Joe Rogan Experience #909 - Bill Burr

Let's clear our throats to start. This stuff is good. We're live? That's it fuckers. That's it. I'm pushing the fucking computer away. I got throat code T. That's right, you're ready to go. Billy Burr. Hey, how are you? Netflix special out today, out now. That's right. Walk your way out. Shot at the Ryman Theater in Nashville, Tennessee. That's where they used to do Granolab. It was a beautiful place. Yeah, and I had done it in 2014. Vince Vaughn Wild West, he has a comedy festival there. I don't know if you've done it yet. That's where I did it. I did the Ryman there for the same reason. Yeah, so I went out there and I was like, I don't know, it's the first place they did the Granolabry, Elvis, Hank Williams, whatever, and you're like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Another theater, and you walk in, you're like, oh, wait a minute. I just had that magic in it, and I went out and I had this great set, and that's just, you just stick it in the card catalog going, all right, next time I have ... I was like, I just burned all this material, so I got to write a whole new hour and come back here, and so next time I go to shoot something. I think that was about a month before I did the tabernacle for my one previous of that, so I already knew, which was cool, before I wrote my next hour where I was going to shoot it, so. You want a two year schedule, you think? That's the way to do it? Roughly two years, but I have a vibe of when ... This one was overcooked, and just because I got real busy with F is for Family, I would have liked to have taped it about six months earlier, but it made it ... I think it made it better or whatever, but I would have just as far as ... You know what I mean? It's kind of like in this business, there's that thing, you don't want to be overexposed, but then you don't want to wait too long, so you got to try to ... And then that's also not like, oh, so and so successful, and he waits X amount of time, so I'm going to do the exact thing. It's really like whatever you're trying to do, so it's kind of different for different people. Those YouTube stars, their thing is all about just constantly putting out stuff. Where I think the road that I'm on is ... Like right now, I'm out there promoting this shit, and then once it comes out and everybody's seen it, and they're liking it, and I'm done promoting it, then I just sort of disappear until F is for Family comes out. I'm kind of a big believer in that, of be out there when you got something that's going on, don't just do shit to do shit. I call that like extra TV. Hey, he's just here to be here, and now he's over there. Is that guy again, because I find myself, people that I'm fans of starting to hate people going, can't fucking get away from this fucking guy. Then I'm thinking, do I actually hate this person? I don't know what it is, but there's definitely a tipping point. You know who's real smart about that? Daniel Tosh. He doesn't do shit. He doesn't do a fucking thing. He sells out everywhere he goes. He's got millions of dollars, so he's like, I don't need to do shit. I'm overexposed as it is. My show's on constantly. I'm not doing nothing. He won't do interviews, doesn't do podcasts. Yeah. Adam Sandler's another guy. Adam Sandler doesn't do ... I'm trying to think the last time I saw him promote a movie, and yet I see all of his movies. Then he's here through the grapevine. Oh, he's signed some big thing with Netflix. All his movies are going to be over there. I was like, all right, I guess I'm watching him over there. I've always just sort of like ... It wasn't until I talked to somebody that I'm like, yeah, he doesn't do any press. Good for him. Basic. I might be wrong, but from what I heard, he does very little if he does any. Yeah. No, he's smart. He's got his core audience. I watched Jack and Jill with my kids, with my six-year-old and my eight-year-old. It is fucking hilarious when you watch a really silly movie with a six-year-old and an eight-year-old, and they're literally falling off the couch laughing. That's awesome. You realize, oh, he's making movies for little kids. People who get mad at it, like, oh, those movies are stupid. Not if you're six. If you're six, they're fucking awesome. What if you're just getting a stupid movie? Yeah. That's what I like. I don't want to fucking think every time I go see him, but sometimes I just want somebody make me laugh. I liked the Zohan one. I love that movie. Yeah, when his foot was coming up. I love it. It was hilarious. Dude, I remember when I was living with Bobby Kelly, we watched Waterboy, Bobby Boucher. We watched that thing like fucking 900 times. It was kind of like our go-to. If we didn't have spots, you try to kill a day. We just had the little VHS thing. Yes. Yes. I probably saw that movie at least 30, 40 times. Yeah, and Happy Gilmore. I saw Happy Gilmore at least 10 times. That's a fucking great movie. Did you forget the name of the last one when he did with Spade when he worked at the bank in the supermarket? Did you watch that one? That was his first Netflix one. That was that one. That came out last year. No, I didn't see it. My short-term memory's sharp, but that was a funny one too. No, his movies are ... They're always consistently that way, that kind of movie. No, and I like that they're unapologetically silly because he's a guy that gets a lot of shit and he just doesn't give a shit. It's like, oh, all right, you didn't like this one? There's another one that made a zillion dollars. Yeah, avoid the press. Find your core audience too, what you got to do. I like what you're doing. I like that sort of schedule. I feel like that's kind of like the same amount of time that I do. Around a year and a half, I start thinking this thing's about done. A year in, I feel like, well, I could kind of pull it off, but not really. You don't want to do that. You don't want to. You take it out of the oven too soon, then there's just like that, you know, the inside was still a little mushy. It's just like, you know, yeah, you go out there and you kick the shit out of them every couple of years. Hopefully, hopefully they like it and then they'll come see you again on your next tour. And that's all you owe them and that's all they owe you. It's just like, I saw your last one, you're still in my wheelhouse of people, I'm going to go see. But the second you fuck up, I'm not going to go see you. And you can't ask fans to do any more than that. No. What about the other stuff I did that didn't suck? It's like- Yeah, but your last thing sucked and there's too much unbelievable stuff being put out, so you got to kind of try and keep up. Yeah, Ari Shafir had a real good point about that too. He said that, you know, one point in time, comedians used to have, they used to do a special and it was like their best special, like an HBO special, and then they would slide off. They would all slide off, every one of them. Like, Kinison's the worst. Like Kinison, you watch Kinison's first special and then you watch, like, listen louder than hell that cassette and watch his first HBO special. Fucking genius. Just balls out. And if you don't get it, I understand because it's not 1986 anymore, but if you were in 1986 and you saw that, you would have been blown away. You would have been like in the presence of greatness. No, he's on my Mount Rushmore, that guy. Me too. Me too. But then the stuff after that was dog shit. It got worse and worse and worse. He kind of, as far as I can just, I mean, I never met the guy, but just as far as watching him as a fan, he kind of seemed like he stepped in every single pitfall of getting some fame. Yep. Everything, like not trying his heart. Coke, girls. Yeah. Yeah. Showing up late to shit. Hanging out with Bon Jovi. Getting a bad reputation. No, Motley Crue. It wasn't Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi, yeah, it was one of his early specials. Like Bon Jovi was on the beginning of his special. I just remember he drove Motley Crue to the whiskey for the Kickstart My Heart video. Oh, that's right. That's right. I'm a child of the 80s, dude. Oh, that's a great video. That fucking Kickstart My Heart still to this day when that comes out of the gym, I get fired up. Oh, it's a great song. It's a great fucking song. The dialogue in the beginning is brutal though. He goes, here we are. He gets something like, this is where it all began. And then the guy goes, and then some of the car goes, yeah. And then he goes, home sweet home. And then they all go, yeah. Oh, God. Pull that up. Pull that up, Jamie. Give me some volume. Dude, it was the 80s though. It was... This is where I'll be going. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Kineson's driving. Yeah, Kineson's driving. But Tommy Lee's drums in this are fucking amazing, man. Wow. You forget how long these guys have been around, how long Tommy Lee's been around. How are his arms not falling off? Give me a little volume on that, Jamie. I want to hear this. Fuck yeah. This is the best treadmill song of all time. If you're on the fucking treadmill. Is that you did it? It's a fucking great song for working out, man. I think this is the best song ever. Did you really? Oh, wow. You were explaining to me something before the podcast started. I wanted you to talk about it on the podcast because you were talking about drum technique and you had like a slow motion video of how you do it and you're kind of letting the stick do a lot of the work. Yeah, I got this great teacher, Davey Lachout, who played with everybody from Mars Volta to like Miley Cyrus. So whatever your gig is, like total progressive, crazy. I can't even, you know, some of the music he's played, I don't even know where one is. And then he can also just do the straight pop tour or whatever. But his technique is incredible. Because the first time I saw him play, he's got this drum cam. I should show it to you. It's literally I'm looking at it and with, you know, layman's eyes, I was like, how is this guy's arms not falling off? But his technique, you know, as I've, you know, gone and taken lessons for well over a year with them, now I can watch it on a different level as far as like his technique is sick. So he's not fucking his arms up and everything. He's moving his arms, giving people a show. But like it's hard to explain. Like first of all, I'm not a professional drummer, but it's also hard to explain like over a podcast. But like he's yeah, it's letting the stick do the work. And he kind of equated it to like if you'd like dribbling like a ball or something like that, or maybe somebody else. Like if you dribble a basketball, it's like every time it comes up to your hand, once you get it going, you're not slamming it back down to the floor. You just sort of controlling the rebound. It has something sort of to do. There it is. This is the one. It's the, you should turn up the volume. Just this is just going to bore the shit out of people. No, no, no, it's not. You see it as hands, how loose his hands are. See when he just opens his hand like that? He's getting, you know, well, you know, this guy's a fucking animal, man. You love drumming, huh? You're fucking really deep into this shit. It's literally, I tried therapy. I tried talking to people and shit and it's just like, yeah, I only get so far, but like that stuff like just totally clears my head and I like it because it's like comedy where there's somewhere to go with it and it's endless. Like there's really no end to how good you can come as a comic if you keep pushing yourself with these little skillsets that you know, they're kind of weak and you can just keep making, you know, working on them. Drumming is the same way. So it's that going for the next thing that has me just present, trying to work it out. And I just forget about everything else. And you know, I even got a kid now. My wife still lets me go play for an hour a day because she knows it's good for us. So that's like, it's like a meditation on top of like a little bit of a workout too, because you're throwing your arms around. Oh yeah. Yeah, they're all shredded. Like you do look at guys like Travis Barker and Tommy Lee, those guys have Jack veins. They're all shredded. Yeah. Well, yeah. Well, that part of that I think is also like if you just sort of struggle, there's also something too, and that's, I'm not talking about anybody you just mentioned, but there is something, something about if you do heroin in your twenties, you're kind of like, sure, shredded for life. I don't know what it is. Iggy Pop. I don't know if he did it. If he did hard drugs, those guys are like, these guys are just shredded. It's very rare that after you come out of that, you know, Keith Richards, all of those guys, they're just Keith Richards is like, you could pick that guy up with two fucking fingers. Yeah, he's all sinew. Yeah, he's all like, yeah. It's like he's did Pilates. Nah, I just shot heroin for like three years. Look at Iggy. He's still shredded. His skin is giving up. He's losing the elasticity, but he's still shredded. I saw him there. Yeah, his body is very odd. I saw him in, well, you're looking at him now when he's like 70. I saw him with Queens of the Stone Age backing him up. I saw him downtown LA. How long ago? Like fucking about a year ago. Wow. This is what I loved about the guy. He went out there and like one song in, he had his fucking shirt off. He just didn't give a shit. He's the bird crusher of music. Yeah. And that's why, that's why I like, you know, when they give Madonna shit for twerking at 58, it's like, who gives a fuck? I mean, there is something, you know, there is like, there is something to be said about, it's all how you do it. He did it. I felt like he didn't give a fuck, but if you're kind of doing is this desperate thing, still trying to be like good looking, then it gets a little, I guess it gets a little cheesy. The Madonna thing, it's not the twerking. It's the shit that she says with the twerking, you know, like, I'll suck everyone's dick who doesn't vote for Trump, like that kind of stuff. Like, really? Well, hey, dude, she's been able to hang around for fucking 40 years doing it. I know, but it's just like, don't do that anymore. What if a tooth falls out? What if you're blowing somebody and it just goes wrong? She's 70 years old or something. She's 85 years old. She's a hundred and twenty years old. She's 58. She's 10 years older than me. She's in better shape than I'll ever be. She seems a lot older than that. Doesn't she? I mean, when we were kids, she was already a grown woman. When she broke, she was like 25, I think. She made it quick. I remember when I was in high school, I've told this story before, but when I was like 16, I was in love with her and I found out she was 27 and I was like, that bitch is old. Jesus Christ. I thought 27 was ancient. You were kicking into the curb at 16? I just thought she was so old. She didn't even hit her prime yet. I know. I just was retarded. I was 16. I didn't know any better, but I just remember here and she was in her late 20s. It's over. Look at her. That was when she was kind of chubby too. I did think 27 though when I was a kid. When I would see a 27 year old guy, I used to think, that's a man. He's got it figured out. He's on his own. All this bullshit I'm going through is all sorted out in his fucking head. I used to think that. I had a whole bit about that. 48 and I'm just going to be 49 this year and I'm just still figuring shit out. I had a whole bit about, remember when you were a kid and you thought there were real grown ups. You were confused. You get yelled at. You get sent to your room. You're like, one day I'm going to be a grown up and everything's going to make sense. Then one day you're in line at the supermarket and someone goes, paper or plastic, sir. You're like, sir, I'm a sir? Am I a grown up? This is it? Then you realize there's no grown ups. There's just a bunch of babies who got older and they're all pretending and they look like they're grown up to you because you're on the outside. Once you become one of them, you realize there is no grown ups. There's some out there. There's some men and women out there. I'm not one of them. Have you met one? Yeah. Like who? Name one. I've met a few in this business as far as people just like, I would say anybody who was, they have like, they're super successful in this business and they just go home. You know what I mean? They just go home. Like that's an adult. Right. They go work, they fucking crush it. If there is an after party, they make their appearance, they have a little seltzer water and they're gone and they get eight hours sleep. They're talking to their wife and their kids. To me, those are adults. To do what I do is to still go out and fucking have a couple of whiskeys and wake up a little hungover going, oh God, why did I do that? For the nine millionth time of my life. Like yeah, I'm not an adult. Yeah, but I don't think there's anyone like that that's a comic. I don't know anybody that's really funny that has it all totally together. I've never met one ever. Name one. They don't exist. That's funny? Yeah, they don't exist. They're all fucked up a little bit. Keeping it together, like paying your taxes, showing up on time, all that good stuff. Adult like, but all, every one of us is one shitty- This isn't depressing. No, it's not bad, but every one of us is one shitty decision from a disaster. Every one of us at any point in time. When I watch people, I don't know, when I watch them fuck up their lives, the first feeling I have is panic when I see it. I'm like, oh God. Imagine what they're thinking, right? You imagine yourself in their position. Yeah, God, man, what if I did that? Yeah. Like when you see someone pulled over for drunk driving, like fuck. Oh no, oh no. The whole fucking thing, giving your money to the wrong people, they mismanagement, they fucking go broke, becoming a fucking alky. I just read something about a rampage. This one, banging the maid. Oh, the banging the maid's a good one. Banging the maid or the nanny? You can't have a maid or a nanny in your life. Well, if you do, they have to be disgusting. That's like the- Didn't Ben Affleck bang his nanny? He did, right? That was never confirmed. That was never confirmed. Oh, she confirmed it. Yeah, but what does that mean? She needs a book deal? She got fired? Who knows? Unless he came out and said, I never fucked her. And he never did that. Jesus, dude, you're going to do that to him? Yeah, I don't. I'm not a big fan of this. You know what? You didn't like the town? No, I didn't like him. I did on a Bill Maher show, got this ridiculous argument with Sam Harris. I realized what he's all about. I was like, oh, you're one of those guys. He was like calling Sam Harris racist because he was talking about the problem with ideologies and religions and the tenets of Islam. And he started yelling at him, calling him a racist. And didn't really understand that Sam Harris is actually a scholar, knows a lot about religion, just got way over his head and looked really stupid. So the only difference between me and him is he did that on TV and I do it over the phone with my friends. No. The only difference is you're funny. You're funny. And if you did it, you have self-deprecating humor. You would have, you know, like, what the fuck am I talking about? I don't know shit. Go talk to the guy at the gas station. I just stopped at right before I got here when I found out they didn't take credit cards. What happened? They just didn't take, you know, I was. You got mad at him? I was a cunt to him. Really? Yeah. Because what it was was I was getting up against being here by 11 and I got to get home to take my wife out of the house because she's going nuts staying in the house with the kids. So I got that thing and I got to sign this other fucking, you know, life insurance. You know, I got to do all this adult shit. And I'm thinking I got this little window to get gas and I show up in this fucking industrial park. There's no gas station. I finally got all the way down and the whole time it was like it's thrifty. And I'm thinking, like, isn't that a fucking car rental place? So I pull in and I stick the credit right as I stuck it in. I'm going, this is too easy because I know I have the exact amount of time to get her right on time. And I'm like, is this debit? I'm like, oh, you cunt. I'm like, no. And they go go in and see the guy behind the register. I'm like, yeah, I try to use my credit card. And he goes, yeah, we don't we don't we don't take credit cards here. And I go, why? And he goes, I just take debit card. I just kept saying why. Like a fucking two year old. And he finally just goes, so it's cheaper. And I was like, all right, that's a good excuse. And I gave him like 60 bucks and it only ended up being like 30 nights. Then I had to go back in and get my change. And he's looking at me like, see, you fucking idiot. It would have cost you like 15 more. So I do that all the time. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of those fucking debit card only ones. That's stupid. Well, you never use your debit card. Use your credit card anyway. Why? Because that's your money. So somebody takes that and then cleans you out. That's your shit. If somebody swipes your credit card number, that's their money. So then they call you up and they just go, hey, Joe, did you buy a ham hock in fucking Vancouver at a strip club? Well, I know I didn't. I was in Burbank. Ham hock. Good luck with that. Has anybody ever bought a ham hock at a strip club? Dude, you've given me every piece of the fucking hock except that. I've got some ham hock for you. Some bone he can chop up and make marrow with. So I got a buddy of mine who's a lawyer who prosecutes identity theft, which a lot of lawyers don't want to do because it's unbelievably tedious. And when they call up, a lot of times they're calling up the credit card companies to fight for their case. They still have to go through that maze. If you'd like to do this, press one. If you'd like to do that, press two. And they're trying to help them out. But that was one thing that I remembered out of all the things he told me not to do. He goes, don't ever use your debit card because if they get that and they clean you out, that's your fucking money. And then all of a sudden you get a mortgage coming up and then you're late and you're like, no, but somebody took my money and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, your credit card. They have to deal with it. I had an attempt recently and I'm thinking, I wonder whether or not it's because I switched over to Windows because you know, I have this Windows computer now. I get pissed off at Mac. People got mad at us clearing our throat and I just cleared my throat again. I switched over to this Windows computer because I got mad at these Macs. They switched over all the ports and now you have this USB-C and you have to get an adapter if you want to use all your other shit to it. I know. I got Rosetta Stone French, right? There's no place to stick the fucking... Yeah, you have to get an adapter. You get it. So I was like, what the fuck? How about the iPhone 7 with the little fucking umbilical cord? The lightning thing, yeah. Yeah, but you can get a splitter with that where it goes with a... You can use a regular headphone jack. But it's all extra money. Yeah. It's all extra money and then you fucking lose them. I think the idea is that eventually there's going to be some peripherals that are more powerful and they don't work on the existing ports. But you know, like I got this Lenovo ThinkPad and I love it. And this is the second one that I got because it's got everything. It's got an Ethernet port. It's got HDMI. It's got all this shit. It's tiny. The battery life is fucking forever. It's got this fat battery in the bottom. But for the first time in a long time, somebody tried to steal my identity. And I'm like, jeez, I wonder if it has to do with that. I wonder if it's a Windows thing. Does that make sense? Not really. I don't know. It could be. It could be something else. I don't know. But it's sneaky. But at least when I have a business management company, they contact me. They put the stop to it right away. Oh, that's cool. But it's disconcerting that your shit's out there. You know, someone's trying to find your social security number and attach it to your credit card and buy something. Yeah. I've had it happen at gas stations where they put that fake scanner on. They put a fake scanner over the scanner. So as you scan through and you're even allowed, you even are using it. Like you're using your credit card. You're buying gas, but you gave them your credit card information. Yeah. Two times credit cards that's happened to me at a gas station. Restaurants are another big double swipe thing. Yeah. Restaurants. Well, that's people that work there. You gotta go cash as much as you can. I know, right? Isn't that crazy? This never happened. You don't know me. I know a guy who's dead now, but he was one of the first credit card thieves. His name was International Sal. That's what we used to call him. Because when he got arrested, that was what his nickname was, was International Sal. Because this was in like the 70s and the 80s when credit cards first came out. He would get those carbon slips from restaurants and they would make up new credit cards and then sell them to criminals. He would just get bags and bags of cash from it. This guy was gambling. He would go to the pool hall that I went to. He was like the most perpetual loser you've ever seen in your life. He could not win. It was a psychological- It sounds like an Oscar winning movie. This guy's life. In a way, it probably should be. He was a trip. How did he end up dying? Cancer. Bad. Colon cancer. It was real bad. A buddy of mine's wife. That's where Hollywood would switch up the script. It's just too common. Go off a bridge like Thelma and Louise. That's what happened to me the other night when I was on stage and I was joking about men going to the moon and somebody yelled, go see hidden figures. I was like, yeah, because that's a history book. I just love how people ... I'm not saying those. Obviously, those women existed, but then now they're going to do the overcorrection where it was like, these three women. It's just like every time you see a picture of NASA, you'll see a thousand, a hundred worker bees. Nobody knows their fucking names. We got there because of all of those people, but it's like when a team wins a championship. If the Patriots win, it's going to be all about Tom Brady. No one's going to know the fucking offensive line's name. If the Falcons win, it's going to be about ... I don't know, Julio Jones or Matt Ryan. You know these guys. You would know this. Tom Brady's got some wacky diet. There was some article about Tom Brady's diet being bullshit. Do you know about Tom Brady's diet? He's got some crazy diet. No, I don't get into people's personal lives. No, he talks about it. I watch the game. No, but I don't ... If they had ... You don't pay attention. Tom Brady talks about beans and fucking rice. You don't give a fuck? No, I just want to watch the game. I don't watch pre-game. I don't watch post-game. I don't need you to break it down for me. I watched it. I like ... There's certain people that if they were to break it down. It's the same thing with what you do. There's certain things ... The reason why I like your commentating was I learned about the leg kicks and all. You always hammer that home, how much that just chops the other guy down. Aside from the fact is I've been kicked in the shin. Everybody has. I've gotten a charley horse and I just don't understand ... That one that Conor McGregor had against ... What's his face there? Ortiz? No, not Ortiz. I'm the worst with the names. He's furthering the second time. Diaz? Nick Diaz? Diaz. Just watching him repeatedly kick him in the leg and then in the end, McGregor leaves on crutches. It's just like ... Yeah, broke his foot. Yeah, like how much is your adrenaline going? Going like crazy. You don't feel a thing. Yeah, that you can just keep kicking somebody in their leg, hitting their bone with the top bone of your whatever. Was it your metatarsals? Mm-hmm. Whatever the hell it is. Just keep ... I can just picture myself kicking the guy once going, ah, just grabbing it and hopping up and down like the guy on Family Guy. Yeah, most of the time we don't feel it while it's happening. I broke my shin, I broke my foot, I broke both feet. Kick elbows. Elbows are a way that a lot of times guys break it. Because guys will cover up and your foot, like your instep, will slam into the elbow. Your instep always loses, always. Shins can win sometimes. Now, when the adrenaline wears off and you realize you've broken your instep, kicking someone as hard as you can in their elbow, what is that pain like? Yeah, you know, just throbbing. Your foot swells up to like the size of your thigh. It just becomes this big balloon of black and blue and it's disgusting. You know what's funny? After watching my wife going through labor and everything, I said the only men that could actually relate would be people who do that for a fucking living. People who fight, they couldn't even relate. It's worse than that. Yeah, it's genitals. It's genitals. It's coming out of your vagina. It's just crazy. No, I got a whole new level of respect for my wife. I was just like ... She told me the funniest fucking thing when she went into pre-labor and I was just telling her to breathe and I was running to get the stuff. I was pretty prepared and there was some coat or something like that. I was like, Nia, where did you leave the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? She goes, when you said that to me, she goes, I was almost ready to blackout with the pain and she goes, I had this thought, if he asked me one more time where that coat is, I'm going to push this baby out and fucking throw it out. Dude, my wife is hilarious. She's funny in your podcast too. She's very funny. She's funnier than a lot of comedians I know. She's fucking hilarious. But she has this, what I love about her, she's got this spirit, man. She's just really ... When I met her, man, I had never met anybody ... There's very few people I've met in my life that have an energy where you're just like, wow. I want to be around that. She just had this amazing ... Really, she just throws herself into shit. I was more like garden and all of that, so it was sort of the perfect kind of balance. Every time I think I've seen the end of that energy, she does something else. Yeah, it was pretty amazing. That's a great relationship. You're both growing. She's growing and you're growing. Oh yeah. No, dude, she's hit me with some fucking classic lines. Most of the time, I was calling her out on some shit she was doing. I just took it a little too far. I should have stopped probably five minutes early and I was still going. I go, you fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and you do this and that and I was in the car and right as I stopped, she goes, yeah. Well, you know Pony Ride either, my friend. We both just bursted out laughing and that was just the end of the fight. She has that ability where in the past, I would date people either they were too nice, so they couldn't handle how fucked up I was or the worst. They were just as fucked up as I was and it was totally toxic. She's just sort of grounded. That's so important when you're dating somebody or married somebody or whatever. They have to compliment you and you have to compliment them in some sort of a way. You can't be exactly the same and who you are is different when you're with different people. If you're with a person like that who can crack a joke in the middle of the heat of everything, you become a different person. They become a different person. If she's with somebody who doesn't appreciate that, you're not just an individual. You're an individual who relates to other people and you become someone different when you relate to those people. It took me forever to realize that. The way I processed it was, how come I can't break up with this person? That's how I figured out I was in love. Wow, that's a good one too though. Every time I pictured breaking up with her, I kept picturing her walking away and then me going like, no, no, no, no, no, get back, get back, get back. After denying that that was love for a good fucking eight years, I was just like, yeah, I guess I have found the one. That's an abused word, love. There's way too many people throwing that word around like a beach ball at a concert. It's just too abused. Dude, all of that shit and then all of the stuff that people say that when you first see your kid, they fill your head up on what the fuck you're supposed to feel. I was talking about this on, I think on Kimmel. When I saw my kid for the first time, I was afraid. I didn't have that, oh my God, I just started crying. I was just like, hey, and I sort of just put my finger down and let it hold. When they left me alone with it for the first time, the magnitude of it was definitely huge, but I didn't feel that whole, the second I saw my kid, I knew my life had changed. I didn't feel that for like 12 hours. It wasn't until the next, because my head was so filled up on what I was supposed, I was like having an outer body experience. It wasn't until the next morning my wife was playing Stevie Wonder, some chill music and stuff and I was just sitting with her and it just sort of, and you know, baby, baby sneezes or something like that and it just fucking hits you. Even then, I never had that blubbering moment. To me, it was kind of scary too and kind of psychedelic because when my daughter was born, my eight year old was born, there was a moment when I was thinking, how many babies are being born simultaneously right now all over the world? If you could look at it on a screen, it would be a swarm of humanity, just heads popping out of pussies, just blah, blah, blah, blah. Just if you could see every baby coming out right now and then I thought at the same time, I thought about this baby becoming an old lady and dying and I thought like how many old people are dying simultaneously at the same time right now? Yeah, see I think it's important to say that because the hacky thing is you're supposed to say the second I saw my kid, I bursted out crying and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah so then it becomes like if you don't do that, you're not going to be a good dad, you don't care and all of that type of stuff but I just think that that kind of became like the hacky default thing and then I also, this is all just theories of course and I'm not going to research any of this but I think parents try to outdo each other with their stories about what the fuck they felt and it's just because they're really like, they're not sane people, most parents. No. And I've learned to kind of already be like, they'll just sit down next to you like your floor is gump and they'll just sit down and just start talking to you so you just add your kid, all right, well this is what you got to watch out for, you know, and I remember my kid and blah, blah, blah, blah, dude it's like airplane, you know what I mean, where the fucking person, he talks to him and you want to kill yourself. Just wait until you start going to school and you got to hang out with these parents all the time because your kids become friends with their kids and then you become friends with these people that you would never be fucking friends with. This is what I do is I just look straight ahead and I don't look at them, I don't respond to what they're saying and then they just sort of talk quieter and they gradually leave. You're going to have to go to dinner with them, your wife's going to be friends with some lady, you're going to go, what's going on double date? Okay fine, you're going to go, this is one guy I know, he talks and he doesn't look at you. He tells me these fucking stupid stories about his kid and the basketball team and he looks at you for a second. So Adam's in this basketball team and then he starts looking down, he's like, the coach won't put him in the game and I'm saying like, he's a good player, he's a good player, how can I put him in the game? And he's fucking rambling, rambling with no regard whatsoever for your attention span, the entertainment value of what he's saying. He's just- The underlying insecurity of not being able to look at you or he's so self-involved? He's self-involved and he's doing some weird thing with his hands where he's like talking with his hands and I'm going Jesus Christ, it's literally like someone's crushing me. What do you fantasize about doing to him? Oh, just running, just running away, I don't want to hurt him, the guy's hurt by life. He's so damaged by life, I don't want to do anything to him. I just want to get the fuck away. I always picture those people and I have a giant roll of duct tape and I just put it on there. It's like a cartoon level speed. No, it's cartoon level. I just put it on their mouth and I go, and the last one, it comes up and over their head and then it hangs down, the whole rest of the tape is hanging down over their head. Awkwardly. And then I just go back to eating or whatever and they just sit there and slowly have to take it off. This is some brutal fucking people. There's a bunch of weird people that you get closer to them and closer to them and you find out about their life. Yeah, but you know what? All those people I want to do that too, I'm sure they're talking about me. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure they talk about me too. That's just how it goes. It just seemed like he was in a bad mood. Yeah, all the time. Yeah. Yeah, this is a friend of Ron White's who's a friend of mine who the first time he met me, he's like, oh, I don't know. And Ron's like, I'm telling you, he's a good guy. He's a dad too and we're all buddies together now, but he's like, I don't know. I'm guarded. I've been beaten down by some of these fucking basketball stories that these assholes will tell you. And my kitty, he's a good player. He's a good player. They just want to put him in the game. Just you think of things that you would torture somebody talking about and you're like, I would never do this to you. Why are you doing this to me? You're not even thinking about it. It's like verbal waterboarding. You're like in your own little Guantanamo. That's a great way to describe it. Just being like, when is the dessert tray coming? So I could say I don't need dessert. That's part of the problem with hanging around with comedians too, is when they say something like for a good percentage of it, it's funny. It doesn't have to be funny all the time, but a good percentage. When you're talking to people that aren't funny at all and it never comes, like surely there's something funny coming. Eventually, nothing? Never? Never. Something compelling. Nothing. I'm telling the coach, can you play good? And that's when I start thinking like those duct tape fantasies and then I start making myself laugh and I have to pretend like I'm drinking and then they get all weirded out because they see some weird look on my face and it's the whole thing, just fucking, it just goes south. So I usually breathe. I take these breathing exercises. I do the Wim Hof method where I take all my breath in and I let like 15, 20% out. There's no way you do that across from a person. Well, I guess if he's not looking at you, he doesn't see it. Yeah, I do. I do like this. Watch, ready? Does he look like he just got shot and you're waiting for the ambulance when you're doing it? Like you're just trying to hold up. Okay, keep it together. Stay conscious. Keep it together. Try to stay present. Try to meditate in the face of overwhelming retarded conversation. Just try to detach myself from whatever they're saying, find a happy place, find a peaceful spot. Do we get, you know what Rolfing is? It's a form of like deep, deep tissue massage. Brutally painful shit. Brutally painful. I get Rolfed and this guy that does it, he's fucking rough and he knows how to do it. Hey, I tell you this guy's rough here. I tell you. He has a metal bar. I mean, it really seems like a torture device. It looks like a chisel, like a fat wide chisel and it has like a thin layer of like rubber over it and he takes this metal bar and it has like a handle, like a sword where he's wearing a gasket. I'm naked, unfortunately. And he's digging this fucking thing into my back. I mean, digging it in, like all of his weight and he's like popping over the scar tissue and I have to go deep into my mind when he's doing it. I just go deeper and deep. My eyes are closed. My face is in that thing. And then when you get in the massage, you know, so if you, if you could see my face, I like pushed and smushed into a little massage chair thing or massage table thing. Like you're doing that red bull jump from the outer space. My buddy is a world champion at that shit. He's traveled more in that flying squirrel suit. He's traveled to further distances than anybody. Dude, that red bull jump, that fucking guy, he was, I think he was like, he was just falling like a stone from space. How about the guy that fell into a net? Did you see that one? I just did the comic thing and I totally derailed you. No, it's okay. I find my happy space while this guy's doing this and I have to do that. I literally, I think I'm going, I go just deeper and deeper in my mind to ignore the pain because the pain is so intense. The only way I could get through that basketball guy is if I already told my wife that he did it and it annoyed me and then what I would do is I would just be egging him on going like, so why doesn't he play him? And just keep going and then she would start kicking me under the table because she would start laughing and then I would have to turn what he was doing into his show. That's the only way to do it or else I'm just going to, I would probably, if I actually dealt with the emotion of those kinds of moments, I would probably start crying. I would probably just break down and be like, I don't want to fucking do this. Well I would, I just feel like I have to talk to the guy. I feel like I wish I could get him high on ecstasy and talk to him, just get him to completely remove all of his insecurities and fears and I'd be like, man, when you talk to people, you got to be thinking that they're listening to you. I can, great suggestion for if you have to keep going out with a couple like that, you got to get the corner booth so then you're not directly across from each other. So then you don't have to look at him. You can just sit there in your meditation nodding and he's not going to be looking at you and seeing his peripheral as if you're actively listening and you could be looking, you know, if the- Doesn't matter with this guy. He'll get you. I think he's a little on the spectrum. There's something going on there. If it bleeds, we can kill it. Is a detachment. Does a detachment to the way he communicates where it just seems like socially he's not present. It's very odd, very odd method of communication. Yep, I gotta hear that. I know somebody like that. You can't talk to the guy and I'd want to tell him, you know, you have this thing but it's got to be fun for the other person to hear. There's got to be something there. And, you know, we've all done something like that. We've all said something that someone didn't want to listen to. Not me. For sure. I walk in wearing a scarf. I'm not the hero. A scarf and those snoopy aviator goggles. That's right. Everybody wants to hear my bullshit. So there was that guy that jumped, right? He jumped somewhere and he fell into a net. He didn't even have a parachute. They had like a gigantic net somewhere, right? Wasn't that what it was? How far did he fall? 25,000 feet. Jesus Christ. Look at this guy. So he's skydiving 25,000 feet and he doesn't have a parachute. He's doing tricks. What the fuck kind of impact must that have been like? Oh Jesus, look at him. And at the very last minute he has to turn around. So he's steering himself and at the very last minute, Jesus, what kind of fear? The very last minute he has to turn. Look at that. Holy shit, that's insane. I mean how fast is he going at that point? So now he's not moving. Now he's crying because he can't believe he got away with it and he doesn't know why the fuck he did it. I know why he did it. You know what I want to hear? I want to hear his opening line to a woman in a bar. I bet it's the worst thing, like literally to compensate rather than just, you know, getting a book. Hey baby, what you saying? He's got to do this shit and then talk about it loudly in the vicinity of women. Luke Akins is his name. Jesus Christ. My buddy Andy Stump heals the world record for the longest in one of those flying bodysuits, the longest distance. What did he travel like 30 miles or something, fucking nuts? What did he jump off of? He jumps off everything, planes, whatever. He'll jump off a rocket if you let him. He's crazy. He's a Navy SEAL. He's out of his fucking mind. Out of his mind. Those squirrel suits look fun as shit though. Oh yeah. I would never do it, but that looks fun as hell. They get real close to the ground and then they hit the ground occasionally. Well, he's just telling me the other day. Yeah, that guy on Brian Gumbel, real sports. He's fucking toes. Oh, that's where he clipped something with his toes. He came back to Brian Gumbel. Brian Gumbel's like, a guy who has a bit of a death wish. And the other reporter's like, yeah, yeah, he does. He does. He was just laying on the ground like moaning in this agony. The worst agony I've ever heard though was that, don't please don't, I'm not going to tell you what it is because you're not going to play it. It like haunted me. I'll tell you, this guy on one of these YouTube videos, the guy who was climbing up the tree to chop it down or something and he just fell and he went straight down and shattered both of his legs and dude. Don't pull that up. I've never, I've always looked away. The sound, he was just in the woods, because he had filmed himself doing, he was just in the woods and he was just like, aah, like fucking over and over again, just like his soul. I mean, like if you gave, if he had a fucking loaded nine millimeter within reach, he would have blew his brains out. Like that was the level of pain. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that happens a lot of guys when they make tree stands. They set up tree stands and some guys are tough guys. They don't want to wear a harness. Like they have these harnesses that most people wear. They strap around your waist, they strap around your legs and then it hooks to the tree. So you can't fall off the tree, but there's a lot of guys that want to be tough guys. So they climb up these tree stands and they don't have a harness on and they fall off the tree stand and you know, you're falling 30 feet, whatever it is, and you're just, you're just fucked up. You got to crawl your way out of the woods. Or not. Or that someone finds you days later and you start to death. Has anybody fallen out of the tree stand and then getting eaten by what they were just going to get? I'm sure. I'm sure that's happened for bears because people go bear hunting and they go bear hunting in tree stands. I guarantee you someone's been eaten that way. 100%. 100,000%. No, no chance it hasn't happened. I would never have enough confidence in my ability to secure a tree stand correctly past a certain height, knowing that a bear was going to be coming to. That's just two, those two factors of falling that length and then also, yeah, and maybe right in front of a bear. What's more fucked up is how fast the bear can get up a tree. Bears can- Oh, I've seen that one. They run up a fucking tree like they're running on the ground. It's insane. Like, only up to a certain size. That's what's weird. When they get to be like 400 pounds plus, they really can't make it up trees anymore. They're too heavy. Their nails can't support their body weight. They're too big. They're too big for grizzlies. They're making a weight in the water to get this salmon. I don't want to do it. It's really more black bears than grizzlies or run-up trees, but they run up those fucking trees. They just brrrr and they're up. You can't- Yeah, there's a YouTube video of a guy. He's in one of those stands and the fucking thing looks up and just runs up the tree next to him and now it's above him. Yeah, in seconds. In seconds. That's like when you're getting fighting in a football stadium. You want to be in the row behind the guy, so you're punching down. Oh, for sure. The bear went from being on the field to two rows behind this guy and the guy's sitting there with his fucking- I don't know what he had. Bow and arrow or something. Yeah. Yeah, it's a bow and arrow. But if the bear doesn't know what a bow and arrow is, you can just slowly turn and look right at him, shoot him right in the nose, couldn't you? You might be able to, but it's not going to kill him instantly. The problem with that is they're going to get a hold of you. Like if a bear was right there in front of you and you shot it with a bow and arrow, there's two things that can happen. One, it could run away or two, it can attack you. And if it decides to attack you, by the time it expires, it's going to take like 30 seconds for it to die. And by the time it expires, it's going to fucking maul you. You know, but Leonardo, he got attacked for like a minute and a half. Dude, have you seen Hidden Figures? I found out that Leonardo story was supposedly based on a true story. We had Steve Ranella in here who's a historian on that ancient Wild West shit, and he told me it was all bullshit. He's like, first of all, the guy did get mauled by a bear. Yes. But he got away and he crawled back to camp and that's it. Like he didn't have a son. His son never got killed. There was no son. They made all that shit up. And never fell off the cliff. But if you actually made movies, how shit really happens, it would be like you'd have to watch that guy in the fucking restaurant with you not looking at people. That's how they would be. That's why people go to movies because you got to have like a ... My wife was watching that Women's March. After a while, I couldn't watch it anymore because it wasn't going anywhere. It was 100,000 people standing outside agreeing with each other. They were all on the same page. There was nothing like ... It didn't go anywhere. Right. No arrests all over the country. Tens of people marched. No arrests. That's pretty amazing. That's because they're women. You can't hit them. That's what it was. If those were guys, eventually the cops would be sick of them and they'd send a plain clothes guy to go down and light a car on fire. Well, cops were there taking pictures with them. Cops were wearing those pussy hats. There's photos of cops with pink hats with ears like kitty cat hats. You ever seen those? No. Isn't that amazing? The comment the guy makes on a bus with Billy Bush, grabbing them by the pussy, and that literally spawns a march. I'll tell you what's even more amazing is that those hats are all going to be thrown out and end up at the bottom of the ocean. And a fucking octopus is going to suffocate on one of them. Look at these cops with the pussy hats on. Yeah, stupid. Those are our protectors. They're serving and protecting right there with pussy hats on. Anti-ribbon bands, all of that shit. I just fucking ... Can't you just say what the agenda is? Do we all have to dress in the same fucking silly hat? This is a sign of solidarity. People love that though. I know. That's just a cunty comedian in there. No, I'm with you. I don't like it either. I think it's groupthink. How dare those people do what they like to do, Joe? I don't think they like to do it. They just like to just get together. Just a big refusal of admitting that this guy won some crazy popularity contest that we put on every couple of years. They should just get together with each other and they should create shit that makes money. That's what they should do. Make money? Make money and then they have to come to you. It's like podcasts, right? No one gave a fuck what we were doing. Then all of a sudden we started making money. Then all of a sudden, hey, you want to read for Legal Zoom? That's how you do it. Well, they could definitely generate some money that way, right? There's a lot of fucking people marching. You think about there was 970,000 people. That's what Whitney Cummings told me in LA alone. They thought 80,000 people were coming. It was almost a million. There was a million? Where were they? Downtown? Oh, thank God. Thank God. It was a swarm of humanity. Oh, that's great. That's fucking crazy. Thank God. Yeah, go downtown. Thank God they didn't come to my fucking neighborhood. Well, it was the last time we saw a protest against the president like that though, especially a new president. It's never. It's a new time. Like with the internet, now they can organize these things quickly and get together. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what to believe. Like that whole picture of Trump's inauguration versus Obama's inauguration, they put the photos side by side and I'm just supposed to automatically, without any checks of balances, be like, okay, that's what those photos are of. I'm supposed to believe that Bill Clinton was checking out Donald Trump's wife without seeing what he's looking at and then Hillary vaguely looking back in his direction. Vaguely. And people are going. She peered through his soul. How could you tell? She was turned around. Oh, well, we'll show you because we've watched it a thousand times on this podcast. Yeah, but you don't know what he's looking at. He says it. He says Ivanka. He says it. He literally says it. He moves his mouth. He goes, Ivanka. Wanna see it? Come on, we wanna watch it together. Watch this. Look, look, look, look, go full screen, Jamie. Watch. Ivanka, go back, go back, go back. He says it. It replays it a couple times here. Watch this. Watch this. Look at her looking at him. She ain't vaguely looking back. She's peering through his soul as he stares at her. Look at that. Look at the look he gives her. Look at the look he gives her. She turns away immediately. Watch. You don't know what he's looking at. You don't know what's going on here. He's looking right at Ivanka. He says it. Go back to it. Go back to it. Watch, watch, watch. The very beginning, the very beginning, Jamie. You're gonna convict him. You sent him to the chair on this. No, no, no, Jamie, you missed it. Go all the way to the very beginning. The very beginning of the video. No, you already missed it. What's that Air Force guy doing? You already missed it because he says it. The very beginning has got this copyright thing there. Oh, okay. Here we go. Ivanka. See that? I don't see the car. Oh, I see it. I don't see it. Ivanka. Well, let's make up something for the Air Force guy. Ivanka. Let's see what the fuck he's doing. Ivanka. That guy in the sunglass right there, he's jerking off. He's jerking off. That's why his head isn't moving. No, no, no. He's slowly masturbating. Come on. You're denying that look she's giving him. Look at that fucking look she's giving him. Look at the shot. When he shoots over at her and she takes a big deep breath. So she just bust him looking and he stared her down and she fucking looked away. That's right. That's right. He's the fucking man of the relationship. Watch it again. Watch it again. Look. Come on. Yeah. Come on. And she has her mouth open as she turns away like, oh Jesus. Hi everyone. I'm Ivanka Trump. She looks like Tracy Lord's sister in the 80s. He's got good looking kids. He does. He does. Amazing. She's good looking too. She's amazing. Hey, good for him. And if Bill Clinton wants to vaguely look in the direction of a beautiful woman off camera that none of us want to know and you want to convict him on what he might've said IV. He might've been like fucking lightheaded. I think he was growling. I think he was growling. Like inside of ... I don't know. With his mouth shut. You could not convict anybody. Who's convicting? On a court like you are. Nothing's illegal. Nothing's illegal. You are judging. No. In a court of podcast humanity. I am judging him. You are. For sure. You just sent him to the chair. But the podcast court is a lot like civil court. Criminal court, you need a lot more evidence. I never understood that. That's why OJ got off in criminal court. I never understood that. He gets off when you need more evidence, less evidence. He has to give away all his shit. I'm not saying that. That doesn't make any sense. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. Why do you need more evidence? Either he did it or he didn't. You shouldn't be like acquitted. You didn't do it. Oh, now you got to give me your trophies in your house. Yeah, what is that? And your fucking tie tacks. How the fuck does that work? How can they have a civil court where you have less evidence and that's where all your money goes? Your freedom is worth more apparently. And that one, it works out because, or sort of worked out. I think he moved to Florida to get around it. I don't know what the fuck happened. Because I think he did it. But what am I basing that on? Well, that's why he's still in jail. He's in jail for a very innocuous crime, trying to get his own shit back with a guy in the room that had a gun. The guy didn't even brandish the gun. He tried to get his shit back. His stolen memorabilia. I watched a thing on that and they fucked up by, they made some threat that then it made it kidnapping and they did all these little fucking things and he killed two white people. That's the big one. The white courts got him years later. Yeah, that's the big one. That's what it really was. I mean, it's complete bullshit. Because the reality is if he didn't kill those fucking two people, at least people didn't think that he killed those fucking two people. If he did that, I mean, he was O.J. and he was still on fucking NFL today or whatever. He probably would have been in and out and that would have been it. He might not have even done any time. They might have sided with him because these people were stealing his stuff. He would have agreed to do a couple of signings at fucking Caesars. He signed some foot fellas and some helmets and it would have been over. It would have been over. That would have been it. He would have gone to the Venetian where they have boat rides and O.J. sales in them. Take a ride with O.J. Yeah, that's a weird one though. Everybody's happy about it. He's not signing anything. He's just taking pictures and doing boat rides. Yeah, no signing folks. No signings. He'll take pictures though. Can't use your camera. It'll be up online. Caesars.com. Yeah, that'll be it. Don't touch him. Just stand next to him. That's a weird case, right? Because that's a case where we know that that's not why he's in jail, but we're all happy. Well, I mean, I don't know how I feel about all that fucking shit. I mean, I think your guy did it. He did it. He did. He wrote a book about it. Remember that? If I did it. I want to tell you or something. I think it was called If I Did It. Was that what it was called? If I did it, this is how I would do it. Yeah. Whatever happened to that book? That book never got published, right? No publisher wanted to... They originally had a publishing deal, but then... But here's the difference about all this. This is why that rubs me the wrong way that he's in jail is because all those fucking white dudes that did all that shit, like blowing up churches with black people in it, like back in the sixties, they would literally be sitting there laughing during the trial and they would get totally acquitted. And then black people weren't allowed to come along and take their fucking four wheelers and their hillbilly shit. There's stills afterwards and like a civil court. They just completely got away with it. That's why it still seems kind of fucked up. It's for sale, but they changed the... A judge awarded the Golden Family the rights to the book so they get the publishing. Oh, so you can buy it? Yeah, so it says it's by Fred and Kim Goldman, but it's not who they didn't write it. Oh, and what they did... Oh, they took away If. No, they put the If... I forget how I did it because I just saw a thing on it. The If is written in red letters inside the I. Oh, wow. So just... There it is. That right there. Oh, that's crazy. When it's written blood red. Wow. Well, what cases are you talking about of guys blowing up? I mean, obviously there was some horrendous civil rights violations that took place in the 60s and the 50s as well. And well, all from slavery on, from the 1860s forward. I'm just saying, yeah. And then the table gets turned and this guy does it, but he has the money to get off, but then he still pays for it in a way. So that's why it just doesn't... It still doesn't seem... It's good because he killed two people, so he's not out there, but it's... I don't know. It's a different crime though. I mean, what he did was a crime of passion against an ex-wife who happened to be with some other guy. Those other crimes are in a lot of ways more heinous because they're completely race related. If you go back to some of the lynchings and some of those horrific crimes... And those guys, they got... They fucking took pictures. Yeah. You ever see those photos? Those are the most scary photos. Ugliest photos. Yeah, and kids smiling and they have evil in their fucking hands. And they have evil... The kids have evil... I remember Patrice would show me those photos and would point at the kids going, look at that girl, Bill. She's probably 48 right now. Where the fuck is she? What does she do for a living? And I was just like, wow, man. It's true, right? Yeah. It's true. They're out there. Yep. Yeah. Well, when you think about how many people have actually gotten arrested for murder versus how many murders get just never solved, it's a crazy number. Nobody looks at those fucking TV shows about cops and most crimes get solved, but the reality of murders, I think it's something like 70% go unsolved. Something really nutty like that. Yeah, I talked to a cop about that one time and I won't say it over the air. It's fucking brutal. You won't say it over the air because it's that bad? Well, I just don't want to fucking... You don't want to encourage people to murder? Yeah. Give people the green light? Fuck. Yeah. Don't worry. Yeah, because we tried to come up with the perfect murder, right? We had DeRosa on this podcast and then we had this cop listen to our plans. Mine was the funniest guy's guy. All right, so me and a buddy, and he goes, it's over. He goes, you already cut. He goes, what you involve somebody else? He goes, somebody's going to get scared and they're going to cut a deal. It was fucking hilarious, dude. I got literally, and I had worked this whole thing out and me and DeRosa were trying to top each other to see which one was better and I got like... It's like when you watch American Ninja Warrior and the person like stumbles on those first thing and goes right into the water, that's what happened. So he told us basically how to get... I guess the audio does exist. He basically said, if you have no priors and nobody fucking knows, you've never done anything. If you were to do it, somebody you're just completely not even connected to. Yeah, that's a buddy of mine's and cops are the same thing. Nobody saw it. There's no way, because there's no rational connection to it, there's no trail to follow. Have you heard of this stuff that they're developing that's essentially micro cameras with GPS units that are the size smaller than a grain of rice, literally like sand? The idea is that eventually they're going to spread this shit everywhere and there will be cameras that record everything everywhere you go and it's just a matter of time. But now, there's more cameras now than there's ever been before, right? Phones and surveillance cameras and security cameras. That one right there. That one right there. There's more cameras now than there's ever been before, but it's nothing compared to what they have potentially lined up for the future. That they're going to have grains of sand, cameras everywhere. Oh, you just vacuum your house. Just scoop them up. I'm talking about out there in the street. Everywhere. I don't give a shit, that's as much as you fucking show me jerking off. Can I at least have that? Jerking. Will there ever be a time where there's no privacy? That's the question. Will there be a time where there's zero privacy? Where it doesn't exist? Well, I have, but this is the thing. The reason why they're going to get away with it is because people are such fucking voyeurs. The more private it is, the less I want to see it because I always think I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. Anytime there's like, oh God, I can't even think of an example, but there's just been some shit. Like those celebrity photos that got leaked where they got into their iCloud. If they're like naked photos, I never look at those fucking things. If somebody intercepts like a cell phone call, I don't listen to those things. I just think you're moral. No, it feels gross. Yeah, well good for you. You're a moral. You're a moral person. That's good. Yeah, and I don't know. I wouldn't say I'm a moral person, but in that instant maybe I am. You're definitely moral. I definitely say you're a moral person. Don't put me in that pedestal. You are. I mean, you're not ridiculous. I mean, you're just a guy, but do you have morals? You got to have slightly annoyed at a gas station and you're down on yourself for the rest of the day. I have a lot of work. I've got a lot of work ahead of me. You should get a punching bag. I have a speed bag. That's not good enough. Yes, it is. No, because speed bags, it's not real. Yes, it is. No, real is fucking. It exists. It exists and I hit it. It exists and I hit it and I enjoy it. I bet you do and it's good. I do enjoy it. And then I go and I play some drums and I enjoy that. I'm not degrading it, but I'm saying it's not good enough. I thought you were very judgmental. I am. I told you something. There's certain things I judge. Something that I can hold in these beautiful hands of mine. You told me it wasn't real. Speed bags are fucking weird. It's a weird position. Do you even hold your hand? Have you seen Hidden Figures? I haven't. I heard it's good. The women got us on a moon or something, right? Break speed bags versus heavy bags down in a way that you've never heard. Oh, beautiful. That's beautiful. No, heavy bag won't even sit there and fuck up my hands and all that shit. Say I don't fuck up your hands? Yeah, it is, because my technique will be fucked up because I don't have the time, Joe, to go to the dojo like you have for 30 fucking years and get it down. And I'm going to go in there and I'm going to fuck up my wrist. No. I'm going to hit it with the wrong ... Oh yeah, what? You wrap your hands. You wrap your hands. I know. You wrap your hands. Swaddle your hands. You get a water bag. Water bags are literally like you're punching into water. It's heavy. We live in a desert. But it just goes ... Oh, the same water will be there forever. It's raining now. I've got plenty of rain out there. I love how they said the drought is over. It's like, no, we have enough water right now. This now has to last us. Who the fuck knows when it's going to rain again? Something like the mayor or some shit said that out here. The drought is now officially over. Now every douchebag out there is taking an extra long shower. It's completely irresponsible. They never stopped watering those fucking golf courses. The golf courses is a huge problem. But they ... You know what? They stopped watering the medium strip on sunset in Beverly Hills. That was unsettling. I was like, wow, they're letting rich people's grass go fucking brown. This is scary. This is getting real. Well, they had rules, right? You were only supposed to water your thing at night and you can only water at a certain amount of times a day, like when it comes to your lawn. But they didn't have those rules with golf courses, did they? Golf courses, especially private ones, they spend millions of gallons of water every year just in LA. Yeah, I don't ... Do you golf? No. Good for you. It's so fucking mind-numbingly boring. I can't get into a sport where there's nobody trying to stop me. And when they're just going, if you have to ... You can't even get yourself ... I'm going to forgive myself. That's all right, Bill. You'll get them the next hole. I don't give a shit. It's so fucking ... I respect it. I don't think it's a sport, but I think the people that are the best at it are athletic. But I have seen ... The people that I have seen, dude, that I'm telling you, if you threw a ball at them, they would tense up. They just don't have any athletic ability. They will get on a golf course and they can keep it on the course. And they can shoot ... They can break 100. I just ... Oh, and the fucking pageantry of it, all the fucking clothes and the bags. The tweed. The tweed they're like either ... I don't think there's ever been a fucking sport, because there's so many fat, fuck, non-athletic people playing it. There has never been a sport that has adjusted the equipment. The ball, the fucking ... The clubs that you use to give you more distance, to help you hit it straighter. It's like literally ... The only thing missing on a fucking driver now is training wheels. It's fucking brutal. They should just have it guide you back and then come right through. That's true. Baseball never went to aluminum bats. If they did, it would ... They did it at the college level, but at the pro level, they just like, no, man, you can't do this. But baseball, when they were going through ... No one was watching it and it wasn't exciting. They made the stadium smaller. They juiced up the ball. People on roids, they looked the other way like, what? I didn't know that. And they just had these King Kong guys going up there, just smashing them over the fence. But I'm just saying, I don't know. I like when guys got busted for corking the bat. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing to get in trouble for. They put cork inside the bat. Remember bats would break and they ... What's in your bat? But that was always ... That's another one too. I couldn't watch. That's just so embarrassing. They quickly try to pick it up and just cover up the cork. Well, this is what you should do. If you're going to do that, the entire time you're a pro, the bat boy should never have to deal with your shit. You always go, it's okay, Sonny. I got it. It's so down to earth so that when you finally get busted with your cork bat, when you go to pick it up, no one's going to look at you weird. But the thing is, these major league baseball guys, they just fucking drop the bat and some little eight-year-old scurries out and picks it up. So the second that you give a fuck about that little eight-year-old, like, I think you've run enough there, Sonny Boy, I think they realized that that's when the up comes over. But you could see the cork, right? When it snaps? When those ... I know. The average sports fan would be like, dude, I knew. I said that a month ago. I can't ... The fucking bat breaks, I have no idea. It's not until they pick it up and they start looking at it, and then the announcer literally tells me, ah, they're inspecting his bat. This could possibly be a cork situation. Then I know. How much of a difference does it make to have cork in the bat? It's just a competitive edge. You still have to have the barrel of the bat meet the ball, which is so fucking hard. You still have to do that. But it could be the difference between getting to the warning track and going over and hitting the wall and getting a ground double or something. That's it? Just that little amount? That's it? Yeah, it just gives it just a little push. No shit. A little push. Sammy Sosa's downfall began 13 years ago today. Sammy Sosa got busted with cork. So what do they do? They drill a hole in the bat and they just hollow it out somehow or another? What the fuck's going on in that one? That picture you just showed. What's that? Not exactly. It might have been when they picked it up off the ground, they could have done some grass in it or some shit. So I didn't know. I thought they drilled a hole. I was trying to follow this down. It says if a bat has been corked, it transfers less energy to the ball, which makes sense kind of to me. Transfers less energy to the ball? Huh. I don't know. Well that doesn't make any sense. Yeah, that doesn't make sense to me, although I have no physics background. Well why don't you, it seems to me that it makes more sense that if a bat was solid, that does make sense. If a bat was solid. It's got more mass of a chance for more, but you would be able to swing it faster if it was lighter. Oh, I thought it was because it was more of a spongy thing. Yeah, that's what I thought too. And you know what, and that's right because I think they drill from the top. Thank God you said that because there was probably a bunch of people screaming right now at their fucking players going, no you fucking moron. It's lighter, you cunt. Oh, that's what it is. Oh, I always thought they had it up against the flush with it. Dude, that doesn't make any sense. Now that I think about that, that's like having a nerf bat up there. The fucking bat would break. I thought it would bounce more. Point? For your listeners, for the record, I said I had no physics background. You definitely don't. No, I don't. Yeah, I would think that it would hit harder, right? So it's just a matter of it being faster. Just bat speed. Probably yeah, you're bat speed. Coming through the zone. Interesting. Yeah, they swing when they're warming up, they swing all those other bats. They swing two bats, right? You know what? Or they put a weight on the bat, they swing that. Yeah, which allegedly helps. Some people say it helps, some people say it doesn't help. Well, don't you guys do that? Don't you guys run with weighted vests on through the mountains? Yeah, it's bad for your joints, but some guys do it. The best way to do it is hiking. Hiking with weighted vests is okay, but running really not such a good idea. Especially, there's a lot of guys that do it though. They'll put a weighted vest on, they run on concrete. Hey, who won that Tito Ortiz fight? I saw that. Tito won. He won? He choked him out. Yeah, it was a quick fight. He got caught in a guillotine early in the fight, but Chayo lost the guillotine. Tito got on top, Tito took his back, and it was sort of a rear naked choke, but more of a face crush. Tito's just a gorilla. A lot of people thought it was a work. They thought it was fake. They thought it was a fake fight. Oh, because he did it so easily? Well, it looked fake because the choke wasn't in right, but it wasn't fake. He did what we call goondum. You goon somebody. There's sometimes you could just get someone's head and just crush it and you goon them, whereas the right technique... He could do that to me. The right technique is you go under the chin, you wrap your head around the back of the neck, and that way you can just get maximum leverage and it's a perfect technique. He just sort of drove his lower jaw into the back of his head. If someone's eye sockets are right there and I get their head and I'm fresh early in the fight because you're not even tired and you get fucking crushed their head, you could goon somebody. Just a lot of guys have been gooned. You love that word, dude. Yeah, gooning... It's a jiu-jitsu word. There's certain techniques you do like this. You know what's funny is it just totally defines what it is. The second he says it, I know what that is. He just had no respect for my style, walked through all my pussy kicks and hits and just fucking grabbed my nostril. All right, all right, all right. Do you watch Game of Thrones? My wife would just refuse to get into it. Do you remember the mountain? I just didn't watch it. The mountain grabbed that guy's head and he crushed it. He gooned him. He grabbed his head and he just smashed his head with his hands. The only one I saw was when that little shit king didn't like this song this guy sang and he fucking goes, all right, rip his tongue out. I was just like, what? Who the fuck would listen to this little shit? To this guy. See, he slips. The guy gets on top of him, grabs him and he just fucking goons him. He grabs his head and he fucking goons him. Boom. Smash. What the fuck? That guy is fucking gigantic too. Look, she's upset. Meanwhile, the other guy was killing the other guy. You know what I love? What I love is they were watching a fight to the death, but they've never seen it done like that. There's always that level of gross out. It's like working your way through porn where you just start off with the basics and all of a sudden you just go into darker and darker rooms. That's the same thing when watching people's fucking get hurt. Yeah, right? Like torturing someone to death is more terrifying to people than just shooting them from a distance as a sniper. Yeah, you could watch that. People who fucking ... The fact that human beings understand pain and then they inflict it slowly on other people is the most fucking animalistic part. Every time I hear that shit, that people literally torture another human being. How you go home at the end of the day thinking you did something good is just fucking out of ... I just got to get information out of people, Bill Burr. There's some people out there that know things. You got to find out what they know and the best way to do it is to cut their fingers off. Well, haven't they proved that when you start to cut ... Just to tell someone to cut your finger off, they will tell you whatever the fuck you want. I would. Yeah, but sometimes they won't. Sometimes they'll tell you some fake shit. How many fingers in do you think you're getting the real stuff? Probably nine. Probably nine. When they think about that last finger that they need to open up their iPhone, like, all right. Or just open the refrigerator drawer. I'll tell you. Door with one finger. I want to still be able to finger somebody. What can you do? Yeah, I don't know. It's a ... Look, what are war crimes? How about that? How about you're not allowed to do certain things, you're not allowed to gas people, but you're allowed to drop a nuclear bomb on them? You're allowed to do that? It shouldn't be ... Like war at this point, it shouldn't be legal. War should be illegal. Yeah. So what do you do when someone attacks? Just give them what you shit? No, no, no. I'm just saying that we should be progressed enough. We should be, yeah. The problem is the rest of the world ... Common people. Common people, right. But we're not exactly civilized. I don't think anybody's ... I think going to war, it's not a civil fucking thought. It would be great if everybody ... Because you need regular people to do it. So if everybody was just like, yeah, we're not doing it. If you rich guys want to go to war, you guys go fight each other to death, but we'll fucking watch it on pit. That would be the ultimate, but there's a complete lack of trust with different countries, different cultures, different races, and all that. But if you could somehow get everybody on the same page to be just like, yeah, we're not doing that anymore. So you guys find out a different way to fucking take over the world or something. But that could never happen. You can't ... I mean, Jesus Christ. You couldn't even tell? Do you ever watch The Apprentice and you watch them try to fucking get Vince Neil and the Culture Club guy? They can't even get on the same page. Celebrity Apprentice? I didn't watch it. Yeah. I never watched it. They can't get on the same fucking page to write a song. So there's no way you're ever going to end war right there? They asked me to do that show, Celebrity Apprentice, back when Fear Factor came back years ago, and I was thinking about doing it, and I'm so glad I didn't do it now. Because what if, like me and Trump didn't get along? What if he thought I was a cunt, and now I became president? I was like, shit. Now that I'm fucking enemies with the president, imagine that? Like Rosie O'Donnell right now, she probably barely leaves her house. She's probably just sitting home going, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. You mean he had audited or something? Well, she used to shit on him constantly, and then he started shitting on her, and they would go to war with each other. She was on The View, and she would shit on him and make fun of his hair, and make fun of him, and make fun of his life, and his family, and then he became fucking president. And then in the debates, he was mocking her in the debates. Like she was, because Clinton said something about the things that he says about women, which I always have a real fucking problem with. You know, because she was like, you know, you've called women this, and you've called women that. Like, okay, he's called people that, and some of those people happen to be women. He's also called men that, and that's one of the things that he said. Well, I didn't understand one of the things that he said when he said she's a nasty woman, why they latched on, like he was attacking all women. She is a woman, and he's saying that she's nasty. If you said he's a nasty man, or he's not a good man, or whatever. Exactly. Exactly. It became this thing where women, like you're not supposed to mock women, make fun of women. Like are we equal or are we not? Because if we're equal, I should be able to shit on you the way I shit on everybody if I don't like your character. You know what was a bad move? Was that t-shirt that was, the future is feminine. What's that? It was just this thing that these women were wearing it when I went down to go vote, and it's just like, you are so fucking- You're making people not want to vote for Clinton. Yes. Yeah. It should be the future is like some sort of unity. Right. Everyone is like, oh, the future is we're going to fucking now do to you what we've been complaining about. We're just going to be ... So then- Right. Then you lose any sort of feeling of like, oh, this person's a victim, or like this person's a good person. I said, oh, what you are is a complete fucking psycho who just hasn't got to sit at the controls yet. Exactly. And now you want to be that, and then you're going to ram it down everybody's throats. It's just like, there needs to be ... It's why I can't watch CNN or Fox because I can't just sit there and listen. I mean, as much as I rant and rave, which is fucking pretty ironic, I can't sit there and listen to people screaming and yelling at each other because they don't want to come together. They don't want to find what's right. They just want to win. They have a side. Yeah. They have a side and they don't look at the other side. Yeah. I wear a red tie, so I argue the red tie shit. You got a blue tie, so you argue that. It's fucking childish. Hashtag on with her. Yeah, the I'm with her thing was driving me fucking crazy too. What do you mean you're with her? Is just her? Is it about a woman? Or is it about who's the right person to run the fucking country? Because it's not her. Are you a Democratic? Yeah, and I thought those fucking CNN, you see that they kind of fucking boxed out Bernie Sanders and that. Exactly. It was almost like a fight and he might have been a better matchup. Who knows? He was a way better matchup. He wasn't compromised. If you want to talk about someone who's financially compromised, he wasn't compromised. He was like maybe the only guy ever running for president that wasn't completely tied into the financial system. They can always find shit on you. Be like, well, he was absent this. He didn't vote for that. I love when they try to get him on, they didn't vote for this or they didn't vote for that. It's just like, well, what was fucking attached to it? I don't get why that's legal. It's like, hey, you want clean drinking water for children? He voted no against that. Then you see what is attached to it. It's like, oh yeah, they're going to start fracking next to a fucking hospital or whatever. I don't know. The CNN-Fox divide, the left and the right divide has never been greater in this country than right now. There's no one objective news source. There's not one source that just tells you what's going on and doesn't do it from a bias perspective. It's left or right. I think that divide only exists between the people that watch that shit. It's kind of like people like, do you watch the UFC? Do you not watch the UFC? If you watch the UFC, you're fucking into the shit. I think there's just news junkies out there that just mainline that shit. They're the ones where that divide is like that. Someone like myself, I can listen to somebody. I try to anyways. Whatever your point of view is, I try to listen to it because I try to keep that shit out of my head because it gives me anxiety. I can't fucking watch it. I can't watch it. My mother was watching ... Last time I went home, my mother was watching this kid's thing. We got little nephews and nieces. I literally couldn't even get through the fucking kid's movie because towards the end, they just kept putting these obstacles and the fucking anxiety it just built on me. I'm not built like that. I can't handle it. Just literally watching a kid's movie, watching this thing going like, can you just get him to the end where he gets the fucking thing and you roll the credits and it's fine? Can you stop having like, oh, and then the little robot almost falls into the trash bin? I know he's not gonna, but I can't even handle that. There's no fucking way I'm going to sit there watching the news. I hope that people like you are the future. I hope that we realize that this fucking left versus right thing is stupid, but people love to be on a team. They love it. They love to be on our side as winning and your side can go fuck themselves and they love to win. We won. How many people did you see on Twitter that's like, we won, get over it, we won? I saw a lot of that. A lot of we won. The left can't handle it. We won. MAGA. What is MAGA mean? America great again. Hashtag MAGA. Hey, you know, people have a right to tweet. What are you gonna do? Oh yeah, they definitely do. It's interesting. We're working it out. I think we're working it out as a civilization. That's what I think. You know, Ike had a little bit of faith to you came in with the cameras in the grains of sand. That's future. It's going to take some time. That's going to take about 50 years. I'm going to buy a fucking leaf blower. Just walk around. Just fucking walking down the street with a thing. But meanwhile, they'll have video footage of you because you won't be able to get all the grains. They'll be everywhere. They'll literally be covering the surface of this planet like dirt, little tiny cameras. There's got to be a thing that I always thought like, I don't know if I read about this because I always late night, I fucking go on the internet and as I fall asleep. So I can't remember if this is my idea, somebody came up with it. It would be really cool for like, say if you're like at some level of celebrity where everybody's always taking a picture of you. If you could wear a suit that anticipated the camera flash and as their cameras flashed, you would flash back at them and then they couldn't get anything. And then you could just sit there eating your soup as everybody's taking pictures of you and they would all go back to the developing room or whatever the fuck they do, look into their cameras and not understand what was going on. I just feel like a UFO landed in front of them. Yeah, there has to be a way like, I feel like future money is encountering all that. There it is, anti-Paparazzi clothes. It's a blazer. I do always too stupid to come up with that. How does it not capture it? How does it? 3M reflection stuff. It's on like a lot of shoes and some other clothes. All they have to do is turn their flash off though. Well, then it's in the dark and you can't see the people, which is the opposite reason of taking the photos. But does it work? Yeah, I'll show, I'll get a better photo. This was just an article. I knew I was too dumb to come up with that. So they're wearing hoods that stop. Like, you won't be able to see their face or anything. You can just see the clothes. Which is not really the reason they want to take your photo. Hmm. I mean, it probably kind of works. Yeah, but you can see where that guy is. There might be a way to get around it I'm sure, but for now... That's screech. Those new cameras that they have now are so good on camera phones, are so good in low light, you don't even need that anymore. You just take a photo of it. I mean, they can capture incredible images in pretty low light with the iPhone 7. All those TMZ guys aren't using iPhone for this, so for a reason. Oh, okay. Right. Strange times comes with privacy. Slowly but surely it's all going away. We're taking collars. Where are you going to move, Bill? The mountains? No, no, no. I'm not fighting any of this shit. I'm just going to hang out. Just look at it, disappointed. Why do we have to do this? Come on, guys. Let's just go back to playing checkers and Whittling Wood. It's not going to happen. We're going to keep going forward. I'm a little nervous about it. Let's get out of this. Come on. I got the rest of the day ahead of me, man. I can't go down this rabbit hole. It's all good. It's all good. You going to be fine? Tell Jokes Strickland. Especially now when you have a little tiny baby that just happened. I tell Jokes Strickland. Yeah, she's the best. She's the best. What's her future going to be like when it comes to this shit? That's what's bizarre. What are our kids going to have to deal with 50 years from now? Kind of a bizarre integration. They'll deal with it. They'll deal with it. They will. They'll find their fun and they'll be happy and we'll be gone. Try not to be a cunt. I don't know what to tell you. All I know is I got a special coming out. That's right. Spin it around. Bill Barrett's out right now. That's like special. It's out right now and I'm very proud of it. I like the look of it, the whole thing. I like the jokes that I did on it. I hope people feel the same way because I'd like to continue my privileged life here. This one's black and white. No. The last one's black and white. This one's color rather. Yeah. Each one I do, I have a look that I'm going for the same way I try to improve as a comedian, each time as a little bit of a different thing. I've always felt that we went through this horrible period of standup specials where they didn't ... It was just a complete lack of respect for the art form. It's just an amazing thing that one guy or woman can go out there and just talk into a microphone and people will fucking listen to it for like, I don't know, an hour or so. They just started shooting it. Everybody's looked the same and all of that. What did you do for this look? Well, I'm not going to give you all my tricks, but what I was going for in this one, although that's a shitty image of it on this thing, but there was a few concert films that I like to look up. I always try to fuck with the HD a little bit because it's clearer than real life, so I try to tone it down a little bit. You gave yourself a little Instagram filter, like those Snapchat girls do. Yeah, I guess you could say that. Not like a Snapchat thing, just making it not look like I'm standing in a tropical fish tank and a clown fish is going to swim. It's just like when you look at HD, it's just fucking like, oh my God, look how fucking white that t-shirt is. And you get distracted. I think it makes it not look real, whereas if you look at ... I don't know, it's just something like I would look at old concert films, I'd look at old stand up and be like, why does this look like this really happened and why does all this shit now look so fake? And a lot of it was just too fucking clear and it was also like edit, edit, edit, edit, edit, as it was going through and it makes your brain reset. Rather than drawing people in, you're giving them like an epileptic episode. I did my last special almost entirely from the waist up with no edits, very few edits. The only time I edit is when I wanted to show a side shot or when I want to show my whole body. That's it. I tried to do it. Me just watching, just like you would if you're sitting in the crowd at a comedy show. They always want to show the audience, they always want to show this and cut back and forth. I'm like every time you do that, you make a person realize that they're watching a film. No, their brain resets too. You were just drawing them in, they were into your shit. When somebody watches you do a show, you're not all of a sudden up in the balcony or turning around or swooping in. You got to have a little bit of that because it does have to be sort of like a concert film but it's all how you pick those items. When you're doing stand up and you're also doing efforts for family, we had this conversation the other day at the store where you're talking about how it just kind of swoops in and takes all your time. During the heavy writing part of it. How much time do you spend doing that show, efforts for family, which by the way is fucking awesome. I love that show. Oh, thank you. It's hilarious. It's coming out again in May. How many episodes do you do at a time? Well, this time we did 10. They gave us six the first season. They gave us six because they think they were like, what the fuck do you guys want to do? And then they saw it and then they liked it. That's what I'm guessing because it was a weird order. It was like a half order. Now we're doing 10. That comes out in May. I just realized the math didn't work out on that because it gave me six and I said it was a half order. But they used to do 12 but then they whittled everybody down to 10. When you write that, how far in advance do you start before you ... Because it takes a while to put it together and to film it. We're mapping out the third ... If we get a third season because it's weird. You just put it all out at once. We have to see hopefully the people that watched it the first time come back again and then more people come. As far as how that works is ... It's the war room to do a season is you map out the season and you really have to work all the bugs out of it. That's the time when you're like, are we going to go big here? Are we going to have this more grounded? Is this going to happen? Is that going to happen? Really work out the big emotional moments in the storylines before you get in there. As you start to write and there's 10 people in the room and the ideas are flowing, you can veer off, which can be a good thing. It's not like it's set in stone like this is what we're writing. You just know we're going from point A to point B, then B to C. Then how you get there is the art of writing it. You just want to make sure that all of a sudden you don't go to A over to C and then blah, blah, blah. If you've got B, we've got to go back to this. How do we correct all of this? Depending on the type of show that you do, like ours, I like to try to keep it grounded in a certain level of reality, but also take advantage that it is animation so you can get a little absurd. There's just a balance of that. It's like a fucking recipe. All right, there's too much salt here. We've got to do a little bit more of this. This is the first time I've gone this far with anything. Now I learned a lot in this second season about that. We're really hammering out this third season. I don't know, but I'm a total newbie at this shit. Had you ever written anything before like that? No, I think I actually could be a decent writer. I just don't want to do it because it's so much fucking work. I just don't want to just sit down, write this whole fucking thing, send it to a studio and then be like, change this, change that, do this, but long go all the way back to the beginning. If I didn't have ... Because I always have a thing in my head, I was like, or I could just go do a fucking stand up gig and do it in real time and it's done. I have money for my fucking ham sandwiches for a month. Why do I want to ... Because how hard writers work, it's fucking unbelievable. The level that ... How hard that those people work versus the fucking credit that they get and shit. I have such a level of respect that I've talked to some people and they're like, hey, you want to write a movie script or something like that? Which I guess I know I could do it, but it's just like, I'm going to write a movie script and do the efforts for family and fucking do stand up and try to have my special be better than my last special. That alone is going to take up so much time. Then now I'm going to be married and be a dad. There's only so many fucking hours in the day. Then when would I get to play drums? Do I want to fucking also add that? If you don't play drums, then you start going a little wacky. Yeah, and there'll be a dick around my wife and kids. I'm that way with martial arts if I don't do something, some kind of workout. If someone says, well, just don't work out for a few weeks. That's not even on the menu. I can't do it. It's almost like I have to brush my teeth, I have to work out, I have to maintain a balance. If I don't have that balance, I don't like me. It's weird because it's just a hobby, but I'm literally obsessed with it. I've watched all these drum videos, drum covers. I watch all of this shit. I know you talk about it all the time. Your ball's deep. Yeah. It's like I think people need things like that. It's harmless. It's fucking harmless. It's a fun thing to do. Yeah, it keeps me. You got to have something you're looking forward to as hard as you're working. I got some road gigs coming up and I am so fucking excited to get because right after I did that special, I think I did Comics Come Home for Larry and that's about the only road ... I haven't been to LAX since November, which is crazy for me. Wow. I'm chomping at the bit to get out there and last night I tried to do an hour, man. I was just like, oh God. I was just like with all the new shit. Where'd you go last night? I was down in Largo. I'm going to be at the Ice House Friday night. You're at the Ice House tomorrow too with me. Yeah, yeah. I'll be down there. I just got to- The Ice House is the best. I know all the points I want to talk about and so I just have to start talking about them. I have to go out there. I'm going out and doing some club dates and I'm bringing some really funny guys in front of me. Who are you bringing? Paul Verzi, Joe Bartnick. Who else? I got Dean Del Rey up in one of ... We do San Jose. The whole thing was waiting for the kid to come and then she showed up and now that that's done, now it's just like, I got to get out there, dude. I got to get out there. So you're doing theater gigs? Are you doing club gigs? No, I'm just doing clubs. I'm working out an hour. I have to talk in front of an hour, but I'm not going to make people deal with all of that bullshit to watch me work some shit out. Where are you going to San Jose? Are you doing the improv? Yeah. That's a great club. Yeah, so I'm going to do a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. It's sort of an off night kind of thing. I always feel like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, people are more forgiving. People are Friday, Saturday, people are like, I want a show. So I'm doing a lot of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesdays. I've told people that I'm working my shit out. Taking prices aren't that bad. It's fun to see too. I love watching people work shit out. But I'm not one of those people that is working to get off the road. I fucking love the road. I love doing the road and I go to games and shit. I'm going to go to Carolina Duke game when I'm out there, which is fucking legendary shit. That's like a bucket list sporting event. Whatever sport you're into is to go there and just experience that level of passion and hysteria for college basketball. It's an overused word, but it is a basketball mecca. So that's part of your fun for the road. You see a day game, the night you do the gig. Yeah, and as far as drumming, there's rehearsal spaces that I know of. It's the shit because I'm not in town, so I don't have any responsibility. I just go in with my iPhone and all my music, put the fucking headphones on and just fucking go nuts for two hours, rather than I guess doing the treadmill, which I probably should do more of. But I just do that and it's the greatest thing ever. So if I go to someplace and they have enough time, I'll ask people in my podcast, hey, if you have a good rehearsal space, because there's good ones and bad ones, the fucking worst ones as you go there and the drum kits, they're not fucking tuned, they get old heads and then everything's been overtorked and you got to fucking take the sticks to try to get them, they get all frozen up. The only thing that a lot of people that get bummed out about the road is because they have to do the road. One of the beautiful things about you, you don't have to do the road. You like to do the road. I remember one of the things that used to really bum me out when I would do clubs, they would tell me that Richard Jennings was just in town. He fucking hated, he hates being on the road. He was grumpy, he just hated doing stand up because he always wanted to have a sitcom. He always wanted to be like the next Seinfeld and it didn't happen for him, so he was miserable. But meanwhile, to me, he was like one of my idols. I was like, this guy's like one of the greatest comics ever and he doesn't like doing it. This is all I wanted to do. I'd show up at a club and they'd be like, I can't believe I'm headlining. I'm here, I'm doing it. And they'd say, yeah, Richard's so nice that someone's actually having a good time. Richard Jennings was here last week and he's so bummed out. But you never know that let's scuttle butt in the club. He could have just been in a bad mood and was a cunt that week. Then all of a sudden, the fact that he's not here to defend whether he liked it. The level that that guy wrote and the specials that he wrote, he had to have enjoyed it. He enjoyed some of it, but I was friends with his ex-girlfriend and she was telling me that that was really the case. He just didn't. I'm not trying to hope. I know. I admit that you wouldn't have confirmed that. Yeah, I know. Well, I think back then that was the carrot though. The carrot was always the sitcom. It was like that was what everybody went for. And if you didn't get that, you felt bummed out. Whereas somewhere along the line, we realized that's not necessarily true. You're better off without the sitcom. You're better off just being a big name standup comic and having a good time. You write your own shit. You don't have to deal with producers. But when he came up, you had to be given a special. You couldn't just do it. And then also the network money was crazy. And if you could get to syndication, you were set for life. For life. There's syndication shit now. When Netflix, there is no syndication. It's automatically syndicated. Well, I was on two shows that went to syndication. It's not the same. It's not what everybody thinks it is. If you're one of the owners of the show, it's big time. But I was at News Radio's in syndication. Don't get me wrong. I got a lot of money from it, but it wasn't like Seinfeld money. But it goes down to like $7 checks really quickly. Like however that fucking math works out. I had a thing with my buddies. Like you just take pictures of residual checks like trying to beat each other. And two of my friends got the one cent. They got one cent. Within a month. Jesus. Because I didn't think that exists because I got a lot of like $1.17. I got a friend of mine. I'm not going to say the name of the fucking movie, but like it's a big time fucking movie and everybody loves it. They showed it one time on a network for 24 hours straight and he got played for one playing. Because they go, oh it was just one day, but they sold advertising for 24 fucking hours. How can they do that? How can they do that? Because they just do it and then they sit back and wait for you to sue them. Is this going to be worth it to you to go through that? So like- Because it's only probably 20 bucks anyway. Well, what I learned unfortunately is just like the number one commandment of the 10 commandments that the number one that's broken, I think is stealing. It's just, and as far as stealing is, you basically have the illegal side of stealing and the legal side of stealing. So any smart criminal is trying to make his business legit. So he doesn't have to hide his fucking money anymore, but he can continue to just rob people fucking blind. Because that's basically what happens is everybody just like, I mean some of the deals that I've signed for shit like, okay, if you audit us, but we're only off by like 3%, then you have to pay for the audit. And it's like, you literally just built into this deal a license to steal- 3%. Plus what I have to catch you with. So you have to steal 9% to basically skim like whatever, 9% off of this fucking thing. And they go to sleep at night and they feel they're good people and they don't give a fuck that they're driving a car that a bunch of other people paid for and they took the money. That's shit. Yeah, legal loopholes, legal loopholes and fine print. Yeah, it's a dirty world. It's dirty world over. Yeah, that's why as far as Trump not reporting his taxes and all that type of shit, it's like you can only get so mad where it's like, all right, so because he figured out the game where he's kind of like, well, I'm just robbing from thieves. Like that whole fucking bull- politicians are so underpaid, they need all these guys' money to get in there. And then when they get in there, they got to hook them up and they give them these governmental contracts and the fact that they're allowed to just fucking overcharge like the level they do is just this stealing. So you're giving you like, like I have no problem paying taxes. What fucking drives me up the wall is knowing that like the amount of money, like say you give them fucking 50 grand, like the amount of that money that's actually going to go for the supplies to make a school better, to feel like a fucking pothole, and then the amount that's just going to go into this guy's, I want a shiny watch. My wife needs fake tits fund on the side. That's what eats me up at night. Because I, you know. Yeah. Did you see what Trump did where he's filed for a reelection five hours after he took office? No one's ever done that before. Everybody files for reelection like a year out from the reelection. He filed for reelection five hours after office. That means when anybody addresses him in any sort of a campaign ad, they have to address him as if they're running against him. To anything, because he's already running for president again. He's running for president in 2008. So he's essentially changed the way they have to address him. You don't say Mr. President? No, I don't know how it works. But Mr. President, president. Pull it up and we'll be able to figure out what it means. Figure out what the... Hey, the guy, he's organized. Say what you want about him. The man is organized. Oh, he's definitely organized. He's been just juking and fucking shucking and jiving in business for a long fucking time. And he knows how to get his name on things. Everywhere you go, there's some giant building that's gold and it says Trump on it. Yeah, I think we're going to be all right. We'll be all right. You think so? Well, yeah. I mean, if he's going to... The amount of people he's already fucking annoyed, you figure the midterm elections come two years in. He's got his shit where he's going to sprint for fucking two years. And then I think everybody else is just going to vote for fucking blue ties and blue bras in the fucking next one. Right? Do you think so? Yes. I mean, that's what always happens. After fucking eight years of Clinton, then it went red, and then eight years of Bush, this will make it better. Let's go over to Obama. Right. That's what we do. And after eight years of Obama, let's go back over to fucking... Let's go back over to the red side. I think we would like to see someone who is more in the middle of things, though. We would really like to see someone who has more maybe libertarian values or someone who's more just not clearly right or clearly left. Somebody a little more secure. His insecurity is what scares me the most. Like tweeting? No, that shit he said about his daughter and everybody, oh, that was some weird sexual thing. He's so fucking insecure that people are going to think his daughter is not good looking that he says what he wants people to say. And he wasn't thinking like context. Oh yeah, I date her. She's the greatest out of the world. Everything he says, it's like the same cadence. It's the same three things. He gets like he fucking has time to watch SNL or if somebody like on an award show. Why are you watching the Golden Globes? What do you give a fuck what- Meryl Streep says. Phoebe, who gives a fuck says, you're the leader of the free world, man. Not good enough. Yeah, look out to the ocean and see what's coming at us, man. He wants to be loved across the board by everybody. Yeah, I don't know what it is. What's funny is, but I find him fascinated as far as like the way he, if you want to be loved to behave the way he does. And really just have that, my way or the highway, just ram it down your throat, shut the fuck up. It's just this weird, it's weird that you could have that personality and still want to be liked. It's just like, dude, do you enjoy being treated like that? Then why would you treat other people this way? I don't know. I don't know. His- It's a ram it down their throat. His approach is a, you know, like those stupid Hollywood movies where somebody grabs a two by four, we're going to clean this town up. It's just like, he's going to hurt a lot of people because a lot of innocent people are going to get caught up in the wash of a very simplistic solution to a huge problem. Let's get rid of all of them. Like, I don't know, but I'm just a comedian. I don't have the fucking answers. I just wish, like, I don't know. What is this? Jamie, what are you pulling up here? This is about why the things that are brought up when filing early. So there's different things. A candidate for president is subject to different rules than a president is afforded different protections. This has critics on edge and already existing concerns about Trump's business entanglements are now heightened by fears that US nationals could funnel cash to Trump through his campaign committee. Trump status as a candidate could also make it difficult for nonprofit organizations to take actions for or against Trump and his administration's policies. Tax exemption organizations have leeway for political action, have more leeway for political action than other nonprofits, but are still prohibited from certain political actions, meaning some to worry that Trump's filings could be a tactic to reduce opposition. Hmm. Yeah, which because that's legal, that's a great move. It doesn't, considering what he's done so far, it doesn't make you feel comfortable. I don't know, but we'll survive it. We'll survive it anyways. What are you gonna do? It's too fucking depressed. I just can't you just have somebody fucking level headed? Who did you want to win? Oh, God, I liked Bernie Sanders, but I didn't like. I didn't like his entire demonization of anybody who had money was automatic. It just was just so simple. And then everybody who was broke was a fucking hero. It was just cartoon. People are way more complex than that. And I don't know, dude, to be honest with you, it's too fucking big. I just knew that I didn't like Hillary or I didn't like Trump. And I was praying to God that those weren't gonna be my two ... It was just like two trains fucking on the same track just going, please, don't be those. Don't leave me with these two. Could you just fucking not ... What did you not like about Hillary? I just didn't think she was ... I didn't trust her. I just thought she was a big time phony. And I just felt like she would just fucking do or say, I didn't like the fucking 2008 that she blew the bankers. Don't worry, I got you guys. Just completely doesn't give a fuck about all the people that are upside down in their houses. And then has the nerve to act like she's the people's candidate, which is really a sticking point with me with Democrats is they fucking sit there and they act like they're men and women are the people. And it's like, you guys are all filthy fucking stinking rich too. You guys all end up being multimillionaires. And the most highest paying fucking job you can get is the president, which pays 500 grand a fucking year. So you're over 250 grand a year, which means you're gonna get the shit taxed out of you. So how the fuck did you end up being worth 40, 50, $100 million? There's no way what you're doing is above board. Every politician crushes it in the private sector. It's insane. Everyone goes fucking yard. Nobody starts a business and it shits the bed. They say the percentage of senators and they make like, I don't know, like 200 grand a year or something. I forget what it is. And the amount of them that are multimillionaires. Yeah, the most disturbing thing is public speaking. When you find out that she's speaking for the bankers and she's doing these $250,000 hour long speeches. And they're washing their bribe money. It's the people that paid you to get in there. You did what they wanted them to do. And then you're like a comedian. You get to do your college tour and they grossly fucking over. I used to do a bit about it. You're giving a speech, they're not even listening. They're sitting there eating like a fucking deep fried eagle. Not even giving a fuck. It's so overt. It's almost like the serial killer that wants to get caught. So I just felt like she was just gonna be more the same of that preaching this fucking rhetoric as they just keep deregulating shit. And Trump, I feel like what he wants to do aside from, I just think he's at the level rich that he finds the government a nuisance and he wants to deregulate everything. So by the time he leaves, he can put a golf course on top of a pipeline on a fucking- Indian reservation. Yeah, Indian reservation, like a Native American reservation. I feel like that's what his goals are beyond the bullshit that he's saying. I think he's going in there and he finally gets to adjust the whole mixer. How the fuck he wants it. But here's the thing, he had to win the presidency to do it and the fucking guy did it. And I have to say, the storm watching that guy that he weathered was amazing. Yeah, it is. And that people were so clearly... All those fucking late night shows hated the guy. They were basically campaigning against him. You're old enough now that you saw, you've seen in our lifetime people going from who you voted for was really like, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, you're getting too personal to now just people totally overtly... I don't know. There's so much hypocritical shit and I'm part of it too, but I love when people are like, oh, you know, like I was saying it too, the fucking celebrity apprentice, the host of that is now president. But then yet you're watching the Democrat and the Republican National Conventions and there's comedians and actors speaking at them. So it's like, well, what the fuck? It's kind of all just... Yeah. Well, it's always been a real... The president does late night talk shows and the people running for it fucking do sketches now on SNL. Like the whole thing has just become like this orgy cluster fuck. Well, it's a popularity contest and now they got a person who's actually popular who won it. I mean, that's really what it is. All these people that before, like before Obama ran for office, nobody knew who the fuck he was. He wasn't a popular person. What Donald Trump's managed to do is become a popular guy who won the popularity contest. He was already popular. He was already a huge figure in American culture for decades. Everybody knew who he was. So he's the first guy ever to do it like that. And that was the thing they were saying about Arnold, that if Arnold, if there wasn't those rules that were in place to keep Arnold from running for president because he was born in Austria, that he could have done it. Right. You know what I mean? And it's kind of the same thing. The changing in politics was when Clinton played the saxophone on our Cineo Hall. That was like the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show for politicians going like, wait a minute. I don't have to fucking talk policy. I just have to do something cool. He had the sunglasses on and everybody's like, this guy's cool, man. Yeah, he was one of the first. That's right. He had those Ray-Bans on like fucking Tom Cruise. He had those Wayfarers. Yeah. And he made George Sr., a fucking war hero, become a one-term president. Yeah. Well, that was also a little bit of Ron Paul. Not Ron Paul. Ross Perot. Ross Perot. Yeah. Ross Perot kind of threw the monkey wrench into the gears in that election. Remember that? That's one of the craziest guys. He took fucking full half hour and hour long spots on television. Just bought the TV station. Just bought NBC for an hour and explained the tax problem in this country and explained where your money goes. He made more sense than either one of them. Than Bush or Clinton did. But the thing is you can't get people to vote for them because they worry that they're throwing their vote away. I don't believe that. I think you're encouraging more people like that. Well, you remember what happened with him. He pulled out of the election. What happened to this dude? He pulled out of the election. How did it go down this fucking road? I know. You're right. You're right. We should stop. It's becoming like meet the press with two people who ... It's depressing. Well, it is. Depressing, we don't know shit. Yeah. We really half ass know what we're talking about. So I'm going to somehow try to go on the road and not talk about this shit because I think people are sick of it, which really fucking kills me trying to promote my specials. We just went down the rabbit hole for a fucking half hour. I'm going to try to get away from it because I think people are going to need a break. They definitely need a break. You could see it in their face when someone brings up Trump on stage. You could see it. Unless you have a really unique point of view or you're just being silly about the whole thing. I've seen people take that hard left stance on stage and it's just depressing. Men's March material, got any of that? No. I did it last night on Conan. I just burned it. Did you? I made fun of ... I was making fun of Madonna. Just saying how great she is at self-promotion, how she was working her back catalog. She was only hit songs and she wore a beret. Like, ooh, I'm protesting. So I just started doing shit like, he wants to put a wall up between here and Mexico. In my world, there are no borders. Borderline. It's like, I'm going. You can download this on iTunes. I don't know. I like when people do shit. Because I'm full of shit. So I like hypocritical behavior. But I'm excited to get back out on the road and I hope people see my special. I'm going to have to bounce out of here because I got to get my affairs in order now that I'm a dad. You've got affairs. Yeah, get my affairs in order. Don't leave here without taking some elk. I got some elk for you. Oh, great. Absolutely. And when are you going to take me on a helicopter ride? We've got to do that. Dude, I haven't flown since the beginning of November. So I got to, I can do, let's do a gig somewhere and we'll fly. All right. All right, but I'm bringing an instructor though. Okay. I'm not taking out the great Joe Rummy. Yeah, don't kill me. Yeah, no, I'll bring an instructor. We'll go fly up there. And it was great. We'll go up in the 44. Let's do a weird gig like Bakersfield or something. Oh, yeah. Bakersfield's great. Yeah. Do you do Bakersfield? Yeah. I flew up to Bakersfield. That's fucking, that's it. Let's lock someone in. Let's do it. All right, I'll pick you up at Burbank. Let's do it. We'll just fucking take, you want to do that? Yes. Let's fucking do that. Yeah, let's book something, man. Good, because I don't feel like I got a strong hour right now. I'm opening. Beautiful. Let's do it. Where's your hour at right now? I'm 40 plus minutes strong and then I can bullshit for half an hour on top of that. We'll do the walking wounded show. Perfect. We'll fly up. Dude, it'll be the shit. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. Okay, cool. That's a done deal. All right, see, we got out of politics. We did it. We got out of politics. I'm sorry. I'm not bringing this up anymore, ladies and gentlemen. I just wanted to see if you had a take on it that was different than my take. I'm as tired of it as you are. Gary Vaynerchuk tonight, 8 p.m. That'll be the next podcast and we'll see you tomorrow. It's depressing, but as individuals, we can be respectful to one another. Yes. Try to be a better person. Yes. All right? We're ending on a positive note, ladies and gentlemen. There we go. And then tomorrow, Alex Jones, episode 9-11. See you. All right, keep going. I'm going to do this shit. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do this one.