:19

city hall just burned down

41:22

the city hall building

41:23

and just them

41:25

putting the fire out

41:26

everyone's water went out

41:28

there was not enough water

41:29

you couldn't turn on your taps

41:30

because they used it all

41:31

to put out city hall

41:33

i wonder if there's like a chart

41:35

where you could see

41:35

where you could go back to 9-11

41:37

and then post 9-11

41:38

how many women

41:39

got impregnated

41:40

by firefighters

41:41

like how many

41:43

because remember when firefighters

41:44

like after 9-11

41:45

remember they were real heroes

41:46

yeah i know

41:47

people have kind of like

41:48

taken them for granted

41:48

until they do something

41:49

to actually save your house

41:50

i used to do that bit

41:52

about the

41:52

after 9-11

41:54

firefighters and cops

41:55

were getting so much

41:56

hero pussy

41:57

they were launching it

41:58

like a rotted octopus

42:00

out of out of

42:02

what do you call those

42:04

slingshots

42:04

slingshots

42:05

wrist rocket

42:05

they'd have to swat them down

42:06

with tennis rackets

42:07

i had this whole bit

42:08

about hero pussy

42:09

so true right

42:11

yeah

42:12

not well then the war came

42:14

and then all the

42:15

that was i think the bit

42:16

was all the troops

42:17

are getting the hero pussy

42:18

that 9-11

42:19

first responders

42:20

used to get

42:21

and now they're just

42:22

hanging around bars

42:23

going remember me

42:24

yeah man

42:27

do you know google

42:29

has this crazy thing

42:30

on its phone

42:30

that i was paying

42:31

attention to recently

42:32

where you um

42:33

you say something

42:34

like hello my name

42:35

is doug stanhope

42:36

and then it translates

42:36

it out loud

42:37

to someone else

42:38

like through your phone

42:39

they talk to your phone

42:41

and they'll say

42:42

you know

42:42

me hablo pedro

42:43

and they go through

42:46

the thing

42:46

it translates it

42:47

and then it changes

42:48

it in your ear

42:49

to what english is

42:50

the english version

42:51

of that

42:51

babblefish

42:52

what's it called

42:53

babblefish

42:54

something like it

42:55

that's what it was

42:56

on the hitchhiker's

42:57

gate of the galaxy

42:57

oh okay

42:59

so applefish

43:00

yeah

43:00

i saw this

43:02

i saw this

43:03

it's a new feature

43:04

on this phone

43:05

called the google pixel

43:06

and i said

43:07

i don't think people

43:08

and you have to have

43:09

these pixel earbuds

43:09

that do it

43:10

or you can actually

43:11

do it through the phone

43:11

i think without the earbuds

43:12

but i don't think

43:14

people understand

43:14

how crazy this is

43:15

like if they're just

43:17

starting this thing out

43:17

like it used to be

43:18

you couldn't really

43:19

talk to your phone

43:20

now you could like

43:21

you could do a google

43:22

search by just

43:23

pressing that speaker

43:24

button

43:24

say who is brian

43:25

hennigan

43:25

and then it'll

43:26

boop

43:27

in like seconds

43:28

it'll pull up

43:28

your wikipedia

43:29

who is doug stanhope

43:31

in seconds

43:32

like what is gonna

43:33

if they can do

43:34

this thing right

43:35

we're gonna have

43:36

a thing in our ear

43:37

like a little earbud

43:38

and you're gonna be able

43:39

to talk to people

43:40

all over the fucking planet

43:41

it's gonna get

43:42

super strange

43:43

people that

43:44

speak arabic languages

43:45

people in

43:47

south america

43:49

you're gonna

43:49

I still

43:50

every

43:50

so many of these

43:52

technological advances

43:54

I think about you

43:55

and your bits

43:56

back in the day

43:58

why do they have

43:59

all these things

44:00

on the cell phone

44:01

that replace

44:02

what a cell phone

44:03

is

44:03

yeah well

44:04

the idea was like

44:05

why are you making me read

44:06

yeah text me

44:07

it takes me four buttons

44:09

to make an S

44:10

call me

44:11

just call me

44:13

back then I would have

44:14

never thought

44:14

that text messaging

44:16

would become popular

44:17

like there's a bit

44:18

that you could never do today

44:19

I could only do that bit

44:20

in 2005

44:21

yeah

44:22

when it was real

44:23

like people were starting

44:24

to send you text messages

44:25

like what the fuck is this

44:26

you would get it on your phone

44:27

you'd go

44:27

why don't you just call me stupid

44:28

why are you making me reply

44:30

with my thumb

44:31

like real slow

44:32

and awkward

44:33

it shows how much

44:34

you don't really

44:35

want to talk to your friends

44:36

I don't want to have to say

44:37

hey how you been

44:38

what's going on

44:40

how's the kids

44:41

how's your sister

44:41

yeah

44:42

I just need one

44:43

simple response

44:44

I respect Joey Diaz for that

44:47

Joey Diaz will not do that with you

44:48

and I think he's right

44:49

I've been thinking about it

44:50

more and more lately

44:51

I have these weird

44:52

text message conversations

44:54

with people

44:54

I'm like

44:54

why am I even doing this

44:56

I need to look at you

44:57

you need to know I like you

44:58

like we're friends

44:59

if we're gonna socialize

45:00

don't fucking text me

45:02

hey how's it going

45:03

that's a bar conversation

45:05

yeah you can't do that

45:05

see me in a bar

45:06

I don't want to sit

45:07

and catch up via text

45:09

hey how about that one

45:11

been a long time

45:12

hey

45:12

yeah

45:13

how about just hey

45:14

yeah hey

45:14

fuck is this

45:16

what are you 12

45:17

your kid getting my phone

45:19

your kid's got my phone number

45:21

motherfucker

45:21

what's going on

45:22

hey

45:22

see me in a bar

45:23

and then sit down

45:24

and say hey

45:25

are you 12

45:26

and I'll go what

45:27

hey

45:28

hi

45:29

you can say that to your friend

45:30

like hey

45:31

hey

45:31

yeah

45:32

usually that's the extent

45:34

of what I have to say anyway

45:36

hey

45:36

we got it all out of the way

45:37

high five

45:38

you can't high five on text

45:39

but you probably have an emoji

45:41

you can't hey on text

45:43

you know what you definitely can't do

45:44

you can't yo

45:45

you lazy fuck

45:47

you wanna talk

45:48

you ain't got shit to say

45:49

yo

45:50

I need affirmation

45:53

that we're still friends

45:54

just yo

45:55

it's kind of part of the business

45:56

we're not gonna be close friends

45:58

over a quarter of a century

46:00

just because

46:01

of text messaging

46:02

I don't live in your town

46:04

you're gonna lose brownie points

46:05