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Joe List is a stand-up comic and co-host, along with Mark Normand, of the "Tuesdays with Stories!" podcast. His latest special, "Enough for Everybody," is now available on YouTube.www.comedianjoelist.com
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So what happens? You got accosted last night? Oh we're in it. This is just going. Yeah. Yeah, so good to be here. Thanks for having me. Good to have you. Good to have you. Yeah, so we're here. Do you need booze? No, I don't drink, but I appreciate the offer. Do you want heroin? Heroin would good, yeah. I'm still doing heroin. That's always like the hackiest joke. I don't drink, but I want to buy heroin. It's like you always go, like if someone says they don't drink, you go with something way more preposterous than drinking. Like oh, I'm sober. Right. The other one is quitter. Crack. Well, people say quitter. That's like a big one to do. Yeah, it's a big one. But no, I appreciate the offer though. I mean, this cigar I might enjoy. Want a cigar? Sure, maybe. I got a cigar. Yeah, I'm on an empty stomach, so it might make me more jittery than I already am. We'll give it a little few minutes. I'm a big cunt. Settle in. No you're not. You're fine. Well, wait until I tell this story. Okay. Okay. So yeah, we're here in Austin, and I got a ride. A lift to the hotel. I'm staying downtown, and we were coming up 6th Street, which I don't know if you've been down there. It's changed a bit. It's like kind of overrun with street folk, homeless people. Yes, there's quite a few of the... They call them unhoused. That's the new, more politically correct term. Sure. I thought street people was good, but maybe that's bad. I think street people's... I don't know. I don't think they like that. I don't know if there's like a homeless board. Talk about the vernacular that they appreciate. Yeah, all right. Well, unhoused people that seem unwell, and they're kind of everywhere, which evidently they just passed a law, but it hasn't been enforced. Well, the law is only about camping. Okay. I mean, you can't stop people from walking around. Right. So there's always going to be an issue. And one of the clubs downtown is Vulcan Gas Company, and that place is right catty corner to a homeless shelter. So they're all over the place in that area. That's where I think I was, on 7th, right? Is that 7th Street? I think Vulcan is on 6th. Is it on? Yeah, but the shelter was on 7th. The shelter's on 7th? Yeah, I think you're right. Okay. Well, so... In that area. So we drove down the street, and the guy was kind of saying, you know, they've taken over. It's scary. Be careful. What if driver's sentence? Yeah. So I'm like, well, he was like a driver driver. So I'm already in my head. And then I asked the lady, I was like, is it safe walking around here now? It feels like it's changed a bit. And she was like, just avoid 6th Street. And I was like, all right, got it. And then I was like, I'm going to go to the creek, do a spot, texted Rebecca, and it's like an eight minute walk. So I was like, I'll walk there. Now I'm a huge pussy anxiety, the whole thing. Although I have been doing mixed martial arts, but we can get to that later. But so I was walking up the street and I'm like, all right, so far, so good. And then I started to get closer and I saw these two guys walking towards me and they seemed like, you know, ne'er do wells. Just by the way they were presenting themselves. And then there was a guy on a bicycle, like a BMX style bike, who kind of was with them and then rode ahead and kind of did like a loop behind me. So then I was like, all right, this feels unsafe. So I kind of just moved to the street, like off the sidewalk, but still right next to the sidewalk. And then the two guys as they pass were like, look at this motherfucker, this racist ass motherfucker moving into the street, this white guy, this. And it seemed... You were racist because you moved into the street? I think because I moved into the street, but that's not what I was... I wasn't like, oh, here come black guys, let me move up. But they were walking up the sidewalk. So I just was moving, so I didn't have like a... And a moment where you had to zig or zag, move left or right. Exactly. So I stepped off the sidewalk and he kind of called that out. And then as we passed each other, I could still hear him kind of like mumbling. They seemed like they were fucked up, but so they were still kind of mumbling. And then I came to the intersection, which is where I guess that homeless shelter is. And there was like 40 homeless people, not like sleeping in tents or on the sidewalk, like fighting, yelling, bottle smashing. And I was just like, I don't feel like walking through that. That doesn't seem great. So then I looked to the right with Sixth Street where the lady was like, yeah, stay off of Sixth Street. And then this is all in front of an empty parking lot. So there's just nobody around. It's dark. And I'm like, if I go left, I'm going up dark street sidewalk. So then I was like, I'll cross sevens back over there and just start walking back to my hotel. So I don't have to walk through whatever this scene is. And then as I was walking back that way, they were a little ways ahead of me. And for whatever reason, they decided to cross back across the street. And so we just met right there. And then the guys like, you wouldn't be following us, would you? And I was like, no, no, I'm just lost. And I kind of did like, I don't want anything to do with you guys. And then the guy got like right up into my face and was like, you better be fucking lost. You want to get lost? Like something, whatever else. I was in like panic mode, so I couldn't. And then there was one of those like scooters, you know, those rental scooters that are everywhere. And he just gave that like a hard kick and did like this thing. And we were kind of like manager in an umpire, just like right there. And I went, no, no, I'm getting out of here. And I just kind of walked around and then swallowed all pride and just went full, full run. That's a good move. All right. Thanks. I thought you'd call me a cunt. I might have done the same thing. Well, I mean, again, it's like, it's a good movement. You don't you don't want to get into an altercation if you can avoid it. If you can avoid it by running like the swallow the pride thing, like wouldn't like you like what are you going to do? Just get attacked or what are you gonna do? Fight when you can. If you can not fight by running, you should definitely run like you talk to any martial arts instructor. They will always tell you that if you can get away. A smart one will tell you get away. A dumb one will say, first of all, I got to kick him in the knee. Then you got a fucking poke him in the eye like the three Stooges. You know, get the fuck out of there, man. Get out of there. Yeah. So I've done a little bit of MMA training the last couple of years and like that's the basic idea. Obviously, at whatever level, if you want to say level, the idea is to use whatever skills to get out of harm's way. I'm not looking to inflict damage on people. Sometimes it's just people just want to fuck with you. So these guys probably just wanted to fuck with you and make you feel uncomfortable and make you scared because if they wanted to do something, they probably would have done something. Right. Yeah, that's how I felt. I literally consciously thought me running gives them what they want. They get a nice like, that's right, bitch. And I'm fine with that. I'm 39 years old. I'm not looking to prove anything to anybody. And then Rebecca was like texted who runs the creek and was like, I can send security. And I was like, I'll take it as a sign. I'll see you tomorrow night. I'll take a look. They have solid security at the creek, though. They have big ass giant dudes. Oh, really? Yeah, some solid dudes. Oh, good to know. Well, tonight I'm going to take a lift. I'm good with walking. But it was scary, but I felt good because I'll come get you tonight. I'll pick you up. I'll take it. We'll talk. I appreciate it. Well, I felt good because when I got back, I was like, I didn't sit there going, you're a pussy, you piece of shit. And nor was I like panicking. I was just like, all right, that was crazy. Yeah, it's not good. You're you're always better off just swallowing pride. Yeah, it's hard to do, but it's so important. Catch new episodes of the Joe Rogan experience for free only on Spotify. Watch back catalog JRE videos on Spotify, including clips, easily, seamlessly switch between video and audio experience on Spotify. You can listen to the JRE in the background while using other apps and can download episodes to save on data costs all for free. Spotify is absolutely free. You don't have to have a premium account to watch new JRE episodes. You just need to search for the JRE on your Spotify app. Go to Spotify now to get this full episode of the Joe Rogan experience.