Joey Diaz Tells Hilarious Shit Stories "He's Changing Flavors" - Joe Rogan

Ladies and gentlemen, black helicopters have been spotted. Your podcast with your wife is one of my favorite podcasts. It's so fucking consistently silly. It is very silly. It is so ridiculous. Yeah. And people get silly when they get on it. They do. Yeah. And then, you know, I start like seeing things like, oh, this is like your mom's house bit. I need to send it to Tom. Yeah. Yeah. You sent me a couple of good ones. I can't tell a story about taking a shit without 90 people hitting me up the next day telling me that was the most brilliant story in the world. We're going to send it to Tom. So, any time I tell a shit comic, it's awesome. I fart myself or something. I'm two days later. Sure enough. I'm serious. You're playing the fucking YouTube video. It's true. I'm going with your wife. I'm going. We played Joey telling shit stories for sure. And he told us about when he shit in his backyard and somebody thought a bear. I never forget the lady. She would leave. She would let her dogs out. Every day. And then she would clean up. They were all French poodles. Yeah. Yeah. So they're like little. I can see the dogs. Their asses high up in the air. We're just reeling back from the shit. Like, what the fuck is that? She went like this. She went like this. Joe Rogan, she looked at it and she was like 58. So she squinted at this shit up against the wall. But here's what's beautiful. I took a shit and I put my back against the wall. So when I shit, when you shit outside, it's not going to be a decent shit. It's going to be like explosive. So when I got up, it looks like somebody got shot in the head. They were shit all behind me on the wall. So she's sitting there with her little French poodles and her little chihuahuas. And she's looking at the wall like, what the fuck happened there? And all of a sudden she actually walks up close to it and squints and looks down on it and looks around and runs in the house. I'm watching all this. I can't breathe. And now I go to the computer because my wife's very decent. I'm sitting there for a half. And then my wife comes in and she goes, were you home all day today? I go, yeah, why? She goes, I just had a conversation with Susan. She wanted to know if you heard anything in the backyard. Go some animal, put this shit back there. I went to get sushi. I give her go get sushi, eat a lot of it. The rice pushes everything out of the ass. And you had plans to go get a weed store. You were going to go to post office. But I made a detour. I planned to go home, but I left the house key in the house. So I had to climb around the window. That's what happened. So when I pulled myself up, I actually landed with my stomach on the window. And now you really got it. Which made it push it out more. Like, I'm fatter than fuck and my hands are struggling in the window. And my little friend feed her on the other side. And the cats are meowing at me, scratching at me. And I'm like, it's me, you fuck. So I ran out, ran down the stairs, shit outside. Oh my God. The best was the man who took a shit in Faberman's backyard after a five hour drive from Colton or some weird town. Did he not talk to you after that for a while? I took his shit and then he ran over it with his car. And the whole backyard smelling sewage waste. I go over to the next day. He goes, it smells back here. I'm talking to the house. I don't know what happened. And you can see the brown shit. And he smushed it with this tire and a bunch of flies. He didn't talk to me for a month after that. Who takes the shit in somebody's backyard? How did he find out it was you? Because I told the truth. I felt bad. I was like, I lied to the guy. That's hard to clean up, too. Wow. Yeah, shit. You can clean up dog shit. It doesn't even make you gag. But human shit? But bum shit? Yeah. You had to clean up some whino shit if you had to use one of those scrapers. Yeah. It smells so much stronger, man. We're gross. It's so much more gross. No, no, no. When you take a shit, it's OK. It's till you cut it in half. Right. You ever cut a shit in half? No. When that fucking... I think I'm gonna... When that Reese's Peanut but a few leaks out. Oh my God. He's like, I've done studies. No, no, no. When you go to jail. When you go to jail. You ever cut shit in half? When you go to prison. You have to cut the shit. You have to shit like in a tube by people watching TV. Like when you go to county jail, you shit right there. So black guys will be laying there watching TV with their feet up. And all of a sudden they smell a little shit and they're like, put some water in that whole motherfucker. Like they'll just yell it from the other side of the fucking prison. Puss it, because that means you took a shit and you're sitting there. And the shit's permaing. So in prison, as soon as you shit, you got to put water on it. Yeah. But then some bathrooms can only give you 20 ounces of water a day. So whatever time you flush, it's got to be a good flush. You follow me? You're a piss. Sometimes a piss has to stay there until the next day until you take a good, good shit. But when you take a shit in jail, bro, that's what they'll tell you. Put some water on it. Put some hole in that motherfucking hole, dawg. I can smell that shit right now. I'm trying to watch Oprah. But that's what smells. Once the hole sucks, it's like when you go to Vegas. Yeah. They have that sucking action. Well, if you take a shit this big, that's 34 inches. Once that sucks, it breaks. It looks like two new chunks. Once that breaks, it's over. It's over. And they put the bathroom right by the door, the front entrance. You can't have nobody come over. That's why I always go downstairs. That's why I always go downstairs. You don't shit? Yeah, I don't shit my bathroom in the hotel no more because it kills the whole room for two hours. We worked at the House of Blues in Vegas and Joey left an onshore shit. You know what an onshore shit is? What? It's like he was so fat at the time that he couldn't sit down in the regular toilet. You were like, what were you like? 400, 415. He was giant. So when he would take a shit, he would have to balance himself mostly on the very edge of the front because his ass was so big, he didn't shit in the water. He shit on the deck. No. Oh, dude. It would be stuck. Oh, it's sticking out. You ain't never seen a shit like that before. So you couldn't sit in the toilet. I would sit on the toilet, but I don't like my... He was on the edge. It wasn't that I was fat. I don't like my dick inside the toilet. Some of these are gonna suck your dick and all of a sudden they're gonna suck on the toilet. I tell my wife, I don't even let my wife pee in public because I want to eat her monkey. I don't want that monkey touching the other fucking thing. So when I shit in the public bathroom, I hold my balls and I shit towards the edge. I don't give a fuck. It's something else in the bathroom. Right. So you're sitting towards... Why don't you just hold your balls and sit where you are? Because... No, no, no, no. Why don't you move forward? Because if I'm back there, I got crabs one time and if they're sitting on the toilet, they'll jump from that toilet inward like they're jumping over a mouse. I always thought that people would say they got crabs in the toilet as an excuse. Well, sometimes you could create crabs from anywhere, but why take a chance? But I thought you could only get it from hair. They only clean the hairs. I don't think they will stay on an actual toilet. I think you're probably definitely right. Yeah. I would feel like that's one of those things like, how do you get crabs? I took a shit, I took gas station, that had to be it. That's what I always figured it was. No, so I always hold my nuts and shit. When I shit, it was long and Red Band put ketchup on it. Remember Red Band when they put ketchup on it, potato chips? Unfortunately, I think that was a different time. Okay. This has not happened just once. This is a different shit. Yeah. It has been many, many times. Those things just like sticking out of the water. See, you go in there, there's a smell. You know how when you take an epic shit, it's an above water shit, it comes out like the fucking big island of Hawaii. Yeah. Just rises through the water. Yeah. Like I've done that many times. Because I eat too much. Yeah. And I'll take these shits that are just like so big. They're preposterous. But there's a totally different smell to those shits. Because you're smelling raw shit outside of the water. Right. I mean, it's gone through the water. Yeah. And it's poking into the- It's strong. What is it about that that makes you happy? What is it about that horrible smell? It's a sense of accomplishment first of all. You're like, oh, there's a good one right here. It doesn't come around that often either. No, like above water shit. Yeah, man. It's like a comet. Like it's just like, I don't, this doesn't happen all the time. It's always diarrhea too. It's never like a super thick, large- It's weird when the second wave is diarrhea. Like when you take a good shit and you're proud of yourself. And then you're like, I think I got a little more in there. And it's like, rawr. And it's just a fucking- You know what that's from? What? Healthy Eating. Healthy Eating does that? Yeah. Yeah. If you eat some NCT oil or some coconut oil or some shit. Why does it do that to you? Lubes up your pipes. Oh. It's silly because where I moved to now, I have the office, the back office, and it's connected to a bathroom. It's got a door. So I don't live with stink no more. I open the door in the morning. You don't live with stink no more. I got a backyard. I shit. I smoke the bowl. You don't shit in the backyard anymore. No, no, no. Okay. My door goes facing to the backyard. No. I have my own bathroom in the bedroom. Then I'm running the kitchen. That's nice. That's nice. Yeah. Don't put a woman through one of your shits. No. I got my own shower back there. Yeah. Leave her alone. I open the back door. Fuck the fart fans. I just open the back door. There's a school behind there. Kids playing. I'm shitting, smoking dope. I don't give a Frenchman as fuck. And it don't smell in there no more. I don't have a candle. That's beautiful. Beautiful. That's what you need is a bathroom with a door that faces outside. The worst is when you go over a girl's house and you go to use her bathroom and you smell matches. Oh yeah. Like, oh no, she was lighting this motherfucker up. Yeah. And then it just makes you think. All you're thinking about. She's like burning off fumes. Her stinky bubble. Her stinky bubble. Yeah. The stinky butt. She's panicking about her methane. If you ever get to a girl's place and then you feel the gurgles and you're like, oh, it's not good. Not good. Not good. I've had that before. I was dating a girl once and she had ferocious diarrhea. Ferocious. All the regular? Yeah. No, no, no. One time. So she went to the bathroom and she just turned on the shower and she turns on both things on the sink. Whoa. Yeah. And just she was just like. Try to drown it out. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? I was very young at the time. I didn't understand. I'm super confused. What the fuck is going on in there? I had once in college where I was at this girl's place and she was just like, okay, it's game on. Like, go for it. I was like, I have to take. I could feel that it was a diarrhea shit, like an explosive diarrhea shit. And I also realized there was no way to do it, that it would just be a black toilet when I was done and that there's no way I could cover it. You know what I did? I went back to my place. I was like, I'll see you some other time or whatever. And the next day her friends were like, you're like the fucking, like they gave me credit. They thought I was good guy. That I was a good guy. They're like, you're awesome. And I was like, no, I had to take a crazy shit. You know why girls do that? Because they're not getting fucked and they don't want their friend to get fucked. So they use reverse psychology on you. You're an amazing guy. I got an amazing guy credit. I hope you wait forever. It's so cool that you laugh. Not even when you get married. Tell her we get married. You love her so much. You don't even have sex after you're married. Never. Because it's not about that. Right. It's about real love. Like Twilight love. If I had had bows that were intact, it would have been a different story that night. Bows? Bows? Oh, bowels. Yeah. Yeah. There's a time when you know that it's, and the sensitivity of your inner asshole region is amazing. It is. It knows. Especially when you go to sleep out of fart, right? When you're like, you're like about to cut a fart and then all of a sudden an alarm start going off. You're like, oh no. Oh yeah. Oh no. And you got a clamp shot. You're like, Jesus, what is this? We were having this debate yesterday about why are they sometimes hot? Like why is it hot? And then why do you know that hot's going to smell bad? Spicy food, bro. Is that what it is solely? I don't know. I remember I was telling you guys at one time my freshman year, I didn't take a shift for a week and a half. I was addicted to steak and American cheese. I had a ride of french fries. Wait a minute. Listen to me. How long is that? Ten days? That's a long time, man. How are you alive? I played freshman ball and we were playing Patterson Eastside. That's just a jungle over school. Like you got to be careful when you're going there. And we went there to play the Christmas tournament. What kind of ball are we talking about? Basketball. I hadn't taken a shift for like 10 days. I was backed up. Something. I took acid, something fucked my stomach up. I didn't tell nobody. In those days I was really scared of doctors and I wouldn't say shit to nobody. And on the way home we got on the bus. And while we were waiting there my stomach started hurting. And I said Jesus Christ. I don't know if I'm going to shit myself or fart. But let me just take a chance. And I blew this fart, Joe Rogan. That was so bad. We were on a bus and people started running, you know the school buses? People started running to the windows, right? To swing down the bus windows. But here's where it gets better. I farted again. And the teachers were going, oh my God he's changing flavors. He's changing flavors. But the worst thing was the cheerleaders were crying. That's how bad it smelled. They were sitting in front of the bus going, he's changing flavors. One of the teachers yelled, oh my God he's changing flavors. That's how bad these farts were. That's your next t-shirt. Oh my God he's changing flavors. Your whole bus start. I'll never forget looking at the cheerleaders and they were like, oh my God we've never smelled nothing like this before. It was fucking God awful. I wrote a blog about one of Joey's farts once. Was that on a plane? Yes. I think I read that. It's called Happy Pills. And it was I was thinking about, I was looking at this ad. I was looking at this ad for anti-depressants. You know some girl dancing around in the field of wheat and shit. You know those ads. Yeah. I was just thinking about what depresses people and how crazy pills are. Oh it's still up there. You can still find it. Anyway, at the end of this, this is really like me, both of us are barbecued. I don't know what the fuck. What do we eat? Edibles? Some sort of edibles? It was in the beginning. Lollipops. Yeah. We were crucified. Rogan was asleep. Yeah. He was going in and out. But he wrote on the blog and I don't even have to look at it. The fart was strong. He's lucky I farted because it was a lot better than the Antonio Banderas movie. He was watching something to do with his Antonio Banderas movie. I don't remember what it was. I don't remember what it was. But I do remember the lady behind you. I will never forget hearing her over the earphones. I hear, oh my god! There it is! Over the pounding sound in my iPod, I hear a woman in the row behind us cry out. Oh my god! I look over at Joey and he smiles. There's your fucking happy pill right there. You're right, Antonio Banderas. It says right there. Oh, what was it? My iPod is... My iPod is... Oh yeah. Teaching underprivileged youth how to salsa. That's what I was watching. I was watching a terrible movie. Terrible. We both were. And Joey farted the fart of all farts. Oh man. Do you remember, by the way? Where I push you off the seat. You ever have those farts on the plate? Do you actually feel your leg? It's like you're in one of those chairs. When you're on a plane and it's going to go down, what's the button you push to throw you off the plane? Oh, the ejector seat. Oh yeah. Look what it was. It like injected me a little bit. He digs his seat belt into your waist. Oh my god, it was terrible. But another time I fought, I used to take the number one bus from Jersey City to North Bergen to the high school. And we were on the bus one morning, kids, and there was a guy reading a paper. I could live to be 100 and never forget this. Reading the Daily News. And he had a connector of Drool from his lift to the Daily News and there was a puddle. He was on heroin. They would go to Jersey City in those days and get methadone. So they would take the bus up north with us. So I'm sitting there, he's passed the fuck out. And the Drool is connected to the Daily News and there's got to be just six inches of puddle. This guy's been passed out for 20 minutes. I point my ass at him. I'm not sitting behind him. I'm sitting across from him and I lift up my hips a little bit. Then I kept my asshole just pointing at him. That even if it wasn't pointed at him, he would ricochet off the chair and go straight and through his mouth like one last time. He's sitting there and I let a fart go out. I could live to be 80. He lifted his eyes like this first, right? Like he went like this first? He wiped his mouth. And he's like, man, who the fuck farted? He goes, it smelled like something went up in some of these ass and died. And me and my little buddies were like, what? The second grade? We're fucking giggling out of our asses. He's like, I should beat the fuck out of whoever farted on this motherfucker. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Jesus, man. Fantastic. Jesus Christ. Oh, man. This is why I hate people. This is why I hate when I read posts. Yeah, give me a second. This is why I hate. This is the reason why I hate when I read posts from people going, are you sick and tired of blue comedy? Well, come down to the Stanford feed there on Friday night and listen to intelligent comedy. Fart provoking comedy. And then I think about how many times I'm 54 years old and at night I got a sleep apnea machine on. And there's a little needle in the sleep apnea machine because the hose punches air into your fucking mouth. So there's an escape valve that's the size of a needle. Do you know how many nights I will sit there and be half asleep and I'll need the fart and I'll wake up just the fart to see if I could smell the fucking fart come through that hole. Do you? Yes, if it comes through the hole, it's a tremendous fart. I just wake up my wife, like I go, I think you got it, hell, like it's that good. I'm 54 years old. That always makes me laugh, Tom Segura.