Best of Bert Kreischer Vol. 2 - The Joe Rogan Experience

He's not being mean. I stopped doing racial jokes, like being heavy on racial jokes, just because I was like, I don't fucking know. I don't I don't care. Like, I don't give a shit enough about equality to put my job on the line to try to make everyone even like I'll get in the nights. If it's an all black room, I just do black jokes, but not mean, but just what I do, black jokes. Right. But and then you do that. Once you do that, you have a fucking power of attorney to do anything because even the clean people go, my kids finger the rest to. Right. Right. Right. Right. And then and then and then I'm in I talk to the audience. When you were saying that you you used to do racist jokes or racial racial jokes, you know, do you and you stopped doing them because they offended too many people? No, I never got no one ever got offended. But I just noticed that I was for one, I was obsessing on it. I could I would write I could write all day long. I could write jokes about black people. I mean, if you sit me, I swear to God, if you put me in a room of the black audience, all I'll do is talk about black people. All I'll do. And like now the dirty the one only the furthest I go is I have a joke about just I go. I think it's racist that they don't make black baby powder. Like, I just think that from a company named Johnson and Johnson, they would have thought of that by now. That's pretty funny. And then they go, you know, that that's how I make a million dollars. I'm going to make black baby powder. And then and then and I'll call it Magic Johnson and Johnson's. So then one night there's one this great one night this black dude sits up in an audience in Miami, goes, hey, motherfucker, when you get done, you do the joke about black baby powder. I'll tell you, I don't make shit. And so I was like, I think I'm done with the joke now. Like, what? Why don't they make it? And he goes, we don't have a problem with moisture the way you guys do. Because every time I hug a white guy, it's like hugging a dolphin. He goes, black people have a problem retaining moisture. So they have a problem getting ashy. So they have to always stay moist, whereas white people are constantly fucking moist. Whoa. And so he's like, they just never needed black baby powder. But people don't use you. And I was like, but it was awesome. It was like a great moment. I love dude. If I could if I had a videotape of every experience of having a black people in an audience, I would be the most famous comic in the world. I've had black dudes get on stage in Miami, right? Real shit. Fucking three gangsters in the front row. True story on my children. Fucking they're ruining the show for everyone. And I go up and I just talk to them. One dude gets up on stage, half the time I set and he's like, this is a real motherfucker. He's keeping a real real talk right now. Real talk. You know, real motherfuckers getting the three oh five. And he drops his pants and shows his dick. Place goes bananas, right? They're like, oh, and it's the biggest blackest. It's almost purple. It's so black. Like, but it's huge. It's huge. And I'm like, that is real. That is fucking real. And then I'm a big is this big bugging monster nine inches. And it's a it's a it's a show. It's like a thick, it's thick, thick and uncircumcised. I'm just looking at it like, holy shit. So then I go, I go, man, that's fucking his name was Ray. I don't know why I remember that. But I'm like, Ray, I go, I think you might want to get off stage because I can guarantee you they're calling the cops right now. And I don't want you to go to jail for just showing your dick. He's like, I appreciate that. Good looking out. And then he puts his pants on and leaves. So then I go, man, how do you follow that? Another gang banger stands up, gets on stage. I go, please tell me we're seeing another cock right now. Pulls his pants down. Fuck it. Just as big, but lighter, lighter, like a lighter brown. And I'm like, holy shit. I'm like, and I was like, you might want to go catch up with the brakes. I guarantee they're calling the cops now. So they're sitting with I swear to you, all my children, they're sitting with a hairless, a hairless albino. OK. And I said, and now and now the crowd is like fucking in a fevered pitch. I go, that's funny. Out of all the dicks I wanted to see, it was yours. He stands up, gets on stage, takes his dick out and it looks like a lighthouse. There's no grass, bright white and they're flipping over fucking tables now. Like fucking going nuts. And I was like, ladies and gentlemen, that's my show. That's that's that's the perfect way to end. Cut off. That's my show. Damn. Oh, I literally. You follow that. You can't follow that. Can't follow it. I literally and I've white glow in the dark Casper the ghost dick. Oh, it was it was beautiful. And it was big. It was big. I swear to you, it was big. And I was like, I was like fucking and then and then they all waited for me out at the bar and they were like, dude, we're taking you out. And I was like, oh, no, this doesn't end this way. I love when he bombs. That's so rare. He's really fucking funny. It's like when it's like when you shoot a bear with a bow and arrow, but they don't know they've been injured yet, but they know there's a shot with a bow and arrow. I watched a lot of hunting. I watched a lot of hunting videos like I used to. I used to if I if I ever got too fucked up with in, I'd watch hunting in Florida. It's very easy to get really. Yeah. Bear bear hunting from in my opinion, you've done it. I've never done it, but all the videos are they like put a box out full of food and then they'd sit in a tent and then the bear would come out and they shoot it with a bow and arrow and the bear would get hit. But it would almost feel it would seem like the bear would be like, oh, what the fuck was that? And then you'd see the look in the bear's face where they'd be like, I don't feel good. I'm going to go rest for a little bit. That's how the girl looks when he bombs. It's like it's like he's like he looks at you like, do I get hit? And you're like and you know, he's been hit by an arrow. My favorite one was in in in Pearl Harbor. Me Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, me, Tom Segura and Russell Peters. And I go up and I do OK, but maybe I was dirtier than I should have been. But it's totally fine because the only rules they had were don't make fun of the Hawaiians. That was it. Don't make fun of Hawaiians and don't bring up Pearl Harbor. What Tom's opening joke? He's like, man, it's a lot of fat people here. He's like, I heard island life was slow, but I didn't know they were talking about their metabolisms. Then he says, I got lost walking around. Luckily, a Japanese guy pointed out the directions. Man, those Japanese know this place like the back of their hand. I mean, he bombed so hard that when he got off, he was like that early sweats like where you get in. He's like, he's like, oh, pretty good. And you're like, you're like, you might want to go back to your nest and run. You know Tom's going to lose his shit. That video of where I'm shaving, Tom, that's that week. Yeah. How many after the show before? How many shows did you guys do? One. Just one in Pro or just one? I went up. I was a little dirty. I think Tom went up, had a rough set. He kind of went on back. You know, Tom is not right for a corporate gig in that opinion. And there's a corporate gig. Well, it was the for the it was like maybe I want to say 3000 people on at Pearl Harbor sitting in lawn chairs with their families. What was the gig? Like what? Who was it for? For the pro for the U.S.O. Oh, that's not that's a military. It's not a corporate gig. Yeah, but that same same energy. So and so then Tom sits next to me, this is my favorite part. Tom sits next to me and Russell Peters comes on stage and you can hear there's a murmuring. Now, mind you, we're at war with Iraq. And Russell Peters is a little brown for their taste. And Tom goes, I never realized he looks like the enemy. And Russell Peters is, by the way, didn't acknowledge it. Did had a great set. But you could hear that kind of like they brought up one of that. Like and Tom and I were in the back like, this is bad. The next day. Really? Yeah. You thought it was bad because he was brown. It was only because we had gone to rifle training the day before. And Russell had randomly chose not to go randomly. And the first words at rifle training was there's one rule here. If it's brown, it moves. You kill it. And and Tom was like, thanks, guys. We didn't bring ruffle. What the fuck? Imagine if you're Mexican and you're in the fucking army and they tell you that shit. If it's brown and it moves, we kill it. Wow. That guy said that. And we brought our wives to it. We brought our wives to rifle. We shot every gun they had. We brought our wives and the girls were like right before we stepped in. They go, can we go to the bathroom? We're like, yeah, go to the bathroom. So we walk in and the guys like, I thought they were going to be six. He's like a real military guy. And we're like, yeah, the girls went to the bathroom. He goes, OK. And then Tom goes, hey, do me a favor. When they get in, act a little like aggressive to them and misogynistic. And let's just see the looks on their faces. So the girls walk in and he goes, well, typical ladies got lost. Don't know what time it is if their man's not next to him. And Christina and my wife started bubbling like what the fuck. And he's like, ladies, do follow the man. They'll know what to do. Thank you, gentlemen. And he got into character so good that Tom stepped in. He's like, it's a joke, everybody. It's a joke. He's doing it because we asked him to. This guy was good. Well, that's funny. Yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah, it's funny that you can get a trained killer to just crack jokes. Oh, the guy was it was it was a really fun trip. If it's Brown, kill it. If it's Brown and it moves, you kill it. The gumption or the gregariousness to break in in the. So were you doing sets? I wasn't I was I don't even know what the fuck I was doing. I was working out at Barnes and Noble. So you were working at Barnes and Noble? No, working out. Working out this bad like you do sets at Barnes and Noble. I was working at Barnes and Noble and then working out during the day in the basement like I was fucking I got fired from Barnes and Noble. This is the worst. I was working at Barnes and Noble at Astra Place, no fucking AC. And so every day I would you ever have a job where you lift boxes? And as you do, you're like, that's not a bad. That's a goodbye workout. And you're like, oh, all right, I'll do a little bit of this. And if I do this all day long, I'm fucking Jack buys by the end of the summer. So I'd go down to the basement and you can take the freight elevator. I'm going to sound like a psycho into five minutes. You can take the freight elevator to the basement and no one could get down there because you had the elevator. And so once I got to the basement, I take off my clothes and start working out and just like do push ups, sit ups, fucking curls with boxes, hold books out and do fucking these fucking jobs, front rows. And I'd work out and then it was there was no AC. So then I'd wait till I cooled down, put all my clothes back on, get the freight elevator, walk up and I just killed like 30 minutes. When you have a job like that, to kill 30 minutes is a it's like fucking come that much closer being done. Right, right. So I'm like, this is an empty rip fuel. Do you remember rip fuel? Yeah. I'm popping fucking three refuels every three hours. Right. Oh my God. Like a tweaker running around shelving travel books, going down to the basement, pounding like I'm in fucking Oz. Just and then come up sweating like a motherfucker with a name tag on just. And so like two weeks into it, my boss Dwayne pulls me aside and he was like, he was like, hey, man, you've been spending a lot of time in the basement. And I was like, oh, yeah, I got to get travel books. And that's what we keep them all down there. And he's like, yeah, do you know we have video cameras? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And I was like, I didn't know that. He's like, you're fucking fired. And I was like, wow. I was like, Dwayne, I can explain. He goes, no, I can't I can't have someone getting into their underwear and basement working out when they should be working and then coming back up and then interacting with people. And I was trying to be a comic. So I was trying to think alternatively and I'm on speed, which is like, so theoretically, like I would do funny shit, but it was crazy if you didn't know me exactly. Some guy told me the other day we were doing a promo shoot for TV. And I did a joke at the end of the day. I was that funny. He goes, Bert, everything you do is only funny if you spent fucking 24 hours with you. And so, yes, I got fired and then came out. That'd be great to have that tape if anyone at Barnes and Noble. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Dwayne, I remember he asked me if I wanted to be a manager like a week before that. And I was like, no. And he was like, what? And I was like, he's like, you don't want to be a manager? And I was like, no. He's like, why do you why do you what do you want to do then? I was like, I want to be a comedian. And I was like, this isn't what I do. And he looked at me dead in the face. He goes, this is what you do. This is who you are. You work at Barnes and Noble. Don't think you're better than us. You're not. Well, I'm like, fuck, I'm out of here soon. I didn't know I was going to get fired. But don't think you're better than us. Burke Chrysler was telling when I smell might be one of the great stories. No, his dad. No, he used to shit his pants all the time. In his 30s. All the time. He used to. How long would you say the story began with you saying that he shit his pants? He shit his pants in a banana republic in Beverly Hills. And it was it was like real. It was like like the real coming of age part of my life when my dad looked at me and he was like, buddy, I'm about to shit my pants. What do I do? Here's the worst part. Here's where the public have a bathroom. Here's the fucking worst part of it. Right. So I look at him and I go to shit your pants. Dad, I think you got to shit your pants. I go, shit your pants a little bit and then walk as far as you can and get to your hotel. And he just left my daughters with me like fucking drop them. It's like your pants. I'm fucking out here. And so he started walking down Rodeo or whatever, you know, Burton, one of those roads to get to his hotel. Right. So my mom comes up and she's like, she's like, where's your dad? And I said, well, he left me this sweater. I got to buy it for him. I bought him. I ended up buying him the sweater and I go, he had to shit his pants. Because what do you mean he had to shit his pants? I go, he had to he had to shit. So he shit his pants and then he just he's walking on the street. I go, I'm sure we can catch him. He's walking slow. And then my wife comes up and she goes, where's your dad? And I go, you shit his pants. She goes, why didn't he just use the bathroom? I said, where's the bathroom? She goes downstairs. And I went, oh, I probably should have told him that. And so you didn't think it was a bathroom. I don't know. I was in panic mode. It was Black Friday and I'm waiting in line two and I got a leather jacket on sale. Well, it's even worse. I think if you shit your pants in line for the bathroom, because then everybody's going to know if there's a big line of people and you just, yeah, you just dump in your pants. Then you're like close proximity to other people. There's no way to play off shitting your pants. When you shit your pants, I say that shitting your pants is a lot like getting a DUI. You roll the dice so much and get away with it that when you do get caught with your hand in cookie jar, you're like motherfucker. I never thought that was going to happen. Are you kidding me? I shit my back on a DUI. I do this all the time. Why today? Oh, that's so true. So, but in his 30s, he was running marathons and he used to shit his pants all the time. I'm not even like, I'm not even saying like, I'm not even saying like, oh, once a month. I'm talking once a week. He would, this is before cell phones too. He was in his 30s. He was in his 30s. I was a kid. We were living in like North Tampa, not like the nicer North Tampa, but in the shittier redneck versus black North Tampa. And the first time I ever heard the N word was in this neighborhood, but my dad used to run a marathon. So he'd run like five miles, 10 miles and he'd go out and on these 10 mile runs, he shit his pants. So he'd go into these orange groves, shit himself, right? Clean himself the best he could and then run home. But there were some nights, I remember these distinctly, it was before cell phones where it'd get dark. My mom was like, we got to go look for your dad. And we'd be driving his route where he'd run. And all of a sudden, like a naked happening to my dad would come out of the fucking orange groves like, I'm here. Get me in the car. Right now, if he, I hope he would come get him. Oh, he just would. Yeah, it would be, I remember thunder and lightning and he's just sitting in an orange grove naked, like how did he shit his pants? And we'd be like over here and he'd be like, all right. And he'd just hop in the front seat, go home. Let's go. Like real quick, he shit his pants a lot. He hates my stories. I hope someone, if anyone is listening to this knows my dad, let him listen to this because every fucking story I ever tell, he fucking always goes, goddamn, your fucking imagination. That's not how it fought. I did not shit my pants. I shit a little bit. I didn't shit my, you're making people think I shit my pants. He just squirts. He's just a little squirter. I don't know. Let's call him on the phone. Do it. Just I didn't even go lucid. Like I didn't try to control it or move around. I just let the dream play out. But I realized it was a dream and I still didn't wake up. I have, that's a rare thing. I'll leave the pills just for that. Yeah. Like I have dreams. I have dreams. I have fucking crazy dreams, but I am totally lucid inside my dreams. Like I have dreams that I'm reading something and I'll go, I'll be, I would go, wow, that's so funny that I'm reading something because nothing's there in the dream. I'll think this nothing's there in my mind's making up these words, but I'm still reading them. That's so interesting. I had a dream one time that me and Elvis walked into his hotel room and there were four dudes butt fucking, right? And I just hear me out. Were they werewolves? Just that might be one of the best sentences ever created. I had a dream that I was with Elvis and we walked into his dressing room and there was four dudes butt fucking dot dot dot. Now hear me out. It gets weirder. They're throwing up in Burger King cups. Just fucking each other. And then I swear to you when I say this, I fucking shut the door and I looked at Elvis. I go, what the fuck's going on in your room? He said to me, what's your dream, baby? Oh, fucking loosen his shit, right? So I wake up, I wake up, I'm like, wake up, check my dick, make sure it's hard. I'm like, well, you don't really flip me out. You don't really flip me out. Not that the guys were butt fucking right. That didn't bother me. No, it was the product placement. Like what the fuck did Burger King do to get in that dream? How the fuck did Burger King slide in that fucking dream? What if they figured it out and you just don't know that there was a way to interject advertising into your dream? Oh my God. Fuck, can you imagine? Burger King in the future right now is like, I got more Chrysler's dream about the Elvis and the butt fucking ha ha. No, no, no. But what if there's a possibility that someone could insert a product into a dream, right? That they could give you a cheeseburger and in that cheeseburger was some experimental thing that would make you think about Burger King in a dream and see a burger in a dream. You could do it. You could do it. What? It's in the future. It's going Geico and shit. Yes, in the future. But that doesn't make any sense because you eat something to have this happen to you. We're still we're still missing the whole point. We're stumbling on something very brilliant right now. Can we get to the flying bill those first? Yes. OK. Flying bill those. Here we go. So I called Joe. This is what you said. You go we were just talking about this. You're like, yeah, you've got so many crazy stories that have happened to you. And but I never think that I think there are things in my life. I think it's my ability. The way I see something happen is different than the way everyone else sees it happen. You know, I see the little thing that registers in me. I go, oh, that's my thing. You know, and it lights up for me or my wife just glazes over it. And it's come to light in this podcast more than anything. The machine. I mean, the way I've told that story to fucking a million people. But then when I told you something lit up and I went, oh, that is a good story. Right. The fucking fighting a bear. The fucking everything I'm getting mauled by a bull. Tracy Morgan. Everything's lights up. So then I'm talking on the phone today. I call you. You hey, can you do the podcast? I go, yeah, I can do the podcast. And you go. I said I'm on the phone with American Airlines trying to get upgraded. You're like, where are you going? I said, Amsterdam. He said, oh, I've never been there. I said, oh, whatever you do. If you ever go there, don't go see Flying Dildos. True story, right? So I'm fucking like 22. I'm in Amsterdam with like five friends. And of course, we do the rounds in Amsterdam and get fucking lit up. Heineken factory, hedgehops, I think even maybe mushrooms. We walk by this live sex show. And it says on the billboard, guy on girl, girl on girl, oral sex. This, this, this. And then the last one is Flying Dildos. Come see Flying Dildos. And so I'm like, fucking. I tell everyone we're seeing Flying Dildos. I want to see fucking Flying Dildos. That to me is a showstopper. That is something that I will buy tickets for everyone for. So I buy us all tickets. We go in to see a live sex show. Have you ever seen one? No. It's basically like half a boxing ring. So it's like you walk in and it's stadium seating and then half a boxing ring where they just, without the ropes, and they just, everything happens right there. They just fuck. They just fuck. Whoa, and our dudes beating off in the audience? Are you allowed to wear lipstick? No, dudes aren't beating off in the audience. They are? No, it is kind of creepy now that you say that because I don't know what we were supposed to do, but there was like 20 people in there. But we just sat, yeah, because I guess maybe you should have. And we ruined it for everyone. So we sit down and they come out and they're like, the first is girl on girl. This is just like you see a porn, right? So two girls come out and they go to eat. And the second two girls come out, I start going, Flying Dildos. Flying Dildos. And they're like, no, we're not Flying Dildos. I go, oh. Now 20 guys are like, whoa, I want to see Flying Dildos too. So they do their thing. They leave. A girl comes out by herself, masturbation. And I go, Flying Dildos? And she goes, no, I'm not Flying Dildos. I fucking, everyone that came to the stage, I just yelled, Flying Dildos. How many people came to the stage? Fucking like nine acts. Nine acts come to the stage. How long is each one doing? Five minutes. We're fucking masturbating and then eating each other out and then blowing a dude. And then the guy fucks the girl. That's like the headliner, right? And we get to the guy fucking the girl and I'm like, you better be fucking Flying Dildos. And the guy's like, we're not Flying Dildos, OK? Stop with the fucking Flying Dildos. And I'm like, I'm like, boo, the whole time they're fucking. You're booing while they're fucking? Yeah, but now we got 20 dudes and they're all on my team because we're fucking hammered. I'm like, boo, we want Flying Dildos, right? So then all of a sudden, I'm the dude being, fuck, a lady comes out with a doctor's little briefcase, you know, the doctor's thing bag. Yeah. And just walks up on stage. I go, you better be fucking Flying Dildos because, ladies and gentlemen, I am Flying Dildos. And the fucking place goes nuts. 20 dudes, it's like fucking right out of the military. Like, come on, Flying Dildos. She goes, I'm going to need someone from the audience. And everyone's like, fucking Flying Dildos. So I'm like, fucking, I am definitely going up there. Of course you did. So I get up there and everyone's chanting, Flying Dildos. Flying Dildos. I got my hands up. She goes, OK, OK, hands behind back. And I put my hands behind my back. And she handcuffs me. And everyone's like, Flying Dildos. Like, everyone's going fucking nuts. She drops my pants, cuts my shirts with a scissors, throws me on the back, puts a dildo in my mouth, and just fucks it. And then stands up. She goes, that was Flying Dildos. And she leaves me with a dildo in my mouth naked, going, whoa, whoa, whoa. Everyone's taking pictures. Like, fucking, snap right up to the, for like, I had handcuffs on. I couldn't fucking move. And just snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap. And I'm just like, help me. Somebody help me get the dildo out of my mouth. It was a fucking nightmare. So we have a photo of this? This was in 90, this was right after the Russian mob thing. So this is, there was no digital cameras. So it's real. I can tell you, if you want to get it. Someone out there has in a dusty shoe box. PJ Kuzmono. Photo that they brought back. Third caller, if you could send us that photo, you'll win two tickets to the Alfa Braid. PJ Kuzmono has that picture. I guarantee it, because I know he's one of my buddies that was on it with us. He had one of those disposable cameras and came right up there, like right up to the stage, and just snap, snap, snap, snap. If you're out there, find me on Twitter, homie. What if it was PJ Stansberry the whole time? We'll make it worth your while. PJ from the comedy show? Hey, yo, yo. Yo. That's the story. That's the best PJ face I've ever seen in my life. What did you give him before the show started? I have no idea. I have no idea. He's extra silly today. He is very silly, yeah. In Burbank, there's wild parrots, like a gang of wild parrots. Yeah, I've seen them. Wow. It's the loudest thing ever out of nowhere. It sounds like murder outside of your house. Whoa, that's weird. Yeah, and if you look online, there's websites devoted to them and stuff, and they look just like normal parrots, but they just go around in this huge gang and just scream. That's pretty dope. I remember we worked at the West Palm Beach Improv, the old one, way back in the day. They put you up at this condo. It was me and Maddie Kirsh. We looked out the window and there's fucking parrots, actual parrots on this power lawn. I'm like, dude, there's real parrots out here. This is the weirdest shit ever. They're parakeets and parrots. These are tropical birds. Miami is a tropics. It is a tropics. It is a tropics. It's barely America, right? Let's be realistic. It's too awesome to be America. It's too crazy. Too many Cubans got in and just made it tropical. They made it tropical. We're going to Cuba. Cuba is the Cuba. You're going to do a trip flip in Cuba? Dude, I'd love to. You're going to Cuba. You're going to Cuba. Open up relations. That's one of the best things about the show right now. Yeah, yeah, I would love to. Those parakeets or parrots? What are those? These are the Burbank parrots. These are actual parrots. Oh, wow. Actual parrots. Do they come from- Do you have to take the video down because of YouTube? What? Oh, no, these are just still pictures. Did they come from people that had them as pets or where they come from? There's just rumors because Disney's there. So a lot of people think that Walt Disney's, it was Walt Disney's parrots and he just says shit. We find out they're fake. They're not parrots. Walt Disney is such a motherfucker. He's got fake parrots out there flying around, shit and all people. Yeah, I had bird feeders out I bought recently and they found out about it and now they won't leave my house alone. They're there like every day looking for- Oh, parrots? Yeah, that's amazing. Yeah, that's cool. Dude, that's pretty dope. Yeah, they're loud too loud. They're annoying as fuck. No, you need to- Put some earplugs on. Yeah, put them, let them into your spiritual compass. Yeah, bring them into your center. That seems like an amazing thing to have in your neighborhood, man. Cool, it's cool. And it's really cool because I live in Equestrian place so there's horses and parrots everywhere. So it must smell awesome. Horse shit and bird shit all stewed up together in the Burbank sun. How is it that it's illegal if you don't clean up after your dog but you're allowed to just have your fucking horse shit everywhere? Just empty, it's giant asshole, 1200 pound body of stewed grasses. Shit, man. I'm sorry, is this Cobblestone? Is this a dirt road you farmer fuck? Pick up after that donkey. Your donkey just shit all over my Prius. Your donkey's not that green. This is contributing to global warming. You donkey is dirty asshole. Brian said he didn't like Paris in his neighborhood. He's in bed with the chick and he's like, the Paris out the back like, I never said this to anybody. I haven't done this before. Oh my God, of course I always wear a condom. It's crazy really. It's the fucking Paris sun. They would bring the fucking parrots into the courthouse. We would now like to call for their prosecution, a witness, the Burbank Paris. I never said this before. No, Rufy, what are you talking about? Are you serious? No, two hits is fine. I take two hits all the time and I drive. And go to the air. And go to the air. And go to the air. It's an ingrown hair. Just throw. You know, all you need to do is you need to douche with that stuff like plaques, that stuff you use for your teeth. It kills everything. It'll kill it all. It'll kill it all. How about the defense attorney goes and the judge goes badgering the witness and he goes, objection. And then the prosecutor goes, hmm, probably want a cracker. Too far. Too far.