Whitney Cummings on Plastic Surgery and Breast Enhancement

There's a lot, I don't know. I mean look, I definitely get nervous sometimes and people, everyone always like, accuse me of doing my shit to my face. I'm like, no, you'll know. I'll look like a fucking moon bounce. You worry that you're gonna do it eventually? Yes, for sure. Why do people accuse you of it? Because you don't look like you did. Thank you. You have a very thin nose though. People would worry that you did your nose. It's wild because you'd think I got my nose done but my nostrils are crooked. I went to a doctor in Beverly Hills because I had sinus problems for the longest time and he actually said, you know, I can, you have a septic, what is a deviated septum? Deviated septum. He was like, we can get a nose job? Totally. And I never did it because, you know. But your nose is thin. Thank you. If he did it, what would he do? Make it thinner? Make my nostrils equal, even. They're really asymmetrical and it's like problematic and sometimes in... It's problematic. And when I do something in television sometimes they have to fix my nostrils and posts to make them even. Why? Who gives a fuck about your nostrils? It's just distracting. I feel like those things are there just to find out who's really weird. Like if you're really freaking out about someone's asymmetrical nostrils. Yeah. It's just, I mean, the key to most movie stars is they're symmetrical, you know. They're just like, you know, think about it. The most beautiful women in the world have some symmetry. But yeah, I don't, it's wild. I mean, I have, I mean, I talk about it in my special. I have had surgery on my boobs. I did have boobs done. Hollow. Which is kind of, this might interest you. I was learning because I had all kinds of shit. And the way that they make boobs look good is, because I think I heard you talking about someone about the shitty old Brezen plants. The way they make them good now is that they put you on like a crucifix. Oh, Jesus Christ. And they do the surgery while you're standing up. What? So that they... Oh, cold? Yes. So that they fall well. Oh my God. Really? Oh, that's nuts. So I finally went to a guy that knew how to do that. Yeah. It's fucking wild. But so I admit what I have, you know, but on my face, it is alarming because it does feel like female comedians, a couple of famous ones that we know when they age, went down that route. I don't know if it's like the same thing that got you into comedy. It's the same thing that made you think you had to do that. I mean, I think a lot of stuff about like childhood sexual abuse, when people go really off the grid with their face, that's like a type of dysmorphia or a lot of people, a lot of psychologists have said, because I've talked to a therapist whose job is in dysmorphia to advise on whether another surgery should be done by somebody. Like if they're getting dysmorphic and a lot of times it's if you've had childhood sexual abuse, you want to change your face so that it's not... You don't see the person in the mirror that got it. Right. Well, that's the Michael Jackson thing. Yeah. It's like a childhood trauma thing. Yes, yes. Yeah, the Michael Jackson thing was always that he hated his father and he hated looking at his father in his own face. So when it's that extreme, I try to like not judge because I'm like, oh, there might be some psychological shit that I don't know about. For sure. You know, but it's getting worse and worse with this Instagram shit because kids are growing. I mean, it used to be like we had acne and we'd go to school with acne, you know, but now it's like you're projecting this flawless, perfect face and then you have to show up to school with fucking acne the next day. Also, it's like people want their face to actually look like an Instagram filter, which is bananas. Bananas. Photoshop. It doesn't, but again, it's a test to see who's fucked up. Like who wants that? Not girl. Who wants that as far as guy? Like what guy wants that? I'm so confounded by what I'm seeing, but like also you just want to look like everybody else when you're young. Well, the weird thing is women wanting to be super skinny. That's a weird one. I feel like that's always been around, no? Well, it's a model skinny thing. It's not attractive to men. Yeah. Like men like asses. Yeah. I mean, everyone's different, right? Yeah. I like girls with meat. Well, because that also translates to fertility. I mean, it's like we want someone that looks fertile. For sure. And, you know. Healthy. Yeah. I want a girl to carry a couch with me. For real. That's really endearing. I want a girl who can pick up the end of the couch. Come on, let's move it over here. I don't expect you to pick up the whole couch. You want to move someone the way sort of. Pick up that fucking end of the couch. Yeah, pull your weight. It's going to be harder for you than me, but we don't have to carry it that far.