Bridget Phetasy's Rock Bottom with Addiction

So to go back to when we met, I think I was sober already. I think it was like newly sober, just to circle back to that. And to anyone wondering when I actually did get sober, sober sober, it wasn't when I was 35, so like eight years ago. And, but it was like a long time coming. From the, when I was first in rehab, I was 19. And then from 20 to 35, it was like Coke and Molly and weed and yeah, drinking. It was, I lived my life to the fullest, but I probably should have died. I mean, it's a miracle I didn't die. Did you ever OD? So right before I got sober, I was doing lots Molly at Coachella, which sounds as disgusting as you just heard it. But wait, it gets grosser. And the, I was probably dehydrated because I don't think I had any water in like two days. I was like doing Molly during the day and doing blow at night and drinking through the whole thing. And I was really obsessed with this like blueberry red bull that they had. I fucking hate red bull, but I was just drinking it with, and it was like laced with Molly or whatever. So that was like, and then we were in VIP. This is why I'm saying it's gonna get grosser guys. So bear with me. And we're walking and I went down like, I just blacked out. I was like, I looked at my friend and I was like, I am fucking roll. And that's the last thing I remember. And I just went down like a, like just a bowling pin and apparently into some Australian chicks of all things. And I wake up, come to, and there's like four cops standing around me and they're like, what day is it? And I somehow knew it was Sunday. And I mean, you've been to festivals. You have no idea what day it is, even if you're sober, like or what time it is. And I knew what time, it was like my brain got a hard reset. I really think my brain was like, we're shutting it down. We need to reset the system. Let's delete some files. Yeah. Reboot, I came to, I was like freezing cold. And the Australians were like, you have the worst friends, you have the worst friends. The worst friends? Because they weren't too, they were like, she'll be fine. And they're tripping. One of my friends is one of my best friends from high school and she and I, she was around during the heroin days and we used to go to raves together and do like speed. And so we had been through a lot and she was like, ah, she's taking a disco nap. And they were like, they called it a disco nap. A disco nap. Your friend called it a disco nap. Oh my God. You have horrible friends? I was like, no. That is a very funny statement, a disco nap. Yeah, she's taking a disco nap. That's a good phrase. Oh yeah. I like that phrase. So I came to, luckily. But it was like a bit of a wake up call. And I wasn't, yeah, I was like about to be 35, or maybe I already was 35. Like, it was a little bit old to be. Blacking out. Going down in VIP. Like, ah, just so gross. It was so gross. I mean, pitiful demoralization. What the fuck do you press? You're taking a disco nap. They're like, ah, she's fine. Let's keep partying. Then I found a Yankee set, and I put it on. And that's when I knew. Time to get sober. So where did you go to get sober? Did you do it on your own? Yeah, so I had tried everything. I mean, I was the classic, only drink booze, only drink alone, only drink with friends. I did the whole marijuana maintenance, only smoke weed. I got certified in yoga, become a yoga instructor. I went to therapy, literally anything other than 12 step. Because I had been in 12 step when I was 19, 20 that first time, and I hated it. Because I couldn't drink at all, and I couldn't do anything. And I just, I came up with a big, you know, I came up with a big case against 12 step. I was like, it's beer based, and blah, blah, blah, and all the god stuff. And I was off and running. And I was out, my first husband and I were raging alcoholics were in the restaurant. I was in the restaurant industry for a long time in my life. That industry is riddled with alcoholism and drugs and partying. And so I was just around it too all the time. And then around 35 after that Coachella that summer, I had just gotten back from traveling around the world for like two years. I was very lost. I was in LA and I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I felt confused. I went back east, worked in a restaurant where I had been. And it was like this whole, I fell immediately into the rut. I was like sleeping with the same douche bags I slept with when I had been there like seven years before, having doing tons of drugs, burning bridges with my family. And I was coming back to LA after just my sister wouldn't let me stay with her, and rightfully. And I was a mess and I was coming back and I was like, I'm gonna cop heroin and kill myself basically. I was just so internally, it was not necessarily like many of my rock bottoms were actually physical or my first one. I lost everything. This was more emotional. And yeah, I went for a hike. I went up to like to mexico because I was like, well, before I cop heroin, I should maybe pause and go for a hike. And sometime on that hike, I decided to go to a meeting that night, because I had done an experimental year of sobriety in like 2010. What was it about the hike that? I was sweating and I was like sweating out. I was just toxic. I could feel how toxic I was. I could smell how toxic I was. What did it smell like? Oh, like chemicals and blow and probably like baby powder. Everything just booze and I had been smoking a lot of weed to try and chemically balance all of it. And I ended up getting to the top and something, it was like they call it like, it was like a window of grace. I don't know. It was like one small window of willingness. I don't know. Window of grace, is that what you're saying? Yeah, it was like they say there are these kind of like opportunities where you can walk through a like door of willingness if you're really at rock bottom and trying to get, and I've joked about this before. I made alcoholism look amazing. I had a lot of fun. I was killed. I was like, from the outside, it looked okay. It was just internally, I felt like I was rotting to the core and I also couldn't really get out of my own way. And so I went to a meeting and I didn't even, I wasn't like I'm getting sober. I just didn't know what else to do and I was miserable. I mean, I was fucking miserable the first two years of my sobriety, but it was better than feeling like I wanted to kill myself. And so I just kept walking through it and doing what they told me to do. They're like, get a stupid job. So I was waiting tables and like. Why did I say to get a stupid job? They're just, you know, a lot of times you have this kind of idea of being a big shot or not that I did at all. I was still waiting tables and like broke all the time, but it's really just this idea of like being a worker among workers, like put yourself in a, get a day job so you can pay your bills and not be dependent and struggling and put yourself in, cause sometimes it's like people who come from, you know, finance or whatever, they were big shots and then they kind of lose everything. And so then they tell them to get a job. Everybody means. To humble themselves. Well, yeah, and just for consistency and to be responsible and to have to show up. And I mean, I really realized I started drinking when I was 12 and pretty. Holy shit. Alcoholically by the time I was 15. And I. You were fucking 12. Yeah, I was young. I mean. Nobody was paying attention to you? No, and my parents got divorced right around that age. And yeah, I started, I was off to the races and then it was just by the time I was 19, I was in, it made a lot of sense. And I was in rehab for heroin and then got off that, but that kind of not being, I use that as an excuse to be like, oh, I'm not an addict because I'm not doing heroin anymore. So I use that to stay out for a long time as an excuse. So like, well, as long as I'm not doing heroin because anyone will get addicted to that. And so yeah, I mean, it was a long, long journey to sobriety and then I was very miserable and somehow, and then around two years, like the rubber just started meeting the road. I got my first column at Playboy. I sold my first freelance writing piece. I started doing, you have so much energy when you get sober for somebody like me who is wasting a lot of it just drinking and partying, that I just had to do a lot of different things. And I couldn't really deny that my quality of life improving drastically and starting to do things that I'd always wanted to do, like be a paid writer. It didn't seem like an accident that it was a couple of years after I had been sober that these things started happening. And so while it was happening, did you follow any protocol? Did you follow any advice from books? I was in 12 step, like full on and in. But what didn't you like about that? What didn't you like about the 12 steps? When I first left the 12 steps or just when I was in. Just in general. Well, I had a lot of reason to think that abstinence isn't the only way, which they found isn't for everybody. It is for me because there's no middle ground with substance. I started smoking cigarettes in sobriety. This is a perfect example of how there's no mid ground. And I was so mad because I quit everything. And I started smoking cigarettes in 2015. And I had one cigarette at a meeting and I was like, all right, I'll have a cigarette. And then I was off to the fucking racist smoking pack a day within like weeks. I'm like, if this is any example of what I'll be like with booze or anything, I just know there's not, I do not, some people can be moderate. They have that ability. And I envy the fuck about it. Watch the entire episode for free only on Spotify.