Artie Lange: Comedy is the Only Thing That Hasn’t Abandoned Me

Now what are you doing for thrills? Like do you have to replace the Joe Rogan podcast? Do you have to do something to replace the feeling of gambling? Because you're not gambling, right? That's an excellent question. No, I can't. I can't do anything because it escalates. Right. That's what it escalates. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table right now, by tomorrow morning I'd be running guns to Cuba. I'd have a human trafficking ring. Everything, the badness just gets worse and worse because I can't have a beer. Right. Right. And that's hard to admit to yourself, too. I mean, I can't have one beer. And it took me a long time to grab that concept. Some people can't. So. Have you had moments where you could have one beer in your life? Have you ever gone grab a slice of pizza, have a couple beers, and that's it? Yeah, watching a game. But the problem is I mix vices. I tell us when I was a longshoreman at the port in North, OK, for a couple of years, I was the orange juice beer. This happened twice. I had a bookie I used to gamble with. So drinking and Coke and gambling does not mix well. That's why I give you free drinks at a casino because you're messed up. Yeah. So for Monday night football, the bookie took bets up till eight o'clock. Kickoff was nine o'clock. So at five thirty, right after I got out of work, I would call the book and I would say, give me give me a thousand dollars on the Giants play the Cowboys. Give me a thousand on the Giants. Then I start drinking. Seven thirty comes around. I forget I made the bet. Two separate times I bet on the other team. At seven thirty, I called the book and I said, give me the Cowboys. So all I could do is lose the big. Oh, Jesus. So this happened twice. So the bookie bookies tape all your calls and they destroy the tape at the end because the cops get it. But what they do is they have the calls on tape in case you have a like you have a dispute. I got to bet that he goes, I got you on tape doing it. So I said to the bookie, why did you let me do that? He goes, because you got to learn a life lesson. I go, thanks, Mr. Bookie. Oh, see, you're giving me a life lesson. You know, I'm trying to win money. And he goes, I got to tape you at five thirty. Make it a bet. So at five thirty, I'm like all articulate. I go, yeah, give me the Giants laying seven over the Cowboys. Give me the under over forty one. Give me a dime, which is a thousand dollars. He goes, here's you at seven thirty. Give me the fucking Cowboys. I want the Cowboys in the under parlay. And you hear him try to go, you just bet the judge. Fuck you. No, I did it. I put some chick on the phone. Give him the Cowboys. I'm a cowboy. I met some girls, a cowboy. If you had to hook me in a bookie, he's trying to give me life coaching. Oh, my God. So so what happens is if I would go have the one beer on a Tuesday night in February to sports bar, then I realized Virginia Tech is playing in a college basketball game. I bet Virginia Tech. Then I have two beers. Then I got coke. Then it's over. So your question is a great question. What do I do for thrills? What are you replacing it with? That's that's where this business, which has taken me back now, I think 11 times. My 11th comeback. I have fans that I got that, you know, through man TV and the Stern show, of course, that are so loyal. Stand up. Stand up. This business. Do what we're doing right now. Talk to another funny guy who I love bullshitting, making money, doing comedy. I have a gig tonight in Poughkeepsie. I'm going to Poughkeepsie, you know, and I'm going to get on stage and talk to people for an hour and make a lot of money doing it. You do bananas. No, I'm doing a place called Laugh It Up. Laugh it up in Poughkeepsie. So, yeah, I did the bananas thing a bunch of times. But so, you know, that that's that's that's what I'm grabbing onto right now. Because women I've lost three. I say this all the time. I lost three fiancees because of heroin. Heroin saved me a lot of money. I dodged three torpedoes with that. The heroin was way less expensive than a divorce. So, you know, right now I cling to my work. Comedy is the only thing that has in a bad than me. Yes. You know, in a lot of ways. And, you know, there's businesses, you know, that keeps taking me back. You know, a lot of people are addicts. They get really addicted like marathon running. Right. Have you ever thought of doing some point? Okay. It seems like a crazy idea. But you if you could think you could run a block, then you run two. Yeah. Next thing you know, you run a mile. Yeah. Next thing you know, you go, I'm going to do a 5K. Well, I do. I do a bit about this in my stand the back. The first time I tried to get off heroin. This this this trainer who I hired this kid, he said, you know, I guarantee you a heroin high is not as good as a running high. And I said to him, have you ever tried heroin? He goes, he goes, no, I go, well, then you're not qualified to be in this fucking conference because I've done heroin and on occasion I've run and it's not even close. Yeah. So only when you get a running high, you got to be in really good shape. And you also got to run one to 20 feet. Yeah. You know, run a lot. Yeah. I mean, I mean, do you run? Is that what you? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I would love to get that kind of thing in my life. I get I'm way healthier than I ever was in a long time.