Joey Diaz Tells the Story that Almost Hospitalized Tom Segura - Joe Rogan

Ladies and gentlemen, black helicopters have been spotted. It's comedy. Stop with the fucking- Do you know that you almost hospitalized me one time from laughing so hard? Like, I don't know if you remember this. I'm serious. I don't even know if I can tell it. It was backstage. It was backstage at his show. We were somewhere and you were like, how's the wife? We're good. And I go, where is she? And I said, I said some city in Tennessee, maybe Knoxville or Nashville. And you go, Nashville, 96. And you started this story about working the club and you're like, I just riffed in between shows some crazy shit. Some chick who was talking, there was eight people for- there was 20 people for the first show, Knoxville. It was a comedy zone show. I have booked it. Knoxville's a great little fucking town. Like a cute little Tennessee town. Is it? It's like hip. It's a football theater. Like a college town. So I get there on Friday night, Joe Rogan. I'm headlining. I got 38 minutes. I just moved to LA and I signed with Creative Management and they booked those rooms. So they were booking me out as a headliner. I was just dying slow debt. So what they did was they put me in one-nighters that paid like $2.75 a night. They weren't bad. Clark, Tennessee. And we go to this Knoxville for two nights and I go in there and you don't meet the- I'm fucking crazy. First night I go in there from Friday night, there's 20 people for the first show. And there's a girl, Joe Rogan, that's a 12. With a guy that's a four. Okay? And it's her birthday. Meanwhile through it, she just turned 21. It's her birthday. Okay? Hi, happy birthday. What's going on here? Cause once you start hearing noise, you have to react to it as a comic. And you go, what's going on here? You're 21. I said, you're very beautiful. And then she just went and ran with it and started talking about how her husband pimps her out. He would have fights on. And for 20 bucks you could fuck her in the back room. 20? The fights were on. Whatever. I don't know. That on Fridays he would bring her to the construction truck. Oh my God. He would bring her truck with her to the construction site and put a mattress in the back. And at lunchtime he would let her friends- And she's telling me this. It's like she's talking and people are like, just holding their breasts. Like what is going on here? This girl is beautiful. And this retort is just pimping at me. So in between shows, I go upstairs to do a line or smoke a joint or whatever the fuck I'm doing. When I come back, I see her by herself. And we start talking. And what's going on? Oh my God. I had such a great time. I go, is that stuff true? And she goes, yeah, I go show me the monkey. And she took me in the woman's bathroom, pulled down her pants. The girl had a monkey that was spotless. It nearly stunk. I ate it. I fingered her some and then she sucked my dick. That was it. I went back to my room. I didn't think nothing of it. I'm like, Jesus Christ. I scored. I go back for the second show. There's eight people. But by the time I go back for the second show, Joe Rogan, she's sitting in the back. She's 21 and she's looking at me like this. She's fucked up. And 10 minutes into my spot, second as I was headlining, she starts going, I sucked the comedian's dick tonight. And her husband was like, what are you talking about? And she's like, I sucked his dick and he came in my mouth. He's like, what the fuck are you talking about? The cops had to hold him back. And he's like, I want my $40. That's all he wanted. He didn't care that his wife sucked my dick at this comedy bathroom. Oh my God. When the cops came, he kept saying, man, somebody's gonna get hurt if I don't have my $40. That's a $40 blowjob. Did you come in her mouth? Because if I would have come, it would have been like 20. All he cared about was the $40 dog. So he told me that backstage at your show, and I fucking started hyperventilating. $40 for his wife. This is the world of comedy, ladies and gentlemen. This is the world of crazy fucking comedy. Jesus. You think that's crazy? What the fuck? She's crying some of the husband and the hell of his wife and said, no, he didn't care. He just wanted the $40 for the blowjob. I didn't give it to him. He's got rules. Yeah, he's gotta give him that. He's got like a line in the sand. This is crazy shit. He's got a number, 40 bucks. Comedy is a fucking crazy animal. When you sit at home at night and you think about all this shit we've seen, we've learned a lot. I don't think I ever laughed as hard. On that road, we learned a lot of things. You learned a lot of things about human beings. You learned a lot of things about individuals. You learned some, I remember I did American Home. It's an armed forces place in Idaho. It's part of the triple run. As soon as I walked in and I had to go meet, do a sound check, everybody kept looking at me going, hi, how are you? Have you met Sandy yet? And I go, no, and they go, and they walk away. You ever see, what's the movie with Eddie Murphy? When he, with Boomerang. Yeah. When he goes to the Black Chicks house, it's 80, and the butler keeps laughing. Remember the butler would go, she wants to see you in the kitchen, and he would go, because she knew she was gonna rape him. So every time somebody would refer to Shirley, they'd go, have you met Shirley yet? And you'd go, no, and they'd go, oh, and they'd walk away. Well, Shirley, whoever the captain of that base was, the head of the base, she was his wife. And if a band came to town, or a comedian came to town, she blew. That's it, that was the rule. Like, and he would sit out there with his fucking military on, with all his shit, and clap, and she'd be in the back, Zuko Laminck, to the whole band. I mean, this is crazy. So I didn't know about this. She came over and started talking to me, and then she started to, oh, you're Cuban? I dated a Cuban one time, he's such a big dick. You have a big dick, I mean, it was that quick. It was that quick, like she just gets to it. She's like 15, I was maybe like 31, she was maybe 50. Wow. And she just dropped behind the curtain, took the hammer out, that's not a Zuko Laminck. I'm sitting there minding my own business, and all of a sudden somebody comes yelling for her, Shirley, Shirley, Shirley. Now, usually, Shirley, we get up and stop sucking your dick. Not Shirley, she moved her knees, like I had knee on belly. Nobody suddenly puts knee on belly, you're supposed to move this way. That's what she did with her knees. She kept sucking and just kept moving this way. I tried to take it out of her mouth, she wouldn't let it. She's like, no, no, no, she, bro, she wouldn't stop till, I mean, in LA, Shirley, look if we out here. Man, I- This is crazy shit. I can't, I'm overstimulated. I feel like I need psychiatric treatment right now, and an IV. Just finish that fucking drink, all right? Oh my God. Zuko Laminck is the greatest thing anyone's ever said. That is the best word of all time. Minkia juice, Zuko Laminck. Zuko, Zuko Laminck. Boy, it's Minkia. But when they say Zuko, they cut it short. What is the word, what does it mean? Minkia means suck my dick. Minkia in the dialect of Italian. Zuko means suck. Right, okay. You know, it's so weird how the more you go- Is this Spanish? This is Italian, Sicilian. Really? So the deeper you go down the boot, the more, is it closer to Spain, or is it farther from Spain? The closer Italy is from Spain, when people from that area speak Italian, I don't care how fast they're talking, they can't put the wool over me, because I can pick up every four words. Oh, right. So Sicilian say suca. What's suck in Spanish? Chupa. Chupa. You're in the can able hood. Right. Suca la mink. When they say suca la minkia, like, you know, what are you gonna do today? I don't know, I'm gonna go out and get my minkia sucked. But suca la minkia is just a short version of this show. Suca la minkia? Sure. And then you got minkia juice. Jesus. It comes at you however you want it.