Lenny Clarke On His Run-Ins with Martha's Vineyard Wildlife

Kenny Rogerson says that I am the worst hunter in the world because when I moved to the Vineyard, I remember the first... Deer everywhere out there, isn't it? I didn't know that. And I came home one night, lit up, and I got out of my car, and a deer just popped in front of the door. I backed up and stepped on a wild turkey's foot off whatever they got. So I'm going, holy shit, baby, the zoo must be... That broke out of the zoo. That's what these animals are. They're not going to live around my property, so I got a gun, right? And the squirrels were eating all my bird feed, and I feed the birds. And so I say, I'm going to kill you, bastards. First I was throwing furniture at them, and I got a couple of them. But then I didn't want... I really want to kill them, but I figured I'd like to shoot the tail off, you know, maybe. But the bastards move, and I get them in the head, and I go, no. So the squirrels suffer, and I go, now look what you made me do, you stupid bastards. Did you ever eat them? No, no. They taste good. Squirrels are good. Yeah, I give them to the people in the neighborhood, you know? But I don't kill them, because I feel bad when I... Because I didn't want to kill them. I mean, you know, I'm not... You just didn't want them to eat the bird food. Exactly. Yeah, we had a problem with our chickens. The squirrels were getting into the chicken coop and eating the chicken food. Well, the deer, not a deer. My wife swerved, they had a deer, and I totaled the caddy. The caddy's gone. Oh, yeah. So the other night, I'm coming home. I'm pissed off. They tell you not to swerve. I don't swerve. I go for them. I chase the bastards. Oh, I chase them right through a field. And I'm like, Oh, yeah. I'm going to die that way too. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because, you know, my friend Cam, he lives in Eugene, Oregon, and a guy in his neighborhood, guy in front of him hit a deer, and it flew up in the air and landed through his windshield and killed him. Oh, yeah. So the guy, driving down the highway, guy in front hits the deer. Boom. Deer comes flying through the air. Bang. Right through the windshield. Through the second guy's windshield. Yep, through the second guy's windshield. Oh, yeah. That's why I never follow anyone. Always lead. Lead, lead, lead, lead. Beat a lead pony man. But behind me, that's not bad. But with the deer, you know, when I got there, I had a partial view of the ocean, you know, that used to be a real ocean view. And then at the time, I was the only one there. So I said, you know, hey, it'd be terrible if a typhoon came and took all these trees down. And the trees came down. But I replaced every tree that was missing. We bought out two... I see what you're saying. Two nurseries. Of course you do. Two nurseries that were going out. Is it illegal to chop trees down? Evidently, you know. I'm so glad you didn't do that. I wouldn't... Why would I talk? I'm a law-abiding person. I understand that. So I bought two nurseries going out of business. We have 500 trees, not over six feet tall. But then we had guns and vegetables and stuff like that. And the deer were eating them. And I'm at the beach one day and I'm pissed off. I'm saying, he's a goddamn deer. And this old guy comes up to me, excuse me, excuse me, I overheard your conversation. This is what deer don't eat. And he gave me a list of like 50 things. So I went out and bought everything. And a week later I saw him. Hey, shithead. Evidently, my deer can't read because they ate all of that. And then I just... So I'm not good at killing stuff. I did kill a couple. You know, by mistake, I really did. I tried to scare them. And, you know, they ran into the bullet, I suppose. What were you shooting them with? Well, this was a .22, like the rifleman. Remember that? Yeah. I loved it. The rifleman. Yes. Chuck Conner. Yeah, I remember that. Black and white. Yeah. Old school. Old school. Old school. And I got really good with it. Like one of those repeating... Like a Henry rifle. Exactly. Yeah. They still make those, you know. Henry Rifles is like a big rifle company. Kenny came down one week at Kenny Rogers and stayed up all night. He refused to sleep. Went through about 300 rounds. And the gun was still smoking the next morning. And I got to get it fixed now. He like... So I have other guns. But anyway, I would call up my caretaker and say, hey, man, get over... You want to take... Yeah, I'm on my way. So he came over and he goes, how much you kill? I go, well, just this one. He goes, two more in the yard. And I go, because I was firing into the bushes. I'm scared. Evidently, I got them. So... Is there a rule on how many you're allowed to kill? Are you shooting them during season? Or are you just shooting them as a nuisance? I shot one from my kitchen table. I said, get out, you bimbo! Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right through. Oh my God. So I had the screen door open, yeah. But I don't do that anymore. But it's just... Jay Miller. You know Jay Miller, the hockey player, played for the Bruins. They hired him to protect Gretzky years ago. I think he may have lost one fight in his life. He's a tough, tough son of a bitch. Anyway, hockey's 10 best top fights. He's in like three of them. So he says, can I come hunt and you probably... I go, that'd be great. Come over and kill all my deer. So he gets like six or seven guys and they come over with these unbelievable... Bandoleros and shit. Jesus Christ. So he's peeping the horn in his trucks and they're all in these big trucks. I go, hey, how you doing, Jay? Man, I'm so glad you're gonna kill everyone you can find. He goes, oh no, man, it's not this. He's gonna kill them rabbits. And you hear my wife in the back, not my rabbits. I'm going, oh, so I gotta go out and tell these fucking monster hunters. I say, hey man, listen to me. My neighbors, both of my neighbors are gone. And I'm gonna kill every rabbit you can find. But I mean, imagine that, I'm telling these testosterone. They look like Mexicans coming... They're coming down there to kill rabbits? That seems ridiculous. No, no, no. All the way to Martha's Vineyard to kill rabbits? There's a lot of rabbits that matter. Rabbits and skunks. Someone brought skunks, not indigenous to the vineyard. This asshole brought skunks over because he was pissed off at some other rule he couldn't do. And he left and they multiplied in this tons. I've seen baby skunks. Somebody brought skunks over to piss somebody else off? Yep. Who is this guy? Name him out. Fuck that guy. Oh, I know. It'll come to me. I'll text you his name. They're cute little animals, but they'll fuck your chickens up too. You know skunks are predators? They'll fuck your dog up. Oh yeah, you know what I mean? If you got a cat, you spray the shit out of them too. Oh god. That's terrible. Then they gotta bathe them in tomato juice and shit. It doesn't work. My dog got zapped. It does, not the dog out here, not Marshall, but when I was a kid, my dog in Boston got zapped. Tomato juice didn't do jack shit. She stalked for fucking weeks. Yeah, we kept shampooing her. You know when you asked, is there a limit for the animals you can kill? When I killed my first turkey, I thought that some guy owned all these wild turkeys. And when there was three mists and I go, he's gonna know there's three mists. He's gonna come up here and give me lots of shit. Get rid of them.