Shane Reads Texts From His Uncle About Vietnam; What It Was Really Like

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Ari Shaffir

68 appearances

Ari Shaffir is the host of "The Skeptic Tank" and "You Be Trippin'" podcasts. His latest comedy special, "Ari Shaffir: Jew," is available now via YouTube. www.arishaffir.com

Mark Normand

16 appearances

Mark Normand is the co-host of the podcasts "Tuesdays with Stories" with Joe List and "We Might Be Drunk" with Sam Morril. Watch his latest stand-up special, "Soup to Nuts," on Netflix.www.marknormandcomedy.com

Shane Gillis

18 appearances

Shane Gillis is the co-host of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" with Matt McCusker and one half of the sketch comedy duo "Gilly and Keeves" with John McKeever. Watch his new comedy series, "Tires," and special, "Beautiful Dogs" on Netflix.www.shanemgillis.com

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Transcript

I don't know anything, but I've been watching... Dude, on the plane I was watching the fucking... I've been watching the Ken Burns Vietnam. Heavy stuff. God damn, dude. I cried on the plane like a fucking idiot. Oh, is that why you cried? Watching PBS stock. You're on a meep call. Oh, God. Mark, if you're gonna say nasty stuff. I'm sorry. No, no, that's pretty funny. That was a nice ride, though. I can remember when the Vietnam War ended. Really? Yeah, I was a little kid. I was living in San Francisco, and I remember thinking, thank God, we're never gonna do a war again. Oh, come on. And thank God it's over while I'm a child. I remember thinking that. Yeah. Boy, they're glad they figured this out. That was long. It was nine years? Dude, from day one they were like, we're not gonna win. From day one. They just had to be there? Mac and Mary's in there with LBJ like, this is never gonna work. Yeah. They just kept doing it. A lot of heroin out there. Oh my God. I mean... Why'd this stay? Hold on, I was... It had to be a part of what was going on. I was drinking on the plane, and I like... Story text. I saw a drunk text at my uncle who got wounded in Vietnam. I was like, where'd you get hurt? It's like a crazy text to send. Oh my God. And then he explained how he got hurt, and it was like, whoa. I went to the... How did he get hurt? He was a forward observer for his group. It was the Battle of... Fuck. I'll find it. But it was 200 US soldiers surrounded by about 3,000 Viet Cong. Oh my God. Or RVN. He was the forward observer that was calling in coordinates. So they were all trying to get him. They got him. They hit him with an RPG eventually. But he was the one up front calling in the gunships, calling in the artillery. Where to go? And... Oh yeah. Wow. Like a spotter in crew. There he is. Is that son, right? I'm just asking. What's the Gillis? Drang Valley Incident. 1965. I'll tell you right now. Google Gillis Vietnam. No, his last name is not Gillis. Ah. What's crazy is the Vietnamese don't even hate Americans. No, they hate the Chinese way more. That shit's all past them. Who doesn't? They called the American war and not the... It was the Battle of Hill 102, aka the Battle of Que Son Valley. 65 Americans killed, 200 Americans surrounded by 2,000. But then I was a little buzzed. I'm asking them fucked up questions. I was like, what's it like? What's it like abroad as question? He said, what happens is you enter a zone where you just shut down your emotions and focus on what you need to do to survive and protect your men. No time to process feelings. There's enormous chaos, but you were acutely aware of everything. At least that was my experience. Wow. He said, this is a wild response. Yeah, that's a great response. He said, at one point there were waves of MVA running towards us, but my sole focus was to stop them from getting too close with a gunship known as Spooky. I mowed them down as they advanced. Oh my God. Without the relentless stream of fire from Spooky, we would have been overrun. Thank God for Spooky. Wow. Gunship sank, fired to this area and fucking light it up. I was talking to him, he said, I was the forward observer, so my job was to keep artillery jet strikes and gunship fire raining down the enemy. Does he want you reading this on air? He'll be all right. That's why they were trying to get through me and take me out, which they eventually did, but I took a lot of them out first. I was like, holy shit. I was drinking, watching the documentary on my phone, like, damn. I think he's smoking a joint with that guy on a porch. Whoo. I'll tell you. My other uncle was in Vietnam and was like, uh. It's the gunship. Spooky. Spooky. Wow. Spooky. My other uncle was in Vietnam and he never talks about it. Yeah. That guy, if you ask, he's... They downed Spooky. Look at that. Ouch. 1968, February 15th. Nine killed and downing of Spooky gunship. To the Spook. To Spooky. Spooky. Cheers, Spooky. Wow. Ay, ay, ay. Well, at least he still was. Yeah, but it's like, what a fucked up war that was. I think Segura's dad was in NOM. What a terrible fucking dumb war. Silly. Waste of time. Not only a dumb war, but a dumb war that came about because of a false flag. Tonkin. Yeah, Gulf of Tonkin. They lied about an incident to try to get us into the war. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. That's like what we were talking about before with false flags. Tonkin, they wouldn't do them here. They really happened. They did. They used to do them all the time. What'd you say? Well, you got the bomb B. It's like, that's all they did. Yeah, they 100% would. Lesser known fact to Jim Morrison's father, Captain George Stephan Morrison, commanded the carrier division during the Gulf of Tonkin incident. CIA. The Gulf of Tonkin incident famously gave the Johnson administration the justification they needed to escalate the Vietnam War. J.R.R. Tonkin. Wow, it's his dad. Imagine that and your dad becomes break on through to the other side. I know. That's why he went so counter culture. Your son rather becomes that? Yeah, he's making the music. They're playing in the fucking helicopters. Wow. Great music. Great too. The 60s was the best music. So what did your uncle do to, like, what was it like when he came back? I think he came back and he had a very stressful job. What did he do? Fuck it. It's pretty, once I tell you what he did, it's specific. Is that a problem? You don't have to get in your uncle. He was like a fucking force gump, dude. He was in Three Mile Island. He was at the World Trade Center. He was in Vietnam. Jesus Christ. He started. What? He was everywhere? It was an incredible story. Connected dots. Shrimp pre-old, shrimp fish, shrimp bread. I think I was reading an article about it because he's pretty popular. And he was describing how his job was very stressful because he worked in, like, Wall Street. And he thought he was, like, blaming all his stress on Wall Street. And then it was like, clearly, it was you got hit with a fucking RPG and almost died. Yikes. And you mowed people down in Vietnam. Yeah. And then he went back to Vietnam and saw it and was like, oh, this is all of my problems. He went back. He went back. What? He went to exactly where he was. No way. Imagine getting out and going back. What a nightmare. I think he said he felt bad because he got wounded pretty severely. Like, his calf got blown off. He's missing a nipple. He's what? He got drilled. He's missed Pat? He got his missed Pat. But he was like, I was too reckless and now I'm not with my men. And he held that against himself. Was he a drug addict and whatnot? I was too drunk. I didn't know about drugs. For sure. Well, he was too reckless. He was like, I was too reckless. I fucked that up. Now I'm not with my men. Because he got injured. So he was holding that against himself and then he saw what happened and where he was. And he was like, oh. Of course I got wounded. Yeah. They were coming at me. But some people were shooting at me. Yeah. They knew I was the guy calling in the airstrikes. Blew his calf off. Yeah, his legs. He's literally missing his fucking calf. Whoo. Nipples off. Yeah. Calf in half. Jesus. Calf in half. Jesus Christ. He can't help himself. He's a pun machine. Calf way house. Super Bowl calf time. Yeah, we're done. Calf time show. We saw it. Yeah. We were there on Shrooms. Rihanna. Ironically, that must have been awesome. That must have been awesome. That must have been awesome. Rihanna. I need my guy like this. I need you like this. I can do a little bit of you. Take it on. Yeah, I can try. Go nuts. Apparently Vietnam is like one of the most amazing places to visit. I loved it. Yeah? Where did you go? I went to start in Saigon Ho Chi Minh. Ho Chi Minh, that's what they call it. And then I went to the south to like some tiny town. Getting away from like backpackers. I was getting sick of everybody. You get sick of all the fucking tourists. Whites. Yeah. District one of Ho Chi Minh is like TGI Friday. It's whatever. Yeah, they have the War Remnants Museum. It's the Vietnam War Memorial Museum. And they have a GI outside. He was like, it's all propaganda in there. Whoa. Because he just talked about the senators who later came out and said like, oh yeah, I killed like 50 innocent people once. We had a bucket of ice. Yeah, what was that? There was one senator that he was, there was, you know, they were applauding him as a war hero. And then finally he just like said, I have to come clean. Yeah, I got some shit. I don't remember that. He's like, I raped a bunch of people, killed a bunch of innocent people. We just went down a moat out of it. And he was like running on the fact that he's a hero. And then he was like, oh boy. Yeah. When Jamie comes back, we'll figure out who that guy was. That Ken Burns, Vietnam though, is fucking wild. I tried to watch it the first time. I've watched like it was, it is dense. Yeah. Then once you get into it, it's like, God damn. Was it 12 hours? So fucking long. Great for flights. Yeah. And the pandemic. Yeah. The bomb sandwich there is amazing. Yeah. Fresh bread. They got that from the French. What's it called? Bon me. Bon me. Yeah. Mark Norman's infecting it. Yeah, I can do it. What was Vietnam like? What I remember is that it was just every day was a war. Oh, it was a war. What about the foe over there? Pretty good foe? Foe's not bad. I was really into the bon mise. All right. You just get them to go. They're so good, so fresh. Mm. It's a fresh bread. They love it. French bread. Yeah. It's what you eat po' boys on. The French is without the bread, it's not a po' boy. Yeah. So I loved one of those things of like somebody at some college campus was like bitching at their student union for doing the bon mise sandwich, not the authentic way. Because it's like some sort of Tabasco on it or something that's sort of like Sriracha. Yeah. He was like, that's not authentic Vietnamese. Everyone's like, it's French bread. It's from the colonization. Did you guys ever do the stand up bong hit? You know, so paper towel roll. You're on the wall and you're both squatting. What? And he takes a giant vaporizer hit or whatever and he blows it into your mouth while you stand up and then you fall back down immediately. No. You never did that? No. Oh, beer bong. No, no, weed. Huge hit and then as you come up and it hits you so hard. Shotgun. As you're standing up. As you're standing up. So the oxygen goes away. Oh, interesting. This is pre-internet, you know? Yeah. Four guys in a house. Just figuring shit out. Figuring it out, nothing to do. What if I blow the smoke in your face? Yeah. Then you stand up. Exactly. And then you're in Nam, they do it through rifles. Yeah. That's so cool. That's so fucking cool. That's cool. That can't end well. Yeah. Now they're good. Yeah. Yikes. That's just being high as fuck and also in Vietnam in the middle of the war going, what the fuck man? Yeah. So they did a shotgun where they literally opened up the barrel. Damn. And then blowing the weed through. I like how they're not touching it with their mouth because they don't want to get herpes. They don't want to be game. They don't want to be stuck on that gun in front of everybody. Whoa. Tough times. What a bummer. Gotta kill the day. But then what if you get attacked? Imagine being super paranoid and high as fuck and you're in the jungle in Vietnam. Yeah. And now you realize you're in this stupid fucking war that makes no sense, has zero support behind it. The nature walks are good. What are we doing? I'm shooting people with zero support behind it. Yeah. You're out in nature. Yeah. That's what they said. One of the reasons they won, they took over all the reasons of Vietnam won. They were like, the Americans were like, I don't even want to be here. Well, yeah, no one did. Yeah. Like, I don't care about these people. Well, the Vietnamese are fighting for their home. What about the ever meet one of those guys who's like, you know, when 9-11 happened, they're like, I'm going over there. Yeah. Thank God. Guys like that. Yeah. Because I'm like, oh, thank God. I'm going to stay here. Pat Tillman. He left being a fucking NFL star to go over there and he got killed by friendly fire. Friendly fire. Oh, you hate to hear it. And they had to hide it. They had to hide it. Now he's a hero. He said he wasn't a hero, obviously. He was just still a hero. A bummer of a guy like a bad guy. No, no, no, no, no. What was the accident? I thought they were like, some people said it was on purpose. Some people say it was on purpose. Like, you started to see like, oh, this is fucking pointless. What are we doing here even? And then like, oh, we got to shut them up. Keep them here. Oh, no. Is a theory. Boy, I hope not. Yeah. God, you hope not. Yeesh. Anyway, let's talk about something funnier. And friendly fire. That's only Vietnam. I know, right? What the fuck? You changed the mood of everything when you read out your uncle's text. I know. I mean, imagine being on a plane reading that. The way he described it to is amazing, too. Your uncle's smart. Yeah, he's fired up.