Tim Dillon Rants About His Time Working on a Cruise Ship

On that Diamond Princess cruise ship, only 17% of people got it. Those people are living together very close quarters like a Petri dish. Yup, and they're all breathing recirculated air. Yeah, but only 17% of people got it. How is that possible? Because I don't think it's as transmissible as we think. Bro, imagine being stuck on one of those cruise ships with people coughing in the distance. It's horrible without a pandemic. Yeah. But I don't think... But imagine right now, because I'm high. So let me tell you. If I'm in a boat right now, right? I'm in this metal thing, which is in the middle of the dark ocean. Yeah. Especially at nighttime. Yeah. Right? So you're in this thing floating around literally in the center of the goddamn ocean. Yeah. For some strange reason, you've agreed to be on this metal thing that floats. Which doesn't make any sense. It's gross. It's gross. Metal floating makes zero sense. A giant metal thing floating. Look at all those fucking people. And you're there with the worst people in the world. And if you fall off the side, you're dead. Some people try to kill themselves. You know what's really... This is true. Some guy tried to kill himself on the boat. This is how sad this was. They saw him. And they caught him. They caught him, and they brought him back on the boat. Oh, my God. So literally at the buffet, the next day, everybody's like, that's the guy that tried to kill himself. Like, how horrible is that? You're back. You're back. Oh, my God. I imagine being at a breakfast buffet after the... Sorry, guys. I was having a rough night. One guy killed his wife on a cruise, because I went on the impractical joker's cruise. I went on one cruise, and it was just to perform, right? Me and a bunch of other comics went. And we were talking to some of the cruise people, and they said one guy pushed his wife off the side. Yeah. And then he just didn't care. He went to, like, 80s night. He was dancing. Oh, my God. He just pushed his wife right off the side. Jesus Christ. Cruise people are sick. They're sick people. Some people are sick. Some people could do that. Now, here's the thing. We're thinking about it like it's the ocean. I want you to think about it like it's space. OK. Imagine if there was this ship that was going through space, but space was just like... It was almost like there was air around you where you could kick someone off the side, and they would just fall to forever. Right, right. That's... you're doing the same thing. Yeah. You're just... Would you be terrified? Oh, my God. Yeah. And if you heard someone cough, would you have heard someone cough? Oh, my God. What would you do? What would you do if you want a spaceship and you heard someone coughing? And it would take... You've got to stay. It would take two weeks before you get back to the planet. I think you've got to stay in your little cube. Like, you've got to stay in your little room. Everyone on the Grand Princess was sequestered in their room. Honestly, how is that different? You being on a spaceship in the middle of the sky, and you hear someone coughing, and you're like, we've got to get out of here. There's a sick person on this spaceship. It's not that different. How much different is it? It's not that different. I would say this. I would say less pig trash people could afford to go to space for now. For now. Back in the fucking Titanic days, it was a crazy thing to be able to get in a boat and make your way across the country. Yeah. Now you're a peasant. That's huge. You used to travel. Space cruises, which is disgusting. But the people, my point is, it's not like the uber wealthy people that are getting on these cruise ships. No, it's animals. It's animals. They're fat pigs. I could have been a personal trainer on the boat. I mean, people are looking at me. They're like, how do you do it? No, it's a real- They're going to party. They're going to have a good time. They're grotesque. You know, it's the funniest thing. On that boat, there was a little library, and I walked in. I'm like, has anyone checked out a book? And the guy goes, no. I'm like, has anyone ever checked out a book? Like, who's checking out a book? They have a library on the cruise ship. It's not even good books. It's trashy romance novels, but none of these people can read. I mean- What is the drug policy on one of those cruise ships? Can you bring weed on board? I think you can bring whatever you want. I mean, it depends, right? It depends if you dock at a- Yeah, but in international waters, what are the deals with weed? I don't know if they search your bags. I mean, people were bringing food on board. That was disturbing. That's another thing, right? Like, you're not in America. No, you're in international waters, and then you dock outside of this fake little town in Mexico where they literally bought the beachfront, and it's a third world country, and they drive you past roosters and shoeless guys running around. Timmy, what are you showing me? The Doug Sandhouse booze suit when he was going to my cruise. Oh, that's right. He got on the cruise, and he- Dude, he came on. I think he went on the- He taped booze to his body, right? All over it. Like drugs? Yeah. So what does he got? It bladders of gin. Bladders. Bladders and bottles of booze. This is a good move. So he bought those hiking bladders that you put in your backpack where you drink water out of, and he filled them with booze. But he's on a cruise ship where they have all this booze. Yeah, but he wants the real deal stuff. They're going to water it down. They do? Yeah. They don't give you shots? They do some- That's even more outrageous. I think you gotta watch. If they don't let you booze it up. Yeah. Dude, if I'm on a boat, I'm getting drunk. Well, I'm sure there's different kinds of cruises, but the ones we're talking about, like Carnival. I know. Like, you know, like the ones- If you were on those, wouldn't you want to be hammered? Well, there's people- I want to be hammered. Dude, that's why people are like, oh, why are people leaving their houses? There are people that are like, if I can't go on a cruise and get fucked up, I don't want to live. Yeah. Why- There are those people right now. They're like, if I can't go to Applebee's, I don't want to live. Yeah, there's people that are not having a great time in America. How many people are like weekend cruise people? Like every weekend they go on a cruise somewhere? I was on- I'll tell you, I did a practical joke. There was an old lady and she goes, you know, don't take Carnival. It's very bad. We've taken it twice. It was horrible times. Oh, they just cruise? Norwegian's good. Yeah, they just- they're cruise people. I mean, just the lowest caliber of human being to have ever drawn a breath. How much is the cruise cost? Like if you want- Fifty dollars? Okay. It's like no money. It's dude. It's dude. Okay. Let's say if you're going- It's for people that just got out of prison. Let's say if you're going to leave Mexico and you- where would you go? Where would you go? Like South America? Somewhere? No, you don't leave Mexico. You leave like- you just go out into the ocean and then you just come back to some fake town. Like we went to Costa Maya. Look up Costa Maya, Mexico. Costa Maya, Mexico is a place that's owned- the cruise ships just own this little beach front. It's like a trip. Like you float around the water and then you come back. And you come back and then they just have these little stands on the beach. Wait a minute, this is crazy. Cruises to Mexico from $109 a person? What did you think it was? For how many days? Like seven days. No. Yeah dude. Is that real? Of course. Oh my god, look at the big warning though. The COVID warning? Blow that up. What does it say, Jamie? They're like, you'll die if you do this. People don't care. Please be aware of any coronavirus, COVID-19, travel advisories, and view updates from the World Health Organization due to unprecedented volume of travel disruptions. Refunds may take up to 30 days to process. Which by that point you'll be dead. They'll be like 30 days. Are they allowed to take cruises right now? Yeah, they're just like lie about your symptoms. They're like just- This is the next one they have available. It seems like August 30th is the first one they have available. Yeah. They're going to be in on August 30th. Dude, that boat's already full. People are going on that boat. Bro. Dude, August 30th is going to be a party. They don't give a shit. They're going to get on in hospital gowns right from the ER. They don't care. You know what they're going to do? They're going to do all the people that have survived. Yes! It's going to be a survivor party. We beat it. They also would have the antibodies. Of course. They're all going to have the bracelets. They'll be in hospital gowns on the beach. But you know there's going to be one dude who lies about it? Everybody's going to lie. He's going to come back because there's a girl. They're going to be fake bracelets. She's hot. He wants to fuck her so he told her, yeah, I got it. And she's not hot. But she's a girl. She's hot enough. She's fine. She's hot enough for him to cause genocide. Yes. So he's going to come back with this virus and he's going to kill us all. He's going to destroy everybody. He's going to kill us all because he wanted to fuck this chick and he's going to lie about having it. And she's got a new advanced form that it doesn't do anything to people that have already had it. But as soon as it gets into a new person, it kills them. It makes so much sense that the virus that will get rid of us as a planet come from a cruise, the most disgusting, unnecessary. I mean, dude, this has to do with the war. I thought it'd be like tropical. I have something to do with the war. It's not to do with the water. You don't. Nobody swims like nobody gets to the island and swims kind of a dump. People just go on and buy shitty jewelry. They buy fake jewelry. Dude, there's a TV in your room on a cruise. And when you turn it on, it's just commercials for shit you can buy when you dock at the island. Oh, my God. It'll be a guy who's like, I've been in the cruise and jewelry industry for 20 years. It's like, that's not an industry. Dude, the cruise is $100. Yeah, it's $100. And they buy garbage jewels because it's tax free. How long is that cruise, Jamie? That was the three to five day sex. That is insane. Three to five days. A hundred bucks. Five days for a hundred bucks. Dude, you can't even live for a hundred bucks in five days just for food. All you can eat. All you can eat. Yeah, and probably all you can drink. Everything's great except for alcohol. I'll get you down to pay. I'll get you the craziest thing we've ever read on this show. That's why people like all cruisers going out of business. I'm like, I'll tell you, they're not. They're not. That's a vacation for somebody who's fucked. So but wait a minute. It's not all booze included. No, you got to pay for booze. That's where they make their money. That's why they sneak it on. That's why they sneak it on. That's how they make their money. So the 25 bucks a day is just to come on. We're friends. Yeah. Four days. That's just unlimited fried food to throw down your throat. Three to five days for a hundred dollars. A hundred nine. Imagine five days of food for a hundred nine dollars. They probably encourage you to get off the wagon. Like what are you doing? You drinking water? Yeah. Well, I'm cleaning sober for 15 years. They don't tolerate that. What the fuck are you doing on this boat, man? It's a party. It's a carnival. Haven't you heard? Yeah. You don't need to see your kids. Get fucked up. Just get fucked up and we'll give you Ibogaine. Dude, you know that in a cruise boat, there's a little cruise jail. So where to God? They have a cruise jail. They have a cruise jail. If you do something, sometimes you got to go to the cruise jail until they can dock and have the authorities come get you. See if you murder your wife. You do something like that. You go to the cruise, wife overboard. He's thrown in the cruise. He went to cruise jail. Oh, okay. There's a water slide. Look at these people. Hi. See, this is what it made sense. When did they start these things? Dude, there's comics that perform on them. Oh yeah. Yeah. They live in hell. Yeah. There's, um, when there's something about it, it's just, it's so strange. And when I was in Italy, three day cruises for 325 bucks. That was when it first started. Yeah, 85. That was 1985. It was cheaper now. It's probably like air travel. It was always in Venice. They were, they were the people that there are locals there. First of all, I mean, I'm an intruder. We're all intruders. There's too many, too many tourists. It's like, but they relied on it too. So it's real strange. They got their economy, but it's also, it used to be more quaint. And then what happened is whenever a cruise ship would pull up, you would get what, two, 3000 people would come pouring out at once. And so when we were there, two cruise ships docked and it was crazy. And then Venice is this beautiful city. And then you have this grotesque cruise ship with like paintings of dolphins on the side. It's so white trash, like America just showing up. And then they would fill these river boats and they would get into the canal area and they would filled with people. Yeah. And they would drive around staring and pointing at things. People were like, wow, this is nuts. Well now that they're not around, you have like things are coming back into the Venice canals like dolphins. I know. But I know all these idiots are like, oh, isn't that nice? It's like, it's nice, but the world economy has collapsed. It's not a good trade off. The people got addicted to people coming in, the tourists. Yeah. But if they only had like a limited number, it should be like a house party. Like after a hundred people, you can't cut it off. Yeah, you can cut it off. You can't have cruise ships. Yeah. Because they kept hitting the docks too. No, but you're going to need them. They're coming back hard. Cruises are coming back so big after this. I'm telling you. You think so? People are going to feel in the sick country and people all over the world, people are wild and people are going to want to go on. There are people that love cruises. They think they've discovered a gold mine. They'll be like 190 people will tell you, I took a cruise for $160. It's so embarrassing that they would say that. They say that. You're like, you're an animal. Well if you're a non drinker though, it must be amazing. But here's the thing. It's so fun. There's a certain group of people in the world who've accepted their animals. And then it's just fun. How many people are on cruises that are on a cruise every day because it's cheaper than being homeless? Great point. Great point. If you go to a cruise every day, if you're on a cruise every day, you're really only spending like a buck fifty a week. That's carnival sure. You spend 150 bucks a week, you get a room and you get all the food you can eat. That is a crazy deal. Can you imagine? It's secure for homelessness. Carnival cruises. And they have booze there. Do they have booze 24 hours a day or do they have a cut off time? Oh yeah. No. So it's like Vegas. Imagine that. The freedom of being on this boat, this metal thing floating around the ocean. That's where you live. Where do you live? I live on the Carnival Cruise Line. There are people that do that, Joe, that literally live on a boat all year round. Why not? You should be on a cruise every day of the year. Well why not is because you're a person. That's the why not is because you're a person. But if you're not, there are people that, dude, the level of big on those boats, those are big boys and girls. Like Disneyland. Four, five hungies. Yeah. When you see people on scooters, they have scooters. I saw a scooter and they were going on the boat. They were going up the ramp on the boat. There's something fucked up about being on a vehicle and then somebody on another vehicle.