Is it Better to Be Kind or Honest?

You know the radical honesty people? Have you seen this group? It's the people that are like, you never lie about anything. So it's this weird social experiment where they're just like, you know, whether they're with their loved ones or whatever, and the loved ones are like, do you like my shirt? And they're like, no, it looks bad and you've gained weight. Right. And like, there's, it's radical transparency about everything. And that, that I understand where they're coming from, right? It's like this thought that like, we're all sort of laid bare to each other. But also like, it's great that we can keep things private. Like what we live in right now is this sort of grassroots, I mean, I call it a grassroots panopticon, right? We're all watching each other, but it's not the government. It's not big brother. We're a big brother. Right. And that I want to keep stuff. I like, I like, like, I know what you're saying. I don't want you to look at my brain. I know what you're saying. And I agree with you to a certain extent, but however, I'm a standup comic. And one of the things that I love about being a standup comic is my friends are all brutally honest and they fuck with me and we fuck with each other. Like I said, you like this shirt? And they'd be like, no, dummy. It looks stupid on you. They will say something like that. We both go, they would say something like, do you think I gained weight? Like, you know, you gain weight, motherfucker. Get on the scale, fat fuck. And they'll say that to you. And they start laughing. We, there's no in the comedy world, like in the world of my friends, there's no room for dishonesty. And if they think you're bullshitting, they don't want to talk to you because it's no fun. And comedians are uniquely strong in that way though. I, I, so as someone too, right, for me, like my thing was like rationale, like I liked rationality. It was like, oh, we have a good argument. Like I'll just have a logical argument with you. Right. But like one of the things I realized and this one, you know, when I was there at that place in, in Florida where this fucking charlatan is killing people, I can't just tell those people the truth. That's crazy. I wish I could, but they're dying and they're in pain and there's certain people who are constitutionally, they like honesty all the time. They thrive on it. Even when they're in pain, right? But there's a lot of people where logic or honesty, that's just not the, that's not the, they're going to suffer. They're going to, they're going to suffer. No, I agree. I, I think you're right about that, that there's, there's certain people that you really shouldn't like, you know, if you're talking to a delicate person and they ask you a question and it's, there's nothing wrong with just being complimentary. You look great. You look great. I like doing that too. I have a kid. I, one of my things, my wife, so my kid would come to me with drawings, right? You know, kid comes with a drawing, right? And she'd be like, dad, look at this. And I'd be like, oh, that looks like shit. I was like, Hazel, that's not your best work. And my wife is like, what the fucking monster? What is wrong with you? And I was like, well, I should just, I don't want her to like, and she's like, no, it's a kid. She just wants love from her dad. You tell her like, that's a great job. You know, did a great job and I don't want to infantilize adults, but like there are times when I am, when I just need, you know, love or like, I need someone to keep their thoughts to themselves. Yeah. I don't know. I know what you mean. I don't know. I haven't been in a lot of pain, Joe, is the truth. I haven't. I've led this charmed life. I've led it on, someone said, like I've led it on difficulty level, like pretty easy setting, you know, my, my personally life. And like, I've been lucky. I haven't been like super sick. Like who knows what kinds of crazy healing therapies I would be into. I mean, there was a guy, there's a guy at Duke who specializes in ALS, Rick Bedlack. Those of him are incredible because he dresses in wonky outfits, like flashy, like tuxedos and crazy ties and stuff. And I was like, Rick, why do you, why do you dress in all these outfits? And he's like, because it's the best, because it's the best thing I can offer my patients is these, is I don't, I can't tell them the scientific studies. They're not here for that, right? I don't have anything to offer my ALS patients in terms of like science or rationality. But what I can do is just make them feel lighthearted for a moment. And I was like, do you tell them like when they come into the office, do you tell them like the truth, you know, which is like basically like you're, you're done for, you know. And he's like, you know, obviously not right. You don't just tell people who are in pain, the truth, or at least you don't, there's, there's, I don't know, for me, I've really pulled back from, I've really pulled back really recently from, from the idea that truth telling is the way to engage with people who are in pain, right? I think a lot of what we're seeing right now with Black Lives Matter, a lot of what we see with, with, with transgender activism, all of the hot button political issues often, right, change is there's there are groups of people who have been in pain for a very long time, and individuals within those groups have been in pain. And and that I don't know, I think it's just important to sort of acknowledge that and I had a lot of trouble doing that, I would be like, well, here's the truth, like, here's your situation, here's how you need to fix it. And like, but that's not, I don't know, that's, that's not necessarily it doesn't work. And it's not necessarily what people want. Yeah, well, in those two particular subjects, too, you're dealing with people that are, that will get very upset if you do offer anything that anything that contradicts their narrative. Well, and if you know, if someone's in if someone's in pain, or if someone's like literally trying, I mean, if they're if you're trying to change a situation for the better, right? There's all you can always throw nuance in, you can always have a logical argument about something but I've become, and I'm not saying like, don't say stuff, I'm very on board with like, you want freedom, right? Like I want to be able to say chiropractors are bullshit. I want to do that. But like, if there's someone who was struggling with chronic back pain forever, and found a chiropractor, and they come back from that chiropractor, and they say to me, Alan, for the first time in my life, I feel like there's some hope this chiropractor helped me. If I have that thing in my brain, I don't say it. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm with you. That's great. I'd be like, that's great. But Alan, that's just being kind. Yeah, so you value kindness. And I think that's an awesome thing to value. And I value that as well. And I think that's something that I've learned, as I've gotten older, is that you don't always have to say what you think. You could just be nice. And I've seen I've saw I saw you do this. Like, I love this moment. I don't forget which podcast it was on. You were like, you were talking about something. And then you were like, you look down, and you were like, wait, I think I think we're making fun of this person. That's what you said. And I feel like, and that was a moment, right? Where it's like, you want to be kind, right? And honesty, that's the difficult, the sometimes ridiculous things, or illogical things, are the kind thing. And I'm really struggling now. And I hope, I just wish everyone were struggling to realize that those are sometimes incommesurable values. You can't sometimes be honest or tell the truth and also be kind at the same time, right? There's this book, God, what is it about a kid who's, I can't believe I'm blanking on the book now, but it's a kid who's severely disfigured. And it was a book for young adults. And there's this moment in that book where one of the teacher puts on the board, when you're given the choice between being right and being kind, always choose being kind. Yeah. And I was like, when I first read that, I was like, that's so stupid, man, you can be, the way to be kind is by helping someone be right. And like, tell them the truth, right? But I used to share that thought, but I'm now in the group of be kind. Yeah. And as I've gotten older, first of all, I never sat at, I never, I never, I never went out with the idea that I would create something that millions of people would see. Never. This was not, this is just something that happened along the way. And as it was happening, I became more and more aware of the impact and then the responsibility that comes with that impact. And just through that process has made me a far nicer person because I'm really aware of, you know, mean, like I never, I don't, I don't attack people. I don't like it. I don't, I'd rather just not, you know, and I don't, I don't even want, like if someone says to me before the podcast and they have before, Hey, would you do me a favor and not talk about this weird thing that happened to me? I'm like, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I don't, we could talk about a million things. You're a human being. I'm a human being. There's not like a specific, I don't want, I don't want gotcha moment. If you want to talk about something that's in your heart that you want to get out, I'll talk to you about it, but I'm not, I'm not a mean person, you know? And when I was younger, I was. And when I was younger, I was, I was in the group of fuck that, tell them the truth. They need to face reality, get your fucking shit together. And then, and as I've gotten older, I've realized like there's not, that's, that's me worried about myself falling short. It's me worry about worrying about my own failures and then wanting to sort of reinforce my own philosophies and other people because I was insecure.