Veteran Dakota Meyer on Receiving Ibogaine Therapy for PTSD

But it seems like the difficulty of combat is way more intense and way more insane. And obviously way more intense, way more insane. But way more difficult to overcome and to learn things from. It seems like for a lot of the combat veterans that I talk to, their experiences are kind of like burned in their brain in some way. Where it's not like you're, I'm sure they're stronger because of the adversity they've been through. But also some of it is too much. And it just leaves them shooken. You know they used to call it shell shock. Remember? I mean that's what they used to call it before it was PTSD. But troops are coming back from Vietnam. They called them fucking shell shocked. I mean I think that was me for a long time. For sure. I mean that was me for a long time. Did you get counseling for that? Did you like how did you? I went to Mexico. What was in Mexico? I went down and I did Ibogaine. Oh. Did we talk about that the first time you were in the podcast? No I think I did it afterwards. Oh really? Interesting. But yeah no I went to- How was that? It gave me my life back. I mean it gave me my life back. Like I went down and I just got to the end. And I talked about it in this book. You know I was going through my divorce. I- gosh I did- you talk about not knowing what was next. I mean literally you know just gosh I was just melting down. Just melting down from the inside. And finally like one of my friends looked at me and was like he's like hey I just went and did this. This is the date you're going. You need to go do this. And it was at that point like you know I grew up in Kentucky and I mean I grew up with weed is bad. I mean all this right you know what I mean? And for me it was just such a- it was just such a- to think that I was going to do psychedelics. It was just like such a- it was like a moral thing for me right? I mean it was a moral- Dilemma. Dilemma. Yeah. And- but I mean it was all I had left and I knew that for my daughters I needed to do something. Can you describe the experience? Yeah I mean I went down and- Where'd you go? To- well I flew into San Diego and then we just went across the border somewhere I don't like- Oh it was like close to Tijuana? The south of that like- started with an E. So yeah I don't know where it was. But went down there and took the Ibogaine at like 8pm at night on Friday. And I kicked in like an hour later. And it was like I was walking through this- this like gloomy city. I was kind of like walking through a gloomy city like it like overcast. Does that make sense? Yeah. And I just remember like I went into this one room and it was like I mean I could see the street signs and everything. And I walked out on this stage and there was like all these people in this room. And it was like they were going by like- you know like those old slide shows like they were just spinning by. And I was seeing these people and I was in there and I just felt like this- everybody was disappointed in me. And like I see all these people and I just felt like all this disappointment. I was like running around like going up to people like why- like what did I do- what can I fix? Like how can I fix this? Like what did I do wrong? Like I'm sorry. And it was like all these people that- that I- just people in my life- like I could see their faces. People in my life that I've tried so hard to be good enough for and you just- you ain't going to be good enough for them, right? And so I left that room. I was in there for a few hours. And I left that room and then I was walking through the town and I would go up and I would look at these like- these fuel gauges- I could see these fuel gauges and they were like- it had E for empty. Or yeah E for empty and then F it was like finished. And everything was like this far from finished. It was like I never finished anything. And then I seen this like beautiful ball light and I went to it and in it was like my daughter's playing and I just felt like so much peace. And then there was like obviously like different moments of- I'll never forget this one moment in it. I just like- I almost like- because I mean you could see- I mean I could like open my eyes. I mean it was really blurry but like I was- I was present, right? And I was going to just ask the doctor. Like I was like I just don't want to be here anymore. Like I can't do this. And I obviously- I knew that he was going to say there's nothing I can do about it. So I stayed there and I just remember it breaking my ego. I remember focusing on my ego. I remember like fighting it just like- just realizing that all this was ego. That my ego just- the best way to describe it was like it didn't make me like- you know like when you drink like you kind of feel numb. This was like my soul. Like it was like it was just- it just like- it was like my soul had gone through a workout. Like a workout on it, right? Like just an ass kicking workout. And it just broke my ego. You know like it just- it just showed me so much about my ego. And there was just- I just remember like at one point I was like I don't care. I don't even care anymore. I don't care what people think. I don't care like I'm not going to live by what people think. I just- I remember just saying like just all I could just say back and forth was I don't care. I don't care. This was why you were tripping? Well I was tripping. And so I was on it until from 8pm on Friday night and I came out of it at like 2 or 3pm on Saturday. Wow. And I came out of it and I was mad. The guy that sent me there I was so mad at. I was like why? I didn't need this. I was like I didn't need to feel like this. I felt terrible. Why are you mad at him? Well because I was like you know you told me this was going to help me. And I didn't need to see all my problems, right? It kind of like just brought my problems out and made me look at them. And realized that I needed to do something to change these. So why would you be mad at him then? Well I was mad because he sent me there and I thought he was going to help me and I felt like it made me worse, right? In that moment you did? In that moment. And then I did DMT the next day. 5MEO. And it was that that was what brought it all together. The next day we did 5MEO and I was so like I was down. I was depressed. I was like upset because it just like I just I was like gosh I just didn't need to see all this. But I don't understand if you think it's beneficial why were you upset at him that you did why and why did you think you did indeed to see it? Well what I'm saying is all of it together was beneficial. The Ibogaine by itself wasn't? The Ibogaine well I mean no I think it opened Pandora's box for me, right? Because it made you think about things. Yeah. But isn't it better maybe to think about them than to suppress them in the back of your head? I mean the experience I could just it was like an ass kicking right? Like it was just like it was like the ultimate ass kicking. It was miserable like I was throwing up. I'm saying it's good for you. I'm saying like but when I put it together with the DMT and I did the DMT the next day it brought it all back together, right? Like you know after I did the DMT I'll never forget like we I took you know I took the hit of it and I laid back and it was like I was gone through this tube. It was just like this tube like almost like a water slide, right? Yeah, I've done it. You feel like you're in the center of the universe or something like you don't exist anymore. It was beautiful. It was so beautiful. Like the white that I seen was like there's no white. There's no color here that could ever do like same. It was so beautiful. I felt so much love. Like it was like pure love. It was like how I felt like whenever I met my kids you know like whenever I was there when when Atlee was born when I met Sailor like the love that I have for them. It was like that but times a million you could just feel it. It was like so good like it just showed that like there is good and for me I put it together and it's like it's inside me. Good's inside of us. Feeling good like like those good things are inside of us and it's just our ego that keeps us from feeling and being happy. So the Ibogaine gave you this understanding of all the conflicts that you've caused and whether it's inter-relational with other people or even with yourself by not finishing things and not following through on things. Yeah. Do you think that it was trying to show you that some part of your problems lie in the fact that maybe you don't respect your own efforts like when you when you look at that you haven't finished things. Do you think like it was showing you that you don't ever respect for yourself because you don't respect the effort that you put into things. Yeah. I think it showed me that like yeah. I think it I think I think it showed me that like yes I don't. Right. Like I don't I look at I look at everything as well if you do good. Well that was what you were supposed to do. Right. And if you like the only thing that I've and I still I still struggle with it right. Like the only thing that I feel is like whenever I mess up you know like if I just I live in this mindset of well I can always be better. I just I see you know like I stay focused on that aspect of it of like what did I do wrong. And it's a hard thing. It's a hard balance because I always want to be better. I always want to be I always want to be better. I want to give you my best. And you know like so I think that that was what it kind of showed me was that hey you know like like it's okay to you know you can do your best. As long as you do your best that's what matters and as long as you're intense good. That's what matters like you're going to mess up like that's normal. And I think it was like it gave me like I don't know maybe a little grace on myself of you know because I just have this I have this problem of I I just always want to do more. You know I always want to do more for people. It's just it's like I don't know like it's it plays against me a lot. You always want to do more for people. Do you always want to do more for yourself as well. Do you always want to do more in terms of like the effort that you put towards things like when you say you always want to do more is it just with doing things for people. I mean yeah I mean like I don't I mean like the more I can help myself the more I can help people. You know like I like if I could do anything in the world like I would take all the pain off of everybody else right like I don't I don't want anybody hurt you know and I just I think that everything that I do is about trying to help people. You know like that's kind of what what I I find fulfilling is seeing people happy. Well that's a beautiful thing man. I mean that's a great way to think about life too. If you enjoy making people happy and you know how to make people happy you know there's things you can do that can enhance people's happiness.