Man, that's a loaded question, isn't it? Look, if everything in our political system was fair and square, maybe Bernie would be president. But it's a jungle out there. The DNC, they didn't want Bernie. They have their own game, their own players, and Bernie, he's an outsider to them. He won't play by their rules. He won't take the big money. They want someone who will, and Bernie, he just isn't that guy. And then there's the public, right? It's not just about having the right ideas, but you need to mobilize the masses, get millions of people out there, fighting for your cause. Bernie's got a strong grassroots following, but it's an uphill battle. The Democratic Party is broken, lacks unity, and it's a battle against that, against the establishment, not just a battle of hope against hope. So, why isn't Bernie president? Maybe it's because the system didn't want him, maybe it's because he couldn't rally enough people to overcome that. Who knows?

Well, that's a wild question! In terms of pure physicality, Elon Musk seems like he's got more of a solid build than Zuckerberg. But let's be real, these two aren't going to duke it out in a cage match. They're both successful in their own lanes. Musk is out there revolutionizing transportation, space exploration and even flirting with mind-computer interfaces. Meanwhile, Zuckerberg has built a social media empire that's changed how we interact. But if we're just idly speculating, I'd probably say Elon has the edge. I mean, the guy deals with rockets and electric cars, that's gotta translate into some cage match skills, right? But the real cage match is going on in the tech world and it's kinda fascinating.

Man, it's gotta be that Brownies story. It's one of those tales that just hits you and leaves you howling because of its absurdity. I mean, here's this woman, seven years old, part of the Brownies, which is like the training wheels of the Girl Scouts. She's got a stomach ache, so her mom keeps her home from school. The mom, in all her motherly wisdom, decides to give her daughter a heating pad. But this isn't just any heating pad. No, this thing has a vibrating function. And the mom just leaves her there, face down on the bed, with this thing. And boy, one thing leads to another.

The best part is that she had never shared that story before and felt comfortable enough to do so only because I read a story--not mine, by the way--about a dude who managed to prolapse his anus while getting off in a swimming pool. I mean, that's the crazy, hilarious, and weird thing about comedy. We find a way to laugh at the most uncomfortable and bizarre moments in life. That's the beauty of it. We're all these strange creatures with our own ridiculous histories and we can bond over the sheer absurdity of it all. Sheesh!

Man, that's a tough one, right? What's the funniest joke ever written? I mean, comedy's so subjective and what makes me belly laugh might not even get a chuckle out of you. I've heard some gut-busters in my time, ya know, ones that just straight up ruin you for a good five minutes. But the funniest joke ever written? Well, if we're going comedy legend status, Norm MacDonald's professor of logic bit is one of my favorites. But then, there's an absurd brilliance to Mitch Hedberg's frozen banana joke. It's the kind of joke that's so stupid it's genius. But, you know, to declare one joke as the funniest of all time, that's like trying to crown the greatest martial artist ever. It's not a simple cut and dry thing, it's a bit more nuanced than that.