Brian Simpson on Apple's Walled Garden


1 year ago



Brian Simpson

6 appearances

Brian Simpson is a stand-up comic who hosts the "Bottom of the Barrel" improvised comedy show at the Comedy Mothership and his own podcast, "BS with Brian Simpson."


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I have a lot of friends that they send me the green text and every now and then one will show up blue. They give up and they jump on the iPhone train. I'm like, interesting. I can't do it, man. No, why? What is it about it? I... Because it's one of those things where I'm so into my tech and shit. Yeah. And if you... If I go iPhone, then I gotta go Apple everything. Why? Because that's the whole advantage of going Apple is that it all just works together so well because they're on their own little ecosystem. What's the advantage of not going Apple? Customization. Oh, okay. But you're not... Are you using the phone with other stuff? Does it integrate with other stuff the way an iPhone does? Because I have a Samsung phone, Samsung tablet, Samsung watch. And if I go iPhone, then I gotta get an Apple watch. I gotta get an iPad. That's better. Have you fucked with Apple stuff? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had iPhones. But I just... Oh, so you went Android after you on iPhone. I went Android, iPhone, Android, iPhone, Android. Oh, so you went back and forth, huh? Yeah, I went back and forth. But at the end of the day, it was just like... I stuck with Android because Android is more on top of some of the latest... Apple won't do anything unless they can do it in a way where it goes, oh, that's Apple. You know what I mean? Like the fucking headphones. They would not come out with headphones until they could do something where you... When you see it, you know that it's not something else. Right. You know it's an Apple device. Right. Same thing with the Apple watch. That's why it's shape weird. It's because they want you to look at it and go, that's an Apple. That is true because the Samsung one, some dude had one the other day on. It looked like a regular watch. I go, that's a dope watch. What is it? It's like it's a Galaxy watch. I thought it was a regular watch. And he goes, no, you can change the screen. He's like, fuck it with it. But it was round. Yeah. It was like, ooh. But it just looks like a watch. Apple don't want that. But I do love the way all the Apple shit works together. But it's like they call it a walled garden. Everything's beautiful in the garden. But you try to do some shit outside. Like because Apple does all these little... They do all these little shitty tactics to facilitate that. Right? So the whole green bubble, blue bubble thing. That originally came out... Like you remember back when you had to pay for texts? No. Yeah. They used to charge for text messages. How much did they charge? I don't know. It was like, you know, five sent a message or they would give you a bundle or some would come with your plan. And Apple created iMessage and green was supposed to represent a text that you paid for. And blue was supposed to be one that was free because it was in the Apple network. And then right after they invented it, that kind of went away. All the text messages are free. But they noticed that there was a little bit of... That there was this little snobbery there. So they purposely... They could fix it. They could easily integrate iMessages so that it doesn't come up different. But they won't because it increases that fear of missing out that makes people want to go, fuck, I'm just going to get an iPhone. I'm tired of being left out of the group chats. For example, if you send me a video, it'll come up blurry. Yeah. Right? And that's an Apple thing. It is? Yes. But if you send a Samsung guy a video, will it come out perfect? Oh yeah. If I send you a video, it'll come out perfect. But if you send me one, it'll come up blurry. Really? Yeah, because they want me to feel left out. And praise the pardon, here's another example. You know how when you text somebody, they can react to it so it'll be like a smiley face or whatever. Right. And then secondly, if I sent you a text and you hearted it, it would say to me, Joe hearted and then it would give me my whole text in quotes. Oh. What does it do now? Well now Android has done like a little work around so if you get a text like that, it'll just put a heart underneath it. Okay, so I'm going to send you one right now. Yes. And you'll get a little heart. All right, here we go. Oh, my shit's off. Oh, okay, I forgot it. Yeah. Apple does that on purpose because they want you to put the pressure on your friends to buy an iPhone. It's kind of smart. It is. It's genius. I'm not mad at them for it. They have no incentive to work together with everybody else. But isn't it also that it's encrypted? Like iMessagers are encrypted, whereas like text messages are not. Yes, that's true. But that's again, but that's something that they won't allow the encryption to be shared. You know, because here's the thing. That's only a thing in the US. Everywhere else in the world, people use WhatsApp and all this other stuff. Only WhatsApp's giant overseas, right? Oh, it's huge. It's huge. And iPhone is not, well, not just only here, but it's only one or two countries where it's the number one phone. Really? Yeah. That's interesting. I wonder why WhatsApp and all those other things, I think it's because you could use them over Wi-Fi and so you could chat without using your minutes. Right. You could use them over Wi-Fi. It's encrypted. All the things that come with iMessage, it's its own platform. Do you remember when roaming would cost you a fucking shitload of money? Yeah. Like if you used your phone in Connecticut, you'd be doomed. I remember when you had minutes. Yeah. You had talk minutes. Yeah. And it's like a lot of these kids don't get it, man. That's pretty recent. Yeah, it's not that long. I mean, no more than 15 years ago. Was it that long ago? Minutes? Yeah. Well, yeah, night and weekend minutes, you know. 7 p.m. Obert, your Rs are at nine. Your Rs are at seven. I remember when I had, because I used to have Singular, which is, I think they're part of T-Mobile now, but they, Singular used to be like, if I called another Singular customer, it didn't use my minutes. Or if you called somebody during certain hours, it didn't use your minutes. You know, it was like peak hours and off hours. Yeah, I remember that. Singular, I remember too. And what's funny is, it's the same fucking network. First they told us, oh, well, we have to charge for minutes. Otherwise, we would swap the network. And now minutes are free. And then they start charging for texts. Like, it'll flood the network. We got to charge for texts. And now, text is free. And they charge it for data. And data, they actually need, I don't know if they need to charge what they charge. You know, whenever shit goes down and everybody tries to use their phone, you can't use your phone. Ever. That's what's weird. Like, try using your phone at a sporting event. Like if you're at a Super Bowl or something like that. Yeah, it's impossible. Everybody's using their phone. Well, try calling somebody somewhere where just something happened, an earthquake or something. Right. It won't work. It's not wild. Like, if they have a million customers, like say, if a cell phone, just as an example, just for a number, they don't have to have a million lines available at all times. No. They should treat them like casinos. Like you have to have X amount of dollars for every person that's in the casino. Right. In case they win. Yeah, because could they accommodate everybody? Like there has to be 250 million phones in this country minimum. Minimum. Probably more. Probably as many as there are people. Right. But if everybody wanted to call at the same time, what's the number that it can hold? Fuck. I don't know. Is it local? Is it like local breakers or local? I mean, how is that work? Do you know how it works? It's wild because there's different technologies on different networks. Right. It's 4G and it's 5G. No, no, no. I mean, like CDMA versus I forget what the other one is, but like Verizon. GSM, right? And so they so and I want to say I think we're the only country, the only Western country that where it's split that way. Like if you go to Korea, it's all one technology. I think they all use GSM. Yeah. I think what correct me if I'm wrong about this too. I think CDMA works better deep inside of buildings. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I think that was the positive aspect and that's only in this country Verizon and Sprint. Right. Well, Sprint just got bought, but just merged with T-Mobile. Oh. Yeah. So it's getting smaller now. And at the end of the day, Disney's going to own everything. Disney's going to own everything. They're going to own every fucking thing, man. Damn.