Joe & Andrew Schulz Talk "First Nut's"

I'm loyal to the jokes. My side is comedy. Your side is comedy. When we're doing stand-up, it's not like, we're going to change the world. It's what's the funniest thing to say. Sometimes it is, that teacher fucking, the student is funny. That's the funny thing. The 16-year-old boy getting some pussy from his teacher? That's funny. Objectively funny. Why'd you tell your mom? High school football coach fucking a 15-year-old girl. Not funny. It makes you angry. That makes you pissed off. Yeah. So it's like... 35-year-old man, 15-year-old girl, violent. Fuck that guy. We got to get him out of here. Right. We got to get him out of here. 35-year-old woman, hot, big cans. How is that dick suck? 15-year-old boy, did you come? Did I? Did you come with him? What the fuck are you crying about? Did she suck your dick? Was it hard? What are you saying? I'm just saying. Here's the thing. I actually think, this sounds crazy, but I actually think there's a little bit of heroism in those women that do that because they know no 16-year-old boy can satisfy them sexually. Like, at 16, I was busting off. Yeah, but you could bust off four or five times in a row. Once you get that second one in you, you can last a little. Second nut? I'm a champion. You fucking last a little. But here's where you get upset. If you found out you're a 15-year-old... So many women are judging us on our first nuts. Yeah. It's like, what do you... Back in the day, you had to come quick because a leopard might eat you. Why did I learn this excuse at 38? Babe, there's leopards built in. It's built into the human. You had to come quick. Can't have no time to be romancing. It's not our fault, dude. No, nature built us this way. And it didn't build women needing to come to get pregnant. If it built women needing to come to get pregnant, they'd come quick, too. Do you know they taught me that in high school? That women have orgasms when men ejaculate inside of them? So now you're just busting in... In the 1980s. That's crazy. That's how dumb sex education was in the 1980s. They taught us that. I know I'm not remembering this wrong because I remember being in high school, and I think I was like 14 or 15 years old going, I don't think that's right. Nah, dude. My limited understanding of orgasms, never been around one. I'd never made a girl come. I'd never had sex. But I kind of understood sex and I'd seen porn and I'd seen like magazines and stuff. And I'm like, I don't think that's right. I don't think that's right. And I remember a buddy of mine was telling me, yeah, girl can't even come unless you come inside of her. And I was like, man, this just seems sus. This seems very suspect. Like this is like... That's how you have teenage pregnancy. But it's just... Right? Like if you learn that in school, you're going to nut in these girls. Yeah. Yeah. Like that's the worst thing you could tell a teenager who's feeling insecure and wants to satisfy a girl and now he's going to take the ultimate sacrifice. Yeah. And the first time like a girl came with me, it was like me going down to my girlfriend when she was like 16 and I was 16. And I was like, well, obviously the fuck... I didn't come inside of her. This is bullshit. Yeah. But I'm like, you sure you came? Like, do you remember those days? Because you thought she was lying because it's a... Do you remember those days where you weren't... Did you? I remember the first time a girl made me orgasm from a blowjob. I nutted so hard my ears rang. I've never had that since. I was like, my ears were like... It was like the first time heroin. I've been chasing that monkey ever since. I'll never forget this. Dude, when I was younger, I'm really young. I learned what jerking off was, but I didn't come yet. I'm no bullshit. I would jerk my dick in the shower, stop. I would pee and then I would put my finger in front of the pee and then I'd taste my finger to see it. I was like, well, does this come? I swear to God. I swear to God in my life. I was tasting pee off my finger. I didn't know what an orgasm was. I didn't know the feeling. You don't know the feeling yet, so there's no way to understand it. And then I remember the first time I actually did come and I was like, I don't even need to taste that. I remember one of the first times that I had sex with my girlfriend in high school, I pulled out and I shot a load in my face. In your own? In my own face because I was on top of her and we were having sex and I pulled out. And when I pulled out, I just went, it's a shot right in my mug. Because back then you would shoot because I didn't really jerk off back then. Yup. You had it packed in. I was like a broken fire. Yeah. Just. Puerto Ricans playing stick ball outside. Yeah. Just go with. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hit my face once. Yeah. I hit my face this side. A girl was on top, hopped off. Boom. Smack this side of my face. Right in the face. Yeah. Right in the nose, the mouth. It was just like whoa. And you know what, ladies? It's not that bad. It's not that bad. What's all the hullabaloo about? It's also because it was my own. I still don't want my own. If it was another guy's, that would be a real problem. Oh, that's true. I don't want other guys. But theirs, I mean we're so intimate with them. Like when we're going down on them, there's no, like the fluids are there. Have you seen that video? There's a girl, she's on a podcast and she's talking to this guy about, she's a porn star. She's talking to this guy about how her boyfriend was asleep and so she wanted to fuck her ex so she ran down to the gas station. Cap. Have you seen it? Cap. I don't believe it's real. Really? It's in like Toronto, right? Like the girl's, I saw I think Six Buzz, which is a Toronto Instagram account. It's like TMZ for Toronto. It's fucking great. Yeah, I don't know if it's in Toronto or America, but she's saying her ex-boyfriend came inside of her and then she came home and then her current boyfriend ate her pussy and was talking about how good her pussy tasted. He was eating her ex-boyfriend's cum. Cloutchase. Cloutchase. Interesting. Do you believe that? Honestly, a girl would do that. I'd like to believe it because it's disgusting. Or is it hot? It's not hot to me, you fucking weirdo. No, let me take you to a brothel in Pompeii, bro. I'm going to figure all this out. Why is it judgmental? Right, exactly. It's like, yo, dude, some people want to eat cup. They've been doing this for thousands of years. Well, there's got to be a guy out there that does want to have a girl get cream pie and then eat the cum out of her. Those guys are real. And he shouldn't even know he likes it. How's that? Meaning like how much other shit do you got to do before you're like, I want to eat another guy's cum out of a pussy. You know what I'm saying? Like, how do you go through the whole gambit of things? I remember I had this conversation with a girl. She was like, pineapple makes the guys' cum taste better. I go, how many dicks do you have to suck before you figure that out? I was thinking asparagus, nope. Roast beef, don't like it. Pineapple. Hey. Hey. Funny you mentioned that. I'm Hawaiian. Blueberries. Whoa, blueberries. Imagine what a cock connoisseur you got to be. To meet a guy. No, what? Fruits or vegetables he's been needing to notice. I taste coconut. Yeah. Oh, fucking crying, bro.