Joey Diaz's Relationship with Cops

Let me tell you something, the one cop I faced on Facebook and started torturing him. What is he, some dumb dude trying to interrogate you? He lives in Telluride and he was involved in the John Bonet Ramsey case. So when I mentioned this name on a podcast one time, people started sending me messages. They go, you know, we go to school with this kid. His kid's a fucking moron. Right? They feel like his kid became a criminal, but the dad has gotten him out of trouble all his life. The kid's a fucking criminal. So the same people from Facebook hit me when they go, your buddy the cop retired. So I sent them an email, hey, on Facebook, hey, listen, congratulations on your retirement. Check out Joey Diaz on YouTube, cocksucker. And I know you read it, but he didn't fucking reply. You know what I'm saying? That's hilarious. So, hey, dog, listen to what I did to that dude. Just, there was two of them, all right? There was a big white dude that, the white dude, this is the fucking crazy thing. I was not wanted, but I was questioned on the credit card situation. In August of 85, somebody had destroyed that mall with a credit card and somebody said I fit the description. So these two cops with uniforms kept asking me questions. I worked at Foot Locker and they keep showing up every day. Can we talk to you? Yeah, the jewelry store says to you, listen, pretty soon, you know, they didn't have cameras then Joe. So they kept saying pretty soon we're going to start getting the receipt and you're going to have to go in for whatever. And they would come in every day and shake me down and I would go, guys, if I was a fucking credit card thief, would I be working in Foot Locker? So I was just buying time. I knew they were going to catch me eventually. That one cop even came to my house on a Sunday night, knocked on my door and said, we're getting the gene sizes tomorrow. You might as well turn yourself in. I'm like, do you want to get the fuck off my doorstep? That night, that morning I went to San Francisco. A year later, I got arrested for kidnapping. He gets promoted to detective. He doesn't remember me from the credit card thing. The whole time I'm sitting there going, what is this fucking cop going to remember me from the credit card thing? So you got to remember, I turned myself in. When I turned myself in, Doug, and I pressed that buzz and they opened that door, all the cops drew their guns on me and said, get on the floor. Because I was wanted for kidnapping, kidnapping too. They didn't know what I was packing, what type of person I was. So they handcuffed me, put me in a room that was white. Made me wait for a half hour. Then they came in and played their technique, which I've been doing to people all my fucking life. You know, I'm the one that would break into Joe Rogan's house and steal one shoe. You get up to somebody, you take an ounce of coke and you steal one shoe. It's horrible. Oh, that's horrible. And then you steal that one favorite pair of shoes, you take one shoe and you throw it away. That destroys people psychologically. For years, they'll keep looking for that one shoe. What happened? And then every time you see them, you'll find that shoe. No, I fucking searched everyone. Wow. Oh yeah, I'm the fucking dirtiest bastard. I know how to fucking flip-flop you. So these guys get you into the interview room and they ask me what's going on. And I'm talking to them, I go, I don't know what happened. The guy showed up, the guy pulled the gun. Next thing you know, I was home. And they're like, so what happened to the guy with the machine gun? I don't know. Did you know him? I don't know. You know, so how did you get there? I had a bike. But you just said you drove. Yeah, I drove to get the bike. I was just fucking with them because I wanted to get out because Don Johnson was marrying Sheila Easton on Miami Vice that night. I had to be home by 9. That's all I cared about was his wedding. So I'm fucking with the cops. I'm like, I'm just going to go in there and talk to them, tell them the truth. That yeah, I went over there. They were selling drugs and I left. I had nothing to do. What kidnapping? What are you talking about? So we went back and forth for like six hours. And I still remember them sitting there like with their hands down and me talking about like, you know, my uncle came from Cuba in 1952 and he worked for fucking this guy. And they're like, what's this got to do with what we're talking about? Dog, I tormented. And then I agreed to give the guy information. And I would just give him like red band drivers. Hey, that's what I swear to God. I would give him Jamie's license plate. Jamie's not a drug dealer. But I would tell him that Jamie was running kilos internationally from Europe. They would fucking they would go through Jamie's life. Imagine if Jamie was doing that. And then they wouldn't find nothing. So they would figure out the fucking Jamie. I was playing them. I was just giving them fake license plates. How long did you do this for? Six months. They thought they would leave the real business guy. I'm telling you, he runs a big coke from Colombia. He knows the Ochoa brothers. No. Yeah. He's making up this crazy narrative of feeling like he's Yokels. I was tormenting these two cops. But the one cop wasn't going for it. He didn't like me personally. And I let him know that I didn't like him personally. It's a movie. It was a fire. I let him know. I hated him more than when he hated fucking me. That's what I did. I let him know that I hate him more. And every time we went to court, he would sit there across from me. But I had to go to tourney and it was burning him up because he wanted me for kidnapping. But I'm like, nah, dawg, you didn't find no fingerprints on nothing. Sorry, Charlie. Not this time. So if he was chomping at the thing, he went to all the hearings and said that, you know, they're like, we don't see nothing else on the record. So if there's nothing else on the record, this is you against him. No. Doesn't work that way. He kept saying I was violent. I was going to kill the community. He was one of those white evangelist type guys. He even was so mad at me that he joined forces with my ex-wife in court afterward for like child hearings and shit like that. That's how crazy it got. Oh my God. He was there when I went off one day, Cuban style. And that's the last time I saw him. Cuban style. Ricardo. The last time I went to court, remember the last time I went to court, my wife, it was the same judge that sentenced me. Oh no. He was in civil court now, but here's the beauty. I kept writing them letters every month because that's the type of motherfucker I am. You write them letters? From the minute I got sentenced to jail. What did the letter say? How you doing, Judge Bellaponte? My name is Joey Diaz. Thank you for your sentence. I'm starting to learn what it's all about to be a man. For the last 28 years, I've been running a muck every month. Every month on the first, he got a letter from me. When I got out of the jail, I doubled up. I got a job as a worker. My heart settles in me and I really enjoy it. Thank you for giving me that opportunity. Did he ever write you back? Never. Never. But I wrote him letters. Wrote him letters. Wrote him letters. Wrote him letters. I got out of jail February of 89. I wrote him letters. I went in front of him in May of 95. He was a civil judge and I was still writing him letters. I told him I was trying comedy. I was getting divorced. My wife was breaking my balls. We end up in court in front of him. The fucking boyfriend's got a stake over his eye because I smacked him because he called me a spic. So I smacked him in the face and say for him. So they're trying to get me for assault. Oh yeah, tremendous afternoon. It was a judge say. And the judge goes, number one, you got to throw your case out because it's a city limits of Boulder. You can't use a racial slur. If you use a racial slur in the city limits of Boulder. Someone didn't beat your ass? It's called the JJ Flanagan law. And number two, then he attacked my wife. He was like, listen, you fucking come back in here again with this shit. It's contempt of court. So all those years of writing paid off. All those years. So my wife got mad. The ex got mad. And I'm a walker out of there was when I did something that to this day I regret. It was that bad. Like how bad I went off. But it was four years of getting tortured. Think of you tortured me for four years. I'm financially done. I'm financially ruined. I'm trying to feature. I'm getting heat because I'm dirty. Oh, I remember those days. You know what I'm saying? Like everything like that. That's the hard road. So I was featuring in dirty bars, but they would make me MC at the clubs and they made me work clean and read the announcements and shit. And some comics didn't want you on the show. A lot of comics didn't want me on the show. I wasn't that. No, no, I wasn't throwing heat then. No, I just was doing well. I was holding my own. Even when when I met you when in the beginning you were dirty. Yes. Yes. But for some people that that's like a deal breaker.