Neal Brennan's Story About Using Ayahuasca for Depression

So then COVID starts, somebody sends me an article in the New York Times about ayahuasca. And I'm like, and he's like, we got to do this. I'm like, all right. I get a number, get a private, I had to go off antidepressants. This is October 2020. So I go, I wean myself off, I'm taking Zoloft all the time. And I'm like, why am I taking Zoloft? I'm like, I don't need it, Frank. The problem was without Zoloft, I wasn't depressed, but I was getting panic attacks on stage, which is like this, I can't have this. So I take Zoloft and I wouldn't get panic attacks. Only on stage. Yeah. And one time I got one in a media, it was fucking weird. I'm like, I know this person. It was odd. I would just get them for seemingly no reason. And so go off antidepressants, do ayahuasca with one shaman type guy at my buddy's house. And it's like very pleasant. It was like, we did one cup. It was me, Bianca from the store, my friend Bijon, Sarah Mello, and it was like nice. Right. It kind of felt like I cried about groups of people. I don't know, just like gatherings of people made me cry. I was crying so hard, like where your nostrils are closed. And is it unusual that you experienced the kind of sadness that makes you cry? It wasn't even sadness. It was like kind of tears of like reverie, not joy and not like tenderness. We'll say like tenderness about like from a place of love. Okay. More than a place of sadness or it was like just connected. Yeah. Yeah, I feel connected to like the earth. I was getting like also seeing like wide shots of forests. Just like, okay, cool. So we and then, you know, last about three and a half hours, then we all hang on talk, whatever. And then I find a better, that guy was kind of a lightweight. And then I find a better circle to do it in via someone that had been on the commercial. She was like, come to the circle. So I first night at the circle, it's like by Six Flags in LA. It's not like, it's not Peru. And it's, I couldn't get the amount right. And I was just kind of nauseous and didn't really feel much. And I did ayahuasca, did two or three cups of ayahuasca. I tried this thing called jape, which is they blows ash, sacred tobacco ash up your nostrils. And it's like you have fucking rocks in your head. I've never felt a thing like this. And apparently it like multiplies the ayahuasca for like eight to 10 minutes. It's like a fucking mushroom and in Super Mario Brothers, where you're like, just, it's, you're like stimulated and people, you can do a thing where you do an intention. And a lot of times you'll vomit up, you'll purge up a thing, like a notion. I have a, yeah, I got a lot of, a lot of stories. So the ash, the ash, if you look, it's spelled R-A-P-E with an, with an umlaut over the E. So it's spelled rape, but it's with an umlaut over the E and people blow. It's a thing called a tepe. And, uh, so that's just smoke, but they, the first one that now that's smoke. If you do, uh, get rid of ayahuasca and smoke, just do put a umlaut over the E in. Yeah. The problem is rape prices. It just goes to the, if you put it, if you put a thing over the E, how do you do that on a regular keyboard? You just, uh, the E you hit option and then hit, hit E and they all come up. Can you Google? Yeah, there we go. Let's see. Okay. There you go. There he goes there. Oh, wow. That's wild. That looks painful. It's wild. Look at the face. Yeah, I tried that. And so the ash goes up your nose. Yeah. And you just, and you're like, like it, I didn't try. I was just like, yo, this shit, people purge immediately, but you, a lot of times you can purge up like a notion. You can purge up an intention. You can purge up. I mean, a buddy of mine purged up his mother's hatred of him. Oh, Jesus. Like, like a thing. I'm a, like, I'm basically like a goofball. I'm like a new age goofball is what I'm trying to tell you. So that's the first night with the, it's my second career night, first night at the new circle. Second night I get the amount correct and I was an atheist. And I opened my eyes at one point in the circle and I was like, oh, I'm in the presence of God right now. I don't, I can't explain it. It's a feeling. I am in the presence of what I can only describe as God. And I was like, this is the first spiritual experience I've ever had in my entire life. 12 years of Catholic school, altar boy, church, mass, fucking nothing. And then this was like, oh, this is what church is supposed to be. Like this connection to the center beam or the center force and like a real profound, like, okay, I'm no longer an atheist. I now believe in a God or creation force. And obviously the question would be, someone asked you if they were trying to diminish this, they would say, but you are on drugs. Yeah, you understand that you're on drugs and this is not a real experience. And this is all highlighted by the hallucination that's happening in the neurotransmitters and the way it's affecting your brain. Yeah, I don't, here's the thing. I can't counter that. Do you know what I mean? Like I'm not, it's not one of these things where like it's true for me. Right. Well, here's the question. Here's what I always say. I had this very same conversation with Dennis McKenna and we both agreed on this, that who cares if it's real. It's the same experience. Like if you took a pill and that pill or you took ayahuasca and that ayahuasca makes you reach that state, or if you reach that state from saying an incantation and then you walk through. Polytropic breathing. Whatever it is. Yeah. How do we know that that's not real? Like imagine if God was real and you could get in front of God, but the only way to do it is to eat mushrooms. He'd be like, wait, what? I would argue that's true. It might be. I mean, do you know what I mean? It sounds so crazy. Like in my experience. But it might be. You, it's the only way. Now the good thing is it's in me now because then I was no longer on ayahuasca and I was like, that was as real a thing as has ever happened to me. It's in you, meaning it's changed you? Yeah. So the depression's gone? Well, that I'll get to that. Okay. So no, no, no, my belief in God. Yes. Belief in a central creation force. Right. And by the way, I know how this sounds. It's very mockable. It's very reducible and like this podcast is filled with mockable, reducible. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Laughing all the way to the bank and mocking, getting mocked all the way. So, so the fourth time I do it, the, that circle that I was doing it in, they weren't like COVID. They were like loose with COVID and it's like 20 people in a room and this is in like before the vaccine. It's just like early. So I'm like, ah, a guy got COVID right after the ceremony. I'm like, could you test or anything? They're like, we don't really just whatever. Um, so I went back to the first guy, the, the original guy and did a private with Ian Edwards and my friend Catherine and, uh, worked for Ian. He had a great time and not great time, but like a profound spiritual time. My friend Catherine was sort of like very uneasy and then, and I, it wasn't working for me. And I kept saying, yeah, just wasn't working. I was like, maybe I'll take more. Cause like, it felt like I had to work out the amount at the other place. So this place was like, maybe I'll take more. And I probably ended up drinking like an ounce and I don't, I've come to drink around a quarter of an ounce, but so this was like an ounce. And it wasn't working. It wasn't working. It wasn't working hit me like a fucking freight train where like I immediately I purged and, um, I, I, uh, went into, like I would have a thought like what? And my brain and in my brain, it sounded like I'd go what? And we go, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, and I was like, Oh, I'm in pink Floyd land. Like I'm law I'm gone. I'm going to be a drug casualty. Uh, then I was in outer space, uh, alone. And the universe was dying. You're alone. We're killing Saturn. Children. Uh, the Milky Way. Like that was the message I was getting. Like it's all dying and you're alone. And I breathed. I mean, it's the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced until I'll get to the thing that topped it. Uh, I was breathing just in case. I was literally like breathing. I was breathing like this. And I was for like, he said about two and a half hours. I have no recollection of any of it other than I'm in outer space. Like it, it's, I was, when I came to, I was, I slept with the lights on for a few days. It was so terrifying to my absolute core. Um, and I, but I realized about three or four days after that from not being on antidepressants, the, I'd say the floorboards of my mood were a little mushy. Like the, like I could get low, lower than I could without antidepressants. I'm sorry, with antidepressants, it would be like more sort of secure and not on antidepressants. It was a little loose and gushy. And I realized about four days after that terrifying outer space experience that it was completely secure and it was like polished granite. Like a fixed space. Granite. Like a fixed your brain. Yeah. Like I'm never going to, and I literally was like, I'm never going to need antidepressants again. Positive. And you haven't had them since? No. Really? Yeah. That was, that was December 2020. That's incredible. Year and a half. And here we are. It's the end of May. Yeah. So this is a year and a half later. In 2022. So, uh, yeah, I had a little panic on stage, but I figured that out. So, so that was, so, so now, so I've done, I have four times at this point, had that experience and I was like, I really like Aya in that it's, it's, it's a connection to spirituality. You know what I mean? Like in, in, in, I don't have any besides that, you know? And so I went to the other place, the good circle, and I had a few rough ceremonies. Um, like one of them in the room, I heard a, uh, tiger, like, like it's in the room. There is a tiger in the room. Acoustically, it was like, there was a tiger in the room. And then I hallucinated a tiger came around an altar and I went like, like real fucking fear. And I had a couple tough journeys like that, where it was one, another one that was funnier is I thought, I mean, dude, in this circle, I've seen people get possessed. They had to tie a guy up. Like it's, it's impossible, but I've seen it. It's one of these things where I'm like, this shit's wild. Um, that one where the guy was possessed, they had to pour salt in his mouth, like real wild shit. Um, I'm like, Oh, this is the rapture. This is the rapture when the rapture, this is the end, like we're in. So I had that like rapture thing again and they go, let's go around the room. Just check in with everybody, Neil. And I go, not good. Like two couple words, subscribe if you like, go not good. And then they go to the next guy and he goes, I'm balancing. And I'm like balancing dog. This is it. Like it's over. And then when I heard balancing and I, and then as they went on, I was like, Oh, this is not the rapture. I was like, Neil, this is your problem and your problem alone.